I once touched a huge pair of boobs. Quite nice. I wouldn't do it again though, I still have the scar from where the gorilla through me into the fence.
When God designed nipples, he should have designed a nipple the size of Texas, so that all the children of the land could eat there for breakfast, and the men of the land could play there at night. -Jarod Kintz
Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe caught in the door and Mrs. Hoffstead started singing "Yes We Have No Bananas Today" in the hall so loud the police were called in from Equador. -Jarod Kintz
Of course I carry a gun. When you operate a fruitstand, people will always try to rob you of your ripest fruit. The ripes of wrath. And if you try to pluck even a single grape, I'll pluck your eyeball out. But if you stand on your head and whistle for eight hours strait, I just might give you some free fruit. -Jarod Kintz
Is it insane in here or is it just us? I mean me. Well, him too, but more so me. Well, what about me? I told them about you, so go back to your side. Your always pushing me around, and I've almost had all I can take. Oh, what are you going to do...move out? Well if I do, I'm taking the furniture. You can't do that I paid for half of it. -Jarod Kintz, Jarod Kintz
Every office does have a flow. The President pisses on the Vice President, and he in turn pisses on the Director and so on and so forth. Before the next company function ask yourself if urine vited. -Jarod Kintz
I am a lonely unicycle. I don't have a wheel of a life partner. Life just revolves around me. I'd much rather be a married bicycle, rather than a bachelor unicycle. I might even like trying to be a swinging tricycle, but I can't even get one wheel- how am I supposed to get two? Life is about balance, I've come to understand. And I am awkward at best; I am a failed man. I am so jealous of those Mormon cars. THEM, with their three wives. And they even have time for a spare! Life is a bumpy road, and very carefully is how I tread.
RoRoUrBoat, Your actions at our last meeting were like vodka: smooth and refined. You mix well. We should have sex on the beach. Vera Beach. Next tuesday, same time as previously arranged. Bring a wetsuit and an umbrella. Ever swam with the sharks? -Jarod Kintz
On the way to the supermarket I tripped over my pants and accidentally landed in a whorehouse (title of a new children's book I'm working on) -Jarod Kintz
I have tennis elbow in my knee from playing soccer with a tennis ball. It's like Pele meets Andy Roddick meets my grandpa Charles with the wooden leg. -Jarod Kintz
I don't own a wetsuit. I'd rather wear my birthday suit. I'd like to swim with the sharks, but instead I work with them everyday. I think I'll evolve into a type of squid, then I can squirt ink their eyes when they piss me off!
I meet friends in crazy places. Like the time I met Frank at Grandmother's house one family reunion. I accidentally sat on him. He was hiding in the sofa. Nobody knew him, and we were going to let him stay, but Grandmother didn't think it was right for a grown man to shit all over himself and her apholstery. -Jarod Kintz
I enjoy endless foreplay in closets. She keeps putting clothes on and I keep taking them off. then we'll get really kinky, and I'll put her clothes on and she'll take them off. -Jarod Kintz
I think inter-gender fraternization among employees is great. Sex on the clock is wonderful--it's two more hands to spice up the foreplay. -Jarod Kintz
Sex should be like a riot. There should be lots of people, it should get violent, and people should get handcuffed, all while milions of people watch on TV. -Jarod Kintz
Children are like bad books. You either want to burn them, or sell them, but ultimately you end up finding a good use for them like leaving them in your parents attic. -Jarod Kintz
The internet is a great way to meet people. It's how I met my neighbor whom I haven't seen in the five years he's been living in the neighborhood. -Jarod Kintz
"Fear is like a car. Either you control it, or you let it paralyze you," he says as he takes a drink. "Is that an automatic or a manual transmission?" I ask. "It doesn't matter. Both would work," he says. "Well, one lets you shift your moods and gives you more control than the other. And does that make courage like traffic lights? Obviously seatbelts represent caution." I say. -Jarod Kintz
It doesn't take a geologist to figure out that sex is at the core of every relatioship. Just don't go around drilling in your neighbors yard. -Jarod Kintz
Wherever you are, success is just around the corner. That's because wherever you are, there is also a bar just around the corner. Success doesn't pick you up, you've got to find it. -Jarod Kintz
I love sex. I love everything about it. The smell, the taste, the half-beaten albino in the corner with the videocamera and horse tranquilizers. A little more about me. Back in high school I was the first runner up to the Salutorian, and I was in the 25th percentile. My school was 50%special education kids, so I feel privelaged to have distinguished myself academically like that. I had my option of any junior college or trade school in the tri-(that means four) county area. Mother says no one has a future like mine (she should know, a fortune cookie said I was special,, well not in those exact words, but kind of. Also, the lucky numbers on the back were my birthday, well, there was a 5 and a 3 in there, so basicaly it's fate. The stars alligned within that wafer confection to show that I held greatness on par with many famous men in history. Most notably, the first man to undergo electroshock therapy, and the first man to get his "no-no" caught in his zipper in the women's bathroom of the all-girls college where I aplied, and nearly got in if it weren't for that Title IX [that means eight in Romanian or Yugoslovanian, I forget] bullshit). Since graduation I have done many excellent things. I was the first person to protest people protesting protestors, but not because I believed in what the original protestors believed, (I have no idea what they stood for)but because I had some leftover cardboard from a school project. It's amazing the way the sun catches glitter on cardboard can stir the masses to violence. Unfortunately for me, I was the target of both groups of protestors fury on that fateful morning. The other thing I'm infamous for around here is I was the first man to get caught masturbating in an all-girls college (the same one I did not get accepted in to). They claimed they heard me moaning, but that was in fact Jazelle, my pet goat, who was taking a shit in the stall next to mine. -Jarod Kintz
Like my meals, I like sex three times a day. And also like my meals, I like sex fast, and I get frustrated when there is a long line of guys in front of me. -Jarod Kintz
I'd rather have a barbeque than have sex, unless it's with my neighbor, then I'd definitely rather have sex, because he always burns the meat, and she is very hot. -Jarod Kintz
My grandparents just celebrated their 50th wedding annaversary. They tried to give me marital advice and I got offended and said, "No offense, but what do you know about marriage? You've only ever been in one of them." They looked dissapointed, but I could tell they were proud at how wise their grandson was. -Jarod Kintz
Life is like my grandpa's left leg. A bit shorter than he expected, and when he lost it due to gangrene he felt bad for his socks, one of them having just lost its partner of over forty years. He never took them off in all that time, even to shower. That might be why he got gangrene. -Jarod Kintz
The way we argued, it wasn't a date it was a debate. I knew I'd never take her out again the moment she said she'd never let me take her out again. I got angry and did something I shouldn't have. That was over two months ago. I keep sending flowers, and pondering our brief relationship as I sit on her headstone. Maybe it's time to move on, the police are still looking for me. -Jarod Kintz
I never like to shave while driving. Mostly because we only have one sink, and there's not enough room for both my wife and the car in the bathroom. -Jarod Kintz
If I were a browny I think I'd be a nutty brownie. And I'd be into bestiality because my cats love brownies, and I'd love them back. Shiny objects are great things to attract cosumers. One could almost make the comparricon that consumers are like fish. -Jarod Kintz
Have I got a deal for you. Just look at this beast of a car I have on my profile. Cobalt blue, at least I think it's Cobalt. I'm color blind, so what do I know? I'll tell you what I do know, is this is a heck of a car, at a heck of a price. Plush cotton seating that has conviniently already been broken in, and so has the car on several occasions. Criminals have great taste. I should know. And because I got this at the police impound, you know you're dealing with a fine piece of machinery. This engine screams luxury. Well, it just screams. Maybe it's thirsty for oil. Who knows these things? I'm no mechanic, I'm just a guy with a keen eye for value.
I like urinating in the back seats of every car I sell. It's just sort of a macho hobby thing I do. It makes me smile knowing that whenever I sell a car to a teenage kid, that he's going to be having sex on the very seat I pissed on.
I try to discourage my customers from listening to music. Mostly I say this because the beaters I sell either have no radio, because it got stolen, or it's a busted radio, because they don't respond too well to getting urinated on. -Jarod Kintz
I've never met a man I couldn't beat up. Usually, I'm too pissed off to introduce myself after they kick my ass.
I'll never fight a loser; it's too degrading when they beat you up.
Love is fast. Love is like the interstate. I've never fallen in love with a woman under 65. I'm always speeding, and the women are usually slowly marching to senility.
I want to make the world's tallest luxury car. It'll be fifteen stories tall, but have no doors, and only one window at the top. And the only way to get out is to open the window and jump. This car is targeted at over-stressed corporate executives.
Midgets do not belong in management; because it's only natural for employees to always go above their heads.
I'm Alexander the Great, and I love children. If your little boy has a knot in his shoe, don't untie it, take out your sword and chop off his foot!
A businessman who has emotional extremities, i.e. angry fists, a lustful penis, and stubborn feet is about as efficient as a carpenter with no arms building a boat with no bottom, using a hammer made out of Play Dough.
There was once a chicken, who aspired to be the most social and knowledgeable creature in the world. He wanted to meet everyone and every thing. So he set about doing just that. Hemet his neighbors, he met their dog, their house, their kitchen, their pool, their car, and so on and so on. This went on for years. Well, after twenty years, and meeting the President, all the authors and actors, Kanye West, the space shuttle, the Eiffel tower, and anything else he could think of, he thought he was at the end of his journey. Then his neighbors called him for a surprise. They said they were going to show him something he had never seen, something he had never met. That night, he felt like he might lose his mind, he was so anxious. Well, the next morning, after a hearty breakfast of four eggs and toast, his neighbors sat him on a tree stump. Then the man went into the shed and brought out an object that shimmered in the light. Oh how the chicken loved shiny things, and he couldn't wait to be acquainted with this object. Within minutes, the chicken had met with the axe. If a spectator thought the chicken had lost his mind the night before, he was even crazier now, flopping around with excitement. So ecstatic was he that he not only lost his mind, but he lost his head as well. The chicken only met with a half a dozen things after this encounter. The neighbor's deep fryer, a black pan, some spices, and the digestive system of his neighbors. But of all the people and things that the crazy old chicken met, he'd probably say that he was more pleased to meet the axe than say Kanye West, for certainly the axe was much sharper and Kanye very dull by contrast. But surely, after hearing the whistle of the axe, and Kanye West speak, both are enough to make you lose your mind, regardless of species.
Fear has a way of paralyzing a person. The biggest coward I know happens to be in a wheel chair.
It might feel like a huge waste of time to take a woman to get her ring finger measured, as she stands there ogling the jewelry. And it might seem like a great idea to be efficient and just cut off her finger, take it to the jewelers to have it sized, place the ring on her finger, and rush home to sew it back on. But trust me; this is not something you want to do.
I'm working on a full-length novel for readers half the size of normal readers. The print is twice as thick as regular books, and the pages are doubly thick.
When working with a team of talented people, I like it when each person brings something different to the table. For example, one person might bring the Jell-O, and another might bring the whip cream.
I don't like my food to have certain things in it. If I find a hair in my food, I immediately send it back to the kitchen. One time, I ordered a pie at a restaurant, and I found a clown's face in it. I sent the clown and the pie back, but kept the balloons.
My local supermarket was having a special on pies. Buy one get the second one free. So I bought one, and I immediately drove over to my pseudo friend, Giggles' house. That clown is so two faced, and I now had a pie for each of them. -Jarod Kintz
The government has too much power now. We can't simply pull the plug, we have to chop the cord off.
The people at Kleenex will probably have you believe that laughter is not as valuable as crying is. But I think that the kind of laughter that brings you to tears is the second most valuable thing in the world. And the first most valuable thing is not a Kleenex.
Sex is like dinner--everyone should be satisfied, including the waiter who is operating the camera. -Jarod Kintz
I'm sorry you ran out of gas in the middle of Georgia yesterday. I guess I must have siphoned too much out of your tank. Maybe I'll start paying for my own gas. Maybe. I'm also sorry I told you that I couldn't come pick you up because I didn't want to use up my gas (or really your gas, depending on how you look at it). I think that you should invest in a bicycle. You know Renaldo just obtained a bicycle that he's trying to dump cheaply on eBay. and, oddly enough, it looks exactly like the one that you just reported as stolen. Weird, huh? Well, I've got to run, I overslept. (you really need to get a new alarm clock. Every time you are out of town and I sleep in your bed, I always oversleep). P.S. I hope you don't mind that I started washing a load of your laundry. Underwear mostly. It was the least I could do considering I've been wearing them for weeks without telling you.
Dear Renaldo,
Do you remember that Huffy that we rode up to the 7-11 the other night on? The one I took from Edmond? well, I remember you saying that you needed money, so I think you should sell the bike back to Edmond. I already told him you were selling a bike that looked just like his old one. I think I should get half the money from the sale. you know, for finding a buyer. Oh, and i also set up an eBay account in your name just in case somebody is willing to outbid Edmond. And you say I never look out for you. Call me when you get off work.
Dear Edmond,
Thanks for setting me up on that blind date! Her seeing eye dog was very friendly. I didn't know that some blind women don't shave. Yeah, for like five minutes I was petting what I thought was her dog, but was in fact her back. She didn't say anything, she just sat there purring. Dinner was really cheap, too, because Wal-Mart was running a special on Purina. Ok, I've got to run now. Say hi to Ruprecht tonight for me. And wish him luck for me for his competition.
Dear Edmond,
So I hung out with this new girl, Gwendoll, and I brought her over to the apartment. But she apparently didn't know Renaldo and Ruprecht live with us. And when she went to open the fridge to get a condom from the bowl of Jell-O, one of our tiny room mates must have startled her. She just kept screaming, "There's a midge in the fridge! There's a midge in the fridge!" I told her to calm down. Then I told her they prefer being called, "little people," but by that time she was already halfway to her car. Psssht. Women! Who really understands them?
Dear Ruprecht,
I haven't spoken to you in a few days. How'd the competition go? What kind of competition was it again? Wasn't it a hot dog eating competition for dwarfs? Except instead of hot dogs, you guys had to eat pigs in a blanket, right? How many did you consume? Did you enter and compete in the competition wearing that mustard bottle mascot costume that your mother made for you? You looked so cute when you wore it to dinner the other night that I could have just squeezed you (i refrained because I was wearing a white shirt). well, write back soon and let me know how you did.
Yesterday, while playing baseball, I blew out my knee. that's the last time I'll ever swing at the ball with a shot gun.
I got into an argument with a microwave. Well, actually, it was more of a heated discussion. -Jarod Kintz
I just wanted to tell you that tonight is the start of my vacation. I'll be leaving directly from work to go to the airport. I've never spent more than two hours in an airport before, so for me to be spending my whole two week vacation there is pretty darn exciting. But just in case you were wondering, I locked away my Wonder bread, my thin-sliced turkey breast, and my American cheese in my combination safe. While my safe isn't refrigerated, I did manage to fit the whole thing in the kitchen fridge. But I had to move your bed, as well as Ruprecht's. Until I get back, would you two mind sleeping under the kitchen sink? (I'd recommend using the shower curtain as a blanket, since the leak under the sink has yet to be fixed). Thanks!
Didn't your mother ever tell you to grind things up before you snort them? Before I got really into cocaine I tried snorting a whole cocoa plant. Now I just huff Hershey bars. -Jarod Kintz
I haven't talked to you since you moved out so abruptly. I've been waiting for the right moment to bring this up. And that moment occured tonight between 9:49 and 9:51, while I was taking a leak on the flowers you planted last spring.
So let me start by saying that I'd like to apologize for urinating on your favorite shirt that one day, as well as letting Renaldo burn it. We should have given you a chance to take off your shirt first. I know that now. I hope I haven't burned (eek, bad word choice. Sorry, my blistered friend), or rather, destroyed our friendship.
I'd like to go mud wrestling with you again, after you completely heal, of course. If you've got the water, I've got the dirt, and Ruprecht's granmother's got the white carpet to wrestle on.
I am both glad, and sad that I know you, Vlad. I just heard the rumors that you took out my ex girlfriend, Beatrice. This both infuriates me, and yet strangely makes me tranquil.
I'll have to admit that when I first heard you had asked her out on a date I wanted to run you over. And if you were not already paralyzed, I might have done just that. But then I thought, I can't run him over now, I'd better wait until I see Beatrice pushing him around. That way, A) I'll know the rumor is true, and B) I can hit both of you in one clean sweep.
Although most people know me as a docile guy, I'll have you know that I was voted the most violent man on the chess team. This was right after I tried stabbing Johnny Nash in the eye with my rook after he beat me in the semi finals senior year.
But now I'm completely cool with the thought of the two of you. I say Suck my Balls, Beatrice. And she did, too. I just want you to think about that when she leans in for a kiss.
My mind is as vast and empty as a summer sky right now. Actually, that's not true. I'm thinking about rain, lots of rain. And how I was caught in a severe thunderstorm waiting for you.
I must have waited thirteen hours for you if it wasn't nine minutes. And, fortunately for you, I have immense foresight and decided to stay in this morning. So I stayed dry, and I didn't even bother to get out of bed.
I waited through my snooze, and I had this feeling that you wouldn't show up today. So I figured, why bother? By the way, was I correct in my assumption that you would not show up?
Get back to me and I'll try to reschedule you. And please, next time, let me know beforehand if the time of the appointment is inconvenient for you, as ten in the morning is obviously very hard to make it to.
Edmond just informed me that Renaldo made up that rumor about you and Beatrice. Apparently he was mad that I locked up my cheese while I was on vacation and made him sleep under the sink (long story).
So I'd like to apologize for the threat of assault. I'd definitely never try to run over a handicapped man, it would destroy my truck. Not to mention that wicked metal helmet you wear would be like a cannon ball through my windshield. And I highly doubt that Florida would replace that for free in this scenario.
And, on a side note, I'd just like to say that I was voted the most peaceful chess player who's ever tried to stab somebody with their rook (there were four other candidates on the ballad).
Well, I hope we can remain friends. And just be glad that Beatrice never actually got to push you around like she pushed me around.
While you were sleeping this afternoon, I was busy hustling around town. You see, when I woke up early this morning to clean the apartment for the party tonight, I noticed that all your furniture was missing. And by all, I do mean everything.
So I raced around town trying to replace all your pieces. fortunately, I did manage to pick up some new furniture. It looks exactly like your old furniture, only you're still missing the armoire that your grandmother left you in her will.
But the great thing is they have one that looks exactly like your grandmother's armoire at the pawn shop just up the road.
But there was some random good news today. In the cushions of the new sofa, the one that looks exactly like your old sofa, I found about $500 dollars. So I took the liberty of loading up the liquor cabinet and buying a keg.
But I don't want you to be depressed about your armoire, or worry about paying me back for buying you all new furniture. Just promise me you'll have a good time at the party. And since I know that you are dissapointed about having to pick up your armoire at the pawn shop, I won't even make you go half with me on the booze. I wouldn't dream of it. Friends help friends out when they are in need, right? I couldn't possibly accept $250 dollars from you. But I know how you are. You won't accept any gifts, right? You're so freaking stubborn.
Well, if you really want to pay me back, you can slip the money in an envelope under my door after the party tonight.
We're going to have a crazy night tonight! So cheer up, buddy. Later, Jarod -Jarod Kintz
I was wondering what you are doing this afternoon? Is there any way that you could go with me to Hannah Park? The reason being is the company picnic will be held there (Yes, I realize that I was fired last week for misuse of company funds, as well as clogging the third floor toilet with the President's toupee).
Were you aware that the President is allergic to the movie Rocky IV? With this in mind I'd like to show up dressed like rocky, and if you could dress like Ivan Drago I would be indebted to you for a while.
We'll also need Edmond to drive, since he has the nice system in his car. We'll be blaring "Eye of the Tiger" as we masquerade into the picnic and start boxing.
I hope the president gets a rash on his face and scratches so hard he rips all his flesh off. Just kidding, a little vomiting would please me.
OK, so hopefully you are going to help me out with this. Meet me at the apartment at 2:30 to start getting ready. And tell Edmond, too. See you then. Jarod -Jarod Kintz
If gambling were water, you'd be a walrus, my friend. too bad there are lots of sharks in this world. And if I remember correctly, on the final hand at the table last night, you and I had pretty large stakes.
I still don't know where you are going to procure forty Prada purses carried by twenty pygmies on such short notice.
But I'm willing to renegotiate the terms of the bet. You can either bring me four large wicker baskets filled with Wicken women (witches) and an assortment of brooms, or you can just pick up the bar tab on Fri night. Your choice. ~Jarod
Dear Ralph,
Congratulations on your promotion! It must be a warm feeling to be the head honcho at the poncho factory. Are there a lot of conveyer belts there, or just one big long one? You know, Renaldo's birthday is coming up soon. I think it'd be cool if you kept the factory open after hours so we could play putt-putt on the conveyer belt.
Hey, if I putt in the direction that the belt is moving, assuming that it's one giant loop, I could set the world record for the longest putt. Or since it's Renaldo's birthday, we'll let him have the record. Plus he's a midget, so it's like twice as impressive. Get back to me about the after hours party. Later man, Jarod -Jarod Kintz
This woman asked me what my sign was. I told her "Yield."
Dear Deirdre,
Ever since the first time I saw you, I knew you were different from all the other women. Maybe it was because you had a finger growing out of your chin.
I thought it was cute how you used that finger to catch the food that spilled out of your mouth.
But you've got to know something about me. I don't judge people by what kind of clothes they wear, or if they like Monty Python or not. I judge people by their fingernails.
And quite frankly, that fingernail on your chin was filthy! It was all bloody. Yuck! And I just don't think I can date someone who doesn't brush their fingernails along with their teeth. ~Jarod
Dear Jarod,
First let me say that we were NEVER dating. Throwing food at someone from across the bar before getting her name is not a great way to meet someone.
Secondly, that "finger" wasn't actually a finger, but was in fact a band-aid.
Thirdly, I work as a dental assistant, and I take great pride in the cleanliness of my teeth. So it offends me that you criticize them.
And finally, I have no idea how you got my email address, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't write to me anymore. And my name's not Deidre. Next time you should actually meet someone before accusing them of atrocious extremities and foul teeth.
I have some terrific news. I just broke up with Deirdre! Yeah, I told her I couldn’t be with someone who didn't brush their teeth or take care of their nails, and she flipped out on me. She started insulting my mother, and talking about how she didn't even know who I was anymore. It was nasty. It's ok, she was a lush anyways.
So I realize that you two are friends, and this might be kind of awkward. But it's ok, I'll bet she's not that great of a friend anyway. You can find another girl to gossip with I'm sure. No biggie there.
So can I pick you up on Friday? Um, here's the thing. Do you have a problem riding on the handlebars of my bicycle? Freaking gas prices have forced me to seek alternate means of transportation. Well, that plus I never actually got my license.
Get back to me about Friday night. ~Jarod -Jarod Kintz
When I got home last night I noticed that you were asleep. I also noticed that you had gone to Morton's Steakhouse and there were leftovers in the fridge. Renaldo and Ruprecht were asleep, so I examined the boxes a little more closely.
On them you had written "Edmond" and underlined your name. And then next to it you had written "Do Not Eat!"
So I honored your wish, and I ate all your food, thus removing the temptation for you to eat it. It was great! You're such a great friend, with a strong will, too. But even the strongest wills get tested. I know that just as much as you do.
Well, take care my disciplined friend. ~Jarod -Jarod Kintz
I hate it when my arm falls asleep while I'm driving. Fortunately, the tingling usually causes my eyes to pop open just in time to swerve.
I hate it when masturbation is so boring that my arm goes to sleep. Maybe I shouldn't use Dr. Seuss as reading material.
Sometimes I wish soccer balls had legs. I think soccer would be excponentially more entertaining if soccer balls kicked back.
It's not that I have too many friends, but rather, I have too large of friends. I wish I could count all my friends on one hand. And if I could do that, then I would also be able to fit my friends in my pocket. And it's always better when you have someone in your pocket, especially a friend, because a friend would be willing to do things like scratch your balls when you were out in public, and you couldn't do it yourself without people noticing. Yeah, good friends scratch friends' balls. -Jarod Kintz
If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.
An alcoholic's relationships are always on the rocks.
A writer can't find his or her's voice by using their throat. Plus, you can't hold a pen or peck on a keyboard with your throat, unless you have fingers for an Adam's Apple, which I unfortunately do not.
A writer can't find his or her's voice by using their throat, unless that writer only writes about felatio. -Jarod Kintz
conversation I had with my Gammy this morning. Gammy:-I made you some pancakes. Me:-I don't want any. -Well, what do you want then? -I want some burnt panties with butter and grape jelly. -What size? -Size four, por favor. -Not that hungry this morning, eh? -Not really. I woke up hungry in the middle of the night so I ate a box of condoms. -What size? -Magnum. -Oh my! -What? -You ate your grand daddy's condoms. -Well, they were in the refrigerator. -That's because he insists that I spend all my time in the kitchen. -Yeah, yeah, so how are those panties coming along? -They just popped out of the toaster. Here you go dear. -Thanks, Gammy
-Communicating, like undressing someone, can effectively be done with your eyes. -Your eyes are like a car: You don't want to roll them, or slam your fingers in them. It's very hard to give eye contact while wearing two patches. -I only dance while I sing, and I only sing in the shower. And I only shower with large groups of naked men at the retirement home. Who says dancing is gay? -The smile on my face was as pink and wide as the vagina that was directly
173 Comments:
Good saying although it is hard to read. These cartoons are like nothing I have ever seen before. They are above all the rest.
Jackie
You draw this as if you have seen it before.
great saying my friends hate it when i twist their nipples.
max
Funny, funny comic. I definitely am glad I clicked on the link from t-shirt countdown.
-Brianna
I came here from T-shirt countdown also. I didn't expect to find great comics though. What a suprise. Great website! Keep it up.
The truth is also like an asshole. Everyone knows you got it, but no one wants it to be brought out in the open.
This means you Jarod.
If you had used me as a outline it wouldn't fit on this page.
Pam Anderson
so inappropriate.
Clever. But where's your "I'man ice girl" comic? bling bling
OOPS. Above read, I'm an ice girl
Where are you Mr. Boo? And why haven't you called? Tell your mother I said hi.
I once touched a huge pair of boobs. Quite nice. I wouldn't do it again though, I still have the scar from where the gorilla through me into the fence.
When God designed nipples, he should have designed a nipple the size of Texas, so that all the children of the land could eat there for breakfast, and the men of the land could play there at night.
-Jarod Kintz
I met a man who painted with his hair. Only he was bald, so the canvas was blank. He was truly a bizarrtist.
-Jarod Kintz
Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe caught in the door and Mrs. Hoffstead started singing "Yes We Have No Bananas Today" in the hall so loud the police were called in from Equador.
-Jarod Kintz
I have a friend named Art. Yesterday I took him to a museam, hung him on the wall, criticized him, and left.
-Jarod Kintz
Of course I carry a gun. When you operate a fruitstand, people will always try to rob you of your ripest fruit. The ripes of wrath. And if you try to pluck even a single grape, I'll pluck your eyeball out. But if you stand on your head and whistle for eight hours strait, I just might give you some free fruit.
-Jarod Kintz
Grapeness comes to those who wait. Don't get bitter and fermented, and certainly don't wine.
-Jarod Kintz
I am a kid at heart. So when my wife told me we were having a baby and asked what I wanted I replied " a little toy"!
Is it insane in here or is it just us? I mean me. Well, him too, but more so me. Well, what about me? I told them about you, so go back to your side. Your always pushing me around, and I've almost had all I can take. Oh, what are you going to do...move out? Well if I do, I'm taking the furniture. You can't do that I paid for half of it.
-Jarod Kintz, Jarod Kintz
My dog just joined Cingular with me on the family plan. Now we have plenty of rollover minutes.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to egg cop cars. Eggs go great with pork.
-Jarod Kintz
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was about time I sucked it up and just did it.
-Jarod Kintz
Secksretary wanted. Will provide with kneepads.
-Jarod Kintz
Question-Do the kneepads come water resistent? Every office building has it's flow.
Every office does have a flow. The President pisses on the Vice President, and he in turn pisses on the Director and so on and so forth. Before the next company function ask yourself if urine vited.
-Jarod Kintz
I am a lonely unicycle.
I don't have a wheel of a life partner.
Life just revolves around me.
I'd much rather be a married bicycle,
rather than a bachelor unicycle.
I might even like trying to be a swinging tricycle,
but I can't even get one wheel-
how am I supposed to get two?
Life is about balance, I've
come to understand.
And I am awkward at best;
I am a failed man.
I am so jealous of those Mormon cars.
THEM, with their three wives.
And they even have time for a spare!
Life is a bumpy road,
and very carefully is how I tread.
-Jarod Kintz
The truth is a juice that can be squeezed out of people like a treacherous orange.
-Jarod Kintz
RoRoUrBoat,
Your actions at our last meeting were like vodka: smooth and refined. You mix well. We should have sex on the beach. Vera Beach. Next tuesday, same time as previously arranged. Bring a wetsuit and an umbrella. Ever swam with the sharks?
-Jarod Kintz
Comedy equals poon plus time.
-Jarod Kintz
On the way to the supermarket I tripped over my pants and accidentally landed in a whorehouse (title of a new children's book I'm working on)
-Jarod Kintz
As a humor writer, I find comedy in the strangest places, like my best friends pants.
-Jarod Kintz
I have tennis elbow in my knee from playing soccer with a tennis ball. It's like Pele meets Andy Roddick meets my grandpa Charles with the wooden leg.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't own a wetsuit. I'd rather wear my birthday suit. I'd like to swim with the sharks, but instead I work with them everyday. I think I'll evolve into a type of squid, then I can squirt ink their eyes when they piss me off!
RoRoUrBoat
I meet friends in crazy places. Like the time I met Frank at Grandmother's house one family reunion. I accidentally sat on him. He was hiding in the sofa. Nobody knew him, and we were going to let him stay, but Grandmother didn't think it was right for a grown man to shit all over himself and her apholstery.
-Jarod Kintz
I once had sex with a bicycle, but it spoke too much, and I got tired of it and went flat.
-Jarod Kintz, Lauren Zimpel
I like watching free sex shows. So does my neighbor. He brings the lawn chairs, and I bring the popcorn and lubrication.
-Jarod Kintz, Lauren Zimpel
I like phone sex, but I have to lube it up first.
-Jarod Kintz
I enjoy endless foreplay in closets. She keeps putting clothes on and I keep taking them off. then we'll get really kinky, and I'll put her clothes on and she'll take them off.
-Jarod Kintz
I enjoy clever pick up lines, like last night, I slept with some guy who asked for the time.
-Lauren Zimpel
I'm always getting burned in relationships. But I like to stir their coffees with my cock.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm always getting burned in relationships. I'm just looking for oven all the wrong places. Like Poland.
-Jarod Kintz
Raise your hammer when you give a Thorder, it gives you more auThority.
-Jarod Kintz
I think inter-gender fraternization among employees is great. Sex on the clock is wonderful--it's two more hands to spice up the foreplay.
-Jarod Kintz
Oral sex is almost religious, so be humble and get on your knees.
-Jarod Kintz
I like having sex in tight places--like in between two peole having sex.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't know if there is life after the honeymoon.
-Jarod Kintz
Suicide is like robbing the bank you own. People are so greedy nowadays they take everything, even if it's already theirs.
-Jarod Kintz
Suicide is selfish. Don't take your own life, take someone else's.
-Jarod Kintz
If I pay a schizophrenic to kill himself, is he a contract killer? What if I pay him half now, half upon completion?
-Jarod Kintz
**I am using schizophrenic in the pop culture sense of spplit personality, not the psychological sense.**
Sex is like poker, it feels better to go all in.
-Jarod Kintz
I prefer cash over hard currency. A block of gold dosen't usually fit in my G-String.
Lauren Zimpel
MunnyBaum.com--Jim Munny and Andy Baum make your investments explode into wealth.
-Jarod Kintz
I wrote an existentialist statement about nothing in invisible ink. I'm still trying to figure out if what I wrote really exists.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to turn the art world on its head. And to me, my mother is the art world.
-Jarod Kintz
Loneliness is an unlonely feeling, since everyone experiences it from time to time.
-Jarod Kintz
People who come from money usually get all their interest from their parents.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex should be like a riot. There should be lots of people, it should get violent, and people should get handcuffed, all while milions of people watch on TV.
-Jarod Kintz
Children are like bad books. You either want to burn them, or sell them, but ultimately you end up finding a good use for them like leaving them in your parents attic.
-Jarod Kintz
The odds at Vegas are like children: Even though you can't beat them, you still play with them anyway.
-Jarod Kintz
Never work for a lackluster organization that makes money through thievery, no matter how great the government's benefits are.
-Jarod Kintz
The internet is a great way to meet people. It's how I met my neighbor whom I haven't seen in the five years he's been living in the neighborhood.
-Jarod Kintz
The internet's a great way to meet people. You never really know someone until you see their fake profile.
-Jarod Kintz
"Fear is like a car. Either you control it, or you let it paralyze you," he says as he takes a drink.
"Is that an automatic or a manual transmission?" I ask.
"It doesn't matter. Both would work," he says.
"Well, one lets you shift your moods and gives you more control than the other. And does that make courage like traffic lights? Obviously seatbelts represent caution." I say.
-Jarod Kintz
If courage were pamts, they'd be spandex that highlights how big or small your balls are. A male ballet dancer is a brave man.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend is always trying to get in my pants, especially when my friend is wearing them.
-Jarod Kintz
My sex life is like a box of chocolates that I greedily enjoy by myself.
-Jarod Kintz
A fool with your money is a scary thing. Many fools with your money is a dangerous thing. But where would we be without the government?
-Jarod Kintz
It doesn't take a geologist to figure out that sex is at the core of every relatioship. Just don't go around drilling in your neighbors yard.
-Jarod Kintz
Behind every success story is a writer, and behind him is a wastebasket filled with failed drafts.
-Jarod Kintz
Wherever you are, success is just around the corner. That's because wherever you are, there is also a bar just around the corner. Success doesn't pick you up, you've got to find it.
-Jarod Kintz
Marriage is like a business. But don't stick either your nose, or your penis in another man's business.
-Jarod Kintz
I love sex. I love everything about it. The smell, the taste, the half-beaten albino in the corner with the videocamera and horse tranquilizers. A little more about me. Back in high school I was the first runner up to the Salutorian, and I was in the 25th percentile. My school was 50%special education kids, so I feel privelaged to have distinguished myself academically like that. I had my option of any junior college or trade school in the tri-(that means four) county area. Mother says no one has a future like mine (she should know, a fortune cookie said I was special,, well not in those exact words, but kind of. Also, the lucky numbers on the back were my birthday, well, there was a 5 and a 3 in there, so basicaly it's fate. The stars alligned within that wafer confection to show that I held greatness on par with many famous men in history. Most notably, the first man to undergo electroshock therapy, and the first man to get his "no-no" caught in his zipper in the women's bathroom of the all-girls college where I aplied, and nearly got in if it weren't for that Title IX [that means eight in Romanian or Yugoslovanian, I forget] bullshit). Since graduation I have done many excellent things. I was the first person to protest people protesting protestors, but not because I believed in what the original protestors believed, (I have no idea what they stood for)but because I had some leftover cardboard from a school project. It's amazing the way the sun catches glitter on cardboard can stir the masses to violence. Unfortunately for me, I was the target of both groups of protestors fury on that fateful morning. The other thing I'm infamous for around here is I was the first man to get caught masturbating in an all-girls college (the same one I did not get accepted in to). They claimed they heard me moaning, but that was in fact Jazelle, my pet goat, who was taking a shit in the stall next to mine.
-Jarod Kintz
A man is not successful because he gets laid a lot. A man gets laid a lot because he is successful.
-Jarod Kintz
Mathematicians should be politicians because they have division to lead people.
-Jarod Kintz
Street crime doesn't pay if you live on a cul-de-sac. It's just a dead end.
-Jarod Kintz
While we were on vacation, my wife got pregnant. Trouble is, I went to Tampa and she went to Denver.
-Jarod Kintz
Never have sex with a fool, or his goat.
-Jarod Kintz
Never have sex before you get married, you don't want to stain your tuxedo.
-Jarod Kintz
A marriage on the rocks is an alcoholics dream.
-Jarod Kintz
I like taking pictures while having sex, but I'm not sure the families I'm shooting enjoy it like I do.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish sex came in a frozen box that I could nuke for five minutes and then enjoy on my sofa while I watch TV.
-Jarod Kintz
I cut my toe nails so short this morning they started bleeding, so I started toe-painting a communist tapestry for my Russian neighbors.
-Jarod Kintz
Like my meals, I like sex three times a day. And also like my meals, I like sex fast, and I get frustrated when there is a long line of guys in front of me.
-Jarod Kintz
I call my tiny penis "Rumor," because it always delights everyone's ears.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd rather have a barbeque than have sex, unless it's with my neighbor, then I'd definitely rather have sex, because he always burns the meat, and she is very hot.
-Jarod Kintz
A man with no motive is like a man with no legs. He's not going anywhere too quickly, even when you set his living room on fire.
-Jarod Kintz
Like an albino in the desert, I was going to have to stay undercover.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is a shared experience between people, much like going to the movies is, except without the candy, popcorn, or outragous prices.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm a legend in the south, especialy in Mythithippi.
-Jarod Kintz
I like having sex on vacation. Apparently, so does my wife.
-Jarod Kintz
My wife's never been good in bed, at least not while I'm around.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of people like wife swapping. I'd be willing to swap my wife for anything over fifty dollars.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of people like wife swapping. I've got such a great wife I would only swap with a Mormon. It'd have to be a two-for-one deal.
-Jarod Kintz
My wife is as loyal as a dog, but without as much hair or fleas.
-Jarod Kintz
A great wife is a rare gift. Make sure you wrap her up tightly before you give her away, or stuff her into the stocking.
-Jarod Kintz
My grandparents just celebrated their 50th wedding annaversary. They tried to give me marital advice and I got offended and said, "No offense, but what do you know about marriage? You've only ever been in one of them." They looked dissapointed, but I could tell they were proud at how wise their grandson was.
-Jarod Kintz
My wife and I have sex at the strangest times and in the strangest places. When I'm in London, God only knows what time it is in Seattle.
-Jarod Kintz
The internet is about proximity. What was far, is now near. Today, the farthest thing away from us is our neighbors.
-Jarod Kintz
Life is like my grandpa's left leg. A bit shorter than he expected, and when he lost it due to gangrene he felt bad for his socks, one of them having just lost its partner of over forty years. He never took them off in all that time, even to shower. That might be why he got gangrene.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to wash my dishes as I'm washing my clothes, that way the dishes are less likely to break in the dryer.
-Jarod Kintz
I always like to vaccuum while I'm taking a shower, that way the carpet gets shampood too.
-Jarod KIntz
The way we argued, it wasn't a date it was a debate. I knew I'd never take her out again the moment she said she'd never let me take her out again. I got angry and did something I shouldn't have. That was over two months ago. I keep sending flowers, and pondering our brief relationship as I sit on her headstone. Maybe it's time to move on, the police are still looking for me.
-Jarod Kintz
I never like to shave while driving. Mostly because we only have one sink, and there's not enough room for both my wife and the car in the bathroom.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm hung like a wooly mammoth, and just as hairy.
-Jarod Kintz
A man with no motivation is like a man with no legs. He's not going anywhere too quickly, even when you set his living room on fire.
-Jarod Kintz
If I were a browny I think I'd be a nutty brownie. And I'd be into bestiality because my cats love brownies, and I'd love them back. Shiny objects are great things to attract cosumers. One could almost make the comparricon that consumers are like fish.
-Jarod Kintz
true that. if only everyone knew that. the truth hurts but that hurts a whole lot more. trust me, or at least take my word.
I truly believe "the eyes are the gateway to the soul." and that's precisly why I go around squirting Windex in people's faces.
If I had window's for feet I couldn't play socer because it'd cost too much money having to replace my feet all the time.
If the eyes are the window to the soul or lose your soul, and you sell your soul, does that mean your eye lids get boarded up?
-Jarod Kintz
Have I got a deal for you. Just look at this beast of a car I have on my profile. Cobalt blue, at least I think it's Cobalt. I'm color blind, so what do I know? I'll tell you what I do know, is this is a heck of a car, at a heck of a price. Plush cotton seating that has conviniently already been broken in, and so has the car on several occasions. Criminals have great taste. I should know. And because I got this at the police impound, you know you're dealing with a fine piece of machinery. This engine screams luxury. Well, it just screams. Maybe it's thirsty for oil. Who knows these things? I'm no mechanic, I'm just a guy with a keen eye for value.
I like urinating in the back seats of every car I sell. It's just sort of a macho hobby thing I do. It makes me smile knowing that whenever I sell a car to a teenage kid, that he's going to be having sex on the very seat I pissed on.
I try to discourage my customers from listening to music. Mostly I say this because the beaters I sell either have no radio, because it got stolen, or it's a busted radio, because they don't respond too well to getting urinated on.
-Jarod Kintz
I've never met a man I couldn't beat up. Usually, I'm too pissed off to introduce myself after they kick my ass.
I'll never fight a loser; it's too degrading when they beat you up.
Love is fast. Love is like the interstate. I've never fallen in love with a woman under 65. I'm always speeding, and the women are usually slowly marching to senility.
I want to make the world's tallest luxury car. It'll be fifteen stories tall, but have no doors, and only one window at the top. And the only way to get out is to open the window and jump. This car is targeted at over-stressed corporate executives.
Midgets do not belong in management; because it's only natural for employees to always go above their heads.
I'm Alexander the Great, and I love children. If your little boy has a knot in his shoe, don't untie it, take out your sword and chop off his foot!
A businessman who has emotional extremities, i.e. angry fists, a lustful penis, and stubborn feet is about as efficient as a carpenter with no arms building a boat with no bottom, using a hammer made out of Play Dough.
There was once a chicken, who aspired to be the most social and knowledgeable creature in the world. He wanted to meet everyone and every thing. So he set about doing just that. Hemet his neighbors, he met their dog, their house, their kitchen, their pool, their car, and so on and so on. This went on for years. Well, after twenty years, and meeting the President, all the authors and actors, Kanye West, the space shuttle, the Eiffel tower, and anything else he could think of, he thought he was at the end of his journey. Then his neighbors called him for a surprise. They said they were going to show him something he had never seen, something he had never met. That night, he felt like he might lose his mind, he was so anxious. Well, the next morning, after a hearty breakfast of four eggs and toast, his neighbors sat him on a tree stump. Then the man went into the shed and brought out an object that shimmered in the light. Oh how the chicken loved shiny things, and he couldn't wait to be acquainted with this object. Within minutes, the chicken had met with the axe. If a spectator thought the chicken had lost his mind the night before, he was even crazier now, flopping around with excitement. So ecstatic was he that he not only lost his mind, but he lost his head as well. The chicken only met with a half a dozen things after this encounter. The neighbor's deep fryer, a black pan, some spices, and the digestive system of his neighbors. But of all the people and things that the crazy old chicken met, he'd probably say that he was more pleased to meet the axe than say Kanye West, for certainly the axe was much sharper and Kanye very dull by contrast. But surely, after hearing the whistle of the axe, and Kanye West speak, both are enough to make you lose your mind, regardless of species.
Fear has a way of paralyzing a person. The biggest coward I know happens to be in a wheel chair.
It might feel like a huge waste of time to take a woman to get her ring finger measured, as she stands there ogling the jewelry. And it might seem like a great idea to be efficient and just cut off her finger, take it to the jewelers to have it sized, place the ring on her finger, and rush home to sew it back on. But trust me; this is not something you want to do.
I'm working on a full-length novel for readers half the size of normal readers. The print is twice as thick as regular books, and the pages are doubly thick.
When working with a team of talented people, I like it when each person brings something different to the table. For example, one person might bring the Jell-O, and another might bring the whip cream.
I don't like my food to have certain things in it. If I find a hair in my food, I immediately send it back to the kitchen. One time, I ordered a pie at a restaurant, and I found a clown's face in it. I sent the clown and the pie back, but kept the balloons.
My local supermarket was having a special on pies. Buy one get the second one free. So I bought one, and I immediately drove over to my pseudo friend, Giggles' house. That clown is so two faced, and I now had a pie for each of them.
-Jarod Kintz
The government has too much power now. We can't simply pull the plug, we have to chop the cord off.
The people at Kleenex will probably have you believe that laughter is not as valuable as crying is. But I think that the kind of laughter that brings you to tears is the second most valuable thing in the world. And the first most valuable thing is not a Kleenex.
Sex is like dinner--everyone should be satisfied, including the waiter who is operating the camera.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Edmond,
I'm sorry you ran out of gas in the middle of Georgia yesterday. I guess I must have siphoned too much out of your tank. Maybe I'll start paying for my own gas. Maybe. I'm also sorry I told you that I couldn't come pick you up because I didn't want to use up my gas (or really your gas, depending on how you look at it). I think that you should invest in a bicycle. You know Renaldo just obtained a bicycle that he's trying to dump cheaply on eBay. and, oddly enough, it looks exactly like the one that you just reported as stolen. Weird, huh? Well, I've got to run, I overslept. (you really need to get a new alarm clock. Every time you are out of town and I sleep in your bed, I always oversleep).
P.S. I hope you don't mind that I started washing a load of your laundry. Underwear mostly. It was the least I could do considering I've been wearing them for weeks without telling you.
Dear Renaldo,
Do you remember that Huffy that we rode up to the 7-11 the other night on? The one I took from Edmond? well, I remember you saying that you needed money, so I think you should sell the bike back to Edmond. I already told him you were selling a bike that looked just like his old one. I think I should get half the money from the sale. you know, for finding a buyer. Oh, and i also set up an eBay account in your name just in case somebody is willing to outbid Edmond. And you say I never look out for you. Call me when you get off work.
Dear Edmond,
Thanks for setting me up on that blind date! Her seeing eye dog was very friendly. I didn't know that some blind women don't shave. Yeah, for like five minutes I was petting what I thought was her dog, but was in fact her back. She didn't say anything, she just sat there purring. Dinner was really cheap, too, because Wal-Mart was running a special on Purina. Ok, I've got to run now. Say hi to Ruprecht tonight for me. And wish him luck for me for his competition.
Dear Edmond,
So I hung out with this new girl, Gwendoll, and I brought her over to the apartment. But she apparently didn't know Renaldo and Ruprecht live with us. And when she went to open the fridge to get a condom from the bowl of Jell-O, one of our tiny room mates must have startled her. She just kept screaming, "There's a midge in the fridge! There's a midge in the fridge!" I told her to calm down. Then I told her they prefer being called, "little people," but by that time she was already halfway to her car. Psssht. Women! Who really understands them?
Dear Ruprecht,
I haven't spoken to you in a few days. How'd the competition go? What kind of competition was it again? Wasn't it a hot dog eating competition for dwarfs? Except instead of hot dogs, you guys had to eat pigs in a blanket, right? How many did you consume? Did you enter and compete in the competition wearing that mustard bottle mascot costume that your mother made for you? You looked so cute when you wore it to dinner the other night that I could have just squeezed you (i refrained because I was wearing a white shirt). well, write back soon and let me know how you did.
Yesterday, while playing baseball, I blew out my knee. that's the last time I'll ever swing at the ball with a shot gun.
I got into an argument with a microwave. Well, actually, it was more of a heated discussion.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Renaldo,
I just wanted to tell you that tonight is the start of my vacation. I'll be leaving directly from work to go to the airport. I've never spent more than two hours in an airport before, so for me to be spending my whole two week vacation there is pretty darn exciting. But just in case you were wondering, I locked away my Wonder bread, my thin-sliced turkey breast, and my American cheese in my combination safe. While my safe isn't refrigerated, I did manage to fit the whole thing in the kitchen fridge. But I had to move your bed, as well as Ruprecht's. Until I get back, would you two mind sleeping under the kitchen sink? (I'd recommend using the shower curtain as a blanket, since the leak under the sink has yet to be fixed). Thanks!
See you soon,
Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
Didn't your mother ever tell you to grind things up before you snort them? Before I got really into cocaine I tried snorting a whole cocoa plant. Now I just huff Hershey bars.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Melvin,
I haven't talked to you since you moved out so abruptly. I've been waiting for the right moment to bring this up. And that moment occured tonight between 9:49 and 9:51, while I was taking a leak on the flowers you planted last spring.
So let me start by saying that I'd like to apologize for urinating on your favorite shirt that one day, as well as letting Renaldo burn it. We should have given you a chance to take off your shirt first. I know that now. I hope I haven't burned (eek, bad word choice. Sorry, my blistered friend), or rather, destroyed our friendship.
I'd like to go mud wrestling with you again, after you completely heal, of course. If you've got the water, I've got the dirt, and Ruprecht's granmother's got the white carpet to wrestle on.
Talk to you soon (hopefully),
Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Tell Margaret that if flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on her son's grave.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Vladimir,
I am both glad, and sad that I know you, Vlad. I just heard the rumors that you took out my ex girlfriend, Beatrice. This both infuriates me, and yet strangely makes me tranquil.
I'll have to admit that when I first heard you had asked her out on a date I wanted to run you over. And if you were not already paralyzed, I might have done just that. But then I thought, I can't run him over now, I'd better wait until I see Beatrice pushing him around. That way, A) I'll know the rumor is true, and B) I can hit both of you in one clean sweep.
Although most people know me as a docile guy, I'll have you know that I was voted the most violent man on the chess team. This was right after I tried stabbing Johnny Nash in the eye with my rook after he beat me in the semi finals senior year.
But now I'm completely cool with the thought of the two of you. I say Suck my Balls, Beatrice. And she did, too. I just want you to think about that when she leans in for a kiss.
That is all,
Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Edmond,
My mind is as vast and empty as a summer sky right now. Actually, that's not true. I'm thinking about rain, lots of rain. And how I was caught in a severe thunderstorm waiting for you.
I must have waited thirteen hours for you if it wasn't nine minutes. And, fortunately for you, I have immense foresight and decided to stay in this morning. So I stayed dry, and I didn't even bother to get out of bed.
I waited through my snooze, and I had this feeling that you wouldn't show up today. So I figured, why bother? By the way, was I correct in my assumption that you would not show up?
Get back to me and I'll try to reschedule you. And please, next time, let me know beforehand if the time of the appointment is inconvenient for you, as ten in the morning is obviously very hard to make it to.
Yours,
Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Vlad,
Edmond just informed me that Renaldo made up that rumor about you and Beatrice. Apparently he was mad that I locked up my cheese while I was on vacation and made him sleep under the sink (long story).
So I'd like to apologize for the threat of assault. I'd definitely never try to run over a handicapped man, it would destroy my truck. Not to mention that wicked metal helmet you wear would be like a cannon ball through my windshield. And I highly doubt that Florida would replace that for free in this scenario.
And, on a side note, I'd just like to say that I was voted the most peaceful chess player who's ever tried to stab somebody with their rook (there were four other candidates on the ballad).
Well, I hope we can remain friends. And just be glad that Beatrice never actually got to push you around like she pushed me around.
Your Friend (hopefully),
Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
I may be a busy guy, but if I lube up my time well enough, I manage to fit everything in.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Edmond,
While you were sleeping this afternoon, I was busy hustling around town. You see, when I woke up early this morning to clean the apartment for the party tonight, I noticed that all your furniture was missing. And by all, I do mean everything.
So I raced around town trying to replace all your pieces. fortunately, I did manage to pick up some new furniture. It looks exactly like your old furniture, only you're still missing the armoire that your grandmother left you in her will.
But the great thing is they have one that looks exactly like your grandmother's armoire at the pawn shop just up the road.
But there was some random good news today. In the cushions of the new sofa, the one that looks exactly like your old sofa, I found about $500 dollars. So I took the liberty of loading up the liquor cabinet and buying a keg.
But I don't want you to be depressed about your armoire, or worry about paying me back for buying you all new furniture. Just promise me you'll have a good time at the party. And since I know that you are dissapointed about having to pick up your armoire at the pawn shop, I won't even make you go half with me on the booze. I wouldn't dream of it. Friends help friends out when they are in need, right? I couldn't possibly accept $250 dollars from you. But I know how you are. You won't accept any gifts, right? You're so freaking stubborn.
Well, if you really want to pay me back, you can slip the money in an envelope under my door after the party tonight.
We're going to have a crazy night tonight! So cheer up, buddy.
Later,
Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Ruprecht,
I was wondering what you are doing this afternoon? Is there any way that you could go with me to Hannah Park? The reason being is the company picnic will be held there (Yes, I realize that I was fired last week for misuse of company funds, as well as clogging the third floor toilet with the President's toupee).
Were you aware that the President is allergic to the movie Rocky IV? With this in mind I'd like to show up dressed like rocky, and if you could dress like Ivan Drago I would be indebted to you for a while.
We'll also need Edmond to drive, since he has the nice system in his car. We'll be blaring "Eye of the Tiger" as we masquerade into the picnic and start boxing.
I hope the president gets a rash on his face and scratches so hard he rips all his flesh off. Just kidding, a little vomiting would please me.
OK, so hopefully you are going to help me out with this. Meet me at the apartment at 2:30 to start getting ready. And tell Edmond, too. See you then.
Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Edmond,
If gambling were water, you'd be a walrus, my friend. too bad there are lots of sharks in this world. And if I remember correctly, on the final hand at the table last night, you and I had pretty large stakes.
I still don't know where you are going to procure forty Prada purses carried by twenty pygmies on such short notice.
But I'm willing to renegotiate the terms of the bet. You can either bring me four large wicker baskets filled with Wicken women (witches) and an assortment of brooms, or you can just pick up the bar tab on Fri night. Your choice.
~Jarod
Dear Ralph,
Congratulations on your promotion! It must be a warm feeling to be the head honcho at the poncho factory. Are there a lot of conveyer belts there, or just one big long one? You know, Renaldo's birthday is coming up soon. I think it'd be cool if you kept the factory open after hours so we could play putt-putt on the conveyer belt.
Hey, if I putt in the direction that the belt is moving, assuming that it's one giant loop, I could set the world record for the longest putt. Or since it's Renaldo's birthday, we'll let him have the record. Plus he's a midget, so it's like twice as impressive. Get back to me about the after hours party.
Later man,
Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
This woman asked me what my sign was. I told her "Yield."
Dear Deirdre,
Ever since the first time I saw you, I knew you were different from all the other women. Maybe it was because you had a finger growing out of your chin.
I thought it was cute how you used that finger to catch the food that spilled out of your mouth.
But you've got to know something about me. I don't judge people by what kind of clothes they wear, or if they like Monty Python or not. I judge people by their fingernails.
And quite frankly, that fingernail on your chin was filthy! It was all bloody. Yuck! And I just don't think I can date someone who doesn't brush their fingernails along with their teeth.
~Jarod
Dear Jarod,
First let me say that we were NEVER dating. Throwing food at someone from across the bar before getting her name is not a great way to meet someone.
Secondly, that "finger" wasn't actually a finger, but was in fact a band-aid.
Thirdly, I work as a dental assistant, and I take great pride in the cleanliness of my teeth. So it offends me that you criticize them.
And finally, I have no idea how you got my email address, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't write to me anymore. And my name's not Deidre. Next time you should actually meet someone before accusing them of atrocious extremities and foul teeth.
With cold regards,
Becky
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Yolanda,
I have some terrific news. I just broke up with Deirdre! Yeah, I told her I couldn’t be with someone who didn't brush their teeth or take care of their nails, and she flipped out on me. She started insulting my mother, and talking about how she didn't even know who I was anymore. It was nasty. It's ok, she was a lush anyways.
So I realize that you two are friends, and this might be kind of awkward. But it's ok, I'll bet she's not that great of a friend anyway. You can find another girl to gossip with I'm sure. No biggie there.
So can I pick you up on Friday? Um, here's the thing. Do you have a problem riding on the handlebars of my bicycle? Freaking gas prices have forced me to seek alternate means of transportation. Well, that plus I never actually got my license.
Get back to me about Friday night.
~Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Edmond,
When I got home last night I noticed that you were asleep. I also noticed that you had gone to Morton's Steakhouse and there were leftovers in the fridge. Renaldo and Ruprecht were asleep, so I examined the boxes a little more closely.
On them you had written "Edmond" and underlined your name. And then next to it you had written "Do Not Eat!"
So I honored your wish, and I ate all your food, thus removing the temptation for you to eat it. It was great! You're such a great friend, with a strong will, too. But even the strongest wills get tested. I know that just as much as you do.
Well, take care my disciplined friend.
~Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
I hate it when my arm falls asleep while I'm driving. Fortunately, the tingling usually causes my eyes to pop open just in time to swerve.
I hate it when masturbation is so boring that my arm goes to sleep. Maybe I shouldn't use Dr. Seuss as reading material.
Sometimes I wish soccer balls had legs. I think soccer would be excponentially more entertaining if soccer balls kicked back.
It's not that I have too many friends, but rather, I have too large of friends. I wish I could count all my friends on one hand. And if I could do that, then I would also be able to fit my friends in my pocket. And it's always better when you have someone in your pocket, especially a friend, because a friend would be willing to do things like scratch your balls when you were out in public, and you couldn't do it yourself without people noticing. Yeah, good friends scratch friends' balls.
-Jarod Kintz
If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.
An alcoholic's relationships are always on the rocks.
A writer can't find his or her's voice by using their throat. Plus, you can't hold a pen or peck on a keyboard with your throat, unless you have fingers for an Adam's Apple, which I unfortunately do not.
A writer can't find his or her's voice by using their throat, unless that writer only writes about felatio.
-Jarod Kintz
conversation I had with my Gammy this morning.
Gammy:-I made you some pancakes.
Me:-I don't want any.
-Well, what do you want then?
-I want some burnt panties with butter and grape jelly.
-What size?
-Size four, por favor.
-Not that hungry this morning, eh?
-Not really. I woke up hungry in the middle of the night so I ate a box of condoms.
-What size?
-Magnum.
-Oh my!
-What?
-You ate your grand daddy's condoms.
-Well, they were in the refrigerator.
-That's because he insists that I spend all my time in the kitchen.
-Yeah, yeah, so how are those panties coming along?
-They just popped out of the toaster. Here you go dear.
-Thanks, Gammy
-Communicating, like undressing someone, can effectively be done with your eyes.
-Your eyes are like a car: You don't want to roll them, or slam your fingers in them. It's very hard to give eye contact while wearing two patches.
-I only dance while I sing, and I only sing in the shower. And I only shower with large groups of naked men at the retirement home. Who says dancing is gay?
-The smile on my face was as pink and wide as the vagina that was directly