This is a deeply moving drawing. To me it represents God. He is the tree of life. And the footsteps are from the son(sun) to the father (the tree). Through the son we are led to the father. -Orafoura
I love cruising along in the fast lane. Going slow and pissing off all the divers behind me. Sometimes I might feel pressured to switch it up to a higher gear. But I usually don't like doing that, especially if I'm pedaling into a headwind. -Jarod Kintz
They say TVs and computers are going to be merged in the near future. GREAT! THat's all I need-thirty second commercials interrupting a thirty second porn clip. -Jarod Kintz
I sometimes wish I wore underwear instead of boxers. Boxers get too hot and sweaty. But they really piss me off when they take off their gloves and knock my balls like a punching bag. -Jarod Kintz
I like taking souvenirs from places I visit. Last year in Rome I stuffed the coliseum in my suitcase. Although I did get stopped at customs and busted for smuggling grapes in my pants. -Jarod Kintz
Having sex before marriage is like using make-up, then returning it. The gloss is a little smeared and there will always be a little blush on the surface.
I tried drawing a picture of Jay Leno. It came out looking like an exact portrait of my mother. And she was crying, because she thinks she looks more like Conan O'Brian. So I tried drawing Conan, but it came out looking like my father, who is a bastard, so I erased him. This made mother cry even harder. Then I pissed all over my poor drawings, and it looked like Carson Daily. -Jarod Kintz
I once had sex from behind in the front of a plane, in the cockpit. It was airplanal sex. I earned my wings that day. The pilot's name was Anna, it was just Annal sex. -Jarod Kintz
Love stings. So does sleeping with a scorpion. Although only one will guaranteed kill you, the other makes you wonder how a scorpion got into your bed. -Jarod Kintz
I want to start a discount retailer called Mass Gask. It will be the first defense against the poisenous clientelle of Wal Mart. The ailes wil be the width of a shopping cart and only flow in one direction. This makes idle time and ailse clogging from obese people obsolete. -Jarod Kintz
If an executive for a glass company commits suicide by throwing himself out of his 20th story office window, does the company get a tax write off replacing the window? At least they will get it replaced at cost and not retail. -Jarod Kintz
When I am running late in the morning I like to shove myself in the washing machine. I get a shower and laundry done in one bulk of time. Sometimes I also stack my wallet full of cash and launder my money too. -Jarod Kintz
If there were a shower that dispensed wisdom, and I was scrubbing myself with insight, I would stil enjoy peeing down my leg as I belt out moronic pop songs from the radio. -Jarod Kintz
A rapper is a man who fits his rhymes to a beat, like shoes to his feet. And literarily speaking, they are not that big of shoes to fill. Maybe size two, in womens. -Jarod Kintz
Last week I had the president of a credit card company over for dinner. He got to sit in the chair that plugs in to the wall. Our conversation was electric, and I'm sure he got the biggest charge of his life. -Jarod Kintz
Like the waves in the ocean, life is overlapping. Though the currents may change down through the generations, the overall pull of humanity will remain the same. -Jarod Kintz
Tom Granner sells used fast food grease as an alternative energy. His slogan: The Grease is always Granner, and the air is always cleaner. -Jarod Kintz
The problem with money is you can print more. The problem with bartering with sheep is you can clone more. But they can't clone overpriced land, or the fools that buy it. -Jarod Kintz
When making love, you can really set the mood with ambient lighting. My girlfriend likes candles, while I prefer the headlights on the interstate. -Jarod Kintz
Never sleep with a girl you can't take home to mother. if you don't have a mother, never sleep with a girl you can't take home to father. If you don't have a father either, never sleep with a girl you can't take home. If you don't have a home, you probably couldn't take her home even if you had one. -Jarod Kintz
I sold my best friend into slavery last week, and now I have nobody to talk to. But my girlfriend is happy now that I've stopped talking to myself. -Jarod Kintz
I believe Americans have a responsibility to vote for what is right. But politics are a bit confusing, so they should have three boxes on the ballots, one for right, one for wrong, and one for I don't know how to read English and by checking this box I don't understand I am consenting that I will be deported to my native country effective imediately. -Jarod Kintz
I used to want to pick oranges, but I didn't get the job because I'm colorblind. That plus he asked me if I was more of an apple guy or an orange guy, and I asked if he was insinuating that I was a homosexual, and if he was that I wouldn't go down on him just to get the job (which I did), but still I didn't get the job. -Jarod Kintz
=If I were to adopt, I'd do it right. You know, a 16-year-old girl get's pregnant and has a cute girl. =Why would you adopt a 16-year-old girl when you could just adopt her baby? -Jarod Kintz
=I don't want children I want to skip right over and have grandchildren. =So I guess you'd better start sleeping with elderly people then. -Jarod Kintz
I'd rather be an empty man with a full bottle of vodka, than a man with two cheese sandwiches in his pocket and shoes made from alabaster. -Jarod Kintz
Life has a funny way of squeezing a man's budget through his balls and leaving both him and his balls blue, as his wallet is empty of green. -Jarod Kintz
Life has a way of eating your last piece of pizza you paid for with a coupon you clipped from your neighbor's newspaper. And by life, I mean Chris, your friend who has been sleeping on your sofa for weeks and urinating in your ice cube trey as he complains that I need to wash my girlfriend's panties, because he is running out of underwear. -Jarod Kintz
If you're going to steal a man's wallet, do it while it's in the pants he's wearing. And take the pants with everything in them, (wallet, keys, cell phone, his legs)so that he can neither give chase, nor call for help. -Jarod Kintz
God gave man many talents. In the same way you can't use underwear as socks, you also can't misuse the gifts God has given to you. Although it's been a long time since God has given me either socks or underwear, I get the most use out of them by wearing them for weeks on end. Oh, and he also doesn't like it when you wash the colors with the whites, nor fail to read the labels before throwing them in the dryer. -Jarod Kintz
The only time it's ok to clone ten thousand people and stuff them all into a briefcase is when you're talking about Ben Franklin, baby.
If you ask Edison how many slightly deaf inventors it takes to screw in a light bulb he might respond, YOu wouldn't have a light bulb to screw in if it weren't for me. I should have made it run off of fragrances. rather than electricity, that way you could screw it up your ass!
Brad's Pitt: Fortunately I look better than I smell.
Freedom of speech impediments: "Lady Lisperty hath, in all her withdom, granted me thith freedom, ath well ath the right to purthue happineth.
I kidnapped a car salesman. What, it's not like I stole him. He wasn't new, he was used.
If there were a decibel level Olympics, silence might be golden, but noise would surely take the silver. And silence would have no national anthem playing up on the podium either. -Jarod Kintz
Have I got a deal for you. Just look at this beast of a car I have on my profile. Cobalt blue, at least I think it's Cobalt. I'm color blind, so what do I know? I'll tell you what I do know, is this is a heck of a car, at a heck of a price. Plush cotton seating that has conviniently already been broken in, just like the car has been on several occasions. Criminals have great taste. I should know. And because I got this at the police impound, you know you're dealing with a fine piece of machinery. This engine screams luxury. Well, it just screams. Maybe it's thirsty for oil. Who knows these things? I'm no mechanic, I'm just a guy with a keen eye for value. -Jarod Kintz
I like urinating in the back seats of every car I sell. It's just sort of a macho hobby thing I do. It makes me smile knowing that whenever I sell a car to a teenage kid, that he's going to be having sex on the very seat I pissed on. -Jarod Kintz
I try to discourage my customers to avoid listening to music. Mostly I say this because the beaters I sell either have no radio, because it got stolen, or it's a busted radio, because they don't respond too well to getting urinated on. -Jarod Kintz
Man is the queen of all animals. The king of all animals is woman. This is half true half the time. Reverse it and it becomes 100% true half the time.
Never trust a man you can't throw more than 40 yards. That's why I only trust men shaped like footballs.
Just because an old person has a soccer ball for a head doesn't mean you can kick them in the face. There are penalties for doing things like that.
There is never enough time or money in the world. Unfortunately, as of now, the government can only print off more of one of those resources. Too bad it devalues the least valuable of the two.
I like to hold conversations in formation. That way no one speaks out of line.
My room mate prefers short conversations, while I prefer lanky ones. Conversations with me are like 1-on-1 basketball: I never assist, and I always try to block out the other guy. -Jarod Kintz
The leaves are changing, just like we are-- Some of the leaves are as yellow as a fire hydrant, And the sky as blue as a field of Topaz.
My hand is open like a book, And there are scribbles from a pen, Black ink that is half doodle, half confession, But instead of confronting the text, I bunch my fist and refuse to recognize The reality within the message inscribed In my palm. So I bend down to pick Up some dead leaves Lying on the ground Like past memories of us. I crush the
Leaves in my hand and then scatter Them in the pond, as I try to sink The thought of you like a Sweet Duck Bird.
If sex appeal were sweat, I’d want to be Shaquille O’neill’s armpits.
In most unhealthy relationships, one person is like a forest, while the other person is like a lumberjack, always trying to cut the other person down.
A wrinkled member in society maybe a rather hard little fellow behind closed doors.
A wrinkled member in society needs not extend himself to draw attention to himself.
The baby rabbit says to himself, “I want a baby carrot.” and the baby cannibal says to himself, “I want to eat a fetus.” I’d recommend both in the can.
It doesn’t matter whether you want to eat Vienna Sausages, or raw human excrement, both are better in the can.
Two cans of Campbell’s soup are in a relationship. One day, after buying a new outfit, the woman can asks the man can, “Does this skirt make me look fat?” Without looking up the man Campbell’s soup can replies, “Maybe just a little bit chunky.” The moral of the story is, Don’t date cans of chunky soup. It’s ok to get one or two of them in the sack, but one too many and everything will break out from under you.
Her panties stank like Feta cheese, but I ate them anyway. I ate them with a cracker, a Ritz, imagining them doing the splits. -Jarod Kintz
I noticed how on the back of Tylenol bottles it says Keep out of reach of children. So everytime my sister's retarded son comes over, I always place the tylenol bottle in the trophy cabinet where his diploma would have gone.
I got my wisdom teeth pulled out last week, and my mouth still feels foolish.
If girlfriend's were fonts, you wouldn't be my type.
If gettig married were a fountain drink, it'd be a suicide.
If the Fountain of youth were a fountain drink machine, I'd enjoy a suicide.
Love stinks when you fall for a pile of poop.
I've got to take a shit the size of New Jersey, but it won't stink nearly as bad. -Jarod Kintz
Marriage is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of suicide.
1. Cigarettes: scapegoat (see blog)
2. Relationships: should be like eggs--over easy
3. Your Last Ex: had sexy green eyes and looked fantastic naked!
4. Power Rangers: make wearing tights look so glorious
5. Marijuana: I forgot what my response for this one was
6. Crack: only on a woman's ass
7. Food: As a contrarian I like to do the opposite of what the masses do. And the masses eat, so I have sworn off food. I'll be a contrarian til I die...which should be in a few days here.
8. The President: me in 2008!
9. War: is an artform, yet I am the only person who would dream of showing up in battle armed with a canvas and a paintbrush.
10. Cars: so last century
11. Gas Prices: made me seek alternate forms of transportation (I'm currently looking into shower camels, who subsist not on water, but on morning urine)
12. Halloween: hurling candy at llittle children
13. Bon Jovi: beautiful hair
14. Religion: Jesus
16. MySpace: socially acceptable substance abuse
17. Worst Fear: my worst fear is the worst
18. Marriage: socially acceptable suicide
19. Fashion: nakedness, coupled with a high and tight mullet is coming back in 07!
20. Brunettes: hot
21. Redheads: Steve
22: Work: highly overrated
23: Pass the time: staring at the wall waiting for my erection to pass
24. One night stands: night stands should come in pairs, one for each side of the bed.
25: Cell Phone: when on vibrate, doubles as a vibrator. THat's why I'm always talking like I have my head up my ass.
26: Pet Peeves: no, I don't have a pet named Peeves. It's Mr. Peeves.
27: Pixie Stix: fairy sheesh-ka-bobs
28: Vanilla Ice cream: If I had ice cream for brains, and I married a conehead, my children would be the perfect summer dream!
29: Porta Potties: pushh overs
30: High school: 4-year nap
31: Pajamas: best worn by someone other than me
32. Wood: just supressed mine
33. Surfers: like to wave
34. Pictures: America is soulless and unGodly today because pictures, just like the Africans believed, have robbed us of our spirits. Burn all the naked pictures! Better yet, send them to me and I'll do it.
35. First "True" Love? What is the essence of truth? Perhaps it's just a version of falsehood. This question is too metaphysical for a quick answer. For a more essay style answer that prompts the nature of natures within the core being of our existence, send me an email and I'll send you the 70 page mainfesto I just composed on the subject yesterday. -Jarod Kintz
1. How tall are you barefoot? Barely an inch shorter than I am with shoes on
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? not in the last couple of minutes, no
3. Do you own a gun? I own a bullet, but I rent the gun
4. Who's your best friend? The guy i nought the bullet from. Well there were actually two guys who sold me bullets, but now there's only one guy and one bullet.
5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"? That's silly. I met them when I was born, why would I have been nervous. In fact, I can hardly even remember what they said to me.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I think that sometimes I want to dress up as a hot dog bun, along with nine other gys to make a package of buns, and invite over 8 girls who are dressed up like hot dogs. Then I'll stand in the corner with another lonely bun guy and pout at being left out.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? scrambled egg milkshake
9. Do you do push-ups? I do like every other one
10. Have you ever done exstasy? What, in the last few minutes?
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? The bracelet that was stolen off my arm, without the bracelet ever coming off my arm. Now I can only do one arm push ups.
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? my binary anal defribulator
14. Do you own a knife? no, I rent
15. Do you have A.D.D.? Sometimes I feel that I have A.D.D. but then othertimes...I'm sorry, what was the question again. Oh look, what is that thing?
16. Middle Name? I was tragically born with just an initial
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? first thought, leading to this thought, which is kind of empty like my stomach.
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought today or yesterday: I bought a condo for lunch, some lubrication for desert, and some anal beads for dinner
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. water, persiration, saliva
20. What time did you wake up today? five minutes before my alarm went off
22. Current worry? I'm constantly worrying if I worry too much. I'm a metaworrier
23. Current hate? I hate hateful things
24. Favorite place to be? in the moment
25. Least favorite place to be? trapped in the last moment
26. Where would you like to go? I like to go in the bushes
27. Do you own slippers? too slippery for me. I once owned a pair of slippers that were nothing more than two banana peels wrapped around my ankles.
28. What shirt are you wearing? My invisible shirt, the one that shows off my nipples
29. Do you burn or tan? If it's a big enough bonfire, yeah I'll burn
30. Favorite color(s)? Like a dog, I'm colorblind. But I do have an excellent sense of where to urinate in the neighbor's yard.
31. Would you be a pirate? How do you think I get my money now?
32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink? the last time I drank Orange juice
33. What songs do you sing in the shower? Pump up the jam
34. What did you fear as you were going to bed at night?
35. What's in your pockets right now? My hand that's rubbing up and down on the thing that's beneath my pocket
36. Last thing that made you laugh? looking at the thing beneath my pocket, the same thing I am rubbing now
38. Worst injury you've ever had? One time I rubbed the skin completely off the thing that's beneath my pocket, the one that I am rubbing now
41. Who is your loudest friend? My friend Gaphy. His mouth is shaped like a megaphone, his voice is like thunder, and his eyes are as dull as lightning. He's also a mime vantriloquist, so when we are together he makes hand gestures and people think I'm making them. Like one time, he made it looked like my hands were rubbing my crotch, when they totally weren't. I swear they weren't.
42. Who is your most silent friend? I know a mime with no arms. He just kind of mopes around.
43. Does someone have a crush on you? of course...i just don't have any idea who it is.
44. Do you wish on shooting stars? I would never want to shoot a star. Well, maybe a few, like Gilbert Godfreid.
45. What is your favorite book? mine, sillly. and the Bible--no joke
46. What is your favorite candy? anything a stranger is offering
47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding? U2, ONE
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? U2, I still haven't found what I'm looking for
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? I'll tell you what I was NOT doing. I was not peeking into my neighbor's bedroom and trying to watch them have sex, that's most certainly what I wasn't doing. Why do you ask? What'd you hear?
50. What was the First thing you thought of when you woke up? Is this a continuation of my dream? -Jarod Kintz
I’ll feel most alone When I’m fully enlightened-- Nobody will be there To understand, Not even my shadow.
Sometimes the “voice” in my head, my internal dialogue, is female. Whenever this happens I laugh in my mind, a big manly laugh, and I tell the female voice to go wash the dishes that are scatologically soaking in the sink of my filthy imagination.
“Release My Fear” If I were a shark, I’d never be constipated, Because I’d just look In the mirror And instantly shit myself -Jarod Kintz
I’ll feel most alone When I’m fully enlightened-- Nobody will be there To understand, Not even my shadow.
Sometimes the “voice” in my head, my internal dialogue, is female. Whenever this happens I laugh in my mind, a big manly laugh, and I tell the female voice to go wash the dishes that are scatologically soaking in the sink of my filthy imagination.
“Release My Fear” If I were a shark, I’d never be constipated, Because I’d just look In the mirror And instantly shit myself -Jarod Kintz
The Dharma Bums is like a nickel, and society of the fifties was like an interstate. The Dharma Bums created a certain kind of friction like Kerouac was rubbing his nickel of a novel on the road. Maybe friction is too concrete of a word. Perhaps perverseness is a better word choice. It was perverse in the context of going against what was the expected outlook of the fifties.
I hate fake girls. Especially the ones with prosthetic appendages.
If Mother Nature and Father Time had a lovechild, would that child be a sundial? -Jarod Kintz
Q1) When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in then start the water? Everyday is a golden new day, starting with my showers. And those don’t start until my camel is good and ready to let it flow.
Q2) Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle? Read them? I wrote the label on my shampoo bottle. I wrote it in Arabic, and tattooed it on the scrotum of my camel.
Q3) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the Herbal Essences commercial? Only when my camel, Abu, gets frisky and inserts his “hose” in my anal cavity, although no dentist has been there for a few months.
Q4) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex? Nope. Just me, Mr. Boo and Abu.
Q5) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings? Abu wouldn’t abide by that.
Q6) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower? I’ve explored many a deep cavity in the shower.
Q7) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot? Yeah, but the soap was lodged deep in my ass, so it made for a really awkward photo (Mr. Boo snapped it of when I wasn’t looking)
Q8) How old do you look? I don’t start looking until they are 18, thank you very much.
Q9) How old do you act? I’m a terrible actor. I’m a much better actress.
Q10) Whats the last song you sang? I’ll make love to Abu, by Boys to Camels (That song makes me want to hump)
Q11) Have you recently become a member of anything? I became a member of the memory club I think, I can’t remember if I’m a member or not.
Q12) What are your plans for the weekend? I’m taking this girl out. I think I’ll use a Sig Sauer.
Q13) Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed? I kiss with my lips.
Q14) Whats the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice? She’s not my type of camel
Q15) Does anything on your body itch right now? The bottom of my foot, so let me take a moment to scratch my ass.
Q16) Who's the sexiest famous woman alive? Why does she have to be famous? I would have answered if you didn’t say famous.
Q17) Who's the sexiest famous man alive? Toss up between Brad Pitt, Paul walker, and Mathew McCaughney
Q18) Does every family have a crazy uncle? Unless you’re an orphan
Q19) Have you ever smuggled something into America? I smuggled some customs through customs, but then I decided I preferred my native customs so I abandoned my foreign, heathen ways.
Q20) Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive? Are they playing it with their legs spread?
Q21) Do you live in a city with a good sports team? Yeah, and the morons that go with having such a team.
Q22) Have you ever finished off the popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom of the bag? Depends what that “junk” is.
Q23) Have you ever had sex in a tent? I’ve licked a few gonads of a few nomads.
Q24) What about in a boat? If this boats a rocking, I’m probably in the corner vomiting everywhere.
Q25) Have you ever dated a Goth? A Visigoth? I hear they are good in the sack…ing of Rome.
Q26) Would you rather receive amazing oral sex or have amazing sex? As long as I cum I’m cool with it.
Q27) Can you fix your own car? Abu never breaks down. -Jarod Kintz
What side of the heart do you draw first? The back…I start with the knife that’s deeply lodged in.
Can you dive without blocking your nose? Usually I dive with my legs, it hurts too much to use my nose to spring off the board.
What color is your razor? Flesh colored. The only way I can see it is from the trail of blood. What was for dinner last night? I had empty calories. I ate a box.
What’s your favorite number? My favorite number would have to be the 145,987,273,023th place of pi.
Have you ever changed the wording in a question / added a question to a survey you didn’t create? No (See next question)
Have you ever lied about any of these questions? No (See previous question)
What’s your favorite kind of gum? The kind that I just found under the seat here at the UF computer lab.
Do you like to read? I like fuzzy picture books, and generally I like all things fuzzy. I like fuzzy picture books of cats. Well, I like tattooing Braille text on the flesh of cats and then petting my cats and enjoying a good novel.
Do you have a crush on anybody? Did I masturbate last night—twice? Of course!
Do you like to sleep? I’m so terrified of sleep I often drool when slumbering.
What's something you always wanted? I’ve always wanted the desire to want.
Do you have hairy legs? Yes, I keep them with the body I have stuffed in a garbage bag in the garage.
How many fillings do you have? One every other night I go out to the gay bar.
Do you wear a lot of black? Yes, but you can’t see me in it because I only wear it at midnight, when I’m stealthily prowling under the neighbor’s bushes.
Have you ever hugged a tree? I’ve done a lot more than that if you know what I mean, wink wink.
Describe your hair: Flowing out of my forehead (I have to shave my forehead)
Ever won a spelling bee? Proudly been disqualified on many occasions.
Do you enjoy spending time with your mother (s)? Who added that (s) in there? Yes, both of my mother’s are great.
Do you like orange juice? Only when the main ingredient if Vodka.
What sign are you? Yield?
Unknown facts/secrets about yourself? I’m a one-man conspiracy theory
2. What are you wearing right now? A squirrel
4. Are you musically talented? I’m like Mozart would have been if he had no fingers.
5. If you could go back in time, and change one thing, what would it be? If you ask me tomorrow, I’d tell you I’d go back to today and change this one answer.
6. Are you best friends with a horse? No, just friends with benefits. -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo possesses more talent in his two pinkies than half the world combined. and that's why the Yakuza is so powerful, because they are in possession of his pinkies.
The only time the Mythical Mr. Boo shakes hands is when he's holding his penis at the urinal.
The Mythical Mr. Boo was at Jesus' next to the last supper. They ate fish.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is allergic to The Rolling stones. Poison Ivy makes him itch all over.
If The Mythical Mr. Boo was a lumberjack, he'd be disguised as an oak tree so that he could surprise and ambush his fellow forest friends. Sometimes he likes cutting his friends down.
If The Mythical Mr. Boo was a giant, he'd be too itty for Oscar Wilde. -Jarod Kintz
Random Blog Spams. Name: Maurice McFeces Comment: This article gave me gas. I'm farting up a storm trying to muddle through all of it. And today they are really stinky. Maybe I've got to go take a stinky poop. I would take a dump now, but The Mythical Mr. Boo is in the bathroom riding the white unicorn. Maybe I'll just pinch off the poo in a Tupperware bowl and leave it in the office microwave.(After I heat it up, of course!)Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. And I'll leave my wipings in Vanessa's purse.
Name: Robinson Crusoe Comment: I don't know, Friday, the last time I made you an omelette, you vomited in my cave and it stunk for weeks. I thought you were allergic to cheese, but now I just think you are allergic to slavery. Fortunately for you, Jarod Kintz has just shown up on the shores of this here island riding that toy horse of his. Maybe he and The Mythical Mr. Boo can take you away from me so I can be done with you. -Jarod Kintz
I don't believe trophies should jsut sit idly on shelves collecting dust. They should be allowed to breath, move about, shop, cook dinner. I mean, that is what a wife is for, right? -Jarod Kintz
1. What is your current relationship status? Like an individually wrapped piece of cheese, I’m single.
2. Honestly, does your crush like you back? My crush is still under the truck, and I’m not sure she has any feeling at the moment (at least not in her legs).
3. What makes you most happy? That warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach that comes from eating a squirrel.
4. Are you musically inclined? I’m musically reclined
5. If you could go back in time, and change something, what ? I don’t like how yesterday always comes before today. I’d change that.
6. If you had to be an animal for one day, what would you be? roadkill
7. Ever have a near death experience? Yes, I was very near to my twin, the one who “fell” off the cliff.
8. Name something you do a lot?
9. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
10. Who did you copy and paste this from and what do you think about this person? Sarah: I’m just taking a gander here, but she probably looks even better naked.
11. Name someone with the same b-day as you. My twin who was mysteriously pushed off a cliff when no one was looking.
12. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience? I sing really poor, but so was the audience (I gave a free concert at the homeless shelter)
13. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex? Lack of genitals
14. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows? Does porn count?
15. Do you have braces? On my false teeth, which I only wear when using my false voice.
16. what was the last thing you ate: An old guy named Bob, although I didn’t finish him. Thank God for Tupperware.
17. Name something funny that happened to you? Nothing funny ever happens to me. I have to make it up.
18. Do you speak any other languages? Only in pitches inaudible for the human ear.
19. What's your favorite smell? Old people. If I could grind up the elderly and snort them, I would. -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo dances like the rain in the dry season of the desert.
The Mythical Mr. Boo had his tear ducts relocated to his groin, so that every time he cries it looks like he's wet his pants. That way, instead of people feeling sad, they'll laugh thinking that he pissed himself.
The Mythical Mr. Boo had his tear ducts relocated to his groin, because the only time he cries is when he's standing in front of a urinal.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has many similarities with Jesus. They both have the same birthday, they can both walk on water (although The Mythical Mr. Boo has to wait until the middle of winter to do it), and both of them of millions of people who don't believe they really exist.
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't want to unzip the fabric of time, to go back to yesterday, yesteryear, or any year for that matter, because he'd rather not mess around with father Time's crotch. He'd much prefer grabbing a shovel and digging deep into Mother Nature's panties.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is a lot like Buddha, except The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't get as much credit for trying to achieve nothingness as Buddha does. Ignorant people just call The Mythical Mr. Boo lazy. But what they fail to realize, is that enlightenment can only come to those who are disciplined enough to continuously sit on the couch for weeks at a time, eating nothing but potato chips, twinkies, and anal lubrication. -Jarod Kintz
I tried to sell my guitar to a thief with no fingers. He wanted a five-finger discount.
When The Mythical Mr. Boo says open your legs, you make like butter and spread.
I met an honest banker once. He didn't keep my interest.
The Mythical Mr. Boo often feels like he's a goldfish freshly flushed down the commode. mostly the Men's Bathroom Attendant makes him feel that way.
The Mythical Mr. Boo enjoys trimming the hedges of his townhouse with tweezers big enough to pluck the eyebrows off Mt. Rushmore.
The Mythical Mr. Boo enjoys wearing fish flesh, or "sea scales," as he calls them, and tauntingly dancing in front of hungry kittens.
I have a binary outlook on height. 6'4" and above is tall, and anything under 6'3" is short. Everything I do is for the little people, because i do it for myself. -Jarod Kintz
I tried to sell my guitar to a thief with no fingers. He wanted a five-finger discount. I said "No way" as he tried to snatch it away from me with his elbows, but apparently he was deaf too so he didn't hear me. So I let him have it. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I just wish my 40-year-old neighbor would just go away. And I often find yself wanting to set up a 15-year-old boy's profile on Myspace and add a bunch of 14-year old girls as friends. Then flirt with them, and when there are suficient comments on the profile, change the boy's pics to those of my neighbor and change the age from 15 to 40. Then allert the authorities of the possible pedophile living next to me. -Jarod Kintz
Something red within 5 feet of you? Well there’s the body which I haven’t disposed of yet…wait a minute. How’d you know about that?
Your last bag of chips? Good point, I need to get some more.
The weirdest thing you've seen this week? I saw Elvis, and he was impersonating me.
Ever done the Electric Slide? Only when wet.
How much French do you know? A few random fries here and there.
Sparkly things? I’m like a fish, shiny things make me hungry. That’s why I often bite strange women’s wrists, fingers and necks. Oh, and their ears. I’m like Mike Tyson sometimes..
Do you look good in yellow? Yellow makes me look like a bird, which leads me to believe I can fly, which always ends up messy.
Do you sing? Like a bird, but only when I’m stuck in a cage which hasn’t happened since the last party I went to.
Do you dance? I do the Kansas City Shuffle with The Mythical Mr. Boo
Ever make fun of a homeless person? Me? Never
At what age do you want to get married? 97, and her daddy will probably make me marry her after I (we, I’ll need some help) get her pregnant.
Have you ever received a restraining order? They can’t hold me back
At what age do you want to have kids? 97
How many kids? Somewhere between three and four
Ketchup or Mustard? Yes, but only on my yellow shirt.
When is the last time someone deleted you from their Myspace friends list? 30 seconds ago
Ever eat Spam? Yes, I often print out the Spam from my inbox and eat it. Especially the food coupons, those are the most appetizing.
Have a crush on a teacher? Professor McDougal, but only when he wears those short skirts and pink thongs and lets me sneak a peek. Tee hee.
Have a girlfriend? Girlfriends are like pants to me. I used to have a pair, but I left them at some party I showed up at.
Have a boyfriend? Boyfriends are like those pants, I haven’t even thought about them.
One place you want to travel to? Although I’ve only been there once, I’d love to go back to a womb. It must have been really relaxing, because I spent nearly nine months there and got a hell of a lot of sleep.
If you could have anything right now what would it be? A burrito the size and shape of a camel, and I’d wear a cheese poncho. Then we’d ride off into the desert, as my poncho would melt, then I‘d consume my camel burrito. -Jarod Kintz
In three words, explain what ended your last relationship? like my penis--very, very short.
When was the last time you shaved your legs? The last time I snuck in the attic to try on Grandmother’s wedding dress. I guess that was last Thursday.
What were you doing this morning at 8 AM? Climbing down from a tree branch, but sadly I dropped my binoculars and lubrication into the street gutter.
What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Throwing large pebbles at Cecil’s window, but I kept hitting Carl who had taken my seat on my favorite tree branch (it has the best view).
Are you any good at math? So good I can’t even quantify how good I am in rational numbers. I can only describe it in irrational numbers (female numbers).
Your prom night? I gave my date the slip--pink slip (I paid someone to go with me).
Do you have any famous ancestors? Reginald the Destroyer. While most Saxons sacked stone castles, Reginald was famous for constructing elaborate sand castles and then burning them, thus turning them into glass. Then he’d smash them all to pieces. He was a rather ruthless man, and feared by many sea turtles.
Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school? I owe the U.S. Government .47 cents, but the way inflation is rising, I might owe those sons of bitches damn near half a dollar by the time I graduate.
Last thing received in the mail? My dead cat, Susan. Somebody burned her, but you can’t pet ashes, so I used those ashes in my new cat’s litter box. I felt Susan would have wanted it.
Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? I draw portraits in the sand. Mostly they are of the ever fierce Reginald, with his hollow eyes, and chinless mouth. And his rather beakish looking nose. He looks strangely like a seagull (there the only ones who will sit still long enough to be a model for him).
What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? I once had a hard to reach tooth pulled (it was located at just over 9 feet in the air, so I had to stand on my toes the whole time it was being pulled).
What is out your back door? A wormhole that leads to another dimension. I have a wheelchair ramp because Steven Hawking is the only one who really uses that door.
Any plans for tonight? Yes, but we’re still waiting on some of the equipment. Apparently nobody brought the gloves or the ski masks, so now the plans have to be altered slightly.
Do you like the ocean? Only if it’s Billy
Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas? I’m allergic to presents. Every year I get a stocking full of high fives.
Do you like somebody right now? No, I hate everyone. Now fuck off.
Are any of your great-grandparents still alive? Not if Mr. Boo had brought the gloves, and Renaldo had remembered the ski masks. I should have hired professionals.
Describe your keychain: long, limp and attached to my ball sack.
Where do you keep your change? In my pants in the freezer
When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? At the obesity meeting. It was a very large crowd.
What kind of winter coat do you have? A long one that exposes my genitals when pulled apart at appropriate times (when elderly women are looking). -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo is completely deaf in one of his ears. I think it's the middle one.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has only had his wallet stolen once, and that was when it was in the store and The Mythical Mr. Boo decided he had to have it. No he didn't steal his own wallet, because he never actually paid for it, it wasn't really even his.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has the eye sight of an eagle who’s trying to find his shadow on the wall of a pitch dark cave. The Mythical Mr. Boo is that shadow, and the dark cave is the underground that Mr. Boo moves so stealthily through.
The Mythical Mr. Boo wears glasses that he always keeps filled to the top with vodka.
The Mythical Mr. Boo won't arm wrestle anyone, unless that arm is attached to a torso with legs.
The Mythical Mr. Boo often wonders how what some people won't pay for in tuition, life seems to provide them with all the intuition they need. -Jarod Kintz
If I could fly at the speed of sound, I’d put on a chicken suit before taking to flight, because then I’d be the fastest, most delicious meal known to man.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has a magnetic personality, and he may be coming to a fridge near you soon.
The Mythical Mr. Boo never washes anything in the dishwasher, after nearly losing a finger in there two years ago. That’s because the Mythical Mr. Boo doesn’t eat with silverware, he eats with his fingers. So now he hand washes his own dishes, which happen to be his hands. So essentially it’s the same thing as dishes washing dishes, which is kind of a cool concept.
The Mythical Mr. Boo was being recruited by the University of Florida basketball team. But The Mythical Mr. Boo decided to forego what would have been a legendary career as a towel boy because The Mythical Mr. Boo believes that towels are being oppressed, and he’s tired of basketball players so callously using them.
The Mythical Mr. Boo just got engaged to a beautiful towel that he met on the beach in Ponte Vedra. But she still won’t shower with him. -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo used to want to be a writer, until that tragic day his doctor informed him that he was severely allergic to the written word. And indeed, most of America is allergic to the written word today. That's why nobody reads or writes anymore. If this paragraph makes you feel woozy, nauseous, or you start sweating uncontrollably, I advise you to stop reading immediately and go directly to a hospital. -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo never says no to sex. He just says, "tomorrow." And The Mythical Mr. Boo only dates women who have less than 24 hours to live.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is known to keep his relationships fresh. He keeps his ex girlfriends in Tupperware containers in a freezer in the attic, where The Tupperware Lady sleeps.
There is no proof that The Mythical Mr. Boo is Bigfoot, other than a few footprints, and some grainy home video footage. -Jarod Kintz
I once dreamt that I was a shoe and somebody pissed all over me in the bathroom, and I loved every minute of it (it was a really long pee). -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn’t listen to music, because music leads to dancing, dancing leads to sex, and sex leads to pregnancy, which leads to abortions. And The Mythical Mr. Boo has already slaughtered enough babies as it is. -Jarod Kintz
Struggling Author: I got so drunk last night that I ended up jacking off all over my manuscript! It took me nearly four months to write that page, too. -Jarod Kintz
The Door-to-door vacuum salesman: The Mythical Mr. Boo thinks The Door-to-door vacuum salesman is just a dirtbag full of hot air. Although I've never met him, I'm sure he thinks that. Everybody does. -Jarod Kintz
When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was your first thought? Why do I have a patch of pubic hair growing out of my forehead?
When's the next time you will have sex? Not until I meet the right girl. I’ll tell you what I’m looking for. Her left leg should be several inches shorter than her right leg, which is supported by a metal brace. Then,, on our first date, we shall venture to the top of a pine tree in the middle of a thunderstorm, and wait for the electricity between us to begin.
What's a word that rhymes with "DUCK"? Schmuck, like the guy who wrote this question.
Favorite planet? Pluto, circa 2005
What do you think about the person who took this survey She has fantastic eyes!
If you're in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on? The middle one. Duh!
How do you like your eggs? Fast. Usually traveling at about 50 M.P.H at a passing car.
Who told you he/she loved you last? Well that he/she you are referring to has a name. And shis name is Kris.
Last furry thing you touched? Tee hee. Wouldn’t you like to know! Actually it was my forehead.
Favorite age you have been so far? -3 months was a great age for me.
Your worst enemy? Captain Spandex and the Gonad Goons. I save this planet on a nightly basis, and do I ever get a thank you? No!
What is your current desktop picture? A picture of my future children’s father. He’s such a wonderful individual.
What was the last thing you said to someone? Stop yelling at me! I didn’t mean to kill your parents…
If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly? I’d take to flight, just to know the feeling of pleasure it would bring me to be able to shit on somebody’s car.
If the last person you spoke to was getting shot, what would you do? Look around to see if anybody saw me. And if they did, I’d shoot them too.
If you could punch 1 person in the face , who would it be? I couldn’t imagine punching anybody in the face. Ever. Normally I elbow people in the face. And I punch them in their kidneys.
What is the closest object to your left foot? My penis. Sometimes I get carpet burn on my balls as they drag along the carpet. -Jarod Kintz
It’s never a good idea to staple Zimbabwean dollars together and burn them, because staples, while almost worthless, still have intrinsic value.
Science has just invented the Robert Mugabe Anatomic Readjuster, so one’s cranium can now be relocated deep within one’s own anal cavity--as history will show that’s where Robert Mugabe did some of his deepest thinking on national policy.
She must have whispered “I love you” a thousand times after we’d make love before I finally said those three little words I knew she was dying to hear: “I’m hungry, bitch.”
My ex girlfriend had an outrageous sex drive. Fourteen miles, round trip.
My ex girlfriend always wanted to have sex on the stairs, but I always preferred the escalator just so I didn’t have to do any work.
Sometimes I wish I were a tomato, rolling along a treadmill, or conveyer belt at a supermarket, because tomatoes are healthy, and I need to get more exorcize.
I’ve had sex everywhere from underneath tables to on top of forts, underneath blue skies to the very top of my bunk bed, basically everywhere except under my bed, because I don’t sleep with monsters. Well, not since my last girlfriend. -Jarod Kintz
155 Comments:
this is very deep. Is there religious symbolism in this?
Yes! As Piet Hein once said, "...everything is either concave or convex -- therefore everything is about sex!"
Great cartoon. I love the colors, it really makes the drawing pop!
Jesse
Beautiful drawing and reasoning. I love the saying. It is very deep and the colors are pleasing.
Denise
Great symbolism and wonderful concept. A very intresting comic.
Truly bizarre. this comic makes me thirsty.
This is a deeply moving drawing. To me it represents God. He is the tree of life. And the footsteps are from the son(sun) to the father (the tree). Through the son we are led to the father.
-Orafoura
Beautiful drawing. It is very calming while also being vibrant.
This cartoon is very surreal. The smooth lines are pleasing. LIke my ass.
Beyonce
I love cruising along in the fast lane. Going slow and pissing off all the divers behind me. Sometimes I might feel pressured to switch it up to a higher gear. But I usually don't like doing that, especially if I'm pedaling into a headwind.
-Jarod Kintz
They say TVs and computers are going to be merged in the near future. GREAT! THat's all I need-thirty second commercials interrupting a thirty second porn clip.
-Jarod Kintz
I was lost once, so I asked a tree for directions. He wasn't much help. So I made him into my new coffee table.
Making love to my boyfriend is like an avalanche. Earth shattering and all over the place.
I used to want to be a window washer for a large public relations firm. Then I realized I couldn't because I'm afraid of hypes.
-Jarod Kintz
I sometimes wish I wore underwear instead of boxers. Boxers get too hot and sweaty. But they really piss me off when they take off their gloves and knock my balls like a punching bag.
-Jarod Kintz
I like taking souvenirs from places I visit. Last year in Rome I stuffed the coliseum in my suitcase. Although I did get stopped at customs and busted for smuggling grapes in my pants.
-Jarod Kintz
Being a peanut is not all it is cracked up to be.
lauren Zimpel
I hate stepping on people's toes, especially if they are walking on their hands.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate working under my boss, especially when he wears his mini skirts.
-Jarod Kintz
Working in the corporate pyramid structure you truly realize life's not Pharoah.
-Jarod Kintz
California has the newest trend in desserts. Sili-Cones.
Lauren Zimpel
Having sex before marriage is like using make-up, then returning it. The gloss is a little smeared and there will always be a little blush on the surface.
Lauren Zimpel
People always say that I talk out of my ass. I wonder if that's why they are always giving me breath mints?
What did the music artist say to the other music artist when he was showing off his new shoes? CD'S!
Lauren Zimpel
I agree on the underwear thing. Plus boxers have a bit of bite to them.
Lauren
What abut my horns asked the swimming rhinocsaurus? Just blow, fish!
Time is a shoe, and should not be measured in years, but in feet.
-Jarod Kintz
If time is a shoe and measured in feet than time lost can be found in the basket next to the front door of heaven.
Lauren Zimpel
Time is a shoe because it is always running, and yes lost time can be found in baskets, right next to the sandwiches.
-Jarod Kintz
Time and sandwiches do go together don't they. Especially the ones in a vending machine. They are the epitome of eternity.
Lauren Zimpel
I think people sould be able to laugh during sex. That's why I sleep with clowns. Plus they have big feet.
-Jarod Kintz
I tried drawing a picture of Jay Leno. It came out looking like an exact portrait of my mother. And she was crying, because she thinks she looks more like Conan O'Brian. So I tried drawing Conan, but it came out looking like my father, who is a bastard, so I erased him. This made mother cry even harder. Then I pissed all over my poor drawings, and it looked like Carson Daily.
-Jarod Kintz
I grew up listening to Barry Mannilow and Gwuar. Both put me in the mood to kill, altough I do like making love listening to Gwuar.
-Jarod Kintz
In my last relaitionship I got burned, really bad. It seasoned me for the road ahead though. I should probably stop dating skillets.
LZ
The Monostary
The religious man had a squirrel of a body, and seeing him on his knees was like watching a chipmunk pray to God in a monostary.
-Jarod Kintz
I once had sex from behind in the front of a plane, in the cockpit. It was airplanal sex. I earned my wings that day. The pilot's name was Anna, it was just Annal sex.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is like popcorn: they both take three minutes, and they both enhance any movie.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't wish death on anybody because wishing is too passive, sometimes action is needed.
-Jarod Kintz
I always used to have sex on my mind, but I found a bed was much more comfortable.
-Jarod Kintz
I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. I wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish I could bottle up sex. Then I would chug it, and when I'd pee it would be the most satisfying feeling known to man.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex knows no race, only the pace.
-Jarod Kintz
I rub off sex appeal everytime I masturbate.
-Jarod Kintz
The way they move their fingers, fast like a tongue, must make talking about sex with a deaf man much more erotic to a female.
-Jarod Kintz
Love stings. So does sleeping with a scorpion. Although only one will guaranteed kill you, the other makes you wonder how a scorpion got into your bed.
-Jarod Kintz
Empty words used to get oral sex make for a mouthful of fun.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to start a discount retailer called Mass Gask. It will be the first defense against the poisenous clientelle of Wal Mart. The ailes wil be the width of a shopping cart and only flow in one direction. This makes idle time and ailse clogging from obese people obsolete.
-Jarod Kintz
If an executive for a glass company commits suicide by throwing himself out of his 20th story office window, does the company get a tax write off replacing the window? At least they will get it replaced at cost and not retail.
-Jarod Kintz
When I am running late in the morning I like to shove myself in the washing machine. I get a shower and laundry done in one bulk of time. Sometimes I also stack my wallet full of cash and launder my money too.
-Jarod Kintz
I eat my soup with a shovel and my spaggetti with a hammer. But then again, I live in a tree fort I built in my neighbor's yard.
-Jarod Kintz
Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.
-Jarod Kintz
If there were a shower that dispensed wisdom, and I was scrubbing myself with insight, I would stil enjoy peeing down my leg as I belt out moronic pop songs from the radio.
-Jarod Kintz
I'll endure great inconviences for my friends, but only after I know they've asked all our other friends for assistance first.
-Jarod Kintz
It's easy to lose friends when you hang out with little people.
-Jarod Kintz
Friends are like change. If you've got them in your pocket, it's easy to lose them.
-Jarod Kintz
If I were to line up all my friends head to toe, in a strait line, they would stretch way back to my childhood. And by they I mean he.
-Jarod Kintz
A rapper is a man who fits his rhymes to a beat, like shoes to his feet. And literarily speaking, they are not that big of shoes to fill. Maybe size two, in womens.
-Jarod Kintz
A rapper is a man who makes obvious rhymes like one fish, two fish, and tries to speak the truf-ish.
-Jarod Kintz
A lawyer who works within the shadows of the law is like a cockroach, and better off to society if he is exterminated.
-Jarod Kintz
Last week I had the president of a credit card company over for dinner. He got to sit in the chair that plugs in to the wall. Our conversation was electric, and I'm sure he got the biggest charge of his life.
-Jarod Kintz
Like the waves in the ocean, life is overlapping. Though the currents may change down through the generations, the overall pull of humanity will remain the same.
-Jarod Kintz
Tom Granner sells used fast food grease as an alternative energy. His slogan: The Grease is always Granner, and the air is always cleaner.
-Jarod Kintz
When I'm dead, if someone should ask how long I was alive, you tell them 75 inches.
-Jarod Kintz
If you ask any of my ex girlfriends how I was in bed, they'll tell you I didn't moan or drool a lot, but that I did steal the covers.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is like fishing. Sometimes they go for the lines, sometimes they don't.
-Jarod Kintz
Sobriety is a good thing. In nearly four years, there hasn't been a night that I was drunk. I guess I have built up a tolerance.
-Jarod Kintz
In the past several months, there hasn't been a night that I've had a drink. Every night I have several.
-Jarod Kintz
In high school, the most popular kid was Sid Larson. My friend Reggie was voted the gayest kid and most likely to suck Sid.
-Jarod Kintz
The problem with money is you can print more. The problem with bartering with sheep is you can clone more. But they can't clone overpriced land, or the fools that buy it.
-Jarod Kintz
Finger food always makes me sick. But I suppose it's better than eating someone's toes.
-Jarod Kintz
I had a pretty supportive girlfriend when I was battling alcoholism. She used to hold me steady when I was too shitfaced to stand.
-Jarod Kintz
Is fear something tangible, concrete? Not always, but you still want to chop through it like a black belt.
-Jarod Kintz
Over time, sex can become boring between two people, still, it's about twice as exciting as doing it by yourself.
-Jarod Kintz
When making love, you can really set the mood with ambient lighting. My girlfriend likes candles, while I prefer the headlights on the interstate.
-Jarod Kintz
Never sleep with a girl you can't take home to mother. if you don't have a mother, never sleep with a girl you can't take home to father. If you don't have a father either, never sleep with a girl you can't take home. If you don't have a home, you probably couldn't take her home even if you had one.
-Jarod Kintz
Never trust a man with four dollars in his wallet along with three fingers, two ears, and an empty comdom wrapper.
-Jarod Kintz
Boyfriends are like cheese sandwiches. If you don't grill them, they might sleep around, and then it makes them harder to eat them.
-Jarod Kintz
Just because you are an introvert and live in a cave, doesn't mean you have to hybernate and fish with your hands.
-Jarod Kintz
I sold my best friend into slavery last week, and now I have nobody to talk to. But my girlfriend is happy now that I've stopped talking to myself.
-Jarod Kintz
I believe Americans have a responsibility to vote for what is right. But politics are a bit confusing, so they should have three boxes on the ballots, one for right, one for wrong, and one for I don't know how to read English and by checking this box I don't understand I am consenting that I will be deported to my native country effective imediately.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to want to pick oranges, but I didn't get the job because I'm colorblind. That plus he asked me if I was more of an apple guy or an orange guy, and I asked if he was insinuating that I was a homosexual, and if he was that I wouldn't go down on him just to get the job (which I did), but still I didn't get the job.
-Jarod Kintz
He had a dick like oatmeal. Literally, you could eat it with a spoon.
-Jarod Kintz
A joke has a way of surrounding the teller. It's better to be the butt of the joke than the tiny dick telling it.
-Jarod Kintz
Life is dirt. You get as mulch as you put on top of it.
-Jarod Kintz
Never assume your friends are going to be there for you, not unless there's free food and an open bar.
-Jarod Kintz
Never kick a man while he's down. Do it while he's falling.
-Jarod Kintz
If you dream in black and white, and you are half asleep, are you dreaming in gray?
-Jarod Kintz
Imagination is the mind's paint. Don't let it thin with your hair.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to hold everyone responsible, while my friends beat the shit out of them.
-Jarod Kintz
=If I were to adopt, I'd do it right. You know, a 16-year-old girl get's pregnant and has a cute girl.
=Why would you adopt a 16-year-old girl when you could just adopt her baby?
-Jarod Kintz
=I don't want children I want to skip right over and have grandchildren.
=So I guess you'd better start sleeping with elderly people then.
-Jarod Kintz
Today, the internet has replaced books and magazines. But why buy boooks and magazines when the porn is free online?
-Jarod Kintz
I want to own a sex factory where all we make is love. I'd make it out of rubber and mark the price up a thousand percent.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd rather be an empty man with a full bottle of vodka, than a man with two cheese sandwiches in his pocket and shoes made from alabaster.
-Jarod Kintz
The dairy of Ann Frankencheese
-Jarod Kintz
One man's cave is another man's fortress. The echo of success is unique to each voice.
-Jarod KIntz
I looked up my family tree and found my mom had planted it in my neighbor's yard with my neighbor's husband.
-Jarod Kintz
It's good to put your children first, especially in a gangbang.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is the Porche of leisurely activities, it just doesn't cost as much, but is equally as dangerous when under the influence of alcohol.
-Jarod Kintz
Life has a funny way of ripping out your pubic hair through your nostrils.
-Jarod Kintz
Life has a funny way of squeezing a man's budget through his balls and leaving both him and his balls blue, as his wallet is empty of green.
-Jarod Kintz
Life has a way of eating your last piece of pizza you paid for with a coupon you clipped from your neighbor's newspaper. And by life, I mean Chris, your friend who has been sleeping on your sofa for weeks and urinating in your ice cube trey as he complains that I need to wash my girlfriend's panties, because he is running out of underwear.
-Jarod Kintz
If you're going to steal a man's wallet, do it while it's in the pants he's wearing. And take the pants with everything in them, (wallet, keys, cell phone, his legs)so that he can neither give chase, nor call for help.
-Jarod Kintz
God gave man many talents. In the same way you can't use underwear as socks, you also can't misuse the gifts God has given to you. Although it's been a long time since God has given me either socks or underwear, I get the most use out of them by wearing them for weeks on end. Oh, and he also doesn't like it when you wash the colors with the whites, nor fail to read the labels before throwing them in the dryer.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm a recovering sodomite, and I have devoted my life to helping handicapped children end their lives.-A leprechaun
-Jarod Kintz
The only time it's ok to clone ten thousand people and stuff them all into a briefcase is when you're talking about Ben Franklin, baby.
If you ask Edison how many slightly deaf inventors it takes to screw in a light bulb he might respond, YOu wouldn't have a light bulb to screw in if it weren't for me. I should have made it run off of fragrances. rather than electricity, that way you could screw it up your ass!
Brad's Pitt: Fortunately I look better than I smell.
Freedom of speech impediments: "Lady Lisperty hath, in all her withdom, granted me thith freedom, ath well ath the right to purthue happineth.
I kidnapped a car salesman. What, it's not like I stole him. He wasn't new, he was used.
If there were a decibel level Olympics, silence might be golden, but noise would surely take the silver. And silence would have no national anthem playing up on the podium either.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm not into kidnapping, but only because I can't sleep on those tiny green cots.
-Jarod Kintz
I ran into a midget priest the other day and boy are my knees swollen!
-Jarod Kintz
Have I got a deal for you. Just look at this beast of a car I have on my profile. Cobalt blue, at least I think it's Cobalt. I'm color blind, so what do I know? I'll tell you what I do know, is this is a heck of a car, at a heck of a price. Plush cotton seating that has conviniently already been broken in, just like the car has been on several occasions. Criminals have great taste. I should know. And because I got this at the police impound, you know you're dealing with a fine piece of machinery. This engine screams luxury. Well, it just screams. Maybe it's thirsty for oil. Who knows these things? I'm no mechanic, I'm just a guy with a keen eye for value.
-Jarod Kintz
I like urinating in the back seats of every car I sell. It's just sort of a macho hobby thing I do. It makes me smile knowing that whenever I sell a car to a teenage kid, that he's going to be having sex on the very seat I pissed on.
-Jarod Kintz
I try to discourage my customers to avoid listening to music. Mostly I say this because the beaters I sell either have no radio, because it got stolen, or it's a busted radio, because they don't respond too well to getting urinated on.
-Jarod Kintz
Man is the queen of all animals. The king of all animals is woman. This is half true half the time. Reverse it and it becomes 100% true half the time.
Never trust a man you can't throw more than 40 yards. That's why I only trust men shaped like footballs.
Just because an old person has a soccer ball for a head doesn't mean you can kick them in the face. There are penalties for doing things like that.
There is never enough time or money in the world. Unfortunately, as of now, the government can only print off more of one of those resources. Too bad it devalues the least valuable of the two.
I like to hold conversations in formation. That way no one speaks out of line.
My room mate prefers short conversations, while I prefer lanky ones. Conversations with me are like 1-on-1 basketball: I never assist, and I always try to block out the other guy.
-Jarod Kintz
Be weary of farmers on unicycles, they are usually very unstable.
-Jarod Kintz
The leaves are changing, just like we are--
Some of the leaves are as yellow as a fire hydrant,
And the sky as blue as a field of Topaz.
My hand is open like a book,
And there are scribbles from a pen,
Black ink that is half doodle, half confession,
But instead of confronting the text,
I bunch my fist and refuse to recognize
The reality within the message inscribed
In my palm. So I bend down to pick
Up some dead leaves Lying on the ground
Like past memories of us. I crush the
Leaves in my hand and then scatter
Them in the pond, as I try to sink
The thought of you like a Sweet Duck Bird.
-Jarod Kintz
If sex appeal were sweat, I’d want to be Shaquille O’neill’s armpits.
In most unhealthy relationships, one person is like a forest, while the other person is like a lumberjack, always trying to cut the other person down.
A wrinkled member in society maybe a rather hard little fellow behind closed doors.
A wrinkled member in society needs not extend himself to draw attention to himself.
The baby rabbit says to himself, “I want a baby carrot.” and the baby cannibal says to himself, “I want to eat a fetus.” I’d recommend both in the can.
It doesn’t matter whether you want to eat Vienna Sausages, or raw human excrement, both are better in the can.
Two cans of Campbell’s soup are in a relationship. One day, after buying a new outfit, the woman can asks the man can, “Does this skirt make me look fat?” Without looking up the man Campbell’s soup can replies, “Maybe just a little bit chunky.” The moral of the story is, Don’t date cans of chunky soup. It’s ok to get one or two of them in the sack, but one too many and everything will break out from under you.
Her panties stank like Feta cheese, but I ate them anyway. I ate them with a cracker, a Ritz, imagining them doing the splits.
-Jarod Kintz
I noticed how on the back of Tylenol bottles it says Keep out of reach of children. So everytime my sister's retarded son comes over, I always place the tylenol bottle in the trophy cabinet where his diploma would have gone.
I got my wisdom teeth pulled out last week, and my mouth still feels foolish.
If girlfriend's were fonts, you wouldn't be my type.
If gettig married were a fountain drink, it'd be a suicide.
If the Fountain of youth were a fountain drink machine, I'd enjoy a suicide.
Love stinks when you fall for a pile of poop.
I've got to take a shit the size of New Jersey, but it won't stink nearly as bad.
-Jarod Kintz
You have such firm, ample, luscious pillows there. Your pillows make me drool.
-Jarod Kintz
Marriage is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of suicide.
1. Cigarettes: scapegoat (see blog)
2. Relationships: should be like eggs--over easy
3. Your Last Ex: had sexy green eyes and looked fantastic naked!
4. Power Rangers: make wearing tights look so glorious
5. Marijuana: I forgot what my response for this one was
6. Crack: only on a woman's ass
7. Food: As a contrarian I like to do the opposite of what the masses do. And the masses eat, so I have sworn off food. I'll be a contrarian til I die...which should be in a few days here.
8. The President: me in 2008!
9. War: is an artform, yet I am the only person who would dream of showing up in battle armed with a canvas and a paintbrush.
10. Cars: so last century
11. Gas Prices: made me seek alternate forms of transportation (I'm currently looking into shower camels, who subsist not on water, but on morning urine)
12. Halloween: hurling candy at llittle children
13. Bon Jovi: beautiful hair
14. Religion: Jesus
16. MySpace: socially acceptable substance abuse
17. Worst Fear: my worst fear is the worst
18. Marriage: socially acceptable suicide
19. Fashion: nakedness, coupled with a high and tight mullet is coming back in 07!
20. Brunettes: hot
21. Redheads: Steve
22: Work: highly overrated
23: Pass the time: staring at the wall waiting for my erection to pass
24. One night stands: night stands should come in pairs, one for each side of the bed.
25: Cell Phone: when on vibrate, doubles as a vibrator. THat's why I'm always talking like I have my head up my ass.
26: Pet Peeves: no, I don't have a pet named Peeves. It's Mr. Peeves.
27: Pixie Stix: fairy sheesh-ka-bobs
28: Vanilla Ice cream: If I had ice cream for brains, and I married a conehead, my children would be the perfect summer dream!
29: Porta Potties: pushh overs
30: High school: 4-year nap
31: Pajamas: best worn by someone other than me
32. Wood: just supressed mine
33. Surfers: like to wave
34. Pictures: America is soulless and unGodly today because pictures, just like the Africans believed, have robbed us of our spirits. Burn all the naked pictures! Better yet, send them to me and I'll do it.
35. First "True" Love? What is the essence of truth? Perhaps it's just a version of falsehood. This question is too metaphysical for a quick answer. For a more essay style answer that prompts the nature of natures within the core being of our existence, send me an email and I'll send you the 70 page mainfesto I just composed on the subject yesterday.
-Jarod Kintz
I think it takes a lot more than washboard abs to be funny. I mean, look at Chris Farley
-Jarod Kintz
1. How tall are you barefoot? Barely an inch shorter than I am with shoes on
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? not in the last couple of minutes, no
3. Do you own a gun? I own a bullet, but I rent the gun
4. Who's your best friend? The guy i nought the bullet from. Well there were actually two guys who sold me bullets, but now there's only one guy and one bullet.
5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"? That's silly. I met them when I was born, why would I have been nervous. In fact, I can hardly even remember what they said to me.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I think that sometimes I want to dress up as a hot dog bun, along with nine other gys to make a package of buns, and invite over 8 girls who are dressed up like hot dogs. Then I'll stand in the corner with another lonely bun guy and pout at being left out.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? scrambled egg milkshake
9. Do you do push-ups? I do like every other one
10. Have you ever done exstasy? What, in the last few minutes?
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? The bracelet that was stolen off my arm, without the bracelet ever coming off my arm. Now I can only do one arm push ups.
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
my binary anal defribulator
14. Do you own a knife?
no, I rent
15. Do you have A.D.D.?
Sometimes I feel that I have A.D.D. but then othertimes...I'm sorry, what was the question again. Oh look, what is that thing?
16. Middle Name?
I was tragically born with just an initial
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
first thought, leading to this thought, which is kind of empty like my stomach.
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought today or yesterday:
I bought a condo for lunch, some lubrication for desert, and some anal beads for dinner
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.
water, persiration, saliva
20. What time did you wake up today?
five minutes before my alarm went off
22. Current worry?
I'm constantly worrying if I worry too much. I'm a metaworrier
23. Current hate?
I hate hateful things
24. Favorite place to be? in the moment
25. Least favorite place to be? trapped in the last moment
26. Where would you like to go? I like to go in the bushes
27. Do you own slippers? too slippery for me. I once owned a pair of slippers that were nothing more than two banana peels wrapped around my ankles.
28. What shirt are you wearing? My invisible shirt, the one that shows off my nipples
29. Do you burn or tan? If it's a big enough bonfire, yeah I'll burn
30. Favorite color(s)? Like a dog, I'm colorblind. But I do have an excellent sense of where to urinate in the neighbor's yard.
31. Would you be a pirate? How do you think I get my money now?
32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink? the last time I drank Orange juice
33. What songs do you sing in the shower? Pump up the jam
34. What did you fear as you were going to bed at night?
35. What's in your pockets right now? My hand that's rubbing up and down on the thing that's beneath my pocket
36. Last thing that made you laugh? looking at the thing beneath my pocket, the same thing I am rubbing now
38. Worst injury you've ever had? One time I rubbed the skin completely off the thing that's beneath my pocket, the one that I am rubbing now
41. Who is your loudest friend? My friend Gaphy. His mouth is shaped like a megaphone, his voice is like thunder, and his eyes are as dull as lightning. He's also a mime vantriloquist, so when we are together he makes hand gestures and people think I'm making them. Like one time, he made it looked like my hands were rubbing my crotch, when they totally weren't. I swear they weren't.
42. Who is your most silent friend? I know a mime with no arms. He just kind of mopes around.
43. Does someone have a crush on you? of course...i just don't have any idea who it is.
44. Do you wish on shooting stars? I would never want to shoot a star. Well, maybe a few, like Gilbert Godfreid.
45. What is your favorite book? mine, sillly. and the Bible--no joke
46. What is your favorite candy? anything a stranger is offering
47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding? U2, ONE
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? U2, I still haven't found what I'm looking for
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? I'll tell you what I was NOT doing. I was not peeking into my neighbor's bedroom and trying to watch them have sex, that's most certainly what I wasn't doing. Why do you ask? What'd you hear?
50. What was the First thing you thought of when you woke up? Is this a continuation of my dream?
-Jarod Kintz
I’ll feel most alone
When I’m fully enlightened--
Nobody will be there
To understand,
Not even my shadow.
Sometimes the “voice” in my head, my internal dialogue, is female. Whenever this happens I laugh in my mind, a big manly laugh, and I tell the female voice to go wash the dishes that are scatologically soaking in the sink of my filthy imagination.
“Release My Fear”
If I were a shark,
I’d never be constipated,
Because I’d just look
In the mirror
And instantly shit myself
-Jarod Kintz
I’ll feel most alone
When I’m fully enlightened--
Nobody will be there
To understand,
Not even my shadow.
Sometimes the “voice” in my head, my internal dialogue, is female. Whenever this happens I laugh in my mind, a big manly laugh, and I tell the female voice to go wash the dishes that are scatologically soaking in the sink of my filthy imagination.
“Release My Fear”
If I were a shark,
I’d never be constipated,
Because I’d just look
In the mirror
And instantly shit myself
-Jarod Kintz
The Dharma Bums is like a nickel, and society of the fifties was like an interstate. The Dharma Bums created a certain kind of friction like Kerouac was rubbing his nickel of a novel on the road. Maybe friction is too concrete of a word. Perhaps perverseness is a better word choice. It was perverse in the context of going against what was the expected outlook of the fifties.
I hate fake girls. Especially the ones with prosthetic appendages.
If Mother Nature and Father Time had a lovechild, would that child be a sundial?
-Jarod Kintz
My balls are too shrivelled to do much but roll them in my fingers and dream of raisins.
-Jarod Kintz
A man who seemingly has an answer for everything questions everything.
I can never seem to hold my liquer, I always end up spilling it all down my throat.
-Jarod Kintz
words are a lot more fun to play with, and less painful, than dildos, that's for sure.
-Jarod Kintz
Q1) When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in then start the water? Everyday is a golden new day, starting with my showers. And those don’t start until my camel is good and ready to let it flow.
Q2) Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle? Read them? I wrote the label on my shampoo bottle. I wrote it in Arabic, and tattooed it on the scrotum of my camel.
Q3) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the Herbal Essences commercial? Only when my camel, Abu, gets frisky and inserts his “hose” in my anal cavity, although no dentist has been there for a few months.
Q4) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex? Nope. Just me, Mr. Boo and Abu.
Q5) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings? Abu wouldn’t abide by that.
Q6) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower? I’ve explored many a deep cavity in the shower.
Q7) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot? Yeah, but the soap was lodged deep in my ass, so it made for a really awkward photo (Mr. Boo snapped it of when I wasn’t looking)
Q8) How old do you look? I don’t start looking until they are 18, thank you very much.
Q9) How old do you act? I’m a terrible actor. I’m a much better actress.
Q10) Whats the last song you sang? I’ll make love to Abu, by Boys to Camels (That song makes me want to hump)
Q11) Have you recently become a member of anything? I became a member of the memory club I think, I can’t remember if I’m a member or not.
Q12) What are your plans for the weekend? I’m taking this girl out. I think I’ll use a Sig Sauer.
Q13) Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed? I kiss with my lips.
Q14) Whats the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice? She’s not my type of camel
Q15) Does anything on your body itch right now? The bottom of my foot, so let me take a moment to scratch my ass.
Q16) Who's the sexiest famous woman alive? Why does she have to be famous? I would have answered if you didn’t say famous.
Q17) Who's the sexiest famous man alive? Toss up between Brad Pitt, Paul walker, and Mathew McCaughney
Q18) Does every family have a crazy uncle? Unless you’re an orphan
Q19) Have you ever smuggled something into America? I smuggled some customs through customs, but then I decided I preferred my native customs so I abandoned my foreign, heathen ways.
Q20) Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive? Are they playing it with their legs spread?
Q21) Do you live in a city with a good sports team? Yeah, and the morons that go with having such a team.
Q22) Have you ever finished off the popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom of the bag? Depends what that “junk” is.
Q23) Have you ever had sex in a tent? I’ve licked a few gonads of a few nomads.
Q24) What about in a boat? If this boats a rocking, I’m probably in the corner vomiting everywhere.
Q25) Have you ever dated a Goth? A Visigoth? I hear they are good in the sack…ing of Rome.
Q26) Would you rather receive amazing oral sex or have amazing sex? As long as I cum I’m cool with it.
Q27) Can you fix your own car? Abu never breaks down.
-Jarod Kintz
What side of the heart do you draw first?
The back…I start with the knife that’s deeply lodged in.
Can you dive without blocking your nose? Usually I dive with my legs, it hurts too much to use my nose to spring off the board.
What color is your razor? Flesh colored. The only way I can see it is from the trail of blood.
What was for dinner last night? I had empty calories. I ate a box.
What’s your favorite number? My favorite number would have to be the 145,987,273,023th place of pi.
Have you ever changed the wording in a question / added a question to a survey you didn’t create? No (See next question)
Have you ever lied about any of these questions? No (See previous question)
What’s your favorite kind of gum? The kind that I just found under the seat here at the UF computer lab.
Do you like to read? I like fuzzy picture books, and generally I like all things fuzzy. I like fuzzy picture books of cats. Well, I like tattooing Braille text on the flesh of cats and then petting my cats and enjoying a good novel.
Do you have a crush on anybody? Did I masturbate last night—twice? Of course!
Do you like to sleep? I’m so terrified of sleep I often drool when slumbering.
What's something you always wanted? I’ve always wanted the desire to want.
Do you have hairy legs? Yes, I keep them with the body I have stuffed in a garbage bag in the garage.
How many fillings do you have? One every other night I go out to the gay bar.
Do you wear a lot of black? Yes, but you can’t see me in it because I only wear it at midnight, when I’m stealthily prowling under the neighbor’s bushes.
Have you ever hugged a tree? I’ve done a lot more than that if you know what I mean, wink wink.
Describe your hair: Flowing out of my forehead (I have to shave my forehead)
Ever won a spelling bee? Proudly been disqualified on many occasions.
Do you enjoy spending time with your mother (s)? Who added that (s) in there? Yes, both of my mother’s are great.
Do you like orange juice? Only when the main ingredient if Vodka.
What sign are you? Yield?
Unknown facts/secrets about yourself? I’m a one-man conspiracy theory
2. What are you wearing right now? A squirrel
4. Are you musically talented? I’m like Mozart would have been if he had no fingers.
5. If you could go back in time, and change one thing, what would it be? If you ask me tomorrow, I’d tell you I’d go back to today and change this one answer.
6. Are you best friends with a horse? No, just friends with benefits.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo possesses more talent in his two pinkies than half the world combined. and that's why the Yakuza is so powerful, because they are in possession of his pinkies.
The only time the Mythical Mr. Boo shakes hands is when he's holding his penis at the urinal.
The Mythical Mr. Boo was at Jesus' next to the last supper. They ate fish.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is allergic to The Rolling stones. Poison Ivy makes him itch all over.
If The Mythical Mr. Boo was a lumberjack, he'd be disguised as an oak tree so that he could surprise and ambush his fellow forest friends. Sometimes he likes cutting his friends down.
If The Mythical Mr. Boo was a giant, he'd be too itty for Oscar Wilde.
-Jarod Kintz
For me, sex is like life. Laid back is how I like it.
-Jarod Kintz
Random Blog Spams. Name: Maurice McFeces Comment: This article gave me gas. I'm farting up a storm trying to muddle through all of it. And today they are really stinky. Maybe I've got to go take a stinky poop. I would take a dump now, but The Mythical Mr. Boo is in the bathroom riding the white unicorn. Maybe I'll just pinch off the poo in a Tupperware bowl and leave it in the office microwave.(After I heat it up, of course!)Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. And I'll leave my wipings in Vanessa's purse.
Name: Robinson Crusoe Comment: I don't know, Friday, the last time I made you an omelette, you vomited in my cave and it stunk for weeks. I thought you were allergic to cheese, but now I just think you are allergic to slavery. Fortunately for you, Jarod Kintz has just shown up on the shores of this here island riding that toy horse of his. Maybe he and The Mythical Mr. Boo can take you away from me so I can be done with you.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't believe trophies should jsut sit idly on shelves collecting dust. They should be allowed to breath, move about, shop, cook dinner. I mean, that is what a wife is for, right?
-Jarod Kintz
1. What is your current relationship status?
Like an individually wrapped piece of cheese, I’m single.
2. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
My crush is still under the truck, and I’m not sure she has any feeling at the moment (at least not in her legs).
3. What makes you most happy?
That warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach that comes from eating a squirrel.
4. Are you musically inclined?
I’m musically reclined
5. If you could go back in time, and change something, what ? I don’t like how yesterday always comes before today. I’d change that.
6. If you had to be an animal for one day, what would you be?
roadkill
7. Ever have a near death experience?
Yes, I was very near to my twin, the one who “fell” off the cliff.
8. Name something you do a lot?
9. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
10. Who did you copy and paste this from and what do you think about this person?
Sarah: I’m just taking a gander here, but she probably looks even better naked.
11. Name someone with the same b-day as you.
My twin who was mysteriously pushed off a cliff when no one was looking.
12. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
I sing really poor, but so was the audience (I gave a free concert at the homeless shelter)
13. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex?
Lack of genitals
14. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
Does porn count?
15. Do you have braces?
On my false teeth, which I only wear when using my false voice.
16. what was the last thing you ate:
An old guy named Bob, although I didn’t finish him. Thank God for Tupperware.
17. Name something funny that happened to you?
Nothing funny ever happens to me. I have to make it up.
18. Do you speak any other languages?
Only in pitches inaudible for the human ear.
19. What's your favorite smell?
Old people. If I could grind up the elderly and snort them, I would.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo dances like the rain in the dry season of the desert.
The Mythical Mr. Boo had his tear ducts relocated to his groin, so that every time he cries it looks like he's wet his pants. That way, instead of people feeling sad, they'll laugh thinking that he pissed himself.
The Mythical Mr. Boo had his tear ducts relocated to his groin, because the only time he cries is when he's standing in front of a urinal.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has many similarities with Jesus. They both have the same birthday, they can both walk on water (although The Mythical Mr. Boo has to wait until the middle of winter to do it), and both of them of millions of people who don't believe they really exist.
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't want to unzip the fabric of time, to go back to yesterday, yesteryear, or any year for that matter, because he'd rather not mess around with father Time's crotch. He'd much prefer grabbing a shovel and digging deep into Mother Nature's panties.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is a lot like Buddha, except The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't get as much credit for trying to achieve nothingness as Buddha does. Ignorant people just call The Mythical Mr. Boo lazy. But what they fail to realize, is that enlightenment can only come to those who are disciplined enough to continuously sit on the couch for weeks at a time, eating nothing but potato chips, twinkies, and anal lubrication.
-Jarod Kintz
I tried to sell my guitar to a thief with no fingers. He wanted a five-finger discount.
When The Mythical Mr. Boo says open your legs, you make like butter and spread.
I met an honest banker once. He didn't keep my interest.
The Mythical Mr. Boo often feels like he's a goldfish freshly flushed down the commode. mostly the Men's Bathroom Attendant makes him feel that way.
The Mythical Mr. Boo enjoys trimming the hedges of his townhouse with tweezers big enough to pluck the eyebrows off Mt. Rushmore.
The Mythical Mr. Boo enjoys wearing fish flesh, or "sea scales," as he calls them, and tauntingly dancing in front of hungry kittens.
I have a binary outlook on height. 6'4" and above is tall, and anything under 6'3" is short. Everything I do is for the little people, because i do it for myself.
-Jarod Kintz
I tried to sell my guitar to a thief with no fingers. He wanted a five-finger discount. I said "No way" as he tried to snatch it away from me with his elbows, but apparently he was deaf too so he didn't hear me. So I let him have it.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I just wish my 40-year-old neighbor would just go away. And I often find yself wanting to set up a 15-year-old boy's profile on Myspace and add a bunch of 14-year old girls as friends. Then flirt with them, and when there are suficient comments on the profile, change the boy's pics to those of my neighbor and change the age from 15 to 40. Then allert the authorities of the possible pedophile living next to me.
-Jarod Kintz
Something red within 5 feet of you?
Well there’s the body which I haven’t disposed of yet…wait a minute. How’d you know about that?
Your last bag of chips?
Good point, I need to get some more.
The weirdest thing you've seen this week?
I saw Elvis, and he was impersonating me.
Ever done the Electric Slide?
Only when wet.
How much French do you know?
A few random fries here and there.
Sparkly things?
I’m like a fish, shiny things make me hungry. That’s why I often bite strange women’s wrists, fingers and necks. Oh, and their ears. I’m like Mike Tyson sometimes..
Do you look good in yellow?
Yellow makes me look like a bird, which leads me to believe I can fly, which always ends up messy.
Do you sing?
Like a bird, but only when I’m stuck in a cage which hasn’t happened since the last party I went to.
Do you dance?
I do the Kansas City Shuffle with The Mythical Mr. Boo
Ever make fun of a homeless person?
Me? Never
At what age do you want to get married?
97, and her daddy will probably make me marry her after I (we, I’ll need some help) get her pregnant.
Have you ever received a restraining order?
They can’t hold me back
At what age do you want to have kids?
97
How many kids?
Somewhere between three and four
Ketchup or Mustard?
Yes, but only on my yellow shirt.
When is the last time someone deleted you from their Myspace friends list?
30 seconds ago
Ever eat Spam?
Yes, I often print out the Spam from my inbox and eat it. Especially the food coupons, those are the most appetizing.
Have a crush on a teacher?
Professor McDougal, but only when he wears those short skirts and pink thongs and lets me sneak a peek. Tee hee.
Have a girlfriend?
Girlfriends are like pants to me. I used to have a pair, but I left them at some party I showed up at.
Have a boyfriend?
Boyfriends are like those pants, I haven’t even thought about them.
One place you want to travel to?
Although I’ve only been there once, I’d love to go back to a womb. It must have been really relaxing, because I spent nearly nine months there and got a hell of a lot of sleep.
If you could have anything right now what would it be?
A burrito the size and shape of a camel, and I’d wear a cheese poncho. Then we’d ride off into the desert, as my poncho would melt, then I‘d consume my camel burrito.
-Jarod Kintz
In three words, explain what ended your last relationship?
like my penis--very, very short.
When was the last time you shaved your legs?
The last time I snuck in the attic to try on Grandmother’s wedding dress. I guess that was last Thursday.
What were you doing this morning at 8 AM?
Climbing down from a tree branch, but sadly I dropped my binoculars and lubrication into the street gutter.
What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Throwing large pebbles at Cecil’s window, but I kept hitting Carl who had taken my seat on my favorite tree branch (it has the best view).
Are you any good at math?
So good I can’t even quantify how good I am in rational numbers. I can only describe it in irrational numbers (female numbers).
Your prom night?
I gave my date the slip--pink slip (I paid someone to go with me).
Do you have any famous ancestors?
Reginald the Destroyer. While most Saxons sacked stone castles, Reginald was famous for constructing elaborate sand castles and then burning them, thus turning them into glass. Then he’d smash them all to pieces. He was a rather ruthless man, and feared by many sea turtles.
Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
I owe the U.S. Government .47 cents, but the way inflation is rising, I might owe those sons of bitches damn near half a dollar by the time I graduate.
Last thing received in the mail?
My dead cat, Susan. Somebody burned her, but you can’t pet ashes, so I used those ashes in my new cat’s litter box. I felt Susan would have wanted it.
Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the
beach?
I draw portraits in the sand. Mostly they are of the ever fierce Reginald, with his hollow eyes, and chinless mouth. And his rather beakish looking nose. He looks strangely like a seagull (there the only ones who will sit still long enough to be a model for him).
What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
I once had a hard to reach tooth pulled (it was located at just over 9 feet in the air, so I had to stand on my toes the whole time it was being pulled).
What is out your back door?
A wormhole that leads to another dimension. I have a wheelchair ramp because Steven Hawking is the only one who really uses that door.
Any plans for tonight?
Yes, but we’re still waiting on some of the equipment. Apparently nobody brought the gloves or the ski masks, so now the plans have to be altered slightly.
Do you like the ocean?
Only if it’s Billy
Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas?
I’m allergic to presents. Every year I get a stocking full of high fives.
Do you like somebody right now?
No, I hate everyone. Now fuck off.
Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
Not if Mr. Boo had brought the gloves, and Renaldo had remembered the ski masks. I should have hired professionals.
Describe your keychain:
long, limp and attached to my ball sack.
Where do you keep your change?
In my pants in the freezer
When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
At the obesity meeting. It was a very large crowd.
What kind of winter coat do you have?
A long one that exposes my genitals when pulled apart at appropriate times (when elderly women are looking).
-Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz says sex, like business, is better with multiple partners. But I'm an entrepreneur, and I work really well with my hands.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo won't even date a girl with baggage. He likes them homeless, too.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo is completely deaf in one of his ears. I think it's the middle one.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has only had his wallet stolen once, and that was when it was in the store and The Mythical Mr. Boo decided he had to have it. No he didn't steal his own wallet, because he never actually paid for it, it wasn't really even his.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has the eye sight of an eagle who’s trying to find his shadow on the wall of a pitch dark cave. The Mythical Mr. Boo is that shadow, and the dark cave is the underground that Mr. Boo moves so stealthily through.
The Mythical Mr. Boo wears glasses that he always keeps filled to the top with vodka.
The Mythical Mr. Boo won't arm wrestle anyone, unless that arm is attached to a torso with legs.
The Mythical Mr. Boo often wonders how what some people won't pay for in tuition, life seems to provide them with all the intuition they need.
-Jarod Kintz
If I could fly at the speed of sound, I’d put on a chicken suit before taking to flight, because then I’d be the fastest, most delicious meal known to man.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has a magnetic personality, and he may be coming to a fridge near you soon.
The Mythical Mr. Boo never washes anything in the dishwasher, after nearly losing a finger in there two years ago. That’s because the Mythical Mr. Boo doesn’t eat with silverware, he eats with his fingers. So now he hand washes his own dishes, which happen to be his hands. So essentially it’s the same thing as dishes washing dishes, which is kind of a cool concept.
The Mythical Mr. Boo was being recruited by the University of Florida basketball team. But The Mythical Mr. Boo decided to forego what would have been a legendary career as a towel boy because The Mythical Mr. Boo believes that towels are being oppressed, and he’s tired of basketball players so callously using them.
The Mythical Mr. Boo just got engaged to a beautiful towel that he met on the beach in Ponte Vedra. But she still won’t shower with him.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo used to want to be a writer, until that tragic day his doctor informed him that he was severely allergic to the written word. And indeed, most of America is allergic to the written word today. That's why nobody reads or writes anymore. If this paragraph makes you feel woozy, nauseous, or you start sweating uncontrollably, I advise you to stop reading immediately and go directly to a hospital.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo never says no to sex. He just says, "tomorrow." And The Mythical Mr. Boo only dates women who have less than 24 hours to live.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is known to keep his relationships fresh. He keeps his ex girlfriends in Tupperware containers in a freezer in the attic, where The Tupperware Lady sleeps.
There is no proof that The Mythical Mr. Boo is Bigfoot, other than a few footprints, and some grainy home video footage.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo has never eaten a bug, because that's just too much car for one man.
-Jarod Kintz
I once dreamt that I was a shoe and somebody pissed all over me in the bathroom, and I loved every minute of it (it was a really long pee).
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn’t listen to music, because music leads to dancing, dancing leads to sex, and sex leads to pregnancy, which leads to abortions. And The Mythical Mr. Boo has already slaughtered enough babies as it is.
-Jarod Kintz
Struggling Author:
I got so drunk last night that I ended up jacking off all over my manuscript! It took me nearly four months to write that page, too.
-Jarod Kintz
The Door-to-door vacuum salesman: The Mythical Mr. Boo thinks The Door-to-door vacuum salesman is just a dirtbag full of hot air. Although I've never met him, I'm sure he thinks that. Everybody does.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.
-Jarod Kintz
How could I say no. I mean, who could resist the question, "will you dance with me?" coming from a shoe?
-Jarod Kintz
When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was your first thought? Why do I have a patch of pubic hair growing out of my forehead?
When's the next time you will have sex? Not until I meet the right girl. I’ll tell you what I’m looking for. Her left leg should be several inches shorter than her right leg, which is supported by a metal brace. Then,, on our first date, we shall venture to the top of a pine tree in the middle of a thunderstorm, and wait for the electricity between us to begin.
What's a word that rhymes with "DUCK"? Schmuck, like the guy who wrote this question.
Favorite planet? Pluto, circa 2005
What do you think about the person who took this survey
She has fantastic eyes!
If you're in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on?
The middle one. Duh!
How do you like your eggs? Fast. Usually traveling at about 50 M.P.H at a passing car.
Who told you he/she loved you last? Well that he/she you are referring to has a name. And shis name is Kris.
Last furry thing you touched?
Tee hee. Wouldn’t you like to know! Actually it was my forehead.
Favorite age you have been so far?
-3 months was a great age for me.
Your worst enemy?
Captain Spandex and the Gonad Goons. I save this planet on a nightly basis, and do I ever get a thank you? No!
What is your current desktop picture?
A picture of my future children’s father. He’s such a wonderful individual.
What was the last thing you said to someone?
Stop yelling at me! I didn’t mean to kill your parents…
If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly?
I’d take to flight, just to know the feeling of pleasure it would bring me to be able to shit on somebody’s car.
If the last person you spoke to was getting shot, what would you do?
Look around to see if anybody saw me. And if they did, I’d shoot them too.
If you could punch 1 person in the face , who would it be?
I couldn’t imagine punching anybody in the face. Ever. Normally I elbow people in the face. And I punch them in their kidneys.
What is the closest object to your left foot? My penis. Sometimes I get carpet burn on my balls as they drag along the carpet.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd love to stay at a bed and breakfast with no alarm clocks and tons of mute chickens running around. I'd never wake up.
-Jarod Kintz
It’s never a good idea to staple Zimbabwean dollars together and burn them, because staples, while almost worthless, still have intrinsic value.
Science has just invented the Robert Mugabe Anatomic Readjuster, so one’s cranium can now be relocated deep within one’s own anal cavity--as history will show that’s where Robert Mugabe did some of his deepest thinking on national policy.
She must have whispered “I love you” a thousand times after we’d make love before I finally said those three little words I knew she was dying to hear: “I’m hungry, bitch.”
My ex girlfriend had an outrageous sex drive. Fourteen miles, round trip.
My ex girlfriend always wanted to have sex on the stairs, but I always preferred the escalator just so I didn’t have to do any work.
Sometimes I wish I were a tomato, rolling along a treadmill, or conveyer belt at a supermarket, because tomatoes are healthy, and I need to get more exorcize.
I’ve had sex everywhere from underneath tables to on top of forts, underneath blue skies to the very top of my bunk bed, basically everywhere except under my bed, because I don’t sleep with monsters. Well, not since my last girlfriend.
-Jarod Kintz
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