I think the girl should have five pieces of the puzzle and the guy should have one. Wouldn't this more accurately reflect relationships? You can tell this cartoon was created by a GUY.
Baseball has nothing to do with anything. I just felt like writing that. And maybe the girl should have five pieces and the guy one. I like that. -Jarod
You know... it looks like Jarod exemplifies Five Easy Pieces (see the crazy movie with Jack Nicholson). But that would be from the girl's viewpoint. The girl without a head. Oh yeah, the head that Jarod bit off. She must have had good brains. Wasn't that some African tribe that believed you could get the smarts of a worthy opponent by eating their brains? --The Ghost in the Machine
Sometimes, when I listen to U2, I cry myself to sleep with their beautiful melodies. But then I wake up very quickly with the honk of the horns from the oncoming traffic. -Jarod Kintz
What do you know about the crayon shop? Have you spoken to anybody about what you've seen? If I were you I'd speak to no one. You are in a dangerous situation. You are dealing with madmen. Madmen with crayons. If you talk, I will not hesitate to brutally stab you with a green crayon. Or maybe even the blue crayon, depending on how much you say. I also know how to use colored pencils, so you are on a fine line with me. -Jarod Kintz
You don't scare me. I am good with finger paints and there isn't a soul in the world who wouldn't be afraid of that, except for mabye the pottery wheel.
Some people are born with patience, but I'll have to wait a lifetime for mine to develop. This makes me the most impatient patient person ever. -Jarod Kintz
Doritoes curling over the edge of the pool filled with Pepsi as I dive in. Later they would say I drowned, but I know that I died from a broken heart and clogged arteries. -Jarod Kintz
Some people are like pests: they must be exterminated. Especially when they scuttle in the dark corners of your kitchen cabinets, and crowd under your bathroom sink. -Jarod Kintz
The lead singer of Tripod, the band, walked on all three's like a piano that's grand. Two hands and one leg is what he moved with, he was even steady after drinking a fifth. -Jarod Kintz
John’s feet were on fire as he lit up the night, As Roger Bannister clocked him as he ran a mile to the river— He can also play piano on a unicycle while juggling
Three relationships between four girls in two cities But that’s because he runs his mouth as smooth as his legs. John’s feet were on fire as he lit up the night
Like he lit up a cigarette when his Dad was diagnosed With cancer of the lungs, but, like John, He can also play piano on a unicycle while juggling
Many thoughts in his mind as he writes with his four toes, Which he also counts the minutes it takes John to run While his feet are on fire as he lights up the night
As he’s chased by girls with gasoline whom he’s burned But somehow he manages to keep his balance Because he can play the piano on a unicycle while juggling
All his memories of beaches and soccer, as he looks Down at his black wheelchair and wishes his Crippled feet were on fire as he lights up the night, And he’s playing the piano on a unicycle while juggling too.
"I think my throat is swollen," John said to Alvin. "It will be swollen with my fat member later on," allen said as he nudged him in the ribs as he slapped John's ass. -Jarod Kintz
People can see the past as if written clearly before them. If we could read the future, would it be written backwards? What if we had a time machine that only went forwards in reverse, would that make things backwards? -Jarod Kintz
Everybody likes burning their bridges, why not burn the villages too? True violence gets the blood flowing faster than a bottle of Viagra. -Jarod Kintz
I always find the co-pilot's voice so soothing as he comes over the speaker of the plane. It always puts me right to sleep. This isn't a good thing, especialy because I'm flying the plane. -Jarod Kintz
Great sex can be like a marathon. But don't get dehydrated, remember to drink from one of those little cups they hand you as you two run by. -Jarod Kintz
For my daughter's sixth birthday I took her to a strip club. They wouldn't let her in because she's not 18. So I told her to give me her birthday money and wait in the car for a few hours. It was a magical birthday party. -Jarod Kintz
Never have sex in the checkout line at WalMart. The lines are slow enough as it is without two people laying on the conveyer belt. But you might want to do it behind the customer service counter, you will get absolute privacy there. -Jarod Kintz
2005 was a year of catastrophes--Robert Mugabe bravely lead his country further into economic disparity, the dollar fell below the Euro, hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans and the Gulf Coast, and of course, the tragic incident when Paris Hilton lost her dog. Speaking of Paris, rioting broke out over there. Cars were burned and relationships were torched as Arabs expressed their dismay that they were not being treated as equals and always got the soggy croissants with their morning value meal. It was also a year of low consumer spending, and big loads. Britney spears got pregnant, and S. Hunter Thompson died and got shot out of a cannon. Britney had her baby, and Donald Trump's wife did also, proving once again that Viagra is the most useful pill money can buy, except in Donald's wife's case, maybe birth control is more in order. Martha Stewart spent some time in the big house, and luckily avoided becoming some inmates "Apprentice," at least until she got out when she tried her hand at her own Trump style show. Her ratings for the show, along with President Bush's approval ratings fell faster than a little boy's pants at the Neverland Ranch. In a realted event, Michael Jackson reputedly converted to Islam, and is now fiercely enjoying the time he spends on his knees...praying. The price of gas rose to record highs not seen in recent decades, yet America managed to save money on their electric bill. It turns out that more people were turning off their TVs exactly at the same time Carson Daily came on. Speaking of dead air space, 2005 saw a record bubble blowing accross the country as house prices soar like CEOs into orbit. Most notably in California, which experienced large masses of people leaving, most of them in cars they won on Oprah's talk sho; although, due to high gas prices, most only made it to Las Vegas where they celebrated the cities centennial anniversary and enjoyed free drinks, and lots of snapshots with large men wearing snake-eyes sunglasses they mistakengly took for Greg Raimer. And finally, in sports, baseball suffered a steroid scandal as many players were accused of "juicing," although most vehemently denied that it was supplied to them by Michael Jackson. And Peyton Manning once again dominated the game, setting another NFL record for his eighth consecutive season with 25 touchdowns or more, proving once and for all that he is no ordinary Manning, but a legend. -Jarod Kintz
Who is they? And how do they know I stuff cans down my pants? Lance, I thought I told you to get down from the tree branch outside of my window. Stop watching me while I bathe. Between you and Peeping Tim I don't know if I can shower in my underwear anymore, I'll have to borrow someone else's. And I don't stuff cans in my pants anymore, I've switched to potatoes because after a long sweaty day I just pull them out and peel the skin off. Then I add some butter and sour cream and I have a late night snack. -Jarod Kintz
My wife cried when she found out she couldn't have children. I tried to comfort her by sying, "It's ok honey, you're not the only one who can't have kids. Our kids won't be having kids either." Suprisingly, this made her cry even harder. -Jarod Kintz
I met a woman at the bar whose legs were married. Later that night I cnvinced them to divorce and seperate. Little did I know they had a child between the two of them that hung like a monkey on the branch. Just as hairy too. -Jarod Kintz
Some women don't want to have sex before their married. Some don't want to have sex while they're married. And some don't even want it after the marriage is over. And by some, I mean my wife. -Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend asked me if she looked skinny. I said, "Not as skinny as those windows," pointing across the hotel room which overlooked the city. She then responded, "I'm much skinnier than those windows!" "Good," I said as I threw her out of them. -Jarod Kintz
I'm in love with my legs. I bought them an ankle bracelet as an engagement ring. This is the first time where I'm not wearing the pants in the relationship. -Jarod Kintz
Yesterday my wife left me for another man. I was so angry I must have yelled and screamed for thirty minutes while my girlfriend just patiently listened. -Jarod Kintz
In my last relationship, I put everything I had before one day just up and leaving. Everything I had were my two kids, and credit card debt. -Jarod Kintz
Why do guys feel they have to say I love you during sex? Seriously guys, that's not what I want to hear while you're pounding it out back there. -Jarod Kintz
People complain a lot about the Mexicans in this country. But despite what you may think about them, you have to admit that they are very environmentaly friendly. There are about 20 million illegal immigrants in the U.S from Mexico. And that seems like a lot until you consider that they all ride around in one car. -Jarod Kintz
These last five years have flown by like a flock of pidgeons, and there is shit everywhere. But I can't complain. I'm as healthy as an ox, and as beautiful as one too. I've seen a lot, mostly with my eyes closed and my foot resting like my eyelids--heavy on the gas pedal. But a gas pedal is no pillow, and neither is a breast a good gas pedal, although a most excellent pillow. I've learned that experience isn't everything. THe main thing to remember is that you have to experience things to experience them. I can't remember the last time I saw a sunrise over the Atlantic ocean sitting in an eagle's nest atop a tree in the Rocky Mountains, while wearing a yellow Speedo and a fake mustache, and holding a Martini in one hand, and the remote control to my TV in the other. But then again, my memory is as bad as my credit score. Or was 480 my SAT scare? Who knows, I was half asleep when I took it. I'm always half asleep. I was born half asleep. Half asleep, half German, that's what I am. My mother was passed out on the very sofa that I stole from my dad and gave to her as a Mother's day present on Father's day, two years ago, the very same day I was conceived. Ah, but am I to be believed? I would if I were you, and I can pretend to be you just as easily as you can believe me. -Jarod Kintz
The only time it's ok to clone ten thousand people and stuff them all in a briefcase is when you're talking about Ben Franklin, baby. America's my baby, and I am one of her founding fathers. But I didn't donate any of my fluids to her womb, all my energy and orgasms I gave to France. I invented glasses, and you know it's not right to hit a man who invented glasses. Unless you hit me with your breasts. You may have heard that I'm a swinging kind of guy. Well, ladies, you heard right. It's not a party without the Benjamin, baby. -Jarod Kintz
Dolphins are so intelligent I feel that they'd make excellent readers, if only they didn't ruin the books by turning the pages with their watery flippers.
Wilbur Smith is like a banker who takes people's money, but he does it in a more subtle way: he writes great books.
I talked to a guy named Clint, from West Virginia, who said he'd probably think my book was funny if only he could read. I told him, "Rome wasn't built in a day. Keep working and studying hard. After 39 years of trying, you're bound to memorize the alphabet soon." He then wanted to know if Rome was a new restaurant in town, and if wanted to know if they were hiring dishwashers. I told him yes, and then I wrote him directions on a napkin that consisted of four lefts, at each street corner.
Why do the masses of people know the names of athletes and not the names of artists, writers, scientists, and thinkers in general? I mean you could take the average genius IQ of the great thinkers and divide it by 60 to get the average steroid pumping penis size of the athletes--and as small as that is, they still only have the capacity to work one head at a time. Actually, they only have enough brain capacity to work the smaller of the two at any given moment.
A WASP flies into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here," to which the WASP replies, "You're quite right my good man. It’s better that you serve me at my own home anyway. If you want to set your rag down and follow me back to my house, I'll let you shower off in the sprinkler before you come inside."
Two donkeys walk into a bar and order a drink. The bartender, who say them walk in, doesn't even glance up as he says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." Then one donkey turns to the other donkey and says, "Yeah, get the fuck out of here."
A man walks up to the owner of two missing dogs and says, "You know those flyers, about your dogs, the ones that are missing?" The owner smiles and says, "Thank God, you found them?" “Yes," replied the man, "They were in the copy machine where you left them." -Jarod Kintz
Someone once said, "Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself." I don't understand that because in every relationship, somebody's always breaking that advice. So, it leads me to believe if half the people fit into the category of being crazier than their partner, then they saying only holds true for 50% of the people. It could also be said that it's half true. But that's good because about half the time I prefer half-truths. The other half of the time I prefer half-lies, except on Tuesdays when I prefer whole lies about it being Friday--which works out perfectly because I always thought Mondays worked better as Thursdays anyways.
The moonlight shivered down the stratosphere's spine, while I was so nervous I wasn't sweating bullets, I was sweating whole magazine clips. And just about that moment I lost interest in the main character and drifted off... -Jarod Kintz
Two cans strung together are not an effective means of communicating in the 21st century, unless you consume the contents of the can before carrying on a conversation.
If you listen to the rhythmic sounds of the waves in a conch shell long enough, pretty soon you'll start hearing the shell tell you that you should go down to the beach and drown your boss in the surf. I'd recommend following the shells advice if A) you've ever heard a conch shell administer this advice before, and B) you are self employed.
If there's a severe drought, I'd look to changing the way we treat the environment. By reducing pollution, we can stop punching mother nature in her vagina. Of course there's a drought, no woman ever got wet from assault!
Our worldly parents are Mother Nature, and Father Time. This makes logical sense. I know my mother, growing up nature comforts us and nurtures us. As for my father, well I've never seen him. All I have is this watch to remind me of him. -Jarod Kintz
Your girlfriend's emotions are not a thing to be tossed around like a frisbee at a picnic.Frisbees end up on roofs. Your girlfriend's emotions shouldn't end up on the roof, they should end up in the kitchen, because that's where they and her physical body should spend most of their time.
Even the bravest of babies still shits itself now and again.
Life's many questions are like dicks: some are longer and harder than others. And if you stand in the corner working one out yourself for long enough, eventually the answer will come shooting out.
A religious raisin is a born again grape.
I'm proud to be a contrarian. I enjoy doing things different from everybody else. Even with my cars I try to be a contrarian. I'd like a car that has stationary windshield wipers, and a windshield that moves back and forth.
The immense amount of pressure it takes to create a diamond is nothing compared to the pressure a woman puts on a man to place that diamond on her finger. BUt I don't respond well to pressure, so the most a woman can expect out of me right now is a lump of coal on her ring finger.
A sunset for you could be a sunset for me, depending on my position in the world, or how I choose to see things.
People say the average American family is getting smaller, but I feel they are getting larger. I'm not measuring the births of the children, I'm measuring the girths of the children. -Jarod Kintz
Too many people live their lives as if they are simply waiting for death. Don't just wait for death, run full spead into oncoming traffic.
I was going to go to grandmother's house next thursday, but apparently she tore down our tree fort. So next time you see Mr. voldimar, tell him I went to visit aunt Mildred instead. Oh, and tell him not to mail me my binary anal defribulator until I get back. Say hi to sammy for me. -Jarod Kintz
I like sending random messages to random people online who I don't know. I feel conversations are funnier when you don't know the person and you start the conversation in the middle, like you already know them. I treat it like I've known them for years. Then I make it really absurd and bizarre and it makes for a great ice breaker and it's a lot of fun. People either laugh, or come back with some really random things themselves. I also like a more subtle message to people I don't know. I like writing a message with a madeup memory, a shared experience, that I say we went through. I reflect on it laughingly and use a third party name, something like John, because everyone knows a John. It makes it sound more believable if another person was there. Then I make the situations not so bizarre and outragous, so that the person really questions whether it happened or not. Many times the person will write back in the affirmative, just because it could have happened, and they would rather lie and pretend they remember the event, rather than hurt my feelings by saying they don't. -Jarod Kintz
In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated. -Jarod Kintz
Saving up enough toe nails to press into canvas is a great idea. I'm tired of painting with oil based paints. I'd love to paint in nail polish. The only problem, for me anyway, is that I'm the Starving Artist, and I eat all of my toe nail clippings. -Jarod Kintz
the Mad Scientist: Did you know that toe nails are harder than some mineral substances? You might want to think about making jewelry out of your discarded clippings. If you have healthy nails, you could coat them with some sort of acrylic glaze. I'll bet they'd make a sharp necklace, if you strung them together. My wife is pretty bony (she died ten years ago), and I'll bet she'd look fantastic wearing a string of nails. On our annaversary this year, after I dig her up, I'll put them on her. I'm sure that's all we'll talk about during dinner. -Jarod Kintz
Garrett: My toe nails won't grow, due to the fact that all of my toes got torn off during a moving piano/farm animal incident a few years back. Most people say my toes cause them to lose their apetite. It's true. They are very filling, but I only let special people savor the flavor of them. -Jarod Kintz
I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, "Don't make the same mistake I made with your mother. Remember to pull out."
Killers don't shoot guns, killers shoot people. But no killer would ever think to shoot me, because the scope that's mounted on my back isn't very accurate at distances over ten paces.
The wise man in the woods gives me seemingly prophetic advice. I once asked him if I should marry Beatrice. He simply pulled down his pants and started massaging his groin and gyrating his hips, while he trembled and wept at the sky. But he was right, you know. I'm sure glad I didn't marry her. -Jarod Kintz
Sorry about blowing you off last night. But you weren't the only one who got blown off. Renaldo got blown off the tree fort by a mild gust of wind. So I had to take him to the hospital. Well, first we went to Waffle House to grab some pancakes, but apparently they don't serve those there. I ended up getting into an argument with the management which ended in a fistfight where I got plastered in syrup. Plus, I'm not allowed back--ever. Renaldo would have backed me up last night, but apparently he couldn't feel his legs. He's such a puss sometimes.
Anyways, after Waffle House we went to the hospital. But somehow we ended up at the strip club on Blanding Blvd. Solid Gold, I think. I could have sworn there used to be a hospital there. Well, luckily for Renaldo, some of the girls felt sorry for him and gave him a free lap dance.
And while we were at the club we ran into Mr. Fu, who told us to drop by his warehouse. So we did. And there are literally boxes twenty feet high full of fortune cookies there. He gave me a box to take home, which I made Renaldo carry all the way back to the car.
By the time the night was over I had just enough time to drop Renaldo off at the hospital (or rather push him out of the rolling car). When I got home, Grandmother wasn't too happy that I had been hanging out with floozies. I told her not to talk about those kind nurses at Solid Gold like that. I told her they probably saved Renaldo's life.
So what are you doing tomorrow night? We should meet up. I want to take you out to dinner. How's waffle House sound? Don't worry, I'll be incognito tomorrow (I'm dressing up like a giant pancake, and I picked out a syrup costume for you to wear).
give me a call and let me know what time is good for you to come pick me up. (we have to take your car. They'll recognize mine). ~Jarod -Jarod Kintz
Sorry about blowing you off last night. But you weren't the only one who got blown off. Renaldo got blown off the tree fort by a mild gust of wind. So I had to take him to the hospital. Well, first we went to Waffle House to grab some pancakes, but apparently they don't serve those there. I ended up getting into an argument with the management which ended in a fistfight where I got plastered in syrup. Plus, I'm not allowed back--ever. Renaldo would have backed me up last night, but apparently he couldn't feel his legs. He's such a snatch sometimes.
Anyways, after Waffle House we went to the hospital. But somehow we ended up at the strip club on Blanding Blvd. Solid Gold, I think. I could have sworn there used to be a hospital there. Well, luckily for Renaldo, some of the girls felt sorry for him and gave him free lap dances. But me, being the good friend I am, accepted these dances for him. (I couldn't have them straddling my wounded friend).
And while we were at the club we ran into Mr. Fu, who told us to drop by his warehouse. So we did. And there are literally boxes twenty feet high full of fortune cookies there. He gave me a box to take home, which I made Renaldo carry all the way back to the car.
By the time the night was over I had just enough time to drop Renaldo off at the hospital (or rather push him out of the rolling car). When I got home, Grandmother wasn't too happy that I had been hanging out with floozies. I told her not to talk about those kind nurses at Solid Gold like that. I told her they probably saved Renaldo's life.
So what are you doing tomorrow night? We should meet up. I want to take you out to dinner. How's Waffle House sound? Don't worry, I'll be incognito tomorrow (I'm dressing up like a giant pancake, and I picked out a syrup costume for you to wear).
Give me a call and let me know what time is good for you to come pick me up. (We have to take your car. I fear they'll recognize mine). ~Jarod
Sorry about blowing you off last night. But you weren't the only one who got blown off. Renaldo got blown off the tree fort by a mild gust of wind. So I had to take him to the hospital. Well, first we went to Waffle House to grab some pancakes, but apparently they don't serve those there. I ended up getting into an argument with the management which ended in a fistfight where I got plastered in syrup. Plus, I'm not allowed back--ever. Renaldo would have backed me up last night, but apparently he couldn't feel his legs. He's such a snatch sometimes.
Anyways, after Waffle House we went to the hospital. But somehow we ended up at the strip club on Blanding Blvd. Solid Gold, I think. I could have sworn there used to be a hospital there. Well, luckily for Renaldo, some of the girls felt sorry for him and gave him free lap dances. But me, being the good friend I am, accepted these dances for him. (I couldn't have them straddling my wounded friend).
And while we were at the club we ran into Mr. Fu, who told us to drop by his warehouse. So we did. And there are literally boxes twenty feet high full of fortune cookies there. He gave me a box to take home, which I made Renaldo carry all the way back to the car.
By the time the night was over I had just enough time to drop Renaldo off at the hospital (or rather push him out of the rolling car). When I got home, Grandmother wasn't too happy that I had been hanging out with floozies. I told her not to talk about those kind nurses at Solid Gold like that. I told her they probably saved Renaldo's life.
So what are you doing tomorrow night? We should meet up. I want to take you out to dinner. How's Waffle House sound? Don't worry, I'll be incognito tomorrow (I'm dressing up like a giant pancake, and I picked out a syrup costume for you to wear).
Give me a call and let me know what time is good for you to come pick me up. (We have to take your car. I fear they'll recognize mine). ~Jarod -Jarod Kintz
I remember about a year ago my brother told me, "Listen, dude, I'm not your brother. We have different mothers and fathers. I don't know who the hell you are. You're just some guy who likes to show up at my work and give me hugs and yell, 'Hey, everyone! this is my brother, and I love him!'" hahaha he was such a kidder. I wonder what ever happened to him? -Jarod Kintz
The Spanish moss waved and whirled in the wind like a shredded flag of an impoverished nation. And in the trunk of this mighty and ancient oak from which it hung, someone had carved out the words, “For A Good Time call Amy. 904. 555. 0237. And while you’re on the phone, order a large pepperoni pizza to 1419 South point Rd. Thanks--Your Mother‘s Lover” In front of the tree there’s a bench that’s swallowed by shade, where a man, Lyle, sits with eyes like a Krispy Kreme Doughnut: Heavily glazed over. He’s drinking some coffee out of a Dunkin Doughnuts coffee cup. But it’s half filled with Smirnoff vodka, or as he tries to justify it to himself, “half empty.” And he twists the cup in his hand as he chortles slightly to himself. “Half empty, isn’t half bad. 50% puts it right it in the middle, and in the middle makes it 100% normal, right?” His logic might have made some sort of sense if it were not 8:30 in the morning. He reached into his pocket for some cigarettes. Marlboro. He takes one out and lets it dangle out of the corner of his mouth while fumbling around in his pocket for a lighter. He finally finds one and lights up. His sucks his first drag with the same voracity and eagerness as a hungry infant applies to a huge nipple. He cocks his head back to blow the smoke in the air when a naked man, wearing only bright yellow socks and holding an ipod, jogs past. “Morning, Lyle.” “Morning, Harold. I see your investment package has shrunk since our last encounter. Must be a bearish reaction to the cold weather, huh?” Harold didn’t hear and was now about twenty feet past him. Up until now he thought today was Wednesday. But now he realizes it’s Friday. Floppy Friday as he likes to call it. He knows that because every Friday Harold, the Investment broker, likes to keep his edge on the market by streaking through the park. Fortunately there aren’t many kids that frequent this park. Most of the people that walk here are older women with thin dogs and thick Boston accents. (The old women, not the dogs. The dogs all seem to have thick Jersey accents for some reason. ) Lyle checks his watch again. “Damn!” he mutters to himself. “Who the hell schedules an interview for 9:30 in the morning?” He has an interview with a website that specializes in all things strange and humorous. Lyle is a former stand up comedian, so he figures he has a good chance. He walks towards his car pondering which tie he’ll wear to best make a good impression. He has two ties, and both have stains. One is a canary yellow tie with little red dots on it. There is also a ketchup stain near the center of it. The other is a cobalt blue tie with several dribbles of coffee from where he spit out his coffee after his first encounter with Harold. As Lyle approaches his ‘98 Honda Accord, he notices a flyer on his windshield. It reads, “Tony’s Tire Repair. Because you never know when you’ll need a new tire.” He crumbles it up and walks around to open his door when he notices that somebody has slashed the front left tire. “I hope Tony is willing to slash his prices just as willingly,“ Lyle quips before turning around and walking towards the bus stop. -Jarod Kintz
Most of the people that walk here are older women with thin dogs and thick Boston accents. (The old women, not the dogs. The dogs all seem to have thick Jersey accents for some reason. ) Lyle checks his watch again. “Damn!” he mutters to himself. “Who the hell schedules an interview for 9:30 in the morning? I haven‘t had to be somewhere this early in the entire two years since I graduated from college.” He has an interview with a website that specializes in all things strange and humorous. Lyle is a former stand up comedian, so he figures he has a good chance. He walks towards his car pondering which tie he’ll wear to best make a good impression. He has two ties, and both have stains. One is a canary yellow tie with little red dots on it. There is also a ketchup stain near the center of it. The other is a cobalt blue tie with several dribbles of coffee from where he spit out his coffee after his first encounter with Harold. As Lyle approaches his ‘98 Honda Accord, he notices a flyer on his windshield. It reads, “Tony’s Tire Repair. Because you never know when you’ll need a new tire.” He crumbles it up and walks around to open his door when he notices that somebody has slashed the front left tire. “I hope Tony is willing to slash his prices just as willingly,“ Lyle quips before turning around and walking towards the bus stop.
Lyle sits on the bus wearing his yellow tie and a blue shirt. He has pants too, of course, but they are as wrinkled as the old woman’s face who is chattering away next to him. “I have a grandson your age…” the old woman is saying. Lyle puts his face in his hands and starts massaging his temples slowly. He stretches his forehead and opens his eyes really wide as he stifles a yawn. “That is fascinating,” he interjects. “So tell me more about what life was like during the Industrial revolution.” He doesn’t wait for a response. He gets up and walks to a different seat. He’s not usually this temperamental, but he’s been depressed ever since Tiffany, his ex, left and moved to California to pursue a modeling career over two weeks ago. She wanted him to move out there with her, but he was against the idea of living in California. Since then, his only female interaction had been with ancient women like the one who he was just sitting next to. Right about now California was starting to look really good to him. Pulling out his MP3 player, he mumbles to himself, “If I get this job, I can write from anywhere in the world with an internet connection. And then I’ve got to go to the place that makes me happiest. And that place is wherever Tiffany is.” With that he takes off his tie, unbuttons the top collar of his shirt, and ruffles his brown hair a bit as the look in his eyes becomes sharp and focused with determination. -Jarod Kintz
In school I used to absorb everything. I was like the sponge that I tape to my sweaty balls before my daily run, except for nobody ever put the squeeze to me. -Jarod Kintz
I handle myself well in tight situations, like wearing Spandex to a formal function.
I'm trying to sleep with half the girls in the city. Preferably the lower half.
If laughter's the best medicine, why don't they come out with jokes in the form of gel tablets? With a warning: Do not take the laugh pill if pregnant or about to become pregnant. Laughter is not for everyone, so ask your doctor if it's right for you. Side effects may include headaches, side splitting, and diarrhea. You'll quite possibly laugh so hard you'll shit your pants.
For the average man, brilliant illumination is even more confusing than complete darkness. At least in the darkness, they grope and stager through life. But bright ideas make the everyman very uncomfortable and those bursts of blindingly sharp thoughts are usually dealt with by shielding and diverting their eyes, as they wait for them to pass so they can resume life in the darkness. -Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend was a procrastinating dancer. She was very flexible with both her legs, as well as her time. I used to be able to spread her legs out as wide as a week, but only for a few days at a time. Of course this is why she was lete like every other month.
I hate when conversations get rudely interrupted by the other person's death. Especially when it's my turn to talk.
My ex business partner had a canyon of an idea once. But he didn't think before he jumped into it. You can still hear his splatter of failure on film o video clip for only ten dollars, available on mywebsite for download.
I can count on one hand the possibilities of expected turn out for any given business idea, provided that hand has exactly three fingers, and those three fingers aren't busy working themselves in and out of a financier's ass. -Jarod Kintz
I often find myself in the strangest places, running around on my hands wearing my grandmother's wedding dress with no panties on underneath. To be sure, I do have other hobbies. -Jarod Kintz
(Pic. of me wearing all black and a yellow strip running down my clothing. I'm laying in a parking space so that the stripe on my clothes matches up with the stripe of the space.): The New American Dream: Lying around waiting for Wal-Mart to pay me. No matter if they pay me or not, I'm still gonna be crushed. -Jarod Kintz
Trey, the Tree Hugger's on vacation. He's cammping in a giant redwood in California. He'll be back in a few months, unless his vacation, and the tree he's staying in gets cut short. -Jarod Kintz
I met a guitar player who had more talent in his pinkies then nearly every pop star combined since 1969. Of course he had no fingers, so he didn't play very much.
Too much talent and money are wasted on the untalented here in America.
I once built a sand castle that caught on fire and turned to glass. Then a hurricane came and shattered the glass. So I took my kingdom of shards and made necklaces out of them and gave them to homeless people so they might be able to hold the dreams of my castle close to their hearts. Then I spat on them and accosted those peasants and accused them of bringing on the hurricane that tore down my empire. Then I killed and burned them. And with their ashes I compressed them and made many tiny diamonds. These I made into new necklaces that I sold to raise enough money to build myself a real castle. Only this one is made out of stone.
In 2001 I had an idea for a piece of art. It would have been a wall sized abstract, and I would have worn a shirt and a pair of pants that exactly matched it. I would have then stood in front of it and took a picture. This would have been the final piece. It would symbolize the artist being inseperable from his art. But now I think my philosophy was wrong. An artist is never a part of his work, no matter how much the piece of art is a part of the artist. -Jarod Kintz
It’s harder for women to climb the corporate ladder than women, because all their male bosses are under them trying to look up their skirts.
I once went to a conference on sleep that was so boring everyone was wide awake. That’s because I was sleeping with the instructor. Actually, I was just dreaming about doing that.
Great abstract art comes from within, much like urine does, as the artist splatters their emotions on the canvas.
Even the most perfect pair of breasts can not steal the attention during a conversation like talking to a man with a unibrow. -Jarod Kintz
Helen got arrested for fingering a cop. Now she's a convicted Keller.
Sometimes, when I am singing and I try to hit the high notes, I accidentally squirt out a lot of pee. That's why I only sing in other people's showers.
I've got my head so far up my bosses ass that he's got a unibrow on his pubic region (I've seen the photos). -Jarod Kintz
There's only one thing that I really don't like to carry on an airplane: conversations with random passengers.
I know a streaker, whom I call Ying Yang. His face looks like a penis, and his penis looks like a face. Also, he streaks through places while running on his hands as his genitals smile and pose for the camera phones.
I never vote based on polls because they are quite irrelevant, since I live so close to the equator.
Many criminals today get abbreviated sentences, based not on good behavior, but rather their limited vocabulary and preference for monosyllabic words. -Jarod Kintz
I had a professor who always used to say, "You've got to go directly to the source." He was right you know. And ever sice him I've been dipping my cookies into cows. PLus, a person might tip over their glass of milk, but it's a lot harder to tip over a cow. And you can fit in multiple cookies at a time.
Some of the most interesting writers I know are characters from my imagination.
If girlfriends were flowers, my grandpa, even from his grave, would still have over twelve of them.
I once met a man who couldn't think outside of the box. So one day, while he was thinking, I taped the box shut and mailed him to Boston. UPS reported the box as missing, so I guess he's still lost in thought. -Jarod Kintz
So I'm growing my hair out. I figure by midterms my hair should be long enough to cut a mullet. I've been saying this since 2000, but the mullet is coming back baby! 2006 is the year of the mullet, and I'm gonna grow myself a fierce one!
I have also started taking hair suppliments. I am also working on growing a unibrow. Unibrows are great conversation starters. Lets face it, who doesn't want to innitiate conversation with a man with a mullet and a unibrow?
I also want to mention that I also plan on switching out my wardrobe entirely to Spandex. You might laugh, but that's only because you guys don't posess my keen fashion forsight. Trust me, I'm ahead of the curve on this one. Between Spandex and bowling shoes, coupled with tinfoil wrapped around my torso, I plan on tearing up Gainesville this fall. Nobody will be able to resist my sex appeal. Especially with the sun glistening off the foil and resonating on my softly illuminated mullet. That's hot, and you know it. -Jarod Kintz
Dear Ruprecht, Yesterday I found myself crying as I was looking at your girlfriend's pictures. I think I might have blown my nose in her panties. Or was it her brassiere? You do know they sell photo albums, right? She doesn't have to keep her pictures stashed under her underoos. Boy, you two are really kinky, huh? She had you all dressed up as an elf with green ass-less pants on. That one touched me deeply. 9Or was that her binary anal defribulator that did that?) Well, just thought I'd send you a quick shout and let you know I liked what I saw. (Who knew she was so flexible? I guess only having one leg helps out, too.) Take care my refrigerated friend. ~Jarod
If my ex girlfriend was an egg, I probably would have beaten her until her brain was scrambled. Then I'd have dumped pepper in her hair and sneezed all over her face.
I once dated two Gretchens back to back. The first one was bad enough, but by the end of the second one I started calling her reGretchen.
My ex girlfriend was as heavy as Chinese soup. She must have weighed Wanton.
Unibrow: That holy union, the sacred coming together of two eye brows. Let it be knownst that God almighty made gel for which to style a sturdy unibrow, but Lucifer himself didst create tweezers to uproot and scatter the hairs of God's chosen brows.
she was so fat I could have jogged 26.2 miles in her underoos and still only covered half the waste band.
He was as soft as a mattress, and just as easy to fuck over. -Jarod Kintz
For all our backwards thinking, man has made remarkable progress forward.
Being involved in sports is a way to unite the mind and body. So logically, without sports, our brains would all be flopping on the ground. Some even rolling in the gutter. It's not wonder everyone in America is fat and possesses a filthy mind.
Some people are addicted to sex. Others huff glue. Still others steal to satisfy their addiction and then they huff their stash of panties. I'm a recovering pantyholic.
My grandpa, my father, and myself all have "O" as our middle initial. If I have a son, he'll also get the "O" as his middle initial. His full name will be Spaghetti O Kintz. sure it may seem canned, but I think he'll really eat it up.
During hurricane season, the skies in Florida can get pretty threatening. I remember one stormy afternoon, one of the clouds called me a bitch, and then started hurling insults in the form of lightning at me. So I did what I always do--hid under Mother's bed. I can still hear that thunderous, mocking laugh when I think about it.
I got into an argument with a monkey over toilet paper. I hurled intellectual insults at him, and he hurled insults in the form of poop at me. He did make a good point though.
America has more lawyers than any country in the world. I guess this also means that America should have more great jokes than any country in the world.
I'll only go hunting in Africa if there are at least two other people with me. and I have to be faster than the strongest, and stronger than the fastest.
Steve Allen was as funny as a donkey, only without any surprising kicks.
Like a brain on a plate that's resting on the seat of a unicycle that's rolling on a tight rope, he was mentally unbalanced.
I love semi intelligent people, because I know next to nothing about trucks.
I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.
I went to the club with a soldier in the Army once. I wore a Polo shirt and jeans. He wore neon lights. Once we got into the club he disappeared. Club camouflage I guess.
I saw Pinocchio in the park the other day. He was walking something that had four legs and was made of wood. I think he was walking a chair. Only he wasn't really walking, he was kind of just sitting there. Or it could have also just been an old man sitting on a park bench, feeding flecks of skin that he kept tearing off his elbow and feeding to the hungry squirrels.
Out of principal I never bite my nails because they can't bite back.
It must be cool to have the largest collection of people from trailer parks all gathered under one roof. One day maybe I too can be the owner of a Wal-Mart.
I drink lots of water in the winter time. That way, nobody knows it when they are eating my "yellow snow".
I once got into an argument with a pine tree. I got so mad that I threw a pine cone at it. The pine tree then dumped a bucket of frozen semen on me. We are no longer friends. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I like watching baseball on mute while wearing a blindfold. It's more entertaining that way.
Time is not a visible object, it's a concept. So why call a timepiece a watch? Since the timepiece clings to the wrist, and time is a concept, why not call it a grasp?
Heroes aren't born heroes. I've never heard of a newborn baby coming out wearing Spandex and a cape. No, heroes are made. Probably in Taiwan.
I think I'm allergic to Elvis. Every time I hear him my feet break out and my hips start convulsing and gyrating as my upper lip twitches uncontrollably.
I once saw a jukebox that said, "Live Music." And it had a window. And sure enough, inside that jukebox was a pack of midgets taking requests. They sure did a hell of a U2 cover.
No matter how hard I try, there are not enough hours in the day to fit a whole weekend.
I got a girl pregnant once. She said she needed child support, so I bought the kid some crutches.
A man is like a piece of bread that's spread with crunchy peanut butter, and a woman is like a piece that's spread with smooth jelly. And marriage is the coming together of the crunchy man and the smooth woman to form a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the couple's first home being rather modest, roughly the size of a lunch box. -Jarod Kintz
I enjoy spending my free time the same way an enslaved man would: day dreaming.
I think a good name for a baseball team would be the diarrheas, because they're bound to get lots of good runs.
Telling horror stories around the dinner table always gave me goose bumps. and I'm allergic to geese, so I'd always break out in a rash and start frantically scratching my genitals with the serving fork.
The only way I know how to keep a secret is in a Tupperware container. I have lots of secrets about dismembered people buried in the freezer. The best secrets are frozen secrets.
I can see my book going a long way towards helping humanity. Maybe even as far as Bangladesh.
Real friends buy real books. Fake friends buy fake flowers. Neither one needs water.
My ex girlfriend, she was so fake, I bought her some fake flowers and some pseudo science books and she never even said thanks. Freaking womannequins.
My book is virtually guaranteed to heal all wounds, just so long as it is used in conjunction with Neosporin.
A real friend would have my book on them at all times, while a fake friend would have on pants instead.
My book goes great in the bathroom. ever man needs a hearty laugh in there, one that's not caused by gawking at ones own genitals in the mirror. -Jarod Kintz
Friends may provide a lifetime full of laughter, but they'll never quote give you the same satisfying feeling as standing in the pasture and vomiting up grass into a bowl and then eating it with a garden shovel. That's the kind of thing you start to enjoy when all your friends are bovine.
I wish friends didn't come in all shapes and sizes because then they could all fit in one size box. Then, when I wrap one friend up to give to another friend as a Christmas present, that friend couldn't tell who it was based on the size of the box.
Moving is tough. Leaving a friend behind is hard to deal with, especially when you get to where you are going and you realize that you had room enough in your trunk for one more box, and now poor Renaldo's stuck in a box in the attic of your old residence.
If a man ever resorts to arguing with his fists, he's already lost. No man should ever engage in debate with a group of knuckles, it's just too crazy.
During an argument, it's better to raise your eyebrow than your voice. But if blinking were screaming, my eyes would be scratchy after many ludicrous debates.
After seeing a stunningly beautiful woman walk by at a party, an astonished guy gouged both of his eyes out saying, "That was the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen. I have no need to ever look at anything else, as I want that to be my last lingering image." "That's too bad," replied his friend, "because she just started taking off all her clothes." -Jarod Kintz
Even if Grandfather did have eyes in the back of his head, I still wouldn't be any more comfortable with him driving in reverse on the interstate.
I don't understand how people can't see Jesus as God. How else could he have gotten the whole world to know his name before mass communication was even invented if he wasn't divine?
A judge is a man who, using a mallet, takes the law into his own hands.
I went to a conference on brevity, but it was cut short.
I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.
I'm betting against myself. Even if I lose, I win. -Jarod Kintz
Musically I'm a perfectionist. I bought a flute just to seal up the holes. Now I use it as a baton.
I bought a dog whistle just so I could whistle at all the pretty women I see and them not know it. Only the real bitches turn around and glare at me. -Jarod Kintz
A perfect ass is like two half circles, like the smiles on smiley faces, and it akes a man grin jsut as big too once he sees one.
I once saw an advertisement for a butterfly photo competition. So I went home and put on my purple Spandex body suit, put a Fuschia Speedo on over that, and then clipped on my matching Fuschia butterfly wings. Then I posed in the branches of a tree while Mr. Boo snapped away pictures with the speed of the setting sun. Come to think of it, I never heard back from the competition. We thought surely that our pics would at least be among the finalists.
I couldn't untie the knot to remove my shoe once, so I severed my foot off at the ankle. And ever since that day, my world view has been slightly slanted.
What is an Ars Poetica? Is it a streaming consciencness of poetry as described by many poets? Is it art for arts sake as Oscar wilde might have interjected like a bull on Red Bull energetically charging through the poetic palace of history, yet he was best known as a playright, not a poet-- but does it even matter? He was among the greatest thinkers of his generation and thus he could stand against any generation like a generator in the winds of a hurricane that provides light and power the dark and stormy world. Yes, I think yes, Ars Poetica is about streaming like a river of thought that flows from mind to finger and from finger to screen and without delay like the connection of my internet, not without the help of servers--much like the great servers in history, men who have led the way intellectually so that we might be able to stand on their backs--unless we are wearing cleats, then we might stand lonely in a field kicking a soccer ball of ideas around with out skinny, pen-like legs.
What is an Ars Poetica? Is it a streaming
Consciousness of poetry used for describing meaning
By many poets? Is it art for arts sake
As Oscar Wilde might have staked
And interjected like a bull on Red Bull
Energetically charging—speed on full—
Through the poetic palace of history?
Yet Wilde was best known for his stories,
As a playwright, not a poet-- but does it even matter?
He was a dish on the platter
Of greatest thinkers of his generation
And thus he could stand venerated
Against any generation like a generator
In the winds of a hurricane that accelerates
And provides light and powers the dark
And stormy world. Yes, I think yes, Ars
Poetica is about streaming like a river
Of thought that flows from mind to finger
And from finger to screen and without delay
Like the connection of my internet, Frayed
Not, smooth cable wire aided with the help of servers—
Much like the great servers in history, men who, unswervingly,
Have led the way intellectually so that we
Might be able to stand on their backs--unless we
Are wearing cleats, then we might stand
Lonely in a field kicking a soccer ball of grand
Ideas around with out skinny, pen-like legs,
Laying ideas and hatching poetic eggs. -Jarod Kintz
Men's Bathroom Attendent: It's not a fecal fad, it's a movement...a bowel movement.
I think that one of the most frustrating things imaginable, to me anyway, is if God came down to me in the form of a burning bush in a wheel barrow and told me that to reach heaven I would need to catch him as he rolled away at exactly half the speed that I would run. Upon catching him I would need to kneel down and kiss his feet (which would take the form of roots in this case). But the paradox is that the flame is so hot that if I came too close I would instantly combust and perish. So in that scenario I would not get to heaven, but I would ask that if on my journey to hell I could be taken in the same wheel barrow that God was in, and I would kiss the dirt in the wheel barrow and hope that a little bit of God was left in there so that I might be spared and get into heaven. -Jarod Kintz
I am no bigger than a bug crossing the road. A filthy road. I am no bigger than a Volkswagen crossing the road. A lonely road. I am no bigger than a Beetle crossing the road. Abbey road.
Some girls like to flash for the cameras, and sometimes the cameras like to flash for the girls.
Ten books stacked like ten bricks with chewing gum acting as mortar holding them upright. Ten books telling ten stories that ten microphones couldn't pick up. Ten books like ten weights that no foolish strong man could pick up on. Ten books like ten body guards giving you comfort when you feel picked on. Ten books like ten boogers, carelessly tossed aside after being delicately picked out. -Jarod Kintz
A post on my Randomness Group: abooooodWrote: The Affiliate Bank - Cash In 15 Mins How You Can Create An Additional Income And Easily Make An Extra $100,$400 or Even $1,000 Per Day, Using A Completely Hands Free Automated System That Rakes In Cash Hand Over Fist..
My response: This is true! I just made over $1,000 dollars without using my hands. I made money with my feet! I just knitted (using only my feet) socks made out of $100 dollar bills! These look terrific with my new green flip flops (also purchased using this miracle money system). -Jarod Kintz
Someone posted a topic saying that there is a free giveaway of Gucci handbags. This is my response: This is true! I just got a new Gucci handbag, without even using my hands (I ordered with my feet). I was told that I could also carry it with my feet since much of what I do now involves not using my hands. I even masturbate with my feet now, and I do it all while making piles of money. Ahh, life is good. Money, masturbation, and FREE Gucci handbags to drag along with my feet. -Jarod Kintz
To me, reality and fantasy are nothing more than two sides of the same coin. And that coin would happen to be a wooden nickel that is being eaten by a giant communist termite who has a phobia of Thomas Jefferson, democratic dialogue, and surprisingly, wood. But the reality is that we all have to swallow our fear sometimes, even if our fears are a fantasy.
To me, reality and fantasy are like Siamese twins--they are separated in thought, but in reality they are one and the same.
A man who mocks Judaism should fear for his career. A man who mocks Islam should fear for his life. And a man who mocks Christianity should fear for his soul.
I would like to meet new people, but almost all new people have a problem controlling their bladders and they cry too much.
What's up with friends who are always there when you need them? I don't need them there, I need them here with me, where the problem is.
I like traveling. I'd like to travel to a star that's a light year away, but I only get two weeks vacation time. That's the problem with space travel, it takes up too much time. I wonder if the inverse is true of time travel? Is the reason we can't travel through time because it takes up too much space?
If I could turn back time, to the night of my conception, and kill my father, would that be a double murder, or just a murder and a suicide? -Jarod Kintz
Jed and Bobby ray were driving in a truck that was so clunky and rusty it looked like a stove top oven from the 19th century. And they were as plump, pasty and soft as a couple of biscuits. And then the writer, me, lost interest in the story, as well as having to leave, so the story is brought to an abrupt -Jarod Kintz
I know a gay man who is really fruity. But he's got a passion, a passion for fruit. Passion fruit to be more presice. So essentially I know a fruit who's passionate about passionate fruit. How sweet is that? -Jarod Kintz
I'm sure glad everyone is getting along now. Let's all meander on over and grab a free handbag for our feet. Did I mention that to accompany my new handbag that I wear on my feet, I'm learning to walk on my hands? It's true! And I am learnign how to do it at the same time that I am making piles of cash with my feet. It never gets old to me, talking about making money with my feet as I type this with my toes. Damn big toe keeps hitting two keys at once and then I have to backspace with my pinky toe, which is sore from getting it caught in the door of my car as I was opening it. -Jarod Kintz
Hey, congrats on being the number 1 mom! That's fantastic. My mom was number 57 on this years list. That's up two places from last year. She beat out that old hag Mrs. Worthington, who incidentally was trying to enter the competition in two categories: world's greatest mother, and world's greatest grandmother. Well, needless to say she got what she deserved by losing some ground this year. Were you at the annual banquet this year? I was suposed to present the award for this years "Mother of the year," but I got disqualified by some lewd comments I made about some of the sexy mothers on the list. Go figure. -Jarod Kintz
The truth is like shit--sometimes it just has to come out. And why the truth always has to come out while I'm stuck in traffic I'll never know.
A Coke with no coke still has caffeine, but a coffee with no caffeine still has a bitter taste.
The only way I'd marry a widow is if God let me remarry her.
Channel surfing without a remote is like a woman masturbating without using any external devices.
I'd only drink coffee to give my teeth a tan, but I'd also be willing to grow out a mustache and dye it white just to make my teeth appear browner. Plus, my knees caps are balding.
Robert Olen Butler did to me what the Veterinarian had to do to my cat Baby Spartacus--put her to sleep. -Jarod Kintz
I wish I had gloves made of bubble gum that I could wear all the time so that I wouldn’t be asked to run my fingers through my girlfriend’s hair.
I love flipping through the pages of great books for the same reason some women flip their hair: it nourishes my vanity.
Dear Edmond, I’d like to apologize for the inconvenient situation that arose between you and your girlfriend when you two were making love and Renaldo busted out of your hamper and started throwing dirty underwear at you. That was entirely my fault. I have no idea how he broke through all the duct tape. And as to your question of how he got in your hamper in the first place, well that was another communicative misunderstanding on my part. When you told me that he was going on vacation in the Hampton’s, I thought you said he was going to the hamper. And since you are the only roommate who doesn’t throw their dirty clothes in the sink (although in Ruprecht’s case it’s ok since all his clothes are rags anyway), I went ahead and stuffed Renaldo in your hamper. Again, sorry for the dilemma. I’ll try not to be the Shakespeare of the house and not start all the drama anymore. ~Jarod
This morning I walked into an elevator to find a blind, one-fingered man shouting and pointing his finger at an armless man who only had one eye. (I think he was wearing a monocle, too.) They were arguing about how best to get to their respective floors. Fortunately for them, I was wearing my cheerleading outfit, and had my boom box, so I broke into my "Teamwork” cheer. Shortly after, motivated by my movements and style, the Cyclops was able to direct the blind man’s finger to where the buttons for all our floors were, while I continued to gyrate and shake my palm palms in encouragement. It really was a beautiful thing. -Jarod Kintz
This morning I walked into an elevator to find a blind, one-fingered man shouting and pointing his finger at an armless man who only had one eye. (I think he was wearing a monocle, too.) They were arguing about how best to get to their respective floors. Fortunately for them, I was wearing my cheerleading outfit, and had my boom box, so I broke into my "Teamwork" cheer. Shortly after, motivated by my movements and style, the Cyclops was able to direct the blind man's finger as to where the buttons for all our floors were, while I continued to gyrate my pelvis and shake my palm palms in encouragement. It really was a beautiful thing. -Jarod Kintz
In honor of the Great Friedrick Nietszche, I've decided to honor his genius and grow a memorial mustache in the same manner as he wore his. I've been growing it now for a few weeks, and I keep it in a jar in my basement. I take it out every night and pet and stoke it as I ponder metaphysical things, such as the true nature of mustaches. So it's basically the world's first metaphysical mustache, or metastache as I like to call it. -Jarod Kintz
This morning I walked into an elevator to find a blind, one-fingered man shouting and pointing his finger at an armless man who only had one eye. (I think he was wearing a monocle, too.) They were arguing about how to best get to their respective floors. Fortunately for them, I was wearing my cheerleading outfit, and had my boom box, so I broke into my "Teamwork" cheer. Shortly after, motivated by my movements and style, the Cyclops was able to direct the blind man's finger as to where all the buttons to all our floors were, while I continued to gyrate my pelvis and shake my palm palms in encouragement. It really was a beautiful thing. -Jarod Kintz
A journey on an elevator is the quickest way to transcend and ascend into the great above without taking a single step upwards or vertically asserting yourself. -Jarod Kintz
I wrote you a love note on the back of a napkin. Please don't wipe your ass with it.
My dreams are shards of glass that I shared with you, but you stepped all over them. Then you tracked your bloody feet all over the white carpet of my conscience.
I have such fond memories of the time we spent together. I was so in love with you. But as soon as those elevator doors opened, you walked out of my life forever. Was it because I farted?
If you flick me off, I'll flick a booger at your forehead.
Being in a relationship is like being a contrarian book: sometimes you get burned, but sometimes you get opened up and really get to have an impact on someone's life.
I'm vehemently against burning books. Go directly to the source. Burn the authors!
I'm violently against conflict. I'm also opposed to contradiction. -Jarod Kintz
I am the concrete that crumbles at your feet, and you are the vine that clings to the bricks of my being, that holds me up when the mortar of my life has all but decayed.
If they made a remote control that doubled as a dildo, I don't think I'd ever get off my ass to change the channel. -Jarod Kintz
Dear Jarod, I’m writing to invite you (me) to my (your) party this coming weekend. I know that you want to know why I am emailing you. Do I always email myself? you ask. Well, I won’t answer that since I know you already know the answer to that. Well, I hope to see you there. ~Jarod
P.S. You don’t need to send me an affirmative response since I’ll instinctively know whether or not you’ll be coming.
Dear Jarod, Thanks for the invite! That was very courteous of you, taking time out of my busy schedule to write me and tell me about something you knew I already knew about. Aside from the fact that I knew I’d have a new message in my inbox, it really didn’t surprise me to see that you had written to me. I’ve come to expect that of myself. And you never seem to let me down. I wish I could also say that I never let you down, but after that message from you in my inbox, I’m just not so sure. Listen, don’t take this the wrong way, but I really don’t think you should write to me anymore. Thanks, Jarod
My girlfriend yelled at me for eating all the dog food. And she got even angrier for some reason when I explained that I thought it was just the leftovers from the night before. -Jarod Kintz
It’s harder for women to climb the corporate ladder than men, because all their male bosses are under them trying to look up their skirts. -Jarod Kintz
180 Comments:
How surreal!
Relationships between men and women are very puzzling, and also like this comic, very pleasing.
reminds me of the park.-sam
very cute.
-Brianna
My peanut butter sandwich completes me. I eat it at the park.
Samantha
This comic is very pleasing to my eye.
Birdman
I think this comic is very surreal. But I don't know what surreal means. My Jimmy Choo's complete me!
Jessica Simpson
The way a bat kisses a ball, that's love. Don't take glove for granted.
-Jarod Kintz
the way my cat kissed a gull, now that puts "true love" into perspective, said the spider to the fly...
--Mahatmansamatman
Never forsake glove, and your balls will always be happy.
-Jarod Kintz
So, what does baseball have to do with it?
I think the girl should have five pieces of the puzzle and the guy should have one. Wouldn't this more accurately reflect relationships? You can tell this cartoon was created by a GUY.
Baseball has nothing to do with anything. I just felt like writing that. And maybe the girl should have five pieces and the guy one. I like that.
-Jarod
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How can I suggest a cool shirt for you to make? It'd be a female shirt with two holes cut out of the front so the boobies show.
You know... it looks like Jarod exemplifies Five Easy Pieces (see the crazy movie with Jack Nicholson). But that would be from the girl's viewpoint. The girl without a head. Oh yeah, the head that Jarod bit off. She must have had good brains. Wasn't that some African tribe that believed you could get the smarts of a worthy opponent by eating their brains?
--The Ghost in the Machine
I was once told to invest in stocks and bonds. But I chose to only invest in bonds. Bonds do have more fun.
Sometimes, when I listen to U2, I cry myself to sleep with their beautiful melodies. But then I wake up very quickly with the honk of the horns from the oncoming traffic.
-Jarod Kintz
After my girlfriend kicked me to the curb, she changed the locks on me. Lucky for me she accidentally left the passenger side door open.
-Jarod Kintz
Love is a mouse that we all hastily chase. Most of us don't catch it, so we have to resort to licking ourselves.
-Jarod Kintz
One must proceed with caution when coming to a three way stop on a boardwalk. You gotta look out for those splintersections.
-Lauren Zimpel
Charity of the sister of compassion. The sickly little one that wheezes in her wheelchair.
-Jarod Kintz
Bravery is a commodity I sell in times of peace. But I am the fiercely proud son of a chicken farmer.
-Jarod Kintz
I love finding suprises in the bottom of the dryer. That's where I found my latest boyfriend.
Evening strolls are said to ease the mind and elevate the spirit. But not if you are strolling through your own insane ideas.
Lauren Zimpel
Sometimes I let the innerchild in me be free. But I am always having to change his diapers.
There are some things a woman needs from a man that he cannot give her...like another man.
I heart this comic!!! It is one of my favorite ones =) You have such a quirky sense of humor, that always makes me laugh.
Gchickie
I would have to disagree and say that we mostly chase rats when looking for love and that the ones who find love end up licking themselves anyways.
My brother licks himself. Sometimes he licks me as well. Although when he gets angry, he gets furious.
-Jarod Kintz
I think I know your brother. Does he hang out on the corner next to the crayon shop?
What do you know about the crayon shop? Have you spoken to anybody about what you've seen? If I were you I'd speak to no one. You are in a dangerous situation. You are dealing with madmen. Madmen with crayons. If you talk, I will not hesitate to brutally stab you with a green crayon. Or maybe even the blue crayon, depending on how much you say. I also know how to use colored pencils, so you are on a fine line with me.
-Jarod Kintz
You don't scare me. I am good with finger paints and there isn't a soul in the world who wouldn't be afraid of that, except for mabye the pottery wheel.
Nomadic birth control: morning after pillage.
-Jarod Kintz
I can't write right not, I'm having a brainfreeze. I think I'll step out of the refrigerator, it's cramping my style.
-Jarod Kintz
I've never been abducted by aliens, but I have been to South America.
-Jarod Kintz
I've never had sex with two women at once, unless you count my x-girlfriend who used to talk to herself.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex with my wife has become estranged. Sometimes we're so distant, our phone bill is huge.
-Jarod Kintz
I've never had cybersex. My penis just won't fit in the USB port.
-Jarod Kintz
I've never been on a date with someone I didn't care about...getting into her pants.
-Jarod Kintz
Before every interview I talk to myself, give myself little pep talks, like a coach, and then slap my own ass for good luck.
-Jarod Kintz
Some people are born with patience, but I'll have to wait a lifetime for mine to develop. This makes me the most impatient patient person ever.
-Jarod Kintz
Ever since I can remember I've loved Charles, and I just met her last Tuesday.
-Jarod Kintz
What you don't know can't hurt you, unless you don't know a rusty spoon is about to be thrust in your eye.
-Jarod Kitz
Doritoes curling over the edge of the pool filled with Pepsi as I dive in. Later they would say I drowned, but I know that I died from a broken heart and clogged arteries.
-Jarod Kintz
Is it better to die from a broken heart, or a clogged one?
-Jarod Kintz
The funeral home industry and the tissue industry should partner up for a promotion. Buy one pine box and get two free boxes of tissue.
-Jarod KIntz
Death may only be bad if you are not in the tissue industry.
-Jarod Kintz
Some people kill for fun, others kill for profit. If you're going to do it, why not make some money at it? Join the Army.
-Jarod Kintz
Some people are like pests: they must be exterminated. Especially when they scuttle in the dark corners of your kitchen cabinets, and crowd under your bathroom sink.
-Jarod Kintz
LIfe's not a game, but if it is, who's keeping score?
-Jarod Kintz
Little hairy people make better pets.
-Jarod Kintz
If your penis is your life, then you probably put your life in your hands all the time.
-Jarod Kintz
The lead singer of Tripod, the band, walked on all three's like a piano that's grand. Two hands and one leg is what he moved with, he was even steady after drinking a fifth.
-Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz
Defeat Start At The Ankles (Villanelle)
John’s feet were on fire as he lit up the night,
As Roger Bannister clocked him as he ran a mile to the river—
He can also play piano on a unicycle while juggling
Three relationships between four girls in two cities
But that’s because he runs his mouth as smooth as his legs.
John’s feet were on fire as he lit up the night
Like he lit up a cigarette when his Dad was diagnosed
With cancer of the lungs, but, like John,
He can also play piano on a unicycle while juggling
Many thoughts in his mind as he writes with his four toes,
Which he also counts the minutes it takes John to run
While his feet are on fire as he lights up the night
As he’s chased by girls with gasoline whom he’s burned
But somehow he manages to keep his balance
Because he can play the piano on a unicycle while juggling
All his memories of beaches and soccer, as he looks
Down at his black wheelchair and wishes his
Crippled feet were on fire as he lights up the night,
And he’s playing the piano on a unicycle while juggling too.
"I think my throat is swollen," John said to Alvin.
"It will be swollen with my fat member later on," allen said as he nudged him in the ribs as he slapped John's ass.
-Jarod Kintz
People can see the past as if written clearly before them. If we could read the future, would it be written backwards? What if we had a time machine that only went forwards in reverse, would that make things backwards?
-Jarod Kintz
If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.
-Jarod Kintz
Everybody likes burning their bridges, why not burn the villages too? True violence gets the blood flowing faster than a bottle of Viagra.
-Jarod Kintz
Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap.
-Jarod Kintz
Jogging is better exorcise than sex, but my knees are so bad I might just have to go back to jogging.
-Jarod Kintz
Having sex is better than being alone, if only for the fact that you get to talk to several people.
-Jarod Kintz
I always find the co-pilot's voice so soothing as he comes over the speaker of the plane. It always puts me right to sleep. This isn't a good thing, especialy because I'm flying the plane.
-Jarod Kintz
For women, riding on an airplane is slightly better than sex, only because the bag of nuts is more fulfilling.
-Jarod Kintz
I always drink on an empty stomach, that way I don't waste money with all the food I throw up.
-Jarod Kintz
I went to the bar with my boss. He bought me a round which I quickly clipped into my gun and poped off in his face at point blank range.
-Jarod Kintz
I think drinking games are fun. Especially card drinking games. My favorite is solitare.
-Jarod Kintz
Golfers shouldn't drink. Driving under the influence can im-par you.
-Jarod Kintz
I love White Russians. Kahlua. Milk. It does a bottle good.
-Jarod Kintz
Drink screwdrivers,go nuts and bolt into bed.
-Jarod Kintz
Great sex can be like a marathon. But don't get dehydrated, remember to drink from one of those little cups they hand you as you two run by.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to create a hotel just for teenagers. It'll be very minimalistic. Just a roof and a half-mile long backseat.
-Jarod Kintz
For my daughter's sixth birthday I took her to a strip club. They wouldn't let her in because she's not 18. So I told her to give me her birthday money and wait in the car for a few hours. It was a magical birthday party.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is like shoes. It works best in pairs, and for optimal performance, try tying the other one up.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is like a pop song. If you get a lot of play, you really get tired of the repitition of it.
-Jarod Kintz
Never have sex in the checkout line at WalMart. The lines are slow enough as it is without two people laying on the conveyer belt. But you might want to do it behind the customer service counter, you will get absolute privacy there.
-Jarod Kintz
2005 was a year of catastrophes--Robert Mugabe bravely lead his country further into economic disparity, the dollar fell below the Euro, hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans and the Gulf Coast, and of course, the tragic incident when Paris Hilton lost her dog. Speaking of Paris, rioting broke out over there. Cars were burned and relationships were torched as Arabs expressed their dismay that they were not being treated as equals and always got the soggy croissants with their morning value meal.
It was also a year of low consumer spending, and big loads. Britney spears got pregnant, and S. Hunter Thompson died and got shot out of a cannon. Britney had her baby, and Donald Trump's wife did also, proving once again that Viagra is the most useful pill money can buy, except in Donald's wife's case, maybe birth control is more in order.
Martha Stewart spent some time in the big house, and luckily avoided becoming some inmates
"Apprentice," at least until she got out when she tried her hand at her own Trump style show.
Her ratings for the show, along with President Bush's approval ratings fell faster than a little boy's pants at the Neverland Ranch. In a realted event, Michael Jackson reputedly converted to Islam, and is now fiercely enjoying the time he spends on his knees...praying.
The price of gas rose to record highs not seen in recent decades, yet America managed to save money on their electric bill. It turns out that more people were turning off their TVs exactly at the same time Carson Daily came on. Speaking of dead air space, 2005 saw a record bubble blowing accross the country as house prices soar like CEOs into orbit. Most notably in California, which experienced large masses of people leaving, most of them in cars they won on Oprah's talk sho; although, due to high gas prices, most only made it to Las Vegas where they celebrated the cities centennial anniversary and enjoyed free drinks, and lots of snapshots with large men wearing snake-eyes sunglasses they mistakengly took for Greg Raimer.
And finally, in sports, baseball suffered a steroid scandal as many players were accused of "juicing," although most vehemently denied that it was supplied to them by Michael Jackson. And Peyton Manning once again dominated the game, setting another NFL record for his eighth consecutive season with 25 touchdowns or more, proving once and for all that he is no ordinary Manning, but a legend.
-Jarod Kintz
Who is they? And how do they know I stuff cans down my pants? Lance, I thought I told you to get down from the tree branch outside of my window. Stop watching me while I bathe. Between you and Peeping Tim I don't know if I can shower in my underwear anymore, I'll have to borrow someone else's. And I don't stuff cans in my pants anymore, I've switched to potatoes because after a long sweaty day I just pull them out and peel the skin off. Then I add some butter and sour cream and I have a late night snack.
-Jarod Kintz
My wife cried when she found out she couldn't have children. I tried to comfort her by sying, "It's ok honey, you're not the only one who can't have kids. Our kids won't be having kids either." Suprisingly, this made her cry even harder.
-Jarod Kintz
I met a woman at the bar whose legs were married. Later that night I cnvinced them to divorce and seperate. Little did I know they had a child between the two of them that hung like a monkey on the branch. Just as hairy too.
-Jarod Kintz
Some women don't want to have sex before their married. Some don't want to have sex while they're married. And some don't even want it after the marriage is over. And by some, I mean my wife.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't think I'll ever love a woman as long as my wife. Seriously, she's like 71 inches.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend asked me if she looked skinny. I said, "Not as skinny as those windows," pointing across the hotel room which overlooked the city. She then responded, "I'm much skinnier than those windows!" "Good," I said as I threw her out of them.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm in love with my legs. I bought them an ankle bracelet as an engagement ring. This is the first time where I'm not wearing the pants in the relationship.
-Jarod Kintz
I could tell when my ex girlfriend was in love by the way she smelled. She smelled like my best friend. Trouble was, so did I.
-Jarod Kintz
I can count all my friends on one hand. Yeah, my friends are tiny.
-Jarod Kintz
A person spends a large portion of their life going to the bathroom. I figure I'll cut down on the travel time and just go in my pants.
-Jarod Kintz
Women's legs are love. I like to spread the love.
-Jarod Kintz
Yesterday my wife left me for another man. I was so angry I must have yelled and screamed for thirty minutes while my girlfriend just patiently listened.
-Jarod Kintz
Yesterday I kicked my girlfriend to the curb. I tell you, never date a homeless woman. When we fought over the blanket, it was harsh.
-Jarod Kintz
I love having family over for the hollidays. Over seas.
-Jarod Kintz
In my last relationship, I put everything I had before one day just up and leaving. Everything I had were my two kids, and credit card debt.
-Jarod Kintz
My father and I had a great relationship. At least until he went and slept with someone else.
-Jarod Kintz
What do you call a motivated homosexual? Passion fruit.
-Jarod Kintz
I encourage guys to fuck like rabbits. They should be quick about it, and learn the value of a well placed carrot.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend gets religious during sex. She'll break out the Rosary for anal beads. She always has been a tight ass.
-Jarod Kintz
Crime victims are harder than a puzzle to figure out. But, when they are in many pieces they are easier to fit into boxes and bury.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend loves anal sex. Hey, what's white and thirteen inches? My foot in her ass, I mean my mouth.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to work with a homosexual. He was a little too fruity for me. Yeah, I like it when they taste minty.
-Jarod Kintz
Why do guys feel they have to say I love you during sex? Seriously guys, that's not what I want to hear while you're pounding it out back there.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to make love in the rain. Trouble is, I live in the desert. So I just run around naked and alone and get sunburns on my dick.
-Jarod Kintz
People complain a lot about the Mexicans in this country. But despite what you may think about them, you have to admit that they are very environmentaly friendly. There are about 20 million illegal immigrants in the U.S from Mexico. And that seems like a lot until you consider that they all ride around in one car.
-Jarod Kintz
Complete is as complete does, as Forrest would say. I need a puzzle piece; do you Jared? Trouble is all those jagged edges...but fit happens! Maureen
These last five years have flown by like a flock of pidgeons, and there is shit everywhere. But I can't complain. I'm as healthy as an ox, and as beautiful as one too. I've seen a lot, mostly with my eyes closed and my foot resting like my eyelids--heavy on the gas pedal. But a gas pedal is no pillow, and neither is a breast a good gas pedal, although a most excellent pillow. I've learned that experience isn't everything. THe main thing to remember is that you have to experience things to experience them. I can't remember the last time I saw a sunrise over the Atlantic ocean sitting in an eagle's nest atop a tree in the Rocky Mountains, while wearing a yellow Speedo and a fake mustache, and holding a Martini in one hand, and the remote control to my TV in the other. But then again, my memory is as bad as my credit score. Or was 480 my SAT scare? Who knows, I was half asleep when I took it. I'm always half asleep. I was born half asleep. Half asleep, half German, that's what I am. My mother was passed out on the very sofa that I stole from my dad and gave to her as a Mother's day present on Father's day, two years ago, the very same day I was conceived. Ah, but am I to be believed? I would if I were you, and I can pretend to be you just as easily as you can believe me.
-Jarod Kintz
The only time it's ok to clone ten thousand people and stuff them all in a briefcase is when you're talking about Ben Franklin, baby. America's my baby, and I am one of her founding fathers. But I didn't donate any of my fluids to her womb, all my energy and orgasms I gave to France. I invented glasses, and you know it's not right to hit a man who invented glasses. Unless you hit me with your breasts. You may have heard that I'm a swinging kind of guy. Well, ladies, you heard right. It's not a party without the Benjamin, baby.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes it takes a twisted view to straiten the world out.
-Jarod Kintz
Dolphins are so intelligent I feel that they'd make excellent readers, if only they didn't ruin the books by turning the pages with their watery flippers.
Wilbur Smith is like a banker who takes people's money, but he does it in a more subtle way: he writes great books.
I talked to a guy named Clint, from West Virginia, who said he'd probably think my book was funny if only he could read. I told him, "Rome wasn't built in a day. Keep working and studying hard. After 39 years of trying, you're bound to memorize the alphabet soon." He then wanted to know if Rome was a new restaurant in town, and if wanted to know if they were hiring dishwashers. I told him yes, and then I wrote him directions on a napkin that consisted of four lefts, at each street corner.
Why do the masses of people know the names of athletes and not the names of artists, writers, scientists, and thinkers in general? I mean you could take the average genius IQ of the great thinkers and divide it by 60 to get the average steroid pumping penis size of the athletes--and as small as that is, they still only have the capacity to work one head at a time. Actually, they only have enough brain capacity to work the smaller of the two at any given moment.
A WASP flies into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here," to which the WASP replies, "You're quite right my good man. It’s better that you serve me at my own home anyway. If you want to set your rag down and follow me back to my house, I'll let you shower off in the sprinkler before you come inside."
Two donkeys walk into a bar and order a drink. The bartender, who say them walk in, doesn't even glance up as he says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." Then one donkey turns to the other donkey and says, "Yeah, get the fuck out of here."
A man walks up to the owner of two missing dogs and says, "You know those flyers, about your dogs, the ones that are missing?" The owner smiles and says, "Thank God, you found them?" “Yes," replied the man, "They were in the copy machine where you left them."
-Jarod Kintz
Someone once said, "Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself." I don't understand that because in every relationship, somebody's always breaking that advice. So, it leads me to believe if half the people fit into the category of being crazier than their partner, then they saying only holds true for 50% of the people. It could also be said that it's half true. But that's good because about half the time I prefer half-truths. The other half of the time I prefer half-lies, except on Tuesdays when I prefer whole lies about it being Friday--which works out perfectly because I always thought Mondays worked better as Thursdays anyways.
The moonlight shivered down the stratosphere's spine, while I was so nervous I wasn't sweating bullets, I was sweating whole magazine clips. And just about that moment I lost interest in the main character and drifted off...
-Jarod Kintz
I too am a warrior. A warrior of love. Sadly, I am not well seasoned yet.
-Jarod Kintz
Two cans strung together are not an effective means of communicating in the 21st century, unless you consume the contents of the can before carrying on a conversation.
If you listen to the rhythmic sounds of the waves in a conch shell long enough, pretty soon you'll start hearing the shell tell you that you should go down to the beach and drown your boss in the surf. I'd recommend following the shells advice if A) you've ever heard a conch shell administer this advice before, and B) you are self employed.
If there's a severe drought, I'd look to changing the way we treat the environment. By reducing pollution, we can stop punching mother nature in her vagina. Of course there's a drought, no woman ever got wet from assault!
Our worldly parents are Mother Nature, and Father Time. This makes logical sense. I know my mother, growing up nature comforts us and nurtures us. As for my father, well I've never seen him. All I have is this watch to remind me of him.
-Jarod Kintz
I like my broads more narrow than broad.
Your girlfriend's emotions are not a thing to be tossed around like a frisbee at a picnic.Frisbees end up on roofs. Your girlfriend's emotions shouldn't end up on the roof, they should end up in the kitchen, because that's where they and her physical body should spend most of their time.
Even the bravest of babies still shits itself now and again.
Life's many questions are like dicks: some are longer and harder than others. And if you stand in the corner working one out yourself for long enough, eventually the answer will come shooting out.
A religious raisin is a born again grape.
I'm proud to be a contrarian. I enjoy doing things different from everybody else. Even with my cars I try to be a contrarian. I'd like a car that has stationary windshield wipers, and a windshield that moves back and forth.
The immense amount of pressure it takes to create a diamond is nothing compared to the pressure a woman puts on a man to place that diamond on her finger. BUt I don't respond well to pressure, so the most a woman can expect out of me right now is a lump of coal on her ring finger.
A sunset for you could be a sunset for me, depending on my position in the world, or how I choose to see things.
People say the average American family is getting smaller, but I feel they are getting larger. I'm not measuring the births of the children, I'm measuring the girths of the children.
-Jarod Kintz
Too many people live their lives as if they are simply waiting for death. Don't just wait for death, run full spead into oncoming traffic.
I was going to go to grandmother's house next thursday, but apparently she tore down our tree fort. So next time you see Mr. voldimar, tell him I went to visit aunt Mildred instead. Oh, and tell him not to mail me my binary anal defribulator until I get back. Say hi to sammy for me.
-Jarod Kintz
I like sending random messages to random people online who I don't know. I feel conversations are funnier when you don't know the person and you start the conversation in the middle, like you already know them. I treat it like I've known them for years. Then I make it really absurd and bizarre and it makes for a great ice breaker and it's a lot of fun. People either laugh, or come back with some really random things themselves. I also like a more subtle message to people I don't know. I like writing a message with a madeup memory, a shared experience, that I say we went through. I reflect on it laughingly and use a third party name, something like John, because everyone knows a John. It makes it sound more believable if another person was there. Then I make the situations not so bizarre and outragous, so that the person really questions whether it happened or not. Many times the person will write back in the affirmative, just because it could have happened, and they would rather lie and pretend they remember the event, rather than hurt my feelings by saying they don't.
-Jarod Kintz
In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.
-Jarod Kintz
Saving up enough toe nails to press into canvas is a great idea. I'm tired of painting with oil based paints. I'd love to paint in nail polish. The only problem, for me anyway, is that I'm the Starving Artist, and I eat all of my toe nail clippings.
-Jarod Kintz
the Mad Scientist: Did you know that toe nails are harder than some mineral substances? You might want to think about making jewelry out of your discarded clippings. If you have healthy nails, you could coat them with some sort of acrylic glaze. I'll bet they'd make a sharp necklace, if you strung them together. My wife is pretty bony (she died ten years ago), and I'll bet she'd look fantastic wearing a string of nails. On our annaversary this year, after I dig her up, I'll put them on her. I'm sure that's all we'll talk about during dinner.
-Jarod Kintz
Garrett: My toe nails won't grow, due to the fact that all of my toes got torn off during a moving piano/farm animal incident a few years back. Most people say my toes cause them to lose their apetite. It's true. They are very filling, but I only let special people savor the flavor of them.
-Jarod Kintz
I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, "Don't make the same mistake I made with your mother. Remember to pull out."
Killers don't shoot guns, killers shoot people. But no killer would ever think to shoot me, because the scope that's mounted on my back isn't very accurate at distances over ten paces.
The wise man in the woods gives me seemingly prophetic advice. I once asked him if I should marry Beatrice. He simply pulled down his pants and started massaging his groin and gyrating his hips, while he trembled and wept at the sky. But he was right, you know. I'm sure glad I didn't marry her.
-Jarod Kintz
Men have better aim than women. For example, I can pee in the sink, while standing in front of the toilet.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Edna,
Sorry about blowing you off last night. But you weren't the only one who got blown off. Renaldo got blown off the tree fort by a mild gust of wind. So I had to take him to the hospital. Well, first we went to Waffle House to grab some pancakes, but apparently they don't serve those there. I ended up getting into an argument with the management which ended in a fistfight where I got plastered in syrup. Plus, I'm not allowed back--ever. Renaldo would have backed me up last night, but apparently he couldn't feel his legs. He's such a puss sometimes.
Anyways, after Waffle House we went to the hospital. But somehow we ended up at the strip club on Blanding Blvd. Solid Gold, I think. I could have sworn there used to be a hospital there. Well, luckily for Renaldo, some of the girls felt sorry for him and gave him a free lap dance.
And while we were at the club we ran into Mr. Fu, who told us to drop by his warehouse. So we did. And there are literally boxes twenty feet high full of fortune cookies there. He gave me a box to take home, which I made Renaldo carry all the way back to the car.
By the time the night was over I had just enough time to drop Renaldo off at the hospital (or rather push him out of the rolling car). When I got home, Grandmother wasn't too happy that I had been hanging out with floozies. I told her not to talk about those kind nurses at Solid Gold like that. I told her they probably saved Renaldo's life.
So what are you doing tomorrow night? We should meet up. I want to take you out to dinner. How's waffle House sound? Don't worry, I'll be incognito tomorrow (I'm dressing up like a giant pancake, and I picked out a syrup costume for you to wear).
give me a call and let me know what time is good for you to come pick me up. (we have to take your car. They'll recognize mine).
~Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Edna,
Sorry about blowing you off last night. But you weren't the only one who got blown off. Renaldo got blown off the tree fort by a mild gust of wind. So I had to take him to the hospital. Well, first we went to Waffle House to grab some pancakes, but apparently they don't serve those there. I ended up getting into an argument with the management which ended in a fistfight where I got plastered in syrup. Plus, I'm not allowed back--ever. Renaldo would have backed me up last night, but apparently he couldn't feel his legs. He's such a snatch sometimes.
Anyways, after Waffle House we went to the hospital. But somehow we ended up at the strip club on Blanding Blvd. Solid Gold, I think. I could have sworn there used to be a hospital there. Well, luckily for Renaldo, some of the girls felt sorry for him and gave him free lap dances. But me, being the good friend I am, accepted these dances for him. (I couldn't have them straddling my wounded friend).
And while we were at the club we ran into Mr. Fu, who told us to drop by his warehouse. So we did. And there are literally boxes twenty feet high full of fortune cookies there. He gave me a box to take home, which I made Renaldo carry all the way back to the car.
By the time the night was over I had just enough time to drop Renaldo off at the hospital (or rather push him out of the rolling car). When I got home, Grandmother wasn't too happy that I had been hanging out with floozies. I told her not to talk about those kind nurses at Solid Gold like that. I told her they probably saved Renaldo's life.
So what are you doing tomorrow night? We should meet up. I want to take you out to dinner. How's Waffle House sound? Don't worry, I'll be incognito tomorrow (I'm dressing up like a giant pancake, and I picked out a syrup costume for you to wear).
Give me a call and let me know what time is good for you to come pick me up. (We have to take your car. I fear they'll recognize mine).
~Jarod
Dear Edna,
Sorry about blowing you off last night. But you weren't the only one who got blown off. Renaldo got blown off the tree fort by a mild gust of wind. So I had to take him to the hospital. Well, first we went to Waffle House to grab some pancakes, but apparently they don't serve those there. I ended up getting into an argument with the management which ended in a fistfight where I got plastered in syrup. Plus, I'm not allowed back--ever. Renaldo would have backed me up last night, but apparently he couldn't feel his legs. He's such a snatch sometimes.
Anyways, after Waffle House we went to the hospital. But somehow we ended up at the strip club on Blanding Blvd. Solid Gold, I think. I could have sworn there used to be a hospital there. Well, luckily for Renaldo, some of the girls felt sorry for him and gave him free lap dances. But me, being the good friend I am, accepted these dances for him. (I couldn't have them straddling my wounded friend).
And while we were at the club we ran into Mr. Fu, who told us to drop by his warehouse. So we did. And there are literally boxes twenty feet high full of fortune cookies there. He gave me a box to take home, which I made Renaldo carry all the way back to the car.
By the time the night was over I had just enough time to drop Renaldo off at the hospital (or rather push him out of the rolling car). When I got home, Grandmother wasn't too happy that I had been hanging out with floozies. I told her not to talk about those kind nurses at Solid Gold like that. I told her they probably saved Renaldo's life.
So what are you doing tomorrow night? We should meet up. I want to take you out to dinner. How's Waffle House sound? Don't worry, I'll be incognito tomorrow (I'm dressing up like a giant pancake, and I picked out a syrup costume for you to wear).
Give me a call and let me know what time is good for you to come pick me up. (We have to take your car. I fear they'll recognize mine).
~Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
Love is like a bird that lets you soar higher than you've ever soared...until you get shot down of course.
-Jarod Kintz
I remember about a year ago my brother told me, "Listen, dude, I'm not your brother. We have different mothers and fathers. I don't know who the hell you are. You're just some guy who likes to show up at my work and give me hugs and yell, 'Hey, everyone! this is my brother, and I love him!'" hahaha he was such a kidder. I wonder what ever happened to him?
-Jarod Kintz
I want to get a tattoo on my left foot of a shoe. A white shoe, to match the wife beater tatoo I want to get on my torso.
-Jarod Kintz
The Spanish moss waved and whirled in the wind like a shredded flag of an impoverished nation. And in the trunk of this mighty and ancient oak from which it hung, someone had carved out the words, “For A Good Time call Amy. 904. 555. 0237. And while you’re on the phone, order a large pepperoni pizza to 1419 South point Rd. Thanks--Your Mother‘s Lover”
In front of the tree there’s a bench that’s swallowed by shade, where a man, Lyle, sits with eyes like a Krispy Kreme Doughnut: Heavily glazed over. He’s drinking some coffee out of a Dunkin Doughnuts coffee cup. But it’s half filled with Smirnoff vodka, or as he tries to justify it to himself, “half empty.” And he twists the cup in his hand as he chortles slightly to himself. “Half empty, isn’t half bad. 50% puts it right it in the middle, and in the middle makes it 100% normal, right?” His logic might have made some sort of sense if it were not 8:30 in the morning.
He reached into his pocket for some cigarettes. Marlboro. He takes one out and lets it dangle out of the corner of his mouth while fumbling around in his pocket for a lighter. He finally finds one and lights up. His sucks his first drag with the same voracity and eagerness as a hungry infant applies to a huge nipple. He cocks his head back to blow the smoke in the air when a naked man, wearing only bright yellow socks and holding an ipod, jogs past. “Morning, Lyle.”
“Morning, Harold. I see your investment package has shrunk since our last encounter. Must be a bearish reaction to the cold weather, huh?” Harold didn’t hear and was now about twenty feet past him.
Up until now he thought today was Wednesday. But now he realizes it’s Friday. Floppy Friday as he likes to call it. He knows that because every Friday Harold, the Investment broker, likes to keep his edge on the market by streaking through the park. Fortunately there aren’t many kids that frequent this park. Most of the people that walk here are older women with thin dogs and thick Boston accents. (The old women, not the dogs. The dogs all seem to have thick Jersey accents for some reason. )
Lyle checks his watch again. “Damn!” he mutters to himself. “Who the hell schedules an interview for 9:30 in the morning?”
He has an interview with a website that specializes in all things strange and humorous. Lyle is a former stand up comedian, so he figures he has a good chance. He walks towards his car pondering which tie he’ll wear to best make a good impression. He has two ties, and both have stains. One is a canary yellow tie with little red dots on it. There is also a ketchup stain near the center of it. The other is a cobalt blue tie with several dribbles of coffee from where he spit out his coffee after his first encounter with Harold.
As Lyle approaches his ‘98 Honda Accord, he notices a flyer on his windshield. It reads, “Tony’s Tire Repair. Because you never know when you’ll need a new tire.” He crumbles it up and walks around to open his door when he notices that somebody has slashed the front left tire. “I hope Tony is willing to slash his prices just as willingly,“ Lyle quips before turning around and walking towards the bus stop.
-Jarod Kintz
Most of the people that walk here are older women with thin dogs and thick Boston accents. (The old women, not the dogs. The dogs all seem to have thick Jersey accents for some reason. )
Lyle checks his watch again. “Damn!” he mutters to himself. “Who the hell schedules an interview for 9:30 in the morning? I haven‘t had to be somewhere this early in the entire two years since I graduated from college.”
He has an interview with a website that specializes in all things strange and humorous. Lyle is a former stand up comedian, so he figures he has a good chance. He walks towards his car pondering which tie he’ll wear to best make a good impression. He has two ties, and both have stains. One is a canary yellow tie with little red dots on it. There is also a ketchup stain near the center of it. The other is a cobalt blue tie with several dribbles of coffee from where he spit out his coffee after his first encounter with Harold.
As Lyle approaches his ‘98 Honda Accord, he notices a flyer on his windshield. It reads, “Tony’s Tire Repair. Because you never know when you’ll need a new tire.” He crumbles it up and walks around to open his door when he notices that somebody has slashed the front left tire. “I hope Tony is willing to slash his prices just as willingly,“ Lyle quips before turning around and walking towards the bus stop.
Lyle sits on the bus wearing his yellow tie and a blue shirt. He has pants too, of course, but they are as wrinkled as the old woman’s face who is chattering away next to him.
“I have a grandson your age…” the old woman is saying.
Lyle puts his face in his hands and starts massaging his temples slowly. He stretches his forehead and opens his eyes really wide as he stifles a yawn. “That is fascinating,” he interjects. “So tell me more about what life was like during the Industrial revolution.” He doesn’t wait for a response. He gets up and walks to a different seat.
He’s not usually this temperamental, but he’s been depressed ever since Tiffany, his ex, left and moved to California to pursue a modeling career over two weeks ago. She wanted him to move out there with her, but he was against the idea of living in California. Since then, his only female interaction had been with ancient women like the one who he was just sitting next to. Right about now California was starting to look really good to him.
Pulling out his MP3 player, he mumbles to himself, “If I get this job, I can write from anywhere in the world with an internet connection. And then I’ve got to go to the place that makes me happiest. And that place is wherever Tiffany is.” With that he takes off his tie, unbuttons the top collar of his shirt, and ruffles his brown hair a bit as the look in his eyes becomes sharp and focused with determination.
-Jarod Kintz
In school I used to absorb everything. I was like the sponge that I tape to my sweaty balls before my daily run, except for nobody ever put the squeeze to me.
-Jarod Kintz
I like up front women. And from behind too.
-Jarod Kintz
I handle myself well in tight situations, like wearing Spandex to a formal function.
I'm trying to sleep with half the girls in the city. Preferably the lower half.
If laughter's the best medicine, why don't they come out with jokes in the form of gel tablets? With a warning: Do not take the laugh pill if pregnant or about to become pregnant. Laughter is not for everyone, so ask your doctor if it's right for you. Side effects may include headaches, side splitting, and diarrhea. You'll quite possibly laugh so hard you'll shit your pants.
For the average man, brilliant illumination is even more confusing than complete darkness. At least in the darkness, they grope and stager through life. But bright ideas make the everyman very uncomfortable and those bursts of blindingly sharp thoughts are usually dealt with by shielding and diverting their eyes, as they wait for them to pass so they can resume life in the darkness.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend was a procrastinating dancer. She was very flexible with both her legs, as well as her time. I used to be able to spread her legs out as wide as a week, but only for a few days at a time. Of course this is why she was lete like every other month.
I hate when conversations get rudely interrupted by the other person's death. Especially when it's my turn to talk.
My ex business partner had a canyon of an idea once. But he didn't think before he jumped into it. You can still hear his splatter of failure on film o video clip for only ten dollars, available on mywebsite for download.
I can count on one hand the possibilities of expected turn out for any given business idea, provided that hand has exactly three fingers, and those three fingers aren't busy working themselves in and out of a financier's ass.
-Jarod Kintz
Igor Stravinsky was a flea standing on the back of the mountanous monkey named Mozart.
It's too late to forgive a thief and shake his hand after you've already severed it in punishment.
I handle myself well in tight situations, like showing up at a formal party wearing only Spandex.
I have enough courage to fill an entire army with empty stomachs.
I try to never remember anything I write. I don't want my mind cluttered with my old thoughts. I want it opened up to fresh new ones.
There are two sides to art: skill and creativity. Skill takes time, creativity takes a unique individual.
Creativity is like an ambilical cord: We're all born with it, and others will always try to cut yours off.
-Jarod Kintz
I often find myself in the strangest places, running around on my hands wearing my grandmother's wedding dress with no panties on underneath. To be sure, I do have other hobbies.
-Jarod Kintz
(Pic. of me wearing all black and a yellow strip running down my clothing. I'm laying in a parking space so that the stripe on my clothes matches up with the stripe of the space.): The New American Dream: Lying around waiting for Wal-Mart to pay me. No matter if they pay me or not, I'm still gonna be crushed.
-Jarod Kintz
Extinct: The nostalgia of ones ex girlfriend brought about by the odiferous stench of a bowel movement.
-Jarod Kintz
Trey, the Tree Hugger's on vacation. He's cammping in a giant redwood in California. He'll be back in a few months, unless his vacation, and the tree he's staying in gets cut short.
-Jarod Kintz
I met a guitar player who had more talent in his pinkies then nearly every pop star combined since 1969. Of course he had no fingers, so he didn't play very much.
Too much talent and money are wasted on the untalented here in America.
I once built a sand castle that caught on fire and turned to glass. Then a hurricane came and shattered the glass. So I took my kingdom of shards and made necklaces out of them and gave them to homeless people so they might be able to hold the dreams of my castle close to their hearts.
Then I spat on them and accosted those peasants and accused them of bringing on the hurricane that tore down my empire. Then I killed and burned them. And with their ashes I compressed them and made many tiny diamonds. These I made into new necklaces that I sold to raise enough money to build myself a real castle. Only this one is made out of stone.
In 2001 I had an idea for a piece of art. It would have been a wall sized abstract, and I would have worn a shirt and a pair of pants that exactly matched it. I would have then stood in front of it and took a picture. This would have been the final piece. It would symbolize the artist being inseperable from his art. But now I think my philosophy was wrong. An artist is never a part of his work, no matter how much the piece of art is a part of the artist.
-Jarod Kintz
It’s harder for women to climb the corporate ladder than women, because all their male bosses are under them trying to look up their skirts.
I once went to a conference on sleep that was so boring everyone was wide awake. That’s because I was sleeping with the instructor. Actually, I was just dreaming about doing that.
Great abstract art comes from within, much like urine does, as the artist splatters their emotions on the canvas.
Even the most perfect pair of breasts can not steal the attention during a conversation like talking to a man with a unibrow.
-Jarod Kintz
Helen got arrested for fingering a cop. Now she's a convicted Keller.
Sometimes, when I am singing and I try to hit the high notes, I accidentally squirt out a lot of pee. That's why I only sing in other people's showers.
I've got my head so far up my bosses ass that he's got a unibrow on his pubic region (I've seen the photos).
-Jarod Kintz
There's only one thing that I really don't like to carry on an airplane: conversations with random passengers.
I know a streaker, whom I call Ying Yang. His face looks like a penis, and his penis looks like a face. Also, he streaks through places while running on his hands as his genitals smile and pose for the camera phones.
I never vote based on polls because they are quite irrelevant, since I live so close to the equator.
Many criminals today get abbreviated sentences, based not on good behavior, but rather their limited vocabulary and preference for monosyllabic words.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm as innocent as Charlie Chaplan was silent.
I had a professor who always used to say, "You've got to go directly to the source." He was right you know. And ever sice him I've been dipping my cookies into cows. PLus, a person might tip over their glass of milk, but it's a lot harder to tip over a cow. And you can fit in multiple cookies at a time.
Some of the most interesting writers I know are characters from my imagination.
If girlfriends were flowers, my grandpa, even from his grave, would still have over twelve of them.
I once met a man who couldn't think outside of the box. So one day, while he was thinking, I taped the box shut and mailed him to Boston. UPS reported the box as missing, so I guess he's still lost in thought.
-Jarod Kintz
So I'm growing my hair out. I figure by midterms my hair should be long enough to cut a mullet. I've been saying this since 2000, but the mullet is coming back baby! 2006 is the year of the mullet, and I'm gonna grow myself a fierce one!
I have also started taking hair suppliments. I am also working on growing a unibrow. Unibrows are great conversation starters. Lets face it, who doesn't want to innitiate conversation with a man with a mullet and a unibrow?
I also want to mention that I also plan on switching out my wardrobe entirely to Spandex. You might laugh, but that's only because you guys don't posess my keen fashion forsight. Trust me, I'm ahead of the curve on this one. Between Spandex and bowling shoes, coupled with tinfoil wrapped around my torso, I plan on tearing up Gainesville this fall. Nobody will be able to resist my sex appeal. Especially with the sun glistening off the foil and resonating on my softly illuminated mullet. That's hot, and you know it.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Ruprecht,
Yesterday I found myself crying as I was looking at your girlfriend's pictures. I think I might have blown my nose in her panties. Or was it her brassiere? You do know they sell photo albums, right? She doesn't have to keep her pictures stashed under her underoos. Boy, you two are really kinky, huh? She had you all dressed up as an elf with green ass-less pants on. That one touched me deeply. 9Or was that her binary anal defribulator that did that?) Well, just thought I'd send you a quick shout and let you know I liked what I saw. (Who knew she was so flexible? I guess only having one leg helps out, too.) Take care my refrigerated friend.
~Jarod
If my ex girlfriend was an egg, I probably would have beaten her until her brain was scrambled. Then I'd have dumped pepper in her hair and sneezed all over her face.
I once dated two Gretchens back to back. The first one was bad enough, but by the end of the second one I started calling her reGretchen.
My ex girlfriend was as heavy as Chinese soup. She must have weighed Wanton.
Unibrow: That holy union, the sacred coming together of two eye brows. Let it be knownst that God almighty made gel for which to style a sturdy unibrow, but Lucifer himself didst create tweezers to uproot and scatter the hairs of God's chosen brows.
she was so fat I could have jogged 26.2 miles in her underoos and still only covered half the waste band.
He was as soft as a mattress, and just as easy to fuck over.
-Jarod Kintz
If genius were wings, Allen Ginsberg would have been a flying squirrel.
If talent was a relationship, some people would never run out.
-Jarod Kintz
For all our backwards thinking, man has made remarkable progress forward.
Being involved in sports is a way to unite the mind and body. So logically, without sports, our brains would all be flopping on the ground. Some even rolling in the gutter. It's not wonder everyone in America is fat and possesses a filthy mind.
Some people are addicted to sex. Others huff glue. Still others steal to satisfy their addiction and then they huff their stash of panties. I'm a recovering pantyholic.
My grandpa, my father, and myself all have "O" as our middle initial. If I have a son, he'll also get the "O" as his middle initial. His full name will be Spaghetti O Kintz. sure it may seem canned, but I think he'll really eat it up.
During hurricane season, the skies in Florida can get pretty threatening. I remember one stormy afternoon, one of the clouds called me a bitch, and then started hurling insults in the form of lightning at me. So I did what I always do--hid under Mother's bed. I can still hear that thunderous, mocking laugh when I think about it.
I got into an argument with a monkey over toilet paper. I hurled intellectual insults at him, and he hurled insults in the form of poop at me. He did make a good point though.
America has more lawyers than any country in the world. I guess this also means that America should have more great jokes than any country in the world.
I'll only go hunting in Africa if there are at least two other people with me. and I have to be faster than the strongest, and stronger than the fastest.
Steve Allen was as funny as a donkey, only without any surprising kicks.
Like a brain on a plate that's resting on the seat of a unicycle that's rolling on a tight rope, he was mentally unbalanced.
I love semi intelligent people, because I know next to nothing about trucks.
I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.
I went to the club with a soldier in the Army once. I wore a Polo shirt and jeans. He wore neon lights. Once we got into the club he disappeared. Club camouflage I guess.
I saw Pinocchio in the park the other day. He was walking something that had four legs and was made of wood. I think he was walking a chair. Only he wasn't really walking, he was kind of just sitting there. Or it could have also just been an old man sitting on a park bench, feeding flecks of skin that he kept tearing off his elbow and feeding to the hungry squirrels.
Out of principal I never bite my nails because they can't bite back.
It must be cool to have the largest collection of people from trailer parks all gathered under one roof. One day maybe I too can be the owner of a Wal-Mart.
I drink lots of water in the winter time. That way, nobody knows it when they are eating my "yellow snow".
I once got into an argument with a pine tree. I got so mad that I threw a pine cone at it. The pine tree then dumped a bucket of frozen semen on me. We are no longer friends.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I like watching baseball on mute while wearing a blindfold. It's more entertaining that way.
Time is not a visible object, it's a concept. So why call a timepiece a watch? Since the timepiece clings to the wrist, and time is a concept, why not call it a grasp?
Heroes aren't born heroes. I've never heard of a newborn baby coming out wearing Spandex and a cape. No, heroes are made. Probably in Taiwan.
I think I'm allergic to Elvis. Every time I hear him my feet break out and my hips start convulsing and gyrating as my upper lip twitches uncontrollably.
I once saw a jukebox that said, "Live Music." And it had a window. And sure enough, inside that jukebox was a pack of midgets taking requests. They sure did a hell of a U2 cover.
No matter how hard I try, there are not enough hours in the day to fit a whole weekend.
I got a girl pregnant once. She said she needed child support, so I bought the kid some crutches.
A man is like a piece of bread that's spread with crunchy peanut butter, and a woman is like a piece that's spread with smooth jelly. And marriage is the coming together of the crunchy man and the smooth woman to form a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the couple's first home being rather modest, roughly the size of a lunch box.
-Jarod Kintz
If I knew I was about to die and I could have one last meal, I'd eat my left leg. Then I'd try to run from death.
-Jarod Kintz
I enjoy spending my free time the same way an enslaved man would: day dreaming.
I think a good name for a baseball team would be the diarrheas, because they're bound to get lots of good runs.
Telling horror stories around the dinner table always gave me goose bumps. and I'm allergic to geese, so I'd always break out in a rash and start frantically scratching my genitals with the serving fork.
The only way I know how to keep a secret is in a Tupperware container. I have lots of secrets about dismembered people buried in the freezer. The best secrets are frozen secrets.
I can see my book going a long way towards helping humanity. Maybe even as far as Bangladesh.
Real friends buy real books. Fake friends buy fake flowers. Neither one needs water.
My ex girlfriend, she was so fake, I bought her some fake flowers and some pseudo science books and she never even said thanks. Freaking womannequins.
My book is virtually guaranteed to heal all wounds, just so long as it is used in conjunction with Neosporin.
A real friend would have my book on them at all times, while a fake friend would have on pants instead.
My book goes great in the bathroom. ever man needs a hearty laugh in there, one that's not caused by gawking at ones own genitals in the mirror.
-Jarod Kintz
A real friend would always have my book on them, while a fake friend would have underwear on.
-Jarod Kintz
Friends may provide a lifetime full of laughter, but they'll never quote give you the same satisfying feeling as standing in the pasture and vomiting up grass into a bowl and then eating it with a garden shovel. That's the kind of thing you start to enjoy when all your friends are bovine.
I wish friends didn't come in all shapes and sizes because then they could all fit in one size box. Then, when I wrap one friend up to give to another friend as a Christmas present, that friend couldn't tell who it was based on the size of the box.
Moving is tough. Leaving a friend behind is hard to deal with, especially when you get to where you are going and you realize that you had room enough in your trunk for one more box, and now poor Renaldo's stuck in a box in the attic of your old residence.
If a man ever resorts to arguing with his fists, he's already lost. No man should ever engage in debate with a group of knuckles, it's just too crazy.
During an argument, it's better to raise your eyebrow than your voice. But if blinking were screaming, my eyes would be scratchy after many ludicrous debates.
After seeing a stunningly beautiful woman walk by at a party, an astonished guy gouged both of his eyes out saying, "That was the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen. I have no need to ever look at anything else, as I want that to be my last lingering image."
"That's too bad," replied his friend, "because she just started taking off all her clothes."
-Jarod Kintz
Even if Grandfather did have eyes in the back of his head, I still wouldn't be any more comfortable with him driving in reverse on the interstate.
I don't understand how people can't see Jesus as God. How else could he have gotten the whole world to know his name before mass communication was even invented if he wasn't divine?
A judge is a man who, using a mallet, takes the law into his own hands.
I went to a conference on brevity, but it was cut short.
I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.
I'm betting against myself. Even if I lose, I win.
-Jarod Kintz
Musically I'm a perfectionist. I bought a flute just to seal up the holes. Now I use it as a baton.
I bought a dog whistle just so I could whistle at all the pretty women I see and them not know it. Only the real bitches turn around and glare at me.
-Jarod Kintz
If I see fresh gum on the sidewalk, I always take the time to step on it, because my shoes suffer from halitosis.
While I do enjoy playing the field, I never eat the turf.
-Jarod Kintz
I’m big in Japan (I’m well over seven feet tall, according to most midget estimations).
-Jarod Kintz
Did I mention that I play a mean air guitar? It's true. I'm like Clapton in the air.
-Jarod Kintz
A perfect ass is like two half circles, like the smiles on smiley faces, and it akes a man grin jsut as big too once he sees one.
I once saw an advertisement for a butterfly photo competition. So I went home and put on my purple Spandex body suit, put a Fuschia Speedo on over that, and then clipped on my matching Fuschia butterfly wings. Then I posed in the branches of a tree while Mr. Boo snapped away pictures with the speed of the setting sun. Come to think of it, I never heard back from the competition. We thought surely that our pics would at least be among the finalists.
I couldn't untie the knot to remove my shoe once, so I severed my foot off at the ankle. And ever since that day, my world view has been slightly slanted.
What is an Ars Poetica? Is it a streaming consciencness of poetry as described by many poets? Is it art for arts sake as Oscar wilde might have interjected like a bull on Red Bull energetically charging through the poetic palace of history, yet he was best known as a playright, not a poet-- but does it even matter? He was among the greatest thinkers of his generation and thus he could stand against any generation like a generator in the winds of a hurricane that provides light and power the dark and stormy world. Yes, I think yes, Ars Poetica is about streaming like a river of thought that flows from mind to finger and from finger to screen and without delay like the connection of my internet, not without the help of servers--much like the great servers in history, men who have led the way intellectually so that we might be able to stand on their backs--unless we are wearing cleats, then we might stand lonely in a field kicking a soccer ball of ideas around with out skinny, pen-like legs.
What is an Ars Poetica? Is it a streaming
Consciousness of poetry used for describing meaning
By many poets? Is it art for arts sake
As Oscar Wilde might have staked
And interjected like a bull on Red Bull
Energetically charging—speed on full—
Through the poetic palace of history?
Yet Wilde was best known for his stories,
As a playwright, not a poet-- but does it even matter?
He was a dish on the platter
Of greatest thinkers of his generation
And thus he could stand venerated
Against any generation like a generator
In the winds of a hurricane that accelerates
And provides light and powers the dark
And stormy world. Yes, I think yes, Ars
Poetica is about streaming like a river
Of thought that flows from mind to finger
And from finger to screen and without delay
Like the connection of my internet, Frayed
Not, smooth cable wire aided with the help of servers—
Much like the great servers in history, men who, unswervingly,
Have led the way intellectually so that we
Might be able to stand on their backs--unless we
Are wearing cleats, then we might stand
Lonely in a field kicking a soccer ball of grand
Ideas around with out skinny, pen-like legs,
Laying ideas and hatching poetic eggs.
-Jarod Kintz
Men's Bathroom Attendent: It's not a fecal fad, it's a movement...a bowel movement.
I think that one of the most frustrating things imaginable, to me anyway, is if God came down to me in the form of a burning bush in a wheel barrow and told me that to reach heaven I would need to catch him as he rolled away at exactly half the speed that I would run. Upon catching him I would need to kneel down and kiss his feet (which would take the form of roots in this case). But the paradox is that the flame is so hot that if I came too close I would instantly combust and perish. So in that scenario I would not get to heaven, but I would ask that if on my journey to hell I could be taken in the same wheel barrow that God was in, and I would kiss the dirt in the wheel barrow and hope that a little bit of God was left in there so that I might be spared and get into heaven.
-Jarod Kintz
I am no bigger than a bug crossing the road. A filthy road. I am no bigger than a Volkswagen crossing the road. A lonely road. I am no bigger than a Beetle crossing the road. Abbey road.
Some girls like to flash for the cameras, and sometimes the cameras like to flash for the girls.
Ten books stacked like ten bricks with chewing gum acting as mortar holding them upright. Ten books telling ten stories that ten microphones couldn't pick up. Ten books like ten weights that no foolish strong man could pick up on. Ten books like ten body guards giving you comfort when you feel picked on. Ten books like ten boogers, carelessly tossed aside after being delicately picked out.
-Jarod Kintz
A post on my Randomness Group: abooooodWrote:
The Affiliate Bank - Cash In 15 Mins How You Can Create An Additional Income And Easily Make An Extra $100,$400 or Even $1,000 Per Day, Using A Completely Hands Free Automated System That Rakes In Cash Hand Over Fist..
My response: This is true! I just made over $1,000 dollars without using my hands. I made money with my feet! I just knitted (using only my feet) socks made out of $100 dollar bills! These look terrific with my new green flip flops (also purchased using this miracle money system).
-Jarod Kintz
Someone posted a topic saying that there is a free giveaway of Gucci handbags. This is my response:
This is true! I just got a new Gucci handbag, without even using my hands (I ordered with my feet). I was told that I could also carry it with my feet since much of what I do now involves not using my hands. I even masturbate with my feet now, and I do it all while making piles of money. Ahh, life is good. Money, masturbation, and FREE Gucci handbags to drag along with my feet.
-Jarod Kintz
To me, reality and fantasy are nothing more than two sides of the same coin. And that coin would happen to be a wooden nickel that is being eaten by a giant communist termite who has a phobia of Thomas Jefferson, democratic dialogue, and surprisingly, wood. But the reality is that we all have to swallow our fear sometimes, even if our fears are a fantasy.
To me, reality and fantasy are like Siamese twins--they are separated in thought, but in reality they are one and the same.
A man who mocks Judaism should fear for his career. A man who mocks Islam should fear for his life. And a man who mocks Christianity should fear for his soul.
I would like to meet new people, but almost all new people have a problem controlling their bladders and they cry too much.
What's up with friends who are always there when you need them? I don't need them there, I need them here with me, where the problem is.
I like traveling. I'd like to travel to a star that's a light year away, but I only get two weeks vacation time. That's the problem with space travel, it takes up too much time. I wonder if the inverse is true of time travel? Is the reason we can't travel through time because it takes up too much space?
If I could turn back time, to the night of my conception, and kill my father, would that be a double murder, or just a murder and a suicide?
-Jarod Kintz
Jed and Bobby ray were driving in a truck that was so clunky and rusty it looked like a stove top oven from the 19th century. And they were as plump, pasty and soft as a couple of biscuits. And then the writer, me, lost interest in the story, as well as having to leave, so the story is brought to an abrupt
-Jarod Kintz
I know a gay man who is really fruity. But he's got a passion, a passion for fruit. Passion fruit to be more presice. So essentially I know a fruit who's passionate about passionate fruit. How sweet is that?
-Jarod Kintz
I'm sure glad everyone is getting along now. Let's all meander on over and grab a free handbag for our feet. Did I mention that to accompany my new handbag that I wear on my feet, I'm learning to walk on my hands? It's true! And I am learnign how to do it at the same time that I am making piles of cash with my feet. It never gets old to me, talking about making money with my feet as I type this with my toes. Damn big toe keeps hitting two keys at once and then I have to backspace with my pinky toe, which is sore from getting it caught in the door of my car as I was opening it.
-Jarod Kintz
Hey, congrats on being the number 1 mom! That's fantastic. My mom was number 57 on this years list. That's up two places from last year. She beat out that old hag Mrs. Worthington, who incidentally was trying to enter the competition in two categories: world's greatest mother, and world's greatest grandmother. Well, needless to say she got what she deserved by losing some ground this year. Were you at the annual banquet this year? I was suposed to present the award for this years "Mother of the year," but I got disqualified by some lewd comments I made about some of the sexy mothers on the list. Go figure.
-Jarod Kintz
The truth is like shit--sometimes it just has to come out. And why the truth always has to come out while I'm stuck in traffic I'll never know.
A Coke with no coke still has caffeine, but a coffee with no caffeine still has a bitter taste.
The only way I'd marry a widow is if God let me remarry her.
Channel surfing without a remote is like a woman masturbating without using any external devices.
I'd only drink coffee to give my teeth a tan, but I'd also be willing to grow out a mustache and dye it white just to make my teeth appear browner. Plus, my knees caps are balding.
Robert Olen Butler did to me what the Veterinarian had to do to my cat Baby Spartacus--put her to sleep.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish I had gloves made of bubble gum that I could wear all the time so that I wouldn’t be asked to run my fingers through my girlfriend’s hair.
I love flipping through the pages of great books for the same reason some women flip their hair: it nourishes my vanity.
Dear Edmond,
I’d like to apologize for the inconvenient situation that arose between you and your girlfriend when you two were making love and Renaldo busted out of your hamper and started throwing dirty underwear at you. That was entirely my fault. I have no idea how he broke through all the duct tape.
And as to your question of how he got in your hamper in the first place, well that was another communicative misunderstanding on my part. When you told me that he was going on vacation in the Hampton’s, I thought you said he was going to the hamper. And since you are the only roommate who doesn’t throw their dirty clothes in the sink (although in Ruprecht’s case it’s ok since all his clothes are rags anyway), I went ahead and stuffed Renaldo in your hamper.
Again, sorry for the dilemma. I’ll try not to be the Shakespeare of the house and not start all the drama anymore.
~Jarod
This morning I walked into an elevator to find a blind, one-fingered man shouting and pointing his finger at an armless man who only had one eye. (I think he was wearing a monocle, too.) They were arguing about how best to get to their respective floors.
Fortunately for them, I was wearing my cheerleading outfit, and had my boom box, so I broke into my "Teamwork” cheer. Shortly after, motivated by my movements and style, the Cyclops was able to direct the blind man’s finger to where the buttons for all our floors were, while I continued to gyrate and shake my palm palms in encouragement. It really was a beautiful thing.
-Jarod Kintz
This morning I walked into an elevator to find a blind, one-fingered man shouting and pointing his finger at an armless man who only had one eye. (I think he was wearing a monocle, too.) They were arguing about how best to get to their respective floors.
Fortunately for them, I was wearing my cheerleading outfit, and had my boom box, so I broke into my "Teamwork" cheer. Shortly after, motivated by my movements and style, the Cyclops was able to direct the blind man's finger as to where the buttons for all our floors were, while I continued to gyrate my pelvis and shake my palm palms in encouragement. It really was a beautiful thing.
-Jarod Kintz
In honor of the Great Friedrick Nietszche, I've decided to honor his genius and grow a memorial mustache in the same manner as he wore his. I've been growing it now for a few weeks, and I keep it in a jar in my basement. I take it out every night and pet and stoke it as I ponder metaphysical things, such as the true nature of mustaches. So it's basically the world's first metaphysical mustache, or metastache as I like to call it.
-Jarod Kintz
This morning I walked into an elevator to find a blind, one-fingered man shouting and pointing his finger at an armless man who only had one eye. (I think he was wearing a monocle, too.) They were arguing about how to best get to their respective floors.
Fortunately for them, I was wearing my cheerleading outfit, and had my boom box, so I broke into my "Teamwork" cheer. Shortly after, motivated by my movements and style, the Cyclops was able to direct the blind man's finger as to where all the buttons to all our floors were, while I continued to gyrate my pelvis and shake my palm palms in encouragement. It really was a beautiful thing.
-Jarod Kintz
A journey on an elevator is the quickest way to transcend and ascend into the great above without taking a single step upwards or vertically asserting yourself.
-Jarod Kintz
I wrote you a love note on the back of a napkin. Please don't wipe your ass with it.
My dreams are shards of glass that I shared with you, but you stepped all over them. Then you tracked your bloody feet all over the white carpet of my conscience.
I have such fond memories of the time we spent together. I was so in love with you. But as soon as those elevator doors opened, you walked out of my life forever. Was it because I farted?
If you flick me off, I'll flick a booger at your forehead.
Being in a relationship is like being a contrarian book: sometimes you get burned, but sometimes you get opened up and really get to have an impact on someone's life.
I'm vehemently against burning books. Go directly to the source. Burn the authors!
I'm violently against conflict. I'm also opposed to contradiction.
-Jarod Kintz
I am the concrete that crumbles at your feet, and you are the vine that clings to the bricks of my being, that holds me up when the mortar of my life has all but decayed.
If they made a remote control that doubled as a dildo, I don't think I'd ever get off my ass to change the channel.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Jarod,
I’m writing to invite you (me) to my (your) party this coming weekend. I know that you want to know why I am emailing you. Do I always email myself? you ask. Well, I won’t answer that since I know you already know the answer to that. Well, I hope to see you there.
~Jarod
P.S. You don’t need to send me an affirmative response since I’ll instinctively know whether or not you’ll be coming.
Dear Jarod,
Thanks for the invite! That was very courteous of you, taking time out of my busy schedule to write me and tell me about something you knew I already knew about. Aside from the fact that I knew I’d have a new message in my inbox, it really didn’t surprise me to see that you had written to me. I’ve come to expect that of myself. And you never seem to let me down. I wish I could also say that I never let you down, but after that message from you in my inbox, I’m just not so sure.
Listen, don’t take this the wrong way, but I really don’t think you should write to me anymore.
Thanks,
Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend yelled at me for eating all the dog food. And she got even angrier for some reason when I explained that I thought it was just the leftovers from the night before.
-Jarod Kintz
Tell your mother that I stired the Kool Aid with an erection inspired by you.
-Jarod Kintz
It’s harder for women to climb the corporate ladder than men, because all their male bosses are under them trying to look up their skirts.
-Jarod Kintz
A sunset for you could be a sunrise for me, depending on my position in the world, or how I choose to see things.
-Jarod Kintz
I can't write right now, I'm having a brainfreeze. I think I'll step out of the refrigerator, it's cramping my style.
-Jarod Kintz
Life's a lot funnier when you don't care what people think!
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