I read comics while going to the bathroom. I was reading yours the other day and lets just say due to the amount of laughing the end result was not pretty. It involved a mass amount of stitches and two weeks in bed-on my stomach. These comics are hilarious!
I love reading comics while making a poo. then, if the comic is bad, I wipe myself with it. Then I give it to my little brother to read. -Maurice McFeces
There was once a giant flower that was an amazing basketball player. He played so much that he got dehydrated and died. His name was Wilt. -Jarod Kintz
Is it better to help someone who can't help themselves, or someone who has the ability to help others? I don't know. But both are preferable to someone who helps themselves to whatever they want. -Jarod Kintz
If time really were a river, I wish it were the Nile, because it would flow north, as opposed to south. I guess then we would be born old and then regress to infants before viciously being eaten by crocodiles. -Jarod Kintz
The governments pockets are deeper tan their knowlege of economics. Unfortunately, those are the people's pockets. That's why I don't wear any pants. -Jarod Kintz
Life is too funny for God not to exist. Who else would laugh at me smashing my penis with a hammer after thinking about nailing my neighbors wife? -Jarod Kintz
There is a man called Thomas Gaint, who paints pictures with blood on canvases made of human flesh. His pictures tell of suffering, mostly from the making of the canvases. But, no paint, no Gaint. -Jarod Kintz
i lay in the sun to give myself an even tan. (and i brazilian wax) after tai bo class i like to compare my ass with others. my biggest pet peeve is having the whitest ass in the shower.
RoRoUrBoat, I am in the market to buy an albino donkey. Can you recommend an honest used donkey dealer? Mike Ramos loves riding donkeys. I'll let him know you want to let him ride that donkey. Yours Truly, Jarod Kintz
My donkey's name is Peanuts, and he's 118 years old. He's not very fun to ride, but if Mike would like to ride my donkey, I wouldn't say no! As for an albino donkey dealer, my roommates dad sells lemons, I've heard donkeys love lemons.
RoRoUrBoat, Mike and I love to swing, but not in the Arizona heat. You'll have to come to Florida to get wet. I'd love to squeeze your lemons, and Mike likes it juicy. Yours, Jarod Kintz
Don't lie. You know that you are a fan of squeezing bananas. I have seen you sneaking around the monkey cages of the zoo you were kicked out of last year.
I'll hitch up Peanuts to the carriage and be on my way. What are you doing in about two weeks? With an albino donkey you should be able to see me comein, that and miner hat that my donkey wears.
RORoUrBoat, I'm coming to meet you. I'll skip classes. I'm bringing my friend Zeno. We'll meet you halfway. If you'r bringing the Peanuts, I'll bring the Coke. Until We Meet, Jarod Kintz
I'm not anti-banana, I just get tired of carrying them around in my pockets. But when you hang out in a zoo, you kind of half to. Peaches are fine. They make me feel fuzzy and warm inside. -Jarod Kintz
I have reached Texas in my journey to meet you. I shot an elephant in my pajamas this morning. I tried to remove his tusks, they were in pretty tight. Too bad it wasn't an Alabamian elephant, their tusks are loser. Can't wait to meat you,
RoRoUrBoat, The Ukraine gets cold this time of year. A man with two arms is not as good as a man with fifty. But they have to be powerful. I don't like to arm wrestle, but Yuri does. Unfortunately, your boat might sink if you do not paddle faster. Remember our date, I don't like to be stood up when I am standing on my arms. My wallet is thin, just like my patience. Only the Viktor can survive a no show. Look to the billboards to see the sign. The man with fifty arms always points in the right direction. Don't wear a watch, no man shall know the hour of his death, as it is written in the contract with the big boss. But if you show up on time, you will meet the man who fishes with blood at another time. Bring a suitcase, and pack wisely, and don't forget my socks. As a shark smells blood, so I smell deceit. And nobody brings me dirty socks. -Jarod Kintz
George, you still don't trust me? Your father and I go way back, I am fully aware of his methods of motivation. I am just a butler, and your socks will always be clean. But I only have two hands, it is you who give me the strong arms for which to defend myself. For that I am eternally grateful. Was the albino donkey as good as I promised? Tell Ivan if he wants to make some instant coffee, he knows how to get in touch with me. The man with the umbrella is always open to suggestions. I roll with the punches like a boxer on a tricycle. The ring is not yet been broken, and the ref has been bought. Vlad wants in on the action, but I told him to ask you. Like a chewed rope, he's a-frayed. Tomorrow you should have my answer yesterday. I'll call you tonight. take it easy on Vlad, he means well. -Jarod Kintz
What does it mean to be in love? I think it is like falling into a tank of oil, surrounded by darkness, with only a match to light the way. When it strikes, it is all consuming. -Jarod Kintz
When I said that being in love was like falling into oil, I was speaking hypothetically. I don't know many people that have been there before. Except John and Patty Goosefur, who after fifty years of marriage, burned to death while their son gave commentary as he filmed it. -Jarod Kintz
Being in love is like standing in the middle of a carwash. In the begginning you feel so warm, wet and steamy but before you know it you are getting hit from every side as if everything you had grown accustomed to suddenly was being stripped from your vulnerable body. Then, in the end, the inevitable happens, you get burned by hot wax.
There are many religions out there with many similarities. I want to find all the similarities and then start a new one based on differences. For example, I don't think there is a religion out there that prohibits the use of pants, or the use of raw fishes as profylactics. Well, there needs to be. Because Fish and sex makes love really stink. -Jarod Kintz
I want to go door-to-door selling doors. But not just any door, a new anti-door-to-door salesman door. The doorbell, once pushed, distributes electromagnetic shock to the pusher. -Jarod Kintz
I like to find the good in any situation, and I'll pull out every dressor drawer and slash every sofa cushion in your home to find it. Even if you are having sex on the couch at the time. -Jarod Kintz
You know how they have dog whistles that only dogs can hear? I want to make a madman megaphone that projects jokes only the insane find funny. -Jarod Kintz
Journalists don't have sex in the missionary position, or doggystyle. They don't even like horse and carriage or the frog. They prefer the inverted pyramid. -Jarod Kintz
A man hasn't exhausted all his options until he's taken his own life. And, judging by the way of life of most Americans, this is the best possible course for many individuals. -Jarod Kintz
Dear Rinaldo, I had a wonderful time with you last night. However, I did find it a little rude that you sneezed on my cat and then proceeded to blow your nose in her fur. Don't you know that's what my sleeve is for? Anyways, I did have fun donning a helmet and riding on your back as we rode headlong into the wind on your beautiful blue unicycle. Yours Truly. Jarod Kintz
The guy who wakes up next to you every morning has got to be the luckiest man in the world. And the guy who wakes up next to him would have to be the second luckiest man. -Jarod Kintz
Everything is better in blue. Most importantly, sex is better in blue. If you see sex on TV, it's 1/3 blue sex, based on the fact that TVs are made up of three colors: red, green, and blue. So sex on TV is only a third as great as it could be, I feel, and could be much better if only it were all in blue. And what they say is true: once you go blue, you never go green or red. -Jarod Kintz
Flipper might have said: You can find me lounging around in the water here in beautiful, sunny Florida. Did you know dolphins, like people, have sex for fun? And if you've ever seen me swim, you know I can work my hips. Come take a dip with me. It'll be the ride of your life. -Jarod Kintz
Flipper might have said: All those water traffic police. Those living speed bumps who give their lives enforcing boating speed limits. Assuming we both had hands, I'd like to give every manatee a firm handshake. -Jarod Kintz
The Keebler elf might have said: I make cookies and I make love, and I'm great at both. I'm a chef and a sex god. Chocolate and sex, I provide women with what they want. And I'll provide it all night long, if that's what you desire. Indulge your fantasies. I know I do.
I wish my love was all the water in the oceans. I'd have enough love for everyone, except all those who tried to drink up and subsist on my salty love, because the more they'd drink, the thirstier they'd become. And for those people, I'd laugh at their death, because I have no love for stupid people.
I'm a socialist of sorts, an odd kind of socialist. I wish we could evenly distribute the wealth in America. Every other person would get money, and every odd person would get none.
Never trust a man you can't fit in your pocket. Either avoid fat men, or get deeper, wider pockets.
For my birthday last year, I came home to find 16 monkeys in my living room. Apparently my friends misheard me when I told them I wanted piles and piles of money for my birthday. Oh I got piles and piles of something all right, and I spent nearly an hour cleaning up my carpets and walls.
Death waits on no man, and neither do I. But I'll sure wait on a beautiful woman.
Life can be considered a negotiating process. And death is the closing of the deal. But dying is the worst kind of business deal because death is impatient. Death waits for no man, yet man is expected to wait his whole life for death. Who needs that kind of business transaction? That's why I think suicide is the ultimate entrepreneurial act. You decide when, where, and how you want to die. Unfortunately though, I don't think suicide pays off as much in the long run.
He was an interesting man. He was wise for an Italian. He was a lasagna of light, with layers of illumination. And I felt enlightened just eating him.
People forget that there are two parts to art: skill and inspiration. Skill is just that, it's the ability to carry out your concept. Fortunately, if you don't possess the skill, you can get it with lots of time and hard work. Inspiration, on the other foot, is the talent, genius and conceptuality of art. It is what drives the truly great art. You either have it or you don't. And if you don't, you can't simply put in the time to get it. Ideas are the most important aspect to art. Skill is just the beast of burden, the manual laborer, which actually makes the piece. But there would be no piece if there were no grand idea, no architect. There would be no concept for which to start working towards. And art with no concept is no art. No matter how skilled, it's just not art. Scribbling on a canvas is not art. One might even argue that it lacks skill.
I met a man who was afraid of crops. He also had a phobia of a certain shape, circles to be exact. But I didn't understand him, he was completely alien to me.
I don't fish, but my old boss was a fisherman. One day, after hearing one of his big fish tales, I called him out about it. He got offended and said that he was Scottish, and the Scots were famous for not exaggerating. (insert pic. of Loch Ness monster)
I used to want a gold Rolex the size of Texas, but then I realized it wouldn't be big enough for me. Because I want all the time in the world, I'd need a watch with exactly the same dimensions as the earth. And if you've ever seen my skinny wrists, you'd know there's no way my wrists could accommodate such a time piece.
I try to keep a perspective on life by always being thankful I procrastinated yesterday, and remembering that tomorrow may never come. That leaves today for me to leave it all until the day after tomorrow, which, hopefully, will get rescheduled until next Tuesday, the first day of my weekend. -Jarod Kintz
Abe Lincoln might have said, My top hat was large enough to pull a rabbit out if it. But the only thing I pulled with that hat were high class whores. God I loved that hat. -Jarod Kintz
The quickest way to make money is, has, and will always involve vices, e.g. gambling, guns, prostitution and drugs. If Mexico does make it legal to sell drugs there, it will drastically change the dynamic of the country. First off, these street thugs that push drugs will still remain street vendors. Their status won't change. What will change is who runs the drugs. It will be like Vegas in the 60s. It will change from Mafia to Corporate America. Big money will come in and take over and reap all the benefits. It will become a huge tourist destination, but many Mexicans will be pissed because they will be exploited and passed over with the big profits just like thy are here. They will become our beasts of burden, only they won't have to hop the border to do it. Instead of pushing lawn mowers they will be pushing our drugs. I am neither for nor against it, it's not my home. If they do pass it, they can expect a lot of change, I just hope they know what kind of players will show up with open checkbooks to buy in to the business. -Jarod Kintz
Every day before work, my stomach was tied in knots. Hitting the streets all day long was what I did. I didn't make myself a white running shoe with green laces and trim, I was just made like that. I was a street runner, a true hustler. I didn't want to be dirty, I just was. One day, while I was bitch slapping the pavement, and pounding my product, someone asked me if I lace my green. I told that Busta, "Bitch, you know I lace dat shit." Soon after I got all tripped up and shit. All of the sudden I had mothafuckas knockin' at my box. I got evicted from my closet and kicked to the curb. I aint never stepped out of line, and I always be holdin' my tongue back. I may be a used shoe, but I aint never been used like that before. I had a damn good life, too. Even though I aint no Mormon, I had seven cotton wives, one for each day of the week. All were white and filthy, just like me. I aint seen my brotha neither, not since we used to run these streets. And we did. We ran these streets. But now I know who really run these streets. The Man run these muthafuckin' streets.
A Saga of Scandal By Bruce The Butler
His socks are extra large, if you know what I mean, and he's such a prude that he has them dry cleaned.
But today I found a sock not in his top drawer, but in the sweet-smelling chambers of our sassy maid whore.
I suspect my master has a mistress, as there were sex stains on her sheets, and last night, groans of pleasure no less, and even bursts and splashes of shouts.
Oh, I can hardly wait til supper to rub one out, as I'm sure Chef Le Balle will let me season his tasty white trout. -Jarod Kintz
Our relationship was hot like a flame broiled hamburger until fate split us in two. You see, I like cheese and pickles, and she only likes ketchup. And I can't morally date a girl who doesn't like cheese and pickles.
The only time I'll get into the ocean is if the world sets itself on fire.
My ex girlfriend was like a sock, she just disappeared one day. One minute I was shoving her into the dryer, and the next minute she had vanished. If I could only see her now, I'm sure this has put a stain on our relationship.
The truth is like a cat: It will sleep safely in the sunshine, and it can see through the darkness.
Negative thoughts are like elephants: they are too big to let wander in an open mind, and they will trample the grass lands of your dreams.
I was the leader and organizer of a one man anti-social rally. The turnout was more than I expected, considering the meeting was at 7:00 in the morning and I never thought I'd get up in time. I was going to offer free doughnuts and coffee as incentives for everyone who showed up, but I didn't see how that was possible. I ended up paying for the doughnuts.
Knowing that time is money, I want to start managing my time like big companies manage their money. I want to outsource sets of 60 seconds to guys in India who will work for ten seconds on the minute, and accomplish nearly what I would accomplish in a fraction of the time. Big companies save money this way, why can't I also save time like that? Americans, myself included, are far too expensive and lazy to be efficient.
Is it so far ahead of the curve that you circle back on the crowd?
A-Fish-In-Sea is not splashing around in the waves, but it's riding the current and utilizing the momentum of nature.
The future is nothing more than the past in reverse. Except it's more like driving with no rear view mirror, and having your eyes gouged out and ear drums popped. The most you can feel are vibrations that may or may not be vital. -Jarod Kintz
There were 17 dark Mexians in a white car with a yellow luggage bin on top. It looked like a speeding bean and cheese burrito, and it was being shuttled by a Butler who's a Brit, complete with the bad teeth and a snobby smirk. But they are on their way to China town to meet two guys named Chin (also called Double Chin), and Mr Fu. Mr. Fu wants to team up with the Mexicans and make fortune burritos.
But first, which came first, the chicken, or the egg drop soup? -Jarod Kintz
There were 17 dark Mexians in a white car with a yellow luggage bin on top. It looked like a speeding bean and cheese burrito, and it was being shuttled by a Butler who's a Brit, complete with the bad teeth and a snobby smirk. But they are on their way to China town to meet two guys named Chin (also called Double Chin), and Mr Fu. Mr. Fu wants to team up with the Mexicans and make fortune burritos.
But first, which came first, the chicken, or the egg drop soup? -Jarod Kintz
If the truth hurts sometimes, then there's nothing more honest than kicking a loved one in the balls.
Sometimes it can take a lifetime to develop patience. Unfortunately, my impatients will probably kill me first.
The patient man waits to make a wise decision before he makes a move. The impatient man makes a move then waits to see if he made a wise decision. Two different philosophies, and quite likely two very different outcomes.
Winning is like a pile of shit: You never want to rub it in someone's face after you do it, even if they are a terrible loser.
Men are like birds: God gave us wings in the form of imagination so that we may fly from the bottom of our minds to the top of the sky, quite literally. The Wright brothers were no different than great artists or writers; they all had/have a jet-powered imagination. -Jarod Kintz
Thomas Edison was right. My inspiration is my perspiration--lots of it. I keep buckets of my sweat around. I find it helps me think. 99 buckets of perspiration for every 1 bucket-sized inspirational thought. -Jarod Kintz
"If my anger were an anus, you'd be the guy trying to insert a can of Cheese Wiz and a box of Ritz crackers up my asshole, without even considering whether I wanted a can of soda to follow it up." "All we have is Pepsi, is that OK?" "Yeah, that's fine."
I wish all the sadness of the world were encapsulated in all the peanuts that go into the peanut butter of every Reces Pieces. I say this because there would be no more sadness in the world, because what peanut wouldn't happily want to be crushed and smothered by chocolate? I know I would, and I'm only a Mr. Peanut impersonator.
Sadly, sadness isn't like water on a dog, something you can just shake off. It's more like paint, it eventually just wears off. And although I haven't actually sanded and painted a dog yet, I don't think dogs can just shake sadness off either. -Jarod Kintz
If Jello were a person, I just might convert to cannibalism, and I'd have no problem eating a family of six.
If Jello were a stripper, I'd pay good money to see her shake and jiggle that ass. Then I'd take her home with me and stuff her in my fridge, or maybe even spend all my time with her spooning.
If Jello were a politicina, he'd conform himself to the exact shape of every policy. And he'd give you such a good feeling in your stomach that you'd just have to vote for him. -Jarod Kintz
I'd never make a good mystery shopper. It's no secret if I want to buy something or not. I'd make a better mystery cashier because I'd never show up for work. -Jarod Kintz
The best things in life always seem to be green. Money, ereralds, Gumby, and of course, me--Green Jello. I'm a chill sort of guy, and I can adapt to my surroundings. I can be molded to be exactly the sort of man you want me to be. If you want a really square kind of guy, I can be that. If you want a playful guy who has many sides and shapes, I can be that for you too. Another man might get into your heart, but nobody will get into your stomach as smoothly as I will. I'm the Don Juan of the fridge. also, I don't dance, I just sort of jiggle and shake my ass. I won't leave my bowl and head out to the dance floor by myeself, you'll have to literally carry me out there. If I meet you at the bar or club, and you think I'm going to have sex with you on the first night you are beyond wrong. The most you can hope for is lots of spooning ;) I don't date women who are powderheads, women who are into nose candy. If you and I are ever going to mix, you've got to bring the water. -Jarod Kintz
Even if the person you are talking to has amnesia, it's a good habit to never tell the same joke twice. Unless you have amnesia, then feel free to reread this as often as once every five seconds. Did you already forget what i was talking about? Go back to the beginning of this paragraph to find out.
There's too uch violence in the vodka. Stir it up, don't shake it.
Computers are way too expensive. in the old days, when i got a letter in the mail that made me mad, I'd simply burn it. But now, when I get an email that irks me, I have to stop myself from dowsing my PC with kerosine and lighting it on fire. I've replaced too many e machines like that.
It's not acceptable to burn an American flag, but is it ok to burn a computer with an image of an American flag on the screen?
In relationships, acts of trust are the bricks that build the foundation, while the cement is the bond that holds the body of your ex to the bottom of the pond.
Good relationships can last a lifetime. So can bad ones, if the two people kill each other.
I like dating a girl with high standards. It shows she knows how to break her own rules.
When seeking advice, in any aspect of life, it's best to consult an expert. So if you want to find out all about inefficiency, talk to someone in a government agency.
"Kintz, is that German?" "Sure is." "Who's German?" "My dad is." "Does he speak German?" "No, and he doesn't speak to me either"
(Two guys standing in an empty field with a sign that says, "There's a lot for sale here.") "There's nothing here." "I know, it's perfect. You can build whatever you want." "But if there is nothing here, how can there be a lot?" "We're standing on it." "We're standing on nothing?" "No, a lot." "A lot of what? A lot of grass and weeds?" "Yeah and the dirt and land that goes with it." "You must be a really simple man if that's what you call a lot." "I am, and it is." "OK, I'll take it."
A criminal can't escape if the prison is in his own mind. Serving a psychological sentence of a year is probably harder than serving a lifetime sentence behind bars. This would also reduce overcrowding in the prison system, and the criminal wouldn't be cramped in his new surroundings because statistically criminals minds are vastly empty.
It's been said that children are the future. I believe that this is true. Based on that, I can conclusively deny the existence of children, since there is no future in the present, and therefore children do not really exist yet. But that means we have a growing problem in the world. We have a rising population of people, who are unidentified, except in the fact that they are really small and uneducated. And these new people have the highest percentages of unemployment out of anywhere in the world, outside of the ghettos, of course. -Jarod Kintz
People who live a long life and die of natural causes are lazy. They should take some initiative and kill themselves.
I won't date a girl who has noodles for brains, unless she has hair as red as pasta sauce. Mmmm, if lust were hunger, I'd be a citizen of Zimbabwe right now.
There was once a deaf and mute man who was too hungry for words to describe, probably because he had already eaten all of his fingers. When I first met him I told him I was a magician, and when he died that night I prmised to show up at his funeral. I didn't show up, but all his friends just thought that it was part of my act. In fact, I'm not a magician at all. I work in the produce section of the local grocery store. But sometimes I pull a magicians act at work and don't show up for days in a row. My managers love it. They can't figure out how I do it. The secret is not getting out of bed in the morning, and I am a master at that.
There was once a man who ran marathons wearing only cowboy boots and a pink robe. I knew this man well, but now he is mentally ill. He is now as mentally unstable as a dream about ten bowling balls stacked on the top of the cell phone of an old man in a wheel chair with only one wheel, only the man in the cowboy boots doesn't get pushed around as much. I knew him from way back from before, up until slightly after. It's not about the five seconds we knew each other, it's about what he said. I was standing in the buffet line and walks up and mutters to me, "Whatever you do, don't try the fish." And I didn't. But I did recommend it to my girlfriend. The man with the pink robe was right. -Jarod Kintz
What is the meaning of life? I believe I found the meaning of life the other day. I found it in my chicken salad sandwich. So there I was, sitting at the booth in Panera, and as I was adding yellow mustard to my sandwich, I noticed a tiny shimmering object mixed in with the chicken salad. I lowered my head to get a closer view and what did I find? It was nothing short of the most miraculous big toe toenail I have ever seen. It was the longest and thickest nail that my eyes have ever laid feast on. And then it hit me: we are all lonely toe nails floating in this chicken salad world of ours, waiting to be eaten by the unknown. So I covered up the nail with my bread and proceeded to eat from the sandwich of knowledge. Adam had his fruit that enabled him to see a different perspective on the world, and I had my toe nail. -Jarod Kintz
245 Comments:
I love your comics. they are really fresh and inspired.
-Brianna
He kind of looks like me, after a sweaty day at the park.
-Sammy
Your comics are great. Very unusual and apparently they appeal to nature lovers also.
Jimmy
As tony the tiger would say about these comics "They're grrrrrrreeaat!"
-A comic and cereal lover.
I read comics while going to the bathroom. I was reading yours the other day and lets just say due to the amount of laughing the end result was not pretty. It involved a mass amount of stitches and two weeks in bed-on my stomach. These comics are hilarious!
I love reading comics while making a poo. then, if the comic is bad, I wipe myself with it. Then I give it to my little brother to read.
-Maurice McFeces
If the walls have toes should we clip them?
Max
If they cut off the ears where would they put their 2 carat diamonds? I dont get it.
Usher
Man and woman are designed to go together. Whoever said this has obviously not gone to design school.
I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of it while I read tomorrow's newspaper.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend and I slept on the beach last night, and I'm still trying to get the sand off of my bunkbed.
-Jarod Kintz
To some staring at the computer screen is like gazing into the eyes of a lover. But the computer screen comes with a mute button.
There was once a giant flower that was an amazing basketball player. He played so much that he got dehydrated and died. His name was Wilt.
-Jarod Kintz
The rant is cheap when you live in a bar.
-Jarod Kintz
Is it better to help someone who can't help themselves, or someone who has the ability to help others? I don't know. But both are preferable to someone who helps themselves to whatever they want.
-Jarod Kintz
If time really were a river, I wish it were the Nile, because it would flow north, as opposed to south. I guess then we would be born old and then regress to infants before viciously being eaten by crocodiles.
-Jarod Kintz
It's fun to talk business over your dinner. Especially when you are eating your business partner.
-Jarod Kintz
I love to make pizza and throw the dough up way in the air. My favorite topping is compulsiveness.
If you live your life in a book the walls will always be closing in on you.
-Jarod Kintz
I got married in a blender. Now my other half is in a glass that's half full.
-Jarod Kintz
I enjoy planting so much I have started a garden. I have had to give it up though, attractive men don't seem to grow in florida soil.
Lauren Zimpel
to circumvent a booby trap, always dress like giant nipples.
-Jarod Kintz
Babe, the Ruth shall set you free.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is like investing. Sometimes it takes little or no money, just a lot of haggling.
-Jarod Kintz
Orgasms are like bananas: best in bunches.
-Jarod Kintz
In life there is no compass, you have to find your own direction. And don't use your penis as the guiding needle.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't want to be old and senile. I believe my body is a temple. And who wants to desecrate a temple by pissing all over it?
-Jarod Kintz
I hate going out in public with a mask on, I feel that I am decieving the world. But it is so much fun to scare little kids.
They say that when you see an opportunity you should seize it. But where do you put it?
Take pride in your workweek, not your weak work.
-Jarod Kintz
Strength rises from weakness like an erection in the night.
-Jarod Kintz
As an orange farmer I don't believe in mixing business with pleasure. That's why I drink my vodka strait.
-Jarod Kintz
Half of wat I write is garbage. But if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head.
-Jarod Kintz
When life gives you lemons, squeeze the hell out of your balls, and you'll forget all about your worldly troubles.
-Jarod Kintz
Someties opportunity doesn't knock, it rings the doorbell. and sometimes it even brings a pizza with it too.
-Jarod Kintz
College is filled with lots of girls who have no class.
-Jarod Kintz
I was so hungry my stomach was growling. so I decided to eat my own leg. Or was that a vicious wolf?
-Jarod Kintz
The governments pockets are deeper tan their knowlege of economics. Unfortunately, those are the people's pockets. That's why I don't wear any pants.
-Jarod Kintz
It's hard to brainwash a country when you can only fit three people in a dryer at one time.
-Jarod Kintz
Some people think nature is their God. I'd like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.
-Jarod Kintz
It's hard to get even when your odd. Thus sayeth the prime number who joined the circus.
-Jarod Kintz
Adam falls in time of nude.
-Jarod Kintz
Life is too funny for God not to exist. Who else would laugh at me smashing my penis with a hammer after thinking about nailing my neighbors wife?
-Jarod Kintz
Of course God exists. I spoke to him yesterday. He told me to tell you to bring some marshmallows to your funeral.
-Jarod Kintz
There is a man called Thomas Gaint, who paints pictures with blood on canvases made of human flesh. His pictures tell of suffering, mostly from the making of the canvases. But, no paint, no Gaint.
-Jarod Kintz
I've always envied bums in boxes. It makes it really easy to move.
-Jarod Kintz
sex is a beautiful thing. So is a sunset. Both can be enjoyed from a porchswing.
-Jarod Kintz
The future has a way of sneaking up behind you, like a midget in the night.
-Jarod Kintz
A deadline is a joyous occasion. One that calls for jump-roping. Or maybe skipping.
-Jarod Kintz
Learning is a curve best taken strait on.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm currently learning how to learn how to learn. It's such a sweeping learning curve I often circle back on myself.
-Jarod Kintz
An albino midget with two metal crutches and a wooden leg makes for a great barstool.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is great with anybody, so long as it's me.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is for extroverts. Masturbation is for introverts.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is best in pairs. I mean, who wants to watch bananas fornicate?
-Jarod Kintz
One plus one equals fornication. So does one plus three.
-Jarod Kintz
I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.
-Jarod Kintz
Fifty percent of what I say is only half true. The other fifty pecent is based on the first fifty percent, half the time.
-Jarod Kintz
A small fraction of the population doesn't even understand division. Yet they are the ones that multiply the fastest.
-Jarod Kintz
Your parents won't approve of you having sex, but your kids will.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend's breath stinks. Maybe she should take her foot out of her mouth more often.
-Jarod Kintz
It's bad luck to walk under an Arab ladder. A camel will piss on you.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes, sex is like applause. You've got to give yourself a hand.
-Jarod Kintz
Memories are like blankets: the best ones always seem to be warm and fuzzy.
-Jarod Kintz
I lay in the sun to lighten my hair and darken my skin. I consider it being productive. That way I am killing all of my bodies follicles at once.
i lay in the sun to give myself an even tan. (and i brazilian wax) after tai bo class i like to compare my ass with others. my biggest pet peeve is having the whitest ass in the shower.
Maybe you should start taking an albino Donkey with you.
RoRoUrBoat
RoRoUrBoat,
I am in the market to buy an albino donkey. Can you recommend an honest used donkey dealer? Mike Ramos loves riding donkeys. I'll let him know you want to let him ride that donkey.
Yours Truly,
Jarod Kintz
My donkey's name is Peanuts, and he's 118 years old. He's not very fun to ride, but if Mike would like to ride my donkey, I wouldn't say no! As for an albino donkey dealer, my roommates dad sells lemons, I've heard donkeys love lemons.
RoRoUrBoat
RoRoUrBoat,
Mike and I love to swing, but not in the Arizona heat. You'll have to come to Florida to get wet. I'd love to squeeze your lemons, and Mike likes it juicy.
Yours,
Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz,
Don't lie. You know that you are a fan of squeezing bananas. I have seen you sneaking around the monkey cages of the zoo you were kicked out of last year.
Larry
I'll hitch up Peanuts to the carriage and be on my way. What are you doing in about two weeks? With an albino donkey you should be able to see me comein, that and miner hat that my donkey wears.
RoRoUrBoat
RORoUrBoat,
I'm coming to meet you. I'll skip classes. I'm bringing my friend Zeno. We'll meet you halfway. If you'r bringing the Peanuts, I'll bring the Coke.
Until We Meet,
Jarod Kintz
I happen to like watching bananas fornicate thank you very much! But only if it is with a peach.
I'm not anti-banana, I just get tired of carrying them around in my pockets. But when you hang out in a zoo, you kind of half to. Peaches are fine. They make me feel fuzzy and warm inside.
-Jarod Kintz
I have jumped hoops, played from the corner to the back, set goals and ran laps, all to be on par, in my game of Parchesi.
Lauren Zimpel
I have reached Texas in my journey to meet you. I shot an elephant in my pajamas this morning. I tried to remove his tusks, they were in pretty tight. Too bad it wasn't an Alabamian elephant, their tusks are loser.
Can't wait to meat you,
RoRoUrBoat
RoRoUrBoat,
The Ukraine gets cold this time of year. A man with two arms is not as good as a man with fifty. But they have to be powerful. I don't like to arm wrestle, but Yuri does. Unfortunately, your boat might sink if you do not paddle faster. Remember our date, I don't like to be stood up when I am standing on my arms. My wallet is thin, just like my patience. Only the Viktor can survive a no show. Look to the billboards to see the sign. The man with fifty arms always points in the right direction. Don't wear a watch, no man shall know the hour of his death, as it is written in the contract with the big boss. But if you show up on time, you will meet the man who fishes with blood at another time. Bring a suitcase, and pack wisely, and don't forget my socks. As a shark smells blood, so I smell deceit. And nobody brings me dirty socks.
-Jarod Kintz
George,
you still don't trust me? Your father and I go way back, I am fully aware of his methods of motivation. I am just a butler, and your socks will always be clean. But I only have two hands, it is you who give me the strong arms for which to defend myself. For that I am eternally grateful. Was the albino donkey as good as I promised? Tell Ivan if he wants to make some instant coffee, he knows how to get in touch with me. The man with the umbrella is always open to suggestions. I roll with the punches like a boxer on a tricycle. The ring is not yet been broken, and the ref has been bought. Vlad wants in on the action, but I told him to ask you. Like a chewed rope, he's a-frayed. Tomorrow you should have my answer yesterday. I'll call you tonight. take it easy on Vlad, he means well.
-Jarod Kintz
What does it mean to be in love? I think it is like falling into a tank of oil, surrounded by darkness, with only a match to light the way. When it strikes, it is all consuming.
-Jarod Kintz
When I said that being in love was like falling into oil, I was speaking hypothetically. I don't know many people that have been there before. Except John and Patty Goosefur, who after fifty years of marriage, burned to death while their son gave commentary as he filmed it.
-Jarod Kintz
My love is a red, red Rosen named Thornton.
-Jarod Kintz
Love is like a snake. It has a way of humbling you so you wish you were on your knees.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is best when wrathful. Also, when there is a bathful.
-Jarod Kintz
Being in love is like standing in the middle of a carwash. In the begginning you feel so warm, wet and steamy but before you know it you are getting hit from every side as if everything you had grown accustomed to suddenly was being stripped from your vulnerable body. Then, in the end, the inevitable happens, you get burned by hot wax.
Lauren Zimpel
Lumber Jackass. You bring the donkey I'll bring the wood.
-Jarod Kintz
I'll bring peanuts!
Everybody could use more friends. But don't use them too much, you don't want to lose them.
-Jarod Kintz
I like having the family over for the hollidays. Over seas.
-Jarod Kintz
If I were to drink water from the Fountain of Youth, and then pee it into your mouth as you drink it, would you instantly grow old?
-Jarod Kintz
I knew a homeless man who ran a business out of his home. I think he sold boxes.
-Jarod Kintz
If a homeless man starts selling boxes to other homeless people, is he a real estate agent of sorts?
-Jarod Kintz
There are many religions out there with many similarities. I want to find all the similarities and then start a new one based on differences. For example, I don't think there is a religion out there that prohibits the use of pants, or the use of raw fishes as profylactics. Well, there needs to be. Because Fish and sex makes love really stink.
-Jarod Kintz
I never lie about lying, except when I'm telling the truth about lying. Well, no, that's a lie. Or was it?
-Jarod Kintz
Love is like smashing your fist through a five-foot block of ice. It's easier when it you let it melt with the sunshine.
-Jarod Kintz
The last time I took home two women from the bar I ran out of gas before dropping off the second girl.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to go door-to-door selling doors. But not just any door, a new anti-door-to-door salesman door. The doorbell, once pushed, distributes electromagnetic shock to the pusher.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to find the good in any situation, and I'll pull out every dressor drawer and slash every sofa cushion in your home to find it. Even if you are having sex on the couch at the time.
-Jarod Kintz
You know how they have dog whistles that only dogs can hear? I want to make a madman megaphone that projects jokes only the insane find funny.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate being rudely interrupted by silence, especially during a well-timed fart.
-Jarod Kintz
World's 77th greatest DAD!!!
-Jarod Kintz
Journalists don't have sex in the missionary position, or doggystyle. They don't even like horse and carriage or the frog. They prefer the inverted pyramid.
-Jarod Kintz
A man hasn't exhausted all his options until he's taken his own life. And, judging by the way of life of most Americans, this is the best possible course for many individuals.
-Jarod Kintz
I first realized I was in love when I saw my ex-girlfriend naked. That's when I broke up with her and called my current girlfriend.
-Jarod Kintz
The killer didn't have a safety button on his gun, so he wore a condom on his trigger finger for protection.
-Jarod Kintz
This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed we woke up the neighbors. I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.
-Jarod Kintz
you are ___more beautiful than a zebra horticulturist wearing leapard panties and Wave Farrers____.
You make me __feel all giggly inside like I just ate a clown_____.
You should ___never go dancing with a man with no feet____.
Someday I will ___make you my wife's best casserole___.
You + me =___someone with four arms and legs and two heads_____.
If I saw you now I'd __probably have the world's strongest binoculars and be sitting in the world's tallest tree________.
I would build a __bridge out of used matches _____ just for you.
I would get your name tattooed on my ___pet elephant, Bruno_______.
If I could sing you any song it would be ___a song only audible to non human ears______.
We could __flop like fish________ under the stars.
My love for you is like that of __orchid for Mountain Dew__________.
Love,
______Your biggest non-industrial fan_________
(P.S. __if you go with me I'll save you money on your air conditioning bill____________.)
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Rinaldo,
I had a wonderful time with you last night. However, I did find it a little rude that you sneezed on my cat and then proceeded to blow your nose in her fur. Don't you know that's what my sleeve is for? Anyways, I did have fun donning a helmet and riding on your back as we rode headlong into the wind on your beautiful blue unicycle.
Yours Truly.
Jarod Kintz
The wind blue like a smurf.
The guy who wakes up next to you every morning has got to be the luckiest man in the world. And the guy who wakes up next to him would have to be the second luckiest man.
-Jarod Kintz
Papa Smurf's turf is blue not green.
Everything is better in blue. Most importantly, sex is better in blue. If you see sex on TV, it's 1/3 blue sex, based on the fact that TVs are made up of three colors: red, green, and blue. So sex on TV is only a third as great as it could be, I feel, and could be much better if only it were all in blue. And what they say is true: once you go blue, you never go green or red.
-Jarod Kintz
Flipper might have said: You can find me lounging around in the water here in beautiful, sunny Florida. Did you know dolphins, like people, have sex for fun? And if you've ever seen me swim, you know I can work my hips. Come take a dip with me. It'll be the ride of your life.
-Jarod Kintz
Flipper might have said:
All those water traffic police. Those living speed bumps who give their lives enforcing boating speed limits. Assuming we both had hands, I'd like to give every manatee a firm handshake.
-Jarod Kintz
The Keebler elf might have said: I make cookies and I make love, and I'm great at both. I'm a chef and a sex god. Chocolate and sex, I provide women with what they want. And I'll provide it all night long, if that's what you desire. Indulge your fantasies. I know I do.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to meet a cannibal cookie, and eat him before he eats me.
-Jarod Kintz
An orchestra of oven timers going off is music to my ears. A song that not only sounds beautiful, but tastes great too.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish my love was all the water in the oceans. I'd have enough love for everyone, except all those who tried to drink up and subsist on my salty love, because the more they'd drink, the thirstier they'd become. And for those people, I'd laugh at their death, because I have no love for stupid people.
I'm a socialist of sorts, an odd kind of socialist. I wish we could evenly distribute the wealth in America. Every other person would get money, and every odd person would get none.
Never trust a man you can't fit in your pocket. Either avoid fat men, or get deeper, wider pockets.
For my birthday last year, I came home to find 16 monkeys in my living room. Apparently my friends misheard me when I told them I wanted piles and piles of money for my birthday. Oh I got piles and piles of something all right, and I spent nearly an hour cleaning up my carpets and walls.
Death waits on no man, and neither do I. But I'll sure wait on a beautiful woman.
Life can be considered a negotiating process. And death is the closing of the deal. But dying is the worst kind of business deal because death is impatient. Death waits for no man, yet man is expected to wait his whole life for death. Who needs that kind of business transaction? That's why I think suicide is the ultimate entrepreneurial act. You decide when, where, and how you want to die. Unfortunately though, I don't think suicide pays off as much in the long run.
He was an interesting man. He was wise for an Italian. He was a lasagna of light, with layers of illumination. And I felt enlightened just eating him.
People forget that there are two parts to art: skill and inspiration. Skill is just that, it's the ability to carry out your concept. Fortunately, if you don't possess the skill, you can get it with lots of time and hard work. Inspiration, on the other foot, is the talent, genius and conceptuality of art. It is what drives the truly great art. You either have it or you don't. And if you don't, you can't simply put in the time to get it. Ideas are the most important aspect to art. Skill is just the beast of burden, the manual laborer, which actually makes the piece. But there would be no piece if there were no grand idea, no architect. There would be no concept for which to start working towards. And art with no concept is no art. No matter how skilled, it's just not art. Scribbling on a canvas is not art. One might even argue that it lacks skill.
I met a man who was afraid of crops. He also had a phobia of a certain shape, circles to be exact. But I didn't understand him, he was completely alien to me.
I don't fish, but my old boss was a fisherman. One day, after hearing one of his big fish tales, I called him out about it. He got offended and said that he was Scottish, and the Scots were famous for not exaggerating. (insert pic. of Loch Ness monster)
I used to want a gold Rolex the size of Texas, but then I realized it wouldn't be big enough for me. Because I want all the time in the world, I'd need a watch with exactly the same dimensions as the earth. And if you've ever seen my skinny wrists, you'd know there's no way my wrists could accommodate such a time piece.
I try to keep a perspective on life by always being thankful I procrastinated yesterday, and remembering that tomorrow may never come. That leaves today for me to leave it all until the day after tomorrow, which, hopefully, will get rescheduled until next Tuesday, the first day of my weekend.
-Jarod Kintz
A shoe can't read books because it can't turn the pages. And it has no fingers, and its only friends are toes.
-Jarod Kintz
Abe Lincoln might have said, My top hat was large enough to pull a rabbit out if it. But the only thing I pulled with that hat were high class whores. God I loved that hat.
-Jarod Kintz
Bill Clinton might have said, Every single American who voted me into office is my hero. Especially the single women.
-Jarod Kintz
The quickest way to make money is, has, and will always involve vices, e.g. gambling, guns, prostitution and drugs. If Mexico does make it legal to sell drugs there, it will drastically change the dynamic of the country. First off, these street thugs that push drugs will still remain street vendors. Their status won't change. What will change is who runs the drugs. It will be like Vegas in the 60s. It will change from Mafia to Corporate America. Big money will come in and take over and reap all the benefits. It will become a huge tourist destination, but many Mexicans will be pissed because they will be exploited and passed over with the big profits just like thy are here. They will become our beasts of burden, only they won't have to hop the border to do it. Instead of pushing lawn mowers they will be pushing our drugs. I am neither for nor against it, it's not my home. If they do pass it, they can expect a lot of change, I just hope they know what kind of players will show up with open checkbooks to buy in to the business.
-Jarod Kintz
American Farmer: I'm tired of people eating the fruits of my labor.
Alcohol is like Kanye West's music: too much will leave you nautious. And by too much I mean six double shots, or six seconds.
WFKE: Your real source for fake news.
Bubba's Parks: We have the finest trailer parks in Georgia.
-Jarod Kintz
Bubba's Parks says thanks for the add. Don't be ghetto, be trailer trash!
-Jarod Kintz
Gangsta Shoe
Every day before work, my stomach was tied in knots. Hitting the streets all day long was what I did. I didn't make myself a white running shoe with green laces and trim, I was just made like that. I was a street runner, a true hustler. I didn't want to be dirty, I just was. One day, while I was bitch slapping the pavement, and pounding my product, someone asked me if I lace my green. I told that Busta, "Bitch, you know I lace dat shit." Soon after I got all tripped up and shit. All of the sudden I had mothafuckas knockin' at my box. I got evicted from my closet and kicked to the curb. I aint never stepped out of line, and I always be holdin' my tongue back. I may be a used shoe, but I aint never been used like that before. I had a damn good life, too. Even though I aint no Mormon, I had seven cotton wives, one for each day of the week. All were white and filthy, just like me. I aint seen my brotha neither, not since we used to run these streets. And we did. We ran these streets. But now I know who really run these streets. The Man run these muthafuckin' streets.
A Saga of Scandal
By Bruce The Butler
His socks are extra large,
if you know what I mean,
and he's such a prude
that he has them dry cleaned.
But today I found a sock
not in his top drawer,
but in the sweet-smelling chambers
of our sassy maid whore.
I suspect my master has a mistress,
as there were sex stains on her sheets,
and last night, groans of pleasure no less,
and even bursts and splashes of shouts.
Oh, I can hardly wait til supper to rub one out,
as I'm sure Chef Le Balle will let
me season his tasty white trout.
-Jarod Kintz
THe Splendor of the Blender: THe things that excite the senses the most are the things you ought not get mixed up with.
-Jarod Kintz
Our relationship was hot like a flame broiled hamburger until fate split us in two. You see, I like cheese and pickles, and she only likes ketchup. And I can't morally date a girl who doesn't like cheese and pickles.
The only time I'll get into the ocean is if the world sets itself on fire.
My ex girlfriend was like a sock, she just disappeared one day. One minute I was shoving her into the dryer, and the next minute she had vanished. If I could only see her now, I'm sure this has put a stain on our relationship.
The truth is like a cat: It will sleep safely in the sunshine, and it can see through the darkness.
Negative thoughts are like elephants: they are too big to let wander in an open mind, and they will trample the grass lands of your dreams.
I was the leader and organizer of a one man anti-social rally. The turnout was more than I expected, considering the meeting was at 7:00 in the morning and I never thought I'd get up in time. I was going to offer free doughnuts and coffee as incentives for everyone who showed up, but I didn't see how that was possible. I ended up paying for the doughnuts.
Knowing that time is money, I want to start managing my time like big companies manage their money. I want to outsource sets of 60 seconds to guys in India who will work for ten seconds on the minute, and accomplish nearly what I would accomplish in a fraction of the time. Big companies save money this way, why can't I also save time like that? Americans, myself included, are far too expensive and lazy to be efficient.
Is it so far ahead of the curve that you circle back on the crowd?
A-Fish-In-Sea is not splashing around in the waves, but it's riding the current and utilizing the momentum of nature.
The future is nothing more than the past in reverse. Except it's more like driving with no rear view mirror, and having your eyes gouged out and ear drums popped. The most you can feel are vibrations that may or may not be vital.
-Jarod Kintz
There were 17 dark Mexians in a white car with a yellow luggage bin on top. It looked like a speeding bean and cheese burrito, and it was being shuttled by a Butler who's a Brit, complete with the bad teeth and a snobby smirk. But they are on their way to China town to meet two guys named Chin (also called Double Chin), and Mr Fu. Mr. Fu wants to team up with the Mexicans and make fortune burritos.
But first, which came first, the chicken, or the egg drop soup?
-Jarod Kintz
There were 17 dark Mexians in a white car with a yellow luggage bin on top. It looked like a speeding bean and cheese burrito, and it was being shuttled by a Butler who's a Brit, complete with the bad teeth and a snobby smirk. But they are on their way to China town to meet two guys named Chin (also called Double Chin), and Mr Fu. Mr. Fu wants to team up with the Mexicans and make fortune burritos.
But first, which came first, the chicken, or the egg drop soup?
-Jarod Kintz
If the truth hurts sometimes, then there's nothing more honest than kicking a loved one in the balls.
Sometimes it can take a lifetime to develop patience. Unfortunately, my impatients will probably kill me first.
The patient man waits to make a wise decision before he makes a move. The impatient man makes a move then waits to see if he made a wise decision. Two different philosophies, and quite likely two very different outcomes.
Winning is like a pile of shit: You never want to rub it in someone's face after you do it, even if they are a terrible loser.
Men are like birds: God gave us wings in the form of imagination so that we may fly from the bottom of our minds to the top of the sky, quite literally. The Wright brothers were no different than great artists or writers; they all had/have a jet-powered imagination.
-Jarod Kintz
Thomas Edison was right. My inspiration is my perspiration--lots of it. I keep buckets of my sweat around. I find it helps me think. 99 buckets of perspiration for every 1 bucket-sized inspirational thought.
-Jarod Kintz
"If my anger were an anus, you'd be the guy trying to insert a can of Cheese Wiz and a box of Ritz crackers up my asshole, without even considering whether I wanted a can of soda to follow it up."
"All we have is Pepsi, is that OK?"
"Yeah, that's fine."
I wish all the sadness of the world were encapsulated in all the peanuts that go into the peanut butter of every Reces Pieces. I say this because there would be no more sadness in the world, because what peanut wouldn't happily want to be crushed and smothered by chocolate? I know I would, and I'm only a Mr. Peanut impersonator.
Sadly, sadness isn't like water on a dog, something you can just shake off. It's more like paint, it eventually just wears off. And although I haven't actually sanded and painted a dog yet, I don't think dogs can just shake sadness off either.
-Jarod Kintz
I never keep elephants in my closet, they'd crush all the skeletons there.
-Jarod kintz
If Jello were a person, I just might convert to cannibalism, and I'd have no problem eating a family of six.
If Jello were a stripper, I'd pay good money to see her shake and jiggle that ass. Then I'd take her home with me and stuff her in my fridge, or maybe even spend all my time with her spooning.
If Jello were a politicina, he'd conform himself to the exact shape of every policy. And he'd give you such a good feeling in your stomach that you'd just have to vote for him.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd never make a good mystery shopper. It's no secret if I want to buy something or not. I'd make a better mystery cashier because I'd never show up for work.
-Jarod Kintz
The best things in life always seem to be green. Money, ereralds, Gumby, and of course, me--Green Jello. I'm a chill sort of guy, and I can adapt to my surroundings. I can be molded to be exactly the sort of man you want me to be. If you want a really square kind of guy, I can be that. If you want a playful guy who has many sides and shapes, I can be that for you too. Another man might get into your heart, but nobody will get into your stomach as smoothly as I will. I'm the Don Juan of the fridge. also, I don't dance, I just sort of jiggle and shake my ass. I won't leave my bowl and head out to the dance floor by myeself, you'll have to literally carry me out there. If I meet you at the bar or club, and you think I'm going to have sex with you on the first night you are beyond wrong. The most you can hope for is lots of spooning ;) I don't date women who are powderheads, women who are into nose candy. If you and I are ever going to mix, you've got to bring the water.
-Jarod Kintz
Even if the person you are talking to has amnesia, it's a good habit to never tell the same joke twice. Unless you have amnesia, then feel free to reread this as often as once every five seconds. Did you already forget what i was talking about? Go back to the beginning of this paragraph to find out.
There's too uch violence in the vodka. Stir it up, don't shake it.
Computers are way too expensive. in the old days, when i got a letter in the mail that made me mad, I'd simply burn it. But now, when I get an email that irks me, I have to stop myself from dowsing my PC with kerosine and lighting it on fire. I've replaced too many e machines like that.
It's not acceptable to burn an American flag, but is it ok to burn a computer with an image of an American flag on the screen?
In relationships, acts of trust are the bricks that build the foundation, while the cement is the bond that holds the body of your ex to the bottom of the pond.
Good relationships can last a lifetime. So can bad ones, if the two people kill each other.
I like dating a girl with high standards. It shows she knows how to break her own rules.
When seeking advice, in any aspect of life, it's best to consult an expert. So if you want to find out all about inefficiency, talk to someone in a government agency.
"Kintz, is that German?"
"Sure is."
"Who's German?"
"My dad is."
"Does he speak German?"
"No, and he doesn't speak to me either"
(Two guys standing in an empty field with a sign that says, "There's a lot for sale here.")
"There's nothing here."
"I know, it's perfect. You can build whatever you want."
"But if there is nothing here, how can there be a lot?"
"We're standing on it."
"We're standing on nothing?"
"No, a lot."
"A lot of what? A lot of grass and weeds?"
"Yeah and the dirt and land that goes with it."
"You must be a really simple man if that's what you call a lot."
"I am, and it is."
"OK, I'll take it."
A criminal can't escape if the prison is in his own mind. Serving a psychological sentence of a year is probably harder than serving a lifetime sentence behind bars. This would also reduce overcrowding in the prison system, and the criminal wouldn't be cramped in his new surroundings because statistically criminals minds are vastly empty.
It's been said that children are the future. I believe that this is true. Based on that, I can conclusively deny the existence of children, since there is no future in the present, and therefore children do not really exist yet. But that means we have a growing problem in the world. We have a rising population of people, who are unidentified, except in the fact that they are really small and uneducated. And these new people have the highest percentages of unemployment out of anywhere in the world, outside of the ghettos, of course.
-Jarod Kintz
People who live a long life and die of natural causes are lazy. They should take some initiative and kill themselves.
I won't date a girl who has noodles for brains, unless she has hair as red as pasta sauce. Mmmm, if lust were hunger, I'd be a citizen of Zimbabwe right now.
There was once a deaf and mute man who was too hungry for words to describe, probably because he had already eaten all of his fingers. When I first met him I told him I was a magician, and when he died that night I prmised to show up at his funeral. I didn't show up, but all his friends just thought that it was part of my act. In fact, I'm not a magician at all. I work in the produce section of the local grocery store. But sometimes I pull a magicians act at work and don't show up for days in a row. My managers love it. They can't figure out how I do it. The secret is not getting out of bed in the morning, and I am a master at that.
There was once a man who ran marathons wearing only cowboy boots and a pink robe. I knew this man well, but now he is mentally ill. He is now as mentally unstable as a dream about ten bowling balls stacked on the top of the cell phone of an old man in a wheel chair with only one wheel, only the man in the cowboy boots doesn't get pushed around as much. I knew him from way back from before, up until slightly after. It's not about the five seconds we knew each other, it's about what he said. I was standing in the buffet line and walks up and mutters to me, "Whatever you do, don't try the fish." And I didn't. But I did recommend it to my girlfriend. The man with the pink robe was right.
-Jarod Kintz
What is the meaning of life? I believe I found the meaning of life the other day. I found it in my chicken salad sandwich. So there I was, sitting at the booth in Panera, and as I was adding yellow mustard to my sandwich, I noticed a tiny shimmering object mixed in with the chicken salad. I lowered my head to get a closer view and what did I find? It was nothing short of the most miraculous big toe toenail I have ever seen. It was the longest and thickest nail that my eyes have ever laid feast on. And then it hit me: we are all lonely toe nails floating in this chicken salad world of ours, waiting to be eaten by the unknown. So I covered up the nail with my bread and proceeded to eat from the sandwich of knowledge. Adam had his fruit that enabled him to see a different perspective on the world, and I had my toe nail.
-Jarod Kintz