I read comics while going to the bathroom. I was reading yours the other day and lets just say due to the amount of laughing the end result was not pretty. It involved a mass amount of stitches and two weeks in bed-on my stomach. These comics are hilarious!
I love reading comics while making a poo. then, if the comic is bad, I wipe myself with it. Then I give it to my little brother to read. -Maurice McFeces
There was once a giant flower that was an amazing basketball player. He played so much that he got dehydrated and died. His name was Wilt. -Jarod Kintz
Is it better to help someone who can't help themselves, or someone who has the ability to help others? I don't know. But both are preferable to someone who helps themselves to whatever they want. -Jarod Kintz
If time really were a river, I wish it were the Nile, because it would flow north, as opposed to south. I guess then we would be born old and then regress to infants before viciously being eaten by crocodiles. -Jarod Kintz
The governments pockets are deeper tan their knowlege of economics. Unfortunately, those are the people's pockets. That's why I don't wear any pants. -Jarod Kintz
Life is too funny for God not to exist. Who else would laugh at me smashing my penis with a hammer after thinking about nailing my neighbors wife? -Jarod Kintz
There is a man called Thomas Gaint, who paints pictures with blood on canvases made of human flesh. His pictures tell of suffering, mostly from the making of the canvases. But, no paint, no Gaint. -Jarod Kintz
i lay in the sun to give myself an even tan. (and i brazilian wax) after tai bo class i like to compare my ass with others. my biggest pet peeve is having the whitest ass in the shower.
RoRoUrBoat, I am in the market to buy an albino donkey. Can you recommend an honest used donkey dealer? Mike Ramos loves riding donkeys. I'll let him know you want to let him ride that donkey. Yours Truly, Jarod Kintz
My donkey's name is Peanuts, and he's 118 years old. He's not very fun to ride, but if Mike would like to ride my donkey, I wouldn't say no! As for an albino donkey dealer, my roommates dad sells lemons, I've heard donkeys love lemons.
RoRoUrBoat, Mike and I love to swing, but not in the Arizona heat. You'll have to come to Florida to get wet. I'd love to squeeze your lemons, and Mike likes it juicy. Yours, Jarod Kintz
Don't lie. You know that you are a fan of squeezing bananas. I have seen you sneaking around the monkey cages of the zoo you were kicked out of last year.
I'll hitch up Peanuts to the carriage and be on my way. What are you doing in about two weeks? With an albino donkey you should be able to see me comein, that and miner hat that my donkey wears.
RORoUrBoat, I'm coming to meet you. I'll skip classes. I'm bringing my friend Zeno. We'll meet you halfway. If you'r bringing the Peanuts, I'll bring the Coke. Until We Meet, Jarod Kintz
I'm not anti-banana, I just get tired of carrying them around in my pockets. But when you hang out in a zoo, you kind of half to. Peaches are fine. They make me feel fuzzy and warm inside. -Jarod Kintz
I have reached Texas in my journey to meet you. I shot an elephant in my pajamas this morning. I tried to remove his tusks, they were in pretty tight. Too bad it wasn't an Alabamian elephant, their tusks are loser. Can't wait to meat you,
RoRoUrBoat, The Ukraine gets cold this time of year. A man with two arms is not as good as a man with fifty. But they have to be powerful. I don't like to arm wrestle, but Yuri does. Unfortunately, your boat might sink if you do not paddle faster. Remember our date, I don't like to be stood up when I am standing on my arms. My wallet is thin, just like my patience. Only the Viktor can survive a no show. Look to the billboards to see the sign. The man with fifty arms always points in the right direction. Don't wear a watch, no man shall know the hour of his death, as it is written in the contract with the big boss. But if you show up on time, you will meet the man who fishes with blood at another time. Bring a suitcase, and pack wisely, and don't forget my socks. As a shark smells blood, so I smell deceit. And nobody brings me dirty socks. -Jarod Kintz
George, you still don't trust me? Your father and I go way back, I am fully aware of his methods of motivation. I am just a butler, and your socks will always be clean. But I only have two hands, it is you who give me the strong arms for which to defend myself. For that I am eternally grateful. Was the albino donkey as good as I promised? Tell Ivan if he wants to make some instant coffee, he knows how to get in touch with me. The man with the umbrella is always open to suggestions. I roll with the punches like a boxer on a tricycle. The ring is not yet been broken, and the ref has been bought. Vlad wants in on the action, but I told him to ask you. Like a chewed rope, he's a-frayed. Tomorrow you should have my answer yesterday. I'll call you tonight. take it easy on Vlad, he means well. -Jarod Kintz
What does it mean to be in love? I think it is like falling into a tank of oil, surrounded by darkness, with only a match to light the way. When it strikes, it is all consuming. -Jarod Kintz
When I said that being in love was like falling into oil, I was speaking hypothetically. I don't know many people that have been there before. Except John and Patty Goosefur, who after fifty years of marriage, burned to death while their son gave commentary as he filmed it. -Jarod Kintz
Being in love is like standing in the middle of a carwash. In the begginning you feel so warm, wet and steamy but before you know it you are getting hit from every side as if everything you had grown accustomed to suddenly was being stripped from your vulnerable body. Then, in the end, the inevitable happens, you get burned by hot wax.
There are many religions out there with many similarities. I want to find all the similarities and then start a new one based on differences. For example, I don't think there is a religion out there that prohibits the use of pants, or the use of raw fishes as profylactics. Well, there needs to be. Because Fish and sex makes love really stink. -Jarod Kintz
I want to go door-to-door selling doors. But not just any door, a new anti-door-to-door salesman door. The doorbell, once pushed, distributes electromagnetic shock to the pusher. -Jarod Kintz
I like to find the good in any situation, and I'll pull out every dressor drawer and slash every sofa cushion in your home to find it. Even if you are having sex on the couch at the time. -Jarod Kintz
You know how they have dog whistles that only dogs can hear? I want to make a madman megaphone that projects jokes only the insane find funny. -Jarod Kintz
Journalists don't have sex in the missionary position, or doggystyle. They don't even like horse and carriage or the frog. They prefer the inverted pyramid. -Jarod Kintz
A man hasn't exhausted all his options until he's taken his own life. And, judging by the way of life of most Americans, this is the best possible course for many individuals. -Jarod Kintz
Dear Rinaldo, I had a wonderful time with you last night. However, I did find it a little rude that you sneezed on my cat and then proceeded to blow your nose in her fur. Don't you know that's what my sleeve is for? Anyways, I did have fun donning a helmet and riding on your back as we rode headlong into the wind on your beautiful blue unicycle. Yours Truly. Jarod Kintz
The guy who wakes up next to you every morning has got to be the luckiest man in the world. And the guy who wakes up next to him would have to be the second luckiest man. -Jarod Kintz
Everything is better in blue. Most importantly, sex is better in blue. If you see sex on TV, it's 1/3 blue sex, based on the fact that TVs are made up of three colors: red, green, and blue. So sex on TV is only a third as great as it could be, I feel, and could be much better if only it were all in blue. And what they say is true: once you go blue, you never go green or red. -Jarod Kintz
Flipper might have said: You can find me lounging around in the water here in beautiful, sunny Florida. Did you know dolphins, like people, have sex for fun? And if you've ever seen me swim, you know I can work my hips. Come take a dip with me. It'll be the ride of your life. -Jarod Kintz
Flipper might have said: All those water traffic police. Those living speed bumps who give their lives enforcing boating speed limits. Assuming we both had hands, I'd like to give every manatee a firm handshake. -Jarod Kintz
The Keebler elf might have said: I make cookies and I make love, and I'm great at both. I'm a chef and a sex god. Chocolate and sex, I provide women with what they want. And I'll provide it all night long, if that's what you desire. Indulge your fantasies. I know I do.
I wish my love was all the water in the oceans. I'd have enough love for everyone, except all those who tried to drink up and subsist on my salty love, because the more they'd drink, the thirstier they'd become. And for those people, I'd laugh at their death, because I have no love for stupid people.
I'm a socialist of sorts, an odd kind of socialist. I wish we could evenly distribute the wealth in America. Every other person would get money, and every odd person would get none.
Never trust a man you can't fit in your pocket. Either avoid fat men, or get deeper, wider pockets.
For my birthday last year, I came home to find 16 monkeys in my living room. Apparently my friends misheard me when I told them I wanted piles and piles of money for my birthday. Oh I got piles and piles of something all right, and I spent nearly an hour cleaning up my carpets and walls.
Death waits on no man, and neither do I. But I'll sure wait on a beautiful woman.
Life can be considered a negotiating process. And death is the closing of the deal. But dying is the worst kind of business deal because death is impatient. Death waits for no man, yet man is expected to wait his whole life for death. Who needs that kind of business transaction? That's why I think suicide is the ultimate entrepreneurial act. You decide when, where, and how you want to die. Unfortunately though, I don't think suicide pays off as much in the long run.
He was an interesting man. He was wise for an Italian. He was a lasagna of light, with layers of illumination. And I felt enlightened just eating him.
People forget that there are two parts to art: skill and inspiration. Skill is just that, it's the ability to carry out your concept. Fortunately, if you don't possess the skill, you can get it with lots of time and hard work. Inspiration, on the other foot, is the talent, genius and conceptuality of art. It is what drives the truly great art. You either have it or you don't. And if you don't, you can't simply put in the time to get it. Ideas are the most important aspect to art. Skill is just the beast of burden, the manual laborer, which actually makes the piece. But there would be no piece if there were no grand idea, no architect. There would be no concept for which to start working towards. And art with no concept is no art. No matter how skilled, it's just not art. Scribbling on a canvas is not art. One might even argue that it lacks skill.
I met a man who was afraid of crops. He also had a phobia of a certain shape, circles to be exact. But I didn't understand him, he was completely alien to me.
I don't fish, but my old boss was a fisherman. One day, after hearing one of his big fish tales, I called him out about it. He got offended and said that he was Scottish, and the Scots were famous for not exaggerating. (insert pic. of Loch Ness monster)
I used to want a gold Rolex the size of Texas, but then I realized it wouldn't be big enough for me. Because I want all the time in the world, I'd need a watch with exactly the same dimensions as the earth. And if you've ever seen my skinny wrists, you'd know there's no way my wrists could accommodate such a time piece.
I try to keep a perspective on life by always being thankful I procrastinated yesterday, and remembering that tomorrow may never come. That leaves today for me to leave it all until the day after tomorrow, which, hopefully, will get rescheduled until next Tuesday, the first day of my weekend. -Jarod Kintz
Abe Lincoln might have said, My top hat was large enough to pull a rabbit out if it. But the only thing I pulled with that hat were high class whores. God I loved that hat. -Jarod Kintz
The quickest way to make money is, has, and will always involve vices, e.g. gambling, guns, prostitution and drugs. If Mexico does make it legal to sell drugs there, it will drastically change the dynamic of the country. First off, these street thugs that push drugs will still remain street vendors. Their status won't change. What will change is who runs the drugs. It will be like Vegas in the 60s. It will change from Mafia to Corporate America. Big money will come in and take over and reap all the benefits. It will become a huge tourist destination, but many Mexicans will be pissed because they will be exploited and passed over with the big profits just like thy are here. They will become our beasts of burden, only they won't have to hop the border to do it. Instead of pushing lawn mowers they will be pushing our drugs. I am neither for nor against it, it's not my home. If they do pass it, they can expect a lot of change, I just hope they know what kind of players will show up with open checkbooks to buy in to the business. -Jarod Kintz
Every day before work, my stomach was tied in knots. Hitting the streets all day long was what I did. I didn't make myself a white running shoe with green laces and trim, I was just made like that. I was a street runner, a true hustler. I didn't want to be dirty, I just was. One day, while I was bitch slapping the pavement, and pounding my product, someone asked me if I lace my green. I told that Busta, "Bitch, you know I lace dat shit." Soon after I got all tripped up and shit. All of the sudden I had mothafuckas knockin' at my box. I got evicted from my closet and kicked to the curb. I aint never stepped out of line, and I always be holdin' my tongue back. I may be a used shoe, but I aint never been used like that before. I had a damn good life, too. Even though I aint no Mormon, I had seven cotton wives, one for each day of the week. All were white and filthy, just like me. I aint seen my brotha neither, not since we used to run these streets. And we did. We ran these streets. But now I know who really run these streets. The Man run these muthafuckin' streets.
A Saga of Scandal By Bruce The Butler
His socks are extra large, if you know what I mean, and he's such a prude that he has them dry cleaned.
But today I found a sock not in his top drawer, but in the sweet-smelling chambers of our sassy maid whore.
I suspect my master has a mistress, as there were sex stains on her sheets, and last night, groans of pleasure no less, and even bursts and splashes of shouts.
Oh, I can hardly wait til supper to rub one out, as I'm sure Chef Le Balle will let me season his tasty white trout. -Jarod Kintz
Our relationship was hot like a flame broiled hamburger until fate split us in two. You see, I like cheese and pickles, and she only likes ketchup. And I can't morally date a girl who doesn't like cheese and pickles.
The only time I'll get into the ocean is if the world sets itself on fire.
My ex girlfriend was like a sock, she just disappeared one day. One minute I was shoving her into the dryer, and the next minute she had vanished. If I could only see her now, I'm sure this has put a stain on our relationship.
The truth is like a cat: It will sleep safely in the sunshine, and it can see through the darkness.
Negative thoughts are like elephants: they are too big to let wander in an open mind, and they will trample the grass lands of your dreams.
I was the leader and organizer of a one man anti-social rally. The turnout was more than I expected, considering the meeting was at 7:00 in the morning and I never thought I'd get up in time. I was going to offer free doughnuts and coffee as incentives for everyone who showed up, but I didn't see how that was possible. I ended up paying for the doughnuts.
Knowing that time is money, I want to start managing my time like big companies manage their money. I want to outsource sets of 60 seconds to guys in India who will work for ten seconds on the minute, and accomplish nearly what I would accomplish in a fraction of the time. Big companies save money this way, why can't I also save time like that? Americans, myself included, are far too expensive and lazy to be efficient.
Is it so far ahead of the curve that you circle back on the crowd?
A-Fish-In-Sea is not splashing around in the waves, but it's riding the current and utilizing the momentum of nature.
The future is nothing more than the past in reverse. Except it's more like driving with no rear view mirror, and having your eyes gouged out and ear drums popped. The most you can feel are vibrations that may or may not be vital. -Jarod Kintz
There were 17 dark Mexians in a white car with a yellow luggage bin on top. It looked like a speeding bean and cheese burrito, and it was being shuttled by a Butler who's a Brit, complete with the bad teeth and a snobby smirk. But they are on their way to China town to meet two guys named Chin (also called Double Chin), and Mr Fu. Mr. Fu wants to team up with the Mexicans and make fortune burritos.
But first, which came first, the chicken, or the egg drop soup? -Jarod Kintz
There were 17 dark Mexians in a white car with a yellow luggage bin on top. It looked like a speeding bean and cheese burrito, and it was being shuttled by a Butler who's a Brit, complete with the bad teeth and a snobby smirk. But they are on their way to China town to meet two guys named Chin (also called Double Chin), and Mr Fu. Mr. Fu wants to team up with the Mexicans and make fortune burritos.
But first, which came first, the chicken, or the egg drop soup? -Jarod Kintz
If the truth hurts sometimes, then there's nothing more honest than kicking a loved one in the balls.
Sometimes it can take a lifetime to develop patience. Unfortunately, my impatients will probably kill me first.
The patient man waits to make a wise decision before he makes a move. The impatient man makes a move then waits to see if he made a wise decision. Two different philosophies, and quite likely two very different outcomes.
Winning is like a pile of shit: You never want to rub it in someone's face after you do it, even if they are a terrible loser.
Men are like birds: God gave us wings in the form of imagination so that we may fly from the bottom of our minds to the top of the sky, quite literally. The Wright brothers were no different than great artists or writers; they all had/have a jet-powered imagination. -Jarod Kintz
Thomas Edison was right. My inspiration is my perspiration--lots of it. I keep buckets of my sweat around. I find it helps me think. 99 buckets of perspiration for every 1 bucket-sized inspirational thought. -Jarod Kintz
"If my anger were an anus, you'd be the guy trying to insert a can of Cheese Wiz and a box of Ritz crackers up my asshole, without even considering whether I wanted a can of soda to follow it up." "All we have is Pepsi, is that OK?" "Yeah, that's fine."
I wish all the sadness of the world were encapsulated in all the peanuts that go into the peanut butter of every Reces Pieces. I say this because there would be no more sadness in the world, because what peanut wouldn't happily want to be crushed and smothered by chocolate? I know I would, and I'm only a Mr. Peanut impersonator.
Sadly, sadness isn't like water on a dog, something you can just shake off. It's more like paint, it eventually just wears off. And although I haven't actually sanded and painted a dog yet, I don't think dogs can just shake sadness off either. -Jarod Kintz
If Jello were a person, I just might convert to cannibalism, and I'd have no problem eating a family of six.
If Jello were a stripper, I'd pay good money to see her shake and jiggle that ass. Then I'd take her home with me and stuff her in my fridge, or maybe even spend all my time with her spooning.
If Jello were a politicina, he'd conform himself to the exact shape of every policy. And he'd give you such a good feeling in your stomach that you'd just have to vote for him. -Jarod Kintz
I'd never make a good mystery shopper. It's no secret if I want to buy something or not. I'd make a better mystery cashier because I'd never show up for work. -Jarod Kintz
The best things in life always seem to be green. Money, ereralds, Gumby, and of course, me--Green Jello. I'm a chill sort of guy, and I can adapt to my surroundings. I can be molded to be exactly the sort of man you want me to be. If you want a really square kind of guy, I can be that. If you want a playful guy who has many sides and shapes, I can be that for you too. Another man might get into your heart, but nobody will get into your stomach as smoothly as I will. I'm the Don Juan of the fridge. also, I don't dance, I just sort of jiggle and shake my ass. I won't leave my bowl and head out to the dance floor by myeself, you'll have to literally carry me out there. If I meet you at the bar or club, and you think I'm going to have sex with you on the first night you are beyond wrong. The most you can hope for is lots of spooning ;) I don't date women who are powderheads, women who are into nose candy. If you and I are ever going to mix, you've got to bring the water. -Jarod Kintz
Even if the person you are talking to has amnesia, it's a good habit to never tell the same joke twice. Unless you have amnesia, then feel free to reread this as often as once every five seconds. Did you already forget what i was talking about? Go back to the beginning of this paragraph to find out.
There's too uch violence in the vodka. Stir it up, don't shake it.
Computers are way too expensive. in the old days, when i got a letter in the mail that made me mad, I'd simply burn it. But now, when I get an email that irks me, I have to stop myself from dowsing my PC with kerosine and lighting it on fire. I've replaced too many e machines like that.
It's not acceptable to burn an American flag, but is it ok to burn a computer with an image of an American flag on the screen?
In relationships, acts of trust are the bricks that build the foundation, while the cement is the bond that holds the body of your ex to the bottom of the pond.
Good relationships can last a lifetime. So can bad ones, if the two people kill each other.
I like dating a girl with high standards. It shows she knows how to break her own rules.
When seeking advice, in any aspect of life, it's best to consult an expert. So if you want to find out all about inefficiency, talk to someone in a government agency.
"Kintz, is that German?" "Sure is." "Who's German?" "My dad is." "Does he speak German?" "No, and he doesn't speak to me either"
(Two guys standing in an empty field with a sign that says, "There's a lot for sale here.") "There's nothing here." "I know, it's perfect. You can build whatever you want." "But if there is nothing here, how can there be a lot?" "We're standing on it." "We're standing on nothing?" "No, a lot." "A lot of what? A lot of grass and weeds?" "Yeah and the dirt and land that goes with it." "You must be a really simple man if that's what you call a lot." "I am, and it is." "OK, I'll take it."
A criminal can't escape if the prison is in his own mind. Serving a psychological sentence of a year is probably harder than serving a lifetime sentence behind bars. This would also reduce overcrowding in the prison system, and the criminal wouldn't be cramped in his new surroundings because statistically criminals minds are vastly empty.
It's been said that children are the future. I believe that this is true. Based on that, I can conclusively deny the existence of children, since there is no future in the present, and therefore children do not really exist yet. But that means we have a growing problem in the world. We have a rising population of people, who are unidentified, except in the fact that they are really small and uneducated. And these new people have the highest percentages of unemployment out of anywhere in the world, outside of the ghettos, of course. -Jarod Kintz
People who live a long life and die of natural causes are lazy. They should take some initiative and kill themselves.
I won't date a girl who has noodles for brains, unless she has hair as red as pasta sauce. Mmmm, if lust were hunger, I'd be a citizen of Zimbabwe right now.
There was once a deaf and mute man who was too hungry for words to describe, probably because he had already eaten all of his fingers. When I first met him I told him I was a magician, and when he died that night I prmised to show up at his funeral. I didn't show up, but all his friends just thought that it was part of my act. In fact, I'm not a magician at all. I work in the produce section of the local grocery store. But sometimes I pull a magicians act at work and don't show up for days in a row. My managers love it. They can't figure out how I do it. The secret is not getting out of bed in the morning, and I am a master at that.
There was once a man who ran marathons wearing only cowboy boots and a pink robe. I knew this man well, but now he is mentally ill. He is now as mentally unstable as a dream about ten bowling balls stacked on the top of the cell phone of an old man in a wheel chair with only one wheel, only the man in the cowboy boots doesn't get pushed around as much. I knew him from way back from before, up until slightly after. It's not about the five seconds we knew each other, it's about what he said. I was standing in the buffet line and walks up and mutters to me, "Whatever you do, don't try the fish." And I didn't. But I did recommend it to my girlfriend. The man with the pink robe was right. -Jarod Kintz
What is the meaning of life? I believe I found the meaning of life the other day. I found it in my chicken salad sandwich. So there I was, sitting at the booth in Panera, and as I was adding yellow mustard to my sandwich, I noticed a tiny shimmering object mixed in with the chicken salad. I lowered my head to get a closer view and what did I find? It was nothing short of the most miraculous big toe toenail I have ever seen. It was the longest and thickest nail that my eyes have ever laid feast on. And then it hit me: we are all lonely toe nails floating in this chicken salad world of ours, waiting to be eaten by the unknown. So I covered up the nail with my bread and proceeded to eat from the sandwich of knowledge. Adam had his fruit that enabled him to see a different perspective on the world, and I had my toe nail. -Jarod Kintz
I'm sure glad that bugs aren't U.S. citizens, because there are so many of them that they'd dominate the polls on election day. Even if every person took the time to step on four bugs on their way to the polls, the bugs would still have the numbers to win the election.
Cigarettes are evil. Not only are they going around killing a lot of people, but I'm sure they are responsible for a lot of forest fires too. -Jarod Kintz
If you had a grape for a head I'd love to smash your face. or I'd take you to the beach, leave you out in the sun, and then laugh at your shrunken raisin head.
Reece Witherspoon's legs forked wide open. -Jarod Kintz
The air asaulted my mouth, or maybe that was the fist that the breeze bashed against my lips, whose sting reverberated and vibrated like the wings of a bee after a strike. Or maybe it was more like the shock waves of a union on strike. No! That was no wind current that blew the blow that slew the blood from my lips, it was my current boss, "Angry Blue" is what I call him, he's the bossman who struck me. He struck me odd at least, because I'm self employed, a one-man business, in a two piece business suit, and I have the power to pass the pain down to my employees, asuming they don't quit on me now. I have two great employees working under me now who really move my business along. One second one of them is a leader and the other is following at exactly one step behind, and the next moment the other is leading with the first one following at precisely a step behind. They move at the pace I dictate, as dictated to me by "Angry Blue," but the moment they stop working is the moment I stop moving forward. I'd say a union is a body of like minded organisms who clump together to give power to their cause. It was my policy, open to all my employees, in my one-man entrepeneurial venture, to establish a union to maximize the benefit of the whole. And of the whole benefit, the complete profit, I take half, and I give the other half to my employees who keep me moving forward. -Jarod Kintz
In a man's eyes, the beauty of a woman is in direct proportion to the quality and abundance of other females in the vicinity. An average woman becomes the object of lust if she is either the only woman in the room, or if she is in the company of ugly women.
Everyone wants to be the champion of a great cause, but I want to be the champion of a great effect.
It'd make a funnier story to write about the loser of a great effect, rather than the champion of a great cause. -Jarod Kintz
It's sad to meet a child from a broken home. I wish i could give them all the glue in the world to help them put their houses back together.
I've met the blind, the deaf, and the fingerless. But of all the senses to lose, the most dangerous to your health would have to be the loss of your sense of common. -Jarod Kintz
The sun sprang into the sky the same way a turtle jumps on a rabbit's back, and the clouds were as thick as ripples in a lake at dawn. She swung limp on the swing like the metal ball of a pendulum, her smile as dim as a burnt out light bulb, only costs more to replace. Her blonde hair was clumped together like wet noodles on a prairie of dry papers, which rested on a muscular desk that is crouched in the closet of my imagination like a fat man who is stuffed in a vending machine packed with candy bars and unpaid parking tickets. And then she was gone, like the fish on my line, and the end of the line in this poem. And all I could do is put my pen down and watch the rising dawn while I fell asleep dreaming of candy bars and unpaid parking tickets. -Jarod Kintz
I wish people had door handles on their foreheads. Then, when I encountered a mentally disturbed person, I would simply hang a DO NOT DISTURB sign on their forehead handles.
If you were a near sighted bug, I'd gladly let you observe the bottom of my shoe.
Even a retard can deceive a retard, but it takes a real genius to convince a retard he should fool himself.
They say men think with their dicks. I think that is true of most men. Wouldn't it be marvellously productive if men also thought with their hands? Man, I'd get some really deep thinking done at least twice a day then. -Jarod Kintz
I think people should paint not with a brush, but with a banana. it'd give the painting much more of a texture.
I painted a picture without using a paint brush, instead I used a toothe brush. And it was a monochromatic picture--the only color I used was mint. This way, if I'm ever forced to eat my own painting, I'll be fighting gingivitis also. -Jarod Kintz
New form of war: an army of sexy underwear, and girls modeling them, meant to save blood on the battlefield by redirecting it to the penis. This tactic also renders the enemies mind as useless as a thirteen year old boy's mind. -Jarod Kintz
New form of war: an army of sexy underwear, and girls modeling them, meant to save blood on the battlefield by redirecting it to the penis. This tactic also renders the enemy's mind as useless as a thirteen-year-old boy's mind. -Jarod Kintz
Being patient saves a person a lot of time. By sitting and waiting, you are accumulating a lot of time that you normally would be out spending. So patience is like a piggy bank for time. And, if time is money, it's also a greater return on your investment, because the patiently made decisions carry you further into the future and tend to be more efficient as well. -Jarod Kintz
I wish I could read people's minds, because I like to underline when I read, and I've always wondered what yellow highlighter would look like on gray matter. -Jarod Kintz
Man, you're a good crowd tonight. I did just refer to you as a crowd. I'm learning from the Army. they have an army of one, where I seek out crowds of one. Are ten army guys standing in a group, ten armies of one, or an Army of ten? or Ten guys in an Army, or Ten guys that are part of the Army? or maybe they are Ten Armys that are part of a larger Army? anyways, you are such a good crowd of one, that I am recommending you for promotion. -Jarod Kintz
Muhummed Ali "floats like a butterfly, and stings like a bee," but he's just a little bug that wouldn't even make a splatter upon history's windshield. -Jarod Kintz
Muhammed Ali calls himself the greatest ever. He had an empire of one. I'd like to arrange the introduction between Alexander The Great's sword and Muhummed's neck. -Jarod Kintz
Alexander the Great might have said, "Two people I like to run through with my sword: Oliver stone, and even worse to me is Muhummed Ali. Who is Muhummed Ali to call himself the greatest? He had an empire of one. he twitches now. He fought not with his brain (he has an IQ of 40), but with his head. Literally. He just took a beating until his opponent got tired of working his face, and then he'd win the fight. How moronic is that? No wonder he shakes more than a fine piece of ass at the club now. And Oliver isn't so bad to me, he just mangled my story a bit. But at least he did get Anthony Hopkins to play Ptolemy, and that pleased me. So maybe I wouldn't kill him like I would with Muhummed Ali. He "floats like a butterfly, and stings like a bee," but he's just a little bug, that wouldn't even make a splatter upon history's windshield. No, no, my friends. Do not be fooled. I am the greatest ever." -Jarod Kintz
Who is Muhummad Ali to call himself the greatest ever? Muhummad Ali said he was the greatest. History has said I was Great. I had an great empire and a great IQ, while he had neither. Muhummad Ali had an empire that was 1/80th of his IQ. But its hard to run an empire of none, aside from himself, even when you have an IQ that reaches as high as 80. But look at him. He twitches now. He fought not with his brain (he has to have at IQ at, or below 80), but with his head. Literally. He just took a beating until his opponent got tired of working his face, and then he'd win the fight. How moronic is that? No wonder he shakes more now than a fine piece of ass at the club. And Oliver isn't so bad to me, he just mangled my story a bit. But at least he did get Anthony Hopkins to play Ptolemy, and that pleased me. So maybe I wouldn't kill him like I would with Muhummad Ali. He "floats like a butterfly, and stings like a bee," but he's just a little bug that wouldn't even make a splatter upon history's windshield. No, no, my friends. Do not be fooled. I am the greatest ever. -Jarod Kintz
Used Car Salesman: Damian, have I got the car for you. Fresh out of the impound. Some crack dealer couldn't make payments. I guess crackheads were low on funds last month. If this car was a vase, it'd be full of steaming piss it's so hot. I even took the liberty of urinating on the floor board as soon as it got on the lot. You don't even need air fresheners, as it now smells like asparagus. Of course the CD player is busted. You know, that little slit that you put the CD in is tiny. The manufacturers should really encourage a person not to try to angrily shove the heel of their boot in there. So there was a hole in the console, but I patched that up with duct tape (duct tape works on everything from car maintennence to kidnapping--not that I'd know anything about the former). Then I went ahead and punched other random holes all across the dash and patched them also with duct tape just to give it uniformity. Damn, I should have been a designer. So come on by, she'll be waiting for you. -Jarod Kintz
Warranties are for suckers. And suckers are for little children. And little chilren are for the women folk, so I don't even deal with them. I'm not gay, I'm just efficient (although you'd think I am with my keen eye for style). There's only one priority in my life, and that's selling the idea of quality cars. Of course I sell total junk, but in concept they are beautiful machines. I could sell a pasty piece of shit to a shoe salesman, and convince him to apply it to the bottom of his loafers. So a firm handshake and a pat on the back is how old Ted does business. I never go back on my word, I only go forward and loop around. I also have been known to barter too (Uncle sam can't trace your income if you deal primarily with South American llamas). I've got an '87 hatchback that I'm selling now for about six llamas and two sombreros. But I'd be willing to go as low as four llamas, three sombreros and a provocative picture of somebody in the backseat of the car I sell you. -Jarod Kintz
Used Car salesman, Have you broke in the backseat yet?
Have I ever. not only did I piss all over the place, but I think I actually took a dump in the trunk. Then I wiped my ass on the head rests. -Jarod Kintz
Door-to-door vacuum salesman: This sex machine also cleans carpets!
My industrial strength suckage of a job is ebbing my life away. I only sold two vacuums last month, and both were because I made an offhand remark about how I recently suffered from internal bleeding after lodging the hose of the vacuum in my anal cavity and flicking the on button. I damn near sucked my gall bladder out. No suprise, but both of those sales were from homosexual men. But they didn't respect me. Nobody respects me. Hell, I wouldn't respect myself if I knocked at my own door. And I do. I often stand outside my own door knocking and crying for hours on end until Mother just can't take it anymore and she comes out of her room, opens the door, and forces me to come inside and go to bed. I have had twelve sales to date, and Mother was my first ten of those. But I've been doing this for six years! I don't have a girlfriend, nor do I even bother to look anymore. Who needs one when you get to sleep with an industrial strength vacuum? My vacuum cleans for me, and sucks for me, and my mother cooks for me. What more can a man ask for? Except for friends. I do need friends. That's why I'm here. So leave me a comment, send me a message, and I'll be the happiest salesman ever. -Jarod Kintz
Door-to-door vacuum salesman: Heroes; Stanley Steemer, Hoover, and the guy who invented the little attachment on the end of the hose with the bristles. God that thing just tickles me to orgasm. -Jarod Kintz
Door-to-door vacuum salesman: General:Cleaning carpets, utilizing the vacuum hose in unsanitory and unsavory ways. Music: I generally can't hear music over the power of the vacuum motor, which I run 24/7 -Jarod Kintz
With his surreal thoughts and ideas, Jarod paints a picture so vividly in the readers mind that they’d think he was actually using their gray matter as a canvas. But don’t worry, you can read this knowing that he will not spill paint on your favorite shirt. -Jarod Kintz
A wise giraffe never sticks his neck out for anyone.
Her skirt was so short there was as much skin showing as a giraffe wearing a turtleneck.
If there were a population of blue elephants, with one yellow elephant living among them, and another yellow elephant of the opposite sex tries to enter the herd, who will end up getting with her?
1)The yellow elephant, feeling out of place and snubbed all the time, will go for her just to beat out all the blue elephants. And also to seek companionship from a fellow yellow elephant.
2)A blue elephant will go for her because the yellow elephant wasn't interested. The yellow elephant doesn't want another yellow, he wants to get a blue elephant to try to fit in and assimilate.
3)A blue elephant will get with the yellow elephant just to create a green elephant, because who doesn't want to see a baby green elephant?
I'm so lazy I take breaks when I sleep. During my nightly eight hour shift of sleep, I might take six thirty-minute breaks, where I take little naps.
Blank looks on people's faces are like blank pages: best to scribble on with markers.
To talk about foreplay is not the same thing as engaging in foreplay, unless you make like a deaf man and let your fingers do the talking.
If love were a round table, I'd be the guy sitting in the corner.
The man in the red shirt blue his nose, and sticky green flue out so fast that he blacked out. all his grey matter swelled leaving his face flush and purple. "Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown," crowed his pink little secretary. "Are you all right?" "I'm fine Mrs. Yellowstone," he chortled.
My grandfather is like a chair" he has legs, yet he can not walk. that, plus he makes an excellent stepping stool, or an extra cokmfy seating place for guests as the dinner table. -Jarod Kintz
For a Corrections Officer, the best way to make a correction might be with White Out. Splash the bottle in the criminal's face and they'll probably remember it. -Jarod Kintz
Hey Ya'll, my name is Beatrice Blake, and I'll be your myspace server tonight. LOL. What can I say about myself in this tiny space? I have been a Waffle House waitress since I got pregnant at fifteen. Then I had to drop out of the seventh grade and work full time. I have spent all my life either on my feet or on my back, wink wink. I live by this motto: Once you go Blake, you never go bake. And I'm not picky, I'll nearly everyone stick it in my oven. -Jarod Kintz
waffle House waitress" I like reading mystery novels. But most stories seem too complicated at first, but then you realize they are just like waffles: full of holes. But I still enjoy reading my Nancy Drew novels. They help me build my vocabulary, if nothing else. -Jarod Kintz
Lots of people have an unhealthy fear of heights. But I have an unhealthy fear of fruits. Some poeple are afraid of falling, where as I am afraid of getting all of my vitamins.
Life is about perspective. Compared to an ant, my penis is the size of the Empire State building. -Jarod Kintz
If I were a rock star, instead of a printer for my computer, I'd have a cloth cutter. That way, instead of mailing them to me, my adoring female fans could just email me their panties. -Jarod Kintz
You know, I thought you proved Columbus wrong and fell off the face of the earth. I haven't heard from you in forever.I almost went and burned my entire collection of globes and started buying a bunch of maps to replace them. -Jarod Kintz
her: Im kind of nervous to meet you. Isnt that crazy?
me: why? I could be a serial killer, or a vampire who loves cats
her: Well vampires have a $ex appeal about them. So if that is what you are, great! The serial killer thing isnt so great though. Nothing $exy there. haha
me: ted bundy...not a stallion?
her: $ex stallion? no way. But nice looking. So Jarod tell me, your not into slicing up women are u? haha Are u trying to make me more nervous?
me: slicing up? No, of course not. I'm more into grinding them up
her: your real funny. do I need to bring a friend with me? haha
I just bought a new piece of clothing today. I bought the emperor's new bathing suit. And I'm revealing my new suit at a pool near you soon. -Jarod Kintz
Love is like a duck swimming in a pond fill of bacon grease that resonates with the scent of urine after a person eats asparagus. You don't just want to dive in after the duck, you want to slowly wade after it.
Never take a shit in the ocean standing with your back against the current.
By the way he rode into town with his lit cheroot and polished six shooter shining in the sun, I knew there wasn't going to be enough romm in this town for both of us. Fortunately, those space saver bags that are advertised on infomercials really work, and I have him tucked away in a closet. Him and his horse, and some old sweaters that my grandmother knitted for me. Hell, I could even fit my grandmother in that bag too, but I'm not sure about her coffin too though.
My hand went numb with pleasure. Well, actually, it went to sleep...with my penis.
I like my women like I like my food: fast, cheap, and supersized.
I wish when it rained, it rained panties and bras. And I wish I lived in the desert, where it never rains, that way nobody would have panties or bras to wear.
I like sitting in my car when it's raining so hard it sounds like fingers tapping on the roof. It would be great if it wer actually fingers tapping on the roof, and I drove a piano, because then I could listen to music. Unlike now, since my radio is broken worse than my fingers are.
I wish people still rode horses instead of driving cars, because I'd like to make bumper stickers for horses. Things like, "My other ride is a real jackass, but then you already knew that about your wife." -Jarod Kintz
Sarah said her crotch smelled like chocolate and Brandy, which is good because my penis is about as thin as a mixing straw. There are many people on myspace.com whose only job is to seek out poedephiles. i think it would be funny to set up two fake profiles. One, a little girl, and the other an elderly man. Then send dirty messages back and forth to yourself until they come knocking on your door to arrest you.
The fridge Midget: I'm a freak in the freezer.
Garbage Man Dan: My job stinks worse than my foot (I only have one).
Cafeteria Lady: I'm just nuts about my hairnet. Well, actually, I'm just nuts. People say I'm nuttier than a fruitcake, I just don't respond as well to being stuffed in a tin can. trash cans i do a little better with. some of the boys at school they like to corner me and tease me by throwing me in them. I feel flattered to be the object of the high school boys' lust. They all want to get me naked, except for my hairnet, of course. And I let them. But just the nerdy ones. My motto: I never suck a jock's cock.
Ticket Stub Tearer: My heart is like a ticket stub: torn, folded up, and tossed aside to be trampled by everyone who walks by. I've been married as many times as there are letters in the alphabet, although I can only count as high as X. I've been told that X is the 24th letter. I've also been told that X is the number ten in Roman numerals, but I can't speak Roman. But I do remember my number ten wife though. Vanessa. She was a bitch. Just after my money, and she got it too. In those days, adjusting for inflation, she got nearly all of my $65 dollars from my savings account.
Laundromat Man: More women should dry clean their panties. God I love the smell of dirty panties. I also love the smell of coffee beans. Why can't more women eat coffee beans and then get a little doodle on their thongs so that I might be able to huff them in the mornings to wake me up?
Tupperware woman: Keepin' the party fresh. your mind is the tupperware of thought. It keeps ideas fresh. But my thoughts are as stale as my panties, which I also keep in Tupperware containers in the freezer.
Sam: I enjoy laughing, baseball, and pleasuring myself in the breakroom at work. I work in accounting. I work with numbers all day long. I love numbes. Numbers give me erections. That's why I sneak off to the break room to beat off when I know it will be empty, and I rarely clean up after myself. -Jarod Kintz
Hank, the Truck Driver: Sometimes I be driving with my eyes closed and shit. Driving trucks is not only my job, it's my hobby. I have other hobbies too. Thinking man's hobbies. I don't fish, but I do like reading about fish. My favorite fish reference book is One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. If I live to be eighty, reading that book would have taken up 1/160th of my life. Yep. It took me nearly two years to read that book. That's also because I was learnig my basic math skills at the same time. If I were an animal, I'd be a fish. I'm really attracted to shiny things for some reason. You know, things like iced-out jewelry, and spinning rims. Shit like that. But back to topic. When you think of me, think of this. If it's got 16 wheels, or 16 appendages, I'll hop on and ride it. That's right, I'm into orgys as well. See, I'm not like them other truck drivers. I'm as deep as the ocean, and as playful as a fish, except I don't frolick in my own feces. (Except on Tuesdays, when I go and visit Henry in the nursing home. We have fecal fights.) -Jarod Kintz
The most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me is that one time when I fell asleep taking a piss. I guess I should have started out in the bathroom, instead of going in my bed. But I've gained a lot of wisdom since last Tuesday. -Jarod Kintz
I'd like to meet a man who folds his underwear into tiny squares, and then places them into open Pop Tart bags, then proceeds to reseal the bags, and then puts the bags in the Pop Tart box before resealing that as well. -Jarod Kintz
Tupperware Woman: I always wished that instead of music being recorded onto CDs, someone could figure out a way to capture the music and put it in Tupperware containers. That way I could listen to my music while I eat it too. -Jarod Kintz
In some places I've heard it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting permit. Does this hold true even for people who dress up in giant cat costumes? -Jarod Kintz
If you are going to careen off the road into a pack of cows and have milk and guts spray all over your windshield and hood, make sure you are driving an Oreo truck. -Jarod Kintz
Tree Hugger: All trees are my friends, and I normally don't pee on my friends.
Not only was he over the hill, but he was as insignificant as an ant too.
Otto, the auto mechanic: If tires were diapers, we'd change them for you. but that's no excuse to go crap yourself when you see how low our prices are.
Cindy, the psychic: I read palms like they were novels, except there are no Cliff's Notes for palms. So I just make stuff up. your future never seems so bright as when you stare into the sun. And with all our futures, like staring into the sun too long, leaves us wondering why we are so blind to it? but I have sunglasses to see into the bright unknown that is the future. Don't believe me? I'll give you a free reading on your fourth visit. So come on by. You don't even need to make an appointment, I'll already know you are coming. Or will I?
Clovis, the carpet cleaner: filthy, rank, dirty or dank, Clovis can handle even the stenchiest of skanks...carpets that is. Clovis, you ask, why do you have carpet burn on your tongue? Because I am passionate about my job, that's why. When I go down on a dirty carpet, I don't stop until the job is finished.
Every morning I like to jog exactly 20 miles. And to save time, I load my treadmill in the back of my truck and have my friend drive me across town while I enjoy the eighty-miles-an-hour gusts of wind tossing my hair around as i fight to stay on the treadmill.
The smaller the window, the larger the temptation for a peeping tom. That's why I feel safe cooking naked in front of my large bay windows.
If soldiers are as hard and expressionless as stone then i think I'd make an excellent soldier. I'd make him out of granite. I'm a pretty good sculptor.
Before your kids get too bad, you have to catch them before they get spoiled. Keep them in the refrigerator and eat them when they are ripe.
If there was a notorious wise man, I'd travel over mountains just to gain knowledge from him. and the first question I'd ask him upon arriving is, "My feet are bleeding, why don't you have an email?" "Foolish man," he'd probably reply, "Why didn't you ask me that on the phone?"
Man, like life, is about balance and symmetry. The left side of a man's body mirrors the right side. the same is true of death and life, but you have to specifically as for a coffin with mirrors on it.
After my uncle got out of prison, he promised us that from there on out, he'd walk the strait and narrow. Seeing as he only had one leg, we found that statement incredulous. Sure enough, within minutes, he was back to walking in circles.
I tried driving through the red light district, but I was stopped the whole time. I can't get aroused when I'm impatiently waiting for it to turn green.
Ever tried soliciting sex at sixty miles an hour? Talk about a quickie.
My sister invited me to her wedding. It was a shotgun wedding, so I came dressed like a giant bullet. Man, if looks could kill...
I consider myself a patient man. The only thing I'll ever get impatient about is waiting.
There are too many contrarians out there today. Be original. Follow the masses.
Follow nobody somewhere, while at the same time lead somebody nowhere. This is the true path to enlightenment.
Arvin, the Astronought: NASA won't allow me back in space. Apparently, my ego is too big. So large, in fact, that it developed it's own gravitational pull, and the earth was actually revolving around me.
Crazy Inventor: With cutting edge technology, sometimes you have to bleed to break through. Luckily for me I'm not a hemophiliac. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I get so excited I just want to breathe so deeply that I inhale a few passer Byers. Then, in jubilation, I'd shout obscenities at the top of my lungs. and, of course, these people who I just breathed in would be at the top of my lungs. Yes Siree, I love shouting at random people.
Sometimes I wish I lived a few centuries ago, when chivalry was abundant. Then I think how lucky I am I didn't live back then, because I'd be dead right now. And there is nothing romantic about a corpse. Well, almost nothing.
If your nipples were on your eye lids, then and only then would I look up at you while you are talking to me.
I'm the laugh of the locker-room, and a joke in the bedroom.
I'm a great camping partner. My body odor repels most bugs.
I can smell you through my monitor. Maybe I should move my laptop away from your open window.
My eyes light up like a cigarette every time I see you. I think you are going to give me cancer.
If $100 dollar bills were flatulence, I'd have money flowing out of my ass all day long. And you could get rich just by huffing them.
Yay, the transplant surgery was successful! I now have the anatomy of a horse, wink wink, neigh, neigh.
I'll wash my hands in your toilet after I shit in your sink.
I'll steal your girlfriend and then I'll steal your Mercedes. And I'll use one and abuse the other. Nah, just kidding, I wouldn't steal your girlfriend, even tough she's already in my pocket.
Insanity Contest: In it to lose it. Lose your mind and win the contest. all applicants must have both hemispheres of their brain to be eligible to compete.
Some days I remember how her bare feet sounded, gracefully skipping across the pavement, and I wish I would have asked her to dance. some days I remember how her hair waved in the wind, like a red flame, and I wish I would have asked her on a date. Some days I hear my alarm clock ticking and I wish I wouldn't have blown her up. But only some days.
People often feel very bitter about the career they've chosen. Some people would kill to switch jobs and become something like a hit man, or a postal worker.
The last time I saw my friend, Rork, he showed up at a Halloween party dressed like a soup can. imagine my shock when I asked the host why everyone was dressed as spoons and he told me it was a cannibal party. I wonder what ever happened to Rork?
My fingernails were like spoiled children: they wanted too much money. So I had to cut them off. Well, actually, I bit them off. Then they got belligerent and made a scene in public. They started scratching my balls right there in the middle of the restaurant. I was so embarrassed I nearly threw up as I belched my apology to my table. Also, in my nervousness, I may have passed gas in the direction of my waiter. -Jarod Kintz
Procrastination is the art of waiting until the future becomes the past to do something. Procrastinators would act on things in the present, if they didn’t believe that the present was just a synonym for the future.
I like to think of time like a race. There is the past, the present, and the future. Life is a race, but the best place to start is in the middle. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wish I could line the coastline of all seven continents with porcelain. that way all the oceans would be my bathtub, and all the battleships and yachts in the sea would be my bath toys to play with and sink at will.
Irish spring should make soap in the shape of a penis, so that mother's could internally clean themselves while also pleasuring themselves at the same time. And they could also use the penis-shaped soap to wash out their kids' dirty mouths.
A drunk can't follow a line of reasoning, even if it's a double white line.
Sex, like being a scientist, is more passionate when you are mad.
Masturbation, like writing, is best when your mind is working faster than your hand.
Sex, like being a roadside vendor, is best when you are highly visible on the side of the road.
Sex, like a refrigerator, gets hotter when you leave the door open.
Sex, like going to the flea market, works best if you know how to haggle.
For women, sex, like getting something from Fed Ex, is more exciting when you're receiving a large package.
Sex, like the WNBA, is more enjoyable when the women really know how to handle the ball (for those of us with only one).
Sex, like soccer, is better when you actually score, instead of just kicking your ball round all night.
For women, sex, like construction, is better with foreman.
sex, like silverware, is messier when it's on the rag.
Sex, like vacation, feels better if you hit the hot spots, while getting paid for it too.
Sex, like performing surgery, works best when you put them under.
sometimes I still get the urge to stuff asparagus up my nostrils, even though I don't like the way it makes my pee smell.
Sometimes, when it's raining, I like to drive along the interstate in reverse. It's just a courtesy thing, and to let the oncoming traffic know when I am braking so they can better swerve out of the way.
I once made a guest some bacon for breakfast. He looked at it and said, "I can't eat that crap because that bacon is a filthy food." So I took the bacon off the plate, rinsed off the fecal sauce, and served it back to him. "Next time," I admonished him, "You really should try it with the shit all over it."
Sometimes I'll forget how to do certain things, and then remember how to do them at odd times. For example, sometimes, when I'm driving, I'll forget how to break. Then, later on, I'll remember how to break while I'm sleeping. And sometimes I'll forget how to sleep, but then I'll suddenly remember how to go to sleep while I'm driving. It's so bad now that the sound of a horn from an oncoming car has become my alarm clock. Then I'll forget how to hit the snooze and I'll just sleep right through it. -Jarod Kintz
The Mad Scientist: I too know Jarod. He's the reason I'm such a brilliant lover as well as scientist. While working on a formula, unsuccessfully I might add, he casually remarked, "Sex, like being a scientist, is more passionate when you are mad." And I've been crazy ever since then--in both the lab and in bed. -Jarod Kintz
(cook's=all by "hand") Tangy, Buttery, Crisp Bottoms! Excellent for Biscuits and Gravy! In glass bowl--1 1/4 c. all-purpose flour (mix dry well) 1/4 tsp baking soda 2 tsp salt (can add more later) 2 Tbsp dry buttermilk powder 3 Tsp freshly clipped fingernails (can omit if desired) Add by hand--5 tbsp butter (plugra?!!)--salted or unsalted very important--Butter must be cold, cut into 1 Tbsp slices--with fingers, pressbutter pieces into flour, making nickel-sized pieces. Mix with feet (or hands). Freeze bowl (but not feet).
assemble: countertop, greased with shortening or the fat of baby beached whales! Paper towel--on work area. 1/2 c. extra flour--1/4 c. rubbed thinkly across work area biscuit cutter. Scraper/folder tool for folding very tender dough. Ungreased baker 8x8 (allow 1/2 " apart)--makes 4 Oven--preheat to 450 degrees. To dry mix: Add: 4/8-5/8 c. ice water; add until dough clears the side of bowl. Transfer to work area (preferrably outsourced to Bombay). Dust with flour--no excess. Press out with hands--try not to warm the dough! Work Swift like Tom. Make "fold." Press out again. Do a total of 4 folds. Dough will be tender! Make the final fold narrow; press cutter (don't twist! or shout!) Scraps can form a whole--don't "work"! Remove midget from oven Bake 15 minutes Enjoy!
-Jarod Kintz *taken from a recipe from Mother's recipe box
This is the book that all the mute's are talking about. It's hard to talk with their fingers as they are eagerly flipping through the pages of this book. But even though they can't talk, they can still laugh. And if laughing were a penis, their laughter would be John Holmes, they'd be laughing that long and hard. -Jarod Kintz
The Madman: If sanity was clothing, I'd be a stripper. But only on the weekends, because that's when Mother lets me go out. But I'm always out--of my mind. Because that's where true freedom exists--beyond the normal mind's limits. So come and enjoy this little corner of madness within the myspace communtiy. It's always summertime here, so come strip off your sanity and enjoy the naked madness which is the definition of freedom. So let freedom ring and let's all get naked and crazy.
If it's several standard deviations beyond the norm, chances are I'll love it. I'm a contrarian. I love people that have something to say, and aren't afraid to say it with their fingers, and shout while they are saying it. Just so long as they aren't yelling with food in their fingers. -Jarod Kintz
Used Car Salesman: I'd give up selling used cars to sell used copies of Emails From a Madman. That's how friggin hilarious this book is. this book made me piss all over myself. Good thing I read it in the back seat of a client's car. -Jarod kintz
Sometimes I wear sunglasses while I urinate, and pretend that my pee is a solar laser beam that will cut through my pants and legs if a direct hit occurs. I'm sure glad I am only pretending though, because it wouldn't be fun to lose both my legs and hands every day.
I'm sure glad socks are made out of cotton, and not ice-cube trays, because I don't like keeping my socks in the freezer. Because if I did that, then where would I keep my underwear?
I sure hope Wrigley doesn't start making socks, because then I wouldn't be able to refuse if someone offered me some socks. I sure do love chewing on socks. They add some flavor while I'm biting my toenails.
Homeless people, who live in cardboard boxes, have really low overhead.
Success happens when your career is yor life. That's why I'd like to make homeless men into cops. We still shouldn't pay them, but, unlike normal cops, they' be on the streets 24/7.
I think belly buttons, and belly button rings, are sexy. My girlfriend has two of them. And, amazingly, she still has both of her ambilical cords.
Sometimes I wish I could jump so high I could touch the moon with both of my hands. Usually after thinking this, I'll immediately go into a handstand and pretend I just jumped all the way from the moon and was able to touch the earth with both hands.
eDNa THe EXoTiC daNCeR: Papi likes it loose and floppy. Grindin', hustlin', paper chasin', slingin' my poon just to fill my spoon wit crack. You want a god time? Don't be a foo, Edna's yo boo! Discount rates for senior citizen gangstas. Holla atcha gurl.
I wish I could read people's palms, because then when I get to a great scene I could give the author a high five.
Ignorant, uncultured people might say that time flies fast as shit when you are having fun. But I know that it doesn't matter whether you are bored or having fun, shit always flies faster than time, if thrown properly.
City corruption and kickbacks are becoming so bad that I think the vending machine in the break room at my office should run for mayor. At least we can be sure it won't accept anybody's money.
To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.
Tupperware Woman: I try not to label people, unless I am about to stuff them in a Tupperware container.
Men's Bathroom Attendent: Most people won't use their friends, but they'll sure use and abuse a bathroom. Not me, I'd rather piss on my friends than in a beatiful bathroom.
Men's Bathroom Attendent: Everyone is an entrepreneur in the Men's bathroom. They come in, do their business, and get out of there feeling that sweet release of success. And I'm the closer in these deals, the man who comes in and cleans up after these Captains of the Camode. And you know what? I'm cool with that.
Men's Bathroom Attendent: My mom always tells me my room is a dump (yes I still live with mother). She wants to know why I bring my work home with me, and tells me that it's stinking up the whole house. She just can't relate to the younger generation I guess.
Used Car Salesman: I like my broads with junk in the trunk. Things like spare tires, jumper cables, and midgets named Chip. You know, the standard things that everyone should carry around in the trunks of their cars. -Jarod Kintz
I knew a girl who used to screw like a hurricane. Yeah, she'd be rocking all the cars in town.
Sometimes I let my mind drift like a pair of panties in a pond. My thoughts get all soaked with the algae of creativity.
Sometimes I get hungry for edible panties in the wee hours of the morning. A little midnight snatch, if you will.
Being bisexual might be the best of both worlds, but if people probe you about it, it can also make you feel alienated. But I wouldn't really know, because I'm a one world kind of guy.
I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.
from the way he was swerving the car across all four lanes of the highway I could tell he must have had that crazy look in his eye, even though he was wearing blindfolds. But what could we do? It was his seventh birthday, and we didn't have a bat, or a place to hang the pinata except for the back of Jed's pickup truck.
Drinking clouds my thoughts and makes me talk as thunderously as a lightning bolt.
Some guys like a girl who can make them laugh. But I always prefer one who can make me dinner. -Jarod Kintz
Actually, Cole, only one of my balls is freakishly large. It's lika a grapefruit on steroids. while the other is more like a grape with muscular dystrophy. -Jarod Kintz
Garrett, the Deformed Informant: Hello, my name is Garrett, and I can scratch my back with my toes. It's not that I'm all that flexible, but I just lost all my toes in a speeding piano/farm animal accident. Long story. So now I carry my toes around in little sandwich bags and pull them out when I need to scratch in hard to reach places (like scratching Renaldo, my midget friend, when he's hiding behind the refrigerator). Anybody who knows me knows I'm a hard working guy who's easy to get along with. I won't step on your toes if you don't step on mine. (Sometimes this might be hard for you because I sometimes leave them on the break room floor after playing with them. If you could just pick them up and throw them in my Lego box that I keep in the breakroom freezer, I'd appreciate that.) I'm here to make new friends, and not really to meet women. My motto: Toes before hoes (I have exactly ten people I can count as friends. So I call my friends my little toes). -Jarod Kintz
The perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex, with a girl who has no stomach or legs.
I wish saturday had 168 hours in it. Then Saturday would be the best day to get laid.
I think we should change the amount of time in each day. Sunday thru Friday should be reduced from 24 hours down to ten minutes, and Saturday would become a 167 hour day. That way, when people ask me what I did all week I could truthfully respond, "I slept all week. But I got a hell of a lot done on Saturday."
I would love to be able to sell people shit on a stick, if I could just figure out how to swallow the stick whole.
If fear was an empire, I often wonder if I would conquer it? well, since I'm afraid of other men senselessly dying, many men would have to die for me to conquer my empire of fear.
I knew a homeless man once who lived in a U-Haul van. He was always on the move. -Jarod Kintz
Starving Artist: And there he sat, in the corner, feeding his thoughts, but not his empty stomach. How much longer could he endure this? Those ribs at the table were beckoning him like a canvas calls out to oil. -Jarod Kintz
I think we should change the amount of time in each day. Sunday thru Friday should be reduced from 24 hours down to ten minutes, and Saturday would become a 167 hour day. That way, when people ask me what I did all week I could truthfully respond, "I slept all week. But I got a hell of a lot done on Saturday."
Starving Artist: I love your idea. That means I could eat all week! -Jarod Kintz
The Mad Scientist: yes, our minds are linked by the interenet, which is faster than lighting, unless a server is down. And it is my pleasure to meet a man who has as quick of an intellect as I do. -Jarod Kintz
The Mad Scientist: Was he a beaker half full kind of scientist? Or was he a beaker half mad kind of scientist? From the look in his eyes, I could tell he was slightly more than half mad. -Jarod Kintz
I used to work with this crazy guy who'd always try to talk to me. But that was ok with me, because when you work alone it can sometimes get awful lonely and boring. -Jarod Kintz
Everyone knows I have a cheese fetish. I relate to cheese. I'm like a cheese bachelor. You know, the single slices of cheese, I call it bachelor cheese. I'm like a single slice of American cheese. -Jarod Kintz
I like older women. Older than eighteen and younger than twenty three.
I don't like working on cars. My desk always scratches the paint on my Honda's roof.
Some people eat when they get depressed. Not me, that's when I start vomiting.
I dated this girl once just because I thought she'd make an excellent mother. But when she wouldn't let me breastfeed, I had no choice but to break up with her.
Don't you understand that your dreams are birds? If I don't shoot them down for you, they'll just end up shitting all over you. -Jarod Kintz
I once met a man who couldn't think outside of the box. So one day, while he was thinking, I taped the box shut and mailed him to Maine. UPS reported that the box was lost, so I guess he's still lost in thought. -Jarod Kintz
I once randomly kidnapped a man. It turned out he had six fingers on one hand, so when I cut one off and sent it to his girlfriend, instead of calling the police, she sent me a Thank You card. I responded to her letter using her boyfriend's handwriting. This was tricky since his hand was so bloody it kept slipping out of my grip. And damn it if I didn't find out later that the boyfriend also had three hands. The girlfriend decided to name their firstborn son after me. -Jarod Kintz
Used Car Salesman: I judge people by the bumper stickers on their bumpers. I saw one guy on the road the other day with a bumper sticker stuck to his bumper that read: This bumper sticker came with the bumper. I wish it would have came with the car, too. I liked that guy, so I gave him a ride. -Jarod Kintz
The only time it's ok to push kids around is if they are on a playground merri-go-round. Or if they try to steal your toy car collection.
A man who stands for everything believes in nothing.
I don't care so much what people think about me, just that they think of me.
A person must be crazy if they only hang out with crazy people but think they are normal.
Kintzizmz, by Jarod Kintz
The pinnacle of every conversation is coming to the point.
Trees are so beautiful to me. I wish I could paint well because all I would paint is trees. Then all I would have to do is figure out how to frame an oak tree and hang it in my living room.
A tree with no branches is like a man with no arms or legs, although after you plant both in the ground, it takes longer to make a fort out of one than the other. "Hey, would you stop complaining and help me build this fort on your back? Oh, I forgot, you've got no arms. Sorry, mate."
I was angry yesterday when I waved at Amy Waverly and she didn't wave back. Then I remembered that she doesn't have any arms, so I calmed down a bit.
We got into an argument and he shouted at me, "Your ass is grass, and I'm the lawnmower." "Well," I quiped, "that explains it then. "Explains what?" He sneered. "It's clear to me now why everyone always pushes you around," I responded. -Jarod Kintz
I tried my hand at masturbation once. I was no good, so I kept practicing everyday, sometimes putting in double training sessions.
I wish tupperware made coffins. That way, when you exhume a loved one's body, it will be just as fresh as the day you killed them.
I never fall asleep on the job, but a lot of the time I go in I'm already asleep. I eat, drink, work and sleep when I'm asleep. I once slept through a plane crash. After that they revoked my pilot's license. -Jarod Kintz
The poet speaks and the shepherd listens. But he knows that words alone can not keep him warm, so he looks to his sheep. And the wisened shepherd also knows that words alone can't keep him company on those long nights up on the hill. So again, the shepherd turns to his sheep for companionship. -Jarod Kintz
When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, "That's funny, because my sperm was absent."
I teach myself new things all the time. Every day is like a self-taught class, even though I'm absent at least once a week. And the best excuses are the ones that I believe. I'm very gullible in my own mind.
For me, friends are like bridges. So if a friend asked me to jump off a bridge, I wonder if I'd do it, because essentially he'd be asking me to jump off of himself, right? But if friends really are like bridges to me, I wonder why I burn so many of them? Hmm, no matter. It's water under the friend.
If fake friends were hair, I'd be bald. But I'd have a toupee full of true friends. And I'd proudly wear them out in public, and treat them to the finest shampoos.
My best friend is also my right hand man. Well, actually, he is my right hand. Does that make it OK to sleep with him all the time?
I want to start a charity called, "Orphans for elephants," where we spread peanut butter on little orphan children who are allergic to peanuts and then feed them to the elephants. But don't be concerned for the orphans, they'll live a long time in the memories of the elephants. -Jarod Kintz
When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, "That's funny... because MY sperm was absent."
Trey, the Tree Hugger: Many innocent trees died to make the book, Emails From A Madman. But were they really innocent? This book is so good, I'd like to think they were guilty. Guilty of insidious crimes of a sexual nature. (Hey, I can fantasize, can't I?)
Trey, the Tree Hugger: Save a tree. don't use toilet paper as a nut rag. Jack off onto a mighty Oak (it's much rougher, but a lot more erotic, at least for me).
My ex girlfriend was as flat as a sheet, and just as easy to sleep with. First time I saw her I picked her up in a Laundromat.
Back when I was drinking a lot, I used to get so drunk that I'd throw a ball like a girl. But I'd just like to say that I don't throw women around anymore.
I don't understand guys who think that they can just trade in their girlfriends like cars after they get tired of them. Don't trade in your girlfriend, let some poor fool steal her.
Is there relationship insurance? You know, in case someone steals your significant other? If not, there should be.
If flip flops were oppressive, I wouldn't wear any. I'd go around showing of my bare feet of freedom. And I'd tell everyone that freedom causes blisters.
Tupperware Woman: Make your friendships last longer by covering your friends in salt and stuffing them in Tupperware containers. This is the best way to preserve your friendships.
I'm glad we're friends. Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.
A blanket won't help you get warmer if you throw it into the fire, unless you wrap yourself up in it before throwing it in.
For me, best friends are like blankets: they cover for you, they give you that warm feeling all over, and I always seem to lose them when I try to get more warmth out of them by throwing them into open fires.
Friends are like bridges: it's not good to burn them. -Jarod Kintz
There are two typos of people in this world, those who can edit and those who can't.
If there was a cheat sheet for life, with all of the answers in the universe, would God punish you for writing them all down on the bottom of your shoes, assuming they were large enough?
A false sense of fear is more productive than a false sense of security.
Determinism doesn't bring you success, determination does.
My grandfather's hair was as white as snow, except less yellow and more brown.
If courage were feces, before every fight I'd be oozing with bravery.
Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to be a coward, although I'm too much of a pussy to even act cowardly.
I know a legless man who loves plants. I remember one spring he married a shrub. Or was it a bush? I don't know. all I know is that I pushed both of them down the church aisle in a wheelbarrow. instead of throwing rice at them, we tossed mulch. His smile bloomed as bright and pink as the flowers of his bride. They are no longer together. It saddens me to think that their relationship was severed by something so senseless as a weed whacker.
Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as have one of them tell someone to F*ck off.
Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.
For men, money, like sex, is something that nearly everybody wants more of, and unless you are famous or influential, you probably have to work hard to get any.
For most Americans, money and calories are always on their minds, although they burn too much of one and not enough of the other.
What I lack in courage I more than make up for in underwear. I am possibly the bravest coward to ever go commando. -Jarod Kintz
Knowing that most of buffet resteruant patrons are obese, if there was a buffet that only served large portions of edible undies, I wonder how many Americans would eat there?
If there was a man with a chest as broad as the St Petersburg, would Rasputin have danced and partaken in an orgy on it? -Jarod Kintz
I had a great time on our date last night. I wanted Mexican, and you wanted Italian, but your solution was brilliant! I liked how you said we should pay separately, but I especially liked how you said we should eat separately too.
So how was the Italian restaurant? My Mexican place was OK. On my tacos I asked for the beef to be a little pink. I love pink tacos! But instead they were really crusty and stinky. I think you should leave your blinds open tonight, because I'd really love to se you again. Talk to you soon, Jarod
Dear Edmond, So for whatever reason I didn't get hired at that one sausage factory. However, I did obtain a public relations positions position at a competing sausage factory.
And you now who the big loser is when two sausage factories compete, right? The pigs, that's who. except for me. I'll be the winner in the pig costume as I hold up a sign for the sausage factory that didn't hire me as I stand on Southside Blvd during morning rush hour and throw bacon at the bumper-to-bumper cars. I asked if I could throw eggs too, but they said that'd be too much protein. I asked them if it was really egging a car if I scrambled them first? They didn't have an answer for me.
I start Monday morning. Can I borrow your car? ~Jarod
Dear Rufus, I'm just writing to remind you that Renaldo's birthday is coming up next month. I was thinking of renting him a midget for his birthday party, but since he is one himself it didn't seem that special.
So I thought if normal people like renting midgets, maybe midgets might like giants. Do you know if we have to pay per vertical inch, or by the hour? Do you think we could get one with scoliosis and then try to get a discount based on his abnormality? Or maybe we could get a fat giant and get a bulk discount, what do you think?
We need to start planning, so get back to me as soon as possible. ~Jarod
Dear Rufus, I recently ran into your grandmother on the casino boat. I heard she got into debt with the Russian Mafia. I saw one of them confront her about this on the boat, and when she slapped him and called him a Neanderthal, he threw her overboard.
I thought surely she would drown until I heard a loud thud and I realized that we were still docked. Anyways, I hope she's OK, and when she gets out of the hospital can you ask her if I can borrow her wheelchair for this coming weekend? I'll be going up to North Carolina and I want to see how fast I can get going down Sugar Mountain.
Thanks, Jarod
Dear Edmond, I know that you've been complaining for months that I haven't paid you for rent. And I feel really terrible about that, so I got up bright and early this afternoon to go apply for jobs. well, actually just one job, because I had to make a stop at Uncle Ted's Warehouse/Whorehouse of Characters. (I did not rent a prostitute, but rather a costume).
Oh, by the way, apparently someone knocked over your Zephyrhills container full of quarters onto the sofa at exactly the same moment that all the change that I had in my pockets fell into the cushions. I don't know how much change I had, or how much you had, so I just took a few handfuls to pay for the costume, as well as lunch, dinner, and some prophylactics.
Then it was off to apply at the sausage factory over on the west side of town. I think I really separated myself from my fellow applicants by coming in the costume of a pig. It shows I'm serious about sausage. And I am. I don't know anyone who is more serious about sausage other than myself. Well, there is Uncle Ted, who is always talking about porking someone, so he might be a little more serious about sausage. Well, wish me luck in getting a call back. ~Jarod -Jarod Kintz
He has all the social graces of a ladder, except he gets stepped on more often. That, plus he always just sort of hangs around in my garage.
Dear Rutherford, I just got back from West Virginia, and if the Tooth Fairy paid $100,000 dollars for every missing tooth, there'd be more millionaires per capita there than in any other state. I did have a lot of fun while I was there, although I made sure to never leave my car. I slept in the trunk rather than sleeping in any West Virginia hotel. What I lacked in legroom I more than made up for in good conversation (Ruprecht was with me). well, that's all that's new with me. What’s new with you? ~Jarod
Dear Wendell, I am happy to inform you that I am a proud resident of Aumberland county. Aumberland is the smartest county in the quad county area. The other counties, in order of intelligence, are Bumberland county, who are only averagely stupid. Cumberland county, who are significantly below moronic, as well as color blind. And finally, there is the aptly named Dumberland county. Dumberland county is probably the only county in the country where the stop lights are on the side walks, rather than the streets. This is because the sidewalk is always slammed with the shuffles of mentally slow residents in Dumberland county. Everybody walks because as you are aware, in order to ascertain a drivers license one must be able to take a test that involves reading. But the people here can't even spell their own names. They all sign their names with an "X," but have no idea that X is an actual letter of the alphabet. They all do it because Charles Albert X, the hero mayor, and son of the legendary Charles Albert IX, always signed his name "X." And the people picked up his habit without knowing why.
The people in Dumberland county can't even read the word "Stop" on a stop sign, so the signs were changed to simple blank red signs. That caused slight confusion to the color blind residents of Cumberland county who kept running the Stopless stop signs and running over Dumberland county residents. But we all here in Aumberland county felt that this was an added benefit to the situation, and could only benefit society. ~Jarod
Dear Prescott, This morning I woke up with a stuffy nose. I hate stuffy noses more than I hate anything else in this world (with the possible exception of when Lawrence blows his nose into my bologna sandwiches). I have also come to the conclusion that I have fat fingers. They were so fat that I couldn't even pick my own nose! I sure could have used your slender little lady fingers this morning (yes, both of them). So how's life treating the two-fingered Prescott? I heard that you took up playing the piano. I heard that whenever you play Chopsticks there's not a dry eye in the room. (Except for itchy scalp Linda, who suffers from constant dryness and who's always scratching herself. Hey, she's itchy!) But I know how you peck away at the keyboard, so if it takes you months to reply to this email I'll know why. I hope to hear back from you before my unborn children graduate from college (assuming they don't drop out in the pursuit of the glamorous life of a West Virginia coal miner.)
You really can tell a lot about a person by their shoes. My neighbor has horse feet, so he must be a jackass. That’s why I always steal his shoes and throw them at a metal steak across my back yard.
I once had a monkey for a best friend. We used to play together. I played with Legos, while he played with poop. As teenagers, I drank Boone’s Farm, and he’d drink X-Lax. We’re not friends anymore. I just got to the point where I couldn’t take any more of his shit. And forget about inviting him over for Christmas again. I’ve heard of a lump of coal in your stocking, but a lump of dump? I’ll kill a monkey. -Jarod Kintz
I feel that talent is the silence that rises above the clamor of the masses. And with more people trying their hand at online marketing, I wonder why we don't see more mimes becoming wildly popular?
Dexter, my lone mime comrade, I can envision a time, in the not so distant future, where anywhere you go the only sound I'll hear is not of your voice or footsteps (you are a very stealthy mime), but instead I'll hear the vibrations of a multitude of people all flocking to soak up your magnificent silence.
Success is silent, because it's always quieter at the top. And I suspect that in keeping up the silence, you won't reply to this email. Because you and I both know that, aside from the mindless prattle of the masses, nothing is louder than the written word, as it reverberates across one's mind.
I'm no chef, but I think I'm going to go into the restaurant/cafe business. When opportunity knocks, you pick up the phone. You know T.G.I. Fridays, right? The one that's in the shopping plaza where only two doors down is that little coffee shop we like, Lazy Sundays?
Well, I want to open up a cafe in the middle of those two called "Saturdays." and out slogan will be, "Saturdays, right in the middle of Friday's and Lazy Sundays, you dumbass."
The great thing is that Lazy Sundays is owned by an elderly Jewish couple, so it's not open on Saturdays. And I have Church every Sunday, so I'll be closed. So Sunday's closes on Saturdays, and Saturdays closes on Sundays. And Mr. Monday, the owner of Friday's, will be closing up Friday's on Tuesdays and Thursdays to focus all his attention on his new bar called, "Wednesdays." So, like an Amish stripper, every day of the week is fully covered. What do you think? ~Jarod
Dear Edmond,
Yesterday, while walking home from Wee Wee Wallace's Cleaning Supply/Costume Shop, I got caught in the rain. Fortunately, I was dressed in my new sponge costume. Then I decided to have a litle fun. I got some cardboard and stood by the side of the road with a sign that read, "Squeeze me."
That was cool until a homeless man in an orange costume came and stood right next to me with a sign that also read, "Squeeze me."
I was mortified. So I changed my sign to say, "Help clean up this city. Let's get rid of filthy homeless people who dress in costumes and hold up signs (Not me, I'm not homeless)."
Well, needless to say I barely made it out of there alive. I was chased home by about four hot dogs, three oranges, a milk carton, and at least seven condoms (all magnum).
So I guess my question is, what's the solution to poverty in this city? Should we outlaw people living in costumes? Should we burn all the costumes in this city and the people who live in them? I think we should send them all over to Costume county where they would have a much higher acceptance rate. What do you think? ~Jarod -Jarod Kintz
Florida must have larger bugs than any other state. This morning I stepped out of my front door, and there in my driveway, was a cockroach the size of a Volkswagen, although it was shaped more like a Geo Metro. And I had the police called on me for trying to step on it!
The officer accused me of denting the hood and roof. You know what really pisses me off? It's that people can get arrested for impersonating an officer, but why wasn't this officer ever arrested for impersonating a moron? (He was by far the most convincing moron impersonator I've ever seen).
I'm trying to successfully design and merge a full bar into a bathroom, but I can't quite get the color scheme down. I think want it subtle shades of brown, but to be sure I need to go around collecting more stool samples. -Jarod Kintz
The everyman in society is just a speed bump on the path to cultural enlightenment. He needs to wear a bright yellow shirt so as to be easily identified and either avoided or run over. -Jarod Kintz
The cow didn’t jump over the moon. The moon, which is made of cheese, dipped under the cow for a drink of milk, because The Man in The Moon was testing out whether or not he is in fact lactose intolerant. It turns out that he is, and that’s the reason the moon is so pale. Well, that and the fact that the moon only comes out at night and needs to get more sun.
Crash
You say the world is binary You are a one And I am a zero BR (Should have <> around it, but blogger wouldn't let me use html) Yes, that’s what you said. BR (Should have <> around it, but blogger wouldn't let me use html) Well, img_src="insert the properties of your photo here", (same thing here with the <>) All I have to say is goodbye and Delete. -Jarod Kintz
245 Comments:
I love your comics. they are really fresh and inspired.
-Brianna
He kind of looks like me, after a sweaty day at the park.
-Sammy
Your comics are great. Very unusual and apparently they appeal to nature lovers also.
Jimmy
As tony the tiger would say about these comics "They're grrrrrrreeaat!"
-A comic and cereal lover.
I read comics while going to the bathroom. I was reading yours the other day and lets just say due to the amount of laughing the end result was not pretty. It involved a mass amount of stitches and two weeks in bed-on my stomach. These comics are hilarious!
I love reading comics while making a poo. then, if the comic is bad, I wipe myself with it. Then I give it to my little brother to read.
-Maurice McFeces
If the walls have toes should we clip them?
Max
If they cut off the ears where would they put their 2 carat diamonds? I dont get it.
Usher
Man and woman are designed to go together. Whoever said this has obviously not gone to design school.
I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of it while I read tomorrow's newspaper.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend and I slept on the beach last night, and I'm still trying to get the sand off of my bunkbed.
-Jarod Kintz
To some staring at the computer screen is like gazing into the eyes of a lover. But the computer screen comes with a mute button.
There was once a giant flower that was an amazing basketball player. He played so much that he got dehydrated and died. His name was Wilt.
-Jarod Kintz
The rant is cheap when you live in a bar.
-Jarod Kintz
Is it better to help someone who can't help themselves, or someone who has the ability to help others? I don't know. But both are preferable to someone who helps themselves to whatever they want.
-Jarod Kintz
If time really were a river, I wish it were the Nile, because it would flow north, as opposed to south. I guess then we would be born old and then regress to infants before viciously being eaten by crocodiles.
-Jarod Kintz
It's fun to talk business over your dinner. Especially when you are eating your business partner.
-Jarod Kintz
I love to make pizza and throw the dough up way in the air. My favorite topping is compulsiveness.
If you live your life in a book the walls will always be closing in on you.
-Jarod Kintz
I got married in a blender. Now my other half is in a glass that's half full.
-Jarod Kintz
I enjoy planting so much I have started a garden. I have had to give it up though, attractive men don't seem to grow in florida soil.
Lauren Zimpel
to circumvent a booby trap, always dress like giant nipples.
-Jarod Kintz
Babe, the Ruth shall set you free.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is like investing. Sometimes it takes little or no money, just a lot of haggling.
-Jarod Kintz
Orgasms are like bananas: best in bunches.
-Jarod Kintz
In life there is no compass, you have to find your own direction. And don't use your penis as the guiding needle.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't want to be old and senile. I believe my body is a temple. And who wants to desecrate a temple by pissing all over it?
-Jarod Kintz
I hate going out in public with a mask on, I feel that I am decieving the world. But it is so much fun to scare little kids.
They say that when you see an opportunity you should seize it. But where do you put it?
Take pride in your workweek, not your weak work.
-Jarod Kintz
Strength rises from weakness like an erection in the night.
-Jarod Kintz
As an orange farmer I don't believe in mixing business with pleasure. That's why I drink my vodka strait.
-Jarod Kintz
Half of wat I write is garbage. But if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head.
-Jarod Kintz
When life gives you lemons, squeeze the hell out of your balls, and you'll forget all about your worldly troubles.
-Jarod Kintz
Someties opportunity doesn't knock, it rings the doorbell. and sometimes it even brings a pizza with it too.
-Jarod Kintz
College is filled with lots of girls who have no class.
-Jarod Kintz
I was so hungry my stomach was growling. so I decided to eat my own leg. Or was that a vicious wolf?
-Jarod Kintz
The governments pockets are deeper tan their knowlege of economics. Unfortunately, those are the people's pockets. That's why I don't wear any pants.
-Jarod Kintz
It's hard to brainwash a country when you can only fit three people in a dryer at one time.
-Jarod Kintz
Some people think nature is their God. I'd like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.
-Jarod Kintz
It's hard to get even when your odd. Thus sayeth the prime number who joined the circus.
-Jarod Kintz
Adam falls in time of nude.
-Jarod Kintz
Life is too funny for God not to exist. Who else would laugh at me smashing my penis with a hammer after thinking about nailing my neighbors wife?
-Jarod Kintz
Of course God exists. I spoke to him yesterday. He told me to tell you to bring some marshmallows to your funeral.
-Jarod Kintz
There is a man called Thomas Gaint, who paints pictures with blood on canvases made of human flesh. His pictures tell of suffering, mostly from the making of the canvases. But, no paint, no Gaint.
-Jarod Kintz
I've always envied bums in boxes. It makes it really easy to move.
-Jarod Kintz
sex is a beautiful thing. So is a sunset. Both can be enjoyed from a porchswing.
-Jarod Kintz
The future has a way of sneaking up behind you, like a midget in the night.
-Jarod Kintz
A deadline is a joyous occasion. One that calls for jump-roping. Or maybe skipping.
-Jarod Kintz
Learning is a curve best taken strait on.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm currently learning how to learn how to learn. It's such a sweeping learning curve I often circle back on myself.
-Jarod Kintz
An albino midget with two metal crutches and a wooden leg makes for a great barstool.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is great with anybody, so long as it's me.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is for extroverts. Masturbation is for introverts.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is best in pairs. I mean, who wants to watch bananas fornicate?
-Jarod Kintz
One plus one equals fornication. So does one plus three.
-Jarod Kintz
I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.
-Jarod Kintz
Fifty percent of what I say is only half true. The other fifty pecent is based on the first fifty percent, half the time.
-Jarod Kintz
A small fraction of the population doesn't even understand division. Yet they are the ones that multiply the fastest.
-Jarod Kintz
Your parents won't approve of you having sex, but your kids will.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend's breath stinks. Maybe she should take her foot out of her mouth more often.
-Jarod Kintz
It's bad luck to walk under an Arab ladder. A camel will piss on you.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes, sex is like applause. You've got to give yourself a hand.
-Jarod Kintz
Memories are like blankets: the best ones always seem to be warm and fuzzy.
-Jarod Kintz
I lay in the sun to lighten my hair and darken my skin. I consider it being productive. That way I am killing all of my bodies follicles at once.
i lay in the sun to give myself an even tan. (and i brazilian wax) after tai bo class i like to compare my ass with others. my biggest pet peeve is having the whitest ass in the shower.
Maybe you should start taking an albino Donkey with you.
RoRoUrBoat
RoRoUrBoat,
I am in the market to buy an albino donkey. Can you recommend an honest used donkey dealer? Mike Ramos loves riding donkeys. I'll let him know you want to let him ride that donkey.
Yours Truly,
Jarod Kintz
My donkey's name is Peanuts, and he's 118 years old. He's not very fun to ride, but if Mike would like to ride my donkey, I wouldn't say no! As for an albino donkey dealer, my roommates dad sells lemons, I've heard donkeys love lemons.
RoRoUrBoat
RoRoUrBoat,
Mike and I love to swing, but not in the Arizona heat. You'll have to come to Florida to get wet. I'd love to squeeze your lemons, and Mike likes it juicy.
Yours,
Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz,
Don't lie. You know that you are a fan of squeezing bananas. I have seen you sneaking around the monkey cages of the zoo you were kicked out of last year.
Larry
I'll hitch up Peanuts to the carriage and be on my way. What are you doing in about two weeks? With an albino donkey you should be able to see me comein, that and miner hat that my donkey wears.
RoRoUrBoat
RORoUrBoat,
I'm coming to meet you. I'll skip classes. I'm bringing my friend Zeno. We'll meet you halfway. If you'r bringing the Peanuts, I'll bring the Coke.
Until We Meet,
Jarod Kintz
I happen to like watching bananas fornicate thank you very much! But only if it is with a peach.
I'm not anti-banana, I just get tired of carrying them around in my pockets. But when you hang out in a zoo, you kind of half to. Peaches are fine. They make me feel fuzzy and warm inside.
-Jarod Kintz
I have jumped hoops, played from the corner to the back, set goals and ran laps, all to be on par, in my game of Parchesi.
Lauren Zimpel
I have reached Texas in my journey to meet you. I shot an elephant in my pajamas this morning. I tried to remove his tusks, they were in pretty tight. Too bad it wasn't an Alabamian elephant, their tusks are loser.
Can't wait to meat you,
RoRoUrBoat
RoRoUrBoat,
The Ukraine gets cold this time of year. A man with two arms is not as good as a man with fifty. But they have to be powerful. I don't like to arm wrestle, but Yuri does. Unfortunately, your boat might sink if you do not paddle faster. Remember our date, I don't like to be stood up when I am standing on my arms. My wallet is thin, just like my patience. Only the Viktor can survive a no show. Look to the billboards to see the sign. The man with fifty arms always points in the right direction. Don't wear a watch, no man shall know the hour of his death, as it is written in the contract with the big boss. But if you show up on time, you will meet the man who fishes with blood at another time. Bring a suitcase, and pack wisely, and don't forget my socks. As a shark smells blood, so I smell deceit. And nobody brings me dirty socks.
-Jarod Kintz
George,
you still don't trust me? Your father and I go way back, I am fully aware of his methods of motivation. I am just a butler, and your socks will always be clean. But I only have two hands, it is you who give me the strong arms for which to defend myself. For that I am eternally grateful. Was the albino donkey as good as I promised? Tell Ivan if he wants to make some instant coffee, he knows how to get in touch with me. The man with the umbrella is always open to suggestions. I roll with the punches like a boxer on a tricycle. The ring is not yet been broken, and the ref has been bought. Vlad wants in on the action, but I told him to ask you. Like a chewed rope, he's a-frayed. Tomorrow you should have my answer yesterday. I'll call you tonight. take it easy on Vlad, he means well.
-Jarod Kintz
What does it mean to be in love? I think it is like falling into a tank of oil, surrounded by darkness, with only a match to light the way. When it strikes, it is all consuming.
-Jarod Kintz
When I said that being in love was like falling into oil, I was speaking hypothetically. I don't know many people that have been there before. Except John and Patty Goosefur, who after fifty years of marriage, burned to death while their son gave commentary as he filmed it.
-Jarod Kintz
My love is a red, red Rosen named Thornton.
-Jarod Kintz
Love is like a snake. It has a way of humbling you so you wish you were on your knees.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is best when wrathful. Also, when there is a bathful.
-Jarod Kintz
Being in love is like standing in the middle of a carwash. In the begginning you feel so warm, wet and steamy but before you know it you are getting hit from every side as if everything you had grown accustomed to suddenly was being stripped from your vulnerable body. Then, in the end, the inevitable happens, you get burned by hot wax.
Lauren Zimpel
Lumber Jackass. You bring the donkey I'll bring the wood.
-Jarod Kintz
I'll bring peanuts!
Everybody could use more friends. But don't use them too much, you don't want to lose them.
-Jarod Kintz
I like having the family over for the hollidays. Over seas.
-Jarod Kintz
If I were to drink water from the Fountain of Youth, and then pee it into your mouth as you drink it, would you instantly grow old?
-Jarod Kintz
I knew a homeless man who ran a business out of his home. I think he sold boxes.
-Jarod Kintz
If a homeless man starts selling boxes to other homeless people, is he a real estate agent of sorts?
-Jarod Kintz
There are many religions out there with many similarities. I want to find all the similarities and then start a new one based on differences. For example, I don't think there is a religion out there that prohibits the use of pants, or the use of raw fishes as profylactics. Well, there needs to be. Because Fish and sex makes love really stink.
-Jarod Kintz
I never lie about lying, except when I'm telling the truth about lying. Well, no, that's a lie. Or was it?
-Jarod Kintz
Love is like smashing your fist through a five-foot block of ice. It's easier when it you let it melt with the sunshine.
-Jarod Kintz
The last time I took home two women from the bar I ran out of gas before dropping off the second girl.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to go door-to-door selling doors. But not just any door, a new anti-door-to-door salesman door. The doorbell, once pushed, distributes electromagnetic shock to the pusher.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to find the good in any situation, and I'll pull out every dressor drawer and slash every sofa cushion in your home to find it. Even if you are having sex on the couch at the time.
-Jarod Kintz
You know how they have dog whistles that only dogs can hear? I want to make a madman megaphone that projects jokes only the insane find funny.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate being rudely interrupted by silence, especially during a well-timed fart.
-Jarod Kintz
World's 77th greatest DAD!!!
-Jarod Kintz
Journalists don't have sex in the missionary position, or doggystyle. They don't even like horse and carriage or the frog. They prefer the inverted pyramid.
-Jarod Kintz
A man hasn't exhausted all his options until he's taken his own life. And, judging by the way of life of most Americans, this is the best possible course for many individuals.
-Jarod Kintz
I first realized I was in love when I saw my ex-girlfriend naked. That's when I broke up with her and called my current girlfriend.
-Jarod Kintz
The killer didn't have a safety button on his gun, so he wore a condom on his trigger finger for protection.
-Jarod Kintz
This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed we woke up the neighbors. I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.
-Jarod Kintz
you are ___more beautiful than a zebra horticulturist wearing leapard panties and Wave Farrers____.
You make me __feel all giggly inside like I just ate a clown_____.
You should ___never go dancing with a man with no feet____.
Someday I will ___make you my wife's best casserole___.
You + me =___someone with four arms and legs and two heads_____.
If I saw you now I'd __probably have the world's strongest binoculars and be sitting in the world's tallest tree________.
I would build a __bridge out of used matches _____ just for you.
I would get your name tattooed on my ___pet elephant, Bruno_______.
If I could sing you any song it would be ___a song only audible to non human ears______.
We could __flop like fish________ under the stars.
My love for you is like that of __orchid for Mountain Dew__________.
Love,
______Your biggest non-industrial fan_________
(P.S. __if you go with me I'll save you money on your air conditioning bill____________.)
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Rinaldo,
I had a wonderful time with you last night. However, I did find it a little rude that you sneezed on my cat and then proceeded to blow your nose in her fur. Don't you know that's what my sleeve is for? Anyways, I did have fun donning a helmet and riding on your back as we rode headlong into the wind on your beautiful blue unicycle.
Yours Truly.
Jarod Kintz
The wind blue like a smurf.
The guy who wakes up next to you every morning has got to be the luckiest man in the world. And the guy who wakes up next to him would have to be the second luckiest man.
-Jarod Kintz
Papa Smurf's turf is blue not green.
Everything is better in blue. Most importantly, sex is better in blue. If you see sex on TV, it's 1/3 blue sex, based on the fact that TVs are made up of three colors: red, green, and blue. So sex on TV is only a third as great as it could be, I feel, and could be much better if only it were all in blue. And what they say is true: once you go blue, you never go green or red.
-Jarod Kintz
Flipper might have said: You can find me lounging around in the water here in beautiful, sunny Florida. Did you know dolphins, like people, have sex for fun? And if you've ever seen me swim, you know I can work my hips. Come take a dip with me. It'll be the ride of your life.
-Jarod Kintz
Flipper might have said:
All those water traffic police. Those living speed bumps who give their lives enforcing boating speed limits. Assuming we both had hands, I'd like to give every manatee a firm handshake.
-Jarod Kintz
The Keebler elf might have said: I make cookies and I make love, and I'm great at both. I'm a chef and a sex god. Chocolate and sex, I provide women with what they want. And I'll provide it all night long, if that's what you desire. Indulge your fantasies. I know I do.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to meet a cannibal cookie, and eat him before he eats me.
-Jarod Kintz
An orchestra of oven timers going off is music to my ears. A song that not only sounds beautiful, but tastes great too.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish my love was all the water in the oceans. I'd have enough love for everyone, except all those who tried to drink up and subsist on my salty love, because the more they'd drink, the thirstier they'd become. And for those people, I'd laugh at their death, because I have no love for stupid people.
I'm a socialist of sorts, an odd kind of socialist. I wish we could evenly distribute the wealth in America. Every other person would get money, and every odd person would get none.
Never trust a man you can't fit in your pocket. Either avoid fat men, or get deeper, wider pockets.
For my birthday last year, I came home to find 16 monkeys in my living room. Apparently my friends misheard me when I told them I wanted piles and piles of money for my birthday. Oh I got piles and piles of something all right, and I spent nearly an hour cleaning up my carpets and walls.
Death waits on no man, and neither do I. But I'll sure wait on a beautiful woman.
Life can be considered a negotiating process. And death is the closing of the deal. But dying is the worst kind of business deal because death is impatient. Death waits for no man, yet man is expected to wait his whole life for death. Who needs that kind of business transaction? That's why I think suicide is the ultimate entrepreneurial act. You decide when, where, and how you want to die. Unfortunately though, I don't think suicide pays off as much in the long run.
He was an interesting man. He was wise for an Italian. He was a lasagna of light, with layers of illumination. And I felt enlightened just eating him.
People forget that there are two parts to art: skill and inspiration. Skill is just that, it's the ability to carry out your concept. Fortunately, if you don't possess the skill, you can get it with lots of time and hard work. Inspiration, on the other foot, is the talent, genius and conceptuality of art. It is what drives the truly great art. You either have it or you don't. And if you don't, you can't simply put in the time to get it. Ideas are the most important aspect to art. Skill is just the beast of burden, the manual laborer, which actually makes the piece. But there would be no piece if there were no grand idea, no architect. There would be no concept for which to start working towards. And art with no concept is no art. No matter how skilled, it's just not art. Scribbling on a canvas is not art. One might even argue that it lacks skill.
I met a man who was afraid of crops. He also had a phobia of a certain shape, circles to be exact. But I didn't understand him, he was completely alien to me.
I don't fish, but my old boss was a fisherman. One day, after hearing one of his big fish tales, I called him out about it. He got offended and said that he was Scottish, and the Scots were famous for not exaggerating. (insert pic. of Loch Ness monster)
I used to want a gold Rolex the size of Texas, but then I realized it wouldn't be big enough for me. Because I want all the time in the world, I'd need a watch with exactly the same dimensions as the earth. And if you've ever seen my skinny wrists, you'd know there's no way my wrists could accommodate such a time piece.
I try to keep a perspective on life by always being thankful I procrastinated yesterday, and remembering that tomorrow may never come. That leaves today for me to leave it all until the day after tomorrow, which, hopefully, will get rescheduled until next Tuesday, the first day of my weekend.
-Jarod Kintz
A shoe can't read books because it can't turn the pages. And it has no fingers, and its only friends are toes.
-Jarod Kintz
Abe Lincoln might have said, My top hat was large enough to pull a rabbit out if it. But the only thing I pulled with that hat were high class whores. God I loved that hat.
-Jarod Kintz
Bill Clinton might have said, Every single American who voted me into office is my hero. Especially the single women.
-Jarod Kintz
The quickest way to make money is, has, and will always involve vices, e.g. gambling, guns, prostitution and drugs. If Mexico does make it legal to sell drugs there, it will drastically change the dynamic of the country. First off, these street thugs that push drugs will still remain street vendors. Their status won't change. What will change is who runs the drugs. It will be like Vegas in the 60s. It will change from Mafia to Corporate America. Big money will come in and take over and reap all the benefits. It will become a huge tourist destination, but many Mexicans will be pissed because they will be exploited and passed over with the big profits just like thy are here. They will become our beasts of burden, only they won't have to hop the border to do it. Instead of pushing lawn mowers they will be pushing our drugs. I am neither for nor against it, it's not my home. If they do pass it, they can expect a lot of change, I just hope they know what kind of players will show up with open checkbooks to buy in to the business.
-Jarod Kintz
American Farmer: I'm tired of people eating the fruits of my labor.
Alcohol is like Kanye West's music: too much will leave you nautious. And by too much I mean six double shots, or six seconds.
WFKE: Your real source for fake news.
Bubba's Parks: We have the finest trailer parks in Georgia.
-Jarod Kintz
Bubba's Parks says thanks for the add. Don't be ghetto, be trailer trash!
-Jarod Kintz
Gangsta Shoe
Every day before work, my stomach was tied in knots. Hitting the streets all day long was what I did. I didn't make myself a white running shoe with green laces and trim, I was just made like that. I was a street runner, a true hustler. I didn't want to be dirty, I just was. One day, while I was bitch slapping the pavement, and pounding my product, someone asked me if I lace my green. I told that Busta, "Bitch, you know I lace dat shit." Soon after I got all tripped up and shit. All of the sudden I had mothafuckas knockin' at my box. I got evicted from my closet and kicked to the curb. I aint never stepped out of line, and I always be holdin' my tongue back. I may be a used shoe, but I aint never been used like that before. I had a damn good life, too. Even though I aint no Mormon, I had seven cotton wives, one for each day of the week. All were white and filthy, just like me. I aint seen my brotha neither, not since we used to run these streets. And we did. We ran these streets. But now I know who really run these streets. The Man run these muthafuckin' streets.
A Saga of Scandal
By Bruce The Butler
His socks are extra large,
if you know what I mean,
and he's such a prude
that he has them dry cleaned.
But today I found a sock
not in his top drawer,
but in the sweet-smelling chambers
of our sassy maid whore.
I suspect my master has a mistress,
as there were sex stains on her sheets,
and last night, groans of pleasure no less,
and even bursts and splashes of shouts.
Oh, I can hardly wait til supper to rub one out,
as I'm sure Chef Le Balle will let
me season his tasty white trout.
-Jarod Kintz
THe Splendor of the Blender: THe things that excite the senses the most are the things you ought not get mixed up with.
-Jarod Kintz
Our relationship was hot like a flame broiled hamburger until fate split us in two. You see, I like cheese and pickles, and she only likes ketchup. And I can't morally date a girl who doesn't like cheese and pickles.
The only time I'll get into the ocean is if the world sets itself on fire.
My ex girlfriend was like a sock, she just disappeared one day. One minute I was shoving her into the dryer, and the next minute she had vanished. If I could only see her now, I'm sure this has put a stain on our relationship.
The truth is like a cat: It will sleep safely in the sunshine, and it can see through the darkness.
Negative thoughts are like elephants: they are too big to let wander in an open mind, and they will trample the grass lands of your dreams.
I was the leader and organizer of a one man anti-social rally. The turnout was more than I expected, considering the meeting was at 7:00 in the morning and I never thought I'd get up in time. I was going to offer free doughnuts and coffee as incentives for everyone who showed up, but I didn't see how that was possible. I ended up paying for the doughnuts.
Knowing that time is money, I want to start managing my time like big companies manage their money. I want to outsource sets of 60 seconds to guys in India who will work for ten seconds on the minute, and accomplish nearly what I would accomplish in a fraction of the time. Big companies save money this way, why can't I also save time like that? Americans, myself included, are far too expensive and lazy to be efficient.
Is it so far ahead of the curve that you circle back on the crowd?
A-Fish-In-Sea is not splashing around in the waves, but it's riding the current and utilizing the momentum of nature.
The future is nothing more than the past in reverse. Except it's more like driving with no rear view mirror, and having your eyes gouged out and ear drums popped. The most you can feel are vibrations that may or may not be vital.
-Jarod Kintz
There were 17 dark Mexians in a white car with a yellow luggage bin on top. It looked like a speeding bean and cheese burrito, and it was being shuttled by a Butler who's a Brit, complete with the bad teeth and a snobby smirk. But they are on their way to China town to meet two guys named Chin (also called Double Chin), and Mr Fu. Mr. Fu wants to team up with the Mexicans and make fortune burritos.
But first, which came first, the chicken, or the egg drop soup?
-Jarod Kintz
There were 17 dark Mexians in a white car with a yellow luggage bin on top. It looked like a speeding bean and cheese burrito, and it was being shuttled by a Butler who's a Brit, complete with the bad teeth and a snobby smirk. But they are on their way to China town to meet two guys named Chin (also called Double Chin), and Mr Fu. Mr. Fu wants to team up with the Mexicans and make fortune burritos.
But first, which came first, the chicken, or the egg drop soup?
-Jarod Kintz
If the truth hurts sometimes, then there's nothing more honest than kicking a loved one in the balls.
Sometimes it can take a lifetime to develop patience. Unfortunately, my impatients will probably kill me first.
The patient man waits to make a wise decision before he makes a move. The impatient man makes a move then waits to see if he made a wise decision. Two different philosophies, and quite likely two very different outcomes.
Winning is like a pile of shit: You never want to rub it in someone's face after you do it, even if they are a terrible loser.
Men are like birds: God gave us wings in the form of imagination so that we may fly from the bottom of our minds to the top of the sky, quite literally. The Wright brothers were no different than great artists or writers; they all had/have a jet-powered imagination.
-Jarod Kintz
Thomas Edison was right. My inspiration is my perspiration--lots of it. I keep buckets of my sweat around. I find it helps me think. 99 buckets of perspiration for every 1 bucket-sized inspirational thought.
-Jarod Kintz
"If my anger were an anus, you'd be the guy trying to insert a can of Cheese Wiz and a box of Ritz crackers up my asshole, without even considering whether I wanted a can of soda to follow it up."
"All we have is Pepsi, is that OK?"
"Yeah, that's fine."
I wish all the sadness of the world were encapsulated in all the peanuts that go into the peanut butter of every Reces Pieces. I say this because there would be no more sadness in the world, because what peanut wouldn't happily want to be crushed and smothered by chocolate? I know I would, and I'm only a Mr. Peanut impersonator.
Sadly, sadness isn't like water on a dog, something you can just shake off. It's more like paint, it eventually just wears off. And although I haven't actually sanded and painted a dog yet, I don't think dogs can just shake sadness off either.
-Jarod Kintz
I never keep elephants in my closet, they'd crush all the skeletons there.
-Jarod kintz
If Jello were a person, I just might convert to cannibalism, and I'd have no problem eating a family of six.
If Jello were a stripper, I'd pay good money to see her shake and jiggle that ass. Then I'd take her home with me and stuff her in my fridge, or maybe even spend all my time with her spooning.
If Jello were a politicina, he'd conform himself to the exact shape of every policy. And he'd give you such a good feeling in your stomach that you'd just have to vote for him.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd never make a good mystery shopper. It's no secret if I want to buy something or not. I'd make a better mystery cashier because I'd never show up for work.
-Jarod Kintz
The best things in life always seem to be green. Money, ereralds, Gumby, and of course, me--Green Jello. I'm a chill sort of guy, and I can adapt to my surroundings. I can be molded to be exactly the sort of man you want me to be. If you want a really square kind of guy, I can be that. If you want a playful guy who has many sides and shapes, I can be that for you too. Another man might get into your heart, but nobody will get into your stomach as smoothly as I will. I'm the Don Juan of the fridge. also, I don't dance, I just sort of jiggle and shake my ass. I won't leave my bowl and head out to the dance floor by myeself, you'll have to literally carry me out there. If I meet you at the bar or club, and you think I'm going to have sex with you on the first night you are beyond wrong. The most you can hope for is lots of spooning ;) I don't date women who are powderheads, women who are into nose candy. If you and I are ever going to mix, you've got to bring the water.
-Jarod Kintz
Even if the person you are talking to has amnesia, it's a good habit to never tell the same joke twice. Unless you have amnesia, then feel free to reread this as often as once every five seconds. Did you already forget what i was talking about? Go back to the beginning of this paragraph to find out.
There's too uch violence in the vodka. Stir it up, don't shake it.
Computers are way too expensive. in the old days, when i got a letter in the mail that made me mad, I'd simply burn it. But now, when I get an email that irks me, I have to stop myself from dowsing my PC with kerosine and lighting it on fire. I've replaced too many e machines like that.
It's not acceptable to burn an American flag, but is it ok to burn a computer with an image of an American flag on the screen?
In relationships, acts of trust are the bricks that build the foundation, while the cement is the bond that holds the body of your ex to the bottom of the pond.
Good relationships can last a lifetime. So can bad ones, if the two people kill each other.
I like dating a girl with high standards. It shows she knows how to break her own rules.
When seeking advice, in any aspect of life, it's best to consult an expert. So if you want to find out all about inefficiency, talk to someone in a government agency.
"Kintz, is that German?"
"Sure is."
"Who's German?"
"My dad is."
"Does he speak German?"
"No, and he doesn't speak to me either"
(Two guys standing in an empty field with a sign that says, "There's a lot for sale here.")
"There's nothing here."
"I know, it's perfect. You can build whatever you want."
"But if there is nothing here, how can there be a lot?"
"We're standing on it."
"We're standing on nothing?"
"No, a lot."
"A lot of what? A lot of grass and weeds?"
"Yeah and the dirt and land that goes with it."
"You must be a really simple man if that's what you call a lot."
"I am, and it is."
"OK, I'll take it."
A criminal can't escape if the prison is in his own mind. Serving a psychological sentence of a year is probably harder than serving a lifetime sentence behind bars. This would also reduce overcrowding in the prison system, and the criminal wouldn't be cramped in his new surroundings because statistically criminals minds are vastly empty.
It's been said that children are the future. I believe that this is true. Based on that, I can conclusively deny the existence of children, since there is no future in the present, and therefore children do not really exist yet. But that means we have a growing problem in the world. We have a rising population of people, who are unidentified, except in the fact that they are really small and uneducated. And these new people have the highest percentages of unemployment out of anywhere in the world, outside of the ghettos, of course.
-Jarod Kintz
People who live a long life and die of natural causes are lazy. They should take some initiative and kill themselves.
I won't date a girl who has noodles for brains, unless she has hair as red as pasta sauce. Mmmm, if lust were hunger, I'd be a citizen of Zimbabwe right now.
There was once a deaf and mute man who was too hungry for words to describe, probably because he had already eaten all of his fingers. When I first met him I told him I was a magician, and when he died that night I prmised to show up at his funeral. I didn't show up, but all his friends just thought that it was part of my act. In fact, I'm not a magician at all. I work in the produce section of the local grocery store. But sometimes I pull a magicians act at work and don't show up for days in a row. My managers love it. They can't figure out how I do it. The secret is not getting out of bed in the morning, and I am a master at that.
There was once a man who ran marathons wearing only cowboy boots and a pink robe. I knew this man well, but now he is mentally ill. He is now as mentally unstable as a dream about ten bowling balls stacked on the top of the cell phone of an old man in a wheel chair with only one wheel, only the man in the cowboy boots doesn't get pushed around as much. I knew him from way back from before, up until slightly after. It's not about the five seconds we knew each other, it's about what he said. I was standing in the buffet line and walks up and mutters to me, "Whatever you do, don't try the fish." And I didn't. But I did recommend it to my girlfriend. The man with the pink robe was right.
-Jarod Kintz
What is the meaning of life? I believe I found the meaning of life the other day. I found it in my chicken salad sandwich. So there I was, sitting at the booth in Panera, and as I was adding yellow mustard to my sandwich, I noticed a tiny shimmering object mixed in with the chicken salad. I lowered my head to get a closer view and what did I find? It was nothing short of the most miraculous big toe toenail I have ever seen. It was the longest and thickest nail that my eyes have ever laid feast on. And then it hit me: we are all lonely toe nails floating in this chicken salad world of ours, waiting to be eaten by the unknown. So I covered up the nail with my bread and proceeded to eat from the sandwich of knowledge. Adam had his fruit that enabled him to see a different perspective on the world, and I had my toe nail.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm sure glad that bugs aren't U.S. citizens, because there are so many of them that they'd dominate the polls on election day. Even if every person took the time to step on four bugs on their way to the polls, the bugs would still have the numbers to win the election.
Cigarettes are evil. Not only are they going around killing a lot of people, but I'm sure they are responsible for a lot of forest fires too.
-Jarod Kintz
If you had a grape for a head I'd love to smash your face. or I'd take you to the beach, leave you out in the sun, and then laugh at your shrunken raisin head.
Reece Witherspoon's legs forked wide open.
-Jarod Kintz
Never trust a three-armed banker. It's just one more hand he'll try to get into your pocket.
-Jarod Kintz
There was a baby born in a bucket. he was entirely too pail.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't kneed you like i kneed bread. I need you like I need water.
More recently, a cyprys tree attacks banker outside of branch.
Man attacks shark. Shark vows to never surf again.
-Jarod Kintz
The air asaulted my mouth, or maybe that was the fist that the breeze bashed against my lips, whose sting reverberated and vibrated like the wings of a bee after a strike. Or maybe it was more like the shock waves of a union on strike. No! That was no wind current that blew the blow that slew the blood from my lips, it was my current boss, "Angry Blue" is what I call him, he's the bossman who struck me. He struck me odd at least, because I'm self employed, a one-man business, in a two piece business suit, and I have the power to pass the pain down to my employees, asuming they don't quit on me now. I have two great employees working under me now who really move my business along. One second one of them is a leader and the other is following at exactly one step behind, and the next moment the other is leading with the first one following at precisely a step behind. They move at the pace I dictate, as dictated to me by "Angry Blue," but the moment they stop working is the moment I stop moving forward. I'd say a union is a body of like minded organisms who clump together to give power to their cause. It was my policy, open to all my employees, in my one-man entrepeneurial venture, to establish a union to maximize the benefit of the whole. And of the whole benefit, the complete profit, I take half, and I give the other half to my employees who keep me moving forward.
-Jarod Kintz
In a man's eyes, the beauty of a woman is in direct proportion to the quality and abundance of other females in the vicinity. An average woman becomes the object of lust if she is either the only woman in the room, or if she is in the company of ugly women.
Everyone wants to be the champion of a great cause, but I want to be the champion of a great effect.
It'd make a funnier story to write about the loser of a great effect, rather than the champion of a great cause.
-Jarod Kintz
It's sad to meet a child from a broken home. I wish i could give them all the glue in the world to help them put their houses back together.
I've met the blind, the deaf, and the fingerless. But of all the senses to lose, the most dangerous to your health would have to be the loss of your sense of common.
-Jarod Kintz
The sun sprang into the sky
the same way a turtle jumps
on a rabbit's back, and the clouds were as thick as ripples in a lake at dawn. She swung limp
on the swing like the metal
ball of a pendulum, her smile
as dim as a burnt out light bulb, only costs more to replace.
Her blonde hair was clumped together like wet noodles
on a prairie of dry papers,
which rested on a muscular desk that is crouched in the closet
of my imagination like a fat man who is stuffed in a vending machine packed with candy bars
and unpaid parking tickets.
And then she was gone, like
the fish on my line,
and the end of the line
in this poem. And all I could do is put my pen down and watch
the rising dawn while I fell asleep dreaming of candy bars
and unpaid parking tickets.
-Jarod Kintz
My schedule is as flexible as a thirteen year old whore.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish people had door handles on their foreheads. Then, when I encountered a mentally disturbed person, I would simply hang a DO NOT DISTURB sign on their forehead handles.
If you were a near sighted bug, I'd gladly let you observe the bottom of my shoe.
Even a retard can deceive a retard, but it takes a real genius to convince a retard he should fool himself.
They say men think with their dicks. I think that is true of most men. Wouldn't it be marvellously productive if men also thought with their hands? Man, I'd get some really deep thinking done at least twice a day then.
-Jarod Kintz
I think people should paint not with a brush, but with a banana. it'd give the painting much more of a texture.
I painted a picture without using a paint brush, instead I used a toothe brush. And it was a monochromatic picture--the only color I used was mint. This way, if I'm ever forced to eat my own painting, I'll be fighting gingivitis also.
-Jarod Kintz
New form of war: an army of sexy underwear, and girls modeling them, meant to save blood on the battlefield by redirecting it to the penis. This tactic also renders the enemies mind as useless as a thirteen year old boy's mind.
-Jarod Kintz
New form of war: an army of sexy underwear, and girls modeling them, meant to save blood on the battlefield by redirecting it to the penis. This tactic also renders the enemy's mind as useless as a thirteen-year-old boy's mind.
-Jarod Kintz
Being patient saves a person a lot of time. By sitting and waiting, you are accumulating a lot of time that you normally would be out spending. So patience is like a piggy bank for time. And, if time is money, it's also a greater return on your investment, because the patiently made decisions carry you further into the future and tend to be more efficient as well.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish I could read people's minds, because I like to underline when I read, and I've always wondered what yellow highlighter would look like on gray matter.
-Jarod Kintz
Man, you're a good crowd tonight. I did just refer to you as a crowd. I'm learning from the Army. they have an army of one, where I seek out crowds of one. Are ten army guys standing in a group, ten armies of one, or an Army of ten? or Ten guys in an Army, or Ten guys that are part of the Army? or maybe they are Ten Armys that are part of a larger Army? anyways, you are such a good crowd of one, that I am recommending you for promotion.
-Jarod Kintz
"I'll send my poem as soon as I get those t-shirts. haha j/k I gotta go look it up."
"Oh, quid pro quo, huh?"
"You got it."
"Haha yeah, well that clearly doesn't work because Latin as a language died because of such silly notions."
-Jarod Kintz
If my love for you were a piece of art, it'd be Warhol's painting of a Campbell's soup can...you'd always leaving me wanting more
-Jarod Kintz
Sex, like business, is better when you work it yourself.
-Jarod Kintz
Do you agree, or disagree with this statement? "Sex, like business, is better with multiple partners."
Used Car Salesman: Depends on how big the backseat of the car in the business deal is.
-Jarod Kintz
Warriors united for senseless violence and the right to pillage and rape.
-Jarod Kintz
Muhummed Ali "floats like a butterfly, and stings like a bee," but he's just a little bug that wouldn't even make a splatter upon history's windshield.
-Jarod Kintz
Muhammed Ali calls himself the greatest ever. He had an empire of one. I'd like to arrange the introduction between Alexander The Great's sword and Muhummed's neck.
-Jarod Kintz
Alexander the Great might have said, "Two people I like to run through with my sword: Oliver stone, and even worse to me is Muhummed Ali. Who is Muhummed Ali to call himself the greatest? He had an empire of one. he twitches now. He fought not with his brain (he has an IQ of 40), but with his head. Literally. He just took a beating until his opponent got tired of working his face, and then he'd win the fight. How moronic is that? No wonder he shakes more than a fine piece of ass at the club now. And Oliver isn't so bad to me, he just mangled my story a bit. But at least he did get Anthony Hopkins to play Ptolemy, and that pleased me. So maybe I wouldn't kill him like I would with Muhummed Ali. He "floats like a butterfly, and stings like a bee," but he's just a little bug, that wouldn't even make a splatter upon history's windshield. No, no, my friends. Do not be fooled. I am the greatest ever."
-Jarod Kintz
Muhammed Ali: The Greatest ever? He had an empire that was one 80th of his IQ. That's right, he had an empire of one.
-Jarod Kintz
Who is Muhummad Ali to call himself the greatest ever? Muhummad Ali said he was the greatest. History has said I was Great. I had an great empire and a great IQ, while he had neither. Muhummad Ali had an empire that was 1/80th of his IQ. But its hard to run an empire of none, aside from himself, even when you have an IQ that reaches as high as 80. But look at him. He twitches now. He fought not with his brain (he has to have at IQ at, or below 80), but with his head. Literally. He just took a beating until his opponent got tired of working his face, and then he'd win the fight. How moronic is that? No wonder he shakes more now than a fine piece of ass at the club. And Oliver isn't so bad to me, he just mangled my story a bit. But at least he did get Anthony Hopkins to play Ptolemy, and that pleased me. So maybe I wouldn't kill him like I would with Muhummad Ali. He "floats like a butterfly, and stings like a bee," but he's just a little bug that wouldn't even make a splatter upon history's windshield. No, no, my friends. Do not be fooled. I am the greatest ever.
-Jarod Kintz
Used Car Salesman:
Damian, have I got the car for you. Fresh out of the impound. Some crack dealer couldn't make payments. I guess crackheads were low on funds last month. If this car was a vase, it'd be full of steaming piss it's so hot. I even took the liberty of urinating on the floor board as soon as it got on the lot. You don't even need air fresheners, as it now smells like asparagus. Of course the CD player is busted. You know, that little slit that you put the CD in is tiny. The manufacturers should really encourage a person not to try to angrily shove the heel of their boot in there. So there was a hole in the console, but I patched that up with duct tape (duct tape works on everything from car maintennence to kidnapping--not that I'd know anything about the former). Then I went ahead and punched other random holes all across the dash and patched them also with duct tape just to give it uniformity. Damn, I should have been a designer. So come on by, she'll be waiting for you.
-Jarod Kintz
Warranties are for suckers. And suckers are for little children. And little chilren are for the women folk, so I don't even deal with them. I'm not gay, I'm just efficient (although you'd think I am with my keen eye for style). There's only one priority in my life, and that's selling the idea of quality cars. Of course I sell total junk, but in concept they are beautiful machines. I could sell a pasty piece of shit to a shoe salesman, and convince him to apply it to the bottom of his loafers. So a firm handshake and a pat on the back is how old Ted does business. I never go back on my word, I only go forward and loop around. I also have been known to barter too (Uncle sam can't trace your income if you deal primarily with South American llamas). I've got an '87 hatchback that I'm selling now for about six llamas and two sombreros. But I'd be willing to go as low as four llamas, three sombreros and a provocative picture of somebody in the backseat of the car I sell you.
-Jarod Kintz
Used Car salesman, Have you broke in the backseat yet?
Have I ever. not only did I piss all over the place, but I think I actually took a dump in the trunk. Then I wiped my ass on the head rests.
-Jarod Kintz
Door-to-door vacuum salesman: This sex machine also cleans carpets!
My industrial strength suckage of a job is ebbing my life away. I only sold two vacuums last month, and both were because I made an offhand remark about how I recently suffered from internal bleeding after lodging the hose of the vacuum in my anal cavity and flicking the on button. I damn near sucked my gall bladder out. No suprise, but both of those sales were from homosexual men. But they didn't respect me. Nobody respects me. Hell, I wouldn't respect myself if I knocked at my own door. And I do. I often stand outside my own door knocking and crying for hours on end until Mother just can't take it anymore and she comes out of her room, opens the door, and forces me to come inside and go to bed. I have had twelve sales to date, and Mother was my first ten of those. But I've been doing this for six years! I don't have a girlfriend, nor do I even bother to look anymore. Who needs one when you get to sleep with an industrial strength vacuum? My vacuum cleans for me, and sucks for me, and my mother cooks for me. What more can a man ask for? Except for friends. I do need friends. That's why I'm here. So leave me a comment, send me a message, and I'll be the happiest salesman ever.
-Jarod Kintz
Door-to-door vacuum salesman: Heroes; Stanley Steemer, Hoover, and the guy who invented the little attachment on the end of the hose with the bristles. God that thing just tickles me to orgasm.
-Jarod Kintz
Door-to-door vacuum salesman: General:Cleaning carpets, utilizing the vacuum hose in unsanitory and unsavory ways.
Music: I generally can't hear music over the power of the vacuum motor, which I run 24/7
-Jarod Kintz
Dirty sex, like dirty business, is better with multiple vacuums.
-Jarod Kintz
Tupperware woman: Keepin' the party fresh.
-Jarod Kintz
With his surreal thoughts and ideas, Jarod paints a picture so vividly in the readers mind that they’d think he was actually using their gray matter as a canvas. But don’t worry, you can read this knowing that he will not spill paint on your favorite shirt.
-Jarod Kintz
A wise giraffe never sticks his neck out for anyone.
Her skirt was so short there was as much skin showing as a giraffe wearing a turtleneck.
If there were a population of blue elephants, with one yellow elephant living among them, and another yellow elephant of the opposite sex tries to enter the herd, who will end up getting with her?
1)The yellow elephant, feeling out of place and snubbed all the time, will go for her just to beat out all the blue elephants. And also to seek companionship from a fellow yellow elephant.
2)A blue elephant will go for her because the yellow elephant wasn't interested. The yellow elephant doesn't want another yellow, he wants to get a blue elephant to try to fit in and assimilate.
3)A blue elephant will get with the yellow elephant just to create a green elephant, because who doesn't want to see a baby green elephant?
I'm so lazy I take breaks when I sleep. During my nightly eight hour shift of sleep, I might take six thirty-minute breaks, where I take little naps.
Blank looks on people's faces are like blank pages: best to scribble on with markers.
To talk about foreplay is not the same thing as engaging in foreplay, unless you make like a deaf man and let your fingers do the talking.
If love were a round table, I'd be the guy sitting in the corner.
The man in the red shirt blue his nose, and sticky green flue out so fast that he blacked out. all his grey matter swelled leaving his face flush and purple. "Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown," crowed his pink little secretary. "Are you all right?" "I'm fine Mrs. Yellowstone," he chortled.
My grandfather is like a chair" he has legs, yet he can not walk. that, plus he makes an excellent stepping stool, or an extra cokmfy seating place for guests as the dinner table.
-Jarod Kintz
For a Corrections Officer, the best way to make a correction might be with White Out. Splash the bottle in the criminal's face and they'll probably remember it.
-Jarod Kintz
Waffle House waitress: "My job is too waffle to bare."
-Jarod Kintz
Hey Ya'll, my name is Beatrice Blake, and I'll be your myspace server tonight. LOL. What can I say about myself in this tiny space? I have been a Waffle House waitress since I got pregnant at fifteen. Then I had to drop out of the seventh grade and work full time. I have spent all my life either on my feet or on my back, wink wink. I live by this motto: Once you go Blake, you never go bake. And I'm not picky, I'll nearly everyone stick it in my oven.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to meet a man with eyes like syrup, so I can have him pour them over my naked body and make me feel like a waffle.
-Jarod Kintz
waffle House waitress" I like reading mystery novels. But most stories seem too complicated at first, but then you realize they are just like waffles: full of holes. But I still enjoy reading my Nancy Drew novels. They help me build my vocabulary, if nothing else.
-Jarod Kintz
The Door-to-door vacuum salesman's motto is, "This sex machine also cleans carpets"
-Jarod Kintz
Lots of people have an unhealthy fear of heights. But I have an unhealthy fear of fruits. Some poeple are afraid of falling, where as I am afraid of getting all of my vitamins.
Life is about perspective. Compared to an ant, my penis is the size of the Empire State building.
-Jarod Kintz
In a three-person conversation, never interrupt me when the other person is talking to you.
If necks were plastic bags full of gummy bears, I'd gladly slit your throat.
-Jarod Kintz
If I were a rock star, instead of a printer for my computer, I'd have a cloth cutter. That way, instead of mailing them to me, my adoring female fans could just email me their panties.
-Jarod Kintz
You know, I thought you proved Columbus wrong and fell off the face of the earth. I haven't heard from you in forever.I almost went and burned my entire collection of globes and started buying a bunch of maps to replace them.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm very chemically imbalanced. That's why I'd never make a good tight rope walker.
-Jarod Kintz
her: Im kind of nervous to meet you. Isnt that crazy?
me: why? I could be a serial killer, or a vampire who loves cats
her: Well vampires have a $ex appeal about them. So if that is what you are, great! The serial killer thing isnt so great though. Nothing $exy there. haha
me: ted bundy...not a stallion?
her: $ex stallion? no way. But nice looking. So Jarod tell me, your not into slicing up women are u? haha Are u trying to make me more nervous?
me: slicing up? No, of course not. I'm more into grinding them up
her: your real funny. do I need to bring a friend with me? haha
me: no, my grinder's not that big.
-Jarod Kintz
Someone once said that my balls smelled like peanut butter. Well that's fine by me because her mouth smells like jelly.
-Jarod Kintz
I just bought a new piece of clothing today. I bought the emperor's new bathing suit. And I'm revealing my new suit at a pool near you soon.
-Jarod Kintz
Love is like a duck swimming in a pond fill of bacon grease that resonates with the scent of urine after a person eats asparagus. You don't just want to dive in after the duck, you want to slowly wade after it.
Never take a shit in the ocean standing with your back against the current.
By the way he rode into town with his lit cheroot and polished six shooter shining in the sun, I knew there wasn't going to be enough romm in this town for both of us. Fortunately, those space saver bags that are advertised on infomercials really work, and I have him tucked away in a closet. Him and his horse, and some old sweaters that my grandmother knitted for me. Hell, I could even fit my grandmother in that bag too, but I'm not sure about her coffin too though.
My hand went numb with pleasure. Well, actually, it went to sleep...with my penis.
I like my women like I like my food: fast, cheap, and supersized.
I wish when it rained, it rained panties and bras. And I wish I lived in the desert, where it never rains, that way nobody would have panties or bras to wear.
I like sitting in my car when it's raining so hard it sounds like fingers tapping on the roof. It would be great if it wer actually fingers tapping on the roof, and I drove a piano, because then I could listen to music. Unlike now, since my radio is broken worse than my fingers are.
I wish people still rode horses instead of driving cars, because I'd like to make bumper stickers for horses. Things like, "My other ride is a real jackass, but then you already knew that about your wife."
-Jarod Kintz
Sarah said her crotch smelled like chocolate and Brandy, which is good because my penis is about as thin as a mixing straw.
There are many people on myspace.com whose only job is to seek out poedephiles. i think it would be funny to set up two fake profiles. One, a little girl, and the other an elderly man. Then send dirty messages back and forth to yourself until they come knocking on your door to arrest you.
The fridge Midget: I'm a freak in the freezer.
Garbage Man Dan: My job stinks worse than my foot (I only have one).
Cafeteria Lady: I'm just nuts about my hairnet. Well, actually, I'm just nuts. People say I'm nuttier than a fruitcake, I just don't respond as well to being stuffed in a tin can. trash cans i do a little better with. some of the boys at school they like to corner me and tease me by throwing me in them. I feel flattered to be the object of the high school boys' lust. They all want to get me naked, except for my hairnet, of course. And I let them. But just the nerdy ones. My motto: I never suck a jock's cock.
Ticket Stub Tearer: My heart is like a ticket stub: torn, folded up, and tossed aside to be trampled by everyone who walks by. I've been married as many times as there are letters in the alphabet, although I can only count as high as X. I've been told that X is the 24th letter. I've also been told that X is the number ten in Roman numerals, but I can't speak Roman. But I do remember my number ten wife though. Vanessa. She was a bitch. Just after my money, and she got it too. In those days, adjusting for inflation, she got nearly all of my $65 dollars from my savings account.
Laundromat Man: More women should dry clean their panties. God I love the smell of dirty panties. I also love the smell of coffee beans. Why can't more women eat coffee beans and then get a little doodle on their thongs so that I might be able to huff them in the mornings to wake me up?
Tupperware woman: Keepin' the party fresh. your mind is the tupperware of thought. It keeps ideas fresh. But my thoughts are as stale as my panties, which I also keep in Tupperware containers in the freezer.
Sam: I enjoy laughing, baseball, and pleasuring myself in the breakroom at work. I work in accounting. I work with numbers all day long. I love numbes. Numbers give me erections. That's why I sneak off to the break room to beat off when I know it will be empty, and I rarely clean up after myself.
-Jarod Kintz
Hank, the Truck Driver: Sometimes I be driving with my eyes closed and shit. Driving trucks is not only my job, it's my hobby. I have other hobbies too. Thinking man's hobbies. I don't fish, but I do like reading about fish. My favorite fish reference book is One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. If I live to be eighty, reading that book would have taken up 1/160th of my life. Yep. It took me nearly two years to read that book. That's also because I was learnig my basic math skills at the same time. If I were an animal, I'd be a fish. I'm really attracted to shiny things for some reason. You know, things like iced-out jewelry, and spinning rims. Shit like that. But back to topic. When you think of me, think of this. If it's got 16 wheels, or 16 appendages, I'll hop on and ride it. That's right, I'm into orgys as well. See, I'm not like them other truck drivers. I'm as deep as the ocean, and as playful as a fish, except I don't frolick in my own feces. (Except on Tuesdays, when I go and visit Henry in the nursing home. We have fecal fights.)
-Jarod Kintz
The most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me is that one time when I fell asleep taking a piss. I guess I should have started out in the bathroom, instead of going in my bed. But I've gained a lot of wisdom since last Tuesday.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to meet a man who folds his underwear into tiny squares, and then places them into open Pop Tart bags, then proceeds to reseal the bags, and then puts the bags in the Pop Tart box before resealing that as well.
-Jarod Kintz
Tupperware Woman: I always wished that instead of music being recorded onto CDs, someone could figure out a way to capture the music and put it in Tupperware containers. That way I could listen to my music while I eat it too.
-Jarod Kintz
Hank, the truck driver: I'd like to meet that motherfucker who jacked my truck last year. Nobody jacks me without me cumming.
I like driving, reading, and sleeping, but I still can't figure out how to multi task and do all three at the same time.
-Jarod Kintz
In some places I've heard it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting permit. Does this hold true even for people who dress up in giant cat costumes?
-Jarod Kintz
If you are going to careen off the road into a pack of cows and have milk and guts spray all over your windshield and hood, make sure you are driving an Oreo truck.
-Jarod Kintz
Tree Hugger: All trees are my friends, and I normally don't pee on my friends.
Not only was he over the hill, but he was as insignificant as an ant too.
Otto, the auto mechanic: If tires were diapers, we'd change them for you. but that's no excuse to go crap yourself when you see how low our prices are.
Cindy, the psychic: I read palms like they were novels, except there are no Cliff's Notes for palms. So I just make stuff up. your future never seems so bright as when you stare into the sun. And with all our futures, like staring into the sun too long, leaves us wondering why we are so blind to it? but I have sunglasses to see into the bright unknown that is the future. Don't believe me? I'll give you a free reading on your fourth visit. So come on by. You don't even need to make an appointment, I'll already know you are coming. Or will I?
Clovis, the carpet cleaner: filthy, rank, dirty or dank, Clovis can handle even the stenchiest of skanks...carpets that is. Clovis, you ask, why do you have carpet burn on your tongue? Because I am passionate about my job, that's why. When I go down on a dirty carpet, I don't stop until the job is finished.
Every morning I like to jog exactly 20 miles. And to save time, I load my treadmill in the back of my truck and have my friend drive me across town while I enjoy the eighty-miles-an-hour gusts of wind tossing my hair around as i fight to stay on the treadmill.
The smaller the window, the larger the temptation for a peeping tom. That's why I feel safe cooking naked in front of my large bay windows.
If soldiers are as hard and expressionless as stone then i think I'd make an excellent soldier. I'd make him out of granite. I'm a pretty good sculptor.
Before your kids get too bad, you have to catch them before they get spoiled. Keep them in the refrigerator and eat them when they are ripe.
If there was a notorious wise man, I'd travel over mountains just to gain knowledge from him. and the first question I'd ask him upon arriving is, "My feet are bleeding, why don't you have an email?" "Foolish man," he'd probably reply, "Why didn't you ask me that on the phone?"
Man, like life, is about balance and symmetry. The left side of a man's body mirrors the right side. the same is true of death and life, but you have to specifically as for a coffin with mirrors on it.
After my uncle got out of prison, he promised us that from there on out, he'd walk the strait and narrow. Seeing as he only had one leg, we found that statement incredulous. Sure enough, within minutes, he was back to walking in circles.
I tried driving through the red light district, but I was stopped the whole time. I can't get aroused when I'm impatiently waiting for it to turn green.
Ever tried soliciting sex at sixty miles an hour? Talk about a quickie.
My sister invited me to her wedding. It was a shotgun wedding, so I came dressed like a giant bullet. Man, if looks could kill...
I consider myself a patient man. The only thing I'll ever get impatient about is waiting.
There are too many contrarians out there today. Be original. Follow the masses.
Follow nobody somewhere, while at the same time lead somebody nowhere. This is the true path to enlightenment.
Arvin, the Astronought: NASA won't allow me back in space. Apparently, my ego is too big. So large, in fact, that it developed it's own gravitational pull, and the earth was actually revolving around me.
Crazy Inventor: With cutting edge technology, sometimes you have to bleed to break through. Luckily for me I'm not a hemophiliac.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I get so excited I just want to breathe so deeply that I inhale a few passer Byers. Then, in jubilation, I'd shout obscenities at the top of my lungs. and, of course, these people who I just breathed in would be at the top of my lungs. Yes Siree, I love shouting at random people.
Sometimes I wish I lived a few centuries ago, when chivalry was abundant. Then I think how lucky I am I didn't live back then, because I'd be dead right now. And there is nothing romantic about a corpse. Well, almost nothing.
If your nipples were on your eye lids, then and only then would I look up at you while you are talking to me.
I'm the laugh of the locker-room, and a joke in the bedroom.
I'm a great camping partner. My body odor repels most bugs.
I can smell you through my monitor. Maybe I should move my laptop away from your open window.
My eyes light up like a cigarette every time I see you. I think you are going to give me cancer.
If $100 dollar bills were flatulence, I'd have money flowing out of my ass all day long. And you could get rich just by huffing them.
Yay, the transplant surgery was successful! I now have the anatomy of a horse, wink wink, neigh, neigh.
I'll wash my hands in your toilet after I shit in your sink.
I'll steal your girlfriend and then I'll steal your Mercedes. And I'll use one and abuse the other. Nah, just kidding, I wouldn't steal your girlfriend, even tough she's already in my pocket.
Insanity Contest: In it to lose it. Lose your mind and win the contest. all applicants must have both hemispheres of their brain to be eligible to compete.
Some days I remember how her bare feet sounded, gracefully skipping across the pavement, and I wish I would have asked her to dance. some days I remember how her hair waved in the wind, like a red flame, and I wish I would have asked her on a date. Some days I hear my alarm clock ticking and I wish I wouldn't have blown her up. But only some days.
People often feel very bitter about the career they've chosen. Some people would kill to switch jobs and become something like a hit man, or a postal worker.
The last time I saw my friend, Rork, he showed up at a Halloween party dressed like a soup can. imagine my shock when I asked the host why everyone was dressed as spoons and he told me it was a cannibal party. I wonder what ever happened to Rork?
My fingernails were like spoiled children: they wanted too much money. So I had to cut them off. Well, actually, I bit them off. Then they got belligerent and made a scene in public. They started scratching my balls right there in the middle of the restaurant. I was so embarrassed I nearly threw up as I belched my apology to my table. Also, in my nervousness, I may have passed gas in the direction of my waiter.
-Jarod Kintz
Procrastination is the art of waiting until the future becomes the past to do something. Procrastinators would act on things in the present, if they didn’t believe that the present was just a synonym for the future.
I like to think of time like a race. There is the past, the present, and the future. Life is a race, but the best place to start is in the middle.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wish I could line the coastline of all seven continents with porcelain. that way all the oceans would be my bathtub, and all the battleships and yachts in the sea would be my bath toys to play with and sink at will.
Irish spring should make soap in the shape of a penis, so that mother's could internally clean themselves while also pleasuring themselves at the same time. And they could also use the penis-shaped soap to wash out their kids' dirty mouths.
A drunk can't follow a line of reasoning, even if it's a double white line.
Sex, like being a scientist, is more passionate when you are mad.
Masturbation, like writing, is best when your mind is working faster than your hand.
Sex, like being a roadside vendor, is best when you are highly visible on the side of the road.
Sex, like a refrigerator, gets hotter when you leave the door open.
Sex, like going to the flea market, works best if you know how to haggle.
For women, sex, like getting something from Fed Ex, is more exciting when you're receiving a large package.
Sex, like the WNBA, is more enjoyable when the women really know how to handle the ball (for those of us with only one).
Sex, like soccer, is better when you actually score, instead of just kicking your ball round all night.
For women, sex, like construction, is better with foreman.
sex, like silverware, is messier when it's on the rag.
Sex, like vacation, feels better if you hit the hot spots, while getting paid for it too.
Sex, like performing surgery, works best when you put them under.
sometimes I still get the urge to stuff asparagus up my nostrils, even though I don't like the way it makes my pee smell.
Sometimes, when it's raining, I like to drive along the interstate in reverse. It's just a courtesy thing, and to let the oncoming traffic know when I am braking so they can better swerve out of the way.
I once made a guest some bacon for breakfast. He looked at it and said, "I can't eat that crap because that bacon is a filthy food." So I took the bacon off the plate, rinsed off the fecal sauce, and served it back to him. "Next time," I admonished him, "You really should try it with the shit all over it."
Sometimes I'll forget how to do certain things, and then remember how to do them at odd times. For example, sometimes, when I'm driving, I'll forget how to break. Then, later on, I'll remember how to break while I'm sleeping. And sometimes I'll forget how to sleep, but then I'll suddenly remember how to go to sleep while I'm driving. It's so bad now that the sound of a horn from an oncoming car has become my alarm clock. Then I'll forget how to hit the snooze and I'll just sleep right through it.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex, like a balloon, is more uplifting when there are no strings attached.
Sex, like two people in college, is more fun when both partners have no class.
Sex, like communicating long distance to a person who has no fingers, is better over the phone.
Sex, like sliding through a mud pit full of alligators, is better when you are quick on your back.
Sex, like jet propulsion, is better with massive amounts of thrust.
Sex, like birthday presents, is better when you open up.
Sex, like receiving a gift certificate on April Fool's day, is better when everything is spent and there is absolutely nothing left.
Sex, like going to the circus, is more exciting with midgets and a lion tamer.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mad Scientist: I too know Jarod. He's the reason I'm such a brilliant lover as well as scientist. While working on a formula, unsuccessfully I might add, he casually remarked, "Sex, like being a scientist, is more passionate when you are mad." And I've been crazy ever since then--in both the lab and in bed.
-Jarod Kintz
(cook's=all by "hand")
Tangy, Buttery, Crisp Bottoms!
Excellent for Biscuits and Gravy!
In glass bowl--1 1/4 c. all-purpose flour (mix dry well)
1/4 tsp baking soda
2 tsp salt (can add more later)
2 Tbsp dry buttermilk powder
3 Tsp freshly clipped fingernails (can omit if desired)
Add by hand--5 tbsp butter (plugra?!!)--salted or unsalted
very important--Butter must be cold, cut into 1 Tbsp slices--with fingers,
pressbutter pieces into flour, making nickel-sized pieces. Mix with feet (or
hands). Freeze bowl (but not feet).
assemble:
countertop, greased with shortening or the fat of baby beached whales!
Paper towel--on work area.
1/2 c. extra flour--1/4 c. rubbed thinkly across work area biscuit cutter.
Scraper/folder tool for folding very tender dough.
Ungreased baker 8x8 (allow 1/2 " apart)--makes 4
Oven--preheat to 450 degrees.
To dry mix: Add:
4/8-5/8 c. ice water; add until dough clears the side of bowl.
Transfer to work area (preferrably outsourced to Bombay). Dust with
flour--no excess. Press out with hands--try not to warm the dough! Work Swift
like Tom. Make "fold." Press out again. Do a total of 4 folds. Dough will be
tender! Make the final fold narrow; press cutter (don't twist! or shout!)
Scraps can form a whole--don't "work"!
Remove midget from oven
Bake 15 minutes
Enjoy!
-Jarod Kintz
*taken from a recipe from Mother's recipe box
This is the book that all the mute's are talking about. It's hard to talk with their fingers as they are eagerly flipping through the pages of this book. But even though they can't talk, they can still laugh. And if laughing were a penis, their laughter would be John Holmes, they'd be laughing that long and hard.
-Jarod Kintz
Mr. Ted: I'm Mr. Ed's jackass brother.
If I was a left shoe, I'd love to meet a man with only one leg. Preferrably the left one.
-Jarod Kintz
The Madman: If sanity was clothing, I'd be a stripper. But only on the weekends, because that's when Mother lets me go out. But I'm always out--of my mind. Because that's where true freedom exists--beyond the normal mind's limits. So come and enjoy this little corner of madness within the myspace communtiy. It's always summertime here, so come strip off your sanity and enjoy the naked madness which is the definition of freedom. So let freedom ring and let's all get naked and crazy.
If it's several standard deviations beyond the norm, chances are I'll love it. I'm a contrarian. I love people that have something to say, and aren't afraid to say it with their fingers, and shout while they are saying it. Just so long as they aren't yelling with food in their fingers.
-Jarod Kintz
A man with no feet is no friend of a shoe, I'll tell you.
-Jarod Kintz
Tupperware saves relationships and keeps your friends fresh in the freezer for weeks.
-Jarod Kintz
Used Car Salesman: I'd give up selling used cars to sell used copies of Emails From a Madman. That's how friggin hilarious this book is. this book made me piss all over myself. Good thing I read it in the back seat of a client's car.
-Jarod kintz
Sometimes I wear sunglasses while I urinate, and pretend that my pee is a solar laser beam that will cut through my pants and legs if a direct hit occurs. I'm sure glad I am only pretending though, because it wouldn't be fun to lose both my legs and hands every day.
I'm sure glad socks are made out of cotton, and not ice-cube trays, because I don't like keeping my socks in the freezer. Because if I did that, then where would I keep my underwear?
I sure hope Wrigley doesn't start making socks, because then I wouldn't be able to refuse if someone offered me some socks. I sure do love chewing on socks. They add some flavor while I'm biting my toenails.
Homeless people, who live in cardboard boxes, have really low overhead.
Success happens when your career is yor life. That's why I'd like to make homeless men into cops. We still shouldn't pay them, but, unlike normal cops, they' be on the streets 24/7.
I think belly buttons, and belly button rings, are sexy. My girlfriend has two of them. And, amazingly, she still has both of her ambilical cords.
Sometimes I wish I could jump so high I could touch the moon with both of my hands. Usually after thinking this, I'll immediately go into a handstand and pretend I just jumped all the way from the moon and was able to touch the earth with both hands.
eDNa THe EXoTiC daNCeR: Papi likes it loose and floppy. Grindin', hustlin', paper chasin', slingin' my poon just to fill my spoon wit crack. You want a god time? Don't be a foo, Edna's yo boo! Discount rates for senior citizen gangstas. Holla atcha gurl.
I wish I could read people's palms, because then when I get to a great scene I could give the author a high five.
Ignorant, uncultured people might say that time flies fast as shit when you are having fun. But I know that it doesn't matter whether you are bored or having fun, shit always flies faster than time, if thrown properly.
City corruption and kickbacks are becoming so bad that I think the vending machine in the break room at my office should run for mayor. At least we can be sure it won't accept anybody's money.
To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.
Tupperware Woman: I try not to label people, unless I am about to stuff them in a Tupperware container.
Men's Bathroom Attendent: Most people won't use their friends, but they'll sure use and abuse a bathroom. Not me, I'd rather piss on my friends than in a beatiful bathroom.
Men's Bathroom Attendent: Everyone is an entrepreneur in the Men's bathroom. They come in, do their business, and get out of there feeling that sweet release of success. And I'm the closer in these deals, the man who comes in and cleans up after these Captains of the Camode. And you know what? I'm cool with that.
Men's Bathroom Attendent: My mom always tells me my room is a dump (yes I still live with mother). She wants to know why I bring my work home with me, and tells me that it's stinking up the whole house. She just can't relate to the younger generation I guess.
Used Car Salesman: I like my broads with junk in the trunk. Things like spare tires, jumper cables, and midgets named Chip. You know, the standard things that everyone should carry around in the trunks of their cars.
-Jarod Kintz
I knew a girl who used to screw like a hurricane. Yeah, she'd be rocking all the cars in town.
Sometimes I let my mind drift like a pair of panties in a pond. My thoughts get all soaked with the algae of creativity.
Sometimes I get hungry for edible panties in the wee hours of the morning. A little midnight snatch, if you will.
Being bisexual might be the best of both worlds, but if people probe you about it, it can also make you feel alienated. But I wouldn't really know, because I'm a one world kind of guy.
I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.
from the way he was swerving the car across all four lanes of the highway I could tell he must have had that crazy look in his eye, even though he was wearing blindfolds. But what could we do? It was his seventh birthday, and we didn't have a bat, or a place to hang the pinata except for the back of Jed's pickup truck.
Drinking clouds my thoughts and makes me talk as thunderously as a lightning bolt.
Some guys like a girl who can make them laugh. But I always prefer one who can make me dinner.
-Jarod Kintz
Actually, Cole, only one of my balls is freakishly large. It's lika a grapefruit on steroids. while the other is more like a grape with muscular dystrophy.
-Jarod Kintz
Garrett, the Deformed Informant: Hello, my name is Garrett, and I can scratch my back with my toes. It's not that I'm all that flexible, but I just lost all my toes in a speeding piano/farm animal accident. Long story. So now I carry my toes around in little sandwich bags and pull them out when I need to scratch in hard to reach places (like scratching Renaldo, my midget friend, when he's hiding behind the refrigerator). Anybody who knows me knows I'm a hard working guy who's easy to get along with. I won't step on your toes if you don't step on mine. (Sometimes this might be hard for you because I sometimes leave them on the break room floor after playing with them. If you could just pick them up and throw them in my Lego box that I keep in the breakroom freezer, I'd appreciate that.) I'm here to make new friends, and not really to meet women. My motto: Toes before hoes (I have exactly ten people I can count as friends. So I call my friends my little toes).
-Jarod Kintz
The perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex, with a girl who has no stomach or legs.
I wish saturday had 168 hours in it. Then Saturday would be the best day to get laid.
I think we should change the amount of time in each day. Sunday thru Friday should be reduced from 24 hours down to ten minutes, and Saturday would become a 167 hour day. That way, when people ask me what I did all week I could truthfully respond, "I slept all week. But I got a hell of a lot done on Saturday."
I would love to be able to sell people shit on a stick, if I could just figure out how to swallow the stick whole.
If fear was an empire, I often wonder if I would conquer it? well, since I'm afraid of other men senselessly dying, many men would have to die for me to conquer my empire of fear.
I knew a homeless man once who lived in a U-Haul van. He was always on the move.
-Jarod Kintz
Starving Artist: And there he sat, in the corner, feeding his thoughts, but not his empty stomach. How much longer could he endure this? Those ribs at the table were beckoning him like a canvas calls out to oil.
-Jarod Kintz
I think we should change the amount of time in each day. Sunday thru Friday should be reduced from 24 hours down to ten minutes, and Saturday would become a 167 hour day. That way, when people ask me what I did all week I could truthfully respond, "I slept all week. But I got a hell of a lot done on Saturday."
Starving Artist: I love your idea. That means I could eat all week!
-Jarod Kintz
The Mad Scientist: yes, our minds are linked by the interenet, which is faster than lighting, unless a server is down. And it is my pleasure to meet a man who has as quick of an intellect as I do.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mad Scientist: Was he a beaker half full kind of scientist? Or was he a beaker half mad kind of scientist? From the look in his eyes, I could tell he was slightly more than half mad.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't like questions at all if they are anything like how I like my mashed potatoes: loaded.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to work with this crazy guy who'd always try to talk to me. But that was ok with me, because when you work alone it can sometimes get awful lonely and boring.
-Jarod Kintz
Everyone knows I have a cheese fetish. I relate to cheese. I'm like a cheese bachelor. You know, the single slices of cheese, I call it bachelor cheese. I'm like a single slice of American cheese.
-Jarod Kintz
I like older women. Older than eighteen and younger than twenty three.
I don't like working on cars. My desk always scratches the paint on my Honda's roof.
Some people eat when they get depressed. Not me, that's when I start vomiting.
I dated this girl once just because I thought she'd make an excellent mother. But when she wouldn't let me breastfeed, I had no choice but to break up with her.
Don't you understand that your dreams are birds? If I don't shoot them down for you, they'll just end up shitting all over you.
-Jarod Kintz
I once met a man who couldn't think outside of the box. So one day, while he was thinking, I taped the box shut and mailed him to Maine. UPS reported that the box was lost, so I guess he's still lost in thought.
-Jarod Kintz
If anybody can appreciate fine music, it's me. I mean who else can hit multiple octaves with their armpits?
-Jarod Kintz
Although my father didn't buy it, I tried my hand at faking my own kidnapping once. I should have just tried one finger first.
-Jarod Kintz
I once randomly kidnapped a man. It turned out he had six fingers on one hand, so when I cut one off and sent it to his girlfriend, instead of calling the police, she sent me a Thank You card. I responded to her letter using her boyfriend's handwriting. This was tricky since his hand was so bloody it kept slipping out of my grip. And damn it if I didn't find out later that the boyfriend also had three hands. The girlfriend decided to name their firstborn son after me.
-Jarod Kintz
I've never felt so cut off from anybody as the day I lost my ambilical cord.
-Jarod Kintz
I saw some Siamese twins at the bank yesterday. I guess they have a joint accoint.
-Jarod Kintz
Used Car Salesman: I judge people by the bumper stickers on their bumpers. I saw one guy on the road the other day with a bumper sticker stuck to his bumper that read: This bumper sticker came with the bumper. I wish it would have came with the car, too. I liked that guy, so I gave him a ride.
-Jarod Kintz
The only time it's ok to push kids around is if they are on a playground merri-go-round. Or if they try to steal your toy car collection.
A man who stands for everything believes in nothing.
I don't care so much what people think about me, just that they think of me.
A person must be crazy if they only hang out with crazy people but think they are normal.
Kintzizmz, by Jarod Kintz
The pinnacle of every conversation is coming to the point.
Trees are so beautiful to me. I wish I could paint well because all I would paint is trees. Then all I would have to do is figure out how to frame an oak tree and hang it in my living room.
A tree with no branches is like a man with no arms or legs, although after you plant both in the ground, it takes longer to make a fort out of one than the other. "Hey, would you stop complaining and help me build this fort on your back? Oh, I forgot, you've got no arms. Sorry, mate."
I was angry yesterday when I waved at Amy Waverly and she didn't wave back. Then I remembered that she doesn't have any arms, so I calmed down a bit.
We got into an argument and he shouted at me, "Your ass is grass, and I'm the lawnmower." "Well," I quiped, "that explains it then. "Explains what?" He sneered. "It's clear to me now why everyone always pushes you around," I responded.
-Jarod Kintz
I tried my hand at masturbation once. I was no good, so I kept practicing everyday, sometimes putting in double training sessions.
I wish tupperware made coffins. That way, when you exhume a loved one's body, it will be just as fresh as the day you killed them.
I never fall asleep on the job, but a lot of the time I go in I'm already asleep. I eat, drink, work and sleep when I'm asleep. I once slept through a plane crash. After that they revoked my pilot's license.
-Jarod Kintz
The poet speaks and the shepherd listens. But he knows that words alone can not keep him warm, so he looks to his sheep. And the wisened shepherd also knows that words alone can't keep him company on those long nights up on the hill. So again, the shepherd turns to his sheep for companionship.
-Jarod Kintz
When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, "That's funny, because my sperm was absent."
I teach myself new things all the time. Every day is like a self-taught class, even though I'm absent at least once a week. And the best excuses are the ones that I believe. I'm very gullible in my own mind.
For me, friends are like bridges. So if a friend asked me to jump off a bridge, I wonder if I'd do it, because essentially he'd be asking me to jump off of himself, right? But if friends really are like bridges to me, I wonder why I burn so many of them? Hmm, no matter. It's water under the friend.
If fake friends were hair, I'd be bald. But I'd have a toupee full of true friends. And I'd proudly wear them out in public, and treat them to the finest shampoos.
My best friend is also my right hand man. Well, actually, he is my right hand. Does that make it OK to sleep with him all the time?
I want to start a charity called, "Orphans for elephants," where we spread peanut butter on little orphan children who are allergic to peanuts and then feed them to the elephants. But don't be concerned for the orphans, they'll live a long time in the memories of the elephants.
-Jarod Kintz
When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, "That's funny... because MY sperm was absent."
Trey, the Tree Hugger: Many innocent trees died to make the book, Emails From A Madman. But were they really innocent? This book is so good, I'd like to think they were guilty. Guilty of insidious crimes of a sexual nature. (Hey, I can fantasize, can't I?)
Trey, the Tree Hugger: Save a tree. don't use toilet paper as a nut rag. Jack off onto a mighty Oak (it's much rougher, but a lot more erotic, at least for me).
My ex girlfriend was as flat as a sheet, and just as easy to sleep with. First time I saw her I picked her up in a Laundromat.
Back when I was drinking a lot, I used to get so drunk that I'd throw a ball like a girl. But I'd just like to say that I don't throw women around anymore.
I don't understand guys who think that they can just trade in their girlfriends like cars after they get tired of them. Don't trade in your girlfriend, let some poor fool steal her.
Is there relationship insurance? You know, in case someone steals your significant other? If not, there should be.
If flip flops were oppressive, I wouldn't wear any. I'd go around showing of my bare feet of freedom. And I'd tell everyone that freedom causes blisters.
Tupperware Woman: Make your friendships last longer by covering your friends in salt and stuffing them in Tupperware containers. This is the best way to preserve your friendships.
I'm glad we're friends. Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.
A blanket won't help you get warmer if you throw it into the fire, unless you wrap yourself up in it before throwing it in.
For me, best friends are like blankets: they cover for you, they give you that warm feeling all over, and I always seem to lose them when I try to get more warmth out of them by throwing them into open fires.
Friends are like bridges: it's not good to burn them.
-Jarod Kintz
There are two typos of people in this world, those who can edit and those who can't.
If there was a cheat sheet for life, with all of the answers in the universe, would God punish you for writing them all down on the bottom of your shoes, assuming they were large enough?
A false sense of fear is more productive than a false sense of security.
Determinism doesn't bring you success, determination does.
My grandfather's hair was as white as snow, except less yellow and more brown.
If courage were feces, before every fight I'd be oozing with bravery.
Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to be a coward, although I'm too much of a pussy to even act cowardly.
I know a legless man who loves plants. I remember one spring he married a shrub. Or was it a bush? I don't know. all I know is that I pushed both of them down the church aisle in a wheelbarrow. instead of throwing rice at them, we tossed mulch. His smile bloomed as bright and pink as the flowers of his bride. They are no longer together. It saddens me to think that their relationship was severed by something so senseless as a weed whacker.
Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as have one of them tell someone to F*ck off.
Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.
For men, money, like sex, is something that nearly everybody wants more of, and unless you are famous or influential, you probably have to work hard to get any.
For most Americans, money and calories are always on their minds, although they burn too much of one and not enough of the other.
What I lack in courage I more than make up for in underwear. I am possibly the bravest coward to ever go commando.
-Jarod Kintz
Knowing that most of buffet resteruant patrons are obese, if there was a buffet that only served large portions of edible undies, I wonder how many Americans would eat there?
If there was a man with a chest as broad as the St Petersburg, would Rasputin have danced and partaken in an orgy on it?
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Bernadette,
I had a great time on our date last night. I wanted Mexican, and you wanted Italian, but your solution was brilliant! I liked how you said we should pay separately, but I especially liked how you said we should eat separately too.
So how was the Italian restaurant? My Mexican place was OK. On my tacos I asked for the beef to be a little pink. I love pink tacos! But instead they were really crusty and stinky.
I think you should leave your blinds open tonight, because I'd really love to se you again.
Talk to you soon,
Jarod
Dear Edmond,
So for whatever reason I didn't get hired at that one sausage factory. However, I did obtain a public relations positions position at a competing sausage factory.
And you now who the big loser is when two sausage factories compete, right? The pigs, that's who. except for me. I'll be the winner in the pig costume as I hold up a sign for the sausage factory that didn't hire me as I stand on Southside Blvd during morning rush hour and throw bacon at the bumper-to-bumper cars. I asked if I could throw eggs too, but they said that'd be too much protein. I asked them if it was really egging a car if I scrambled them first? They didn't have an answer for me.
I start Monday morning. Can I borrow your car?
~Jarod
Dear Rufus,
I'm just writing to remind you that Renaldo's birthday is coming up next month. I was thinking of renting him a midget for his birthday party, but since he is one himself it didn't seem that special.
So I thought if normal people like renting midgets, maybe midgets might like giants. Do you know if we have to pay per vertical inch, or by the hour? Do you think we could get one with scoliosis and then try to get a discount based on his abnormality? Or maybe we could get a fat giant and get a bulk discount, what do you think?
We need to start planning, so get back to me as soon as possible.
~Jarod
Dear Rufus,
I recently ran into your grandmother on the casino boat. I heard she got into debt with the Russian Mafia. I saw one of them confront her about this on the boat, and when she slapped him and called him a Neanderthal, he threw her overboard.
I thought surely she would drown until I heard a loud thud and I realized that we were still docked. Anyways, I hope she's OK, and when she gets out of the hospital can you ask her if I can borrow her wheelchair for this coming weekend? I'll be going up to North Carolina and I want to see how fast I can get going down Sugar Mountain.
Thanks,
Jarod
Dear Edmond,
I know that you've been complaining for months that I haven't paid you for rent. And I feel really terrible about that, so I got up bright and early this afternoon to go apply for jobs. well, actually just one job, because I had to make a stop at Uncle Ted's Warehouse/Whorehouse of Characters. (I did not rent a prostitute, but rather a costume).
Oh, by the way, apparently someone knocked over your Zephyrhills container full of quarters onto the sofa at exactly the same moment that all the change that I had in my pockets fell into the cushions. I don't know how much change I had, or how much you had, so I just took a few handfuls to pay for the costume, as well as lunch, dinner, and some prophylactics.
Then it was off to apply at the sausage factory over on the west side of town. I think I really separated myself from my fellow applicants by coming in the costume of a pig. It shows I'm serious about sausage. And I am. I don't know anyone who is more serious about sausage other than myself. Well, there is Uncle Ted, who is always talking about porking someone, so he might be a little more serious about sausage.
Well, wish me luck in getting a call back.
~Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
He has all the social graces of a ladder, except he gets stepped on more often. That, plus he always just sort of hangs around in my garage.
Dear Rutherford,
I just got back from West Virginia, and if the Tooth Fairy paid $100,000 dollars for every missing tooth, there'd be more millionaires per capita there than in any other state.
I did have a lot of fun while I was there, although I made sure to never leave my car. I slept in the trunk rather than sleeping in any West Virginia hotel. What I lacked in legroom I more than made up for in good conversation (Ruprecht was with me).
well, that's all that's new with me. What’s new with you?
~Jarod
Dear Wendell,
I am happy to inform you that I am a proud resident of Aumberland county. Aumberland is the smartest county in the quad county area. The other counties, in order of intelligence, are Bumberland county, who are only averagely stupid. Cumberland county, who are significantly below moronic, as well as color blind. And finally, there is the aptly named Dumberland county.
Dumberland county is probably the only county in the country where the stop lights are on the side walks, rather than the streets. This is because the sidewalk is always slammed with the shuffles of mentally slow residents in Dumberland county. Everybody walks because as you are aware, in order to ascertain a drivers license one must be able to take a test that involves reading. But the people here can't even spell their own names. They all sign their names with an "X," but have no idea that X is an actual letter of the alphabet. They all do it because Charles Albert X, the hero mayor, and son of the legendary Charles Albert IX, always signed his name "X." And the people picked up his habit without knowing why.
The people in Dumberland county can't even read the word "Stop" on a stop sign, so the signs were changed to simple blank red signs. That caused slight confusion to the color blind residents of Cumberland county who kept running the Stopless stop signs and running over Dumberland county residents. But we all here in Aumberland county felt that this was an added benefit to the situation, and could only benefit society.
~Jarod
Dear Prescott,
This morning I woke up with a stuffy nose. I hate stuffy noses more than I hate anything else in this world (with the possible exception of when Lawrence blows his nose into my bologna sandwiches). I have also come to the conclusion that I have fat fingers. They were so fat that I couldn't even pick my own nose! I sure could have used your slender little lady fingers this morning (yes, both of them).
So how's life treating the two-fingered Prescott? I heard that you took up playing the piano. I heard that whenever you play Chopsticks there's not a dry eye in the room. (Except for itchy scalp Linda, who suffers from constant dryness and who's always scratching herself. Hey, she's itchy!)
But I know how you peck away at the keyboard, so if it takes you months to reply to this email I'll know why. I hope to hear back from you before my unborn children graduate from college (assuming they don't drop out in the pursuit of the glamorous life of a West Virginia coal miner.)
You really can tell a lot about a person by their shoes. My neighbor has horse feet, so he must be a jackass. That’s why I always steal his shoes and throw them at a metal steak across my back yard.
I once had a monkey for a best friend. We used to play together. I played with Legos, while he played with poop. As teenagers, I drank Boone’s Farm, and he’d drink X-Lax. We’re not friends anymore. I just got to the point where I couldn’t take any more of his shit. And forget about inviting him over for Christmas again. I’ve heard of a lump of coal in your stocking, but a lump of dump? I’ll kill a monkey.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Dexter,
I feel that talent is the silence that rises above the clamor of the masses. And with more people trying their hand at online marketing, I wonder why we don't see more mimes becoming wildly popular?
Dexter, my lone mime comrade, I can envision a time, in the not so distant future, where anywhere you go the only sound I'll hear is not of your voice or footsteps (you are a very stealthy mime), but instead I'll hear the vibrations of a multitude of people all flocking to soak up your magnificent silence.
Success is silent, because it's always quieter at the top. And I suspect that in keeping up the silence, you won't reply to this email. Because you and I both know that, aside from the mindless prattle of the masses, nothing is louder than the written word, as it reverberates across one's mind.
Your silent fan,
Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Ruprecht,
I'm no chef, but I think I'm going to go into the restaurant/cafe business. When opportunity knocks, you pick up the phone. You know T.G.I. Fridays, right? The one that's in the shopping plaza where only two doors down is that little coffee shop we like, Lazy Sundays?
Well, I want to open up a cafe in the middle of those two called "Saturdays." and out slogan will be, "Saturdays, right in the middle of Friday's and Lazy Sundays, you dumbass."
The great thing is that Lazy Sundays is owned by an elderly Jewish couple, so it's not open on Saturdays. And I have Church every Sunday, so I'll be closed. So Sunday's closes on Saturdays, and Saturdays closes on Sundays. And Mr. Monday, the owner of Friday's, will be closing up Friday's on Tuesdays and Thursdays to focus all his attention on his new bar called, "Wednesdays." So, like an Amish stripper, every day of the week is fully covered. What do you think?
~Jarod
Dear Edmond,
Yesterday, while walking home from Wee Wee Wallace's Cleaning Supply/Costume Shop, I got caught in the rain. Fortunately, I was dressed in my new sponge costume. Then I decided to have a litle fun. I got some cardboard and stood by the side of the road with a sign that read, "Squeeze me."
That was cool until a homeless man in an orange costume came and stood right next to me with a sign that also read, "Squeeze me."
I was mortified. So I changed my sign to say, "Help clean up this city. Let's get rid of filthy homeless people who dress in costumes and hold up signs (Not me, I'm not homeless)."
Well, needless to say I barely made it out of there alive. I was chased home by about four hot dogs, three oranges, a milk carton, and at least seven condoms (all magnum).
So I guess my question is, what's the solution to poverty in this city? Should we outlaw people living in costumes? Should we burn all the costumes in this city and the people who live in them? I think we should send them all over to Costume county where they would have a much higher acceptance rate. What do you think?
~Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Roderick,
Florida must have larger bugs than any other state. This morning I stepped out of my front door, and there in my driveway, was a cockroach the size of a Volkswagen, although it was shaped more like a Geo Metro. And I had the police called on me for trying to step on it!
The officer accused me of denting the hood and roof. You know what really pisses me off? It's that people can get arrested for impersonating an officer, but why wasn't this officer ever arrested for impersonating a moron? (He was by far the most convincing moron impersonator I've ever seen).
So how's life in Alaska?
~Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
I'm trying to successfully design and merge a full bar into a bathroom, but I can't quite get the color scheme down. I think want it subtle shades of brown, but to be sure I need to go around collecting more stool samples.
-Jarod Kintz
The everyman in society is just a speed bump on the path to cultural enlightenment. He needs to wear a bright yellow shirt so as to be easily identified and either avoided or run over.
-Jarod Kintz
The cow didn’t jump over the moon. The moon, which is made of cheese, dipped under the cow for a drink of milk, because The Man in The Moon was testing out whether or not he is in fact lactose intolerant. It turns out that he is, and that’s the reason the moon is so pale. Well, that and the fact that the moon only comes out at night and needs to get more sun.
Crash
You say the world is binary
You are a one
And I am a zero
BR (Should have <> around it, but blogger wouldn't let me use html)
Yes, that’s what you said.
BR (Should have <> around it, but blogger wouldn't let me use html)
Well, img_src="insert the properties of your photo here", (same thing here with the <>)
All I have to say is goodbye and Delete.
-Jarod Kintz
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