time spent alone is best spent with other people. who needs marriage when depression doubles as a screaming significant other? you can have a party with all the mad characters in this insane play, but the leading man will always be jack daniels.
I can relate to spoon. Refer to "Hey, diddle, diddle, The cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed To see such sport, And the dish ran away with the spoon." Most of those words mean something different now than they used to...
These comics are very philosophic. My friend, Red, told me about a man named Xerxes Yellow, who is a philosopher only interested in the green. Money that is. He sells "Knowcones", shaved ice that have been frozen while wise words played over a speaker in the freezer. Yellow asserts that a person can "soak up" the wisdom obtained through the frozen water. My advice: Don't eat Yellow's Knowcones. -Jarod Kintz
this picture reminds me of the time I was locked in my closet for weeks with nothing to wear but the pants on my back. I had no food so I ate those pants, with my legs still in them. But now I am just rolling through life on my wheelchair. Full of energy, and a healthy fear of closets. And moths. -Jarod Kintz
I didn't ask for directions, but the man with four arms felt obliged to smile and point anyway. It was only when he asked for a hug that I got a little worried. But I politely declined, shook his hands, and skidaddled on my way. -Jarod Kintz
When I told my friends that I was taking a class in basket weaving, they all said it was a waste of time. Well I used my hair as my first project and now I don't have to carry a purse. I have now given up shaving to create a matching wallet.
I like friends that agree with me and wisely say nothing when I am upset. Friends willing to help me in my time of need. Friends who would gladly give me the shirt off their back (preferably a current fashion) and not say one word about it. That's why I hang out with mannequins. -Jarod Kintz
Last night my band and I rocked out all night. I played air guitar nonstop until my fingers bled. Then I did some finger painting on the cave wall where I live. -Jarod Kintz
Barron the bear, who used to be my proctologist, always used to ask me if there was fur in my stool. When I answered yes, I got scared. He told me not to worry, just to tell my girlfriend to shave, that's all. -Jarod Kintz
I went to an opera last night. Instead of seats, there were beds. Best sleep I've ever had. Only the guy next to me kept stealing the blankets. -Jarod Kintz
Fighting with your boyfriend is like the flu. It leaves you with puffy eyes, a runny nose and a sore throat, plus the only cure is a little bit of time and TLC.
Death starts when life ends. But when life starts, what ends? Maybe it's some game show where you have to choose something behind three closed doors. Next time I'm knocking first, and if my dad answers, I'm out of there. -Jarod Kintz
I have a friend who's always looking for sex. He keeps finding it in between the couch cushions. That's where I loose my change, so I guess I'm paying for him to get laid. -Jarod Kintz
I always keep a spare set of keys in a spare set of pants that are folded up and stuffed in my wallet in case I lose either my pants or my keys or both, as I did yesterday while enjoying myself at the petting zoo. -Jarod Kintz
When it comes to committment men would rather be tied up than tied down. They think of it as being committed to an institution where devotion is the sedetive and sex is like the weekly trip to the doctor.
After driving fourteen hours strait yesterday, I threw out my back. Then I got pulled over. I can't believe the how expensive the fines are for littering. -Jarod Kintz
I like wearing my magic pants to the bar. They bring me luck with the ladies. I bought them from some emperor guy. Most people can't see them. -Jarod Kintz
Everyday is Halloween for me. Asking strange people for candy and then aggressively searching their pockets is what I call amusing. More people need to carry candybars in their wallets. -Jarod Kintz
Dear Renaldo, Thanks for your inquiery into my success with my magic pants. While it is true I do get snickers and scoffs from the ladies at the size of my, um, member, I have learned a valuable lesson. It's a simple matter of ratio. A two inch penis (I'm not trying to brag) is not impressive to a five foot six girl. But it is a behemoth to a woman of dwarfish stature. Best of luck in your cinematic endeavers. P.S. Did the emperor sell you any magic condoms by any chance? -Jarod KIntz
Larry, Was this dove wearing a trenchcoat and flashing older gentlemen. If Yes, you met Heinrich. And yes, those magic comdoms are safe. Unless you ate them. Oh god, Larry, please tell me you didn't eat the condoms? Very Concerned, Jarod Kintz
Wendy A.K.A Larry, I guess beef's not just for dinner, it's now for foreplay, huh? He should be fine. But he doesn't sound like a Saint, does he? -Jarod Kintz
On second thought, lets not get rid of condoms. That would be a silly idea, on par with getting rid of poor people. And we can't just get rid of poor people... can we? -Jarod Kintz
I like blue shirts, especially when they are green. But not on me. But I am color blind, so what do I know. I do like gray shirts, I think. A color is a concept, and that's all I know. I am glad I can see concepts, all though I am concept blind too. Everything is also black and white to me. -Jarod Kintz
Everything is black, white and red to me. Although not in the communist sense of the word. Although I have no problem with red communists, I prefer them pink. -Jarod Kintz
How do you know about communism? Are you former K.G.B? The revolution needs you. We will attack city hall next week. Can you handle a weapon? How are you with dental floss? I am great. I've won many awards and a plaque or two. That's no lie, that's the tooth. Bring the sausage to show your loyalty. -Jarod Kintz
Well not only am I good for the sausage but i've got a few links. I am not so good with dental floss but my weapon od choice is dishwashing detergent. Never underestimate the power of a clean fork.
I just got back from visiting my uncle and his family in Kentucky. If they had a million dollars for every tooth tey had, they's have a milion dollars. You can buy a lot of floss with a million dollars. At least two packages I think. Let me check my math...yep, two. -Jarod
I wonder when the housing bubble is going to burst? I hate gum. I'm tired of living in a bubble anyway. I'd rather live in a housing tube. But not a fallopian tube, that's just nasty. -Jarod Kintz
I am both a miner and a proctologist. The rocks you get from this quandary is a polished puzzle that smells like money. And I would know, I wipe my ass with foreign currency. -Jarod Kintz
When a lawyer dies, it can be a real laws to society. To have loved and lawst is true justice. But I'll never cry over a lawyer. I'd most likely piss over him. -Jarod Kintz
King Arthirteen and the twelve knights of the round table. They were all poisened by a man named Grail at what is now being called the laced supper. -Jarod Kintz
I love riding in a car packed with people from another country. Especially if that country is Mexico. How do you say Chinese fire drill in spanish? -Jarod Kintz
I like sitting on strange people's sofas looking spaced out. It's even better if I am not wearing any pants and chewing on loose pieces of baloney that I found in between the cushions. -Jarod Kintz
Our love was a leper of a flower, a bicycle with no petals. The time we shared was like the handlebars that weren't there. And the car crash that was the breakup was inevitable. And this wheelchair with one wheel that I now sit upon is like my future as a bachelor. The thing you did to me that I hated so much is the one thing I now need desperately: somebody to push me around. -Jarod Kintz
I played a solo air guitar concert last night for a bunch of deaf people. I have never seen people more pissed off in my life. Maybe I was playing too loud for them, or I was just out of tune, but they attacked me screaming at me with their angry fingers. -Jarod Kintz
I don't recommend packaging large amounts of people into small boxes, unless you are just overnighting them. But only then if you get a delivery confirmation signed by G.I. Joe. Mathilda the warrior king agrees that this is the best method for shipping troups quickly. And don't worry about insurance on that package, with all those warrior people stuffed in there, it is fairly safe. Unless you accidentally pack the bombs inside with the men, then I would definitely go with the insurance, and NOT the delivery confirmation. That is, unless Joe says it's OK to do both. Our defence funds are quite tight, you know. -Jarod Kintz
If you find a pair of panties in your friend's sofa, is it fair game to sniff them? Even when you hid some thongs in the icecream to save the freshness? What if your friend eats the ice cream, and breaks your Tonka truck, and does not offer to buy you some new lengerie in payment? And who brought the fish with the afro? These and other questions I intend to answer while I walk my kangaroo off a cliff. -Jarod Kintz
So you're the one who ratted me out. I knew there was a certain look in his eyes the day after the orgy with the farm animals. I could tell he knew. I've seen that look before in him. It was in vietnam, when he used to solicit sex from the officers. A combination of loathing and pure lust. But that was nothing to the vietnamese artist I came across. He liked to paint with his hair. Only he was bald, so the canvases were blank. He was always trying to get the officers toupee for his pieces. Arthur eventually would barter his sexual services for one of these blank canvases. But me and Mathilda defaced it by urinating all over it. We then sold it back to the artist for the princely sum of his father, Twan. -Jarod Kintz
Who told you of the banana trick? And Twan loved Arthurs fingers. But not as much as my nimble fingers. I have long fingers like a pianist, that's why I play the drums. Plus, Mathilda and I plan on using those sticks with you on our honeymoon. So where do you want to go? Mathilda has his heart set on taking over Vegas. that way, we get a tax break because we comingle business with pleasure. We're in the business of war. War and bananas. They go hand in hand. Or, hand in ass as Arthur likes it. He's such a slut. I can't believe he told you about Twan. I bet he was also bragging to you about my huge cock. What'd he tell you, three inches? I would go along with that, but you are going to find out soon enough. He's just jealous, that's all. It's three and a half. In fact, when all three of us are together, we have damn near eight inches of dick. But that is neither her nor there, or anywhere except in vietnam, where Arthur should have left Twan if Mathilda had anything to do with it. Did Arthur tell you anything about the mangoes? -Jarod Kintz
Young country woman who tends to get around : Bobbie Bo Jobs. Single man who loves his right hand : Jack Constantine Ugly man who thinks he's hot : Hylin Ieve Girl who always falls for the wrong guys : Lauren Zimpel
Larry, If two people meet at the park and each brings something of value to a relationship, can there be a date set up? If I buy the dinner, I must use a coupon. I like my discounts. I'm a Wal Mart shopper. At three thirty in the morning, you meet some very interesting people in the parking lot. There are so many obese people in the world, especially at Wal-Mart, which is why I park in the farthest spot away from the door, so that I can get my exorcize. Nobody does business with a fat man, unless it is his wallet that is bulging, which mine will be. -Jarod Kintz
RoRoUrBoat, I just did a load of laundry, and I washed all of my socks. There is nothing better than doing laundry while you are working. The dogs can track you if your socks smell funny. A watchdog goes blind when his nose isn't working. I don't think a dog is man't best friend. I think an albino donkey is. People go crazy for their albino donkey. But only a purebred albino donkey. It has to be pure-strait from the jungle where men are monkeys, and dogs don't bite the hands that feed them. Capitolism is great for raising pets. It was harder to domesticate animals in a communist society. -Jarod Kintz
Jarod, I just drank my morning coffee, and I take it with lots of cream and sugar. Some beans are stronger than others. This new hurricane is going to get lots of people wet. I am bringing an umbrella. -Larry
Larry, Yes, lots of people are going to get drenched. But I wear a wetsuit in the shower, and I sleep with an introveted umbrella. She never opens up to me, and I never tell her anything either. Some coffee is stronger than others, the same with people. If you stare at a map of the earth too long, you start thinking you can see the whole world at a glance. Never forget that the shortest distance betwen two points is a strait line, except if that line is the border to Mexico-even with this new storm coming. -Jarod Kintz
I talked to Jesse earlier today, and he said his mother grounded him for sassing her. Are we still meeting at the tree fort tonight at nine? Do you know if Randall has the binary laser defribulator? -Jarod Kintz
To Susie: Remember when we met at the sandbox last thursday? You said you liked my Tonka truck. I said I liked your slippers. Then you threw sand in my face and called me a pervert. -Jarod Kintz
Grandmother is coming over tonight, and you know how she likes to comb my hair after my bath. And the wallpapering is next week. Mathilda is out sacking San Fransisco, and we'll need his tools to tear down the central wall and comingle the space. I picked up this fabulous pink rug at Target today that will really represent our anarchiscic goals as a group. Thanks for reminding me about the detangler, without it she rips out patches of hair she pulls so hard. It seems Sue uses eveerybody for her own sexual deviant ends. Did I leave my Retractable Pentabloorian underneath your sofa last night? -JArod Kintz
Fucking Jarod Kintz. We had a conversation about corn and he thought I was talking about aliens. He asked me if I knew why crop circles weren't squares. When I said I didn't know, he got so angry he pissed all over my new rug. Luckily for me I stole it. -Maurice McFeces
I just got back from visiting my uncle and his family in Kentucky. If they had a million dollars for every tooth they had, they's have a milion dollars. You can buy a lot of floss with a million dollars. At least two packages I think. Let me check my math...yep, two. -Jarod Kintz
So I take it that you also buy the conspiracy theory of Lee Harvery Oswald not acting alone? And yes, most of us are all alone, with the exception of those individuals blessed with multiple personality disorder. I suscribe to many conspiracy theories by the way. And so do I. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wonder what being a cannibal and eating a cryogenically frozen person must be like. Just pop it into the microwave and dig in. -Jarod Kintz
Question and answer with Jarod Kintz: Q.I feel sorry for the clown, after all he's a clown! You could probably get a piece of ass walking out your front door.
A.Or wouldn't it be cool if they made doors out of nice pieces of ass? Then I could just ram myself into the front door.
As that famous pedophile, Alan Ginsberg, might have said, a pedophile, from the root pedophilia, which is broken into pedo and phelia, pedo meaning literally candy in Greek, and phelia which means distributor. So next time a strange guy comes up to you saying he's got some candy in his car, and your older friends say he's a pedophile, go ahead, follow him to his car. -Jarod Kintz
I’m going to tell you a little story, Mr. Boo. It’s about a little boy who always dreamed of being a world record holder. Yet no matter how many query letters he sent out to Guinness Book of World Records he was always turned down. But that didn’t deter him. He kept training, and kept writing those emails. And after thousands of broken dishes, and sore spines from the weight of one too many bowling balls on the back of Mr. Fizzlebush, he finally might have a world record. You see, that little boy is me, and to the best of my knowledge, this is the world’s longest cohesive comment known to man. It’s the Great Wall of China of comments. This could probably be seen from space. But I’ll have to write NASA just to be sure. -Jarod Kintz
I was on a date once, and the girl thought I was too good to be true. She asked me if I wasn't really an axe murderer. Of course I'm not an axe murderer, I replied. Axes are much too messy for my style. I prefer suffocating my victims. You should have seen the look on her face. She couldn't speak; she was breathless, but not as breathless as later on that night when I had to get rid of her because she had become a liability. -Jarod Kintz
I love forward women who can also cook. My ex girlfriend said before our first date, "you bring the semen and I'll bring the eggs." Now that's my kind of omelette. -Jarod Kintz
Another useless thought at the REM level. "93% of the world might as well be 95%, because who cares about that 2% of the population anyways?" -Jarod Kintz
I'd love to catch you on a good day. I'd love to catch you when you fall. I'd love to catch your vomit with my face, as I make my way down the hall. -Jarod Kintz
I'd have loved it if you vomited in my face because I was starving. But if I had eaten, I'd have vomited your vomit, which is a terrible waste. So it worked out for the best. -Jarod Kintz
There was once a mighty cigarette who killed many men. And on the other side of the world there was a match that had burned many men. And on that fateful day that they met in a smokey bar, the cigarette knew he had finally met his match. And I think you can figure out the moral of the story: never steal from a vegetable, even if you are the gardener and it's his garden. -Jarod Kintz
977 Comments:
original thought. Funny play on words.
-Brianna
such a provocative drawing. reminds me of the park.
-Sammy
The simple, clean lines of this drawing are almost as intriguing as the text. Very good.
Betsy
My friend is such an introvet. I can't seem to get him out of his shell. Maybe I should stop hanging out with a turtle.
-Orafoura
I once knew an introvert too. Well actually I didn't know him. I just always saw him sitting in a cardboard box in the alley behind my house.
simplistic but awesome.
how true this is.
Introverts are sometimes the most
interesting. Great comic. I like the thought.
Jason
Ich masturbiere gern offen, aber fühle nie beschämt.
time spent alone is best spent with other people. who needs marriage when depression doubles as a screaming significant other? you can have a party with all the mad characters in this insane play, but the leading man will always be jack daniels.
These comics are so surreal, I thought I was being Punk'd I was laughing so hard.
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore
this website rocks!
This website is funny. I love the "I like to spoon after I fork" shirt LOL.
I can relate to spoon. Refer to "Hey, diddle, diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon." Most of those words mean something different now than they used to...
These comics are very philosophic. My friend, Red, told me about a man named Xerxes Yellow, who is a philosopher only interested in the green. Money that is. He sells "Knowcones", shaved ice that have been frozen while wise words played over a speaker in the freezer. Yellow asserts that a person can "soak up" the wisdom obtained through the frozen water. My advice: Don't eat Yellow's Knowcones.
-Jarod Kintz
came across your website while searching for snuff porn. pretty cool shit.
this picture reminds me of the time I was locked in my closet for weeks with nothing to wear but the pants on my back. I had no food so I ate those pants, with my legs still in them. But now I am just rolling through life on my wheelchair. Full of energy, and a healthy fear of closets. And moths.
-Jarod Kintz
I once knew an introvert who liked eating broccoli. But only by himself.
I didn't ask for directions, but the man with four arms felt obliged to smile and point anyway. It was only when he asked for a hug that I got a little worried. But I politely declined, shook his hands, and skidaddled on my way.
-Jarod Kintz
When I told my friends that I was taking a class in basket weaving, they all said it was a waste of time. Well I used my hair as my first project and now I don't have to carry a purse. I have now given up shaving to create a matching wallet.
I love to cook food for people I don't like. In the kitchen I turn into a giant fly as I spit in their food.
-Jarod Kintz
I like friends that agree with me and wisely say nothing when I am upset. Friends willing to help me in my time of need. Friends who would gladly give me the shirt off their back (preferably a current fashion) and not say one word about it. That's why I hang out with mannequins.
-Jarod Kintz
Lots of people like to use other people like toilet paper. But you realy can't blame them because they really just are pieces of shit.
-Jarod KIntz
Live your laugh like everyday is a new joke made just to make you smile.
-Jarod Kintz
Marriage is the union of two people. Divorce is when they go on strike.
-Jarod Kintz
As a woman I pride myself in being extremely good in the kitchen. I can whip up a husband in under thirty minutes.
Last night my band and I rocked out all night. I played air guitar nonstop until my fingers bled. Then I did some finger painting on the cave wall where I live.
-Jarod Kintz
Barron the bear, who used to be my proctologist, always used to ask me if there was fur in my stool. When I answered yes, I got scared. He told me not to worry, just to tell my girlfriend to shave, that's all.
-Jarod Kintz
I went to an opera last night. Instead of seats, there were beds. Best sleep I've ever had. Only the guy next to me kept stealing the blankets.
-Jarod Kintz
For women wrinkle cream is a lifesaver. For men its a wifesaver.
If a tree falls in love in the middle of the forest and nobody's around to se it, did it really happen?
-Jarod Kintz
I gave my frind a lumberjack in the box, and it hacked of all his limbs.
-Jarod Kintz
I never eat dinner at the pasture. Those waiters are so rude, always chewing in front of me. That's why I don't cow tip.
-Jarod Kintz
I always wear a helmet to the bar. Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young.
-Jarod Kintz
I love the way it feels swimming through fresh, cool, clean water. But my mother says that it is innappropiate at the dinner table.
Lauren Zimpel
He said he understood, but I could see in his eyes that he didn't. He's lying to me.
Introverts swim in their very own private cesspool, large enough to hold the God Almighty Ruler of One that they are.
I went ot the circus to have a little fun, but the 700 pound woman said she wasn't interested.
Fighting with your boyfriend is like the flu. It leaves you with puffy eyes, a runny nose and a sore throat, plus the only cure is a little bit of time and TLC.
Celebrity gssip is much more fun than celibatory gossip.
Lauren Zimpel
I love the "I like to spoon after I fork" T-Shirt, I love it, I love it, LOVE IT!
I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.
-Jarod Kintz
When I was young and foolish (yesterday), I was in a band called the "The Oil Spills." Man, were we slick.
-Jarod Kintz
When drinking beer, think outside the Becks.
-Jarod Kintz
Death starts when life ends. But when life starts, what ends? Maybe it's some game show where you have to choose something behind three closed doors. Next time I'm knocking first, and if my dad answers, I'm out of there.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to want to go into the oil business, but it's too crude for me.
-Jarod Kintz
I haven't met many lawyers that I didn't like. But then again, I haven't met many lawyers.
-Jarod Kintz
I have a friend who's always looking for sex. He keeps finding it in between the couch cushions. That's where I loose my change, so I guess I'm paying for him to get laid.
-Jarod Kintz
The first time our eyes locked, I knew I had forgotten the key in my other pants.
-Jarod Kintz
My penis' name is Pride. Pride is something every woman should be filled with.
-Jarod Kintz
I always keep a spare set of keys in a spare set of pants that are folded up and stuffed in my wallet in case I lose either my pants or my keys or both, as I did yesterday while enjoying myself at the petting zoo.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm allergic to fingers, so I have to eat pizza with my feet. You should see me eat on the run.
-Jarod Kintz
When it comes to committment men would rather be tied up than tied down. They think of it as being committed to an institution where devotion is the sedetive and sex is like the weekly trip to the doctor.
Lauren Zimpel
After driving fourteen hours strait yesterday, I threw out my back. Then I got pulled over. I can't believe the how expensive the fines are for littering.
-Jarod Kintz
I like wearing my magic pants to the bar. They bring me luck with the ladies. I bought them from some emperor guy. Most people can't see them.
-Jarod Kintz
Everyday is Halloween for me. Asking strange people for candy and then aggressively searching their pockets is what I call amusing. More people need to carry candybars in their wallets.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm surprised about your luck with the Magic pants. The ladies look during my entrance, but then there's giggles and whispers. Any style advice?
regards,
Renaldo "Fetish porn midget" Perez
Dear Renaldo,
Thanks for your inquiery into my success with my magic pants. While it is true I do get snickers and scoffs from the ladies at the size of my, um, member, I have learned a valuable lesson. It's a simple matter of ratio. A two inch penis (I'm not trying to brag) is not impressive to a five foot six girl. But it is a behemoth to a woman of dwarfish stature. Best of luck in your cinematic endeavers. P.S. Did the emperor sell you any magic condoms by any chance?
-Jarod KIntz
I purchased some magic condoms once. I got them from a strange dove on a street corner. So they have to be legit right?
Larry Poo Looza
Larry,
Was this dove wearing a trenchcoat and flashing older gentlemen. If Yes, you met Heinrich. And yes, those magic comdoms are safe. Unless you ate them. Oh god, Larry, please tell me you didn't eat the condoms?
Very Concerned,
Jarod Kintz
Weel my life partner, who happens to be a St. Bernard did.I bought the beef flavored ones because he likes them, why is that a problem?
Wendy A.K.A Larry,
I guess beef's not just for dinner, it's now for foreplay, huh? He should be fine. But he doesn't sound like a Saint, does he?
-Jarod Kintz
Nah, he is. I call him Lucipher. It's our little pet name.
Wendy
Larry A.K.A. Wendy,
There is nothing "little" about a St. Bernard. I know Renaldo wouldn't think so.
-Jarod Kintz
Yeah well you dont know Luciphers anatomy. Why do you think I was looking for the flavored condoms?
Wendy
Because I'm all pinkies, I never break my rule of thumb.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is business. A merger where two become one. Rape is a hostile takeover.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex has lost its nutritional value. where's the vitamin O? and get rid of condoms, women need protein.
-Jarod Kintz
On second thought, lets not get rid of condoms. That would be a silly idea, on par with getting rid of poor people. And we can't just get rid of poor people... can we?
-Jarod Kintz
I like blue shirts, especially when they are green. But not on me. But I am color blind, so what do I know. I do like gray shirts, I think. A color is a concept, and that's all I know. I am glad I can see concepts, all though I am concept blind too. Everything is also black and white to me.
-Jarod Kintz
Everything is black, white and red to me. Although not in the communist sense of the word. Although I have no problem with red communists, I prefer them pink.
-Jarod Kintz
Pink communists? Why that is absurd! Everyone knows that communosts are violet, like the gentle hue of a pegonia.
Someone who knows.
How do you know about communism? Are you former K.G.B? The revolution needs you. We will attack city hall next week. Can you handle a weapon? How are you with dental floss? I am great. I've won many awards and a plaque or two. That's no lie, that's the tooth. Bring the sausage to show your loyalty.
-Jarod Kintz
Well not only am I good for the sausage but i've got a few links. I am not so good with dental floss but my weapon od choice is dishwashing detergent. Never underestimate the power of a clean fork.
If you have to dig to find yourself, you are probably dead.
-Jarod Kintz
I just got back from visiting my uncle and his family in Kentucky. If they had a million dollars for every tooth tey had, they's have a milion dollars. You can buy a lot of floss with a million dollars. At least two packages I think. Let me check my math...yep, two.
-Jarod
I wonder when the housing bubble is going to burst? I hate gum. I'm tired of living in a bubble anyway. I'd rather live in a housing tube. But not a fallopian tube, that's just nasty.
-Jarod Kintz
I met a homeless chicken last night. He kept egging for some change.
-Jarod Kintz
If some men are truly born to be assholes, does that mean that they were concieved by way of anal sex?
Last night I went to a deaf sex fest. It was an orgy of hearing aids and lots of groping in the dark.
-Jarod Kintz
Up is down when your walking backwards on your hands up an escelator that's going down.
-Jarod Kintz
I am both a miner and a proctologist. The rocks you get from this quandary is a polished puzzle that smells like money. And I would know, I wipe my ass with foreign currency.
-Jarod Kintz
When a lawyer dies, it can be a real laws to society. To have loved and lawst is true justice. But I'll never cry over a lawyer. I'd most likely piss over him.
-Jarod Kintz
Love at first sight is an elevator: it doesn't stair.
-Jarod Kintz
If looks could call, would you pick up the phone?
-Jarod Kintz
Beauty never sleeps, it breasts.
-Jarod Kintz
King Arthirteen and the twelve knights of the round table. They were all poisened by a man named Grail at what is now being called the laced supper.
-Jarod Kintz
I love taking cold upside down golden showers. Especially when they are brown.
-Jarod Kintz
I love riding in a car packed with people from another country. Especially if that country is Mexico. How do you say Chinese fire drill in spanish?
-Jarod Kintz
I like sitting on strange people's sofas looking spaced out. It's even better if I am not wearing any pants and chewing on loose pieces of baloney that I found in between the cushions.
-Jarod Kintz
I am not a monkey wrench. I do not date loose women. Stripped, yes, loose, no.
-Jarod Kintz
Our love was a leper of a flower, a bicycle with no petals. The time we shared was like the handlebars that weren't there. And the car crash that was the breakup was inevitable. And this wheelchair with one wheel that I now sit upon is like my future as a bachelor. The thing you did to me that I hated so much is the one thing I now need desperately: somebody to push me around.
-Jarod Kintz
I played a solo air guitar concert last night for a bunch of deaf people. I have never seen people more pissed off in my life. Maybe I was playing too loud for them, or I was just out of tune, but they attacked me screaming at me with their angry fingers.
-Jarod Kintz
I like walking in the rain so nobody knows I wet my pants.
-Jarod Kintz
It's been saud, "the worst thing about loving you is watching you love someone else." I feel like this when I masturbate in the mirror.
-Jarod Kintz
If you were invisible, and I could see through you, would I have x-ray vision?
-Jarod Kintz
Glowsticks can be fun, yet painful, if not properly lubed up.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't recommend packaging large amounts of people into small boxes, unless you are just overnighting them. But only then if you get a delivery confirmation signed by G.I. Joe. Mathilda the warrior king agrees that this is the best method for shipping troups quickly. And don't worry about insurance on that package, with all those warrior people stuffed in there, it is fairly safe. Unless you accidentally pack the bombs inside with the men, then I would definitely go with the insurance, and NOT the delivery confirmation. That is, unless Joe says it's OK to do both. Our defence funds are quite tight, you know.
-Jarod Kintz
If you find a pair of panties in your friend's sofa, is it fair game to sniff them? Even when you hid some thongs in the icecream to save the freshness? What if your friend eats the ice cream, and breaks your Tonka truck, and does not offer to buy you some new lengerie in payment? And who brought the fish with the afro? These and other questions I intend to answer while I walk my kangaroo off a cliff.
-Jarod Kintz
Does the fish with the afro always wear the bowl full of water on his head? And did he eat my glowsticks and lubrication?
-Jarod Kintz
So you're the one who ratted me out. I knew there was a certain look in his eyes the day after the orgy with the farm animals. I could tell he knew. I've seen that look before in him. It was in vietnam, when he used to solicit sex from the officers. A combination of loathing and pure lust. But that was nothing to the vietnamese artist I came across. He liked to paint with his hair. Only he was bald, so the canvases were blank. He was always trying to get the officers toupee for his pieces. Arthur eventually would barter his sexual services for one of these blank canvases. But me and Mathilda defaced it by urinating all over it. We then sold it back to the artist for the princely sum of his father, Twan.
-Jarod Kintz
Who told you of the banana trick? And Twan loved Arthurs fingers. But not as much as my nimble fingers. I have long fingers like a pianist, that's why I play the drums. Plus, Mathilda and I plan on using those sticks with you on our honeymoon. So where do you want to go? Mathilda has his heart set on taking over Vegas. that way, we get a tax break because we comingle business with pleasure. We're in the business of war. War and bananas. They go hand in hand. Or, hand in ass as Arthur likes it. He's such a slut. I can't believe he told you about Twan. I bet he was also bragging to you about my huge cock. What'd he tell you, three inches? I would go along with that, but you are going to find out soon enough. He's just jealous, that's all. It's three and a half. In fact, when all three of us are together, we have damn near eight inches of dick. But that is neither her nor there, or anywhere except in vietnam, where Arthur should have left Twan if Mathilda had anything to do with it. Did Arthur tell you anything about the mangoes?
-Jarod Kintz
I took a picture of my crotch, but my dog ate it. And boy are my balls hurting.
-Jarod Kintz
You are sick.
I have also made out with an elevator. It was alright. He always pushed the wrong buttons while going down on me.
LZ
If the masses are doing it, it's never right---unless you are selling it to them.
-Jarod Kintz
My mother always asks me " If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?" And to that I reply "yes, why would I want to be on this planet all alone!"
LZ
I always wanted to be a super hero. It's hard though when your Catapedaphobic.
Young country woman who tends to get around : Bobbie Bo Jobs.
Single man who loves his right hand : Jack Constantine
Ugly man who thinks he's hot : Hylin Ieve
Girl who always falls for the wrong guys : Lauren Zimpel
Larry,
If two people meet at the park and each brings something of value to a relationship, can there be a date set up? If I buy the dinner, I must use a coupon. I like my discounts. I'm a Wal Mart shopper. At three thirty in the morning, you meet some very interesting people in the parking lot. There are so many obese people in the world, especially at Wal-Mart, which is why I park in the farthest spot away from the door, so that I can get my exorcize. Nobody does business with a fat man, unless it is his wallet that is bulging, which mine will be.
-Jarod Kintz
RoRoUrBoat,
I just did a load of laundry, and I washed all of my socks. There is nothing better than doing laundry while you are working. The dogs can track you if your socks smell funny. A watchdog goes blind when his nose isn't working. I don't think a dog is man't best friend. I think an albino donkey is. People go crazy for their albino donkey. But only a purebred albino donkey. It has to be pure-strait from the jungle where men are monkeys, and dogs don't bite the hands that feed them. Capitolism is great for raising pets. It was harder to domesticate animals in a communist society.
-Jarod Kintz
Jarod,
I just drank my morning coffee, and I take it with lots of cream and sugar. Some beans are stronger than others. This new hurricane is going to get lots of people wet. I am bringing an umbrella.
-Larry
Larry,
Yes, lots of people are going to get drenched. But I wear a wetsuit in the shower, and I sleep with an introveted umbrella. She never opens up to me, and I never tell her anything either. Some coffee is stronger than others, the same with people. If you stare at a map of the earth too long, you start thinking you can see the whole world at a glance. Never forget that the shortest distance betwen two points is a strait line, except if that line is the border to Mexico-even with this new storm coming.
-Jarod Kintz
Abstractions speak louder than words.
-Jarod Kintz
Making love to you was never second best. It wasn't even in the top ten.
Lauren Zimpel
I love to play on words. But Words hates it. Especially when I wear my high heels.
Lauren Zimpel
I love sketching peoples faces with my markers. The colors are so vibrant. You know, vibrance can be lost, in the ink of an eye.
Lauren Zimpel
I love sketching peoples faces with my markers. The colors are so vibrant. You know, vibrance can be lost, in the ink of an eye.
Lauren Zimpel
Sex is like double sided tape. Sticky no matter which way you flip it.
Lauren Zimpel
I talked to Jesse earlier today, and he said his mother grounded him for sassing her. Are we still meeting at the tree fort tonight at nine? Do you know if Randall has the binary laser defribulator?
-Jarod Kintz
To Susie: Remember when we met at the sandbox last thursday? You said you liked my Tonka truck. I said I liked your slippers. Then you threw sand in my face and called me a pervert.
-Jarod Kintz
Grandmother is coming over tonight, and you know how she likes to comb my hair after my bath. And the wallpapering is next week. Mathilda is out sacking San Fransisco, and we'll need his tools to tear down the central wall and comingle the space. I picked up this fabulous pink rug at Target today that will really represent our anarchiscic goals as a group. Thanks for reminding me about the detangler, without it she rips out patches of hair she pulls so hard. It seems Sue uses eveerybody for her own sexual deviant ends. Did I leave my Retractable Pentabloorian underneath your sofa last night?
-JArod Kintz
I can't believe he didn't try to pop your cherry. Coming from a man who loves Shirley Temples.
-Jarod Kintz
Fucking Jarod Kintz. We had a conversation about corn and he thought I was talking about aliens. He asked me if I knew why crop circles weren't squares. When I said I didn't know, he got so angry he pissed all over my new rug. Luckily for me I stole it.
-Maurice McFeces
If God is the alpha and the omega and everything in between, I am somewhere in between alpha and beta.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.
-Jarod Kintz
I just got back from visiting my uncle and his family in Kentucky. If they had a million dollars for every tooth they had, they's have a milion dollars. You can buy a lot of floss with a million dollars. At least two packages I think. Let me check my math...yep, two.
-Jarod Kintz
Did somebody say Space Porn? I've always wanted to get sucked off in a vaccuum.
-Jarod Kintz
After you have great sex, give yourself a hand. Do the same if you didn't get sex at all.
-Jarod Kintz
So I take it that you also buy the conspiracy theory of Lee Harvery Oswald not acting alone? And yes, most of us are all alone, with the exception of those individuals blessed with multiple personality disorder. I suscribe to many conspiracy theories by the way. And so do I.
-Jarod Kintz
Mr. Fu tell joke now. How many fortune cookie does take to start fight? None. Fortune cookie don't want no trouble.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm wish I could play the piano and surf, but I can't seem to fit my piano on my board.
-Jarod Kintz
Never punch a brick wall, unless it punches you first.
-Jarod Kintz
His penis is so thin, if he had two, he'd have a pair of chop sticks.
Actually, it's more like a lo mein noodle--always soft.
-Jarod Kintz
I tried out for the play, The King and I. I was going for the part of I, but something was off, I just wasn't myself during the audition.
-Jarod Kintz
If life throws you a battle and a paintbrush, don't paint the battlefield--stab someone with the brush.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wonder what being a cannibal and eating a cryogenically frozen person must be like. Just pop it into the microwave and dig in.
-Jarod Kintz
If I had a cat's razor tongue, and their flexibility, shaving my pubic region would be such an easy thing.
-Jarod Kintz
Question and answer with Jarod Kintz:
Q.I feel sorry for the clown, after all he's a clown! You could probably get a piece of ass walking out your front door.
A.Or wouldn't it be cool if they made doors out of nice pieces of ass? Then I could just ram myself into the front door.
I'm a contrarian among contrarians. I do what everybody else in the majority does.
-Jarod Kintz
As that famous pedophile, Alan Ginsberg, might have said, a pedophile, from the root pedophilia, which is broken into pedo and phelia, pedo meaning literally candy in Greek, and phelia which means distributor. So next time a strange guy comes up to you saying he's got some candy in his car, and your older friends say he's a pedophile, go ahead, follow him to his car.
-Jarod Kintz
I’m going to tell you a little story, Mr. Boo. It’s about a little boy who always dreamed of being a world record holder. Yet no matter how many query letters he sent out to Guinness Book of World Records he was always turned down. But that didn’t deter him. He kept training, and kept writing those emails. And after thousands of broken dishes, and sore spines from the weight of one too many bowling balls on the back of Mr. Fizzlebush, he finally might have a world record. You see, that little boy is me, and to the best of my knowledge, this is the world’s longest cohesive comment known to man. It’s the Great Wall of China of comments. This could probably be seen from space. But I’ll have to write NASA just to be sure.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm creating a new word, zooxed, and it means excited.
-Jarod Kintz
I was on a date once, and the girl thought I was too good to be true. She asked me if I wasn't really an axe murderer. Of course I'm not an axe murderer, I replied. Axes are much too messy for my style. I prefer suffocating my victims. You should have seen the look on her face. She couldn't speak; she was breathless, but not as breathless as later on that night when I had to get rid of her because she had become a liability.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm a walking erection, I don't need Viagra. I've got enough blood flowing through my penis to feed an army of mesquitos.
-Jarod Kintz
I love forward women who can also cook. My ex girlfriend said before our first date, "you bring the semen and I'll bring the eggs." Now that's my kind of omelette.
-Jarod Kintz
For all of this sex talk my penis is remarkebly detached.
-Jarod Kintz
If I could read minds, and travel through thought, I'd need a telepathport.
-Jarod Kintz
Another useless thought at the REM level. "93% of the world might as well be 95%, because who cares about that 2% of the population anyways?"
-Jarod Kintz
life has a way of putting life into perspective, but not the same way as death has a way of putting life into perspective.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd love to catch you on a good day. I'd love to catch you when you fall. I'd love to catch your vomit with my face, as I make my way down the hall.
-Jarod Kintz
Sure, goats can be fun. But many great men have fallen from grace from enjoying a goat with their son.
-Jarod Kintz.
I'd have loved it if you vomited in my face because I was starving. But if I had eaten, I'd have vomited your vomit, which is a terrible waste. So it worked out for the best.
-Jarod Kintz
There was once a mighty cigarette who killed many men. And on the other side of the world there was a match that had burned many men. And on that fateful day that they met in a smokey bar, the cigarette knew he had finally met his match. And I think you can figure out the moral of the story: never steal from a vegetable, even if you are the gardener and it's his garden.
-Jarod Kintz