A shadow puppet is like a moth fascinated by the light. And like the moth, some shadow puppets have been known to eat expensive clothing and little children. -Jarod Kintz
Before I ate my banker wife, she asked me, "cannibal-ance the checkbook?" I took this to mean she was trying to launder money rather than our clothes. -Jarod Kintz
As a writer I am always looking forward to flashes of inspiration. The girls on spring break always seem to provide the perfect flashes. But the inspiration usually comes in spurts that run down my leg. -Jarod Kintz
During the crusades, a journey of a thousand males begins with a single stoup. More blood has been spilt searching for the holy grail, than was originally in the grail. -Jarod Kintz
I used to wake up every morning and feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. But it was just my x-wife lying on my back. So eventually I shot her. -Jarod Kintz
We exist through the mind, and are sexist through the body. Don't descriminate on gender, do it because someone has the brain capacity of a parking meter, which, suprisingly, plays a pretty mean game of chess. -Jarod Kintz
I never make my goals out of reach from my stepladder, which I carry around in my wallet next to my "to do before I die" list. On that list are the dishes from yesterday. -Jarod Kintz
A lot of people are more afraid of public speaking than of death. I know I am. A tomato thrown at high enough velocity, and at just the right angle, could prove to be fatal. -Jarod Kintz
Sex is the stairs, while love is the railing. One is good exorcize and will take you to a higher place, while the other gives you something to hole on to. -Jarod Kintz
A hand of cards can't be like a pile of clothes. I can't imagine playing poker with a pair of panties. Or 52 for that matter. I mean, how would you shuffle them? And what would you use for chips, condoms still in their rappers? -Jarod Kintz
Dear Jarod, Thanks for your comment. I appreciate you taking the time and wrestling with this elementary concept. If you can't grasp that simple analagy, I'd hate to see you balance your checkbook. It's really quite easy. Don't fold your hand of cards, unless you've washed your clothes. But not while betting with money you don't have, unless your money is in the pants of some of the cards you are folding. That is, of course, unless those pants are at the dry cleaners, which I am sure they are. Oh, and the dry cleaners does not accpt poker chips as legal tender. Hope this clears up the issue for you. Yours Truly, Jarod Kintz
Dear Jarod, I'm still confused. How can I play poker with pants that you are wearing, when my dry cleaner is off in India? And is he supposed to be the dealer? And Yes, I can balance my checkbook. I can balance it on my nose, on my elbow, and anywhere else you want, just not in Bombay with my pants. -Jarod Kintz
Wendy, Do you mind if I call you Larry? Good. With all those people sleeping in your bed, it sounds kinky like pubic hair. Do you mind if I bring my film crew over and shoot some footage? Oh, and my buddy Renaldo the circus whore. -Jarod Kintz
I once made out with an elevator after losing my pants in a poker game to a blind elephant named Tony. I got lost in the moment. And Tony taught me to only focus on the tusk at hand. Now I only play poker naked and take the stairs as I walk on my hands that I won at the table. -Jarod Kintz
There once was a caveman stoner. He spent his life searching for weed. He was the first vagabong, a restless nomad who, although he spoke little, he toked a lot. -Jarod Kintz
Every morning I wake up with a twitch in my eye, and a limp in my stride. Until I get my coffee I am crazy. I am caffeinding, and once the chemicals rush my system like a linebacker, and my veins pump blood to my brain, I can think. And thinking leads to thoughts. Thoughts of action, and thoughts of an esoteric nature. Ethereal of reletivity. After all, Abstraction speaks louder than words. -Jarod Kintz
Wrestling with a jar of peanut butter is like grappling in the arctic, you want to break the seal. Don't drive over ice without your snow tires, but do buckle up because many people have been killed in a collision with a sandwich, drunk with jelly. -Jarod Kintz
Most people sleep between the sheets, where I sleep between two slices of bread. And I am the cleanest guy in my family at the dinner table. I am going to change my last name to Napkintz. -Jarod Kintz
I am currently learning how to surf and blay the bass. Although I still don't know how I am supposed to jam out and keep my balance enough to ride any waves. -Jarod Kintz
Note to self: As I walked in the bar, his yellow polo shirt contrasted with the green felt of the pool tables as sharply as the bloody intestines hanging out of a zebra after the fierce attack of a lion. And that's what I felt like doing, ripping someone's innards out. Don't forget to buy shaving cream at Publix. Oh, and water. -Jarod Kintz
woman: remember that time we were playing cards? Jarod Kintz: Behind the fence at old man Riley's farm, and I got you naked and your sister came and kicked my ass? woman: She was jealous, that's all. Jarod Kintz: She can't have you all to herself, you know?
I once saw a man in Kentucky with four teeth, three in his mouth, and one growing in a cancerous lump on his forehead. I got a picture with me scrubbing his forehead with a toothbrush. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wish there was a pill for faith that everyone would take so I could believe in people. Just a little faith, because too much might cause people to gag and throw uo. -Jarod Kintz
You keep saying that Kintz. But I have been told that the timing for investments is wrong at the nmoment. Looks like you are going to have to pay for your own prostitutes now. I am sick of paying extra for the ones with diseases.
I believe in God. I have a tremendous amount of faith in myself. Just kidding, I am a God fearing man. Jesus is one man I wouldn't want to piss off because right off the bat it's a three to one ratio, him vs. me. Not only that, but he has twelve homies that follow him around at all times. He could turn water to wine, but could he turn my urine to wine after I piss all over myself with fright? I think he can, and I deserve to drink it for even jokingly alluding to myself as God. -Jarod Kintz
A computer randomly and systematically arranging billions of words together couldn't find original, wise phrases without the aid of a human being to tell it to stop on a certain strand of words. -Jarod Kintz
I don't like to think of death as an end, but more of an infinitely extended middle, with very little room to breath or even a need to do so. -Jarod Kintz
There re many ways to live, all with varying results. And there are many ways to die, but they all have the same result: financial freedom. -Jarod Kintz
Death is life's little brother. The sickly one who always skulks around in the corners wearing black cloaks that covers his bony frame and jaundiced skin. -Jarod Kintz
90% of success is trying to find that other 10%. A successful man will spend his life searching for it and will never find it. An average man will mistake 90% for 100%. -Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend was such a tyrant that when we decided that the best thing for or relationship would be to take a break, she made me clock out. -Jarod Kintz
Heaven might be full of vodka, and hell full of alcoholics. And in between is Earth, which has the orange juice and the mixture of both of those two places. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes, when I am eating hot soup, I wish my bowl was filled with Love. And that the bowl was big enough to feed the whole world. Then I wonder how long it would take to crunch up all the crackers needed to put in the ginormous bowl of love. Not half as long, I'll bet, if everyone crunched them up with their feet. But that'd make the love soup dirty. But then again, I guess love has always been sort of dirty in the first place. By the time I am done thinking my bowl is almost empty, but not as empty as some people's hearts. Doesn't matter to me though, as long as my stomach is full. -Jarod Kintz
One of my favorite things to do on a beautiful summer day when the sky is a peaceful blue, is to pack up my towel and cooler, and head to the beach. Oh, and I also bring a Super Soaker filled with blood and I stand firmly on dry sand and shoot it into the waves of surfers and sit back and enjoy the show. -Jarod Kintz
I would say that America has gone strait to shit in the last few years. Mass thinking is rising, and naturally, individual thought is decreasing. What this country needs is to roll out some intellectual tiolet paper, something to wipe away the ignorance. America needs you to help with this mess. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I just got back from a crappy vacation. I visited to the world's largest toilet. You might have heard of it, it's called New Jersey. I think it would be awesome if we came out with the world's largest roll of toilet paper to put on display in front of Trenton's capitol building. We could hold a publicity promotion, and invite a lot of celebrities. And instead of rolling out the red carpet, we'd just unroll the toilet paper. It'll be lots of fun. Let me know what you think. Thanks, Jarod Kintz
I am not much of a wine drinker, but I must admit that I love your wine. After a few bottles yesterday I started to wonder something. Do you think that if a goat owned a winery, that she'd make both the wine and the cheese, and design the wine to harmonize around her cheese? this would be a very savvy business goat. Get back to me with your thoughts on this. Sincerely, Jarod Kitnz
Hello, my name is Jarod, and I am a recovering teddy bear beater. I abuse most domesticated stuffed animals, ranging from small kittens and dogs, to even might lions and tigers. I used to be really addicted to smashing my hard knuckles into their soft, stuffed faces. But I still get violent urges every time I see a furry inanimate animal, but I've lately I’ve scaled back and now I only punch pillows. But sometimes I sneak in two or three bears in a pillow case, so my girlfriend can't see the what i'm really doing, and I smash it against the wall. Why do I feel the need to harm these harmless inanimal objects? What can I do to stop the violence. I need your help. Please get back to me quickly before another stuffed animal gets shamefully smothered and beaten. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Pastries are my passion. Hello, I'm Jarod, and my yearly doughnut consumption numbers are higher than the number of literate people in most third world countries. But I'm skinny as a rail, without snorting any rails too. What's my secret? Well I order your chocolate iced custard filled doughnuts by the dozen every morning, and instead of eating the dough, I just suck the custard out of the middle, and lick off the frosting. This new Krispy Kreme diet has worked for me, and I think it could work for millions of other Americans who are obsessive compulsive. I'm not like that Subway Jared, my name is spelled with an "O", just like the center of a great doughnut. You should make a commercial and feature me in it. I'll tell the world the wonders of only consuming Krispy Kreme, and how they too can be as fit as I am. We'll work out the details of my contract upon your reply. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I find that the quality of most bathroom reading books is exactly the same as the thing being expelled by the reader. The books would be a better buy if the pages were made out of toilet paper. -Jarod Kintz
I like shooting pool as much as the next man, except if the man standing next to me has no arms. And I am obsessed with trick shots, and I was wondering if you could tell me if this would be a cool trick. Ok, the person shooting the ball has to be balanced on the edge of the pool table while sitting on a unicycle, and then, while juggling three pool balls, he gradually lets them drop randomly onto the table before shooting the cue ball and making all three balls into the same corner pocket. And all of this while wearing a blindfold made out of a woman's dress as she sits on the shooters face. Is that not the craziest trick you've ever heard of? I'll start practicing as soon as I find the woman and the unicycle, but I am working on my juggling skills now. Let me know what you think. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
For me, a hamburger is good, but a cheeseburger is better. And French fries taste swell, but cheese fries are even more delicious. Cheese makes life worth living. I'm a firm believer in the power of cheese, and I prefer patriotic cheese. That's right, American cheese all the way. I feel your diner has remarkable insight into the realm of cheese, since you offer cheese on a lot of your menu items. Bit I think you've overlooked one item: milkshakes. If cheese can work for cakes, why can't it work for shakes? A cheese milkshake. Mmmm. Melted meets frozen in a smooth handshake inside my mouth. I like cheese so much that sometimes I wish my tongue were made of cheese, because then I wouldn't mind burning my tongue. I'd just eat a piece of toast and it'd be like a grilled cheese sandwich, which is almost godly. Cheese is more important to society, in my opinion, than silly things like money. Who wants bricks of gold, when you can have bricks of cheese? Not me, that's for sure. So I hope to be able to order a cheese milkshake from your fine diner in the very near future, and wash it down with a hot cup of melted cheese. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Your air freshener has a way of making even the raunchiest of rooms smell bright and clean. Filthy air is like a filthy mind, it causes people to do crazy things like clean, or maybe even naughtier things like vacuum . . . naked. That’s why I think you should come out with an air freshener of the mind. I already use your product to clear my mind now. I find that when I am feeling down, or naughty, I just lodge the tip of your can firmly in my nostril, and I do about three or four deep huffs. Then I'm like another person for a briefness. I think you should market your product as something that can make event he dirtiest minds fresh again. It’d be great for any child in middle school. Forget washing their mouth’s out with soap. The mouth’s just the messenger. Why not treat the source? Clear your conscious and your child’s mind, with just one use of Febreeze. Let me know what you think about my idea for the new product line, "Febreeze: Air Freshener of the Mind.” Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
If you want to get lucky on the first date, make it a picnic. And make sure to bring the wine, the food, the candles, the whip cream, the hand cuffs, and the goats. It's a recipe for a crazy night. -Jarod Kintz
Dear Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission,
Is it legal for me to catch a wolf, skin it, and carve out it’s skull and resell it as quite likely the world’s first blanket bowl. You wear it while you eat soup or cereal on cold nights or mornings. Form meets function in this. Wolf meets bowl, in what I call a bowlf, or a merging or bowlf of their names. Do I have to have a license to either hunt wolves, or make bowls? Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Bubba's Parks: We are a Georgia trailer park that is dedicated to serving our communtiy culturally, as well as financially. While it is true that we are bankrupt in both aspects, we always strive give the impression of affluence. -Jarod Kintz
Friends are like American flags: it feels better to hang them on poles and criticize them, rather than burning them.
Nature often arises out of necessity. If you can't listen very well, you should poke out your eyes. And if your life has no balance, you should chop off your right leg and your left arm. -Jarod Kintz
Have I got a great deal for you my friend. It's an '87 Buick, and it only has three wheels. But three is the new four, if you follow the trends, like I do. And it even comes stock with a slightly used air freshener. It's petrified to the dashboard, so it't won't jiggle in your vision while you drive. You might have trouble turning corners if you go to fast, which shouldn't be a problem because I'm not really sure that the engine runs. But for 50 bucks you can't beat it. Just leave it in your yard as decoration. Girlfriends don't really want diamonds and jewelry, they want used Buicks lying dormant in their flower gardens. Take it from me, I've had many wives. And if there's one thing I know about women, it's that they love Buicks--especially the backseats, if you know what I mean. And don't you worry, I already checked out this backseat, although it was during my lunch break, and I was alone. It felt great to unleash my manhood all over the upholstery! -Jarod Kintz
The brown of the bark rose tall, as the green of the pine needles stitched against the grain of the blue sky backdrop at the lake, which was as quiet as the dead mime that is stuffed in my closet under a pile of panties that I stole from he nursing home yesterday. And I'm as peaceful as a pedophile swinging on a swing in an empty playground, except I'm not as disturbed by the news that the children went missing from school today so they can be out enjoying the weather. If tomorrow could be like today, I wish it would. Then I would remember to take my camera back from that bastard who took it from me because I took a picture of his girlfriend with my digital memory. I would be mad, but not on a day like today, which looks exactly like yesterday, and a lot like tomorrow, because as I'm sitting here, under this pile of panties in my closet, that's all I've got is my memory of today and tomorrow. -Jarod Kintz
Don't sodomize an ostrich, it could be the most voilent and bloody sex of your life. Take it from me, who took it from someone else about this.
Today, there were thousands of babies born all across the world. And tomorrow, thousands more will be born. That's crazy to me, because tomorrow is Tuesday, and hardly anything gets done on Tuesdays. If no work gets done on Tuesdays, how can there be so many women in labor?
You wouldn't get mad at a tree and burn a forest down, would you? Or cut down a banana tree just to get even with a monkey. So why cut somebody off, force them off the road and into their trunk, and then push their coff off a bridge just because they had a bumper sticker that had writing so small that it reminded you that your eye sight is getting steadily worse? I know it doesn't make sense, but you really can't blame me. Everyone makes irrational decisions sometimes.
I might get angry at the price of my girlfriend's clothes, but I don't take out that aggression by making her wear the clothes she bought and then burning the clothes. But I think I should be mad at the price of gasoline, and make George Bush and the executives at Exxon wear the a barrel of oil, and then burn the oil. -Jarod Kintz
I'd like to see a German man with no arms do a remake of "Mein Kampf," or My Struggle. Except this time it's be about the age old question of, how does an armless man masturbate? -Jarod Kintz
I'd like to see a German man with no arms write a remake of "Mein Kampf," or My Struggle. Except this time it'd be about the age old question of, how does an armless man masturbate? Because what other struggle in life is greater than this? -Jarod Kintz
The PENis overrated~Wrote: Why must we label everything. Let's just be happy that we found someone who knows where "that spot" is!
Jarod KintzWrote: I wish I had a clone who knew where "that spot" was because I've been looking for Spot for weeks. He ran away and I just want somebody to tell me where he is. Puppies can't survive long on their own.
Kim~Wrote: haha Only you Jarod, could take a question about m@sturbation and turn it into talking about puppies.
Jarod~Wrote: I know, I have the bad habit of taking something innocent and natural, like masturbation, and twisting it into something perverted like little puppies. -Jarod Kintz
I said: I'd like to see a German man with no arms write a remake of "Mein Kampf, " or My Struggle. Except this time it'd be about the age old question of, how does an armless man masturbate? Because what other struggle in life is greater than this?
Kim said: An armless man would learn how to use his feet.
I said: That would be easier. Then he could just cum in his socks.
Kim said: true, but then he wouldnt be able to wash them because he doesnt have any hands.
I said: Nope. He'd just wait for it to dry and then carry on about his business like nothing hapened.
Kim said: But when they would dry they would be crusty from the cum and then he would probably scratch himself on the crusty cum laden socks Thus bleeding all over and not have any hands to wash his wounds and apply bandages
I said: that's true. He would be bleeding, but I'm sure he won't get as bloody as the time both of his arms got ripped off. So it's all relative.
Kim said: how do you know his arms were ripped off? maybe they were surgically removed by a great surgeon. And by great I mean he performed the procedure that produced very little blood loss.
I said: You mean the possibly that a mad surgeon removed them? What would he do that for? I know, so he could attach them to his own torso. That way he'd have two right hands and could jack off twice as fast. -Jarod Kintz
The Waffle House Waitress: I wish there was a giant waffle the size of a bed. I'd love to have a man take me on it, and splatter his man syrup all over me and the waffle bed. -Jarod Kintz
The lamest excuse I've ever given to get out of a date was, "I can't go out with you tonight because I think I broke my penis. Well, actually, I think Renaldo broke it when he slammed it in the trunk of Murphy's Mercedes. Of course I forgot that she was Murphy and that she drove a truck. -Jarod Kintz
Every once in a while I get so stressed out I just feel like having a light cnversation. Plus, I love talking about feathers and pillows and things like that. -Jarod Kintz
Used Car salesman: Taking it to a broad in the backseat of my car is the norm for me, so I guess the craziest place I ever had sex would be at Waffle House with that crazy waffle House waitress. The place wasn't so crazy, just THAT woman. The nasty things she did with that egg beater I aint never seen before. -Jarod Kintz
Boris, the bean counter: I'm a walking calculator. It's good to have a guy like me in your pocket. I can fudge numbers like they were brownies. If you were a prime number, would you stand up and be counted, or would you be the odd man out? I would. I'm unscrupulous, and I don't work well with people. I work well with numbers. You see, number can be trused and held accountable, unlike people. Numbers won't rat you out to the IRS. -Jarod Kintz
Struggling Author: If the novel I just started writing were a person, it'd be a mute. To me, anyone who sells more than three copies of their book is a best seller. I'd like to take a minute and thank all of my fans. Mom, Dad, I love you both. I made enough Royalties off my last book to feed a dead peasant. I'm not a poor excuse for a writer, I'm a rich excuse for dropping out of grad school (trust me, you'll save lots of money by dropping out). I like to meet interesting people. If we become friends, I might ask you some strange questions. If your brain was Play Dough, I still couldn't mold your mind. But I'd sure love to sniff your thoughts.Writing, although, writing takes place in the left hemisphere of the brain. And when I write, the other half of my brain often goes to sleep (so my stories are a little dry, ok?). But I'm left handed, and the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, and this is why I hardly ever get any writing done. -Jarod Kintz
190 Comments:
This is really funny. Great twist.
-Brianna
I love making friends, too. Especially at the park.
-Sammy
Very funny. I do the same, but I make my friends out of plastic, so when I leave them out in the rain they don't rot.
Mr. Big
These comics are soooo funny!
What kind of wood do you use? Pine, oak, synthetic?"
I love to whittle. Sadly, my girlfriend only has a nub for her left foot now.
i love making sperm, but friends are good too.
This is a funny comic. It wasn't by any chance quoted from the introvert, was it?
KC
cute.
I don't have to make friends, I just buy them.
P. Diddy
we should all get together and have a picnic. I'll bring the biscuits.
Reading a comic is a good investment of your time. So is reading a prenup.
A shadow puppet is like a moth fascinated by the light. And like the moth, some shadow puppets have been known to eat expensive clothing and little children.
-Jarod Kintz
A rumor is a truth that's strained like a wet noodle. So don't pasta word on if you know it will hurt the person being talked about.
-Jarod Kintz
A fluffy pillow is a place where many people find solace. A fluffy cat is where many dogs find dinner.
Before I ate my banker wife, she asked me, "cannibal-ance the checkbook?" I took this to mean she was trying to launder money rather than our clothes.
-Jarod Kintz
Some say the glass is half empty. I say. "it could be worse". It could be filled with urine.
When I am having a bad day I go shopping. Today I bought an elephant. He goes well with my statues.
Stupid people fascinate me. I can spend hours in the mirror just looking at myself.
-Jarod Kintz
I robbed a piggybank once and all I got was some sausages.
-Jarod Kintz
Seeing the leaves change is truly a beautiful sight. Seeing your face change is even better.
Becoming educated is like a lightbulb becoming brighter in your head. Getting your education from FAMU is like having a strobe light in there.
As a writer I am always looking forward to flashes of inspiration. The girls on spring break always seem to provide the perfect flashes. But the inspiration usually comes in spurts that run down my leg.
-Jarod Kintz
Never play hide and ghost seek with a dead man, a circus clown, a man with a banjo, and your mother in law. That's just spooky.
-Jarod Kintz
You can find sexy anywhere. Don't believe me? Check in between the cushions of my couch. Just don't sniff them.
-Jarod Kintz
I love money. I get my kicks on route richie-rich.
During the crusades, a journey of a thousand males begins with a single stoup. More blood has been spilt searching for the holy grail, than was originally in the grail.
-Jarod Kintz
My room mate says love is cold. Love is frozen. But then he likes having sex with ice cream.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is the bastard child of love. The one that is always dirty and has scraped knees.
-Jarod Kintz
Men, as a whole, view sex as three holes.
-Jarod Kintz
Marriage is the dearth of sex as you once knew it.
-Jarod Kintz
I say we vote a homeless man into the Whitehouse. At least he'll bring about a little change.
-Jarod Kintz
Not getting laid can be a crippling experience. Especially if you are looking for sex on the interstate.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex, like spiders, should involve eight legs and blood curdling screams.
-Jarod Kintz
When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxic. At least that's what my mechanic tells me.
-Jarod Kintz
I like sex when the girl is begging. There's just something erotic about homeless women.
-Jarod Kintz
A man who works with his hands has both a good business and sex life.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to wake up every morning and feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. But it was just my x-wife lying on my back. So eventually I shot her.
-Jarod Kintz
We exist through the mind, and are sexist through the body. Don't descriminate on gender, do it because someone has the brain capacity of a parking meter, which, suprisingly, plays a pretty mean game of chess.
-Jarod Kintz
It's hard to drive, talk on the phone, and fondle two breasts at the same time. That's how accidents happen, like spilling your coffee.
-Jarod Kintz
I find it very hard to fold clothes, especially while I'm wearing them.
-Jarod Kintz
I never make my goals out of reach from my stepladder, which I carry around in my wallet next to my "to do before I die" list. On that list are the dishes from yesterday.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of people are more afraid of public speaking than of death. I know I am. A tomato thrown at high enough velocity, and at just the right angle, could prove to be fatal.
-Jarod Kintz
I talked to a blind Jehovah's Witness the other day about who had been sacrificing my goats, and he didn't see anything.
-Jarod Kintz
Death is like a blind whore. You never see it coming.
-Jarod Kintz
Great things come to those who ate. Just don't get too full of yourself.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.
-Jarod Kintz
Great sex involves a limber woman and a stiff man.
-Jarod Kintz
Sexual economics: If you demand it, I won't supply it. Also called Secksonomics.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is the stairs, while love is the railing. One is good exorcize and will take you to a higher place, while the other gives you something to hole on to.
-Jarod Kintz
I know a basketball player named Cliff Ditch. Man, could he jump.
-Jarod Kintz
Some of the funniest and true statements of all time.
Some of the funniest and true statements of all time.
The oceam is massive, powerful and unconquerable. Kind of like the inevitable pimple before a first date.
Lauren Zimpel
The clothes don't make the man, the man makes the clothes. Or, sometimes, little children do.
-Jarod Kintz
A hand of cards is like a pile of clothes. Don't fold them unless you suspect someone will see a wrinkle of weakness.
-Jarod Kintz
I often let my imagination run wild like a caveman. It likes to draw on walls, grunt, and sometimes it clubs me in the forehead.
-Jarod Kintz
My armpits smell like a rotting corpse, so I invested in a new antiperspirent- dieorderent.
Life is a dance, even if you have no legs.
-Jarod Kintz
A hand of cards can't be like a pile of clothes. I can't imagine playing poker with a pair of panties. Or 52 for that matter. I mean, how would you shuffle them? And what would you use for chips, condoms still in their rappers?
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Jarod,
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate you taking the time and wrestling with this elementary concept. If you can't grasp that simple analagy, I'd hate to see you balance your checkbook. It's really quite easy. Don't fold your hand of cards, unless you've washed your clothes. But not while betting with money you don't have, unless your money is in the pants of some of the cards you are folding. That is, of course, unless those pants are at the dry cleaners, which I am sure they are. Oh, and the dry cleaners does not accpt poker chips as legal tender. Hope this clears up the issue for you.
Yours Truly,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Jarod,
I'm still confused. How can I play poker with pants that you are wearing, when my dry cleaner is off in India? And is he supposed to be the dealer? And Yes, I can balance my checkbook. I can balance it on my nose, on my elbow, and anywhere else you want, just not in Bombay with my pants.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Jarod,
Did your dry cleaner really run off with our pants? I'm calling your bluff. And I'll raise you twenty dollars.
Yours Truly,
Jarod Kintz
Jarod,
I could shuffle the panty cards in the dryer, but then where would grandmother sleep?
Yours,
Jarod Kintz
Your grandmother could sleep in the oversized lint trap.
Larry
Larry,
Do you mind if I call you Wendy? Good. If we put Grandmother in the Lint trap, where would we house the homeless men?
Yours,
Jarod Kintz
Well the homeless men could stay with me. I'm no stranger to having fleas in my bed.
Wendy
Wendy,
Do you mind if I call you Larry? Good. With all those people sleeping in your bed, it sounds kinky like pubic hair. Do you mind if I bring my film crew over and shoot some footage? Oh, and my buddy Renaldo the circus whore.
-Jarod Kintz
We actually know Renaldo. He braids my hair on weekends. It makes my pants fit better. Lucipher loves him. Just make sure you bring a tripod.
Larry
I like all kinds of music from death metal to maroon five. They both put me in the mood to kill.
-Jarod Kintz
I once made out with an elevator after losing my pants in a poker game to a blind elephant named Tony. I got lost in the moment. And Tony taught me to only focus on the tusk at hand. Now I only play poker naked and take the stairs as I walk on my hands that I won at the table.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to date an introverted umbrella. I could never get her to open up to me.
-Jarod Kintz
There once was a caveman stoner. He spent his life searching for weed. He was the first vagabong, a restless nomad who, although he spoke little, he toked a lot.
-Jarod Kintz
Every morning I wake up with a twitch in my eye, and a limp in my stride. Until I get my coffee I am crazy. I am caffeinding, and once the chemicals rush my system like a linebacker, and my veins pump blood to my brain, I can think. And thinking leads to thoughts. Thoughts of action, and thoughts of an esoteric nature. Ethereal of reletivity. After all, Abstraction speaks louder than words.
-Jarod Kintz
Wrestling with a jar of peanut butter is like grappling in the arctic, you want to break the seal. Don't drive over ice without your snow tires, but do buckle up because many people have been killed in a collision with a sandwich, drunk with jelly.
-Jarod Kintz
Most people sleep between the sheets, where I sleep between two slices of bread. And I am the cleanest guy in my family at the dinner table. I am going to change my last name to Napkintz.
-Jarod Kintz
I am currently learning how to surf and blay the bass. Although I still don't know how I am supposed to jam out and keep my balance enough to ride any waves.
-Jarod Kintz
Bring a fresh pair of panties, we're going to conquer the world.-Mathilda the great warrior king
~Jarod Kintz
Note to self:
As I walked in the bar, his yellow polo shirt contrasted with the green felt of the pool tables as sharply as the bloody intestines hanging out of a zebra after the fierce attack of a lion. And that's what I felt like doing, ripping someone's innards out. Don't forget to buy shaving cream at Publix. Oh, and water.
-Jarod Kintz
Never interrupt a man who is talking to himself, especially if you are both men.
-Jarod Kintz
woman: remember that time we were playing cards?
Jarod Kintz: Behind the fence at old man Riley's farm, and I got you naked and your sister came and kicked my ass?
woman: She was jealous, that's all.
Jarod Kintz: She can't have you all to herself, you know?
I once saw a man in Kentucky with four teeth, three in his mouth, and one growing in a cancerous lump on his forehead. I got a picture with me scrubbing his forehead with a toothbrush.
-Jarod Kintz
A man with no hands can't point a blameful finger, nor paint with his fingers, and he'll never be able to offer his hand in marriage.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wish there was a pill for faith that everyone would take so I could believe in people. Just a little faith, because too much might cause people to gag and throw uo.
-Jarod Kintz
The economy today is not bear or bull, it's a dog that's playing dead.
-Jarod Kintz
The economy today is a sleeping bear. Now is a good time to be a salmon swimming up the river of commodoties.
-Jarod Kintz
If it aint broke, date him.----or----If it aint broke, fix him up with me.
-Jarod Kintz
Uncle sam tries to squeeze all the income out of you. I'd like to income on the government's face.
-Jarod Kintz
You're not spending money on me, you're investing.
-Jarod Kintz
You keep saying that Kintz. But I have been told that the timing for investments is wrong at the nmoment. Looks like you are going to have to pay for your own prostitutes now. I am sick of paying extra for the ones with diseases.
If I were an orange farmer, I wouldn't mix business with pleasure. I'd drink my Vodka strait.--Jarod Kintz
I believe in God. I have a tremendous amount of faith in myself. Just kidding, I am a God fearing man. Jesus is one man I wouldn't want to piss off because right off the bat it's a three to one ratio, him vs. me. Not only that, but he has twelve homies that follow him around at all times. He could turn water to wine, but could he turn my urine to wine after I piss all over myself with fright? I think he can, and I deserve to drink it for even jokingly alluding to myself as God.
-Jarod Kintz
A computer randomly and systematically arranging billions of words together couldn't find original, wise phrases without the aid of a human being to tell it to stop on a certain strand of words.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't mind soldiers dying for our country, but I'd love our country to die for our soldiers. Or farmers, or cooks, or anyone really.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't like to think of death as an end, but more of an infinitely extended middle, with very little room to breath or even a need to do so.
-Jarod Kintz
Most people view death as a final statement. I don't. I view it as more of a question, and I have my entire life to figure out an answer.
-Jarod Kintz
There re many ways to live, all with varying results. And there are many ways to die, but they all have the same result: financial freedom.
-Jarod Kintz
Death is life's little brother. The sickly one who always skulks around in the corners wearing black cloaks that covers his bony frame and jaundiced skin.
-Jarod Kintz
90% of success is trying to find that other 10%. A successful man will spend his life searching for it and will never find it. An average man will mistake 90% for 100%.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend was such a tyrant that when we decided that the best thing for or relationship would be to take a break, she made me clock out.
-Jarod Kintz
Heaven might be full of vodka, and hell full of alcoholics. And in between is Earth, which has the orange juice and the mixture of both of those two places.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes, when I am eating hot soup, I wish my bowl was filled with Love. And that the bowl was big enough to feed the whole world. Then I wonder how long it would take to crunch up all the crackers needed to put in the ginormous bowl of love. Not half as long, I'll bet, if everyone crunched them up with their feet. But that'd make the love soup dirty. But then again, I guess love has always been sort of dirty in the first place. By the time I am done thinking my bowl is almost empty, but not as empty as some people's hearts. Doesn't matter to me though, as long as my stomach is full.
-Jarod Kintz
One of my favorite things to do on a beautiful summer day when the sky is a peaceful blue, is to pack up my towel and cooler, and head to the beach. Oh, and I also bring a Super Soaker filled with blood and I stand firmly on dry sand and shoot it into the waves of surfers and sit back and enjoy the show.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Charmin,
I bet you take a lot of shit being in the industry you are in.
~Jarod Kintz
Dear Charmin,
I would say that America has gone strait to shit in the last few years. Mass thinking is rising, and naturally, individual thought is decreasing. What this country needs is to roll out some intellectual tiolet paper, something to wipe away the ignorance. America needs you to help with this mess.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Charmin,
I just got back from a crappy vacation. I visited to the world's largest toilet. You might have heard of it, it's called New Jersey. I think it would be awesome if we came out with the world's largest roll of toilet paper to put on display in front of Trenton's capitol building. We could hold a publicity promotion, and invite a lot of celebrities. And instead of rolling out the red carpet, we'd just unroll the toilet paper. It'll be lots of fun. Let me know what you think.
Thanks,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Sutter Home,
I am not much of a wine drinker, but I must admit that I love your wine. After a few bottles yesterday I started to wonder something. Do you think that if a goat owned a winery, that she'd make both the wine and the cheese, and design the wine to harmonize around her cheese? this would be a very savvy business goat. Get back to me with your thoughts on this.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kitnz
The realization of talent is one of life's greatest blessings.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Vermont Teddy Bear,
Hello, my name is Jarod, and I am a recovering teddy bear beater. I abuse most domesticated stuffed animals, ranging from small kittens and dogs, to even might lions and tigers. I used to be really addicted to smashing my hard knuckles into their soft, stuffed faces. But I still get violent urges every time I see a furry inanimate animal, but I've lately I’ve scaled back and now I only punch pillows. But sometimes I sneak in two or three bears in a pillow case, so my girlfriend can't see the what i'm really doing, and I smash it against the wall. Why do I feel the need to harm these harmless inanimal objects? What can I do to stop the violence. I need your help. Please get back to me quickly before another stuffed animal gets shamefully smothered and beaten.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
In my mind I'm tougher than any stuffed animal or stuffed man, known to man, or animal.
-Jarod Kintz
Holidays are a time to be happy. At Thanksgiving I'm like a teddy bear, except without all the fur, but similarly full of stuffing.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Krispy Kreme,
Pastries are my passion. Hello, I'm Jarod, and my yearly doughnut consumption numbers are higher than the number of literate people in most third world countries. But I'm skinny as a rail, without snorting any rails too. What's my secret? Well I order your chocolate iced custard filled doughnuts by the dozen every morning, and instead of eating the dough, I just suck the custard out of the middle, and lick off the frosting. This new Krispy Kreme diet has worked for me, and I think it could work for millions of other Americans who are obsessive compulsive. I'm not like that Subway Jared, my name is spelled with an "O", just like the center of a great doughnut. You should make a commercial and feature me in it. I'll tell the world the wonders of only consuming Krispy Kreme, and how they too can be as fit as I am.
We'll work out the details of my contract upon your reply.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
I find that the quality of most bathroom reading books is exactly the same as the thing being expelled by the reader. The books would be a better buy if the pages were made out of toilet paper.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Brunswick Billiards,
I like shooting pool as much as the next man, except if the man standing next to me has no arms. And I am obsessed with trick shots, and I was wondering if you could tell me if this would be a cool trick. Ok, the person shooting the ball has to be balanced on the edge of the pool table while sitting on a unicycle, and then, while juggling three pool balls, he gradually lets them drop randomly onto the table before shooting the cue ball and making all three balls into the same corner pocket. And all of this while wearing a blindfold made out of a woman's dress as she sits on the shooters face. Is that not the craziest trick you've ever heard of? I'll start practicing as soon as I find the woman and the unicycle, but I am working on my juggling skills now. Let me know what you think.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Steak and Shake,
For me, a hamburger is good, but a cheeseburger is better. And French fries taste swell, but cheese fries are even more delicious. Cheese makes life worth living. I'm a firm believer in the power of cheese, and I prefer patriotic cheese. That's right, American cheese all the way. I feel your diner has remarkable insight into the realm of cheese, since you offer cheese on a lot of your menu items. Bit I think you've overlooked one item: milkshakes. If cheese can work for cakes, why can't it work for shakes? A cheese milkshake. Mmmm. Melted meets frozen in a smooth handshake inside my mouth. I like cheese so much that sometimes I wish my tongue were made of cheese, because then I wouldn't mind burning my tongue. I'd just eat a piece of toast and it'd be like a grilled cheese sandwich, which is almost godly. Cheese is more important to society, in my opinion, than silly things like money. Who wants bricks of gold, when you can have bricks of cheese? Not me, that's for sure. So I hope to be able to order a cheese milkshake from your fine diner in the very near future, and wash it down with a hot cup of melted cheese.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Febreeze,
Your air freshener has a way of making even the raunchiest of rooms smell bright and clean. Filthy air is like a filthy mind, it causes people to do crazy things like clean, or maybe even naughtier things like vacuum . . . naked. That’s why I think you should come out with an air freshener of the mind. I already use your product to clear my mind now. I find that when I am feeling down, or naughty, I just lodge the tip of your can firmly in my nostril, and I do about three or four deep huffs. Then I'm like another person for a briefness. I think you should market your product as something that can make event he dirtiest minds fresh again. It’d be great for any child in middle school. Forget washing their mouth’s out with soap. The mouth’s just the messenger. Why not treat the source? Clear your conscious and your child’s mind, with just one use of Febreeze. Let me know what you think about my idea for the new product line, "Febreeze: Air Freshener of the Mind.”
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
If you want to get lucky on the first date, make it a picnic. And make sure to bring the wine, the food, the candles, the whip cream, the hand cuffs, and the goats. It's a recipe for a crazy night.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission,
Is it legal for me to catch a wolf, skin it, and carve out it’s skull and resell it as quite likely the world’s first blanket bowl. You wear it while you eat soup or cereal on cold nights or mornings. Form meets function in this. Wolf meets bowl, in what I call a bowlf, or a merging or bowlf of their names. Do I have to have a license to either hunt wolves, or make bowls?
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Bubba's Parks: We are a Georgia trailer park that is dedicated to serving our communtiy culturally, as well as financially. While it is true that we are bankrupt in both aspects, we always strive give the impression of affluence.
-Jarod Kintz
Friends are like American flags: it feels better to hang them on poles and criticize them, rather than burning them.
Nature often arises out of necessity. If you can't listen very well, you should poke out your eyes. And if your life has no balance, you should chop off your right leg and your left arm.
-Jarod Kintz
Have I got a great deal for you my friend. It's an '87 Buick, and it only has three wheels. But three is the new four, if you follow the trends, like I do. And it even comes stock with a slightly used air freshener. It's petrified to the dashboard, so it't won't jiggle in your vision while you drive. You might have trouble turning corners if you go to fast, which shouldn't be a problem because I'm not really sure that the engine runs. But for 50 bucks you can't beat it. Just leave it in your yard as decoration. Girlfriends don't really want diamonds and jewelry, they want used Buicks lying dormant in their flower gardens. Take it from me, I've had many wives. And if there's one thing I know about women, it's that they love Buicks--especially the backseats, if you know what I mean. And don't you worry, I already checked out this backseat, although it was during my lunch break, and I was alone. It felt great to unleash my manhood all over the upholstery!
-Jarod Kintz
When life hands you a lemon, stab the used car salesman who sold it to you.
-Jarod Kintz
Today and Tomorrow
The brown of the bark
rose tall,
as the green
of the pine needles
stitched against
the grain
of the blue sky
backdrop
at the lake,
which was as quiet
as the dead mime
that is stuffed
in my closet under a pile
of panties
that I stole
from he nursing home
yesterday.
And I'm as peaceful
as a pedophile
swinging on a swing
in an empty
playground,
except I'm not
as disturbed
by the news
that the children
went missing from school
today so they can be out
enjoying the weather.
If tomorrow
could be like today,
I wish it would.
Then I would remember
to take my camera back
from that bastard who took
it from me because I took
a picture of his girlfriend
with my digital
memory. I would be mad,
but not on a day
like today, which looks
exactly like yesterday,
and a lot
like tomorrow,
because as I'm sitting
here, under this pile
of panties in my closet,
that's all I've got
is my memory
of today and tomorrow.
-Jarod Kintz
Don't sodomize an ostrich, it could be the most voilent and bloody sex of your life. Take it from me, who took it from someone else about this.
Today, there were thousands of babies born all across the world. And tomorrow, thousands more will be born. That's crazy to me, because tomorrow is Tuesday, and hardly anything gets done on Tuesdays. If no work gets done on Tuesdays, how can there be so many women in labor?
You wouldn't get mad at a tree and burn a forest down, would you? Or cut down a banana tree just to get even with a monkey. So why cut somebody off, force them off the road and into their trunk, and then push their coff off a bridge just because they had a bumper sticker that had writing so small that it reminded you that your eye sight is getting steadily worse? I know it doesn't make sense, but you really can't blame me. Everyone makes irrational decisions sometimes.
I might get angry at the price of my girlfriend's clothes, but I don't take out that aggression by making her wear the clothes she bought and then burning the clothes. But I think I should be mad at the price of gasoline, and make George Bush and the executives at Exxon wear the a barrel of oil, and then burn the oil.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to see a German man with no arms do a remake of "Mein Kampf," or My Struggle. Except this time it's be about the age old question of, how does an armless man masturbate?
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to see a German man with no arms write a remake of "Mein Kampf," or My Struggle. Except this time it'd be about the age old question of, how does an armless man masturbate? Because what other struggle in life is greater than this?
-Jarod Kintz
The PENis overrated~Wrote:
Why must we label everything. Let's just be happy that we found someone who knows where "that spot" is!
Jarod KintzWrote:
I wish I had a clone who knew where "that spot" was because I've been looking for Spot for weeks. He ran away and I just want somebody to tell me where he is. Puppies can't survive long on their own.
Kim~Wrote:
haha Only you Jarod, could take a question about m@sturbation and turn it into talking about puppies.
Jarod~Wrote:
I know, I have the bad habit of taking something innocent and natural, like masturbation, and twisting it into something perverted like little puppies.
-Jarod Kintz
I said: I'd like to see a German man with no arms write a remake of "Mein Kampf, " or My Struggle. Except this time it'd be about the age old question of, how does an armless man masturbate? Because what other struggle in life is greater than this?
Kim said: An armless man would learn how to use his feet.
I said: That would be easier. Then he could just cum in his socks.
Kim said: true, but then he wouldnt be able to wash them because he doesnt have any hands.
I said: Nope. He'd just wait for it to dry and then carry on about his business like nothing hapened.
Kim said: But when they would dry they would be crusty from the cum and then he would probably scratch himself on the crusty cum laden socks Thus bleeding all over and not have any hands to wash his wounds and apply bandages
I said: that's true. He would be bleeding, but I'm sure he won't get as bloody as the time both of his arms got ripped off. So it's all relative.
Kim said: how do you know his arms were ripped off? maybe they were surgically removed by a great surgeon. And by great I mean he performed the procedure that produced very little blood loss.
I said: You mean the possibly that a mad surgeon removed them? What would he do that for? I know, so he could attach them to his own torso. That way he'd have two right hands and could jack off twice as fast.
-Jarod Kintz
The Waffle House Waitress: I wish there was a giant waffle the size of a bed. I'd love to have a man take me on it, and splatter his man syrup all over me and the waffle bed.
-Jarod Kintz
The lamest excuse I've ever given to get out of a date was, "I can't go out with you tonight because I think I broke my penis. Well, actually, I think Renaldo broke it when he slammed it in the trunk of Murphy's Mercedes. Of course I forgot that she was Murphy and that she drove a truck.
-Jarod Kintz
The Waffle House Waitress: Sex, like waffles, is better with syrup splattered in all the holes.
-Jarod Kintz
Armando the Armadillo: Sex, like terrorizing trash cans, is most enjoyable when partnering up with homeless men.
-Jarod Kintz
Mr. Fu: Sex, like egg rolls, is better when everybody's fried. Ever been to an opium den before?
-Jarod Kintz
love, like a fortune cookie, is better when Mr. Fu is making it. Who feel like getting lucky?
-Jarod Kintz
Every once in a while I get so stressed out I just feel like having a light cnversation. Plus, I love talking about feathers and pillows and things like that.
-Jarod Kintz
sex, like business, is better with multiple partners. true, or not true?
Used Car salesman: Depends on how big the backseat of the car in the business deal is.
Very true. Also, You never want to have sex, or do business, with anyone who is dirty.
-Jarod Kintz
Papa Smurf: Sex, like a summer sky, is better when it's all blue.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex, like war, is better with lots of arms. And legs too, of course.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex, like war, is better with lots of arms. And legs and torsos too, of course.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex in the workplace is like sardines. It's best when you just got canned.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish they had a vibrator that also doubled as a remote control. That way, I wouldn't have to get off my ass to change the channel.
-Jarod Kintz
Used Car salesman: Taking it to a broad in the backseat of my car is the norm for me, so I guess the craziest place I ever had sex would be at Waffle House with that crazy waffle House waitress. The place wasn't so crazy, just THAT woman. The nasty things she did with that egg beater I aint never seen before.
-Jarod Kintz
Boris, the bean counter: I'm a walking calculator. It's good to have a guy like me in your pocket. I can fudge numbers like they were brownies. If you were a prime number, would you stand up and be counted, or would you be the odd man out? I would. I'm unscrupulous, and I don't work well with people. I work well with numbers. You see, number can be trused and held accountable, unlike people. Numbers won't rat you out to the IRS.
-Jarod Kintz
Boris, the bean counter: My hero is my father, for dying before I could meet him.
-Jarod Kintz
Struggling Author: If the novel I just started writing were a person, it'd be a mute. To me, anyone who sells more than three copies of their book is a best seller. I'd like to take a minute and thank all of my fans. Mom, Dad, I love you both. I made enough Royalties off my last book to feed a dead peasant. I'm not a poor excuse for a writer, I'm a rich excuse for dropping out of grad school (trust me, you'll save lots of money by dropping out). I like to meet interesting people. If we become friends, I might ask you some strange questions. If your brain was Play Dough, I still couldn't mold your mind. But I'd sure love to sniff your thoughts.Writing, although, writing takes place in the left hemisphere of the brain. And when I write, the other half of my brain often goes to sleep (so my stories are a little dry, ok?). But I'm left handed, and the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, and this is why I hardly ever get any writing done.
-Jarod Kintz