time spent alone is best spent with other people. who needs marriage when depression doubles as a screaming significant other? you can have a party with all the mad characters in this insane play, but the leading man will always be jack daniels.
I can relate to spoon. Refer to "Hey, diddle, diddle, The cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed To see such sport, And the dish ran away with the spoon." Most of those words mean something different now than they used to...
These comics are very philosophic. My friend, Red, told me about a man named Xerxes Yellow, who is a philosopher only interested in the green. Money that is. He sells "Knowcones", shaved ice that have been frozen while wise words played over a speaker in the freezer. Yellow asserts that a person can "soak up" the wisdom obtained through the frozen water. My advice: Don't eat Yellow's Knowcones. -Jarod Kintz
this picture reminds me of the time I was locked in my closet for weeks with nothing to wear but the pants on my back. I had no food so I ate those pants, with my legs still in them. But now I am just rolling through life on my wheelchair. Full of energy, and a healthy fear of closets. And moths. -Jarod Kintz
I didn't ask for directions, but the man with four arms felt obliged to smile and point anyway. It was only when he asked for a hug that I got a little worried. But I politely declined, shook his hands, and skidaddled on my way. -Jarod Kintz
When I told my friends that I was taking a class in basket weaving, they all said it was a waste of time. Well I used my hair as my first project and now I don't have to carry a purse. I have now given up shaving to create a matching wallet.
I like friends that agree with me and wisely say nothing when I am upset. Friends willing to help me in my time of need. Friends who would gladly give me the shirt off their back (preferably a current fashion) and not say one word about it. That's why I hang out with mannequins. -Jarod Kintz
Last night my band and I rocked out all night. I played air guitar nonstop until my fingers bled. Then I did some finger painting on the cave wall where I live. -Jarod Kintz
Barron the bear, who used to be my proctologist, always used to ask me if there was fur in my stool. When I answered yes, I got scared. He told me not to worry, just to tell my girlfriend to shave, that's all. -Jarod Kintz
I went to an opera last night. Instead of seats, there were beds. Best sleep I've ever had. Only the guy next to me kept stealing the blankets. -Jarod Kintz
Fighting with your boyfriend is like the flu. It leaves you with puffy eyes, a runny nose and a sore throat, plus the only cure is a little bit of time and TLC.
Death starts when life ends. But when life starts, what ends? Maybe it's some game show where you have to choose something behind three closed doors. Next time I'm knocking first, and if my dad answers, I'm out of there. -Jarod Kintz
I have a friend who's always looking for sex. He keeps finding it in between the couch cushions. That's where I loose my change, so I guess I'm paying for him to get laid. -Jarod Kintz
I always keep a spare set of keys in a spare set of pants that are folded up and stuffed in my wallet in case I lose either my pants or my keys or both, as I did yesterday while enjoying myself at the petting zoo. -Jarod Kintz
When it comes to committment men would rather be tied up than tied down. They think of it as being committed to an institution where devotion is the sedetive and sex is like the weekly trip to the doctor.
After driving fourteen hours strait yesterday, I threw out my back. Then I got pulled over. I can't believe the how expensive the fines are for littering. -Jarod Kintz
I like wearing my magic pants to the bar. They bring me luck with the ladies. I bought them from some emperor guy. Most people can't see them. -Jarod Kintz
Everyday is Halloween for me. Asking strange people for candy and then aggressively searching their pockets is what I call amusing. More people need to carry candybars in their wallets. -Jarod Kintz
Dear Renaldo, Thanks for your inquiery into my success with my magic pants. While it is true I do get snickers and scoffs from the ladies at the size of my, um, member, I have learned a valuable lesson. It's a simple matter of ratio. A two inch penis (I'm not trying to brag) is not impressive to a five foot six girl. But it is a behemoth to a woman of dwarfish stature. Best of luck in your cinematic endeavers. P.S. Did the emperor sell you any magic condoms by any chance? -Jarod KIntz
Larry, Was this dove wearing a trenchcoat and flashing older gentlemen. If Yes, you met Heinrich. And yes, those magic comdoms are safe. Unless you ate them. Oh god, Larry, please tell me you didn't eat the condoms? Very Concerned, Jarod Kintz
Wendy A.K.A Larry, I guess beef's not just for dinner, it's now for foreplay, huh? He should be fine. But he doesn't sound like a Saint, does he? -Jarod Kintz
On second thought, lets not get rid of condoms. That would be a silly idea, on par with getting rid of poor people. And we can't just get rid of poor people... can we? -Jarod Kintz
I like blue shirts, especially when they are green. But not on me. But I am color blind, so what do I know. I do like gray shirts, I think. A color is a concept, and that's all I know. I am glad I can see concepts, all though I am concept blind too. Everything is also black and white to me. -Jarod Kintz
Everything is black, white and red to me. Although not in the communist sense of the word. Although I have no problem with red communists, I prefer them pink. -Jarod Kintz
How do you know about communism? Are you former K.G.B? The revolution needs you. We will attack city hall next week. Can you handle a weapon? How are you with dental floss? I am great. I've won many awards and a plaque or two. That's no lie, that's the tooth. Bring the sausage to show your loyalty. -Jarod Kintz
Well not only am I good for the sausage but i've got a few links. I am not so good with dental floss but my weapon od choice is dishwashing detergent. Never underestimate the power of a clean fork.
I just got back from visiting my uncle and his family in Kentucky. If they had a million dollars for every tooth tey had, they's have a milion dollars. You can buy a lot of floss with a million dollars. At least two packages I think. Let me check my math...yep, two. -Jarod
I wonder when the housing bubble is going to burst? I hate gum. I'm tired of living in a bubble anyway. I'd rather live in a housing tube. But not a fallopian tube, that's just nasty. -Jarod Kintz
I am both a miner and a proctologist. The rocks you get from this quandary is a polished puzzle that smells like money. And I would know, I wipe my ass with foreign currency. -Jarod Kintz
When a lawyer dies, it can be a real laws to society. To have loved and lawst is true justice. But I'll never cry over a lawyer. I'd most likely piss over him. -Jarod Kintz
King Arthirteen and the twelve knights of the round table. They were all poisened by a man named Grail at what is now being called the laced supper. -Jarod Kintz
I love riding in a car packed with people from another country. Especially if that country is Mexico. How do you say Chinese fire drill in spanish? -Jarod Kintz
I like sitting on strange people's sofas looking spaced out. It's even better if I am not wearing any pants and chewing on loose pieces of baloney that I found in between the cushions. -Jarod Kintz
Our love was a leper of a flower, a bicycle with no petals. The time we shared was like the handlebars that weren't there. And the car crash that was the breakup was inevitable. And this wheelchair with one wheel that I now sit upon is like my future as a bachelor. The thing you did to me that I hated so much is the one thing I now need desperately: somebody to push me around. -Jarod Kintz
I played a solo air guitar concert last night for a bunch of deaf people. I have never seen people more pissed off in my life. Maybe I was playing too loud for them, or I was just out of tune, but they attacked me screaming at me with their angry fingers. -Jarod Kintz
I don't recommend packaging large amounts of people into small boxes, unless you are just overnighting them. But only then if you get a delivery confirmation signed by G.I. Joe. Mathilda the warrior king agrees that this is the best method for shipping troups quickly. And don't worry about insurance on that package, with all those warrior people stuffed in there, it is fairly safe. Unless you accidentally pack the bombs inside with the men, then I would definitely go with the insurance, and NOT the delivery confirmation. That is, unless Joe says it's OK to do both. Our defence funds are quite tight, you know. -Jarod Kintz
If you find a pair of panties in your friend's sofa, is it fair game to sniff them? Even when you hid some thongs in the icecream to save the freshness? What if your friend eats the ice cream, and breaks your Tonka truck, and does not offer to buy you some new lengerie in payment? And who brought the fish with the afro? These and other questions I intend to answer while I walk my kangaroo off a cliff. -Jarod Kintz
So you're the one who ratted me out. I knew there was a certain look in his eyes the day after the orgy with the farm animals. I could tell he knew. I've seen that look before in him. It was in vietnam, when he used to solicit sex from the officers. A combination of loathing and pure lust. But that was nothing to the vietnamese artist I came across. He liked to paint with his hair. Only he was bald, so the canvases were blank. He was always trying to get the officers toupee for his pieces. Arthur eventually would barter his sexual services for one of these blank canvases. But me and Mathilda defaced it by urinating all over it. We then sold it back to the artist for the princely sum of his father, Twan. -Jarod Kintz
Who told you of the banana trick? And Twan loved Arthurs fingers. But not as much as my nimble fingers. I have long fingers like a pianist, that's why I play the drums. Plus, Mathilda and I plan on using those sticks with you on our honeymoon. So where do you want to go? Mathilda has his heart set on taking over Vegas. that way, we get a tax break because we comingle business with pleasure. We're in the business of war. War and bananas. They go hand in hand. Or, hand in ass as Arthur likes it. He's such a slut. I can't believe he told you about Twan. I bet he was also bragging to you about my huge cock. What'd he tell you, three inches? I would go along with that, but you are going to find out soon enough. He's just jealous, that's all. It's three and a half. In fact, when all three of us are together, we have damn near eight inches of dick. But that is neither her nor there, or anywhere except in vietnam, where Arthur should have left Twan if Mathilda had anything to do with it. Did Arthur tell you anything about the mangoes? -Jarod Kintz
Young country woman who tends to get around : Bobbie Bo Jobs. Single man who loves his right hand : Jack Constantine Ugly man who thinks he's hot : Hylin Ieve Girl who always falls for the wrong guys : Lauren Zimpel
Larry, If two people meet at the park and each brings something of value to a relationship, can there be a date set up? If I buy the dinner, I must use a coupon. I like my discounts. I'm a Wal Mart shopper. At three thirty in the morning, you meet some very interesting people in the parking lot. There are so many obese people in the world, especially at Wal-Mart, which is why I park in the farthest spot away from the door, so that I can get my exorcize. Nobody does business with a fat man, unless it is his wallet that is bulging, which mine will be. -Jarod Kintz
RoRoUrBoat, I just did a load of laundry, and I washed all of my socks. There is nothing better than doing laundry while you are working. The dogs can track you if your socks smell funny. A watchdog goes blind when his nose isn't working. I don't think a dog is man't best friend. I think an albino donkey is. People go crazy for their albino donkey. But only a purebred albino donkey. It has to be pure-strait from the jungle where men are monkeys, and dogs don't bite the hands that feed them. Capitolism is great for raising pets. It was harder to domesticate animals in a communist society. -Jarod Kintz
Jarod, I just drank my morning coffee, and I take it with lots of cream and sugar. Some beans are stronger than others. This new hurricane is going to get lots of people wet. I am bringing an umbrella. -Larry
Larry, Yes, lots of people are going to get drenched. But I wear a wetsuit in the shower, and I sleep with an introveted umbrella. She never opens up to me, and I never tell her anything either. Some coffee is stronger than others, the same with people. If you stare at a map of the earth too long, you start thinking you can see the whole world at a glance. Never forget that the shortest distance betwen two points is a strait line, except if that line is the border to Mexico-even with this new storm coming. -Jarod Kintz
I talked to Jesse earlier today, and he said his mother grounded him for sassing her. Are we still meeting at the tree fort tonight at nine? Do you know if Randall has the binary laser defribulator? -Jarod Kintz
To Susie: Remember when we met at the sandbox last thursday? You said you liked my Tonka truck. I said I liked your slippers. Then you threw sand in my face and called me a pervert. -Jarod Kintz
Grandmother is coming over tonight, and you know how she likes to comb my hair after my bath. And the wallpapering is next week. Mathilda is out sacking San Fransisco, and we'll need his tools to tear down the central wall and comingle the space. I picked up this fabulous pink rug at Target today that will really represent our anarchiscic goals as a group. Thanks for reminding me about the detangler, without it she rips out patches of hair she pulls so hard. It seems Sue uses eveerybody for her own sexual deviant ends. Did I leave my Retractable Pentabloorian underneath your sofa last night? -JArod Kintz
Fucking Jarod Kintz. We had a conversation about corn and he thought I was talking about aliens. He asked me if I knew why crop circles weren't squares. When I said I didn't know, he got so angry he pissed all over my new rug. Luckily for me I stole it. -Maurice McFeces
I just got back from visiting my uncle and his family in Kentucky. If they had a million dollars for every tooth they had, they's have a milion dollars. You can buy a lot of floss with a million dollars. At least two packages I think. Let me check my math...yep, two. -Jarod Kintz
So I take it that you also buy the conspiracy theory of Lee Harvery Oswald not acting alone? And yes, most of us are all alone, with the exception of those individuals blessed with multiple personality disorder. I suscribe to many conspiracy theories by the way. And so do I. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wonder what being a cannibal and eating a cryogenically frozen person must be like. Just pop it into the microwave and dig in. -Jarod Kintz
Question and answer with Jarod Kintz: Q.I feel sorry for the clown, after all he's a clown! You could probably get a piece of ass walking out your front door.
A.Or wouldn't it be cool if they made doors out of nice pieces of ass? Then I could just ram myself into the front door.
As that famous pedophile, Alan Ginsberg, might have said, a pedophile, from the root pedophilia, which is broken into pedo and phelia, pedo meaning literally candy in Greek, and phelia which means distributor. So next time a strange guy comes up to you saying he's got some candy in his car, and your older friends say he's a pedophile, go ahead, follow him to his car. -Jarod Kintz
I’m going to tell you a little story, Mr. Boo. It’s about a little boy who always dreamed of being a world record holder. Yet no matter how many query letters he sent out to Guinness Book of World Records he was always turned down. But that didn’t deter him. He kept training, and kept writing those emails. And after thousands of broken dishes, and sore spines from the weight of one too many bowling balls on the back of Mr. Fizzlebush, he finally might have a world record. You see, that little boy is me, and to the best of my knowledge, this is the world’s longest cohesive comment known to man. It’s the Great Wall of China of comments. This could probably be seen from space. But I’ll have to write NASA just to be sure. -Jarod Kintz
I was on a date once, and the girl thought I was too good to be true. She asked me if I wasn't really an axe murderer. Of course I'm not an axe murderer, I replied. Axes are much too messy for my style. I prefer suffocating my victims. You should have seen the look on her face. She couldn't speak; she was breathless, but not as breathless as later on that night when I had to get rid of her because she had become a liability. -Jarod Kintz
I love forward women who can also cook. My ex girlfriend said before our first date, "you bring the semen and I'll bring the eggs." Now that's my kind of omelette. -Jarod Kintz
Another useless thought at the REM level. "93% of the world might as well be 95%, because who cares about that 2% of the population anyways?" -Jarod Kintz
I'd love to catch you on a good day. I'd love to catch you when you fall. I'd love to catch your vomit with my face, as I make my way down the hall. -Jarod Kintz
I'd have loved it if you vomited in my face because I was starving. But if I had eaten, I'd have vomited your vomit, which is a terrible waste. So it worked out for the best. -Jarod Kintz
There was once a mighty cigarette who killed many men. And on the other side of the world there was a match that had burned many men. And on that fateful day that they met in a smokey bar, the cigarette knew he had finally met his match. And I think you can figure out the moral of the story: never steal from a vegetable, even if you are the gardener and it's his garden. -Jarod Kintz
There was once a mighty cigarette who killed many men. And on the other side of the world there was a match that had burned many men. And on that fateful day that they met in a smokey bar, the cigarette knew he had finally met his match. And I think you can figure out the moral of the story: never steal from a vegetable, even if you are the gardener and it's his garden. Another moral of the story might be to not hang out in bars with man eating cigarettes and fire breathing pieces of wood. -Jarod Kintz
to the best of my knowledge, it occurred to me that Citi Bank does not have a corporate mascot. And I feel a company of your girth and length has got to have a mascot. But it's got to be something better than just a walking credit card, or one of the Presidents on any denomination of dollars. No, you need something that represents your company. When I think of banks, I think of little pink piggy banks. And when I think of little pink piggies, I think of little green frogs. And when I think of little green frogs, I think of Mr. Fizzlebush, who loves eating frogs. So I think it's only natural that Mr. Fizzlebush be your company mascot. And who better to wear the costume of a small cat (Mr. Fizzlebush is a Bombay) than his majesty Juan Carlos of Spain. And there's no better Juan Carlos impersonator than myself (people tell me I look just like him). So I'd like to play the part of Juan Carlos masquerading as Mr. Fizzlebush, who's representing Citi Bank. But if I do this favor for you, you've got to promise to reduce the interest rate on my credit card. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
It is very pleasing to me to hear that you are a growing worldwide producer of gold. I was wondering how you produce the gold? I know that farmers have produce that they grow, but surely you don't grow the gold, do you? Or maybe you have a staff of alchemists who transform everyday scrap metal into gold. Have you ever considered trying to bottle up rainbows, and setting them in cages to trap leprechauns? Then, you'd have an endless supply of gold, as well as countless hours of entertainment at your child's next birthday party. It's just a thought, and I'm just the man to build such a contraption for you, seeing as my middle name literally means "Golden" in Latin. Well, either Golden, or greedy mouth or any other orifice of a pig. So I can help you with this. And if we can't trick the leprechauns, we can surely fool your stock holders (of which I am one, and I trick myself all the time) by dressing up Mr. Fizzlebush in all green and taking pictures to put out in your prospectus. People are often fools over gold. I wouldn't be surprised if every broker in the country doesn't have you on their hot picks of the year after we do this. I look forward to working with you. Thank you, Jarod "Golden" Kintz
The best darn thing about chicken noodle soup has gots to be the noodles. I love me some noodles, mmmmhhhmmm. Sometimes I dye my hair blonde and I gets it wet just to make it look like I'm a noodlehead. then I walk around with a bowl on my head while I feed the chickens and wish I could glue one to my scalp. Then I'd be a chicken noodle head, and mamma would be proud. Mamma aint so proud of me now, she says I’m afraid of everything. She says if Campbell's made soup cans the size of vending machines, you could cut me up and throw me in and have the best chicken noodle soup ever. Mamma's crazy, but she's right. I'd be perfect for your soup. And Mamma need money real bad right now, or else she gonna lose the farm. So I wanna sell you my body to use in your soup so that Mamma can keep the farm. How much will you pay her for me? My math aint so good, but I reckon I ought to fetch at least twenty seven dollars. Please respond directly to me, because mamma cut my head off if she knew I was writing to you like this. Your fellow noodle lover, Jarod Kintz
I always felt that I was born in the wrong century, that I should have been born in the 1800s. But that would have meant that I'd have been born by my great, great grandmother, and she was much too old to be having sex. But I always wanted to be a cowboy, but I'm allergic to cowboy boots. Every time I put some on, my whole body convulses and breaks out into line dancing. And I always wanted to own a ten-gallon cowboy hat too, but that's too much water to keep filling it up with. So I was wondering if I could get some cowboy flip flops, and a three gallon cowboy hat custom made? And does the hat come with fish, or do I have to buy those separately at the pet store? I can't wait to get my western wear, so that I can be on my way to being like John Wayne, or Billy the Kid. That's the cool thing about a cowboy: if I saw a normal person in the street with a gun, I would be skeptical. But if I saw a cowboy gun down a man outside of a bar, I wouldn't think twice, because hey, he's a cowboy. I look forward to hearing back from you soon. Best, Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I get depressed when I come home after a long day of work, possibly because I don't work and I wonder why it was such a long day. But regardless of why, I am writing to you about the what. My bed is lonely, and my comforter if useless. I am wondering if you sell talking comforters because the silence of my old one is not very comforting at all. I not only want it to talk, but moreover, I want it to be supportive. Can you program it to say a few select phrases such as "the reason you are sleeping alone is because it's very intimidating for women to be involved with a sex god," and "I love wrapping myself around you, baby. And not only are you a great cuddler, but you are a one man freak show under the sheets." I am willing to pay top dollar for this comforter. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I'd like to meet a clown named Art. I'd take him to your museum, hang him on the wall, laugh at him and leave. I believe art is not only in the product, but is also in the process. I feel that there is a place where performance art meets traditional art. This is why if I abducted a clown using only duct tape and spare unicycle parts, tossed him into my trunk, and drove down to your museum before presenting you the final piece to hang on the wall, I would not be committing a crime, because it's just a performance, right? I have a short list of potential center pieces for my work. Names like Razzles, Big Shoe, and Giggles, and I know there daily routines and what time is the most opportune for this artistic operation. I hope you'll be interested in hanging my piece at your fine museum. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I'm glad milk isn't alcoholic, because then, when little kids eat their cereal in the morning, they'd show up drunk to school. And unless they're old enough to drive, I'd tell them not to eat cereal. Also, cows would have liver problems if their milk were alcoholic. But it might make it more understandable why they throw up so much. And for me then, the ultimate alcoholic drink would be a White Russian. But an alcoholic milk might be just what this country needs. Do you think you can come out with an alcoholic milk? Maybe instead of feeding the cows grass, you could feed them booze. I think your demographic would shift slightly. No longer would milk be for the kids, but it would also be for the lonely. And nobody's lonelier than my buddy Brody. You could use him in your new ad campaigns, and use the slogan, "Milk, it does a Brody good." Let me know what you think. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
You guys are the royalty of the racquets, the crown of the court, the emperor of the fuzzy yellow balls, so maybe you can help me clear something up. Even though I don't play tennis all that much, I find that I suffer from tennis elbow on my on my forehead, and I can't wear a hat because it gets in the way. Is this strange growth a byproduct of a defective serve? Should I stretch more before I play? I hope you guys can tell me how to fix my tennis elbow-forehead, because I'm playing Mr. Boo next weekend, and I have to be ready. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Trust. What is it? How does one obtain it? Your company is the epitome of trust, and it's not that I don't think you're untrustworthy, because I do. I just can't trust myself to trust you when I'm with you, even when I'm all alone at my computer. I like my solitude at my computer like a cat likes sleep, and your mouse makes me feel comfortable when I'm writing. In fact, I find comfort with all your computer products. So is a feeling of comfort the same as a feeling of trust? If so, then I guess I do find trust in you. But I can honestly say that if comfort is trust, I don't trust you enough to sleep with you. I'm sorry, you're just not there yet. Best, Jarod Kintz
Hello, my name is Jarod, but my friends call me Pretzelboy. Not because I'm particularly flexible, but because they always forcibly shove me into the oven. But they always take me out before it gets too hot in there. Good friends like mine are hard to find. They do all of this, they say, because of the way I talk. You see, I long to have a pretzel for a tongue. It'd be like a puzzle in my mouth, a constant tongue twister. Sadly though, my tongue is not a pretzel. But that's precisely why I consume so many pretzels. I'm always stuffing my mouth with them, and then trying to carry on conversations with people, or just by myself. I'm constantly working on my language skills. And it's because I'm fanatical about pretzels, and am a master orator (if I may be so bold in saying so), that I feel I'd be the ultimate public relations spokesperson for Rold Gold. I want to come work for you. Thank you, Jarod "Orator" Kintz
My buddy, Pete Blankenhorn, just informed me that you have a guarantee from your president, Andy Puzder, that says, "If you don't agree with me that these are the best tasting burgers you can get anywhere, just let me know and I'll happily refund your money.” Well, we used to think that they were the best tasting burgers until we tried Bubba Burgers. Now Pete, whose brain is like a calculator, except that there is no square root function button anywhere on his forehead, calculated the accumulated cost for both me and him, of over two years worth of Thickburgers everyday, at well over a thousand dollars. And I think Pete would want his half of the money in small, unmarked bills delivered in a briefcase by a woman wearing red panties. As for me, I'll take my 500 dollars in the form of small, unmarked panties worn by women delivering briefcases full of money. I hope to hear back from you on this, and you hold up your companies guarantee. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I recently saw one of your coupons for a free sandwich, and on the coupon it said: coupon not for sale. This confused me since the coupon is taking the place of money in getting the sandwich, and therefore must be exactly the same price as the value of the sandwich. And I know, for example, that if I have a dollar, I can legally trade that for another dollar from anybody I want to. But ok, your store, your rules. But can I take that coupon, get the sandwich, and then turn around and take it to the street corner where I have a vending cart set up and resell it? It's my sandwich, you gave it to me. Do you guys mind if I park my truck in the back of your lot and set up shop tomorrow during lunch? Please get back to me on this, your sandwiches will make me quite a bit of extra cash. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
My buddy, Pete Blankenhorn, just informed me that you have a guarantee from your president, Andy Puzder, that says, "If you don't agree with me that these are the best tasting burgers you can get anywhere, just let me know and I'll happily refund your money.” Well, we used to think that they were the best tasting burgers until we tried Bubba Burgers. Now Pete, whose brain is like a calculator, except that there is no square root function button anywhere on his forehead, calculated the accumulated cost for both me and him, of over two years worth of Thickburgers everyday, at well over a thousand dollars. And I think Pete would want his half of the money in small, unmarked bills delivered in a briefcase by a woman wearing red panties. As for me, I'll take my 500 dollars in the form of small, unmarked panties worn by women delivering briefcases full of money. I hope to hear back from you on this, and I also hope that you hold up your companies guarantee. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I think that peanut butter is the greatest invention ever. It's much more important to me than say, the light bulb, for example. In fact, I wish light bulbs were made out of peanut butter. That way, when I go to spread grape jelly on the bulbs, like I do now, it won't smoke and start to emit foul odors. But a person can't live off of just eating peanut butter any more than one can sustain themselves on light bulbs. No, one needs a compliment item, like jelly, or lamps to complete the meal. And just like you can't eat your neighbor's lamp, neither can you eat all their peanut butter. I think that everyone is entitled, as Americans, to get to enjoy peanut butter every day. That's why I feel that part of our taxes should go to a peanut butter fund, so that no man, woman, or child has to go without peanut butter. I feel so strongly about this that I'm leading a march in Washington, to petition our government to adopt my policy. Peanut butter equals happiness. And that means that our Constitution states that men have the right to pursue peanut butter. Will you join me in my march in or nations capitol? I look forward to seeing you there. Yours truly, Jarod Kintz
I'm fascinated by monolithic structures. Monolithic, meaning one lithic, because what the hell are you supposed to do with two lithics? If you do have more than one, maybe you should put on a cloak and engage in strange activities during summer solstace. -Jarod Kintz
I like your pun, but introversion far from a bad thing, therefore your pun is incorrect. http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch I know that website is great because I am an introvert.
Door-to-door vacuum salesman: My all time favorite band is The Tubes. And, just like my vacuum tubes at home, I'd love to have dirty sex with all of them. -Jarod Kintz
Brothel madam: There is no self-serv in the brothel usiness. We service you. And you know, a prostitute doesn't sell her goods, she sells her services. Or, to put it differently, a prostitute doesn't sell her goods, she sells her bads. And she'll never take the good with the bad, she'll only take the bad with the naughty.
Grandma Swellz: If my feet were egos, they'd be swollen bigger than Donald Trump's head, and just as hairy too.
Maintennence guy: I don't measure the length of my relationships in months or years. I measure them by how many rolls of duct tape I use. So I'm a little kinky with the tape?
Buffet owner: My marriage was like a buffet, but my wife ran off on me and took all the plates. I don't know why either. If girth were greatness, I'd be Alexander. and I'd have conquered the known world of food.
Trish, the Dishwasher: Each plate I wash represents a moment in my mind. Thus, the dirtier the plates, the dirtier my mind. And I have a filthy mind. Oh, and that rumor that all the male servers are spreading, "Don't fudck Trish, she stinks like fish," well, people have been known to live a long time only eating fish everyday. -Jarod Kintz
I am a sponge and you are the hand. I'll let you squueze me, but not until I go dry. Also, try not to rub me the wrong way.
Psychiatrist: You only think I'm listening to you, but the truth is the voices in my head are yelling way too loud for me to even hear you.
Taxi Driver: They should put road signs on sidewalks, so that these crazy pedestrians would learn how to walk. I'm the best driver in Dade county by far. If you're just going around the block, or if you want to run over to your buddy's house, I'm your man. I'll run you over--twice. Then I'll throw you in the swamp and let the gators dispose of you.
Manicurist: I'll give you a five finger discount, if you only have one hand.
Barber: Birds find shiny-headed bald men easier to shit on, and so do I. I hate bald men. They are genetically disposed to immunity from my business. If baldness was a sign of courage, I'd rather hang out with a pack of cowards. I can tall a lot about a person's character from their hair and how they style it. That's why I find that bald men have no character. You want to know the value of baldness? Take the tire, for example. Once it gets bald, what do you do? You get rid of it, that's what. A bald tire is a dangerous tire. It's the same with men. -Jarod Kintz
I've always wanted to have sex at the speed of sound. Not like in a supersonic jet, but like going so fast it takes me about .000003 seconds to finish. And of course I've always wanted to hear a woman have an orgasm as loud as a sonic boom. -Jarod Kintz
Craziest place Mr. Fu ever have sex is house of mirrors. So crazy to Mr. Fu to jack off in front of all these mirrors. So freaky all these Chinamen watching Mr. Fu. But only Mr. Fu watching Mr. Fu jack off. Hmmmm Mr. Fu need to go back, only this time he take blindfold, make sex with self kinkier, and block out all the crazy Chinamen watching. -Jarod Kintz
Mr. Fu once talk himself out of date because he too cheap to buy himself dinner. Mr. Fu wouldn't even buy Mr. Fu egg roll. So Mr. Fu no jack off Mr. Fu that night. -Jarod Kintz
I wish credit cards weren't little slivers of plastic, but were in fact people, like bankers, for example. Now that'd be a really strong motivator to get me to cut up my credit card.
Hate cars, not hitch hikers. If I ever see a hitch hiker, I always try to pick him up. Or at the very least i try to give him a piggyback ride into town.
If there were a cow the size of Texas, who would milk her? Hopefully some utter fool from Oklahoma would utter, "I will." But he'd better do it Sooner rather than later because I have a craving for an Oreo the size of Rhode Island. -Jarod Kintz
Let the insanity in your mind be like the waves in the ocean. Let your thoughts ripple across your body and enjoy them. And try not to think about how some of your insights are bitter and acidic, like urine in the current. Hey, nobody ever said the waters of madness were warm. -Jarod Kintz
Used Car Salesman: I think I know this asshole. Before I sold used cars, I sold used horses. Mostly to glue factories. Yeah, now it's coming back to me. I sold him that horse. That's a thoroughbred if I remember correctly. I think I jacked off all over the saddle. Wait, let me think about that. Ummm. Yep, sure did.
Door-to-door Vacuum Salesman: That Jarod, he's a funny son of a gun. I'd love to show him my vacuum cleaner and then let him suck me off.
Sometimes i wonder how she got into my thoughts through my pants. Then I remember that on that night I was walking around with my pants wrapped around my head.
Struggling Author: I love Jarod. He taught me a valuable life lesson once. He sat me down and told me, "Writing, like masturbation, is better when your mind is working faster than your hand." I never forgot that, and now I jack off all the time when I have writers block. And it usually helps me write. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes, when I'm playing with my Legos and I can't find a certain piece, I get sad as I start reflecting on all the friends I've lost over the years. But then I cheer up, because I know that if I just keep on looking, then I'll surely find them in one of my huge storage bins along with the rest of my Legos.
Sometimes I like to feed my goldfish. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have to replace my goldfish.
Sometimes I like to feed my goldfish. Sometimes I like to feed my fish gold. Sometimes I make jewelry out of my fish. Sometimes I feed my jewelry. But sometimes I flush my jewelry down the toilet.
Do bricks ponder their own mortarality?
My neighbor is as stupid as a cinder block for letting me throw him through his own car windshield.
Sometimes I like to ponder the meaning of life for a few minutes, or at least until the microwave timer goes off for the popcorn.
Two foreheads are better than one.
I'd like to meet a midget named Chip. We'd become best friends and be inseperable. I'd carry Chip around on my shoulder.
The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago. -Jarod Kintz
Does smoking really stunt your growth? If so, then now it all makes sense. The only reason I started smoking in the first place was because of peer pressure. All I used to hang out with was midgets, and they all smoked. So now I can see that cigarettes really can stunt a person's growth. Physically and mentally. They never grew up. Just last week they tried to destroy my tree fort. -Jarod Kintz
This book (E-mails from a Madman) bends the rules with what's normal and what's abnormal. Is there a fine line? Or is it as blurry as my vision while I'm driving in my car (deer fear me). I'll let you decide for yourself. Muahahahaha (crazy laugh). -Jarod "The Madman" Kintz
In the darkness of night, he rolled over in his bed he lovingly reached out for her hand. Smiling to himself he thought, At the first light of dawn, I'll have to go look for the rest of the body and decide where to dispose of it. -Jarod Kintz
In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I'd like to tell him thanks for not pulling out when I needed him the most: conception. -Jarod Kintz
I like those nervous first dates where I try to sneak in random physical contact. Like softly grazing my collar bone against her tibea. Or maybe "accidentally" tapping my elbow on her forehead.
I love the scent of a woman, especially when she is siting on my face.
My friend has had sex with half the women in this city. I think he had sex with the lower half of all the women. -Jarod Kintz
The Mad Scientist: I need three female volunteers for a little experiment I'm conducting. I'm going to try to measure the reflexes of the male mouth. I want to see how fast on average it takes a man to smile after seeing a perfect pair of boobies. Who wants to help me conduct this? -Jarod Kintz
The Mad Scientist: It was a rough night of heated passion. There were broken lamps, clothes thrown everywhere, and there was semen carelessly dripping from the test tubes. -Jarod Kintz
Door-to-door vacuum salesman: Rufus stood, slouching in the doorway, his eyes looking down at the scuff marks on his white shoes. He couldn't bare to look at the deflated ego of the vacuum bag on the machine he loved so much. He knew what he'd done was unforgivable. Rufus had been with another vacuum, and he knew that their relationship was stained worse than Mothers living room carpet after Hoover had first ruptured Rufus' spleen. -Jarod Kintz
My Heart is a Sink, a Place of Purity, yet You Shat on it. I've been crying ever since you cheated on me with that blonde haired bimbo named Roger. I've burned everything you've ever given me, except for the jewelry, because jewelry isn't flamable. And I didn't burn the Jimmy Choos, because I'm not about to burn my feet for you. I guess the only thing I really burned was your mother's house. She's the one who introduced you to Roger in the first place. I hear the firemen found her duct taped to the ceiling of the living room. They said she's burned pretty badly. I feel terrible about that. I should have duct taped her to the gas cans. Oh, by the way, I changed my number so it'd be harder for you to contact me. But then I just got done spray painting it on your mercedes, so you should find it pretty easily in the morning. Give me a call sometime. But don't let me put out the flame on your new romance. You know I'm one who likes to let things burn. I'd like to introduce Roger's skull to a sledge hammer. Heroes: My mother, for being so strong. She's the one who held that bitch up while I duct taped her to the ceiling. -Jarod Kintz
Lex, the Eccentric: My love was a tapestry that you hung in your stone castle of a heart, before you viciouslyripped it down and burned it. About: Itchy dick, bleeding chicken strapped to a metal frame and hung on the wall, record player/microwave oven: music never tasted so fresh, the taste buds and ear drums are controlled by the same Druidian dwarf located in the medula oblongada. Who I'd like to meet: I'd like to meet a turtle who has a castle for a shell, who spends his days hiding and protecting himself by swimming in the moat that is built around his castle shell, because I can relate to that turtle. Don't flip me on my back and spin me. It's not funny to me. General: Hot chocolate waffles, the world is like a pancake: flat, and Columbus actually died by falling off the edge of the world into the syrrupy abyss. Music: The buzzing of gnats, coupled with the rhythmic ringing in my ears. Television: One night, in a rare enlightened moment, I thought my remote control was a sledge hammer, and that it worked by throwing it against the screen when I wanted to turn the TV off. I was right. Heroes: The first man who chews off his own legs before winning the Boston Marathon. I'd like to shake his hand (but I'll wait a few days after the race, since he ran the whole way on his hands).
Rich, the Musician: Music is mental masturbation that is best enjoyed under your best friend's bed. About: Every octave is an orgasm for the ears. Every song is a beautiful orgy of notes. If music appretiation were an erection, I'd be John Holmes.
Advertising/window washer: I'm not afraid of hypes.
Poetic Pervert: I scribble poetry in women's panties. I have the most erotic smelling poetry you'll ever read. With or without your permission, I'll take your panties to make a submission. I've submitted my poetry to Victoria's secret, Maxim, and even Playboy, with no success. If I were an editor, I'd love to get a pair of panties in the mail. General: Poetry, pilfering panties, pilows, porno, platitudes, pising, procrastination, product placement, pleasant people, pink and purple
If, instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs for fingers, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could run my fingers thru his hair.
Mr. Excitement: I'll be in the other room sleeping if you need me. About: My friends (Tony and Raul) call me Mr. Excitement. Have you ever tried whipping your head from left to right really fast as you try to take in the whole scene? well, my life's like that. It's a blur. It feels like everyday I wake up only to go back to sleep. But that's cool because i sleep naked. And nakedness is freedom. So I'm living my life on my own terms, and on my own mattress (well, actually it's tony's, but he lent it to me years ago and forgot about it). I'm the only person I know who has slept throgh a firedrill. Apparently, I pulled the alarm. Yeah, I sleepwalk. Sometimes I sleep run. I was asleep when I ran the Boston Marathon. I was so tired when I finished that I slept for another sisteen hours.
Growing up, it always seemed to me that my dad had as many freckles as there are stars. And, like real stars, some of the freckles seemed to move. Shooting freckles. Years later I found out that he wasn't really my father, but was in fact a planetarium. -Jarod Kintz
I'm the only person I know who has slept throgh a fire drill. Apparently, I pulled the alarm. Yeah, I sleepwalk. Sometimes I sleep run. I was asleep when I ran the Boston Marathon. I was so tired when I finished that I slept for another sixteen hours.
Underground Comedian: Yes, I'm underground, and yes, my shows are dirty. About: By day I'm a grocer, by night I'm a stand up comedian, although I do all of my shows sitting down. I'm thinking of selling produce before each show. Hell, the crowds already throw tomatoes at me, I might as well be the one who sold the produce to them. I'd like to meet an audience of armless people. That way they can't throw shit at me.
Phil, the Philosopher: My thoughts are so chiseled you might mistake me for Rodin's 'The Thinker' About: I study human nature, and I tend to look at people from a different angle. Usually, I'm looking down at them, but occasionally I might look up their skirts. Who I'd like to meet: If people were ideas, I'd love to meet the most obese man alive. I love fat thoughts that stuff my mind to capacity. I gorge myself on grandious notions all the time. General: Pondering my role in the universe, as well as how a green condom could have ended up in my green Jell-O since the only other person I live with is my grandmother. Music: Wagner, same as Nietzsche
What good is a bath that's large enough to fit an elephant, but not an elephant and a bar of soap?
I don't understand these people that go to parties and drop people's names just to seem popular. They drop names like Acid.
I heard this story about a man who saw the Loch Ness monster in Canada, but it turned out to be just a myth. Yeah, it seems that Canada doesn't really exist, and was only invented into frightening little children into being good Americans.
In the Bermuda triangle, there are three sides to every joke. I'm trying to figure out the side that gets lost on people.
I used to box a bit in the Bermuda Triangle. I lost a few rounds and to this day I can't tell you how they disappeared.
I used to work for Charmin, but they shit all over me when they fired me. -Jarod Kintz
Mr. Excitement: I'd like to meet a man who has a pillow for a face. I think we'd be best friends. One minute I'd be crying on his shoulder, and the next minute I'd be punching him in the forehead. -Jarod Kintz
I wish underwear were made out of rubber, like tires, because I don't like changing them very much.
Mannie, the Manicurist: If you only had one hand, I'd give you a five finger discount. About: To me, cuticles are like deadlines--you've got to keep pushing them back so they don't get in the way. fingernails are like children. They grow on you. Nobody likes to take care of other people's children, but I love taking care of other people's nails. I live for it. It's also my hobby. I collect fingernails from every city I visit. I keep them in glass jars that I hide throughout my house. Then, when a jar gets full, I'll take the jar and grind up all the nails into fine powder that I use in my chili sauce that I enter in the state fair every year. Several of the judges are my clients. Of course I keep the ingredients a secret. I'd like to meet: If all the trees in America were giant fingernails, I'd like to meet Paul Bunyon and form a business partnership with him. General: I don't file paperwork very well, but i can sure file fingernails with the best of them. Usually, the first thing I'll notice about a person is their nails. Unless they are wearing no pants, then, if they are also wearing no shoes, I tend to notice their toenails first. Music: Nine Inch Nails: I'd love to trim Trent Reznor!
Laughter, like a box of cookies, is best shared with your friends. Unless you have fat friends, because they really shouldn't be eating cookies.
I want to live in a house where laughter fills the halls. I want there to be so much laughter that I have to rent a storage unit to put the kids in because there is simply no other place for them.
Laughter is a large part of my life. It takes the form of my obese boss, Jennifer, who I enjoy laughing at.
It's easy to treat all your friends equally when you only have one friend. It also makes it much easier to shoot your friends. -Jarod Kintz
Used Car Salesman: Listen, Pal, I'm sorry the car I sold you broke down. Really I am *yawns* but what can I tell ya? That "contract" I had you sign was my divorce papers from that broad I called my wife. Yeah, I didn't have the balls to sign it. Life's rough, son. Why don't you come by the lot on Tuesday and check out the new beater, I mean Beamer I have. The car I sold you had three wheels, this one has four. Top of the line German engineering with this beaut. Come on by and have a looksee. I think you'll be impressed. I'll even cut you a deal just for being my most respected *rolls eyes* customer. -Jarod Kintz
Mannie, the Manicurist: Heroes: For their strength and their courage to go where others couldn't, I've always looked up to my mother's fingernails. My fingernails won't let me watch TV. They start scratching at my eyeballs everytime I turn it on. -Jarod Kintz
Door-to-door vacuum salesman: Keep the tunes rocking, my good man. I listen to you above the whirring sounds of my vacuum cleaner. When me and my girl (my vacuum) are getting freaky, your music really puts me in the mood. Love it! -Jarod kintz
Trey, the Tree-Hugger: Trees are such good friends, they'll give you the bark off their back, even after you urinate on them. About: If there was a tree in a wheelchair, and a crippled man in a wheel barrow, I'd bury the man and push the tree around the block. I hate most people. If I could, I'd stay in the forest and make love to the trees all day long. But, out of respect for my grandmother, who I share a bedroom with, I don't do that. I'd like to meet a man who is made out of wood, who also has marshmallows for eyes, so I could chop off his limbs and use them to kindle my fire while I roasted his eyes on his stick fingers. -Jarod Kintz
Brad, the Barber: Birds find shiny heads easier to sh*t on, and so do I! About: I hate bald men! they are genetically disposed to immunity from my profession. If baldnes was a sign of courage, I'd rather hang out with a pack of cowards. I can tell a lot about a person't character from their hair and how they style it. that's why I think bald men have no character. you want to know the value of balndess? Take the tire, for example. Once it gets bald, what do you do? You get rid of it, that's what. A bald tire is a dangerous tire. It's the same with men. I'd like to meet a man with an ocean of hair, because once it recedes, you know that it's followed by a tsunami. And a man with tsunami for hair is a man who needs a haircut. Interests: I love crowded malls. I love bumping into people and "accidentally" nudging their heads with my chin. What I'm really doing is taking in the fragrence of their hair. My favoritte is when I sneeze on someone's head because I inhaled some dandruff. That's like the highlight of my week. Heroes: My father's toupee -Jarod Kintz
Mr. Pinchandroll: My nutsack drifves me nuts, Zach. About: I wish I had a third hand, halfway between my balls and my asshole, so that I might be able to stealthily scratch my nuts in public. I am a proud American. I love everything this country has to offer, except for public pubic waxing. I also think that freedom of expression should be extended to scrotums. Nobody likes a mouthy dick, but sometimes they spit the truth--even if it might be hard to swallow. I'd like to meet a condom that can walk dogs. That way I can heve great sex with my girlfriend with absolutely no distractions. -Jarod Kintz
Mr. Pinchandroll: Anything that gets my balls sweaty and itchy. Rubbing dirty tube socks back and forth across my balls. Sitting on strange people's sofas with my nuts tucked between their cushions. Being a diner guest and dropping my balls in the salad bowl and yelling, "Naughty lettuce, tickling my balls. Somebody stop the naughty lettuce!" Then I'll squirt ranch dressing all over my sack and rub it around to the chagrin of the other guests. Heroes: That fuzzy thing that hung on my mother's rearview mirror in her car as I was growing up. What was that thing, anyway? Oh yeah, it was my father's ball sack. -Jarod Kintz
I met a man with two last names, and no forehead. He had receding eyebrows and ketchup crusted on his eye lids. I forget what we talked about, but I sure did laugh a lot.
I met a charming man who could count all his friends on one hand. He only hung out with midgets, plus he had really large hands.
Zach, the Zookeeper: This world is a zoo, and the real animals aren't caged up, they are making laws and spending taxpayers money frivolously.
Del, the Deliveryman: You may be as greasy as a pepperoni, but you melted my heart like it was a cheese pizza.
Ralph, the Photographer: I love taking nude pictures. I take them from whomever I can. If you snap at the photographer, they probably won't snap a flattering picture of you. My best work has always been nude. If you have a problem with me working in the buff during your photo shoot, you are more than welcome to go to another photographer.
My mind is so filthy, if you brought a mop to try to clean it out, I'd tell you the easiest way to get there is through my anal cavity.
Rob, the Reporter: In journalism, the inverted pyramid is the linguistic ovary that gives birth to brevity. -Jarod Kintz
Used Car salesman: Are you in the market to buy a backseat for your car? Even if you don't need a backseat for your car, your girlfriend will appreciate you replacing your bed with a backseat. Backseats make broads horny! -Jarod Kintz
My cell phone keeps cutting out on me at crucial moments during conversations so I just got a land line phone. Some blonde haired guys installed it. I think they were from sweden because they charged me long distance installation fees.
The girl I'm in love with stopped calling me one day before she actually got my number (which I actually programmed in her phone, but she deleted it within minutes).
I used to want to live forever until I realized how many dentist appointments that would entail.
The humidity in florida always draped him like a wet diaper, and he knew it was time for a change.
If ideas were sharp flying objects, I'd hurl a few killer thoughts at you.
Here's a stimulating thought: I like women who think like me, and I like to think when I'm naked. -Jarod Kintz
Growing up I went to private school. I always used to get yelled at for not having my shirt tucked in. It always amazed me that they yelled at me for not having my shirt tucked in, and not for wearing no pants.
God gave man two legs and one tongue so that he could run twice as fast as he ran his mouth. -Jarod Kintz
Marty, the Mortician: "Everybody I work with has been dying their whole life to meet me."
"Death is like a dark cloud: It may seem threatening until you realize that it is vital for life to continue."
"Like weave to hair, death is just an extension of life."
About: People always ask me, "Is it cheaper for me and my family to die at once?" "No," T tell them. There is no group discount on death. This isn't Wal-Mortician, okay? I don't just give coupons to any stiff on the street. No, "die one get one free" deals with old Marty. It's expensive to die. But life's cheap these days, so why don't you do the affordable thing and just keep on living? That's my advice. Wait until you're financially ready before you meet the reaper, if you can. I'd like to meet a dead man named Mr. Limp, because by the time I meet him, Mr. Limp will be as stiff as they come. General: Death, riggor mortis, drawing smiley faces on dead men's penis', collecting strange objects I find in people's stomachs. One time I found a mint condition Mickey Mantle Rookie card inside of one woman's stomach. And then, in her husband's stomach, I found Mickey Mantle. So I asked him to autograph the card. Music: Dead Can Dance -Jarod Kintz
Dear Edmond, I'm deeply regret letting Renaldo and Ruprecht out of the refridgerator, because they broke into your cookie jar and ate all of your lubrication. Hope your night isn't too painful. Again, I am deeply sorry. -Jarod Kintz
I remember my Grand pappy sat me down one day and said, “In life there is no compass, you have to find your own direction. Just don't use your penis as the guiding needle.” I wondered how he knew my penis was so thin. -Jarod Kintz
I like making sand castles out of sand in hour glasses. That way, when I put a prisoner in the dungeon of the sand castle, he's a prisoner not only of space but also of time. I guess out of fear of being captured and stuffed in an hourglass, I have little enemies.
There is a code of honor among criminals that is very valuable. And only an honest man would try to steal it.
If The Mythical Mr. Boo lived in a bubble, every woman would love to take a bath with him. Not that they don't already.
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't believe in bestiality. He lost his faith when one of his goats cheated on him with another shepherd.
I believe I have faith in my belief in faith. But I only believe this because I had faith first. -Jarod Kintz
I remember my Grand pappy sat me down one day and said, "In life there is no compass, you have to find your own direction. Just don't use your penis as the guiding needle." To this day I still wonder how he knew my penis was so thin. But that’s neither here nor there, nor is it to be found in the poetry of some of the Beat writers. Or is it? Actually, I feel there is something to be said about the direction of the writing of the women within the Beat generation in relation to men, and specifically to sexuality. There was a sort of openness about it, an exploring and even flaunting of sexual ventures. The word cock appears multiple times. There’s cock on page 55 with di Prima. Then again on page 102. Then again on page 103. Before reading these poems, I hadn’t seen this much cock since I used to lounge around in the Men’s shower at the local YMCA, wearing my grandmother’s panties and dreaming about the penumbra in Ginsberg’s pants. But I loved these poems. I feel di Prima fingered my imagination like she fingered Luke’s asshole on page 55. Sure, at first I felt violated, but then I got to liking it.
I remember my Grand pappy sat me down one day and said, "In life there is no compass, you have to find your own direction. Just don't use your penis as the guiding needle." To this day I still wonder how he knew my penis was so thin. But that’s neither here nor there, nor is it to be found in the poetry of some of the Beat writers. Or is it? Actually, I feel there is something to be said about the direction of the writing of the women within the Beat generation in relation to men, and specifically to sexuality. There was a sort of openness about it, an exploring and even flaunting of sexual ventures. The word cock appears multiple times. There’s cock on page 55 with di Prima. Then again on page 102. Then again on page 103. Before reading these poems, I hadn’t seen this much cock since I used to lounge around in the Men’s shower at the local YMCA, wearing my grandmother’s panties and dreaming about the penumbra in Ginsberg’s pants. But I loved these poems. I feel di Prima fingered my imagination like she fingered Luke’s asshole on page 55. Sure, at first I felt violated, but then I got to liking it. -Jarod Kintz
So I've long thought that Neal Cassidy was as sensitive as a brick, and only slightly harder to throw through a window (he was a small man).
The green fish makes the eels slither like blue.
I helped a family of Eskimos move to the desert. But they were sad when their house, or igloo as they call it, melted. But I was happy because now we could all mud wrestle.
If I was an on air personality, I'd play air guitar solos along with the music. And my microphone would always be dripping with lubrication. -Jarod Kintz
"Mr. Fu. see you run before. You run like grandmother on opium. Remind Mr. Fu of day long ago when Mr. Fu ran opium den in San Fransisco. Oh Mr. Fu get nostalgic now." "Well, to be fair Mr. Fu, it is kind of difficult not to run like a grandmother when all I was wearing were grany panties and a Maidenform bra." -Jarod Kintz
When getting things done, it's better not good than not at all.
we went to see a movie yesterday. And by we, I mean the mythical "we." The "we" that tells the "they" what to do or say. You know, the "they” that everyone refers to when people say "they say." So it goes from us (we) to them (they) to you. And we say go see The Departed.
A true colonial man doesn't masturbate with his dominant hand, he uses his "other" hand--the weaker, more exotic and therefore erotic hand.
My favorite hobby is calling my own cell phone from other people's phones. Of course I never answer my own phone when I'm calling, because I don't like talking to myself. Only crazy people do that. Plus, it runs up my minutes.
"I'm getting married." "Congratulations! So when’s the execution, I mean wedding?"
$5.00 dollars today can buy a person what a quarter might have 50 years ago, yet amazingly, a quarter hasn't incrementally shrunk in size. -Jarod Kintz
I like to go to work dressed as a giant ladder, because people use me to get a step up in the corporate world anyway.
I like to go to parties dressed as a cow. Then I just sit in the corner and cry, and when people ask me why I'm crying I tell them it's because I'm lactose intolerant. -Jarod Kintz
If I could spend the day with anyone it would be Roseanne Barr, because two's company and three's a crowd (She has multiple personality disorder). We'd do fun things like ride elevators and try to figure out who just farted.
If I could spend the day with anyone it would be with George Washington and his wooden teeth. We'd do fun things like lead revolutions and eat termites (more so him than me). -Jarod Kintz
Yesterday my farts stunk like Fetta cheese, so after a while I started collecting them in containers to take down to the market to try to sell in the dairy section. -Jarod Kintz
Yeah I've dated a few girls who look exactly like me, and I look exactly like Mother, so you know. But relationships are partly about atmosphere, and ever since I left West Virginia it hasn't been the same. -Jarod Kintz
What's something that most people do that you've never done? Most people lie about wearing their grandmother’s panties. I’ve never done that. Lie, I mean. Of course I wear my grandmother’s panties! -Jarod Kintz
Sitting under a tree with duct tape holding a crooked crocodile by the pockets and wondering how to tape his tale to the tree. Yes, I love nonsensical fragments!
My best friend is a tree, ok? And last week he pissed me off so I burned his family--and his extended family (the whole forest) down right in front of him. He couldn't even move he was so speechless.
In my youth I wanted to open up a wig shop, because I wanted to spend the rest of my life devoted to perfecting the art of huffing artificial hair.
My neighbor is an overachieving junky. He doesn't huff gasoline, he eats gas tanks.
I love the way old books smell, although I admit it's a bit painful shoving them up my nostrils.
On the first date I could tell she wanted me because she got so nervous that she farted. But she didn't know that I was listening to her from the stall next to her. I got so excited that I peed all over the seat and the floor. -Jarod Kintz
I made a sex tape. Even fully erect, I still had to shoot it four times to get some "footage."
Meet me tonight at 10:00 in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I'll be dressed like a yellow Honda in a wheelchair, and I'll be parked (sitting) in a handicapped spot. You bring the biscuits, and I'll bring the sausage gravy. And whatever you do...Don't Tell Uncle Denny! -Jarod Kintz
Jarod asks, When the mind speaks, who listens? When the mind speaks, the mind listens, because only the mind minds what the mind says.
My explosive fell to the ground and became an active land mind.
Jarod asks, Who should get credit for writing a play: the pen, the hand, or the mind? The monkey typing on the computer.
Jarod asks, When the ears bleed words, does the tongue soak up sound? Jarod answers with a question, When the cat cries for milk, is the cow beaten and made to feel ashamed for making the cow wait?
My ex girlfriend was so loose you could fit a traffic light in her vagina. I know, because I waited about thirty minutes after I met her for the light to turn green for the go ahead on sex.
Jarod asks, What is beyond the darkness? Beyond the darkness is the shadow of a shadow of a puppet's puppet, who only plays the piano at dusk to a deaf crowd in an empty closet full of laughter.
Jarod asks, What's something that's invisible to the naked eye? I've always thought of eyelids as being like bras, and the naked eye certainly wouldn't have a bra, or eyelid constantly flapping to try to cover it up.
It hurts my nose when deaf men shout at me with their fingers, as they shove their dexterous digits up my nostrils. I tell them, "talk to the tissue."
Even if my knees were belts, they still wouldn't buckle under pressure. But you could wear my knees on your waste, as I'd sit on your face. -Jarod Kintz
There was a condom in my soup because you were spoooning Cambell's Chunky beef out of my ass. I find it rude that you didn't even offer me any. -Jarod Kintz
It must be a really liberating feeling to just let go, to free oneself from constraints and let loose the bowels. Yes, I've always wanted to be like Grandmother, and be able to shit all over myself during dinner.
What is age, but old years stacked on top of each other like old stuck-together pornographic magazines that nobody wants to put in the recycle bin for nostalgic reasons.
Tree frogs, unlike most trees, do not grow well when buried in the soil.
Jarod asks, If the universe was empty, what would you eat? Because i believe that something can come out of nothing, I'd eat three meals: A paternal breakfast; a divine, yet manly lunch; and a ghost-like dinner. but I'd eat them all at the same time, so it'd really be only one meal.
Jarod asks, if there was a chair in the corner of the room, where would you sit? If the chair was shaped like the head of my ex girlfriend, i'd sit on her face.
My ex girlfriend was very curvy, much like a toilet, but she would often get stopped up over some of the littlest shit.
Jarod Asks, if tomorrow you knew there was no tomorrow, what would you do? I'd watch the James Bond movie, Tomorrow Never Dies, and I'd watch it in rewind.
There was a missing girl named Yesterday who disappeared on a Tuesday (that's tomorrow). But she disappeared only to become today's memory.
For my ex girlfriend, pregnancy was on her calendar, her schedule. Unfortunately, she was never late for anything. -Jarod Kintz
If I'm the boss, I don't mind being called the head cheese. But don't call me the Supreme Pizza, because that has onions, and I don't like making people cry. -Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz Naked Lunch: A Great Nude Eel of Ideals
I’d like to meet a guy named Art. I’d take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him and leave. And as well all know, Art is the shortened version of Arthur, with the most famous Arthur in history being the legendary king Arthur. King Arthur represents the Anglo Saxons, well before the introduction of the Latinate tongue coming into Britain. Old English was the common tongue, or vulgate, of which the word vulgar is derived. Today, vulgar has come to mean coarse language, typically scatological in nature. That makes vulgar a word with low brow connotations associated with it. William Burroughs’s novel, Naked Lunch, could be described as vulgar in both the old world sense of the word, and it’s modern usage. Burroughs utilizes a high concentration (this is a Latinate word) of Anglo Saxon words, as well as a smattering of foul and raunchy language which would come to represent the vulgar we know and recognize today. So on the surface, Naked Lunch is a low brow piece of art. But I think Naked Lunch is more than just a series of shockingly violent homosexual scenes and illicit drug use. I feel Naked Lunch is the epitome of a high brow work of art, in that it’s filled with brilliant, cutting edge satire and witticisms that match anything produced by Pulitzer prize winning author Dave Barry. And Naked Lunch’s surreal ness is on par with any sketch of Monty Python’s, and the truth behind Burroughs’s humor I’d parallel to the power of Mark Twain’s precise epigrams... Because of the high level of creativity and imagination within Naked Lunch, I feel that it is much more than a book for the common man. It is packed full of enlightening concepts, ideas. And ideas are like legs--what good are they if you can’t run with them or spread them like green, ghost-like junky legs?
If satire was a tattoo of a mouth on my genitals, Naked Lunch would be a knuckle sandwich that Burroughs uses to knock my balls with. But it didn't hurt, it felt suprisingly refreshing and fulfilling, in an intellectual way. -Jarod Kintz
There once was a door-to-door shoe salesman who was sad, because he had no fingers to ring any doorbell with, and no knuckles for which to knock. And people would always overreact and call the police when he would kick down their door. But I think people would want to buy his steel toed boots, after he demonstrated that they really work.
Life is like an island with two houses on it and only one door on one of the houses. And the majority of people are stuck in the house with no door and can't get out, while a small minority of people are in the other house and can come and go as they please.
Is Father Time's father a Grandfather clock?
If Mother nature is earth, is her vagina the grand canyon?
Father Time never orders pizza because in the scheme of things, thirty minutes is just too long to wait.
Father Time is a mass murderer by procrastination. It's really quite sickening when you think about how many people have just dies waiting on him.
The organized crime concrete business is the wrong business to get mixed up with.
If sanity was water, sometimes I'd be a desert clown with an empty flask and a bucket full of prophylactics.
Two walls meet at an architect's conference on Wall street. Soon they were living under one roof.
Two married walls once came together to the horror of their spouses, who just stood in the corner and watched, too shocked to even move or even open a door. And there are no windows in the room of betrayal.
Scoff it off.
I want to create memory pills, so that forgetfulness would be a thing of the past, except the memory pills would never let you forget. So with some things in your past, you'd only remember that you've forgotten something, when you used to be forgetful, but even the memory pills couldn't help you remember what you'd already forgotten.
"What an interesting costume. What are you?" "I'm a British Victorian gentleman dressed as a Roman who's pretending to be a Greek." "But at the end of the night, you're still an American." "Exactly. This costume has so many layers to it." "I thought you were just a pile of dirty towels." "That's too post modern for me."
I found the girl of my dreams. She was hiding under my pillow.
A literary montage. A group of porn stars about to have an orgy. Cut to a bunch of congressmen lounging around on Capitol Hill.
I tried drowning out my fears, but my girlfriend could swim too well.
One day I met a dancer, an inventor, and a bum. One had a flexible body, one had a flexible mind, and the third had a flexible schedule. That afternoon I lost my virginity, my mind, and two dollars, but it was well worth it.
I hate it when my left hand has to strangle my right wrist to stop it from strangling strangers.
I'd like to see an artist drown in a pool of paint, because it's always heroic to see someone give their life for art's sake.
I don't believe a writer uses words to paint pictures, because words are too messy, and whenever I try to paint with them I always end up getting them all over my t-shirt.
I'd like to read a poem about poop, that's scribbled on a bathroom stall, see that it's written with feces, and know that it was penned by a real piece of shit.
I met a politician and a thief in the same afternoon, and only had to shake hands once. -Jarod Kintz
(Pic of Alphabet soup in a bowl that spells out 'jarod kintz made me laugh so hard i choked to death on my soup.' with a spoon off to the side and a cat's paw also in the shot, too)
(Pic of the stature of Ponce de Leon that's in St Augustine with a sign under it that reads, "Jarod Kintz is a comedic conquistador.")
(Pic of Carterbear blindfolded with a ransom note that reads," Go to jarodkintz.com or the kid gets it.")
(Pic of a fake hand superglued onto concrete so it looks like the hand is coming out of the concrete with a note that reads, "I guess the mob wasn't playing when they said, 'go to jarodkintz.com...or else.") -Jarod Kintz
If sidewalks were asses, and my shoes were made out of toilet paper, people might think I was less crazy for not wanting to step on the cracks, because who wants shit all over their shoes?
I want to design a shoe that looks like a toilet, because then I wouldn’t feel so bad when I step in shit.
I know a woman who got impregnated by a chair. She had a son who was half human, half chair. And never was their a lazier boy born. He doesn’t do anything; he just sort of sits there. -Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend wanted to decorate the living room in neutral colors, so I suggested that we just go out and buy a Swiss flag to hang on the wall.
So science just invented an invisible cloak, but I'm hoping that they'll come out with invisible suits. Then we should make every politician, lawyer, and pedophile wear one, along with a blindfold, and force them to cross I-95 just outside of Miami. -Jarod Kintz
So scientists just invented something incredible. They actually created an invisible cloak, and it really makes people and objects invisible. But I'm hoping that they'll come out with invisible suits next. Then we could make every politician, lawyer, and pedophile wear one, along with a blindfold, and force them to cross I-95 just outside of Miami. -Jarod Kintz
Dear Gwyn, I’ve loved you from the first moment I peeked under your stall in the restroom to see if I was in the Men’s room or not. I wasn’t. Thinking back, I thought those urinals looked suspiciously like sinks. (Although later I goofed up again and washed my hands in an actual urinal). Have I ever told you that you are the prettiest woman I've ever seen, with the lone possible exception being your brother when he gets all dragged out on Saturday nights? Well, it’s true. Let’s go out sometime. Let me know what you think, Jarod
Dear Gwyn, I just paid full price for a quarter page ad in the newspaper, because I thought what I had to say was twice as important, but I only had half as much time to say what I needed to say, and I knew that you only remembered half of what you read, so I wanted it to be my half, which was actually a half a half, because I really wanted you to absorb what I was trying to tell you. And if you only remember half of this paragraph, remember the middle half, or better yet, remember every other word when I say, I I Love Hate You Your So Mother Much! Take care, Jarod
He glided into the room like a ghost, except he didn’t scare the crap out of Grandmother, but only because she had already taken her morning bowel movement…all over her Persian rug.
Dear Edmond, I have decided to start a business breeding female dogs, but I wanted your advice and partnership. I admire how well youu handle yourself with the bitches. You know your girlfriend and her mother, and how they have all those dogs? And how easily you get along with them? We’ll split the profits 75, 50-50. I’ll get 75%, and you’ll get 50% of 50%. Sound like a fair deal? Let me know by tonight, as it’s your turn to walk the dogs. Later, Jarod
Dear Sarah, If my heart was a well, and you could carry buckets of my love, would you one day spitefully splash it all back in my face? Or would you carry the buckets of love and fill up a bathtub and drown yourself in it? Do you even remember me? Or has time dulled the flame on the candle/dildo that you so expertly used on me all those months ago? I’m the guy from the bar. You know, the Blow Moan? The one who you said reminded you of Brad Pitt, minus the charm, good looks, and sex appeal. Well get back to me because I think we should meet up. ~Jarod
At the core of marketing is the target audience, which is composed mainly of people. And people, as we all know, are mainly composed of water. So to sell to people, one must become like water. That’s why I often sell to people by throwing myself against their windshields during rainstorms. I haven’t met one person yet who hasn't stopped and given me the time to make my sales pitch. -Jarod Kintz
I just realized that jay-z has his own interstate named after his I.Q. Interstate 95. Not to leave kanye west out, they named one for his I.Q as well. That would be I-75. -Jarod Kintz
He never remembered digging up the graveyard. All he saw were flowers, and he thought he was terrorizing a garden. He never had the courage to dance with the devil, let alone sodomize him. He never remembered being Jarod Kintz, he simply was.
He considered his birthday, March 05, 1982, to be the start of his ethereal timeout, and he looked forward to his death as his return to the eternal game. He imagined God as wearing a black and white referee jersey, and sometimes wearing a pink Lacoste shirt that really brought out the blue in his eyes.
He didn't mean to spill coffee in Thelma's lap while she was taking a nap in the park that one afternoon. Fortunately for both Jarod and Thelma, the coffee was still in bean form. Jarod never drank coffee, but he sure loved the way coffee beans smelled. So, to make the world a better place, he'd walk around the park sprinkling French Vanilla coffee beans on steaming piles of dog shit. He figured, if somebody had to step in shit, it might as well smell like French Vanilla. Of course, Jarod wasn't always this considerate. Most of the time he was just plain selfish.
Hello, and welcome to the book, Thursday With Thelma. I'm Nameless, and I'll be one of your narrators. I say one of the narrators because there are two of us. And I'm the reliable one. Whatever the other narrator tells you, don't believe him. Don't believe his fluffed up, feathery pillow talk, because he lies under the covers, especially the covers of the book. He'll even go so far as to tell you that I'm the unreliable narrator. Ha! Take everything he says with a grain of pepper, because too much of him will make a person sneeze. -Jarod Kintz
I'd like to meet my father, who also happens to be my Grand pappy. I'm proud of my West Virginia roots, which are long and dirty like Grand pappy's pubes (I've only seen them in pictures).
Generally I don't like women with facial hair, but every once in a while I'll find a handlebar mustache coupled with a mullet to be a seductive combination.
I once knew a chef who had an abnormal growth of a nose under each arm pit. He used to smear deoderant al over his upper lip like it was chapstick. and he always complained that his soup smelled like sweat, and I always found armpit hair in my bowls of soup. But I thought it added some much needed texture and sophistication to the dish. -Jarod Kintz
1. Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with? No, last I heard she fell out of a tree and broke her back. I think she was the first girl I kissed. Or maybe it was Andrea. Yes I think it was her, and I have no idea where she is or anything.
2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons? With that kind of arsenal, I could start a revolution!
3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? Nude Kids on the Block
4. What is the best thing about your job? The non-existence of it.
5. Do you wish cell phone etiquette was required in class? Yes, all cell phones not on vibrate should be thrown in the shower, along with the dirty morons who leave them on.
8. Where are you going on your next vacation? I might go get a job for two weeks, just to get away from it all.
13. If you could be an animal what would you be? I’m already an animal…an animal in the sack!
15. Tell us about the last conversation/s you had. My last conversation was very much like what we were talking about. We were talking about my penis, and it was very short.
16. Where do you see yourself in one month? I see myself in a mirror, now, and in a month from now.
17. What is your favorite smell? This particular flower that reminds me of HER.
18. What is your favorite sight? A naked woman
19. Do you consider yourself bi-polar? If moods were monkeys, I’d have some wild swings.
21. Have you ever done anything vindictive to your coworkers? Yes, I once stabbed myself.
22. Have you ever gone to therapy? No, because I’m sure they’ll try sizing me up for one of those snazzy white jackets that fit a little too snugly for my taste.
23. Have you ever played Spin the bottle? Yes, it’s sort of a family tradition at all the reunions.
24. Have you ever toilet-papered someone's house? Yes, but they had a post modern house that looked like a urinal, so they didn’t even notice for weeks.
25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? Sadly, yes.
26. Have you ever gone camping? If Mother Nature was my lover, I'd tell her I was gay, just so I wouldn't have to sleep with her.
27. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's friend? I never got to enjoy that part of life. Tragically, my sister died just moments before I buried her.
28. Have you ever been to a nude beach? It wasn’t officially nude, but that didn’t stop us.
29. Have you ever had sex on the beach? I’m pleading the fifth.
32. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? The day my sister died, at the hands of me and my clown friends. Seeing them stomp on her with those big red shoes of theirs … it was almost too much to handle.
36. Have you ever lied to your parents? No, I only told different versions of the truth.
38. Have you ever thrown up from working out? I consider sex to be a workout. And sometimes, after turning on the lights and looking at the girl, I have been known to throw up.
39. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight? Actually, it was a helmet I sported for several months when I was learning to ride a bicycle. My grandparents couldn’t convince me to take that helmet off, even at the dinner table. This must have been when I was about 22-23 years old.
42. Have you ever spied on someone you had a crush on? That’s what I have the top of the line binoculars for.
43. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers? Yes, and it feels satisfying to be self employed.
44. Kissed more than one person at a time? Back when my parents were still together.
49% of all Jarod Kintz's lies are lies? I don't think so!
Can Jarod kintz not tell a lie about the truth, even when he's telling the truth about a lie? i don't think so!
Do 78% of all stab wound victims agree that jarodkintz.com is better than a Band aid? I don't think so!
Is it true that 84% of all vending machines would rather take money from the poor, rather than dispense drinks and snacks to the starving? I don't think so, Jarod Kitnz!
Even if the topic of debate was menstrual blood, Jarod Kintz would rather have a smear campaign. -Jarod Kintz
Forks with four rubber bands strung over each prong, Empty Campbell’s soup can’s with strings and paperclips attached, Air guitarists that look like Andy Warhol with no fingers playing all night until their fingers bleed, as lipless Lead singers who lip sing Milli Vanilli songs are the talk among the mute.
Music videos on mute as I scream into my cell phone because I still can’t hear, The unique sound Mr. Fizzlebush makes when you accidentally step on his tail to the beat of the music.
The sound emanating from inside a conch shell of me gurgling and splashing as I nearly drowned in the ocean that one time. How do conch shells record the beach so well? Did Edison invent the conch shell?
I recently heard of a group called The Lipsticks who only sing Kiss hits, which reminds me of something weird I saw yesterday. I saw Elvis. And he was impersonating me.
I went to a saloon the other night where I heard a harmonica being played by a cowboy in a 10-gallon cowboy hat that only held a five gallon fish tank. It was full of Piranhas, though One of the fish used to sing, but apparently he stopped because he really bites. Or maybe the fish was unpopular because he didn’t sing country western, he only sang Celine Dion songs. This wasn’t a saloon in Vegas.
I come back home and my ears are pounding like they are a pair of bongos and I relax to the soothing sounds of a screeching duet between two deaf people screaming (Screamo) at each other with their hands. They call themselves The Angry Fingers. Their demo album is a blank disk that functions better musically when you either toss it in the microwave, or hang it on your rear view mirror.
That reminds me of a band I know called The Rear View Mirrors, who always like to appear larger than they really are. They have no talent, but have a great stage presence. They utilize a lot of police sirens and lights on stage.
Just because your car looks like a burrito, doesn't mean you can hit the sauce while driving.
Dear Thelma, This Thursday's no good for me. How about next Thursday? I find it hard to believe that as a character in my own book, I still can't understand why you only function on Thursdays. can you help me figure this out? ~Jarod
Dear Jarod, Just as everyone knows that the human body acts as a time prison (a person can't go back to yesterday, yesteryear, or travel to tomorrow), my role in your book has similar restrictions. I can't get out of bed Wed-fri. In fact, I'm not even sure if I exist on those days. Hope this helps clarify things a bit. Oh, and i know I'm supposed to be your love interest, and the author always gets the girl when he writes himself into the novel, but is there any way you could write a steamy love scene between me and Brad Pitt? The Brad Pitt from Fight Club or Oceans 11, you choose. If you could do that, you'd be my favorite author by far.
Dear Thelma, (img src "insert photo properties of Brad Pitt from Fight Club here") Brad: "If you could fight anyone in history, who would you fight?" Thelma: i think that even though you are a character from another story, the simple fact that you are now in this story changes your dynamic. You should have new dialogue, with a new voice and motives and everything. Jarod, am I right on this? Jarod: Yes, you are, but it was a good question. Well, anyways, skip to the sex. *waits impatiently* Are you guys done yet? Thelma: Just finished. Thank you so much. That was amazing. ~Jarod
Dear Jarod, Being the main character of your book has really inspired me. I've begun writing a novel in which you are the main character. You're a writer writing a novel about a beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent woman named Thelma (I didn't think you accurately characterized me). And since you were so kind to place Brad Pitt with me for a scene, I want to repay you for the favor. So is there any woman you'd like to have a scene with? ~Thelma
Dear Thelma, So let me see if I understand this correctly. A character in one of my stories, you, has begun writing a story about me, without me even knowing? how is this possible? Did Renaldo write you in? Oh well never mind. You're welcome about the Brad Pitt scene by the way. And it worked out perfectly because I've always wanted him in one of my stories. as to your question. If it's at all possible, could I get a few romantic evenings with Charlize Theron? Hey, wait a minute. Why am I asking you? I'll just write it in myself. I could change this story to Thursday With Theron, Charlize. ~Jarod
Dear Jarod, How cruel you are to me sometimes. You can't write me out of the story now. Please, I'm begging you. I'm blonde and beautiful like she is. She doesn't love you as much as you portray me to. But I can surely make her your new love interest in my novel, if that's what you want. By the way, I've thought of my novel's title: Fri-through Thurs With Thelma (I figure I just increased my lifespan sevenfold this way). So, what do you think? ~Thelma -Jarod Kintz
His compassion is like a sofa in the house of a Spartan. There is none.
Jarod Kintz is the world’s 77th greatest grandmother? I don’t think so!
22 out of 25 men of the cloth can make a dog roll over, but they can’t make him come.
10 out of 10 pedophiles agree that children enjoy learning from “hands on” experience.
9 out of 10 perverts prefer Pee Wee Herman over Jarod Kintz. The tenth pervert, the one who preferred Jarod Kintz, was of course Jarod Kintz.
If classical Western instruments were vodka and the blues was orange juice, then the mixing of these two would be a sweetly intoxicating concoction known as jazz.
Death is not the end, it’s the beginning of the middle.
I like beginning tasks in the middle. Not the beginning of the middle, but rather the middle of the middle. And not the beginning of the middle of the middle, but more the middle of the middle of the middle. Yes, the middle of the middle of the middle is a great place to begin.
I stuffed scrambled eggs up my nostrils because they were a little runny. Then I snorted some pepper and sneezed out the eggs all over my plate and proceeded to eat my breakfast and blow my nose.
Most people confuse being good at nothing with having nothing there are good at, they think they mean the same thing. But being good at nothing is to be a Buddhist, and to have nothing their good at is to be mainstream.
Forget having talking walls, if furniture could talk, what would my sofa say? It’d probably say, “As much as I love it, I really wish you wouldn’t fart on me so much.”
I have bumper-to-bumper memories, and I’m always having emotional collisions within my cranium. Some memories should have seatbelts, because some can be quite painful.
I like playing “20 questions” with a man who only has 19 fingers and toes, with each finger and toe representing not a question but an answer. And my final question, the one whose answer is on his missing toe, is: What is the meaning of life? Find his toe, and you’ll find the answer. -Jarod Kintz
How many tattoos did you have? I had a tattoo of an 11 inch penis on my dick, but it was nearly three times too large so it draped down to my knees.
How many tattoos now? I now have a tattoo of a vagina on my knee cap so my penis can brush up against it and tease it. I also had my tear ducts relocated from my eyes to my knee cap so that as it can now respond my getting wet. -Jarod Kintz
Like clothes in a closet, the hours Accumulate and pile up, the seconds disappear like socks in a dryer. I wear a clock of a clock, a soggy trench coat as the minutes drench and drip like drops in Chinese water torture.
She refused to use chap stick, because it irritates my penis. -Jarod Kintz
I was kind of sad when my girlfriend and I drifted apart. I regret pushing her away, but there just wasn't enough room for both of us on the raft. -Jarod Kintz
Even under his blue jacket and hood I could tell he was skinny and yellow, with a waxy complexion. He looked like a yellow crayon wrapped a green sponge. His eyes were as big as two
cue balls, and when he rolled them I really felt snookered. His lips were the pallor of pink chalk, and they were as chapped as Chaplin was silent. His shoes, once white,
now were as brown as the intersection where coffee meets teeth after twenty years at three cps a day. I didn’t get a chance
to speak with him; he walked out just as quickly as he had come in. -Jarod Kintz
As a writer, I want to write a story that's not 100 pages long, but rather 100 years long. I want a story where all the main characters die, so i figure, I'll just make the story longer. If one page is roughly equal to one minute on the screen, or real life, then my 100 year novel will have to be 52,560,000 pages long. Whew, I'd better get started.
Florida plays the Georgia Bulldogs today. The Bulldogs, huh? I don't know how I feel exactly, but I do think that's a pretty rude way to refer to your female student body, naming your mascot after them. I mean it might be true that they all look like bulldogs, but that's still not very nice. -Jarod Kintz
I wore my heart on my sleeve, but Cupid still shot me in the chest.
My teeth are so brown that when one of them fell out into my coffee, the coffee looked like milk in contrast.
(pic of me holding two sticks posing with a group of men holding high powered assault rifles): “Looks like I came a little over prepared for WWIII.” or “Looks like I came a tad bit under prepared for the revolution.”
Randomness is a river that flows in the opposite direction to your paradigm of understanding.
A shadow can be seen to represent the conscious, and a body could be viewed as the unconscious, because a shadow can only be seen in the light of day, like the conscious is around when you are awake, and your body can be felt in the night, like the unconscious is felt when you sleep.
Is a shadow honest and brave because it only appears in day light? Or is a shadow a cowardly and deceitful thing because it hides and stalks a person at night?
I would shadow box more often, but I don’t because I know the black boxer is a better fighter.
A defense lawyer should like his clients like he likes his law school diploma: framed. -Jarod Kintz
Q: What's the last text message on your cell phone say? A: You stole my phone you son of a bitch.
Q: whose bed did you sleep in last night? A: Well, I slept on a twin bed, so I guess it was a bed that belongs to some twins. I would have loved to have seen the twins last night.
Q: What color shirt are you wearing? A: Lavender. It matches my cuticles. I'm all about attention to detail.
Q: Most recent movie that you watched?: A: I watched someone watching The Watcher
Q: Name one thing that you do everyday? A: Procrastinate about procrastinating. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t hesitate, and just jump right in and start wasting time.
Q: What's the color of your bedroom walls? A: eggshell white with a hint of yellow
Q: How much cash do you have on you right now? A: I left all my cash in some stripper’s thong
Q: What's your favorite sport? A: bad mitton
Q: I can't wait till...? A: The Revolution! I’m stocking the arsenal as we speak. Yesterday I stole two forks and a spoon from Applebee’s so I’ll be ready when I get the signal from Delphi.
Q: When was the last time you saw your mom? A: Why, what have you done with her? You bastards! I won’t rest until she is avenged.
Q: Who got you to join myspace? A: Marco, the leader of the cult I belonged to at the time. Of course, they’re all dead now, and they drank the poison before even bothering to respond to my messages telling me where the final meeting was taking place.
Q: What did you have for dinner last night? A: Fried yak that made me yak.
Q: Look to your left. What's there? A: OMG is that a ransom note?
Q: What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone? A: A shirt from a pessimistic dwarf. He thinks it's a short sleeve shirt, but I think it's a long sleeve shirt. Of course with him being a midget every shirt of his looks like a short sleeve shirt on me.
Q: Do you have an air freshener in your car? A: yes, I have many in the trunk, because that's where I stash the bodies.
Q: Do you have plants in your room? A: Implants, whenever my girlfriend spends the night. -Jarod Kintz
Q: 4TH PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALLS: A: The Feds, but they just missed me.
Q: DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? A: Does a camel create mud puddles in the desert, where little Arab children like to mud wrestle?
Q: DO YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR? A: IF I let my nether regions grow out. Actually I’m thinking of doing just that so that I can trim and style a mullet down there. Then I’ll wear a tiny motorcycle helmet on the tip of my penis just so I'll be the king of Bike Week in Daytona this coming March.
Q: WHAT IS THE NEXT CONCERT YOU ARE GOING TO? A: The Styx, so I can let my dog chase and fetch the band.
Q: WHAT WORD DO YOU SAY A LOT? A: The
Q: WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE: A: A half a cracker (gluttonous, I know)
Q: WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU SAID TO SOMEONE AND WHO WAS IT? A: With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can garnish a pretty small ham sandwich. And I spoke those words to The Mythical Mr. Boo.
Q: DO YOU WATCH TV? A: Does a super model try to tickle her stomach with her finger after she eats?
Q: HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE WAITING? A: No, I’m still waiting
Q: EVER BEEN HUNTING? A: Yes, in the jungles of Africa. I hunted an Elephant, caught him, befriended him, and ended up shooting him after he beat me in a game of Memory.
Q: DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? A: Like my profiles on here, I have quite a few.
Q: WHO'S THE YOUNGEST ONE IN THE FAMILY? A: How do you know about “The Family?” You should have kept your mouth shut. I guess now we’re going to have to silence you.
Q: LAST TIME YOU USED A SKATEBOARD? A: The last time I used a skateboard I was rushed to the hospital for internal bleeding.
Q: WHERE WAS THE LAST PLACE YOU SLEPT BESIDES YOUR HOUSE? A: At a Veterinarian’s Convention. They ran out of cats, so the guest speaker put me to sleep. -Jarod Kintz
My explosive thoughts fell to the ground and became an active land mind.
I saw something strange today. I saw Elvis. He was impersonating me.
They say you fear what you don’t understand. Maybe that’s why every time I’m in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.
I’d love to be a great salesman. I’d love to be able to sell a fork to a homeless man in a soup kitchen. -Jarod Kintz
Never underestimate the chance for encountering a dangerous predicament when you hang around with a man so vain as to refer to himself in the third person. Jarod Kintz makes this mistake all the time. -Jarod Kintz
A lot of people as me if I’d vote for a Presidential candidate who used to be the President of A.A.S. (Albinos Against Sunscreen). And I guess that all depends on what his views are for my proposal for renaming the White House the Albino House. -Jarod Kintz
A lot of people ask me if I’d vote for a Presidential candidate who used to be the President of A.A.S. (Albinos Against Sunscreen). And I guess that all depends on what his views are for my proposal for renaming the White House the Albino House. -Jarod Kintz
If instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs sticking out of my hands, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could run my fingers thru his hair. -Jarod Kintz
I met a girl who collected hair follicles and toe nail clippings. I asked her out on a date to go buy some wax. We made candles with the fragrance of hair follicles that night as we burned each other's eyebrows. Then we made a sandwich out of my sandals. -Jarod Kintz
If I were Abraham Lincoln's wife, every time I saw a woman pay for a movie with a five dollar bill I'd yell, "Hey, what are you doing with a picture of my husband in your wallet? He's mine, you slut!" In fact, his wife may have been the one who’s to blame for him getting shot in Ford’s theatre in the first place. -Jarod Kintz
Whenever you have a goal, it's a good idea to have both a plan A and a back-up Plan B, unless you are illiterate. But in that case you are probably homeless and have no goals anyway. -Jarod Kintz
After a week of running my mouth, I was forced to eat my words. I immediately threw up a dictionary. And I really knew I had suffered a defeat because the dictionary was in German. -Jarod Kintz
Not only did I used to run with the wrong crowd, but I used to run naked. I shed my clothes of conformity and oppression.
I used to date a rebellious girl from a nudist colony. The first night we met we showered together, and she wore all her clothes.
Me and a bunch of my conservative investor friends like to go to Pamplona, Spain every year. we like to wear bear costumes and do the Running Of The Bulls. And no matter how hard we try, nobody can seem to keep up with Warren.
I like meeting new people and all, I just don't like changing a new person's diapers. -Jarod Kintz
Fornication: Do it for the kids. Just not at their birthday parties.
Normal people wear their sunglasses during the day, while Corey Hart wears his at night. I don't know on which side of the sunglasses issue I stand, I'm neutral, so until I make a definitive decision, I'm only going to wear my sunglasses at dusk. And dawn, too.
People always say they want a car that will get them from point A to point B. That must be a foreign, educated car. I'd much prefer an illiterate American car that will take me from point A to point C and then to point B, because isn't the automobile just as arbitrary as the alphabet? -Jarod Kintz
I'd like to have a concealed weapons permit for a gun so large that a midget could use the bullets to bench press. Where would I carry it? You ask. Well, with my anatomy, there’s plenty of room in my pants. -Jarod Kintz
I want to make bumper stickers that have a red background and white letters that I'll go around and stick on STOP signs. My bumper stiker will read: "I said STOP! Now go to JarodKintz.com" -Jarod Kintz
I live in a cu-de-sac that’s not circular, but more oval in shape. And there is a fence that surrounds it and the houses. It's an elongated community.
In the name of intellectual progress, men should rid themselves of detrimental diversions. And if your penis causes your creative thoughts to flow from your mind to your crotch, grab your scissors and detach yourself from your detestable, distracting dick.
I snip my fingers. I clamp my hands. Don't get it twisted up in these heat lamps. I salt to fries. I make yo bacon. I get ya fat to get dat ass shakin'
If I ever have a son, on his sixth birthday, I'd give him a necklace with a lump of coal dangling off it. I figure with all the pressure I'll put on him from then until the time he graduates from Harvard, that coal will have morphed into a sizeable diamond that he can mount on some lucky girl's engagement ring.
If I was a magician, and my magic wand were made of celery, I could surely make both my wand and a hat full of ranch dressing disappear. Then I'd make all the meat off of twelve hot wings vanish, while mysteriously leaving the bones. -Jarod Kintz
Fact: 37% of all erectile dysfunctions are caused by jarodkintz.com.
Fact: 24% of 42% of all statistical evidence has been strategically tampered and misdirected by Jarod Kintz and The Mythical Mr. Boo.
Fact: 83% of all numbers between 1 to 100 would rather be in the upper 17%.
Fact: While 68% of all abused dogs disliked the physical violence inflicted upon them, they all felt as if they not only deserved it, but actually provoked it somehow. The other 32% of dogs declined to comment because they had in fact been run over.
Fact: 10 out of 10 illiterate people can not read jarodkintz.com. -Jarod Kintz
There was once a black man who was married to a piece of cheese. One day he came home to find out that not only had she cheated on him with two crackers, but that she had also been eaten by The Man.
Fact: 94% of all balloons think the economy is too inflated, according to a recent survey conducted by Clown Life.
Fact: 98% of all 94-year-olds agree that if years were percentages, they'd want to be at 60% or lower. And 2% died before we could finish asking the question.
Fact: 100% of all famous dead intellectuals died before taking my survey. And 99% sent apology notes that were written with penmanship that looks curiously similar to my grandmother's handwriting.
It's a little known fact that The Mythical Mr. Boo was actually the first President of the United States. If George Washington's term was from 1789-1797, and the U.S. gained independence in 1776, then that leaves only one man so elusive, so mystical, and so masterful as to run the country and have nobody know it: The Mythical Mr. Boo. His name should be inscribed on a coin.
Fact: It is estimated that 93% of all tomatoes who attend comedy shows, only to be used as projectiles by angry audience members expressing frustration at an unfunny comedian, reputedly found the comic's material fresh. But then, what does produce know about being fresh? -Jarod Kintz
A Going Away Gift Your Neighbor Won't Ever Forget:
OK, first thing you need to do is scour the internet for pictures of a cute girl, maybe 16 years old. Then, after you have sufficient pictures, set up a fake Myspace profile for her. Then go around adding a bunch of 15-year-old boys as friends. Next, start flirting with them and leaving them comments like, "I can't wait to feel you inside of me," or, "I hope your penis is as big as I imagined." And get them to leave you comments like, "Of course I want to have sex with you."
Are you with me so far? Good. Now after you have a good amount of comments, take down all the pictures of the girl, and replace them with ones of your forty-year-old neighbor. Let's call him Bob. Then, simply pick up the phone and alert the authorities that you stumbled across Bob's Myspace profile and you are shocked to learn you live next door to a pedophile. And before you know it, Bob will be going away.
Fact: 91% of geriatric giants concur that Jarod Kintz is the tallest, funniest midget in Jacksonville, while 9% contend that he’s the shortest, ugliest giant in history.
Fact: 60% of all condensed cans of orange juice and 40% of all vodka approve of jarodkintz.com, while an astonishing 100% of alcoholics feel that jarodkintz.com is the greatest thing, next to getting wasted.
Fact: 87% of alcoholics felt that the only way jarodkintz.com could be better was if it was fermented and poured over the rocks, while 13% disagreed and thought it would be much better without ice.
God said that with faith the size of a mustard seed, man could move mountains. I’m not trying to move mountains, just my neighbors, and I’m smashing mustard jars all over their porch and driveway, but the only thing that seems to move is their Weiner dog who likes to go roll around in the mustard.
I know a driver for Pizza Hut who’s also a comedian, but his delivery is just too slow. His one-topping one-liners take up to thirty minutes or they’re free.
I enjoy breakfast during rush hour. Usually, I’ll just throw something together, like two or three eggs. and I like my eggs fast--generally flying at around 50 M.P.H and aimed at passing cars.
I have a treadmill that’s got a fire hydrant fixed to the front of it that I walk my dog on. And it’s only when his desire is exceeded by demand that I stop the treadmill and let him pee.
I used to play hockey. I had a pair of gloves made into ice skates because I thought that if I could skate on my hands that I’d be able to handle the puck better. Also, I used to wear a helmet on my crotch. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes Jarod Kintz and I wish we had fur on our foreheads, and my aunt was a cat, because then it wouldn't be so awkward when she licks our faces. And *******s. But not foreskins, because that's we don't engage in bestiality . . .that much. -Jarod Kintz
Mmmm I love plums. After getting into a fight with my boyfriend, Jarod Kintz, and whooping his ass, his eyes looked like a couple of plums, but they didn't taste as sweet when I bit into his cheeks. That's when the boys in blue showed up. I wish they were the boys in purple, because I love all things purple, including plums.
I bought a new coffee maker from a mail order bride service, and I couldn't be happier with her.
My ex girlfriend looked like a bear. We slept together for a few months and then we both got up. Then she tried to eat me.
a woman with rough hands wanted to feel my balls, and I told her to be genital with them.
I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob."
If I was a politician, I'd put the "axe" in taxes, as I'd have tax cuts for all classes. And I'd win the election by taking that axe and cutting down my opponents.
Politically, I'm a Limbertarian, because I'm flexible on most issues. -Jarod Kintz
I like modest people. Like the other day, for example, I competed in a foot race with a man with two left feet. He beat the hell out of me, but I never, nor will you ever, see a man with two left feet do a victory dance.
(on a bumper sticker on a road sign): This bumper sticker fell off my bumper, which fell off my car, which fell off a cliff, after my girlfriend fell in love with another man (that man was in the trunk at the time the car went over the cliff). That event, like where this bumper sicker ended up, is a sign.
If this bumper sticker was a dildo, it might be stickier. And shittier.
(bumper sticker on a road sign).: This is a sign from God. Go to jarodkintz.com.
Hungry truck drivers know that pedestrians make better pancakes.
Rude Kill, Red clown nose, Red shoes, Loud clothing made from Radios, Barbeques make the best grill friends, adrenaline fueled by anticipation, Getting into her panties was harder than robbing a bank--and even though it had been months since someone made a deposit in her pants I still found money in her crotch--two quarters like it was a slot machine. -Jarod Kintz
It is true that I, Jarod Kintz, enjoy feeding the birds in the morning and having philosophical discussion with various types of domesticated animals such as cats. And all the while drinking my coffee and spilling drips all over my boxers and then wondering why my boxers, which are white, are stained more yellow than brown. -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo's girlfriend must have a penis for a tongue, because she's always either swallowing it or biting it.
Even if pianos had black and white keys that were shaped like little penis', The Mythical Mr. Boo wouldn't touch a piano.
The Mythical Mr. Boo sees playing the piano as a metaphor for life, as you maneuver across both black and white keys. but for The Mythical Mr. Boo, the world is shades of gray, and that's why he never touches pianos.
The Mythical Mr. Boo loves how smog from traffic smells like his nostrils in November: congested.
The Mythical Mr. Boo loves grass that smell like the inside of his nostrils in November: thick and green.
In the same manner that a puppy's neck would meet with a sharp butcher's knife, so it is with sex with The Mythical Mr. Boo: clean and detached.
If hardness was thickness, my penis would be a tooth epic, only not that soft.
I don't understand the expression, "it's in the bag," and how it came to mean a sure victory. My question is, What's in the bag? A little head of lettuce, perhaps? Head and shoulders shampoo maybe? or could it be the head of some ugly broad you're banging is in the bag?
I want to live in a house on stilts, where I'd juggle two jobs and a girlfriend. -Jarod Kintz
I feel sad for cats when I think what it must be like for them to have all this soft fur and not know it because they don't have exposed skin for which to pet themselves with.
I once had a teacher who said, "I know how to do it, but I don't know that I know how to teach someone how to do it." So I had to figure out how to masturbate on my own.
I always thought it was strange how whenever I was growing up, and I'd try to eat my desert before my dinner, my mom would always say, "Don't eat your desert before your dinner. You'll spoil your meal." this was a weird thing to say considering we had curdled milk and moldy cheese almost every night of the week. -Jarod Kintz
I love it when a woman with scaly elbows rubs them rapidly across my forehead, and then, a week later, she dresses up as an albatros and pecks and picks at my scab with her beak. But I guess that I'm just a hopeless romantic.
Sorry I haven't been around much, The Supreme Pizza, me, has been kept in the oven. Damn Renaldo locked me in there last week and I just barely managed to break out. Now I got Renaldo chained to the ice cream container in the freezer. -Jarod Kintz
Ahhh, this site puts the magic back in blogging. I'm so excited that I actually have an erection. It's been over thirty years since I've popped a woody this big. Thanks, Magic Blog! Hey, maybe you guys could sell yourself as a healthier alternative to Viagra. I can't decide whether I feel like making love--to myself--or bloging. Hmmmm I think I'll do both! -Jarod Kintz
I'm 75% American and 25% bald eagle, and my father was just a quarter. Sadly, I lost him when I was fifteen. Although, I still retain the hope that one day I'll find him in-between the sofa cushions.
The only time you can play with your food is if you are eating your dick.
All the guy said was, "making your great-great-great grandfather our national symbol just added a much needed feather in his cap," before being savagely murdered. I guess this particular eagle was a little sensitive about being bald.
When the manchild bounced the basketball, which was as leathery as the manchild's forehead, it looked like a midget named Renaldo (the manchild's childhood friend) was glued to a yo-yo, from the way it had a sporadic, lopsided up tick.
The car stopped on the train tracks because Sheila, who was driving the car, knew that Harry, her homeless boyfriend, was sleeping on the very spot where she parked her car. Then she got out and lit a cigarette feeling almost orgasmic in her decision to move on.
The two and a half legged dog leaped over the fence because it was chasing the midget Renaldo, who had clepped out of his chains and escaped from the refrigerator, but not before he managed to eat all of Mother's meatloaf.
Melinda, my ex, was like a traffic light at four in the morning: she was always flashing people on the road.
I remember my grandpa having a long, flowing beard that was wavy and shimmered like a river, except he didn't have salmon swarming up it. Nope, instead it was stocked full of lice.
I like playing strip poker with a certain sheep, because I know Bessie would never cheat on me.
Religion is like a shower. Just because you wear a towel on your head, doesn't mean the sane ideology has soaked into your head.
How many people have died in the name of religion? There's only one man who should have died in the name of religion--Jesus, and he did. And he died for you, but I'm not sure he'd want people to die for him.
The reason I like sleeping with invisible women is I can see a little bit of myself in them. -Jarod Kintz
You can tell a lot about someone by where they are from. For example, if I met an alien, who would naturally hail from space, I’d probably assume that s/he is a pretty empty individual.
They say aliens are green, like money, but I think space, like my wallet, is not only empty, but full of Velcro. in fact, science may soon discover that black holes are nothing more than patches of Velcro from God's wallet.
If I was an astronaut, I don't think I'd spacewalk, because it's dangerous to be a pedestrian in the universe since there might be aliens driving around in spaceships the size of Buicks. and I don't think those aliens have obtained their driver's license either.
My ex girlfriend had a tongue made out of Velcro, and it was always getting stuck to my crotch. But I never understood why she had to wait until my pants were in the hamper to start licking them.
My ex girlfriend had a tongue made out of Velcro. And it was really annoying that she'd always get it stuck to my wallet when she'd lick it. I guess I can't blame her though, because my wallet was made out of popsicles. -Jarod Kintz
You can tell a lot about someone by where they are from. For example, if I met an alien, who would naturally hail from space, I’d probably assume that s/he is a pretty empty individual.
They say aliens are green, like money, but I think space, like my wallet, is not only empty, but full of Velcro. in fact, science may soon discover that black holes are nothing more than patches of Velcro from God's wallet.
If I was an astronaut, I don't think I'd spacewalk, because it's dangerous to be a pedestrian in the universe since there might be aliens driving around in spaceships the size of Buicks. and I don't think those aliens have obtained their driver's license either.
My ex girlfriend had a tongue made out of Velcro, and it was always getting stuck to my crotch. But I never understood why she had to wait until my pants were in the hamper to start licking them.
My ex girlfriend had a tongue made out of Velcro. And it was really annoying that she'd always get it stuck to my wallet when she'd lick it. I guess I can't blame her though, because my wallet was made out of popsicles. -Jarod Kintz
Since this is the magic blog, I wish that I was writing with a magic wand, rather than using my keyboard here. But, seeing as this is the magic blog, and I, Jarod Kintz am friends with The Mythical Mr. Boo, I will attempt to pull a rabbit out of this hat-like statement. Wait for it, wait for it. *pulls out rabbit* and there it is. Now I will transfor my magic wand into a carrot so that this hungry rabbit doesn't starve to death, because that's not part of any trick I'll be performing here tonight. No, the death of the rabbit is next week. -Jarod Kintz
If time is a prison, as some people say, then wearing a watch is like wearing one of those house arrest anklets. And the only criminals who don't have to wear those anklets, are the people with no ankles, because they can't run too far anyways. -Jarod Kintz
If time is a prison, as some people say, then your whole life is punishment as if you are living a life of crime. But why shouldn't we be punished? Just because we don't know why we're being punished? Ignorance is no exception to the law. -Jarod Kintz
I once knew a couple named Barbara and Cliff, and he really had her over the edge. She eventually died of a broken heart and internal bleeding.
I'd like to meet a giant named Cliff. I'd take him to the desert, rock climb all over him, piss down his crack, repel down, and leave.
There's nothing I like more than nothing, except for something, but only sometimes.
Just as the bananas predicted, a monkey has come to reside in the White House.
Wise guys always ask me, "Is that a banana in your pocket?" I just laugh and say, "Nope, it's banana pudding. But it could use something thin to go along with it. Say, is that a vanilla wafer in your pocket?" -Jarod Kintz
Call me old fashioned, but I simply refuse to have sex with a pack of screeching, legless midgets.
I hope his throat was itchy, because his voice was very scratchy. And where does it say I can't urinate in a trashcan during an interview?
If animals were words, I'd feel really bad if I deleted somebody's dog. But would it be evil if I tried to save it after I deleted it?
If fingernails had lift and produced flight, and birds had fingernails instead of those feathery things they have now, I'd love to go around clipping bird wings.
If runners high came in a bottle, I wouldn't huff it because it would probably smell like feet. And that would just be way too addicting. -Jarod Kintz
Mondays always creep up behind me like a midget in a gangbang.
Hell yeah, I can dance! I would do “The Worm” for you, but I don’t want to soil my sweater.
My brain is as folded and wrinkled as the clothing in my luggage, which the airport has just informed me is like my mind--completely lost. It’s times like these I’m glad that I always wear three pairs of underwear.
The more he smoked, the more his eyes looked like egg rolls--folded over and fried. Just hanging around him brought me great fortune and wisdom, as well as giving me the munchies.
If I was a knight, I wouldn’t fight a dragon with a sword, but rather a giant cigarette, because that would effectively reduce the dragon to being a living lighter. And I can easily crush a lighter. Plus, slaying a dragon has got to be better than sex, and this way I’ll have a giant cigarette handy to enjoy after my victory.
If I was a knight, I wouldn’t attack a dragon with a sword, but rather a stick with marshmallows on it. And my shield would be a huge chocolate bar with a graham cracker shell. I’ll bet that the dragon would run away, never to come back for S’more.
Sure we met at a party, but the chatter was like cattle vomit--hard to digest. He talked about his latest book, Following In The Footprints Of Greatness: An Interview With The First Man To Interview And Get Mauled By Bigfoot., but the conversation was very blurry. -Jarod Kintz
Sure we met at a party, but the chatter was like cattle vomit--hard to digest. He talked about his latest book, "Following In The Footprints Of Greatness: An Interview With The First Man To Interview And Get Mauled By Bigfoot," but the conversation was very blurry.
A man's cave is his castle, especially if he's a caveman.
If boogers were basketballs, I'd love to roll and spin them on my index finger.
Cows might not like drinking in saloons, but they really love barf food.
alightinthecave.com--a place for thinkers to meet and grow individually, through the inspiration a group of likeminded people can bring.
He sure had a motor mouth, but at least he had a handlebar mustache to go along with it.
IS BIGFOOT GAY? The news has just reported more evidence of Bigfoot. While there were no pictures of Bigfoot, a camper was found in the woods with a gaping asshole and severe internal bleeding. a crime scene investigator was quoted as saying, "only a creature with massive feet could have an extremity large enough to penetrate so deeply." -Jarod Kintz
I don't like talking to men with mustaches, because sometimes I don't see their mouths moving and I think that the mustaches are talking to me. And ever since my father went bald, his hair leaving him after I yelled at it, I no longer converse with follicles of any kind.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has never bowled a perfect game three times in a row, but only because The Mythical Mr. Boo has only bowled twice in his life.
Hugh Heffner once asked The Mythical Mr. Boo if he had eleven twin brothers, because he was thinking of making a calendar of the world's sexiest men. The Mythical Mr. Boo said yes, he did have eleven twin brothers, but The Mythical Mr. Boo said he'd only be in the calendar if Hugh could mke it a thirteen month calendar, so The Mythical Mr. Boo could be in there twice.
If I was an accountant, my nickname would be "Monster Truck," because I'd be so good at crunching numbers. Thank God I'm not an accountant, because I'd hate wearing a helmet to work every day.
With checks, like a pool ball, it's better to bank it then bounce it.
It wasn’t that he laughed like a horse that I started calling him Mr. Ed, it was the fact that he liked jumping over fences and had a fourteen inch penis.
I once heard of a mythical beast who had one black foot and one white foot. And the white foot always tried to stay one step ahead of the black foot, while the black foot was always trying to catch up and pass the white foot. This creature was called Bigot Foot.
If I was a mad scientist, I wouldn't try to brainwash anybody with a filthy rag fro the gutter.
I'll sit on the sponge if you're on the rag.
(pic of me in front of a bush with a microphone): My exclusive interview with Bush.
(Pic of me and Carter Bear): He doesn't pick up women. They pick him up.
Yeah I slept with her. I also drooled all over her forehead.
(Pic of me holding Gordon who's holding my cat): I'm Jarod's biggest fan.
(Pic of Gordon hanging on the wall holding a half empty picture frame over his face and chest. The half of the frame that's filled is filled with poster board and has this written on it: "I'd like to meet a guy named Art..." I'm also in the picture scowling and looking critical of Gordon hanging on the wall like he's a piece of art) -Jarod Kintz
Hey, I’m Jarod, and welcome to my website. First, a little about myself before I explain my philosophy on the website. I guess all the madness started a few years ago with t-shirts. I had one of my t-shirt ideas, Luck Off, picked up by Urban Outfitters. That was pretty cool. I was very into coming up with t-shirt ideas there for a while. But very soon I got bored with just coming up with t-shirt ideas and started exploring other forms of expression.
Writing one-liners and random thoughts quickly filled my time like piss in a bedpan, and it was just as relieving for me too. Then I got hooked up with Robbie Raggs , a DJ, and Pete Blankenhorn, the head writer for the now extinct (Robbie moved on to stand-up comedy) Robbie Raggs Radio Show. They wanted me to do a bit called “E-mails from Jarod,” where I would read and record my prank emails to random corporations to the background music of The Titanic theme song (the instrumental version). It would have been great, if only radio restrictions didn’t tighten up like a regular sized condom on a horse’s penis. Only one actually played over the air. But it was OK, because within six months my first book would come out. E-mails from a Madman continued and expounded upon the collection of e-mails. I had a lot of fun with that book, and I’ve gotten some great customer reviews. That means a lot to me. Then I was offered this website, where I could further express myself with all my random thoughts. But there’s a new dynamic with the concept of this website. That dynamic is you.
My goal with my random thoughts is to not only make you smile, laugh, or think, but to actually inspire the madness that dwells within you. I’d love nothing more than to bring about the starving artist within you; to be the bread and water for that stringy little person lounging around in your subconscious wearing nothing but your grandmother’s bathrobe. User interaction is welcomed and encouraged on this site. Upload original pictures relative to the website on the fan section, or e-mail me with a random thought that you think should be in rotation on the homepage. Actually, e-mail Brittany, and she’ll forward it to me. Inspiration is what excites me. There is no greater feeling than coming up with an idea that nobody else has had before, or seeing the world in a different shade of gray than all the guys, girls and Earls before you.
In closing, I’d love to quote some famous person here, but I both forgot his name, and his quote, so I guess I’ll just skip it. Oh yeah, and if you like the site, and want to support my future intellectual endeavors, click on the PayPal link above my picture to the right. What’s ten or twenty dollars to you? Not much, probably, but to me it’s a big deal. And don’t forget to e-mail Brittany if you just feel the need to share your random, bizarre, surreal, or even absurd thoughts with the world. -Jarod Kintz
I have a scale map of my penis that has a one-to-one ratio. One inch equals one inch. the map is only one inch long, but it's folded and wrinkled.
Dear Gwenduhlynn, I love how you roll your eyes like you roll your apple-bottom buttocks. and the way you danced with that random dude all night last night at the club was hilarious. He must have been so jealous of me. I'll bet you couldn't stop talking about me, huh? By the way he kept looking over at me and smirking, I knew you were making him envious. I also saw you give him a phone number. You probably gave him your newly disconnected cell phone number, huh? haha Sneaky girl. That reminds me, you never did give me your new number. So what is your new number?
I know a man who used to make boxes for a living, until he found out the boxes were held in place with glue, and glue is made from horses. This presented a moral dilemma for the man, since he was engaged to a horse. -Jarod Kintz
He was stuttering like a speed boat with a sputter, and his wet mustache fluttered like a floating and bloated beaver.
I wanted a refund on some socks I just bought, because they each had a huge hole in them. And the shifty shift manager of the store where I bought them, rather than returning my money, tried to convince me that the holes are in fact made by the manufacturer, and they are where i slip my feet in the socks. What, did he think I was born the day before yesterday? Hell no, because that was Friday, and I was born on a Thursday. Not last Thursday, but maybe the one before, I can't remember.
He had eyes like salmon eggs, tiny red beads that made me want to dress up in a fish costume and take a bite out of his skull. Or maybe they weren't red, but more of a blue. either way, they'd look better on the end of a hook and floating lifeless in a river, along with his body. -Jarod Kintz
This is the opening sentence of my research paper, with the words fishing net in it, to really pull you in. And I hope you brought your fishing pole and a Naked Lunch, because we’re going Trout Fishing in America. Just me, you, William S. Burroughs, Richard Brautigan, and Trout Fishing in America. -Jarod Kintz
Here, Burroughs extends his imagination to draw upon carnival people. This may be because carnival people are intrinsically funny, since they are so abnormal, but it may also be to draw a conclusion in the sand with a jellyfish of a thought, one that really jiggles joyfully while it simultaneously stings your consciousness. -Jarod Kintz
Ahh yes, I generally agree with you, except in the places where I don't agree with you. And in those places, I might not agree with myself, generally speaking. But at least I don't disagree with The Mythical Mr. Boo most of the time, unless he's trying to eat my shoe (I only have one shoe since I only have one leg). Some people might think that I, Jarod Kintz, have two legs, but I am under the strong suspicion that my right leg is actually a former KGB spy sent by Vladimir Putin to gain information about the CIA. I keep telling my leg that I know nothing, but it won't even listen. So the torture continues on a nightly basis, with lots of kicking and screaming. -Jarod Kintz
Of all the places in the world I'd rather live, I'd rather live in the place next door to the place I'd rather live, because if "the grass is always greener," then the grass there is so green there it's as blue as the tropical sea (the place I'd rather live is on the beach). -Jarod Kintz
I saw 1/2 of a Siamese twin wearing a shirt that said, "I'm with stupid."
I saw a Siamese twin who was skinny, and then attached to her was her obese twin. I guess the skinny one always got the side of the plate with the vegetables, and the other one always got the side with the steak. -Jarod Kintz
Aliens might be green, like pickles, but I'll bet they don't taste as tasty on a hamburger.
If there was an endless well, I'd push my dad down it, knowing that he doesn't believe in Jesus. Since he wouldn't die on impact, seeing that he'd fall for eternity, maybe that'd be the loophole for him to achieve immortality with no faith.
When I die, I want to live forever in heaven. But I sure hope they have recreational activities up there, because when I get bored I fall asleep. And forever is a long time to sleep.
I don't think hell is fire and demons. I think hell is a comfy bed, surrounded by alarm clocks designed to go off at the precise moment you fall asleep. -Jarod Kintz
Fact: Ice cream goes well with almost all pies, including pie charts. Particularly pie charts dealing with ice cream demographics.
Fact: Nearly all people represent almost the whole population.
What if on the historical timeline, there was a space-time trampoline in the year 2020? Man, I think that’d be pretty cool to land on it on New Years and back flip through history. But I’ll bet by the time I got back to the night of my high school prom, I’d probably be so dizzy that I’d throw up all over the dance floor, just like I did the first time around. -Jarod Kintz
If I were Jackson Pollack, for one of my creations, I would dress up in a bear costume and do a painting on a cave wall. It would be so post modern it would be Neolithic. -Jarod Kintz
She had an ass like a bumper, and I just wanted to sticker. And all I felt I needed to do was find a clever saying and slap it on.
If there was a man who was like both Napoleon and Ray Kroc, I don't think he'd wage wars. Of if he did, he'd keep it to a minimum.
His ideas melted the same way molten lava disintegrates dentures and zippers and anything else with fake teeth. But his ideas couldn't chomp food, like dentures do, or be the gateway between a penis and a urinal, like a zipper is.
Although Frank had big ideas about life preservers, these ideas drowned in the river, along with the flailing, frantic Frank. I guess Frank's ideas about life preservers weren’t actually better than real life preservers after all. -Jarod Kintz
I never resort to arguing with my fists. The lowest I'll go is yelling at my elbows.
From across the lobby I could see her winking at me. Either that, or her left eye had a matching twitch to accompany her compulsive body spasms. I'll tell you though, picking up women at hospitals is just getting to be too easy.
If girlfriends were fists, I'd never fight with them. Instead, I'd redirect my anger and scream at my elbows.
To me, he seemed ungrateful. He begged for water, but I went one beyond his wish and gave him some Kool-Aid mix. Although I'm still offended, he died before he could apologize.
I think male models should yodel in Spandex, because what's sexier than a man yodeling in Spandex?
There's an art to making love with a paintbrush, but I'd recommend using a skinny brush the first time.
I want to start a college course called Couch 101. It'll be a class that anybody can sit in on.
When memories get warm, my mind has gone blanket.
He had hair like leaves in the fall; red and waiting to fall out.
He had a face like a washing machine, especially when he wore panties on his head.
He had eyes like coffee beans, but only when he was roasted.
He had eyes like old breasts: drooping and wrinkled.
He had eyes like thunder, always rolling but never lighting up.
He had a face like a bird feeder, with eyes like two sparrows’ beaks--narrow and surrounded by feathery eyebrows.
He had a laugh like a noose, as it seemingly choked out of his neck.
I could tell he was a tortured soul by the shackles dangling out from within his torso.
When life throws you a Rubik's Cube, make lemonade out of it. Then twist in some vodka and enjoy your mixed metaphor drink. -Jarod Kintz
The second has an image of a monkey masturbating with illuminaed eyes, flushed cheeks, and he's sniffing granny panties. And the caption reads, "Thinking of you, Gammy." -Jarod Kintz
Growing up, I always wished my parents had named me Logic. Logic Kintz. And since nobody, not even my parents, can argue with logic, I would never have had to do any chores.
I didn’t like the numbers assigned to my apartment, so I had a change of address. Although I didn’t move, my apartment number is now 1, and both the landlord and the pizza guy hate me.
If there were only two people on this earth, me and some guy with breakfast on h is car, i.e. eggs and bologna, I’m sure that everyone in the world would hate me.
Some people tell me that I’m not politically correct. Of course I am, I just don’t happen to represent their democratic views, that’s all.
I wonder if the singer named Seal got his name by using his cheeks as chumming material for Great White sharks? -Jarod Kintz
I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.
A woman with a door knob on her chest will not let you in the back door. Trust me, I stood there knocking for hours.
For me, ejaculating is a victory, but I don't like to "rub it in people's faces" after I win.
I've never had cyber sex. My penis won't fit in the USB port. . . at least not without lots of lubrication.
If I was an armadillo and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother."
I caught a cold last week and lost my voice, which actually worked out perfectly because I simultaneously enrolled in mime classes.
I drink lots of water in the winter time. That way, nobody knows it when they are eating my "yellow snow". Not even me.
I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language. I fell asleep in the fetal position in her cat's litter box. Ah, 'twas a great night. I'll never forget dancing with an albino under the stars.
I truly believe "the eyes are the gateway to the soul." And that's precisely why I go around squirting Windex in people's faces.
How could I say no? I mean, who could resist the question, "Will you dance with me?" coming from a left shoe?
Fact: 78% of all stab wound victims agree that jarodkintz.com is better than a Band Aid. The other 22% were reputedly stabbed by me.
I'm allergic to fingers, so I have to eat pizza with my feet. You should see me "eat on the run."
I just put a mirror over my bed to enhance my sex life. Now I just have to put it to some use and talk my room mate into letting my have the top bunk.
There should be a West Virginia adage that says, "Never sleep with your boss' daughter, even if you work for your dad."
Fact: 9 out of 10 perverts prefer Pee Wee Herman over Jarod Kintz. The tenth pervert, the one who preferred Jarod Kintz, was of course Jarod Kintz.
I met a girl who collected hair follicles and toe nail clippings. I asked her out on a date to go buy some wax. We made candles with the fragrance of hair follicles that night as we burned each other's eyebrows. Then we made a sandwich out of my sandals.
The Mythical Mr. Boo will gladly trade his shoes for two chickens and one goat. Or, three chickens, a rooster and a housecat. Or, if you have no chickens or goats, he'll accept three cartons of eggs, four pounds of cheddar cheese, and an exclusive photo shoot with Dustin Diamond.
If instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs sticking out of my hands, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could run my fingers thru his hair.
If I had 88 fingers, I couldn't count all of my blessings on both hands, but I could play the piano like no other.
I broke up with my girlfriend, because she lied about having two boyfriends, when I knew all along that she only had one.
If courage was a cooler, I'd leak all over myself.
My neighbor is as stupid as a cinder block for letting me throw him through his own car windshield.
In bed, my girlfriend likes to get religious. She'll often get on her knees and break out her rosary. Yeah, she's a real tight ass.
Renaldo's girlfriend tells him all the time that he's a romantic. She loves it. Flowers, candles, candy. After all, what seven-year-old doesn't like candy?
It would make sense if my balls were actually giant peanuts, since I'm allergic to peanut butter, and I'm always scratching my balls.
I like women who, instead of talking, pay attention when I am listening. Generally, these women are mute.
Last night my band, "The Grizzlies" and I rocked out all night. I played air guitar nonstop until my fingers bled. Then I did some finger painting on the cave wall where my band and I live.
The customers in line at Wal-Mart are like smooth, flat rocks. Great for skipping, and better off at the bottom of a lake.
Hugh Heffner once asked The Mythical Mr. Boo if he had eleven twin brothers, because he was thinking of making a calendar of the world's sexiest men. The Mythical Mr. Boo said yes, he did have eleven twin brothers, but The Mythical Mr. Boo said he'd only be in the calendar if Hugh could make it a thirteen month calendar, so The Mythical Mr. Boo could be in there twice. -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo never eats at friends' houses, but only because all of the Mythical Mr. Boo's friends are homeless.
It's not that The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't trust anybody, it's that all of the people The Mythical Mr. Boo trusted had to be shot for various reasons.
They say that primates are the only creature with opposable thumbs. I guess that makes The Mythical Mr. Boo a savage beast, because The Mythical Mr. Boo has always felt that has to remove any opposition, including his thumbs.
The only moment of silence The Mythical Mr. Boo takes for the dead is that frozen fraction of a finger twitch that it takes a bullet to ballet down the barrel of a silencer into the solemn temple of his antagonize. Oh, how The Mythical Mr. Boo loves to tango with the trigger of a Sig Sauer.
If I could wear shoes on my fingers, I'd love to Cha Cha with my chode. -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo never talks about his work. Mostly because he’s unemployed.
The Mythical Mr. Boo only believes in things he can see. And he only invests in things he believes in. Therefore, The Mythical Mr. Boo never invests in his future.
The Mythical Mr. Boo would prefer going Dutch on a first date, if only he could find a girl from the Netherlands to ask out.
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn’t eat leftovers, because The Mythical Mr. Boo only kills as much as he can eat.
The Mythical Mr. Boo would gladly give up his life for this country, if only he didn’t believe that by doing so he would get reincarnated as a raccoon. Because, according to The Mythical Mr. Boo, “Spending one lifetime rooting around in the trash is about all this soul can stand.” Who would have thought that the homeless could be so patriotic?
As an avid mountain climber, and a man who’s hard as stone, The Mythical Mr. Boo has always looked up to Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Roosevelt. And, although he’s impatient, The Mythical Mr. Boo is trying not to Rushmore. -Jarod Kintz
The voices in my head are always telling me they don’t exist, but I never believe them, so then they try to convince me that I don’t exist.
I want to come out with a Hindu website called, “adotonyourforehead.com.” And then, on the homepage, there will be a picture of a Hindu person with a dot on their forehead with a caption that says, “That dot on the forehead indicates that you are here.”
If I was a hamburger, I don’t think I’d like the way American cheese tries to spread itself all over the place. No, I’d much prefer the quiet, peaceful, and neutral demeanor of Swiss cheese, even though it’s covered with bullet-sized holes.
If time is money, and there is something called space-time, then there must be something called space-money. And that’s way I want to be an astronaut, so I can amass a meteorite-sized retirement nest egg. I’ll put the G’s back in G-force. -Jarod Kintz
The only moment of silence The Mythical Mr. Boo takes for the dead is that frozen fraction of a finger twitch that it takes a bullet to ballet down the barrel of a silencer into the solemn temple of his antagonizer. Oh, how The Mythical Mr. Boo loves to tango with the trigger of a Sig Sauer. -Jarod Kintz
Who I'd like to meet: Half-wits, boozers, boners, stoners, sexists, and the few people left over at Florida State University who don't fit in the aforementioned categories. -Jarod Kintz
I think an “air tight” documentary about sandwiches should be called a Ziplocumentary, but my neighbor disagreed. So I had to stuff him in a brown paper bag and toss him off a moving school bus.
My neighbor is so stupid, if you were to pay him a million dollars to answer the following question, “What day of the week is it?” he’d need a multiple choice bubble-in sheet with eight possible circles to darken. And he’d still probably miss the question.
My neighbor is so stupid, it took him eight tries to guess what day of the week it was. But he only got it on the eighth try after I informed him that there was no such thing as Vernsday, which he thought came after Wednesday and before Thursday. -Jarod Kintz
I hate to admit that my girlfriend has more brains than I do. She's got a dozen or so, while I only have eight.
I was cleaning my apartment and moving heavy furniture around the other day, and I accidentally threw out my back. That was stupid. I should have given it to Goodwill.
I remember my Grand pappy sitting me down one day and telling me, "Boy, no matter how big you get in this world, a loveseat is meant for two."
I remember my Grand pappy sitting me down one day and telling me, "Boy, as you grow up and get bigger in the world, the doors will not only open up for you, but they will always appear to be getting narrower and narrower."
I heard that Michael Jackson wants to have both his knees replaced by two dildos. He wants to be Santa at the mall and have all the little boys lining up just to sit on his lap. -Jarod Kintz
This is in fact a socially acceptable standard of measurement within the Pygmy community. When I was over there, deep within the jungles of Africa, they told me I had a seven and a half "inch" penis. I was so excited I vomited in my socks, which I was keeping in my underwear at the moment. -Jarod Kintz
If I was a muskrat, I'd be heartbroken, because my face would be furry and therefore i couldn't grow a curly-Q mustache.
The other day, I thought I found a bunch of random hairs in my curly fries, but it turned out to be a few freshly waxed curly-Q mustaches. And normally I don't glue fries to my face, but on that day I felt compelled to make an acceptation. -Jarod Kintz
The other day, I found the customers in line at Wal-Mart to be like smooth, flat rocks. Great for skipping, and better off at the bottom of a lake. But if it wasn’t for them, I’d never have experienced my greatest memory. It all happened as I was listening to experimental music at Arby’s, and eating a Market Fresh roast beef sandwich (with extra mayonnaise). Then, as the music was exploding in my ears like a cherry bomb inside a cello, something caught my eye like a trout on a hook. “What is that?” I thought to myself, and to everyone else in the restaurant as I shouted it into my bullhorn. Well, I thought I found a bunch of random hairs in my curly fries, but it turned out to be a few freshly waxed curly-Q mustaches. Now normally I don't glue fries to my face, but on that day I felt compelled to make an acceptation. That was a week ago, and as of right now I still haven’t either washed my face or shaved.
I think a great Kleenex commercial would be to have The Mythical Mr. Boo standing in a room with Aretha Franklin, since The Mythical Mr. Boo is allergic to Respect, and he'd be sneezing compulsively
I think The Mythical Mr. Boo would make an excellent tight rope walker, since he's also allergic to flat, wide places. South Dakota makes him sneeze. -Jarod Kintz
A man with wooden teeth never eats termites, or drinks paint thinner. Well, almost never. The Mythical Mr. Boo does, but only on special occasions, like Tuesdays. -Jarod Kintz
I want to lead an army of chickens, just so I can slaughter their young to make a world record omelets.
I want to be a Pharaoh among journalists, and be buried in an inverted pyramid, along with my worldly riches such as a Pulitzer prize, a Guinness book of world records certificate, and a picture of Mark Twain that I personally forged his signature on.
Friends come in all shapes and sizes, but the best friends generally come in large boxes.
If there was a gun that didn't shoot bullets, but instead shot out happiness, the world would probably be a very sad place, because the person who invented the prototype gun would most likely be bi-polar, and die from an overdose of happy shots to the face before the gun could go into production. -Jarod Kintz
I don't read with my eyes, but rather my ears, as the voice of the piece echoes in my imagination, much like the sea reverberates in a conch shell. Mostly I read books that sound like the ocean.
Friends come in all shapes and sizes, but the best friends generally come in large boxes marked “fragile.” -Jarod Kintz
The billowy clouds rolled over the hills like a pack of midgets tumbling over the grass wearing gray cotton togas, and I couldn't help but chuckle with excitement.
The Mythical Mr. Boo would be a man of science, if only he wasn't so godly. And by godly I mean that he has a long white beard, wears white robes, and always has sandals on his feet.
I keep my flip flops on my boss' desk, because that's where my feet always are. -Jarod Kintz
I was the sand, and her love was like what a cat produces several hours after overeating. And I am thankful to that other guy for coming along later and scooping up her love.
Wallets are like vaginas. They both have folds, they both look good with my fingers in them, and the deeper both are, the more valuable they are. also, both make great homes for my business cards. -Jarod Kintz
Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.
For Renaldo, ejaculating is a victory. Fortunately, he doesn't like to "rub it in people's faces" after he wins.
If they made a TV remote control that doubled as a dildo, I don't think Renaldo would ever get off his ass to change the channel.
One time I spent half an hour looking for my penis before I realized that I was already holding it. And so was Renaldo.
After they broke up, Renaldo's ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because his mother only has his best interest in mind. -Jarod Kintz
I have third degree carpet burns from when I skidded across a burning rug.
I met a bald guy who tried to cover it up by wearing a toupee. I knew he wore a rug on his head because he had carpet burns on his forehead. -Jarod Kintz
People make fruit flavored candy, and fruit flavored water, but nobody makes water flavored candy. I want to make some. It would be kind of like ice in that it would be exactly like ice. But it would not have a very long shelf life.
I like flavored water. I like water flavored water. -Jarod Kintz
I like dirt flavored water. Some call it mud. Whatever you call it, I like it when it's been sloshed around with my morning bacon.
The only way my day could be better is if I was wearing a black hat made out of soft fur that was shaped like a Bombay, and I also had a third arm growing in place of my unibrow so that I could reach up and pet my hat, which I'd name "Mr. Fizzlebush." -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo wants to see more people in wheelchairs doing stand-up comedy.
The Mythical Mr. Boo thought his ex girlfriend would have made an excellent secondary character in a story, because she was so flat.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has such large shoes to fill that he laces them up with extension cords. and anybody who tries to step in his shoes is bound to be on a power trip. -Jarod Kintz
I wouldn't be against having a robot become mayor, because then it would be easier to grease my local politician.
If I ever go volunteer at a soup kitchen, I'll probably go dressed up as either a giant spoon, or a pepper shaker. you know, just to spice up some homeless person's day. -Jarod Kintz
It's not that The Mythical Mr. Boo's head is buried in the sand, but rather, his body is buried in the breeze.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is a savvy businessman, and he's always on the lookout for new opportunities. His newest venture is trying to sell chap stick to the summer breeze, because someone told him that they heard the "wind whistling in the trees." -Jarod Kintz
I saw two racists screaming at each other the other day. One of them called the other one a bigot. That’s like a pot calling the kettle a ni**er. But I haven't heard a pot call anyone anything, except for maybe that one time when I pissed in that pot and it called me an asshole. -Jarod Kintz
I love home renovation. I just put an island in the middle of my kitchen. It helps me to lose weight, always having to swim to the fridge.
I think a great Christmas gift would be fifty scratch off lottery tickets, a roll o pennies, to scratch the tickets with, and a package of ground beef, just to let the other person know you really care. -Jarod Kintz
Drug tests absolutely infuriate me. I had to take a piss test the other day, and all the splattering made it look like I just Christmas treed the Scantron.
Drug tests infuriate me. I had to take a piss test the other day. I know I failed because I splattered all over that Scantron. I can barely hit inside the circle of a toilet, let alone those tiny little bubbles they want you to darken on a Scantron. -Jarod Kintz
I thought that might get you aroused. So I'm guessing you noticed that I had cabbage caked on my forehead. That's a little trick I do to get you in the mood. And I also don't wear deodorant. Nope, I had mustard crusted under my pits. It's almost euphoric. -Jarod Kintz
We travelled up te mountains of Peru and enjoyed the company of our odorous armpits, as we giggled like school girls in mini skirts. (Although, we both wore respectable length skirts, remember?) -Jarod Kintz
I'm like the ghost of a ninja. I can just vanish like the period at the end of this sentence
I'm like the ghost of a ninja. I can just vanish like the period at the end of this sentence. OK, just because I can make both myself and punctuation marks disappear, doesn't mean I abuse my power.
Everywhere I go, I always carry my portable for-making machine. It makes for both great entrances, and great escapes. It also helps that I'm almost always wearing a red cape. -Jarod Kintz
You’ve got to get up pretty early in the afternoon to fool a man like me.
In high school, I had a circle of friends that included two imaginary midgets and a field mouse, whom I later dissected for disloyalty.
I once saw a tight-rope walker walking on a power line. He was electrifying.
I was attracted to my ex girlfriend like cops to doughnuts. Like midgets to roller coaster rides they aren’t tall enough to ride. Like Paris Hilton to panties, but I only felt that way at the end of the relationship when I wanted to take off. -Jarod Kintz
When I first met my ex girlfriend, I had so many butterflies in my stomach it felt like I had just eaten a bowl full of caterpillars. But I didn't. I had just eaten termite soup, and I ate with a wooden spoon. -Jarod Kintz
My uncle lives in a gated community. And somehow he even managed to get his own cell.
With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.
You're the Audrey Hepburn of teachers. You put the "class" in classic, with your timeless style. -Jarod Kintz
My eyelids are getting as heavy as the mini skirts on the girls in my dreams, and I'm getting just as tired of lifting them too.
I once took a picture of a Grandfather clock and a popsicle while they were having sex, and now that moment is forever "frozen in time."
My graduation keeps getting pushed back like its an overgrown cuticle, but I'll eventually nail it.
Even though the little boy felt like a fingernail, he tried to be mature and act like a manicure about being so rudely cut off.
I must have grappled with it for thirty minutes, but I just couldn't convince myself to join the debate team. Then I thought, "If I can't even win an argument with myself, I probably shouldn't join the debate team." And then I thought, "But I did just effectively counter argue against joining, so..." But in the end I got distracted by a cheese sandwich and never got around to signing up.
I must have frantically sifted through the ash trying to see any sign of her for a good half hour before I finally put the lid back on the vase and left the crematorium. -Jarod Kintz
I'm looking forward to looking forward, but right now I'm only halfway there.
Of all the fragrances in the world, I think my favorite would have to be the smell of the inside of my nostrils. In fact, I wouldn't mind if I inhaled that scent every second for the rest of my life. -Jarod Kintz
I like playing connect the dots with people who have lots of freckles. just last week i drew all over some guy, and after connecting all the dots, the image came out looking like Ron Howard. So I had him autograph my drawing of him.
I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?" It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line.
A lot of kids today grow up in single parent households. When I was growing up, I only ever saw my father once, and that was right before we started playing hide 'n seek. I'm pretty sure he hid in the trunk of his car, even though nobody, not even the authorities, have thought to look for his car at the bottom of Lake Alice.
My dog must be afraid of heights, because he always urinates on my magic carpet. Just kidding, it's absurd to think I'd have one of those, because I'm a cat person.
Even tough my cat is deaf, she still loves Green Day. Also, she's colorblind.
Last week I stole my neighbor's shoes, then I ran around my front yard several times before returning them. His dog hasn't crapped on my lawn since.
Sometimes I get tired of my right arm falling asleep. I think if I somehow managed to cut my left arm off with a pillow, my right arm would then be too afraid to fall asleep. -Jarod Kintz
If I was a DJ, I’d call myself DJ Mayonnaise. Then when people would ask me to play their parties and weddings, I’d say, “Sorry, but I’m already spread too thin as it is.” -Jarod Kintz
Maybe UFOs are just giant Frisbees that the world's superpowers toss back and forth across the Atlantic when they get bored with taxing and oppressing their populations.
If I built a time travel machine, I'd name it "The Scantron," because if the answers are in the future, then the questions lie in the past, and the thing that links the two is "The Scantron." I'd also probably play some Celine Dion at my unveiling ceremony.
If I was a baby manatee, I'd probably swim away if I saw a boat coming, unless I thought it was my mother. But me personally, I'd be scared if I saw that my mother suddenly had an outboard motor growing out of her ass.
I don't know why we call the main component of a computer a motherboard, because the last time I checked--and I looked very thoroughly-- there weren't any milk dispensing nipples among the circuitry.
If I had a boat with no motor, I'd name it "Dogatee," because everybody knows that Dogatee is manatee's best friend.
I'd like to meet Helen Keller, because by teaching me how to feel, she would teach me how to see. -Jarod Kintz
I love John Mayer's song, "Waiting on the World to Change," because in the middle of the song, for about ten seconds or so, my car is magically transformed from a vehicle into an elevator. -Jarod Kintz
I once took a picture of a Grandfather clock and a popsicle while they fornicating in the freezer, and now that moment is forever "frozen in time."
I bought a new pair of panties I'd like to see my girlfriend try on. I even cut eye holes in them so she could see.
Even though my band and I don't like renting, we might have to. Currently we (all seventeen of us) are looking for an affordable bunk bed.
Maybe UFOs are just giant Frisbees that the world's superpowers toss back and forth across the Atlantic when they get bored with overtaxing and oppressing their populations -Jarod Kintz
Somebody should make dining room chairs with scales on the seats that lets the person sitting on them know if they are eligible for a second portion, or if in fact they are too fat to be able to eat more.
The last time I saw my ex girlfriend before she died, she had changed her hair color to bright orange, like fire. Or maybe that was just the flames engulfing her wig and forehead. But I'm not a hairdresser, or a firefighter, so I really can't be sure.
If I had vicious dogs growing out of my fingers, instead of fingernails, I wouldn't bite them, unless of course they tried to bite me.
I'd love to tell a great joke about the flu, because I'll bet the laughter from it would be so contagious that people would have to get a shot just to stop laughing.
I once told a joke about pepper and nobody laughed, but they did all sneeze. All except fot The Mythical Mr. Boo, because he hates jokes about pepper. -Jarod Kintz
I was out to dinner last night, and immediately after my server brought the drinks, I told her, “This sweet tea tastes like an armpit.” “Oh,” she replied, “I can put it in a glass if you’d prefer.”
I don’t think I’ll ever let my children play “sharks and minnows.” Not after I saw my childhood friend Teddy get his leg torn off.
I told my girlfriend it wouldn’t hurt if she shaved off a few pounds, starting with the hair on her back. But you know her, she’s as stubborn as an ox, even though she’s a mountain goat. -Jarod Kintz
I used to want to join Weight Watchers, but I figured I’d rather watch grass grow than watch fat accumulate.
I’m glad my nephew isn’t a blade of grass, because then one day I’d have to tell him, “I remember when you used to come up to my knee. That was way back when, before we had to cut you down.”
My neighbor’s nose is so big that Jesus could have been crucified on it. Also, his nose is made of wood, and he’s a terrible liar. -Jarod Kintz
Whenever I'm out training on my unicycle, I wonder if Lance Armstrong raced bikes with as many wheels as he has testicles, would he be a world ranked unicyclist?
Sometimes I wonder if Speedos are the Stalin of clothing, always oppressing and constricting genitalia.
Sometimes I wonder if the Battle of the Bulge was fought by men wearing Spandex?
Growing up, Grandmother wouldn't let me break dance. Not after that one day she came home to find all her China broken.
Democrats are like guys with no shins or feet. They want to stand for everything, but instead they spend most of their time on their knees.
It's not that my pockets aren't deep enough to be a Republican, it's just that they don't allow guys in pink Speedos at their formal banquets.
My boss once asked me if I could "rise to the occasion." And even though it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, somehow I managed to get on that elevator. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wonder if Speedos are the Stalin of swimwear, always oppressing and constricting genitalia.
I used to date an older obese woman named Ten, but everyone just called her "X". Now I just call her ex X. She'll be XXXI next month, and I think I'll get her an XXL sweatshirt for her birthday. -Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend had hair that was as stiff and strait as guitar strings, although not as musical when I’d pick at it and run my fingers through it.
I just bought a pair of boat shoes, but I haven't worn them yet because I'm afraid my feet will get seasick. And my feet smell bad enough as it is, without them throwing up all over the place.
If the moon has enough power to pull the tides, I’ll bet if a werewolf ever got into the ocean it would rip it apart. Oh, you don’t think so? OK, then how do you explain what happened to my Grand pappy?
I used to think my ex girlfriend was a werewolf. Not because she tried to eat me on a full moon--which she tried to do--but rather, because she had a hairy chest. Or maybe she was just wearing a fur coat, I can’t really remember. But I do know she definitely needed to be stabbed through the heart, I’m sure of that. Well, pretty sure anyways. -Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend had hair that was as stiff and strait as guitar strings, although not as musical when I’d pick at it and run my fingers through it. I wish she would have been bald though, because I'm way better at air guitar.
the other day I made some cookies out of kittens, and the only way my neighbor knew they were made from scratch was because they had claws in them.
In high school I got caught using my pseudo falsetto voice to call in a fake bomb threat to try to get out of taking a test. They probably knew it was me because my pseudo falsetto voice sounds exactly like my normal voice. Well that, and I was home schooled, and Mother heard me talking from my bedroom. -Jarod Kintz
To me, people are like cars, and our brains are like engines. Seeing as I don’t want to have a mental breakdown, I always drink plenty of oil. And to avoid getting too clunky, I try to eat a low carburetor diet.
I think it’s really important to make a list of all the really important things in your life, starting with the list itself. And I know it will be hard, but try not to cross off items on the list because you mistook it for the grocery list. I know it’s tough, because if you’re anything like me, all you ever buy, and all you ever care about, is toilet paper and People magazine.
If some guy were to tell me that they make rooms with padded walls, I’d probably look at him like he was crazy. -Jarod Kintz
If Flipper was my friend, I'd probably buy him a bottle of shampoo for his birthday, with a note that says, "All the ladies might love you, but let's not forget that you're bald, old buddy."
If friends were coffee beans, I'd love making friends. But I wouldn't go to Starbucks, because I don't need to pay for my friends.
All these high tech thieves nowadays are stealing people's identities online. I remember back in the day when all you had to do to steal someone's identity was to rip their face off their skull. Ah, sweet nostalgia. -Jarod Kintz
I wish underwear were made out of rubber, like tires, because I don't like changing mine very much.
In the workplace, sex is like sardines--best when freshly canned.
My schedule is as flexible as a eighteen year old whore. (Not that I‘d know anything about that. I actually have no idea what’s on my schedule).
If my boss was a near sighted bug, I'd gladly let him observe the bottom of my shoe.
Standing around the campfire, the last thing I remember was my Grand pappy shouting, “A blanket won't help you get warmer if you throw it into the fire, boy. Not unless you wrap yourself up in it before throwing it in.” It was the last heated discussion we ever had.
Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction. But not bite them, because friends don’t bite friends.
I knew a homeless man who ran a business out of his home (if that‘s what you want to call it). I think he sold boxes.
I think smoking is the number two cause of cancer, behind marriage of course.
I wish there was a pen that wrote in plaid. Then I'd write short stories about long sleeve farmer’s shirts. -Jarod Kintz
I'd only drink coffee to give my teeth a tan, but I'd also be willing to grow out a mustache and dye it white just to make my teeth appear browner. Maybe I’m just trying to overcompensate for my kneecaps going bald.
I once laughed so hard one morning that milk came ripping out of my nose. That was the last time I ever snorted powdered milk. -Jarod Kintz
I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.
When I was growing up I had a pet rock that I loved dearly. And nothing hurt worse than the day my pet was stolen away from me just because I hurled it through my neighbor's window. -Jarod Kintz
I'll bet if there was an evil villain, who was made out of sour cream, the only way you could kill him is if you shot him with a potato gun and then ate him. -Jarod Kintz
If they ever come out with a lunar calendar, I think the pictures above each month should all be of werewolves. Werewolves eating blocks of cheese all shaped like the state of Wisconsin, with some belly dancing badgers in the background.
My cat, Missy, has wispy fur like cirrus clouds on a clear night sky, but only after I shave her. Oh, she hates it when I shave her, but she's the one who lost the bet, not me.
If I was the moon, and the ocean was the mayor of my city, I'd probably have lots of pull over him. But if I was the moon, I'd like to go back and change history. I'd go back to 1969 and stand up for myself and say, "No, Neal Armstrong, I won't let you walk all over me."
I like to think of grass as the fur of the earth. And that's why I make my girlfriend wear sod on her back during the wintertime, as an alternative to a mink coat. We'll also ride around town in a riding lawnmower and just wave and smile and try not to run over small furry animals.
If you take away his miracles, Jesus was a very down to earth kind of guy. -Jarod Kintz
I'm trying to figure out how to crossbreed a chicken and a pine tree, because then I'll be able to have the freshest eggplants around.
My best friend has hands that kind of look like gorilla hands, which isn't as surprising as the fact that his face and body also kind of look like a gorilla. But he's not, he's an ape.
Maybe hell is having a wet body, no arms, and you're wearing woolen underwear. My balls itch just thinking about it.
I wish dogs were breasts, because then strange women in the park wouldn't mind as much when I touch them. And I'll be the first to tell you that there's nothing wrong with hairy boobs. -Jarod Kintz
I want to write a song called, "I think I'm entitled to a better title than this." It's about a boy who falls in love with a comma, before she gets spliced. It's more of a country song than anything else. -Jarod Kintz
This weekend I plan on making a kite out of a Caution sign, just so I can throw a Caution sign to the wind.
Sometimes, when I'm hungry, I catch myself drooling as I look at my thumb, because it kind of looks like a chicken leg. And my thumb looks especially like a chicken leg if I also happen to be holding a pile of mashed potatoes in my hand.
Last summer, at a corporate picnic, I remember my boss shouting, "Ok, it's time for the watermelon seed spitting contest." But I misheard him. I thought he said shitting contest. I spent all afternoon in the bathroom trying to produce my entry that I thought would surely qualify me for the finals, but nobody even seemed the slightest bit excited to watch as I separated out 89 seeds from my feces.
Since Wisconsin is known for selling cheese, I'll bet there are some frugal fathers there who scold their squandering children by saying, "What do you think we are, made of cheese?"
When I stand at a urinal and marvel in my mind at the size of the universe, I get sad, because it just reemphasizes just how small my penis really is.
If Purina started cloning canines, it really could be a "dog eat dog world." but I wouldn't want that. No, I prefer keeping it a man eat dog world. -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo just had his tear ducts surgically relocated to his groin, because the only time he cries is when he's standing in front of a urinal. -Jarod Kintz
Suicide is selfish. Don't take your own life, take someone else's.
To become a butterfly, you must first have the patience of a caterpillar. And it wouldn't hurt if you also had sixteen legs.
It was a rainy Valentines day last year when my girlfriend and I decided to go to the Olive Garden, but it was a little too muddy to truly be romantic.
Even though I haven't done statistical research, I'd be willing to estimate that half the male population represents about a quarter of all the people in the world.
I'm currently training to write the world's fastest run-on sentence. And to speed up the pace of it, I'm going to replace all the restful commas with quick dashes, I just hope the average reader's eyes aren't as bad as the average person's knees, or they'll be pretty sore in the morning.
I sure wish deodorant tasted like butter, because then I could keep mashed potatoes warm and tasty in my armpits all day long.
My ex girlfriend's mind was as sharp as an axe handle. -Jarod Kintz
I used to date one of the world's strongest women. I went over to her house after our first date, and she told me to wait while she slipped into something a little more comfortable. She came out scantily clad, wearing only a leather La-Z-Boy sofa on her back. I damn near got a hernia undressing her. -Jarod Kintz
A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor.
a smile is a Cyclops compared to a simile, which is similar, but has two "i"s.
Her gums were as red as the Golden Gate bridge, and they bridged a gap in her teeth that was nearly as wide as San Francisco bay.
When Marissa laid down, her pregnant belly looked like the Bell curve, and I knew her son was to be found somewhere in the middle.
After a long night of absinthe binge drinking, The Mythical Mr. Boo's brown eyes were so bloodshot that they looked like rusty armor, and they appeared just as heavy, because they only moved when his whole body moved.
I think the reason God didn't put eyes in the back of my head was because he knew if he did that, I'd probably spend all day in the mirror, looking at my own sweet ass.
Men and women view time differently. Men seem to be more punctual with minutes and hours, but have a great difficulty remembering dates such as anniversaries. Women are just the opposite. They will never forget an anniversary, but they never seem to be on time.
If questions were fingers and toes, The Mythical Mr. Boo wouldn't be able to play "twenty questions." Nope, he'd only be able to play eighteen questions. -Jarod Kintz
I tried cheating on the Mensa test by sneaking it into the Womensa bathroom and filling it out. But apparently everything is an intelligence test to those people, as I found out when I got locked in the stall. I mean, how was I to figure out that I needed to slide the metal bar to the right and then push on the door? -Jarod Kintz
I tried cheating on the Mensa test by sneaking it into the Womensa bathroom and filling it out. But apparently everything is an intelligence test to those people, as I found out when I got locked in the stall. I mean, how was I supposed to figure out that I needed to slide the little metal bar to the right and then push on the door? -Jarod Kintz
Maybe I'll find out if God is a comedian in the Lafter ife.
If jokes were punches that popped with laughter, then The Mythical Mr. Boo's knuckles would chuckle with your chin.
When shocked by police lights, The Mythical Mr. Boo has eyes like a new Word Document, as they start blinking in the brightness like the black curser flashing on the whiteness of the screen.
The Mythical Mr. Boo's hair is as dark and short as a hundred thousand Pygmies posing rigidly on his scalp. -Jarod Kintz
I enjoy food for thought, but sometimes I think so much that I throw up. That's why my thinking cap is a bucket, so I can just take it off and vomit in it.
I enjoy food for thought, but sometimes I think so much that I throw up. That’s why Mother doesn’t let me think over her new carpet anymore.
It's taken me nearly ten years to get a four year degree. And something that remarkable only happens when discipline meets focus, and I am clearly the master of those two things. -Jarod Kintz
Even though I’m more of a sprinter, I used to date a marathon runner, although I broke up with her because she was too distant.
She had a body like an abode, and breasts like two pillows, and that’s why I called it home.
She had an ass like two astronaut’s helmets, and a chest like a map of the cosmos.
The party got so crazy that I had to change into my cosmonaut costume, just to comet down.
--I have an orange condom that looks like a carrot, so why don’t you make like a rabbit and hop on my dick? --This woman’s a grown rabbit, and she doesn’t like baby carrots.
I could tell he had the hardened look of a warrior even before I read the inscription below the bronze statue.
In my next short story, the sky will be as blue as the narrator will be colorblind. Also, the narrator will have fleas.
I want to write a story with the most unreliable narrator in the history of literature. In fact, my narrator will be so unreliable, I’m not even sure that he’ll show up to narrate the story.
If I was the king of mice, I wouldn’t sit upon a thrown of cheese, but rather one made of mouse traps, just to let everyone know why I am their king.
I knew my house was infested with royal rats when cheese alone wasn’t enough to tempt them into the mouse traps. No, they only went after the cheese when I also laid out a vintage bottle of wine.
At the time my uncle didn’t seem show it, but I could tell he wasn’t too happy that I chopped off his arms. But later, he wouldn’t even accept my hand when I offered it to him. -Jarod Kintz
My grandma used to always say, “The secret to life is being able to take bigger and bigger steps, while people all around you are taking the elevator.” And she’d say this as she would glare at my grandpa. But it’s not his fault that he’s in a wheelchair, she’s the one who ran him over. -Jarod Kintz
I once knew a raving homosexual. he was so crazy and so gay, that even a strait jacket couldn't help him out.
I once knew a man who used to talk to himself for hours. Of course he immediately stopped talking to himself once my cell phone got cut off.
If they made cars that looked like giant cell phones, I'd get twice as angry if I got cut off. I'd also probably get pulled over a lot for speed dialing.
Every time I come over, my girlfriend's dog sniffs my crotch like I've got a long stemmed rose in my pants. And the butt of this joke actually lies behind the zipper, which is closed to me at this time.
The shortys always be asking the gangsta zipper, "Hey, boo, why you so fly?" -Jarod Kintz
I think I'm a dyslexic psychic, because I can see with startling accuracy everything that's already happened in my life.
Before I met Winston, I was at a point in my life where I was in total darkness. But he came and brought me a nightlight, and for that I am eternally grateful.
There was a language barrier between us. I think it's called Yugoslavia.
If I had four children, and I'd named them after all four seasons, I'd take each one on vacation and talk about how wonderful the other three were.
If I was a stapler, a staple would be a staple of my diet. And I'd date two beautiful, young, wrinkle-free pieces of paper, and my staple vomit would be the thing that bonds them together.
I had this really old Grandfather clock once. And although it was retired, and hadn't worked in almost twenty years, it still knew when it was its time to go.
My grandfather was like my grandfather clock, although he didn't work at all. but he did always let me know when it was time to go, although I was never able to catch him before he'd go in his pants.
In my opinion, the perfect business model is always wearing lingerie. -Jarod Kintz
Yes, I am also a little disappointed that Time's person of the year was You. I mean I think you are great, but why not me? I think I have just as much right as you to being the person of the year. But I am not deterred. On the splattered guts of my goat father, I vow that I will try my hardest to see that the person of 2007 is Me. And to prepare, I'm already growing out my Fu Manchu mustache to grace the cover of Time magazine to glorify and immortalize my facial hair for all of eternity. -Jarod Kintz
In the midst of the argument, he shouted, "After I kick your ass, I'm going to serve your head on a plate." My face contorted in confusion before responding, "I'd think twice about doing that, if I were you." His brow furrowed as he seethed, "Oh yeah? And why's that?" "Well," I said, "because there will be hair in the food." -Jarod Kintz
I have a hole in my hand that's just big enough to fit my penis into.
I would love to spit in your face, my dear, but your face is far too filthy and nasty for even the most mucus-filled saliva to splash across. -Jarod Kintz
It was a beautiful day here at Jacksonville beach. The sky was as blue as I am colorblind. Hello, I’m the narrator, Mr. Fizzlebush, and I have fleas. I share an apartment with Renaldo, who has fingers that make sandpaper feel as soft as red velvet cake, although not as tasty to lick. But Renaldo has an ego that is surpassed only by the length of his forehead and the sparseness of his hair, so I never let him know that I hate it when he rubs my head. Sometimes I’ll catch Renaldo standing in front of his bathroom mirror chanting, “Mr. Fizzlebush has fur on his forehead. Why can’t I also have fur on my forehead?” And he’ll ask himself that question as he raises one eyebrow (he only has one, and he is rather proud of his unibrow). Judging by the clock on the wall, it must have been out of batteries, which meant that I had to walk all the way to the kitchen to see that the microwave said it was 2:30 in the afternoon. Normally Renaldo doesn’t get up that early, but I saw him rustling around the dining room table a few minutes earlier. He was wearing a tie, which for a normal person would indicate a forthcoming job interview. However, the tie wasn’t around his neck, it was tied Rambo style across his forehead, as he was trying to make fierce faces into his bowl of Frosty Flakes, which were nothing more than normal corn flakes flecked inadvertently with dandruff as he shook is head menacingly and snarled at his spoon. Unfortunately I didn’t stay around long to watch, because I had to use the little boy’s box. I must have been sitting in the sand for about fifteen minutes just reading the Wall Street Journal when I heard the front door slam open and shut. Not even having time to lick properly, I ran to see where Renaldo went. That was over four hours ago, and he still hasn’t been back yet. Well, I’m getting a little hungry, and I’d like to know where he is so I can know when I’m going to get to eat. So I guess I’ll just lie here, curled up like a pouting lip and wait for his return. But if you see him, tell him that my stomach is growling like a pack of wolves, and it’s frightening me. So he needs to hurry up and come home and give me my supper. -Jarod Kintz
The waves crashed on the shore like an overused metaphor in a tropical storm of a short story.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has the eyes of an eagle. He plucked them out of its skull after he shot down the great bird.
Great conversationalists, like myself, often lead discussions by example. For instance, as a favorite dinner topic of mine, you might find me drooling as I lead discourse about Pavlov and his dog. -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo Vs. The Old Buddhist By Jarod Kintz
An old Buddhist once sat in on a lecture about management given by The Mythical Mr. Boo. After the lecture, the Buddhist started clapping with one hand. “What is that sound?” asked The Mythical Mr. Boo. “Something for you to meditate on,” replied the old Buddhist. “No,” replied The Mythical Mr. Boo. “How one hand convinced the other hand to do all the work, now that’s something to meditate on.”
This House is NOT Empty
One day The Mythical Mr. Boo and Edmond went to look at the house The Mythical Mr. Boo he had just bought. It was just off the market and there was no furniture in it. As he pulled into the driveway, the Mythical Mr. Boo noticed his wife’s car parked there. “This house is empty,” said The Mythical Mr. Boo. “There is not even one stick of furniture in it. I guess it’s time to figure out what this home really needs.” “Everything you need is there with your wife,” Edmond said. “You do not need a sofa or a table, my friend. All you need is her.” “I suppose you are right,” said The Mythical Mr. Boo as he nodded his head up and down. “Sometimes I forget that she is large enough to comfortably sit and eat on her back.” -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo has the patience of a dismantled clock, as the concept of time never seems to etch itself across his face.
From the look on its face, I could tell the clock was smashed. But the question was, who gave it alcohol?
(pic. of a train): You lookin' at me, but I'm lookin' at choo.
You lookin' at me, but I'm lookin' ah-choo. I guess I'm allergic to you.
7 hours past 7 days, and I'm still 11 midgets and 49 camels short of my goal.
At the end of the universe you might find a door with a "Do Not disturb" sign hanging from the handle. And behind that door is a thousand one-armed angels clapping to form the sound commonly known as thunder. Don't make the mistake of showing up wearing a full suit of armor, because you'll only make more work for them. -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo is like concrete. He's very hard, and you don't want to get mixed up with him.
A blessing from The Mythical Mr. Boo: May your penis be like a flower, and your boxers like a swarm of bees.
A blessing from The Mythical Mr. Boo: May you be like the Tooth Fairy as you notice you are up to your knees in teeth. And may those teeth be attached to the jaws of a Great White shark. -Jarod Kintz
One day the Mythical Mr. Boo and I we were walking down by the river, and he turned to me and said, "I'll bet the moment after you decide to jump off a bridge is the moment you reach enlightenment. Life would finally makes sense for you. The concrete-like water would impact your life spiritually just seconds before it impacts you mortally." "Perhaps," I said as I continued chewing the bottom of my show, on the spot where minutes before I had stepped in fresh gum. "But would you still reach enlightenment if you jumped into the water because your back was on fire?" The Mythical Mr. Boo shrugged his shoulders slightly as he slowly said," Don't we all run through life as if our backs are on fire?" -Jarod Kintz
I’m not a natural leader. In fact, I’ve been known to try to follow my own shadow. But it was dark, and it was able to elude me.
I wish I could trade places with my shadow for one day. And then trade places with another shadow, because I’d love to be able follow a beautiful woman around all day long and not have to deal with another restraining order. -Jarod Kintz
Growing up, my father used to shuffle girlfriends around like they were cards in a deck, even though he already had a full house. he even dated twins once. I guess he had a thing for two pairs.
I always wear my life preserver to the weekly No Limit Texas Hold 'Em tournament, just so I never drown on the river, like Father did.
I was playing poker last week, and I got beat by the big blind. Man, he really knocked the hell out of me with that cane of his.
I used to have an earring on my tongue. At one point, it was even attached to the ear I bit off.
The Fountain of Youth By Jarod Kintz
One day, while scouring a pawn shop, I found a map that claimed to lead to the Fountain of Youth. Well, after buying the map and trekking for days, I finally found it.
Once I got there, however, I saw that it was more of a spring than a fountain. No matter, all I cared about was checking the validity of the map.
So I pulled off my backpack and brought out my test items. First, I dipped a raisin int he water, and to my astonishment it emerged as a plump grape.
Ecstatic, I took off my old wrinkled shirt and rinsed it off. No sooner had I wrung it out that I noticed the shirt appeared freshly ironed, and it looked brand new--and amazingly, the tags from the store were miraculously on it.
Finally, as my last little experiment, I tossed the new Pet Shop Boys album in the water and waited for a second. Nothing happened. Ten minutes later, and still nothing had happened. Then it occurred to me that nothing, not even the Fountain of Youth, could bring back The Pet Shop Boys' career. -Jarod Kintz
Renaldo's My girlfriend bought a push-up bra because she liked the idea of clothing giving her both support, and a work out. But then, that's the kind of silly thing you have to put up with when you date a fourteen year old.
Sometimes I like putting on my duck costume as I come quacking into the bedroom. And usually my girlfriend won't even look up as she says, "You're such a fowl man." -Jarod Kintz
Renaldo's girlfriend bought a push-up bra because she liked the idea of clothing giving her both support, and a work out. But then, that's the kind of silly thing you have to put up with when you date a fourteen year old. -Jarod Kintz
I want to write a book called "The Portrait of A Young Ron as an Artest." It’ll be the struggle of a poor Catholic African American who battles with his lust over basketballs, juxtaposed to his constant guilt over his sinful ways. Later in life, once he enters the NBA, he realizes that his aesthetic values are his true nature, and he allows himself to fall in love with a leather Spalding basketball.
Why is it that a zipper has teeth, not wings, yet it's called a fly, and not a jaw?
No matter how many chickens you eat, you'll never be able to sprout wings out of your anus and be able to fly away, which is a shame when you consider that the penis points in the opposite direction as the anus, so a sensible man would be wise to follow the contrary route.
A man who cheats on his wife and then cries "Honey" should be stung by a swarm of bees.
I remember at the last company picnic how Edmond seemingly had eyes like spider webs, as flies seemed to invest themselves by infesting both his eye sockets. Thinking back, I probably should have told him the reason they were there was because he had potato salad stuck on his eye brows, but at the time, swatting his face with the fly swatter just seemed like the more appropriate thing to do. -Jarod Kintz
All the townsfolk remember the rainstorm of ‘99. How could they not? It rained for weeks, and the rain drops seemed to be the size of buckets. I know, because each drop would fill up an entire bucket.
Every house in the town had at least two holes in their roof, and most of the households only had two buckets to catch the water drops that leaked down during storms. Two buckets was all anybody ever needed, or so they thought. But nobody had seen a storm like the storm of ‘99 before.
And the townsfolk all laughed at me when, in the spring of ‘98, I opened up a shop selling a wide variety of buckets. Buckets, buckets, I sold nothing but buckets. Actually, I sold nothing. At least not until the almost Biblical storm of ‘99 came along.
Oh, how I smile when I remember how they all huddled in my store, just begging to buy my buckets. Why, after that storm, not only was I the wealthiest man in town, but I was also the most popular.
Shortly after the storm, I ran for office. I would say I won by a landslide, but that became a sensitive word after the storm. As the new mayor, I decreed that the town’s name be changed to Bucketville. Nobody objected.
But that was years ago, and I’ve since moved on to a new town. A town so poor that nobody even has a pot to piss in. Well, at least not until Tuesday, when my new store opens up. What am I going to sell? Why, pots, of course.
Pots, pots, all I’ll sell is pots. Yes, the townsfolk will probably laugh. They always do. But in a few years, I’ll be the one who’s laughing, especially when I pack up and move away from the newly named town of Potsville. -Jarod Kintz
Nobody ever remembers the guy who gets second place, except for when that guy (Renaldo) stabs the winner with a number two pencil, as he did in the 2000 NCAA Spelling Bee.
I'd call it a late-night craving, a hunger. Her legs looked unbelievable good underneath that mini skirt. All I could think about was getting her home, ripping off all her clothes, and shoving her into the oven. Say, how'd a chicken ever get into this nightclub anyway? -Jarod Kintz
Aliens might be as green as avocados, but I'll bet they don't taste as great as guacamole when you mash them up.
It was "The Harshest winter" on record, even though the album only came out on digital format.
I want to start a band called "The Scorpios." We'll be like "the scorpions," but not quite. instead of songs like "Rock you like a hurricane," we'll sing "rock you like a tropical depression." And while they might have jumped around on stage, we'll lay lethargically in La-Z-Boys as we croon to the crowd.
My girlfriend's battery died this morning, so she asked me to jump her car. And I nearly cleared it too, but my right foot got caught on the spoiler and I came crashing down on the roof.
It was only on those sunny summer days, and through the close inspection of my magnifying lens, that I came to discover that ALL ants are Fire Ants. -Jarod Kintz
I went to a mime-oholics meeting once, but nobody would open up and talk about anything.
Instead of making business cards that will fit inside a wallet, why not make a business card with slits in it big enough to hold a wallet? It's better if someone loses their wallet, rather than my business card anyway, right? -Jarod Kintz
I threw my cell phone off the diving board and into the pool the other day. Talk about false advertising. It calls itself a flip phone, but it couldn’t do shit.
If I was an African dictator, I’d make my country’s flag nothing but vertical black and white stripes. That way, every time I’d impale a zebra on a pole, I could feel patriotic as its fur flaps in the wind.
I pray that archaeologists one day discover physical proof that the ancient Egyptians worshipped and venerated cats, by unearthing evidence of a furball that had been coughed up by a Pharaoh. Then I’ll have something to restart conversations with, after I myself hack up a hairball at my next party.
Scars By Jarod Kintz
People always ask me, “Jarod, How’d you get those deep scars across your face and shoulder?”
“Good question,” I always reply. “Well, one day I was standing in line at Starbucks, talking to a buddy of mine. This must have been in ‘04. Anyway, I mentioned something to my friend about Ricky Gervais being a genius, when a voice behind me sarcastically asked, ‘Who’s that?’
“Well, me being slightly offended that I’d been interrupted by a stranger who’d been eavesdropping, I replied, ‘What’s the matter, asshole, have you been living in a cave or something?’
“And right as I turned around to look at him, that’s the moment that the powerful claws came down. Of course I don’t remember much after that because I immediately blacked out.” -Jarod Kintz
977 Comments:
original thought. Funny play on words.
-Brianna
such a provocative drawing. reminds me of the park.
-Sammy
The simple, clean lines of this drawing are almost as intriguing as the text. Very good.
Betsy
My friend is such an introvet. I can't seem to get him out of his shell. Maybe I should stop hanging out with a turtle.
-Orafoura
I once knew an introvert too. Well actually I didn't know him. I just always saw him sitting in a cardboard box in the alley behind my house.
simplistic but awesome.
how true this is.
Introverts are sometimes the most
interesting. Great comic. I like the thought.
Jason
Ich masturbiere gern offen, aber fühle nie beschämt.
time spent alone is best spent with other people. who needs marriage when depression doubles as a screaming significant other? you can have a party with all the mad characters in this insane play, but the leading man will always be jack daniels.
These comics are so surreal, I thought I was being Punk'd I was laughing so hard.
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore
this website rocks!
This website is funny. I love the "I like to spoon after I fork" shirt LOL.
I can relate to spoon. Refer to "Hey, diddle, diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon." Most of those words mean something different now than they used to...
These comics are very philosophic. My friend, Red, told me about a man named Xerxes Yellow, who is a philosopher only interested in the green. Money that is. He sells "Knowcones", shaved ice that have been frozen while wise words played over a speaker in the freezer. Yellow asserts that a person can "soak up" the wisdom obtained through the frozen water. My advice: Don't eat Yellow's Knowcones.
-Jarod Kintz
came across your website while searching for snuff porn. pretty cool shit.
this picture reminds me of the time I was locked in my closet for weeks with nothing to wear but the pants on my back. I had no food so I ate those pants, with my legs still in them. But now I am just rolling through life on my wheelchair. Full of energy, and a healthy fear of closets. And moths.
-Jarod Kintz
I once knew an introvert who liked eating broccoli. But only by himself.
I didn't ask for directions, but the man with four arms felt obliged to smile and point anyway. It was only when he asked for a hug that I got a little worried. But I politely declined, shook his hands, and skidaddled on my way.
-Jarod Kintz
When I told my friends that I was taking a class in basket weaving, they all said it was a waste of time. Well I used my hair as my first project and now I don't have to carry a purse. I have now given up shaving to create a matching wallet.
I love to cook food for people I don't like. In the kitchen I turn into a giant fly as I spit in their food.
-Jarod Kintz
I like friends that agree with me and wisely say nothing when I am upset. Friends willing to help me in my time of need. Friends who would gladly give me the shirt off their back (preferably a current fashion) and not say one word about it. That's why I hang out with mannequins.
-Jarod Kintz
Lots of people like to use other people like toilet paper. But you realy can't blame them because they really just are pieces of shit.
-Jarod KIntz
Live your laugh like everyday is a new joke made just to make you smile.
-Jarod Kintz
Marriage is the union of two people. Divorce is when they go on strike.
-Jarod Kintz
As a woman I pride myself in being extremely good in the kitchen. I can whip up a husband in under thirty minutes.
Last night my band and I rocked out all night. I played air guitar nonstop until my fingers bled. Then I did some finger painting on the cave wall where I live.
-Jarod Kintz
Barron the bear, who used to be my proctologist, always used to ask me if there was fur in my stool. When I answered yes, I got scared. He told me not to worry, just to tell my girlfriend to shave, that's all.
-Jarod Kintz
I went to an opera last night. Instead of seats, there were beds. Best sleep I've ever had. Only the guy next to me kept stealing the blankets.
-Jarod Kintz
For women wrinkle cream is a lifesaver. For men its a wifesaver.
If a tree falls in love in the middle of the forest and nobody's around to se it, did it really happen?
-Jarod Kintz
I gave my frind a lumberjack in the box, and it hacked of all his limbs.
-Jarod Kintz
I never eat dinner at the pasture. Those waiters are so rude, always chewing in front of me. That's why I don't cow tip.
-Jarod Kintz
I always wear a helmet to the bar. Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young.
-Jarod Kintz
I love the way it feels swimming through fresh, cool, clean water. But my mother says that it is innappropiate at the dinner table.
Lauren Zimpel
He said he understood, but I could see in his eyes that he didn't. He's lying to me.
Introverts swim in their very own private cesspool, large enough to hold the God Almighty Ruler of One that they are.
I went ot the circus to have a little fun, but the 700 pound woman said she wasn't interested.
Fighting with your boyfriend is like the flu. It leaves you with puffy eyes, a runny nose and a sore throat, plus the only cure is a little bit of time and TLC.
Celebrity gssip is much more fun than celibatory gossip.
Lauren Zimpel
I love the "I like to spoon after I fork" T-Shirt, I love it, I love it, LOVE IT!
I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.
-Jarod Kintz
When I was young and foolish (yesterday), I was in a band called the "The Oil Spills." Man, were we slick.
-Jarod Kintz
When drinking beer, think outside the Becks.
-Jarod Kintz
Death starts when life ends. But when life starts, what ends? Maybe it's some game show where you have to choose something behind three closed doors. Next time I'm knocking first, and if my dad answers, I'm out of there.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to want to go into the oil business, but it's too crude for me.
-Jarod Kintz
I haven't met many lawyers that I didn't like. But then again, I haven't met many lawyers.
-Jarod Kintz
I have a friend who's always looking for sex. He keeps finding it in between the couch cushions. That's where I loose my change, so I guess I'm paying for him to get laid.
-Jarod Kintz
The first time our eyes locked, I knew I had forgotten the key in my other pants.
-Jarod Kintz
My penis' name is Pride. Pride is something every woman should be filled with.
-Jarod Kintz
I always keep a spare set of keys in a spare set of pants that are folded up and stuffed in my wallet in case I lose either my pants or my keys or both, as I did yesterday while enjoying myself at the petting zoo.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm allergic to fingers, so I have to eat pizza with my feet. You should see me eat on the run.
-Jarod Kintz
When it comes to committment men would rather be tied up than tied down. They think of it as being committed to an institution where devotion is the sedetive and sex is like the weekly trip to the doctor.
Lauren Zimpel
After driving fourteen hours strait yesterday, I threw out my back. Then I got pulled over. I can't believe the how expensive the fines are for littering.
-Jarod Kintz
I like wearing my magic pants to the bar. They bring me luck with the ladies. I bought them from some emperor guy. Most people can't see them.
-Jarod Kintz
Everyday is Halloween for me. Asking strange people for candy and then aggressively searching their pockets is what I call amusing. More people need to carry candybars in their wallets.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm surprised about your luck with the Magic pants. The ladies look during my entrance, but then there's giggles and whispers. Any style advice?
regards,
Renaldo "Fetish porn midget" Perez
Dear Renaldo,
Thanks for your inquiery into my success with my magic pants. While it is true I do get snickers and scoffs from the ladies at the size of my, um, member, I have learned a valuable lesson. It's a simple matter of ratio. A two inch penis (I'm not trying to brag) is not impressive to a five foot six girl. But it is a behemoth to a woman of dwarfish stature. Best of luck in your cinematic endeavers. P.S. Did the emperor sell you any magic condoms by any chance?
-Jarod KIntz
I purchased some magic condoms once. I got them from a strange dove on a street corner. So they have to be legit right?
Larry Poo Looza
Larry,
Was this dove wearing a trenchcoat and flashing older gentlemen. If Yes, you met Heinrich. And yes, those magic comdoms are safe. Unless you ate them. Oh god, Larry, please tell me you didn't eat the condoms?
Very Concerned,
Jarod Kintz
Weel my life partner, who happens to be a St. Bernard did.I bought the beef flavored ones because he likes them, why is that a problem?
Wendy A.K.A Larry,
I guess beef's not just for dinner, it's now for foreplay, huh? He should be fine. But he doesn't sound like a Saint, does he?
-Jarod Kintz
Nah, he is. I call him Lucipher. It's our little pet name.
Wendy
Larry A.K.A. Wendy,
There is nothing "little" about a St. Bernard. I know Renaldo wouldn't think so.
-Jarod Kintz
Yeah well you dont know Luciphers anatomy. Why do you think I was looking for the flavored condoms?
Wendy
Because I'm all pinkies, I never break my rule of thumb.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is business. A merger where two become one. Rape is a hostile takeover.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex has lost its nutritional value. where's the vitamin O? and get rid of condoms, women need protein.
-Jarod Kintz
On second thought, lets not get rid of condoms. That would be a silly idea, on par with getting rid of poor people. And we can't just get rid of poor people... can we?
-Jarod Kintz
I like blue shirts, especially when they are green. But not on me. But I am color blind, so what do I know. I do like gray shirts, I think. A color is a concept, and that's all I know. I am glad I can see concepts, all though I am concept blind too. Everything is also black and white to me.
-Jarod Kintz
Everything is black, white and red to me. Although not in the communist sense of the word. Although I have no problem with red communists, I prefer them pink.
-Jarod Kintz
Pink communists? Why that is absurd! Everyone knows that communosts are violet, like the gentle hue of a pegonia.
Someone who knows.
How do you know about communism? Are you former K.G.B? The revolution needs you. We will attack city hall next week. Can you handle a weapon? How are you with dental floss? I am great. I've won many awards and a plaque or two. That's no lie, that's the tooth. Bring the sausage to show your loyalty.
-Jarod Kintz
Well not only am I good for the sausage but i've got a few links. I am not so good with dental floss but my weapon od choice is dishwashing detergent. Never underestimate the power of a clean fork.
If you have to dig to find yourself, you are probably dead.
-Jarod Kintz
I just got back from visiting my uncle and his family in Kentucky. If they had a million dollars for every tooth tey had, they's have a milion dollars. You can buy a lot of floss with a million dollars. At least two packages I think. Let me check my math...yep, two.
-Jarod
I wonder when the housing bubble is going to burst? I hate gum. I'm tired of living in a bubble anyway. I'd rather live in a housing tube. But not a fallopian tube, that's just nasty.
-Jarod Kintz
I met a homeless chicken last night. He kept egging for some change.
-Jarod Kintz
If some men are truly born to be assholes, does that mean that they were concieved by way of anal sex?
Last night I went to a deaf sex fest. It was an orgy of hearing aids and lots of groping in the dark.
-Jarod Kintz
Up is down when your walking backwards on your hands up an escelator that's going down.
-Jarod Kintz
I am both a miner and a proctologist. The rocks you get from this quandary is a polished puzzle that smells like money. And I would know, I wipe my ass with foreign currency.
-Jarod Kintz
When a lawyer dies, it can be a real laws to society. To have loved and lawst is true justice. But I'll never cry over a lawyer. I'd most likely piss over him.
-Jarod Kintz
Love at first sight is an elevator: it doesn't stair.
-Jarod Kintz
If looks could call, would you pick up the phone?
-Jarod Kintz
Beauty never sleeps, it breasts.
-Jarod Kintz
King Arthirteen and the twelve knights of the round table. They were all poisened by a man named Grail at what is now being called the laced supper.
-Jarod Kintz
I love taking cold upside down golden showers. Especially when they are brown.
-Jarod Kintz
I love riding in a car packed with people from another country. Especially if that country is Mexico. How do you say Chinese fire drill in spanish?
-Jarod Kintz
I like sitting on strange people's sofas looking spaced out. It's even better if I am not wearing any pants and chewing on loose pieces of baloney that I found in between the cushions.
-Jarod Kintz
I am not a monkey wrench. I do not date loose women. Stripped, yes, loose, no.
-Jarod Kintz
Our love was a leper of a flower, a bicycle with no petals. The time we shared was like the handlebars that weren't there. And the car crash that was the breakup was inevitable. And this wheelchair with one wheel that I now sit upon is like my future as a bachelor. The thing you did to me that I hated so much is the one thing I now need desperately: somebody to push me around.
-Jarod Kintz
I played a solo air guitar concert last night for a bunch of deaf people. I have never seen people more pissed off in my life. Maybe I was playing too loud for them, or I was just out of tune, but they attacked me screaming at me with their angry fingers.
-Jarod Kintz
I like walking in the rain so nobody knows I wet my pants.
-Jarod Kintz
It's been saud, "the worst thing about loving you is watching you love someone else." I feel like this when I masturbate in the mirror.
-Jarod Kintz
If you were invisible, and I could see through you, would I have x-ray vision?
-Jarod Kintz
Glowsticks can be fun, yet painful, if not properly lubed up.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't recommend packaging large amounts of people into small boxes, unless you are just overnighting them. But only then if you get a delivery confirmation signed by G.I. Joe. Mathilda the warrior king agrees that this is the best method for shipping troups quickly. And don't worry about insurance on that package, with all those warrior people stuffed in there, it is fairly safe. Unless you accidentally pack the bombs inside with the men, then I would definitely go with the insurance, and NOT the delivery confirmation. That is, unless Joe says it's OK to do both. Our defence funds are quite tight, you know.
-Jarod Kintz
If you find a pair of panties in your friend's sofa, is it fair game to sniff them? Even when you hid some thongs in the icecream to save the freshness? What if your friend eats the ice cream, and breaks your Tonka truck, and does not offer to buy you some new lengerie in payment? And who brought the fish with the afro? These and other questions I intend to answer while I walk my kangaroo off a cliff.
-Jarod Kintz
Does the fish with the afro always wear the bowl full of water on his head? And did he eat my glowsticks and lubrication?
-Jarod Kintz
So you're the one who ratted me out. I knew there was a certain look in his eyes the day after the orgy with the farm animals. I could tell he knew. I've seen that look before in him. It was in vietnam, when he used to solicit sex from the officers. A combination of loathing and pure lust. But that was nothing to the vietnamese artist I came across. He liked to paint with his hair. Only he was bald, so the canvases were blank. He was always trying to get the officers toupee for his pieces. Arthur eventually would barter his sexual services for one of these blank canvases. But me and Mathilda defaced it by urinating all over it. We then sold it back to the artist for the princely sum of his father, Twan.
-Jarod Kintz
Who told you of the banana trick? And Twan loved Arthurs fingers. But not as much as my nimble fingers. I have long fingers like a pianist, that's why I play the drums. Plus, Mathilda and I plan on using those sticks with you on our honeymoon. So where do you want to go? Mathilda has his heart set on taking over Vegas. that way, we get a tax break because we comingle business with pleasure. We're in the business of war. War and bananas. They go hand in hand. Or, hand in ass as Arthur likes it. He's such a slut. I can't believe he told you about Twan. I bet he was also bragging to you about my huge cock. What'd he tell you, three inches? I would go along with that, but you are going to find out soon enough. He's just jealous, that's all. It's three and a half. In fact, when all three of us are together, we have damn near eight inches of dick. But that is neither her nor there, or anywhere except in vietnam, where Arthur should have left Twan if Mathilda had anything to do with it. Did Arthur tell you anything about the mangoes?
-Jarod Kintz
I took a picture of my crotch, but my dog ate it. And boy are my balls hurting.
-Jarod Kintz
You are sick.
I have also made out with an elevator. It was alright. He always pushed the wrong buttons while going down on me.
LZ
If the masses are doing it, it's never right---unless you are selling it to them.
-Jarod Kintz
My mother always asks me " If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?" And to that I reply "yes, why would I want to be on this planet all alone!"
LZ
I always wanted to be a super hero. It's hard though when your Catapedaphobic.
Young country woman who tends to get around : Bobbie Bo Jobs.
Single man who loves his right hand : Jack Constantine
Ugly man who thinks he's hot : Hylin Ieve
Girl who always falls for the wrong guys : Lauren Zimpel
Larry,
If two people meet at the park and each brings something of value to a relationship, can there be a date set up? If I buy the dinner, I must use a coupon. I like my discounts. I'm a Wal Mart shopper. At three thirty in the morning, you meet some very interesting people in the parking lot. There are so many obese people in the world, especially at Wal-Mart, which is why I park in the farthest spot away from the door, so that I can get my exorcize. Nobody does business with a fat man, unless it is his wallet that is bulging, which mine will be.
-Jarod Kintz
RoRoUrBoat,
I just did a load of laundry, and I washed all of my socks. There is nothing better than doing laundry while you are working. The dogs can track you if your socks smell funny. A watchdog goes blind when his nose isn't working. I don't think a dog is man't best friend. I think an albino donkey is. People go crazy for their albino donkey. But only a purebred albino donkey. It has to be pure-strait from the jungle where men are monkeys, and dogs don't bite the hands that feed them. Capitolism is great for raising pets. It was harder to domesticate animals in a communist society.
-Jarod Kintz
Jarod,
I just drank my morning coffee, and I take it with lots of cream and sugar. Some beans are stronger than others. This new hurricane is going to get lots of people wet. I am bringing an umbrella.
-Larry
Larry,
Yes, lots of people are going to get drenched. But I wear a wetsuit in the shower, and I sleep with an introveted umbrella. She never opens up to me, and I never tell her anything either. Some coffee is stronger than others, the same with people. If you stare at a map of the earth too long, you start thinking you can see the whole world at a glance. Never forget that the shortest distance betwen two points is a strait line, except if that line is the border to Mexico-even with this new storm coming.
-Jarod Kintz
Abstractions speak louder than words.
-Jarod Kintz
Making love to you was never second best. It wasn't even in the top ten.
Lauren Zimpel
I love to play on words. But Words hates it. Especially when I wear my high heels.
Lauren Zimpel
I love sketching peoples faces with my markers. The colors are so vibrant. You know, vibrance can be lost, in the ink of an eye.
Lauren Zimpel
I love sketching peoples faces with my markers. The colors are so vibrant. You know, vibrance can be lost, in the ink of an eye.
Lauren Zimpel
Sex is like double sided tape. Sticky no matter which way you flip it.
Lauren Zimpel
I talked to Jesse earlier today, and he said his mother grounded him for sassing her. Are we still meeting at the tree fort tonight at nine? Do you know if Randall has the binary laser defribulator?
-Jarod Kintz
To Susie: Remember when we met at the sandbox last thursday? You said you liked my Tonka truck. I said I liked your slippers. Then you threw sand in my face and called me a pervert.
-Jarod Kintz
Grandmother is coming over tonight, and you know how she likes to comb my hair after my bath. And the wallpapering is next week. Mathilda is out sacking San Fransisco, and we'll need his tools to tear down the central wall and comingle the space. I picked up this fabulous pink rug at Target today that will really represent our anarchiscic goals as a group. Thanks for reminding me about the detangler, without it she rips out patches of hair she pulls so hard. It seems Sue uses eveerybody for her own sexual deviant ends. Did I leave my Retractable Pentabloorian underneath your sofa last night?
-JArod Kintz
I can't believe he didn't try to pop your cherry. Coming from a man who loves Shirley Temples.
-Jarod Kintz
Fucking Jarod Kintz. We had a conversation about corn and he thought I was talking about aliens. He asked me if I knew why crop circles weren't squares. When I said I didn't know, he got so angry he pissed all over my new rug. Luckily for me I stole it.
-Maurice McFeces
If God is the alpha and the omega and everything in between, I am somewhere in between alpha and beta.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.
-Jarod Kintz
I just got back from visiting my uncle and his family in Kentucky. If they had a million dollars for every tooth they had, they's have a milion dollars. You can buy a lot of floss with a million dollars. At least two packages I think. Let me check my math...yep, two.
-Jarod Kintz
Did somebody say Space Porn? I've always wanted to get sucked off in a vaccuum.
-Jarod Kintz
After you have great sex, give yourself a hand. Do the same if you didn't get sex at all.
-Jarod Kintz
So I take it that you also buy the conspiracy theory of Lee Harvery Oswald not acting alone? And yes, most of us are all alone, with the exception of those individuals blessed with multiple personality disorder. I suscribe to many conspiracy theories by the way. And so do I.
-Jarod Kintz
Mr. Fu tell joke now. How many fortune cookie does take to start fight? None. Fortune cookie don't want no trouble.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm wish I could play the piano and surf, but I can't seem to fit my piano on my board.
-Jarod Kintz
Never punch a brick wall, unless it punches you first.
-Jarod Kintz
His penis is so thin, if he had two, he'd have a pair of chop sticks.
Actually, it's more like a lo mein noodle--always soft.
-Jarod Kintz
I tried out for the play, The King and I. I was going for the part of I, but something was off, I just wasn't myself during the audition.
-Jarod Kintz
If life throws you a battle and a paintbrush, don't paint the battlefield--stab someone with the brush.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wonder what being a cannibal and eating a cryogenically frozen person must be like. Just pop it into the microwave and dig in.
-Jarod Kintz
If I had a cat's razor tongue, and their flexibility, shaving my pubic region would be such an easy thing.
-Jarod Kintz
Question and answer with Jarod Kintz:
Q.I feel sorry for the clown, after all he's a clown! You could probably get a piece of ass walking out your front door.
A.Or wouldn't it be cool if they made doors out of nice pieces of ass? Then I could just ram myself into the front door.
I'm a contrarian among contrarians. I do what everybody else in the majority does.
-Jarod Kintz
As that famous pedophile, Alan Ginsberg, might have said, a pedophile, from the root pedophilia, which is broken into pedo and phelia, pedo meaning literally candy in Greek, and phelia which means distributor. So next time a strange guy comes up to you saying he's got some candy in his car, and your older friends say he's a pedophile, go ahead, follow him to his car.
-Jarod Kintz
I’m going to tell you a little story, Mr. Boo. It’s about a little boy who always dreamed of being a world record holder. Yet no matter how many query letters he sent out to Guinness Book of World Records he was always turned down. But that didn’t deter him. He kept training, and kept writing those emails. And after thousands of broken dishes, and sore spines from the weight of one too many bowling balls on the back of Mr. Fizzlebush, he finally might have a world record. You see, that little boy is me, and to the best of my knowledge, this is the world’s longest cohesive comment known to man. It’s the Great Wall of China of comments. This could probably be seen from space. But I’ll have to write NASA just to be sure.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm creating a new word, zooxed, and it means excited.
-Jarod Kintz
I was on a date once, and the girl thought I was too good to be true. She asked me if I wasn't really an axe murderer. Of course I'm not an axe murderer, I replied. Axes are much too messy for my style. I prefer suffocating my victims. You should have seen the look on her face. She couldn't speak; she was breathless, but not as breathless as later on that night when I had to get rid of her because she had become a liability.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm a walking erection, I don't need Viagra. I've got enough blood flowing through my penis to feed an army of mesquitos.
-Jarod Kintz
I love forward women who can also cook. My ex girlfriend said before our first date, "you bring the semen and I'll bring the eggs." Now that's my kind of omelette.
-Jarod Kintz
For all of this sex talk my penis is remarkebly detached.
-Jarod Kintz
If I could read minds, and travel through thought, I'd need a telepathport.
-Jarod Kintz
Another useless thought at the REM level. "93% of the world might as well be 95%, because who cares about that 2% of the population anyways?"
-Jarod Kintz
life has a way of putting life into perspective, but not the same way as death has a way of putting life into perspective.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd love to catch you on a good day. I'd love to catch you when you fall. I'd love to catch your vomit with my face, as I make my way down the hall.
-Jarod Kintz
Sure, goats can be fun. But many great men have fallen from grace from enjoying a goat with their son.
-Jarod Kintz.
I'd have loved it if you vomited in my face because I was starving. But if I had eaten, I'd have vomited your vomit, which is a terrible waste. So it worked out for the best.
-Jarod Kintz
There was once a mighty cigarette who killed many men. And on the other side of the world there was a match that had burned many men. And on that fateful day that they met in a smokey bar, the cigarette knew he had finally met his match. And I think you can figure out the moral of the story: never steal from a vegetable, even if you are the gardener and it's his garden.
-Jarod Kintz
There was once a mighty cigarette who killed many men. And on the other side of the world there was a match that had burned many men. And on that fateful day that they met in a smokey bar, the cigarette knew he had finally met his match. And I think you can figure out the moral of the story: never steal from a vegetable, even if you are the gardener and it's his garden. Another moral of the story might be to not hang out in bars with man eating cigarettes and fire breathing pieces of wood.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Citi Bank,
to the best of my knowledge, it occurred to me that Citi Bank does not have a corporate mascot. And I feel a company of your girth and length has got to have a mascot. But it's got to be something better than just a walking credit card, or one of the Presidents on any denomination of dollars. No, you need something that represents your company. When I think of banks, I think of little pink piggy banks. And when I think of little pink piggies, I think of little green frogs. And when I think of little green frogs, I think of Mr. Fizzlebush, who loves eating frogs. So I think it's only natural that Mr. Fizzlebush be your company mascot. And who better to wear the costume of a small cat (Mr. Fizzlebush is a Bombay) than his majesty Juan Carlos of Spain. And there's no better Juan Carlos impersonator than myself (people tell me I look just like him). So I'd like to play the part of Juan Carlos masquerading as Mr. Fizzlebush, who's representing Citi Bank. But if I do this favor for you, you've got to promise to reduce the interest rate on my credit card.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Bema Gold Corporation,
It is very pleasing to me to hear that you are a growing worldwide producer of gold. I was wondering how you produce the gold? I know that farmers have produce that they grow, but surely you don't grow the gold, do you? Or maybe you have a staff of alchemists who transform everyday scrap metal into gold. Have you ever considered trying to bottle up rainbows, and setting them in cages to trap leprechauns? Then, you'd have an endless supply of gold, as well as countless hours of entertainment at your child's next birthday party. It's just a thought, and I'm just the man to build such a contraption for you, seeing as my middle name literally means "Golden" in Latin. Well, either Golden, or greedy mouth or any other orifice of a pig. So I can help you with this. And if we can't trick the leprechauns, we can surely fool your stock holders (of which I am one, and I trick myself all the time) by dressing up Mr. Fizzlebush in all green and taking pictures to put out in your prospectus. People are often fools over gold. I wouldn't be surprised if every broker in the country doesn't have you on their hot picks of the year after we do this. I look forward to working with you.
Thank you,
Jarod "Golden" Kintz
Dear Campbell's Soup,
The best darn thing about chicken noodle soup has gots to be the noodles. I love me some noodles, mmmmhhhmmm. Sometimes I dye my hair blonde and I gets it wet just to make it look like I'm a noodlehead. then I walk around with a bowl on my head while I feed the chickens and wish I could glue one to my scalp. Then I'd be a chicken noodle head, and mamma would be proud. Mamma aint so proud of me now, she says I’m afraid of everything. She says if Campbell's made soup cans the size of vending machines, you could cut me up and throw me in and have the best chicken noodle soup ever. Mamma's crazy, but she's right. I'd be perfect for your soup. And Mamma need money real bad right now, or else she gonna lose the farm. So I wanna sell you my body to use in your soup so that Mamma can keep the farm. How much will you pay her for me? My math aint so good, but I reckon I ought to fetch at least twenty seven dollars. Please respond directly to me, because mamma cut my head off if she knew I was writing to you like this.
Your fellow noodle lover,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Western World,
I always felt that I was born in the wrong century, that I should have been born in the 1800s. But that would have meant that I'd have been born by my great, great grandmother, and she was much too old to be having sex. But I always wanted to be a cowboy, but I'm allergic to cowboy boots. Every time I put some on, my whole body convulses and breaks out into line dancing. And I always wanted to own a ten-gallon cowboy hat too, but that's too much water to keep filling it up with. So I was wondering if I could get some cowboy flip flops, and a three gallon cowboy hat custom made? And does the hat come with fish, or do I have to buy those separately at the pet store? I can't wait to get my western wear, so that I can be on my way to being like John Wayne, or Billy the Kid. That's the cool thing about a cowboy: if I saw a normal person in the street with a gun, I would be skeptical. But if I saw a cowboy gun down a man outside of a bar, I wouldn't think twice, because hey, he's a cowboy. I look forward to hearing back from you soon.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Bed Bath and Beyond,
Sometimes I get depressed when I come home after a long day of work, possibly because I don't work and I wonder why it was such a long day. But regardless of why, I am writing to you about the what. My bed is lonely, and my comforter if useless. I am wondering if you sell talking comforters because the silence of my old one is not very comforting at all. I not only want it to talk, but moreover, I want it to be supportive. Can you program it to say a few select phrases such as "the reason you are sleeping alone is because it's very intimidating for women to be involved with a sex god," and "I love wrapping myself around you, baby. And not only are you a great cuddler, but you are a one man freak show under the sheets." I am willing to pay top dollar for this comforter.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Ringling Museum of Art,
I'd like to meet a clown named Art. I'd take him to your museum, hang him on the wall, laugh at him and leave. I believe art is not only in the product, but is also in the process. I feel that there is a place where performance art meets traditional art. This is why if I abducted a clown using only duct tape and spare unicycle parts, tossed him into my trunk, and drove down to your museum before presenting you the final piece to hang on the wall, I would not be committing a crime, because it's just a performance, right? I have a short list of potential center pieces for my work. Names like Razzles, Big Shoe, and Giggles, and I know there daily routines and what time is the most opportune for this artistic operation. I hope you'll be interested in hanging my piece at your fine museum.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear National Dairy Council,
I'm glad milk isn't alcoholic, because then, when little kids eat their cereal in the morning, they'd show up drunk to school. And unless they're old enough to drive, I'd tell them not to eat cereal. Also, cows would have liver problems if their milk were alcoholic. But it might make it more understandable why they throw up so much. And for me then, the ultimate alcoholic drink would be a White Russian. But an alcoholic milk might be just what this country needs. Do you think you can come out with an alcoholic milk? Maybe instead of feeding the cows grass, you could feed them booze. I think your demographic would shift slightly. No longer would milk be for the kids, but it would also be for the lonely. And nobody's lonelier than my buddy Brody. You could use him in your new ad campaigns, and use the slogan, "Milk, it does a Brody good." Let me know what you think.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Wilson,
You guys are the royalty of the racquets, the crown of the court, the emperor of the fuzzy yellow balls, so maybe you can help me clear something up. Even though I don't play tennis all that much, I find that I suffer from tennis elbow on my on my forehead, and I can't wear a hat because it gets in the way. Is this strange growth a byproduct of a defective serve? Should I stretch more before I play? I hope you guys can tell me how to fix my tennis elbow-forehead, because I'm playing Mr. Boo next weekend, and I have to be ready. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Trust,
Trust. What is it? How does one obtain it? Your company is the epitome of trust, and it's not that I don't think you're untrustworthy, because I do. I just can't trust myself to trust you when I'm with you, even when I'm all alone at my computer. I like my solitude at my computer like a cat likes sleep, and your mouse makes me feel comfortable when I'm writing. In fact, I find comfort with all your computer products. So is a feeling of comfort the same as a feeling of trust? If so, then I guess I do find trust in you. But I can honestly say that if comfort is trust, I don't trust you enough to sleep with you. I'm sorry, you're just not there yet.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
If boredom were an erection, I'd be John Holmes right now.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Frito Lay; Specifically Rold Gold,
Hello, my name is Jarod, but my friends call me Pretzelboy. Not because I'm particularly flexible, but because they always forcibly shove me into the oven. But they always take me out before it gets too hot in there. Good friends like mine are hard to find. They do all of this, they say, because of the way I talk. You see, I long to have a pretzel for a tongue. It'd be like a puzzle in my mouth, a constant tongue twister. Sadly though, my tongue is not a pretzel. But that's precisely why I consume so many pretzels. I'm always stuffing my mouth with them, and then trying to carry on conversations with people, or just by myself. I'm constantly working on my language skills. And it's because I'm fanatical about pretzels, and am a master orator (if I may be so bold in saying so), that I feel I'd be the ultimate public relations spokesperson for Rold Gold. I want to come work for you.
Thank you,
Jarod "Orator" Kintz
Dear Hardees,
My buddy, Pete Blankenhorn, just informed me that you have a guarantee from your president, Andy Puzder, that says, "If you don't agree with me that these are the best tasting burgers you can get anywhere, just let me know and I'll happily refund your money.” Well, we used to think that they were the best tasting burgers until we tried Bubba Burgers. Now Pete, whose brain is like a calculator, except that there is no square root function button anywhere on his forehead, calculated the accumulated cost for both me and him, of over two years worth of Thickburgers everyday, at well over a thousand dollars. And I think Pete would want his half of the money in small, unmarked bills delivered in a briefcase by a woman wearing red panties. As for me, I'll take my 500 dollars in the form of small, unmarked panties worn by women delivering briefcases full of money. I hope to hear back from you on this, and you hold up your companies guarantee.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Wendy's,
I recently saw one of your coupons for a free sandwich, and on the coupon it said: coupon not for sale. This confused me since the coupon is taking the place of money in getting the sandwich, and therefore must be exactly the same price as the value of the sandwich. And I know, for example, that if I have a dollar, I can legally trade that for another dollar from anybody I want to. But ok, your store, your rules. But can I take that coupon, get the sandwich, and then turn around and take it to the street corner where I have a vending cart set up and resell it? It's my sandwich, you gave it to me. Do you guys mind if I park my truck in the back of your lot and set up shop tomorrow during lunch? Please get back to me on this, your sandwiches will make me quite a bit of extra cash.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
(Revision)
Dear Hardees,
My buddy, Pete Blankenhorn, just informed me that you have a guarantee from your president, Andy Puzder, that says, "If you don't agree with me that these are the best tasting burgers you can get anywhere, just let me know and I'll happily refund your money.” Well, we used to think that they were the best tasting burgers until we tried Bubba Burgers. Now Pete, whose brain is like a calculator, except that there is no square root function button anywhere on his forehead, calculated the accumulated cost for both me and him, of over two years worth of Thickburgers everyday, at well over a thousand dollars. And I think Pete would want his half of the money in small, unmarked bills delivered in a briefcase by a woman wearing red panties. As for me, I'll take my 500 dollars in the form of small, unmarked panties worn by women delivering briefcases full of money. I hope to hear back from you on this, and I also hope that you hold up your companies guarantee.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Skippy,
I think that peanut butter is the greatest invention ever. It's much more important to me than say, the light bulb, for example. In fact, I wish light bulbs were made out of peanut butter. That way, when I go to spread grape jelly on the bulbs, like I do now, it won't smoke and start to emit foul odors. But a person can't live off of just eating peanut butter any more than one can sustain themselves on light bulbs. No, one needs a compliment item, like jelly, or lamps to complete the meal. And just like you can't eat your neighbor's lamp, neither can you eat all their peanut butter. I think that everyone is entitled, as Americans, to get to enjoy peanut butter every day. That's why I feel that part of our taxes should go to a peanut butter fund, so that no man, woman, or child has to go without peanut butter. I feel so strongly about this that I'm leading a march in Washington, to petition our government to adopt my policy. Peanut butter equals happiness. And that means that our Constitution states that men have the right to pursue peanut butter. Will you join me in my march in or nations capitol? I look forward to seeing you there.
Yours truly,
Jarod Kintz
This book (Emails From A Madman) is destined to make waves no matter which ocean you throw it in.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm fascinated by monolithic structures. Monolithic, meaning one lithic, because what the hell are you supposed to do with two lithics? If you do have more than one, maybe you should put on a cloak and engage in strange activities during summer solstace.
-Jarod Kintz
I like your pun, but introversion far from a bad thing, therefore your pun is incorrect. http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch
I know that website is great because I am an introvert.
Door-to-door vacuum salesman: My all time favorite band is The Tubes. And, just like my vacuum tubes at home, I'd love to have dirty sex with all of them.
-Jarod Kintz
Brothel madam: There is no self-serv in the brothel usiness. We service you. And you know, a prostitute doesn't sell her goods, she sells her services. Or, to put it differently, a prostitute doesn't sell her goods, she sells her bads. And she'll never take the good with the bad, she'll only take the bad with the naughty.
Grandma Swellz: If my feet were egos, they'd be swollen bigger than Donald Trump's head, and just as hairy too.
Maintennence guy: I don't measure the length of my relationships in months or years. I measure them by how many rolls of duct tape I use. So I'm a little kinky with the tape?
Buffet owner: My marriage was like a buffet, but my wife ran off on me and took all the plates. I don't know why either. If girth were greatness, I'd be Alexander. and I'd have conquered the known world of food.
Trish, the Dishwasher: Each plate I wash represents a moment in my mind. Thus, the dirtier the plates, the dirtier my mind. And I have a filthy mind. Oh, and that rumor that all the male servers are spreading, "Don't fudck Trish, she stinks like fish," well, people have been known to live a long time only eating fish everyday.
-Jarod Kintz
I am a sponge and you are the hand. I'll let you squueze me, but not until I go dry. Also, try not to rub me the wrong way.
Psychiatrist: You only think I'm listening to you, but the truth is the voices in my head are yelling way too loud for me to even hear you.
Taxi Driver: They should put road signs on sidewalks, so that these crazy pedestrians would learn how to walk. I'm the best driver in Dade county by far. If you're just going around the block, or if you want to run over to your buddy's house, I'm your man. I'll run you over--twice. Then I'll throw you in the swamp and let the gators dispose of you.
Manicurist: I'll give you a five finger discount, if you only have one hand.
Barber: Birds find shiny-headed bald men easier to shit on, and so do I. I hate bald men. They are genetically disposed to immunity from my business. If baldness was a sign of courage, I'd rather hang out with a pack of cowards. I can tall a lot about a person's character from their hair and how they style it. That's why I find that bald men have no character. You want to know the value of baldness? Take the tire, for example. Once it gets bald, what do you do? You get rid of it, that's what. A bald tire is a dangerous tire. It's the same with men.
-Jarod Kintz
I've always wanted to have sex at the speed of sound. Not like in a supersonic jet, but like going so fast it takes me about .000003 seconds to finish. And of course I've always wanted to hear a woman have an orgasm as loud as a sonic boom.
-Jarod Kintz
I guess a man with no legs doesn't wear the pants in any relationship, but if he also had no arms, could he wear the dress?
-Jarod Kintz
I never had a penis,
I never had a chance.
I never had a penis,
and I never wore the pants.
He never had a vagina,
he loved playing chess.
He never had a vagina,
yet he also wore the dress.
Our relationship was backwards
and very complex,
our relationship was backwards,
just like our sex.
-Jarod Kintz
Craziest place Mr. Fu ever have sex is house of mirrors. So crazy to Mr. Fu to jack off in front of all these mirrors. So freaky all these Chinamen watching Mr. Fu. But only Mr. Fu watching Mr. Fu jack off. Hmmmm Mr. Fu need to go back, only this time he take blindfold, make sex with self kinkier, and block out all the crazy Chinamen watching.
-Jarod Kintz
Mr. Fu once talk himself out of date because he too cheap to buy himself dinner.
-Jarod Kintz
Mr. Fu once talk himself out of date because he too cheap to buy himself dinner. Mr. Fu wouldn't even buy Mr. Fu egg roll. So Mr. Fu no jack off Mr. Fu that night.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish credit cards weren't little slivers of plastic, but were in fact people, like bankers, for example. Now that'd be a really strong motivator to get me to cut up my credit card.
Hate cars, not hitch hikers. If I ever see a hitch hiker, I always try to pick him up. Or at the very least i try to give him a piggyback ride into town.
If there were a cow the size of Texas, who would milk her? Hopefully some utter fool from Oklahoma would utter, "I will." But he'd better do it Sooner rather than later because I have a craving for an Oreo the size of Rhode Island.
-Jarod Kintz
Let the insanity in your mind be like the waves in the ocean. Let your thoughts ripple across your body and enjoy them. And try not to think about how some of your insights are bitter and acidic, like urine in the current. Hey, nobody ever said the waters of madness were warm.
-Jarod Kintz
Used Car Salesman: I think I know this asshole. Before I sold used cars, I sold used horses. Mostly to glue factories. Yeah, now it's coming back to me. I sold him that horse. That's a thoroughbred if I remember correctly. I think I jacked off all over the saddle. Wait, let me think about that. Ummm. Yep, sure did.
Door-to-door Vacuum Salesman: That Jarod, he's a funny son of a gun. I'd love to show him my vacuum cleaner and then let him suck me off.
Sometimes i wonder how she got into my thoughts through my pants. Then I remember that on that night I was walking around with my pants wrapped around my head.
Struggling Author: I love Jarod. He taught me a valuable life lesson once. He sat me down and told me, "Writing, like masturbation, is better when your mind is working faster than your hand." I never forgot that, and now I jack off all the time when I have writers block. And it usually helps me write.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes, when I'm playing with my Legos and I can't find a certain piece, I get sad as I start reflecting on all the friends I've lost over the years. But then I cheer up, because I know that if I just keep on looking, then I'll surely find them in one of my huge storage bins along with the rest of my Legos.
Sometimes I like to feed my goldfish. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have to replace my goldfish.
Sometimes I like to feed my goldfish. Sometimes I like to feed my fish gold. Sometimes I make jewelry out of my fish. Sometimes I feed my jewelry. But sometimes I flush my jewelry down the toilet.
Do bricks ponder their own mortarality?
My neighbor is as stupid as a cinder block for letting me throw him through his own car windshield.
Sometimes I like to ponder the meaning of life for a few minutes, or at least until the microwave timer goes off for the popcorn.
Two foreheads are better than one.
I'd like to meet a midget named Chip. We'd become best friends and be inseperable. I'd carry Chip around on my shoulder.
The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.
-Jarod Kintz
Does smoking really stunt your growth? If so, then now it all makes sense. The only reason I started smoking in the first place was because of peer pressure. All I used to hang out with was midgets, and they all smoked. So now I can see that cigarettes really can stunt a person's growth. Physically and mentally. They never grew up. Just last week they tried to destroy my tree fort.
-Jarod Kintz
This book (E-mails from a Madman) bends the rules with what's normal and what's abnormal. Is there a fine line? Or is it as blurry as my vision while I'm driving in my car (deer fear me). I'll let you decide for yourself. Muahahahaha (crazy laugh).
-Jarod "The Madman" Kintz
In the darkness of night, he rolled over in his bed he lovingly reached out for her hand. Smiling to himself he thought, At the first light of dawn, I'll have to go look for the rest of the body and decide where to dispose of it.
-Jarod Kintz
In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I'd like to tell him thanks for not pulling out when I needed him the most: conception.
-Jarod Kintz
I like those nervous first dates where I try to sneak in random physical contact. Like softly grazing my collar bone against her tibea. Or maybe "accidentally" tapping my elbow on her forehead.
I love the scent of a woman, especially when she is siting on my face.
My friend has had sex with half the women in this city. I think he had sex with the lower half of all the women.
-Jarod Kintz
If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mad Scientist: I need three female volunteers for a little experiment I'm conducting. I'm going to try to measure the reflexes of the male mouth. I want to see how fast on average it takes a man to smile after seeing a perfect pair of boobies. Who wants to help me conduct this?
-Jarod Kintz
The Mad Scientist: It was a rough night of heated passion. There were broken lamps, clothes thrown everywhere, and there was semen carelessly dripping from the test tubes.
-Jarod Kintz
Door-to-door vacuum salesman: Rufus stood, slouching in the doorway, his eyes looking down at the scuff marks on his white shoes. He couldn't bare to look at the deflated ego of the vacuum bag on the machine he loved so much. He knew what he'd done was unforgivable. Rufus had been with another vacuum, and he knew that their relationship was stained worse than Mothers living room carpet after Hoover had first ruptured Rufus' spleen.
-Jarod Kintz
My Heart is a Sink, a Place of Purity, yet You Shat on it. I've been crying ever since you cheated on me with that blonde haired bimbo named Roger. I've burned everything you've ever given me, except for the jewelry, because jewelry isn't flamable. And I didn't burn the Jimmy Choos, because I'm not about to burn my feet for you. I guess the only thing I really burned was your mother's house. She's the one who introduced you to Roger in the first place. I hear the firemen found her duct taped to the ceiling of the living room. They said she's burned pretty badly. I feel terrible about that. I should have duct taped her to the gas cans. Oh, by the way, I changed my number so it'd be harder for you to contact me. But then I just got done spray painting it on your mercedes, so you should find it pretty easily in the morning. Give me a call sometime. But don't let me put out the flame on your new romance. You know I'm one who likes to let things burn. I'd like to introduce Roger's skull to a sledge hammer. Heroes: My mother, for being so strong. She's the one who held that bitch up while I duct taped her to the ceiling.
-Jarod Kintz
As for the sawdust, I find the scent rather easy on the nose, at least when snorted in moderation.
-Jarod Kintz
Lex, the Eccentric: My love was a tapestry that you hung in your stone castle of a heart, before you viciouslyripped it down and burned it. About: Itchy dick, bleeding chicken strapped to a metal frame and hung on the wall, record player/microwave oven: music never tasted so fresh, the taste buds and ear drums are controlled by the same Druidian dwarf located in the medula oblongada. Who I'd like to meet: I'd like to meet a turtle who has a castle for a shell, who spends his days hiding and protecting himself by swimming in the moat that is built around his castle shell, because I can relate to that turtle. Don't flip me on my back and spin me. It's not funny to me. General: Hot chocolate waffles, the world is like a pancake: flat, and Columbus actually died by falling off the edge of the world into the syrrupy abyss. Music: The buzzing of gnats, coupled with the rhythmic ringing in my ears. Television: One night, in a rare enlightened moment, I thought my remote control was a sledge hammer, and that it worked by throwing it against the screen when I wanted to turn the TV off. I was right. Heroes: The first man who chews off his own legs before winning the Boston Marathon. I'd like to shake his hand (but I'll wait a few days after the race, since he ran the whole way on his hands).
Rich, the Musician: Music is mental masturbation that is best enjoyed under your best friend's bed. About: Every octave is an orgasm for the ears. Every song is a beautiful orgy of notes. If music appretiation were an erection, I'd be John Holmes.
Advertising/window washer: I'm not afraid of hypes.
Poetic Pervert: I scribble poetry in women's panties. I have the most erotic smelling poetry you'll ever read. With or without your permission, I'll take your panties to make a submission. I've submitted my poetry to Victoria's secret, Maxim, and even Playboy, with no success. If I were an editor, I'd love to get a pair of panties in the mail. General: Poetry, pilfering panties, pilows, porno, platitudes, pising, procrastination, product placement, pleasant people, pink and purple
If, instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs for fingers, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could run my fingers thru his hair.
Mr. Excitement: I'll be in the other room sleeping if you need me. About: My friends (Tony and Raul) call me Mr. Excitement. Have you ever tried whipping your head from left to right really fast as you try to take in the whole scene? well, my life's like that. It's a blur. It feels like everyday I wake up only to go back to sleep. But that's cool because i sleep naked. And nakedness is freedom. So I'm living my life on my own terms, and on my own mattress (well, actually it's tony's, but he lent it to me years ago and forgot about it). I'm the only person I know who has slept throgh a firedrill. Apparently, I pulled the alarm. Yeah, I sleepwalk. Sometimes I sleep run. I was asleep when I ran the Boston Marathon. I was so tired when I finished that I slept for another sisteen hours.
Growing up, it always seemed to me that my dad had as many freckles as there are stars. And, like real stars, some of the freckles seemed to move. Shooting freckles. Years later I found out that he wasn't really my father, but was in fact a planetarium.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm the only person I know who has slept throgh a fire drill. Apparently, I pulled the alarm. Yeah, I sleepwalk. Sometimes I sleep run. I was asleep when I ran the Boston Marathon. I was so tired when I finished that I slept for another sixteen hours.
Underground Comedian: Yes, I'm underground, and yes, my shows are dirty. About: By day I'm a grocer, by night I'm a stand up comedian, although I do all of my shows sitting down. I'm thinking of selling produce before each show. Hell, the crowds already throw tomatoes at me, I might as well be the one who sold the produce to them. I'd like to meet an audience of armless people. That way they can't throw shit at me.
Phil, the Philosopher: My thoughts are so chiseled you might mistake me for Rodin's 'The Thinker' About: I study human nature, and I tend to look at people from a different angle. Usually, I'm looking down at them, but occasionally I might look up their skirts. Who I'd like to meet: If people were ideas, I'd love to meet the most obese man alive. I love fat thoughts that stuff my mind to capacity. I gorge myself on grandious notions all the time. General: Pondering my role in the universe, as well as how a green condom could have ended up in my green Jell-O since the only other person I live with is my grandmother. Music: Wagner, same as Nietzsche
What good is a bath that's large enough to fit an elephant, but not an elephant and a bar of soap?
I don't understand these people that go to parties and drop people's names just to seem popular. They drop names like Acid.
I heard this story about a man who saw the Loch Ness monster in Canada, but it turned out to be just a myth. Yeah, it seems that Canada doesn't really exist, and was only invented into frightening little children into being good Americans.
In the Bermuda triangle, there are three sides to every joke. I'm trying to figure out the side that gets lost on people.
I used to box a bit in the Bermuda Triangle. I lost a few rounds and to this day I can't tell you how they disappeared.
I used to work for Charmin, but they shit all over me when they fired me.
-Jarod Kintz
In my last relationship, I was tossed aside like a book in a waterfall, and it tore me apart.
-Jarod Kintz
Mr. Excitement: I'd like to meet a man who has a pillow for a face. I think we'd be best friends. One minute I'd be crying on his shoulder, and the next minute I'd be punching him in the forehead.
-Jarod Kintz
The Underground Comedian: I'd like to meet a tomato who tells bad jokes, because what are you going to throw at him?
-Jarod Kintz
I wish underwear were made out of rubber, like tires, because I don't like changing them very much.
Mannie, the Manicurist: If you only had one hand, I'd give you a five finger discount. About: To me, cuticles are like deadlines--you've got to keep pushing them back so they don't get in the way. fingernails are like children. They grow on you. Nobody likes to take care of other people's children, but I love taking care of other people's nails. I live for it. It's also my hobby. I collect fingernails from every city I visit. I keep them in glass jars that I hide throughout my house. Then, when a jar gets full, I'll take the jar and grind up all the nails into fine powder that I use in my chili sauce that I enter in the state fair every year. Several of the judges are my clients. Of course I keep the ingredients a secret. I'd like to meet: If all the trees in America were giant fingernails, I'd like to meet Paul Bunyon and form a business partnership with him. General: I don't file paperwork very well, but i can sure file fingernails with the best of them. Usually, the first thing I'll notice about a person is their nails. Unless they are wearing no pants, then, if they are also wearing no shoes, I tend to notice their toenails first. Music: Nine Inch Nails: I'd love to trim Trent Reznor!
Laughter, like a box of cookies, is best shared with your friends. Unless you have fat friends, because they really shouldn't be eating cookies.
I want to live in a house where laughter fills the halls. I want there to be so much laughter that I have to rent a storage unit to put the kids in because there is simply no other place for them.
Laughter is a large part of my life. It takes the form of my obese boss, Jennifer, who I enjoy laughing at.
It's easy to treat all your friends equally when you only have one friend. It also makes it much easier to shoot your friends.
-Jarod Kintz
Used Car Salesman:
Listen, Pal, I'm sorry the car I sold you broke down. Really I am *yawns* but what can I tell ya? That "contract" I had you sign was my divorce papers from that broad I called my wife. Yeah, I didn't have the balls to sign it. Life's rough, son. Why don't you come by the lot on Tuesday and check out the new beater, I mean Beamer I have. The car I sold you had three wheels, this one has four. Top of the line German engineering with this beaut. Come on by and have a looksee. I think you'll be impressed. I'll even cut you a deal just for being my most respected *rolls eyes* customer.
-Jarod Kintz
Mannie, the Manicurist: Heroes: For their strength and their courage to go where others couldn't, I've always looked up to my mother's fingernails. My fingernails won't let me watch TV. They start scratching at my eyeballs everytime I turn it on.
-Jarod Kintz
Door-to-door vacuum salesman: Keep the tunes rocking, my good man. I listen to you above the whirring sounds of my vacuum cleaner. When me and my girl (my vacuum) are getting freaky, your music really puts me in the mood. Love it!
-Jarod kintz
Trey, the Tree-Hugger: Trees are such good friends, they'll give you the bark off their back, even after you urinate on them. About: If there was a tree in a wheelchair, and a crippled man in a wheel barrow, I'd bury the man and push the tree around the block. I hate most people. If I could, I'd stay in the forest and make love to the trees all day long. But, out of respect for my grandmother, who I share a bedroom with, I don't do that. I'd like to meet a man who is made out of wood, who also has marshmallows for eyes, so I could chop off his limbs and use them to kindle my fire while I roasted his eyes on his stick fingers.
-Jarod Kintz
If my ego was an erection, I'd be John Holmes right now. Thanks for stroking it for me.
-Jarod Kintz
Brad, the Barber: Birds find shiny heads easier to sh*t on, and so do I! About: I hate bald men! they are genetically disposed to immunity from my profession. If baldnes was a sign of courage, I'd rather hang out with a pack of cowards. I can tell a lot about a person't character from their hair and how they style it. that's why I think bald men have no character. you want to know the value of balndess? Take the tire, for example. Once it gets bald, what do you do? You get rid of it, that's what. A bald tire is a dangerous tire. It's the same with men. I'd like to meet a man with an ocean of hair, because once it recedes, you know that it's followed by a tsunami. And a man with tsunami for hair is a man who needs a haircut. Interests: I love crowded malls. I love bumping into people and "accidentally" nudging their heads with my chin. What I'm really doing is taking in the fragrence of their hair. My favoritte is when I sneeze on someone's head because I inhaled some dandruff. That's like the highlight of my week. Heroes: My father's toupee
-Jarod Kintz
I like taking naked pictures. I take them from whomever I can.
-Jarod Kintz
Mr. Pinchandroll: My nutsack drifves me nuts, Zach. About: I wish I had a third hand, halfway between my balls and my asshole, so that I might be able to stealthily scratch my nuts in public. I am a proud American. I love everything this country has to offer, except for public pubic waxing. I also think that freedom of expression should be extended to scrotums. Nobody likes a mouthy dick, but sometimes they spit the truth--even if it might be hard to swallow. I'd like to meet a condom that can walk dogs. That way I can heve great sex with my girlfriend with absolutely no distractions.
-Jarod Kintz
Mr. Pinchandroll: Anything that gets my balls sweaty and itchy. Rubbing dirty tube socks back and forth across my balls. Sitting on strange people's sofas with my nuts tucked between their cushions. Being a diner guest and dropping my balls in the salad bowl and yelling, "Naughty lettuce, tickling my balls. Somebody stop the naughty lettuce!" Then I'll squirt ranch dressing all over my sack and rub it around to the chagrin of the other guests. Heroes: That fuzzy thing that hung on my mother's rearview mirror in her car as I was growing up. What was that thing, anyway? Oh yeah, it was my father's ball sack.
-Jarod Kintz
Mr. Pinchandroll: My underwear is making me itch. I'm 'bout to take these bitches off.
-Jarod Kintz
Mr. Pinchandroll: Oh God my balls itch. THEY ITCH! Sometimes I scratch so hard they start bleeding all over my tube socks.
-Jarod Kintz
I met a man with two last names, and no forehead. He had receding eyebrows and ketchup crusted on his eye lids. I forget what we talked about, but I sure did laugh a lot.
I met a charming man who could count all his friends on one hand. He only hung out with midgets, plus he had really large hands.
Zach, the Zookeeper: This world is a zoo, and the real animals aren't caged up, they are making laws and spending taxpayers money frivolously.
Del, the Deliveryman: You may be as greasy as a pepperoni, but you melted my heart like it was a cheese pizza.
Ralph, the Photographer: I love taking nude pictures. I take them from whomever I can. If you snap at the photographer, they probably won't snap a flattering picture of you. My best work has always been nude. If you have a problem with me working in the buff during your photo shoot, you are more than welcome to go to another photographer.
My mind is so filthy, if you brought a mop to try to clean it out, I'd tell you the easiest way to get there is through my anal cavity.
Rob, the Reporter: In journalism, the inverted pyramid is the linguistic ovary that gives birth to brevity.
-Jarod Kintz
Used Car salesman: Are you in the market to buy a backseat for your car? Even if you don't need a backseat for your car, your girlfriend will appreciate you replacing your bed with a backseat. Backseats make broads horny!
-Jarod Kintz
My cell phone keeps cutting out on me at crucial moments during conversations so I just got a land line phone. Some blonde haired guys installed it. I think they were from sweden because they charged me long distance installation fees.
The girl I'm in love with stopped calling me one day before she actually got my number (which I actually programmed in her phone, but she deleted it within minutes).
I used to want to live forever until I realized how many dentist appointments that would entail.
The humidity in florida always draped him like a wet diaper, and he knew it was time for a change.
If ideas were sharp flying objects, I'd hurl a few killer thoughts at you.
Here's a stimulating thought: I like women who think like me, and I like to think when I'm naked.
-Jarod Kintz
I like being around women who think like me, because I like to think naked.
-Jarod Kintz
Growing up I went to private school. I always used to get yelled at for not having my shirt tucked in. It always amazed me that they yelled at me for not having my shirt tucked in, and not for wearing no pants.
God gave man two legs and one tongue so that he could run twice as fast as he ran his mouth.
-Jarod Kintz
Marty, the Mortician: "Everybody I work with has been dying their whole life to meet me."
"Death is like a dark cloud: It may seem threatening until you realize that it is vital for life to continue."
"Like weave to hair, death is just an extension of life."
About: People always ask me, "Is it cheaper for me and my family to die at once?" "No," T tell them. There is no group discount on death. This isn't Wal-Mortician, okay? I don't just give coupons to any stiff on the street. No, "die one get one free" deals with old Marty. It's expensive to die. But life's cheap these days, so why don't you do the affordable thing and just keep on living? That's my advice. Wait until you're financially ready before you meet the reaper, if you can.
I'd like to meet a dead man named Mr. Limp, because by the time I meet him, Mr. Limp will be as stiff as they come.
General: Death, riggor mortis, drawing smiley faces on dead men's penis', collecting strange objects I find in people's stomachs. One time I found a mint condition Mickey Mantle Rookie card inside of one woman's stomach. And then, in her husband's stomach, I found Mickey Mantle. So I asked him to autograph the card.
Music: Dead Can Dance
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Edmond,
I'm deeply regret letting Renaldo and Ruprecht out of the refridgerator, because they broke into your cookie jar and ate all of your lubrication. Hope your night isn't too painful. Again, I am deeply sorry.
-Jarod Kintz
I remember my Grand pappy sat me down one day and said, “In life there is no compass, you have to find your own direction. Just don't use your penis as the guiding needle.” I wondered how he knew my penis was so thin.
-Jarod Kintz
I like making sand castles out of sand in hour glasses. That way, when I put a prisoner in the dungeon of the sand castle, he's a prisoner not only of space but also of time. I guess out of fear of being captured and stuffed in an hourglass, I have little enemies.
There is a code of honor among criminals that is very valuable. And only an honest man would try to steal it.
If The Mythical Mr. Boo lived in a bubble, every woman would love to take a bath with him. Not that they don't already.
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't believe in bestiality. He lost his faith when one of his goats cheated on him with another shepherd.
I believe I have faith in my belief in faith. But I only believe this because I had faith first.
-Jarod Kintz
I remember my Grand pappy sat me down one day and said, "In life there is no compass, you have to find your own direction. Just don't use your penis as the guiding needle."
To this day I still wonder how he knew my penis was so thin.
But that’s neither here nor there, nor is it to be found in the poetry of some of the Beat writers. Or is it?
Actually, I feel there is something to be said about the direction of the writing of the women within the Beat generation in relation to men, and specifically to sexuality. There was a sort of openness about it, an exploring and even flaunting of sexual ventures. The word cock appears multiple times. There’s cock on page 55 with di Prima. Then again on page 102. Then again on page 103. Before reading these poems, I hadn’t seen this much cock since I used to lounge around in the Men’s shower at the local YMCA, wearing my grandmother’s panties and dreaming about the penumbra in Ginsberg’s pants.
But I loved these poems. I feel di Prima fingered my imagination like she fingered Luke’s asshole on page 55. Sure, at first I felt violated, but then I got to liking it.
I remember my Grand pappy sat me down one day and said, "In life there is no compass, you have to find your own direction. Just don't use your penis as the guiding needle."
To this day I still wonder how he knew my penis was so thin.
But that’s neither here nor there, nor is it to be found in the poetry of some of the Beat writers. Or is it?
Actually, I feel there is something to be said about the direction of the writing of the women within the Beat generation in relation to men, and specifically to sexuality. There was a sort of openness about it, an exploring and even flaunting of sexual ventures. The word cock appears multiple times. There’s cock on page 55 with di Prima. Then again on page 102. Then again on page 103. Before reading these poems, I hadn’t seen this much cock since I used to lounge around in the Men’s shower at the local YMCA, wearing my grandmother’s panties and dreaming about the penumbra in Ginsberg’s pants.
But I loved these poems. I feel di Prima fingered my imagination like she fingered Luke’s asshole on page 55. Sure, at first I felt violated, but then I got to liking it.
-Jarod Kintz
So I've long thought that Neal Cassidy was as sensitive as a brick, and only slightly harder to throw through a window (he was a small man).
The green fish makes the eels slither like blue.
I helped a family of Eskimos move to the desert. But they were sad when their house, or igloo as they call it, melted. But I was happy because now we could all mud wrestle.
If I was an on air personality, I'd play air guitar solos along with the music. And my microphone would always be dripping with lubrication.
-Jarod Kintz
An Introvert is full of shut.
-Jarod Kintz
"Mr. Fu. see you run before. You run like grandmother on opium. Remind Mr. Fu of day long ago when Mr. Fu ran opium den in San Fransisco. Oh Mr. Fu get nostalgic now."
"Well, to be fair Mr. Fu, it is kind of difficult not to run like a grandmother when all I was wearing were grany panties and a Maidenform bra."
-Jarod Kintz
When getting things done, it's better not good than not at all.
we went to see a movie yesterday. And by we, I mean the mythical "we." The "we" that tells the "they" what to do or say. You know, the "they” that everyone refers to when people say "they say." So it goes from us (we) to them (they) to you. And we say go see The Departed.
A true colonial man doesn't masturbate with his dominant hand, he uses his "other" hand--the weaker, more exotic and therefore erotic hand.
My favorite hobby is calling my own cell phone from other people's phones. Of course I never answer my own phone when I'm calling, because I don't like talking to myself. Only crazy people do that. Plus, it runs up my minutes.
"I'm getting married." "Congratulations! So when’s the execution, I mean wedding?"
$5.00 dollars today can buy a person what a quarter might have 50 years ago, yet amazingly, a quarter hasn't incrementally shrunk in size.
-Jarod Kintz
If saliva was ink, I'd have a much easier time spitting out a short story tonight.
If saliva was ink, I'd always write about the way food smells.
If saliva was ink, Pavlov's dog might well have been the next shakespeare.
If saliva was ink, I could write dialogue as naturally as I speak.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to go to work dressed as a giant ladder, because people use me to get a step up in the corporate world anyway.
I like to go to parties dressed as a cow. Then I just sit in the corner and cry, and when people ask me why I'm crying I tell them it's because I'm lactose intolerant.
-Jarod Kintz
(Picture of a guy getting with elephantiasis of the genitals): This is me after getting out of a cold pool.
-Jarod Kintz
If I could spend the day with anyone it would be Roseanne Barr, because two's company and three's a crowd (She has multiple personality disorder). We'd do fun things like ride elevators and try to figure out who just farted.
If I could spend the day with anyone it would be with George Washington and his wooden teeth. We'd do fun things like lead revolutions and eat termites (more so him than me).
-Jarod Kintz
One time I spent half an hour looking for my penis before I realized that I was already holding it. And so was my brother.
-Jarod Kintz
Yesterday my farts stunk like Fetta cheese, so after a while I started collecting them in containers to take down to the market to try to sell in the dairy section.
-Jarod Kintz
Yeah I've dated a few girls who look exactly like me, and I look exactly like Mother, so you know. But relationships are partly about atmosphere, and ever since I left West Virginia it hasn't been the same.
-Jarod Kintz
What's something that most people do that you've never done?
Most people lie about wearing their grandmother’s panties. I’ve never done that. Lie, I mean. Of course I wear my grandmother’s panties!
-Jarod Kintz
Sitting under a tree with duct tape holding a crooked crocodile by the pockets and wondering how to tape his tale to the tree. Yes, I love nonsensical fragments!
My best friend is a tree, ok? And last week he pissed me off so I burned his family--and his extended family (the whole forest) down right in front of him. He couldn't even move he was so speechless.
In my youth I wanted to open up a wig shop, because I wanted to spend the rest of my life devoted to perfecting the art of huffing artificial hair.
My neighbor is an overachieving junky. He doesn't huff gasoline, he eats gas tanks.
I love the way old books smell, although I admit it's a bit painful shoving them up my nostrils.
On the first date I could tell she wanted me because she got so nervous that she farted. But she didn't know that I was listening to her from the stall next to her. I got so excited that I peed all over the seat and the floor.
-Jarod Kintz
I made a sex tape. Even fully erect, I still had to shoot it four times to get some "footage."
Meet me tonight at 10:00 in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I'll be dressed like a yellow Honda in a wheelchair, and I'll be parked (sitting) in a handicapped spot. You bring the biscuits, and I'll bring the sausage gravy. And whatever you do...Don't Tell Uncle Denny!
-Jarod Kintz
I made a sex tape, and even fully erect I still had to shoot it four times to get some "footage."
-Jarod Kintz
I was going to go to a Detour concert, but there was major roadwork being done and I got lost.
-Jarod Kintz
There's only so much make up sex I can stand before I get tired of having lipstick shoved in my ass.
-Jarod Kintz
Jarod asks, When the mind speaks, who listens? When the mind speaks, the mind listens, because only the mind minds what the mind says.
My explosive fell to the ground and became an active land mind.
Jarod asks, Who should get credit for writing a play: the pen, the hand, or the mind? The monkey typing on the computer.
Jarod asks, When the ears bleed words, does the tongue soak up sound? Jarod answers with a question, When the cat cries for milk, is the cow beaten and made to feel ashamed for making the cow wait?
My ex girlfriend was so loose you could fit a traffic light in her vagina. I know, because I waited about thirty minutes after I met her for the light to turn green for the go ahead on sex.
Jarod asks, What is beyond the darkness? Beyond the darkness is the shadow of a shadow of a puppet's puppet, who only plays the piano at dusk to a deaf crowd in an empty closet full of laughter.
Jarod asks, What's something that's invisible to the naked eye? I've always thought of eyelids as being like bras, and the naked eye certainly wouldn't have a bra, or eyelid constantly flapping to try to cover it up.
It hurts my nose when deaf men shout at me with their fingers, as they shove their dexterous digits up my nostrils. I tell them, "talk to the tissue."
Even if my knees were belts, they still wouldn't buckle under pressure. But you could wear my knees on your waste, as I'd sit on your face.
-Jarod Kintz
There was a condom in my soup because you were spoooning Cambell's Chunky beef out of my ass. I find it rude that you didn't even offer me any.
-Jarod Kintz
It must be a really liberating feeling to just let go, to free oneself from constraints and let loose the bowels. Yes, I've always wanted to be like Grandmother, and be able to shit all over myself during dinner.
What is age, but old years stacked on top of each other like old stuck-together pornographic magazines that nobody wants to put in the recycle bin for nostalgic reasons.
Tree frogs, unlike most trees, do not grow well when buried in the soil.
Jarod asks, If the universe was empty, what would you eat? Because i believe that something can come out of nothing, I'd eat three meals: A paternal breakfast; a divine, yet manly lunch; and a ghost-like dinner. but I'd eat them all at the same time, so it'd really be only one meal.
Jarod asks, if there was a chair in the corner of the room, where would you sit? If the chair was shaped like the head of my ex girlfriend, i'd sit on her face.
My ex girlfriend was very curvy, much like a toilet, but she would often get stopped up over some of the littlest shit.
Jarod Asks, if tomorrow you knew there was no tomorrow, what would you do? I'd watch the James Bond movie, Tomorrow Never Dies, and I'd watch it in rewind.
There was a missing girl named Yesterday who disappeared on a Tuesday (that's tomorrow). But she disappeared only to become today's memory.
For my ex girlfriend, pregnancy was on her calendar, her schedule. Unfortunately, she was never late for anything.
-Jarod Kintz
If I'm the boss, I don't mind being called the head cheese. But don't call me the Supreme Pizza, because that has onions, and I don't like making people cry.
-Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz
Naked Lunch: A Great Nude Eel of Ideals
I’d like to meet a guy named Art. I’d take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him and leave. And as well all know, Art is the shortened version of Arthur, with the most famous Arthur in history being the legendary king Arthur. King Arthur represents the Anglo Saxons, well before the introduction of the Latinate tongue coming into Britain. Old English was the common tongue, or vulgate, of which the word vulgar is derived. Today, vulgar has come to mean coarse language, typically scatological in nature. That makes vulgar a word with low brow connotations associated with it.
William Burroughs’s novel, Naked Lunch, could be described as vulgar in both the old world sense of the word, and it’s modern usage. Burroughs utilizes a high concentration (this is a Latinate word) of Anglo Saxon words, as well as a smattering of foul and raunchy language which would come to represent the vulgar we know and recognize today. So on the surface, Naked Lunch is a low brow piece of art.
But I think Naked Lunch is more than just a series of shockingly violent homosexual scenes and illicit drug use. I feel Naked Lunch is the epitome of a high brow work of art, in that it’s filled with brilliant, cutting edge satire and witticisms that match anything produced by Pulitzer prize winning author Dave Barry. And Naked Lunch’s surreal ness is on par with any sketch of Monty Python’s, and the truth behind Burroughs’s humor I’d parallel to the power of Mark Twain’s precise epigrams...
Because of the high level of creativity and imagination within Naked Lunch, I feel that it is much more than a book for the common man. It is packed full of enlightening concepts, ideas. And ideas are like legs--what good are they if you can’t run with them or spread them like green, ghost-like junky legs?
If satire was a tattoo of a mouth on my genitals, Naked Lunch would be a knuckle sandwich that Burroughs uses to knock my balls with. But it didn't hurt, it felt suprisingly refreshing and fulfilling, in an intellectual way.
-Jarod Kintz
Last night I had the phone glued to my ear, which was kind of stupid when I think about it because I used up all of my superglue.
-Jarod Kintz
There once was a door-to-door shoe salesman who was sad, because he had no fingers to ring any doorbell with, and no knuckles for which to knock. And people would always overreact and call the police when he would kick down their door. But I think people would want to buy his steel toed boots, after he demonstrated that they really work.
Life is like an island with two houses on it and only one door on one of the houses. And the majority of people are stuck in the house with no door and can't get out, while a small minority of people are in the other house and can come and go as they please.
Is Father Time's father a Grandfather clock?
If Mother nature is earth, is her vagina the grand canyon?
Father Time never orders pizza because in the scheme of things, thirty minutes is just too long to wait.
Father Time is a mass murderer by procrastination. It's really quite sickening when you think about how many people have just dies waiting on him.
The organized crime concrete business is the wrong business to get mixed up with.
If sanity was water, sometimes I'd be a desert clown with an empty flask and a bucket full of prophylactics.
Two walls meet at an architect's conference on Wall street. Soon they were living under one roof.
Two married walls once came together to the horror of their spouses, who just stood in the corner and watched, too shocked to even move or even open a door. And there are no windows in the room of betrayal.
Scoff it off.
I want to create memory pills, so that forgetfulness would be a thing of the past, except the memory pills would never let you forget. So with some things in your past, you'd only remember that you've forgotten something, when you used to be forgetful, but even the memory pills couldn't help you remember what you'd already forgotten.
"What an interesting costume. What are you?"
"I'm a British Victorian gentleman dressed as a Roman who's pretending to be a Greek."
"But at the end of the night, you're still an American."
"Exactly. This costume has so many layers to it."
"I thought you were just a pile of dirty towels."
"That's too post modern for me."
I found the girl of my dreams. She was hiding under my pillow.
A literary montage. A group of porn stars about to have an orgy. Cut to a bunch of congressmen lounging around on Capitol Hill.
I tried drowning out my fears, but my girlfriend could swim too well.
One day I met a dancer, an inventor, and a bum. One had a flexible body, one had a flexible mind, and the third had a flexible schedule. That afternoon I lost my virginity, my mind, and two dollars, but it was well worth it.
I hate it when my left hand has to strangle my right wrist to stop it from strangling strangers.
I'd like to see an artist drown in a pool of paint, because it's always heroic to see someone give their life for art's sake.
I don't believe a writer uses words to paint pictures, because words are too messy, and whenever I try to paint with them I always end up getting them all over my t-shirt.
I'd like to read a poem about poop, that's scribbled on a bathroom stall, see that it's written with feces, and know that it was penned by a real piece of shit.
I met a politician and a thief in the same afternoon, and only had to shake hands once.
-Jarod Kintz
(Pic of Alphabet soup in a bowl that spells out 'jarod kintz made me laugh so hard i choked to death on my soup.' with a spoon off to the side and a cat's paw also in the shot, too)
(Pic of the stature of Ponce de Leon that's in St Augustine with a sign under it that reads, "Jarod Kintz is a comedic conquistador.")
(Pic of Carterbear blindfolded with a ransom note that reads," Go to jarodkintz.com or the kid gets it.")
(Pic of a fake hand superglued onto concrete so it looks like the hand is coming out of the concrete with a note that reads, "I guess the mob wasn't playing when they said, 'go to jarodkintz.com...or else.")
-Jarod Kintz
If sidewalks were asses, and my shoes were made out of toilet paper, people might think I was less crazy for not wanting to step on the cracks, because who wants shit all over their shoes?
I want to design a shoe that looks like a toilet, because then I wouldn’t feel so bad when I step in shit.
I know a woman who got impregnated by a chair. She had a son who was half human, half chair. And never was their a lazier boy born. He doesn’t do anything; he just sort of sits there.
-Jarod Kintz
I caught a cold last week and lost my voice, which actually worked out perfectly because I simultaneously enrolled in mime classes.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend wanted to decorate the living room in neutral colors, so I suggested that we just go out and buy a Swiss flag to hang on the wall.
So science just invented an invisible cloak, but I'm hoping that they'll come out with invisible suits. Then we should make every politician, lawyer, and pedophile wear one, along with a blindfold, and force them to cross I-95 just outside of Miami.
-Jarod Kintz
So scientists just invented something incredible. They actually created an invisible cloak, and it really makes people and objects invisible. But I'm hoping that they'll come out with invisible suits next. Then we could make every politician, lawyer, and pedophile wear one, along with a blindfold, and force them to cross I-95 just outside of Miami.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Gwyn,
I’ve loved you from the first moment I peeked under your stall in the restroom to see if I was in the Men’s room or not. I wasn’t. Thinking back, I thought those urinals looked suspiciously like sinks. (Although later I goofed up again and washed my hands in an actual urinal). Have I ever told you that you are the prettiest woman I've ever seen, with the lone possible exception being your brother when he gets all dragged out on Saturday nights? Well, it’s true. Let’s go out sometime.
Let me know what you think,
Jarod
Dear Gwyn,
I just paid full price for a quarter page ad in the newspaper, because I thought what I had to say was twice as important, but I only had half as much time to say what I needed to say, and I knew that you only remembered half of what you read, so I wanted it to be my half, which was actually a half a half, because I really wanted you to absorb what I was trying to tell you. And if you only remember half of this paragraph, remember the middle half, or better yet, remember every other word when I say, I I Love Hate You Your So Mother Much!
Take care,
Jarod
He glided into the room like a ghost, except he didn’t scare the crap out of Grandmother, but only because she had already taken her morning bowel movement…all over her Persian rug.
Dear Edmond,
I have decided to start a business breeding female dogs, but I wanted your advice and partnership. I admire how well youu handle yourself with the bitches. You know your girlfriend and her mother, and how they have all those dogs? And how easily you get along with them? We’ll split the profits 75, 50-50. I’ll get 75%, and you’ll get 50% of 50%. Sound like a fair deal? Let me know by tonight, as it’s your turn to walk the dogs.
Later,
Jarod
Dear Sarah,
If my heart was a well, and you could carry buckets of my love, would you one day spitefully splash it all back in my face? Or would you carry the buckets of love and fill up a bathtub and drown yourself in it? Do you even remember me? Or has time dulled the flame on the candle/dildo that you so expertly used on me all those months ago? I’m the guy from the bar. You know, the Blow Moan? The one who you said reminded you of Brad Pitt, minus the charm, good looks, and sex appeal. Well get back to me because I think we should meet up.
~Jarod
At the core of marketing is the target audience, which is composed mainly of people. And people, as we all know, are mainly composed of water. So to sell to people, one must become like water. That’s why I often sell to people by throwing myself against their windshields during rainstorms. I haven’t met one person yet who hasn't stopped and given me the time to make my sales pitch.
-Jarod Kintz
My next book will be called, Thursday With Thelma, even though it will take place on a Tuesday.
-Jarod Kintz
My boss is a brilliant retard. He's such an oxymoron.
-Jarod Kintz
I just realized that jay-z has his own interstate named after his I.Q. Interstate 95. Not to leave kanye west out, they named one for his I.Q as well. That would be I-75.
-Jarod Kintz
My grandpa died before I was born, but I did inherit his penis. That's why mine is so old and wrinkled.
-Jarod Kintz
He never remembered digging up the graveyard. All he saw were flowers, and he thought he was terrorizing a garden. He never had the courage to dance with the devil, let alone sodomize him. He never remembered being Jarod Kintz, he simply was.
He considered his birthday, March 05, 1982, to be the start of his ethereal timeout, and he looked forward to his death as his return to the eternal game. He imagined God as wearing a black and white referee jersey, and sometimes wearing a pink Lacoste shirt that really brought out the blue in his eyes.
He didn't mean to spill coffee in Thelma's lap while she was taking a nap in the park that one afternoon. Fortunately for both Jarod and Thelma, the coffee was still in bean form. Jarod never drank coffee, but he sure loved the way coffee beans smelled. So, to make the world a better place, he'd walk around the park sprinkling French Vanilla coffee beans on steaming piles of dog shit. He figured, if somebody had to step in shit, it might as well smell like French Vanilla. Of course, Jarod wasn't always this considerate. Most of the time he was just plain selfish.
Hello, and welcome to the book, Thursday With Thelma. I'm Nameless, and I'll be one of your narrators. I say one of the narrators because there are two of us. And I'm the reliable one. Whatever the other narrator tells you, don't believe him. Don't believe his fluffed up, feathery pillow talk, because he lies under the covers, especially the covers of the book. He'll even go so far as to tell you that I'm the unreliable narrator. Ha! Take everything he says with a grain of pepper, because too much of him will make a person sneeze.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to meet my father, who also happens to be my Grand pappy. I'm proud of my West Virginia roots, which are long and dirty like Grand pappy's pubes (I've only seen them in pictures).
Generally I don't like women with facial hair, but every once in a while I'll find a handlebar mustache coupled with a mullet to be a seductive combination.
I once knew a chef who had an abnormal growth of a nose under each arm pit. He used to smear deoderant al over his upper lip like it was chapstick. and he always complained that his soup smelled like sweat, and I always found armpit hair in my bowls of soup. But I thought it added some much needed texture and sophistication to the dish.
-Jarod Kintz
1. Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?
No, last I heard she fell out of a tree and broke her back. I think she was the first girl I kissed. Or maybe it was Andrea. Yes I think it was her, and I have no idea where she is or anything.
2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?
With that kind of arsenal, I could start a revolution!
3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
Nude Kids on the Block
4. What is the best thing about your job?
The non-existence of it.
5. Do you wish cell phone etiquette was required in class?
Yes, all cell phones not on vibrate should be thrown in the shower, along with the dirty morons who leave them on.
8. Where are you going on your next vacation?
I might go get a job for two weeks, just to get away from it all.
13. If you could be an animal what would you be?
I’m already an animal…an animal in the sack!
15. Tell us about the last conversation/s you had.
My last conversation was very much like what we were talking about. We were talking about my penis, and it was very short.
16. Where do you see yourself in one month?
I see myself in a mirror, now, and in a month from now.
17. What is your favorite smell?
This particular flower that reminds me of HER.
18. What is your favorite sight?
A naked woman
19. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?
If moods were monkeys, I’d have some wild swings.
21. Have you ever done anything vindictive to your coworkers?
Yes, I once stabbed myself.
22. Have you ever gone to therapy?
No, because I’m sure they’ll try sizing me up for one of those snazzy white jackets that fit a little too snugly for my taste.
23. Have you ever played Spin the bottle?
Yes, it’s sort of a family tradition at all the reunions.
24. Have you ever toilet-papered someone's house?
Yes, but they had a post modern house that looked like a urinal, so they didn’t even notice for weeks.
25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
Sadly, yes.
26. Have you ever gone camping?
If Mother Nature was my lover, I'd tell her I was gay, just so I wouldn't have to sleep with her.
27. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's friend?
I never got to enjoy that part of life. Tragically, my sister died just moments before I buried her.
28. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
It wasn’t officially nude, but that didn’t stop us.
29. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
I’m pleading the fifth.
32. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
The day my sister died, at the hands of me and my clown friends. Seeing them stomp on her with those big red shoes of theirs … it was almost too much to handle.
36. Have you ever lied to your parents?
No, I only told different versions of the truth.
38. Have you ever thrown up from working out?
I consider sex to be a workout. And sometimes, after turning on the lights and looking at the girl, I have been known to throw up.
39. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight?
Actually, it was a helmet I sported for several months when I was learning to ride a bicycle. My grandparents couldn’t convince me to take that helmet off, even at the dinner table. This must have been when I was about 22-23 years old.
42. Have you ever spied on someone you had a crush on?
That’s what I have the top of the line binoculars for.
43. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers?
Yes, and it feels satisfying to be self employed.
44. Kissed more than one person at a time?
Back when my parents were still together.
45. Pot?
To piss in?
-Jarod Kintz
Forest fondling: save a tissue, jack off onto a tree.
Like a man in a wheelchair, Jarod Kintz stands for nothing.
8 out of 10 dwarfs approve of Jarod Kintz? I don’t think so!
Abolish Taxes? I don’t think so, Jarod Kintz!
9 out of 10 dentists recommend and consider Jarod Kintz a warrior against plaque? I don’t think so!
Discounted coupons for sex? I don’t think so, Jarod Kintz!
Albinos against sunscreen? I don’t think so, Jarod Kintz!
Allergic to poverty? I don’t think so, Jarod Kintz!
3 out of 4 sexually confused, Tran gendered camels approve of Jarod Kintz? I don’t think so!
9 out of 10 Jarod Kintz’s agree there is only one Jarod Kintz? I don’t think so!
-Jarod Kintz
49% of all Jarod Kintz's lies are lies? I don't think so!
Can Jarod kintz not tell a lie about the truth, even when he's telling the truth about a lie? i don't think so!
Do 78% of all stab wound victims agree that jarodkintz.com is better than a Band aid? I don't think so!
Is it true that 84% of all vending machines would rather take money from the poor, rather than dispense drinks and snacks to the starving? I don't think so, Jarod Kitnz!
Even if the topic of debate was menstrual blood, Jarod Kintz would rather have a smear campaign.
-Jarod Kintz
KY jelly tastes great on a tight English Muff...in.
-Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz
Experimental Music
Forks with four rubber bands strung over each prong,
Empty Campbell’s soup can’s with strings and paperclips attached,
Air guitarists that look like Andy Warhol with no fingers playing all night until their fingers bleed, as lipless
Lead singers who lip sing Milli Vanilli songs are the talk among the mute.
Music videos on mute as I scream into my cell phone
because I still can’t hear,
The unique sound Mr. Fizzlebush makes when you accidentally step on his tail to the beat of the music.
The sound emanating from inside a conch shell of me gurgling and splashing as I nearly drowned
in the ocean that one time. How do conch shells
record the beach so well? Did Edison invent the conch shell?
I recently heard of a group called The Lipsticks who only sing Kiss hits, which reminds me of something weird
I saw yesterday.
I saw Elvis. And he was impersonating me.
I went to a saloon the other night where I heard a harmonica
being played by a cowboy
in a 10-gallon cowboy
hat that only held a five gallon fish tank. It was full of Piranhas, though
One of the fish used to sing, but apparently he stopped because he really bites. Or maybe the fish was unpopular
because he didn’t sing country western, he only sang Celine Dion songs. This wasn’t a saloon in Vegas.
I come back home and my ears are pounding like they are a pair of bongos
and I relax to the soothing sounds of a screeching
duet between two deaf people screaming (Screamo)
at each other with their hands. They call themselves The Angry Fingers. Their demo album is a blank disk
that functions better musically when you either toss
it in the microwave, or hang it on your
rear view mirror.
That reminds me
of a band I know called The Rear View Mirrors,
who always like to appear larger
than they really are. They have no talent, but have a great stage presence. They utilize a lot of police sirens and lights on stage.
Just because your car looks like a burrito, doesn't mean you can hit the sauce while driving.
Dear Thelma,
This Thursday's no good for me. How about next Thursday? I find it hard to believe that as a character in my own book, I still can't understand why you only function on Thursdays. can you help me figure this out?
~Jarod
Dear Jarod,
Just as everyone knows that the human body acts as a time prison (a person can't go back to yesterday, yesteryear, or travel to tomorrow), my role in your book has similar restrictions. I can't get out of bed Wed-fri. In fact, I'm not even sure if I exist on those days. Hope this helps clarify things a bit. Oh, and i know I'm supposed to be your love interest, and the author always gets the girl when he writes himself into the novel, but is there any way you could write a steamy love scene between me and Brad Pitt? The Brad Pitt from Fight Club or Oceans 11, you choose. If you could do that, you'd be my favorite author by far.
Dear Thelma,
(img src "insert photo properties of Brad Pitt from Fight Club here")
Brad: "If you could fight anyone in history, who would you fight?"
Thelma: i think that even though you are a character from another story, the simple fact that you are now in this story changes your dynamic. You should have new dialogue, with a new voice and motives and everything. Jarod, am I right on this?
Jarod: Yes, you are, but it was a good question. Well, anyways, skip to the sex. *waits impatiently* Are you guys done yet?
Thelma: Just finished. Thank you so much. That was amazing.
~Jarod
Dear Jarod,
Being the main character of your book has really inspired me. I've begun writing a novel in which you are the main character. You're a writer writing a novel about a beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent woman named Thelma (I didn't think you accurately characterized me). And since you were so kind to place Brad Pitt with me for a scene, I want to repay you for the favor. So is there any woman you'd like to have a scene with?
~Thelma
Dear Thelma,
So let me see if I understand this correctly. A character in one of my stories, you, has begun writing a story about me, without me even knowing? how is this possible? Did Renaldo write you in? Oh well never mind. You're welcome about the Brad Pitt scene by the way. And it worked out perfectly because I've always wanted him in one of my stories. as to your question. If it's at all possible, could I get a few romantic evenings with Charlize Theron? Hey, wait a minute. Why am I asking you? I'll just write it in myself. I could change this story to Thursday With Theron, Charlize.
~Jarod
Dear Jarod,
How cruel you are to me sometimes. You can't write me out of the story now. Please, I'm begging you. I'm blonde and beautiful like she is. She doesn't love you as much as you portray me to. But I can surely make her your new love interest in my novel, if that's what you want. By the way, I've thought of my novel's title: Fri-through Thurs With Thelma (I figure I just increased my lifespan sevenfold this way). So, what do you think?
~Thelma
-Jarod Kintz
His compassion is like a sofa in the house of a Spartan. There is none.
Jarod Kintz is the world’s 77th greatest grandmother? I don’t think so!
22 out of 25 men of the cloth can make a dog roll over, but they can’t make him come.
10 out of 10 pedophiles agree that children enjoy learning from “hands on” experience.
9 out of 10 perverts prefer Pee Wee Herman over Jarod Kintz. The tenth pervert, the one who preferred Jarod Kintz, was of course Jarod Kintz.
If classical Western instruments were vodka and the blues was orange juice, then the mixing of these two would be a sweetly intoxicating concoction known as jazz.
Death is not the end, it’s the beginning of the middle.
I like beginning tasks in the middle. Not the beginning of the middle, but rather the middle of the middle. And not the beginning of the middle of the middle, but more the middle of the middle of the middle. Yes, the middle of the middle of the middle is a great place to begin.
I stuffed scrambled eggs up my nostrils because they were a little runny. Then I snorted some pepper and sneezed out the eggs all over my plate and proceeded to eat my breakfast and blow my nose.
Most people confuse being good at nothing with having nothing there are good at, they think they mean the same thing. But being good at nothing is to be a Buddhist, and to have nothing their good at is to be mainstream.
Forget having talking walls, if furniture could talk, what would my sofa say? It’d probably say, “As much as I love it, I really wish you wouldn’t fart on me so much.”
I have bumper-to-bumper memories, and I’m always having emotional collisions within my cranium. Some memories should have seatbelts, because some can be quite painful.
I like playing “20 questions” with a man who only has 19 fingers and toes, with each finger and toe representing not a question but an answer. And my final question, the one whose answer is on his missing toe, is: What is the meaning of life? Find his toe, and you’ll find the answer.
-Jarod Kintz
How many tattoos did you have? I had a tattoo of an 11 inch penis on my dick, but it was nearly three times too large so it draped down to my knees.
How many tattoos now? I now have a tattoo of a vagina on my knee cap so my penis can brush up against it and tease it. I also had my tear ducts relocated from my eyes to my knee cap so that as it can now respond my getting wet.
-Jarod Kintz
Like clothes in a closet, the hours
Accumulate and pile up, the seconds
disappear like socks in a dryer. I wear
a clock of a clock, a soggy trench coat
as the minutes drench and drip like drops
in Chinese water torture.
She refused to use chap stick, because it irritates my penis.
-Jarod Kintz
I was kind of sad when my girlfriend and I drifted apart. I regret pushing her away, but there just wasn't enough room for both of us on the raft.
-Jarod Kintz
Colorful Character
Even under his blue jacket and hood
I could tell he was skinny and yellow,
with a waxy complexion. He looked
like a yellow crayon wrapped a green
sponge. His eyes were as big as two
cue balls, and when he rolled them I
really felt snookered. His lips were the pallor
of pink chalk, and they were as chapped
as Chaplin was silent. His shoes, once white,
now were as brown as the intersection
where coffee meets teeth after twenty
years at three cps a day. I didn’t get a chance
to speak with him; he walked out just
as quickly as he had come in.
-Jarod Kintz
As a writer, I want to write a story that's not 100 pages long, but rather 100 years long. I want a story where all the main characters die, so i figure, I'll just make the story longer. If one page is roughly equal to one minute on the screen, or real life, then my 100 year novel will have to be 52,560,000 pages long. Whew, I'd better get started.
Florida plays the Georgia Bulldogs today. The Bulldogs, huh? I don't know how I feel exactly, but I do think that's a pretty rude way to refer to your female student body, naming your mascot after them. I mean it might be true that they all look like bulldogs, but that's still not very nice.
-Jarod Kintz
I wore my heart on my sleeve, but Cupid still shot me in the chest.
My teeth are so brown that when one of them fell out into my coffee, the coffee looked like milk in contrast.
(pic of me holding two sticks posing with a group of men holding high powered assault rifles): “Looks like I came a little over prepared for WWIII.” or “Looks like I came a tad bit under prepared for the revolution.”
Randomness is a river that flows in the opposite direction to your paradigm of understanding.
A shadow can be seen to represent the conscious, and a body could be viewed as the unconscious, because a shadow can only be seen in the light of day, like the conscious is around when you are awake, and your body can be felt in the night, like the unconscious is felt when you sleep.
Is a shadow honest and brave because it only appears in day light? Or is a shadow a cowardly and deceitful thing because it hides and stalks a person at night?
I would shadow box more often, but I don’t because I know the black boxer is a better fighter.
A defense lawyer should like his clients like he likes his law school diploma: framed.
-Jarod Kintz
Q: What's the last text message on your cell phone say?
A: You stole my phone you son of a bitch.
Q: whose bed did you sleep in last night?
A: Well, I slept on a twin bed, so I guess it was a bed that belongs to some twins. I would have loved to have seen the twins last night.
Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: Lavender. It matches my cuticles. I'm all about attention to detail.
Q: Most recent movie that you watched?:
A: I watched someone watching The Watcher
Q: Name one thing that you do everyday?
A: Procrastinate about procrastinating. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t hesitate, and just jump right in and start wasting time.
Q: What's the color of your bedroom walls?
A: eggshell white with a hint of yellow
Q: How much cash do you have on you right now?
A: I left all my cash in some stripper’s thong
Q: What's your favorite sport?
A: bad mitton
Q: I can't wait till...?
A: The Revolution! I’m stocking the arsenal as we speak. Yesterday I stole two forks and a spoon from Applebee’s so I’ll be ready when I get the signal from Delphi.
Q: When was the last time you saw your mom?
A: Why, what have you done with her? You bastards! I won’t rest until she is avenged.
Q: Who got you to join myspace?
A: Marco, the leader of the cult I belonged to at the time. Of course, they’re all dead now, and they drank the poison before even bothering to respond to my messages telling me where the final meeting was taking place.
Q: What did you have for dinner last night?
A: Fried yak that made me yak.
Q: Look to your left. What's there?
A: OMG is that a ransom note?
Q: What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
A: A shirt from a pessimistic dwarf. He thinks it's a short sleeve shirt, but I think it's a long sleeve shirt. Of course with him being a midget every shirt of his looks like a short sleeve shirt on me.
Q: Do you have an air freshener in your car?
A: yes, I have many in the trunk, because that's where I stash the bodies.
Q: Do you have plants in your room?
A: Implants, whenever my girlfriend spends the night.
-Jarod Kintz
Q: What's the color of your bedroom walls?
A: eggshell white with a pieces of ham strewn about the wall.
-Jarod Kintz
Q: What's the color of your bedroom walls?
A: eggshell white with pieces of ham strewn about the wall.
-Jarod Kintz
Is a religious raisin a born again grape? How do wino?
-Jarod Kintz
(Pic. of me holding a huge Rambo-like gun): Yes, sir, I'm here to take out your daughter.
-Jarod Kintz
Q: 4TH PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALLS:
A: The Feds, but they just missed me.
Q: DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
A: Does a camel create mud puddles in the desert, where little Arab children like to mud wrestle?
Q: DO YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR?
A: IF I let my nether regions grow out. Actually I’m thinking of doing just that so that I can trim and style a mullet down there. Then I’ll wear a tiny motorcycle helmet on the tip of my penis just so I'll be the king of Bike Week in Daytona this coming March.
Q: WHAT IS THE NEXT CONCERT YOU ARE GOING TO?
A: The Styx, so I can let my dog chase and fetch the band.
Q: WHAT WORD DO YOU SAY A LOT?
A: The
Q: WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE:
A: A half a cracker (gluttonous, I know)
Q: WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU SAID TO SOMEONE AND WHO WAS IT?
A: With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can garnish a pretty small ham sandwich. And I spoke those words to The Mythical Mr. Boo.
Q: DO YOU WATCH TV?
A: Does a super model try to tickle her stomach with her finger after she eats?
Q: HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE WAITING?
A: No, I’m still waiting
Q: EVER BEEN HUNTING?
A: Yes, in the jungles of Africa. I hunted an Elephant, caught him, befriended him, and ended up shooting him after he beat me in a game of Memory.
Q: DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
A: Like my profiles on here, I have quite a few.
Q: WHO'S THE YOUNGEST ONE IN THE FAMILY?
A: How do you know about “The Family?” You should have kept your mouth shut. I guess now we’re going to have to silence you.
Q: LAST TIME YOU USED A SKATEBOARD?
A: The last time I used a skateboard I was rushed to the hospital for internal bleeding.
Q: WHERE WAS THE LAST PLACE YOU SLEPT BESIDES YOUR HOUSE?
A: At a Veterinarian’s Convention. They ran out of cats, so the guest speaker put me to sleep.
-Jarod Kintz
My explosive thoughts fell to the ground and became an active land mind.
I saw something strange today. I saw Elvis. He was impersonating me.
They say you fear what you don’t understand. Maybe that’s why every time I’m in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.
I’d love to be a great salesman. I’d love to be able to sell a fork to a homeless man in a soup kitchen.
-Jarod Kintz
78% of all stab wound victims agree that jarodkintz.com is better than a Band Aid. The other 22% were reputedly stabbed by Jarod.
-Jarod Kintz
If the novel I just started writing was a person, that person would be a mute with a blank expression on his face.
-Jarod Kintz
Never underestimate the chance for encountering a dangerous predicament when you hang around with a man so vain as to refer to himself in the third person. Jarod Kintz makes this mistake all the time.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of people as me if I’d vote for a Presidential candidate who used to be the President of A.A.S. (Albinos Against Sunscreen). And I guess that all depends on what his views are for my proposal for renaming the White House the Albino House.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of people ask me if I’d vote for a Presidential candidate who used to be the President of A.A.S. (Albinos Against Sunscreen). And I guess that all depends on what his views are for my proposal for renaming the White House the Albino House.
-Jarod Kintz
If instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs sticking out of my hands, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could run my fingers thru his hair.
-Jarod Kintz
I met a girl who collected hair follicles and toe nail clippings. I asked her out on a date to go buy some wax. We made candles with the fragrance of hair follicles that night as we burned each other's eyebrows. Then we made a sandwich out of my sandals.
-Jarod Kintz
If I were Abraham Lincoln's wife, every time I saw a woman pay for a movie with a five dollar bill I'd yell, "Hey, what are you doing with a picture of my husband in your wallet? He's mine, you slut!" In fact, his wife may have been the one who’s to blame for him getting shot in Ford’s theatre in the first place.
-Jarod Kintz
Whenever you have a goal, it's a good idea to have both a plan A and a back-up Plan B, unless you are illiterate. But in that case you are probably homeless and have no goals anyway.
-Jarod Kintz
After a week of running my mouth, I was forced to eat my words. I immediately threw up a dictionary. And I really knew I had suffered a defeat because the dictionary was in German.
-Jarod Kintz
Not only did I used to run with the wrong crowd, but I used to run naked. I shed my clothes of conformity and oppression.
I used to date a rebellious girl from a nudist colony. The first night we met we showered together, and she wore all her clothes.
Me and a bunch of my conservative investor friends like to go to Pamplona, Spain every year. we like to wear bear costumes and do the Running Of The Bulls. And no matter how hard we try, nobody can seem to keep up with Warren.
I like meeting new people and all, I just don't like changing a new person's diapers.
-Jarod Kintz
Fornication: Do it for the kids. Just not at their birthday parties.
Normal people wear their sunglasses during the day, while Corey Hart wears his at night. I don't know on which side of the sunglasses issue I stand, I'm neutral, so until I make a definitive decision, I'm only going to wear my sunglasses at dusk. And dawn, too.
People always say they want a car that will get them from point A to point B. That must be a foreign, educated car. I'd much prefer an illiterate American car that will take me from point A to point C and then to point B, because isn't the automobile just as arbitrary as the alphabet?
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to have a concealed weapons permit for a gun so large that a midget could use the bullets to bench press.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to have a concealed weapons permit for a gun so large that a midget could use the bullets to bench press. Where would I carry it? You ask. Well, with my anatomy, there’s plenty of room in my pants.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to make bumper stickers that have a red background and white letters that I'll go around and stick on STOP signs. My bumper stiker will read:
"I said STOP! Now go to
JarodKintz.com"
-Jarod Kintz
I live in a cu-de-sac that’s not circular, but more oval in shape. And there is a fence that surrounds it and the houses. It's an elongated community.
In the name of intellectual progress, men should rid themselves of detrimental diversions. And if your penis causes your creative thoughts to flow from your mind to your crotch, grab your scissors and detach yourself from your detestable, distracting dick.
I snip my fingers. I clamp my hands. Don't get it twisted up in these heat lamps. I salt to fries. I make yo bacon. I get ya fat to get dat ass shakin'
If I ever have a son, on his sixth birthday, I'd give him a necklace with a lump of coal dangling off it. I figure with all the pressure I'll put on him from then until the time he graduates from Harvard, that coal will have morphed into a sizeable diamond that he can mount on some lucky girl's engagement ring.
If I was a magician, and my magic wand were made of celery, I could surely make both my wand and a hat full of ranch dressing disappear. Then I'd make all the meat off of twelve hot wings vanish, while mysteriously leaving the bones.
-Jarod Kintz
50% of shoes (The left ones) approve of Jarod Kintz.
9 out of 10 Commie, pinko flamingos approve of Jarod Kintz.
7 out of 8 sleezy lounge singers approve of Jarod Kintz.
89% of all statistical survey marketers approve of Jarod Kintz, 73% of the time.
-Jarod Kintz
Fact: 37% of all erectile dysfunctions are caused by jarodkintz.com.
Fact: 24% of 42% of all statistical evidence has been strategically tampered and misdirected by Jarod Kintz and The Mythical Mr. Boo.
Fact: 83% of all numbers between 1 to 100 would rather be in the upper 17%.
Fact: While 68% of all abused dogs disliked the physical violence inflicted upon them, they all felt as if they not only deserved it, but actually provoked it somehow. The other 32% of dogs declined to comment because they had in fact been run over.
Fact: 10 out of 10 illiterate people can not read jarodkintz.com.
-Jarod Kintz
If I had 88 fingers, I couldn't count all of my blessings on both hands, but I could play the piano like no other.
-Jarod Kintz
There was once a black man who was married to a piece of cheese. One day he came home to find out that not only had she cheated on him with two crackers, but that she had also been eaten by The Man.
Fact: 94% of all balloons think the economy is too inflated, according to a recent survey conducted by Clown Life.
Fact: 98% of all 94-year-olds agree that if years were percentages, they'd want to be at 60% or lower. And 2% died before we could finish asking the question.
Fact: 100% of all famous dead intellectuals died before taking my survey. And 99% sent apology notes that were written with penmanship that looks curiously similar to my grandmother's handwriting.
It's a little known fact that The Mythical Mr. Boo was actually the first President of the United States. If George Washington's term was from 1789-1797, and the U.S. gained independence in 1776, then that leaves only one man so elusive, so mystical, and so masterful as to run the country and have nobody know it: The Mythical Mr. Boo. His name should be inscribed on a coin.
Fact: It is estimated that 93% of all tomatoes who attend comedy shows, only to be used as projectiles by angry audience members expressing frustration at an unfunny comedian, reputedly found the comic's material fresh. But then, what does produce know about being fresh?
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wish I had fur on my forehead, and my aunt was a cat, because then it wouldn't be so awkward when she licks my face.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't like having conversations with shampoo, because whenever I make eye contact the soap always stings my eyes.
-Jarod Kintz
A Going Away Gift Your Neighbor Won't Ever Forget:
OK, first thing you need to do is scour the internet for pictures of a cute girl, maybe 16 years old. Then, after you have sufficient pictures, set up a fake Myspace profile for her. Then go around adding a bunch of 15-year-old boys as friends. Next, start flirting with them and leaving them comments like, "I can't wait to feel you inside of me," or, "I hope your penis is as big as I imagined." And get them to leave you comments like, "Of course I want to have sex with you."
Are you with me so far? Good. Now after you have a good amount of comments, take down all the pictures of the girl, and replace them with ones of your forty-year-old neighbor. Let's call him Bob. Then, simply pick up the phone and alert the authorities that you stumbled across Bob's Myspace profile and you are shocked to learn you live next door to a pedophile. And before you know it, Bob will be going away.
Yes, it's just that easy.
-Jarod Kintz
Fact: 91% of geriatric giants concur that Jarod Kintz is the tallest, funniest midget in Jacksonville, while 9% contend that he’s the shortest, ugliest giant in history.
Fact: 60% of all condensed cans of orange juice and 40% of all vodka approve of jarodkintz.com, while an astonishing 100% of alcoholics feel that jarodkintz.com is the greatest thing, next to getting wasted.
Fact: 87% of alcoholics felt that the only way jarodkintz.com could be better was if it was fermented and poured over the rocks, while 13% disagreed and thought it would be much better without ice.
God said that with faith the size of a mustard seed, man could move mountains. I’m not trying to move mountains, just my neighbors, and I’m smashing mustard jars all over their porch and driveway, but the only thing that seems to move is their Weiner dog who likes to go roll around in the mustard.
I know a driver for Pizza Hut who’s also a comedian, but his delivery is just too slow. His one-topping one-liners take up to thirty minutes or they’re free.
I enjoy breakfast during rush hour. Usually, I’ll just throw something together, like two or three eggs. and I like my eggs fast--generally flying at around 50 M.P.H and aimed at passing cars.
I have a treadmill that’s got a fire hydrant fixed to the front of it that I walk my dog on. And it’s only when his desire is exceeded by demand that I stop the treadmill and let him pee.
I used to play hockey. I had a pair of gloves made into ice skates because I thought that if I could skate on my hands that I’d be able to handle the puck better. Also, I used to wear a helmet on my crotch.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes Jarod Kintz and I wish we had fur on our foreheads, and my aunt was a cat, because then it wouldn't be so awkward when she licks our faces. And *******s. But not foreskins, because that's we don't engage in bestiality . . .that much.
-Jarod Kintz
Mmmm I love plums. After getting into a fight with my boyfriend, Jarod Kintz, and whooping his ass, his eyes looked like a couple of plums, but they didn't taste as sweet when I bit into his cheeks. That's when the boys in blue showed up. I wish they were the boys in purple, because I love all things purple, including plums.
I bought a new coffee maker from a mail order bride service, and I couldn't be happier with her.
My ex girlfriend looked like a bear. We slept together for a few months and then we both got up. Then she tried to eat me.
a woman with rough hands wanted to feel my balls, and I told her to be genital with them.
I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob."
If I was a politician, I'd put the "axe" in taxes, as I'd have tax cuts for all classes. And I'd win the election by taking that axe and cutting down my opponents.
Politically, I'm a Limbertarian, because I'm flexible on most issues.
-Jarod Kintz
why can't I say ass?
I like modest people. Like the other day, for example, I competed in a foot race with a man with two left feet. He beat the hell out of me, but I never, nor will you ever, see a man with two left feet do a victory dance.
(on a bumper sticker on a road sign): This bumper sticker fell off my bumper, which fell off my car, which fell off a cliff, after my girlfriend fell in love with another man (that man was in the trunk at the time the car went over the cliff). That event, like where this bumper sicker ended up, is a sign.
If this bumper sticker was a dildo, it might be stickier. And shittier.
(bumper sticker on a road sign).: This is a sign from God. Go to jarodkintz.com.
Hungry truck drivers know that pedestrians make better pancakes.
Rude Kill, Red clown nose, Red shoes, Loud clothing made from Radios, Barbeques make the best grill friends, adrenaline fueled by anticipation, Getting into her panties was harder than robbing a bank--and even though it had been months since someone made a deposit in her pants I still found money in her crotch--two quarters like it was a slot machine.
-Jarod Kintz
It is true that I, Jarod Kintz, enjoy feeding the birds in the morning and having philosophical discussion with various types of domesticated animals such as cats. And all the while drinking my coffee and spilling drips all over my boxers and then wondering why my boxers, which are white, are stained more yellow than brown.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to meet the guy who invented the zipper, and shake his penis. And under ideal circumcisions, I mean circumstances, we'd meet at a urinal.
I'd like to meet the guy who invented the zipper, and shake his penis. And under ideal circumstances, we'd meet at a urinal.
-Jarod Kintz
If I snuggled with an electric eel, would the covers we cuddled under become an electric blanket?
I'm glad blankets aren't towels, because if a celebrity dried off with an electric towel, it would make for a very shockig picture.
-Jarod Kintz
I have a DJ friend named DJ Rain, who plays watered down remixes. His ebonics name is DJ Rizzle, or Drizzle.
-Jarod Kintz
I ran out of KY jelly, so I started using chapstick. But at least my lips aren't raw anymore.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo's girlfriend must have a penis for a tongue, because she's always either swallowing it or biting it.
Even if pianos had black and white keys that were shaped like little penis', The Mythical Mr. Boo wouldn't touch a piano.
The Mythical Mr. Boo sees playing the piano as a metaphor for life, as you maneuver across both black and white keys. but for The Mythical Mr. Boo, the world is shades of gray, and that's why he never touches pianos.
The Mythical Mr. Boo loves how smog from traffic smells like his nostrils in November: congested.
The Mythical Mr. Boo loves grass that smell like the inside of his nostrils in November: thick and green.
In the same manner that a puppy's neck would meet with a sharp butcher's knife, so it is with sex with The Mythical Mr. Boo: clean and detached.
If hardness was thickness, my penis would be a tooth epic, only not that soft.
I don't understand the expression, "it's in the bag," and how it came to mean a sure victory. My question is, What's in the bag? A little head of lettuce, perhaps? Head and shoulders shampoo maybe? or could it be the head of some ugly broad you're banging is in the bag?
I want to live in a house on stilts, where I'd juggle two jobs and a girlfriend.
-Jarod Kintz
I feel sad for cats when I think what it must be like for them to have all this soft fur and not know it because they don't have exposed skin for which to pet themselves with.
I once had a teacher who said, "I know how to do it, but I don't know that I know how to teach someone how to do it." So I had to figure out how to masturbate on my own.
I always thought it was strange how whenever I was growing up, and I'd try to eat my desert before my dinner, my mom would always say, "Don't eat your desert before your dinner. You'll spoil your meal." this was a weird thing to say considering we had curdled milk and moldy cheese almost every night of the week.
-Jarod Kintz
I love it when a woman with scaly elbows rubs them rapidly across my forehead, and then, a week later, she dresses up as an albatros and pecks and picks at my scab with her beak. But I guess that I'm just a hopeless romantic.
Kintzpiration
-Jarod Kintz
Sorry I haven't been around much, The Supreme Pizza, me, has been kept in the oven. Damn Renaldo locked me in there last week and I just barely managed to break out. Now I got Renaldo chained to the ice cream container in the freezer.
-Jarod Kintz
Ahhh, this site puts the magic back in blogging. I'm so excited that I actually have an erection. It's been over thirty years since I've popped a woody this big. Thanks, Magic Blog! Hey, maybe you guys could sell yourself as a healthier alternative to Viagra. I can't decide whether I feel like making love--to myself--or bloging. Hmmmm I think I'll do both!
-Jarod Kintz
I'm 75% American and 25% bald eagle, and my father was just a quarter. Sadly, I lost him when I was fifteen. Although, I still retain the hope that one day I'll find him in-between the sofa cushions.
The only time you can play with your food is if you are eating your dick.
All the guy said was, "making your great-great-great grandfather our national symbol just added a much needed feather in his cap," before being savagely murdered. I guess this particular eagle was a little sensitive about being bald.
When the manchild bounced the basketball, which was as leathery as the manchild's forehead, it looked like a midget named Renaldo (the manchild's childhood friend) was glued to a yo-yo, from the way it had a sporadic, lopsided up tick.
The car stopped on the train tracks because Sheila, who was driving the car, knew that Harry, her homeless boyfriend, was sleeping on the very spot where she parked her car. Then she got out and lit a cigarette feeling almost orgasmic in her decision to move on.
The two and a half legged dog leaped over the fence because it was chasing the midget Renaldo, who had clepped out of his chains and escaped from the refrigerator, but not before he managed to eat all of Mother's meatloaf.
Melinda, my ex, was like a traffic light at four in the morning: she was always flashing people on the road.
I remember my grandpa having a long, flowing beard that was wavy and shimmered like a river, except he didn't have salmon swarming up it. Nope, instead it was stocked full of lice.
I like playing strip poker with a certain sheep, because I know Bessie would never cheat on me.
Religion is like a shower. Just because you wear a towel on your head, doesn't mean the sane ideology has soaked into your head.
How many people have died in the name of religion? There's only one man who should have died in the name of religion--Jesus, and he did. And he died for you, but I'm not sure he'd want people to die for him.
The reason I like sleeping with invisible women is I can see a little bit of myself in them.
-Jarod Kintz
You can tell a lot about someone by where they are from. For example, if I met an alien, who would naturally hail from space, I’d probably assume that s/he is a pretty empty individual.
They say aliens are green, like money, but I think space, like my wallet, is not only empty, but full of Velcro. in fact, science may soon discover that black holes are nothing more than patches of Velcro from God's wallet.
If I was an astronaut, I don't think I'd spacewalk, because it's dangerous to be a pedestrian in the universe since there might be aliens driving around in spaceships the size of Buicks. and I don't think those aliens have obtained their driver's license either.
My ex girlfriend had a tongue made out of Velcro, and it was always getting stuck to my crotch. But I never understood why she had to wait until my pants were in the hamper to start licking them.
My ex girlfriend had a tongue made out of Velcro. And it was really annoying that she'd always get it stuck to my wallet when she'd lick it. I guess I can't blame her though, because my wallet was made out of popsicles.
-Jarod Kintz
You can tell a lot about someone by where they are from. For example, if I met an alien, who would naturally hail from space, I’d probably assume that s/he is a pretty empty individual.
They say aliens are green, like money, but I think space, like my wallet, is not only empty, but full of Velcro. in fact, science may soon discover that black holes are nothing more than patches of Velcro from God's wallet.
If I was an astronaut, I don't think I'd spacewalk, because it's dangerous to be a pedestrian in the universe since there might be aliens driving around in spaceships the size of Buicks. and I don't think those aliens have obtained their driver's license either.
My ex girlfriend had a tongue made out of Velcro, and it was always getting stuck to my crotch. But I never understood why she had to wait until my pants were in the hamper to start licking them.
My ex girlfriend had a tongue made out of Velcro. And it was really annoying that she'd always get it stuck to my wallet when she'd lick it. I guess I can't blame her though, because my wallet was made out of popsicles.
-Jarod Kintz
Since this is the magic blog, I wish that I was writing with a magic wand, rather than using my keyboard here. But, seeing as this is the magic blog, and I, Jarod Kintz am friends with The Mythical Mr. Boo, I will attempt to pull a rabbit out of this hat-like statement. Wait for it, wait for it. *pulls out rabbit* and there it is. Now I will transfor my magic wand into a carrot so that this hungry rabbit doesn't starve to death, because that's not part of any trick I'll be performing here tonight. No, the death of the rabbit is next week.
-Jarod Kintz
If time is a prison, as some people say, then wearing a watch is like wearing one of those house arrest anklets. And the only criminals who don't have to wear those anklets, are the people with no ankles, because they can't run too far anyways.
-Jarod Kintz
If time is a prison, as some people say, then your whole life is punishment as if you are living a life of crime. But why shouldn't we be punished? Just because we don't know why we're being punished? Ignorance is no exception to the law.
-Jarod Kintz
If time is a prison, as some people say, then death might be parole.
-Jarod Kintz
I once knew a couple named Barbara and Cliff, and he really had her over the edge. She eventually died of a broken heart and internal bleeding.
I'd like to meet a giant named Cliff. I'd take him to the desert, rock climb all over him, piss down his crack, repel down, and leave.
There's nothing I like more than nothing, except for something, but only sometimes.
Just as the bananas predicted, a monkey has come to reside in the White House.
Wise guys always ask me, "Is that a banana in your pocket?" I just laugh and say, "Nope, it's banana pudding. But it could use something thin to go along with it. Say, is that a vanilla wafer in your pocket?"
-Jarod Kintz
The future has a way of sneaking up behind you, like a midget ninja in the night.
-Jarod Kintz
Call me old fashioned, but I simply refuse to have sex with a pack of screeching, legless midgets.
I hope his throat was itchy, because his voice was very scratchy. And where does it say I can't urinate in a trashcan during an interview?
If animals were words, I'd feel really bad if I deleted somebody's dog. But would it be evil if I tried to save it after I deleted it?
If fingernails had lift and produced flight, and birds had fingernails instead of those feathery things they have now, I'd love to go around clipping bird wings.
If runners high came in a bottle, I wouldn't huff it because it would probably smell like feet. And that would just be way too addicting.
-Jarod Kintz
His nickname in the locker-room was “Pinky Dick,” and thanks to him I now have genital warts in both nostrils.
-Jarod Kintz
Mondays always creep up behind me like a midget in a gangbang.
Hell yeah, I can dance! I would do “The Worm” for you, but I don’t want to soil my sweater.
My brain is as folded and wrinkled as the clothing in my luggage, which the airport has just informed me is like my mind--completely lost. It’s times like these I’m glad that I always wear three pairs of underwear.
The more he smoked, the more his eyes looked like egg rolls--folded over and fried. Just hanging around him brought me great fortune and wisdom, as well as giving me the munchies.
If I was a knight, I wouldn’t fight a dragon with a sword, but rather a giant cigarette, because that would effectively reduce the dragon to being a living lighter. And I can easily crush a lighter. Plus, slaying a dragon has got to be better than sex, and this way I’ll have a giant cigarette handy to enjoy after my victory.
If I was a knight, I wouldn’t attack a dragon with a sword, but rather a stick with marshmallows on it. And my shield would be a huge chocolate bar with a graham cracker shell. I’ll bet that the dragon would run away, never to come back for S’more.
Sure we met at a party, but the chatter was like cattle vomit--hard to digest. He talked about his latest book, Following In The Footprints Of Greatness: An Interview With The First Man To Interview And Get Mauled By Bigfoot., but the conversation was very blurry.
-Jarod Kintz
Sure we met at a party, but the chatter was like cattle vomit--hard to digest. He talked about his latest book, "Following In The Footprints Of Greatness: An Interview With The First Man To Interview And Get Mauled By Bigfoot," but the conversation was very blurry.
A man's cave is his castle, especially if he's a caveman.
If boogers were basketballs, I'd love to roll and spin them on my index finger.
Cows might not like drinking in saloons, but they really love barf food.
alightinthecave.com--a place for thinkers to meet and grow individually, through the inspiration a group of likeminded people can bring.
He sure had a motor mouth, but at least he had a handlebar mustache to go along with it.
IS BIGFOOT GAY? The news has just reported more evidence of Bigfoot. While there were no pictures of Bigfoot, a camper was found in the woods with a gaping asshole and severe internal bleeding. a crime scene investigator was quoted as saying, "only a creature with massive feet could have an extremity large enough to penetrate so deeply."
-Jarod Kintz
I don't like talking to men with mustaches, because sometimes I don't see their mouths moving and I think that the mustaches are talking to me. And ever since my father went bald, his hair leaving him after I yelled at it, I no longer converse with follicles of any kind.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has never bowled a perfect game three times in a row, but only because The Mythical Mr. Boo has only bowled twice in his life.
Hugh Heffner once asked The Mythical Mr. Boo if he had eleven twin brothers, because he was thinking of making a calendar of the world's sexiest men. The Mythical Mr. Boo said yes, he did have eleven twin brothers, but The Mythical Mr. Boo said he'd only be in the calendar if Hugh could mke it a thirteen month calendar, so The Mythical Mr. Boo could be in there twice.
If I was an accountant, my nickname would be "Monster Truck," because I'd be so good at crunching numbers. Thank God I'm not an accountant, because I'd hate wearing a helmet to work every day.
With checks, like a pool ball, it's better to bank it then bounce it.
It wasn’t that he laughed like a horse that I started calling him Mr. Ed, it was the fact that he liked jumping over fences and had a fourteen inch penis.
I once heard of a mythical beast who had one black foot and one white foot. And the white foot always tried to stay one step ahead of the black foot, while the black foot was always trying to catch up and pass the white foot. This creature was called Bigot Foot.
If I was a mad scientist, I wouldn't try to brainwash anybody with a filthy rag fro the gutter.
I'll sit on the sponge if you're on the rag.
(pic of me in front of a bush with a microphone): My exclusive interview with Bush.
(Pic of me and Carter Bear): He doesn't pick up women. They pick him up.
Yeah I slept with her. I also drooled all over her forehead.
(Pic of me holding Gordon who's holding my cat): I'm Jarod's biggest fan.
(Pic of Gordon hanging on the wall holding a half empty picture frame over his face and chest. The half of the frame that's filled is filled with poster board and has this written on it: "I'd like to meet a guy named Art..." I'm also in the picture scowling and looking critical of Gordon hanging on the wall like he's a piece of art)
-Jarod Kintz
Hey, I’m Jarod, and welcome to my website. First, a little about myself before I explain my philosophy on the website. I guess all the madness started a few years ago with t-shirts. I had one of my t-shirt ideas, Luck Off, picked up by Urban Outfitters. That was pretty cool. I was very into coming up with t-shirt ideas there for a while. But very soon I got bored with just coming up with t-shirt ideas and started exploring other forms of expression.
Writing one-liners and random thoughts quickly filled my time like piss in a bedpan, and it was just as relieving for me too. Then I got hooked up with Robbie Raggs , a DJ, and Pete Blankenhorn, the head writer for the now extinct (Robbie moved on to stand-up comedy) Robbie Raggs Radio Show. They wanted me to do a bit called “E-mails from Jarod,” where I would read and record my prank emails to random corporations to the background music of The Titanic theme song (the instrumental version). It would have been great, if only radio restrictions didn’t tighten up like a regular sized condom on a horse’s penis. Only one actually played over the air. But it was OK, because within six months my first book would come out. E-mails from a Madman continued and expounded upon the collection of e-mails. I had a lot of fun with that book, and I’ve gotten some great customer reviews. That means a lot to me. Then I was offered this website, where I could further express myself with all my random thoughts. But there’s a new dynamic with the concept of this website. That dynamic is you.
My goal with my random thoughts is to not only make you smile, laugh, or think, but to actually inspire the madness that dwells within you. I’d love nothing more than to bring about the starving artist within you; to be the bread and water for that stringy little person lounging around in your subconscious wearing nothing but your grandmother’s bathrobe. User interaction is welcomed and encouraged on this site. Upload original pictures relative to the website on the fan section, or e-mail me with a random thought that you think should be in rotation on the homepage. Actually, e-mail Brittany, and she’ll forward it to me. Inspiration is what excites me. There is no greater feeling than coming up with an idea that nobody else has had before, or seeing the world in a different shade of gray than all the guys, girls and Earls before you.
In closing, I’d love to quote some famous person here, but I both forgot his name, and his quote, so I guess I’ll just skip it. Oh yeah, and if you like the site, and want to support my future intellectual endeavors, click on the PayPal link above my picture to the right. What’s ten or twenty dollars to you? Not much, probably, but to me it’s a big deal. And don’t forget to e-mail Brittany if you just feel the need to share your random, bizarre, surreal, or even absurd thoughts with the world.
-Jarod Kintz
I have a scale map of my penis that has a one-to-one ratio. One inch equals one inch. the map is only one inch long, but it's folded and wrinkled.
Dear Gwenduhlynn,
I love how you roll your eyes like you roll your apple-bottom buttocks. and the way you danced with that random dude all night last night at the club was hilarious. He must have been so jealous of me. I'll bet you couldn't stop talking about me, huh? By the way he kept looking over at me and smirking, I knew you were making him envious. I also saw you give him a phone number. You probably gave him your newly disconnected cell phone number, huh? haha Sneaky girl. That reminds me, you never did give me your new number. So what is your new number?
I know a man who used to make boxes for a living, until he found out the boxes were held in place with glue, and glue is made from horses. This presented a moral dilemma for the man, since he was engaged to a horse.
-Jarod Kintz
He was stuttering like a speed boat with a sputter, and his wet mustache fluttered like a floating and bloated beaver.
I wanted a refund on some socks I just bought, because they each had a huge hole in them. And the shifty shift manager of the store where I bought them, rather than returning my money, tried to convince me that the holes are in fact made by the manufacturer, and they are where i slip my feet in the socks. What, did he think I was born the day before yesterday? Hell no, because that was Friday, and I was born on a Thursday. Not last Thursday, but maybe the one before, I can't remember.
He had eyes like salmon eggs, tiny red beads that made me want to dress up in a fish costume and take a bite out of his skull. Or maybe they weren't red, but more of a blue. either way, they'd look better on the end of a hook and floating lifeless in a river, along with his body.
-Jarod Kintz
This is the opening sentence of my research paper, with the words fishing net in it, to really pull you in. And I hope you brought your fishing pole and a Naked Lunch, because we’re going Trout Fishing in America. Just me, you, William S. Burroughs, Richard Brautigan, and Trout Fishing in America.
-Jarod Kintz
Here, Burroughs extends his imagination to draw upon carnival people. This may be because carnival people are intrinsically funny, since they are so abnormal, but it may also be to draw a conclusion in the sand with a jellyfish of a thought, one that really jiggles joyfully while it simultaneously stings your consciousness.
-Jarod Kintz
Ahh yes, I generally agree with you, except in the places where I don't agree with you. And in those places, I might not agree with myself, generally speaking. But at least I don't disagree with The Mythical Mr. Boo most of the time, unless he's trying to eat my shoe (I only have one shoe since I only have one leg). Some people might think that I, Jarod Kintz, have two legs, but I am under the strong suspicion that my right leg is actually a former KGB spy sent by Vladimir Putin to gain information about the CIA. I keep telling my leg that I know nothing, but it won't even listen. So the torture continues on a nightly basis, with lots of kicking and screaming.
-Jarod Kintz
Of all the places in the world I'd rather live, I'd rather live in the place next door to the place I'd rather live, because if "the grass is always greener," then the grass there is so green there it's as blue as the tropical sea (the place I'd rather live is on the beach).
-Jarod Kintz
I saw 1/2 of a Siamese twin wearing a shirt that said, "I'm with stupid."
I saw a Siamese twin who was skinny, and then attached to her was her obese twin. I guess the skinny one always got the side of the plate with the vegetables, and the other one always got the side with the steak.
-Jarod Kintz
If I was as tall as the twin towers, I wouldn't have wanted a terrorist flying a plane into my forehead. I'd have swatted that plane down.
He had columns of gold coins that shimmered like stacks of salmon that were dripping with butter.
Mr. Itchydick wears underwear made of wool. I'd recommend never shaking hands with Mr. Itchydick.
-Jarod Kintz
Aliens might be green, like pickles, but I'll bet they don't taste as tasty on a hamburger.
If there was an endless well, I'd push my dad down it, knowing that he doesn't believe in Jesus. Since he wouldn't die on impact, seeing that he'd fall for eternity, maybe that'd be the loophole for him to achieve immortality with no faith.
When I die, I want to live forever in heaven. But I sure hope they have recreational activities up there, because when I get bored I fall asleep. And forever is a long time to sleep.
I don't think hell is fire and demons. I think hell is a comfy bed, surrounded by alarm clocks designed to go off at the precise moment you fall asleep.
-Jarod Kintz
Fact: Ice cream goes well with almost all pies, including pie charts. Particularly pie charts dealing with ice cream demographics.
Fact: Nearly all people represent almost the whole population.
What if on the historical timeline, there was a space-time trampoline in the year 2020? Man, I think that’d be pretty cool to land on it on New Years and back flip through history. But I’ll bet by the time I got back to the night of my high school prom, I’d probably be so dizzy that I’d throw up all over the dance floor, just like I did the first time around.
-Jarod Kintz
If I were Jackson Pollack, for one of my creations, I would dress up in a bear costume and do a painting on a cave wall. It would be so post modern it would be Neolithic.
-Jarod Kintz
She had an ass like a bumper, and I just wanted to sticker. And all I felt I needed to do was find a clever saying and slap it on.
If there was a man who was like both Napoleon and Ray Kroc, I don't think he'd wage wars. Of if he did, he'd keep it to a minimum.
His ideas melted the same way molten lava disintegrates dentures and zippers and anything else with fake teeth. But his ideas couldn't chomp food, like dentures do, or be the gateway between a penis and a urinal, like a zipper is.
Although Frank had big ideas about life preservers, these ideas drowned in the river, along with the flailing, frantic Frank. I guess Frank's ideas about life preservers weren’t actually better than real life preservers after all.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm having a chicken noodle soup party. B.Y.O.P. (Bring your own pepper).
My hero is Helen Keller. I can't imagine another mortal who could show me the world like she could. She could teach me to see by teaching me to feel.
the customers at Wal-Mart are like smooth, flat rocks: great for skipping, and better off at the bottom of a lake.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is allergic to The Rolling Stones. "Poison Ivy" makes him itch all over.
-Jarod Kintz
I never resort to arguing with my fists. The lowest I'll go is yelling at my elbows.
From across the lobby I could see her winking at me. Either that, or her left eye had a matching twitch to accompany her compulsive body spasms. I'll tell you though, picking up women at hospitals is just getting to be too easy.
If girlfriends were fists, I'd never fight with them. Instead, I'd redirect my anger and scream at my elbows.
To me, he seemed ungrateful. He begged for water, but I went one beyond his wish and gave him some Kool-Aid mix. Although I'm still offended, he died before he could apologize.
I think male models should yodel in Spandex, because what's sexier than a man yodeling in Spandex?
There's an art to making love with a paintbrush, but I'd recommend using a skinny brush the first time.
I want to start a college course called Couch 101. It'll be a class that anybody can sit in on.
When memories get warm, my mind has gone blanket.
He had hair like leaves in the fall; red and waiting to fall out.
He had a face like a washing machine, especially when he wore panties on his head.
He had eyes like coffee beans, but only when he was roasted.
He had eyes like old breasts: drooping and wrinkled.
He had eyes like thunder, always rolling but never lighting up.
He had a face like a bird feeder, with eyes like two sparrows’ beaks--narrow and surrounded by feathery eyebrows.
He had a laugh like a noose, as it seemingly choked out of his neck.
I could tell he was a tortured soul by the shackles dangling out from within his torso.
When life throws you a Rubik's Cube, make lemonade out of it. Then twist in some vodka and enjoy your mixed metaphor drink.
-Jarod Kintz
The second has an image of a monkey masturbating with illuminaed eyes, flushed cheeks, and he's sniffing granny panties. And the caption reads, "Thinking of you, Gammy."
-Jarod Kintz
Growing up, I always wished my parents had named me Logic. Logic Kintz. And since nobody, not even my parents, can argue with logic, I would never have had to do any chores.
I didn’t like the numbers assigned to my apartment, so I had a change of address. Although I didn’t move, my apartment number is now 1, and both the landlord and the pizza guy hate me.
If there were only two people on this earth, me and some guy with breakfast on h is car, i.e. eggs and bologna, I’m sure that everyone in the world would hate me.
Some people tell me that I’m not politically correct. Of course I am, I just don’t happen to represent their democratic views, that’s all.
I wonder if the singer named Seal got his name by using his cheeks as chumming material for Great White sharks?
-Jarod Kintz
My baby nephew is a real ladies man. He doesn't need to pick up women. They pick him up.
-Jarod Kintz
I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.
A woman with a door knob on her chest will not let you in the back door. Trust me, I stood there knocking for hours.
For me, ejaculating is a victory, but I don't like to "rub it in people's faces" after I win.
I've never had cyber sex. My penis won't fit in the USB port. . . at least not without lots of lubrication.
If I was an armadillo and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother."
I caught a cold last week and lost my voice, which actually worked out perfectly because I simultaneously enrolled in mime classes.
I drink lots of water in the winter time. That way, nobody knows it when they are eating my "yellow snow". Not even me.
I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language. I fell asleep in the fetal position in her cat's litter box. Ah, 'twas a great night. I'll never forget dancing with an albino under the stars.
I truly believe "the eyes are the gateway to the soul." And that's precisely why I go around squirting Windex in people's faces.
How could I say no? I mean, who could resist the question, "Will you dance with me?" coming from a left shoe?
Fact: 78% of all stab wound victims agree that jarodkintz.com is better than a Band Aid. The other 22% were reputedly stabbed by me.
I'm allergic to fingers, so I have to eat pizza with my feet. You should see me "eat on the run."
I just put a mirror over my bed to enhance my sex life. Now I just have to put it to some use and talk my room mate into letting my have the top bunk.
There should be a West Virginia adage that says, "Never sleep with your boss' daughter, even if you work for your dad."
Fact: 9 out of 10 perverts prefer Pee Wee Herman over Jarod Kintz. The tenth pervert, the one who preferred Jarod Kintz, was of course Jarod Kintz.
I met a girl who collected hair follicles and toe nail clippings. I asked her out on a date to go buy some wax. We made candles with the fragrance of hair follicles that night as we burned each other's eyebrows. Then we made a sandwich out of my sandals.
The Mythical Mr. Boo will gladly trade his shoes for two chickens and one goat. Or, three chickens, a rooster and a housecat. Or, if you have no chickens or goats, he'll accept three cartons of eggs, four pounds of cheddar cheese, and an exclusive photo shoot with Dustin Diamond.
If instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs sticking out of my hands, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could run my fingers thru his hair.
If I had 88 fingers, I couldn't count all of my blessings on both hands, but I could play the piano like no other.
I broke up with my girlfriend, because she lied about having two boyfriends, when I knew all along that she only had one.
If courage was a cooler, I'd leak all over myself.
My neighbor is as stupid as a cinder block for letting me throw him through his own car windshield.
In bed, my girlfriend likes to get religious. She'll often get on her knees and break out her rosary. Yeah, she's a real tight ass.
Renaldo's girlfriend tells him all the time that he's a romantic. She loves it. Flowers, candles, candy. After all, what seven-year-old doesn't like candy?
It would make sense if my balls were actually giant peanuts, since I'm allergic to peanut butter, and I'm always scratching my balls.
I like women who, instead of talking, pay attention when I am listening. Generally, these women are mute.
Last night my band, "The Grizzlies" and I rocked out all night. I played air guitar nonstop until my fingers bled. Then I did some finger painting on the cave wall where my band and I live.
The customers in line at Wal-Mart are like smooth, flat rocks. Great for skipping, and better off at the bottom of a lake.
Hugh Heffner once asked The Mythical Mr. Boo if he had eleven twin brothers, because he was thinking of making a calendar of the world's sexiest men. The Mythical Mr. Boo said yes, he did have eleven twin brothers, but The Mythical Mr. Boo said he'd only be in the calendar if Hugh could make it a thirteen month calendar, so The Mythical Mr. Boo could be in there twice.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo never eats at friends' houses, but only because all of the Mythical Mr. Boo's friends are homeless.
It's not that The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't trust anybody, it's that all of the people The Mythical Mr. Boo trusted had to be shot for various reasons.
They say that primates are the only creature with opposable thumbs. I guess that makes The Mythical Mr. Boo a savage beast, because The Mythical Mr. Boo has always felt that has to remove any opposition, including his thumbs.
The only moment of silence The Mythical Mr. Boo takes for the dead is that frozen fraction of a finger twitch that it takes a bullet to ballet down the barrel of a silencer into the solemn temple of his antagonize. Oh, how The Mythical Mr. Boo loves to tango with the trigger of a Sig Sauer.
If I could wear shoes on my fingers, I'd love to Cha Cha with my chode.
-Jarod Kintz
If a feisty, festive midget snatches your panties this holiday season, don't worry. I told an elf I wanted to wear them on Christmas Eve.
-Jarod Kintz
I never get erections, but about thirty times a day my pants suddenly become too tight.
-Jarod Kintz
My daughter will be a diamond, not a lump of coal, because I'll put too much pressure on her to be great.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm a retired lump of coal. I used to have ambitions to be a diamond, but it took up too much time and was way too much pressure.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo never talks about his work. Mostly because he’s unemployed.
The Mythical Mr. Boo only believes in things he can see. And he only invests in things he believes in. Therefore, The Mythical Mr. Boo never invests in his future.
The Mythical Mr. Boo would prefer going Dutch on a first date, if only he could find a girl from the Netherlands to ask out.
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn’t eat leftovers, because The Mythical Mr. Boo only kills as much as he can eat.
The Mythical Mr. Boo would gladly give up his life for this country, if only he didn’t believe that by doing so he would get reincarnated as a raccoon. Because, according to The Mythical Mr. Boo, “Spending one lifetime rooting around in the trash is about all this soul can stand.” Who would have thought that the homeless could be so patriotic?
As an avid mountain climber, and a man who’s hard as stone, The Mythical Mr. Boo has always looked up to Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Roosevelt. And, although he’s impatient, The Mythical Mr. Boo is trying not to Rushmore.
-Jarod Kintz
The voices in my head are always telling me they don’t exist, but I never believe them, so then they try to convince me that I don’t exist.
I want to come out with a Hindu website called, “adotonyourforehead.com.” And then, on the homepage, there will be a picture of a Hindu person with a dot on their forehead with a caption that says, “That dot on the forehead indicates that you are here.”
If I was a hamburger, I don’t think I’d like the way American cheese tries to spread itself all over the place. No, I’d much prefer the quiet, peaceful, and neutral demeanor of Swiss cheese, even though it’s covered with bullet-sized holes.
If time is money, and there is something called space-time, then there must be something called space-money. And that’s way I want to be an astronaut, so I can amass a meteorite-sized retirement nest egg. I’ll put the G’s back in G-force.
-Jarod Kintz
The only moment of silence The Mythical Mr. Boo takes for the dead is that frozen fraction of a finger twitch that it takes a bullet to ballet down the barrel of a silencer into the solemn temple of his antagonizer. Oh, how The Mythical Mr. Boo loves to tango with the trigger of a Sig Sauer.
-Jarod Kintz
Ethereal of Relativity: The Phantoms of Funny.
Who I'd like to meet: Half-wits, boozers, boners, stoners, sexists, and the few people left over at Florida State University who don't fit in the aforementioned categories.
-Jarod Kintz
I think an “air tight” documentary about sandwiches should be called a Ziplocumentary, but my neighbor disagreed. So I had to stuff him in a brown paper bag and toss him off a moving school bus.
My neighbor is so stupid, if you were to pay him a million dollars to answer the following question, “What day of the week is it?” he’d need a multiple choice bubble-in sheet with eight possible circles to darken. And he’d still probably miss the question.
My neighbor is so stupid, it took him eight tries to guess what day of the week it was. But he only got it on the eighth try after I informed him that there was no such thing as Vernsday, which he thought came after Wednesday and before Thursday.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate to admit that my girlfriend has more brains than I do. She's got a dozen or so, while I only have eight.
I was cleaning my apartment and moving heavy furniture around the other day, and I accidentally threw out my back. That was stupid. I should have given it to Goodwill.
I remember my Grand pappy sitting me down one day and telling me, "Boy, no matter how big you get in this world, a loveseat is meant for two."
I remember my Grand pappy sitting me down one day and telling me, "Boy, as you grow up and get bigger in the world, the doors will not only open up for you, but they will always appear to be getting narrower and narrower."
I heard that Michael Jackson wants to have both his knees replaced by two dildos. He wants to be Santa at the mall and have all the little boys lining up just to sit on his lap.
-Jarod Kintz
This is in fact a socially acceptable standard of measurement within the Pygmy community. When I was over there, deep within the jungles of Africa, they told me I had a seven and a half "inch" penis. I was so excited I vomited in my socks, which I was keeping in my underwear at the moment.
-Jarod Kintz
If I was a muskrat, I'd be heartbroken, because my face would be furry and therefore i couldn't grow a curly-Q mustache.
The other day, I thought I found a bunch of random hairs in my curly fries, but it turned out to be a few freshly waxed curly-Q mustaches. And normally I don't glue fries to my face, but on that day I felt compelled to make an acceptation.
-Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz
The curly-Q mustache poem
The other day, I found the customers in line at Wal-Mart
to be like smooth, flat rocks. Great for skipping, and better off
at the bottom of a lake. But if it wasn’t for them, I’d never have experienced my greatest memory. It all happened as I was listening to experimental music at Arby’s, and eating a Market Fresh roast beef sandwich (with extra mayonnaise).
Then, as the music was exploding
in my ears like a cherry bomb inside a cello, something caught my eye like a trout on a hook.
“What is that?” I thought to myself, and to everyone else in the restaurant as I shouted it into my bullhorn. Well, I thought I found
a bunch of random hairs in my curly fries, but it turned out to be a few freshly waxed curly-Q mustaches. Now normally I don't glue fries to my face, but on that day I felt compelled to make an acceptation. That was a week ago, and as of right now I still haven’t either washed my face or shaved.
It's not that my penis enjoyed the freedom of an erection, it's that my pants practiced oppressive tightness.
-Jarod Kintz
I think a great Kleenex commercial would be to have The Mythical Mr. Boo standing in a room with Aretha Franklin, since The Mythical Mr. Boo is allergic to Respect, and he'd be sneezing compulsively
I think The Mythical Mr. Boo would make an excellent tight rope walker, since he's also allergic to flat, wide places. South Dakota makes him sneeze.
-Jarod Kintz
A man with wooden teeth never eats termites, or drinks paint thinner. Well, almost never. The Mythical Mr. Boo does, but only on special occasions, like Tuesdays.
-Jarod Kintz
If girlfriend's were fonts, you wouldn't be my type. I prefer Rockwell extra Bold.
--Jarod Kintz
Kintzanity
-Jarod Kintz
As my Grand pappy used to say, "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing naked." He always used to say that when we were in the shower.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to lead an army of chickens, just so I can slaughter their young to make a world record omelets.
I want to be a Pharaoh among journalists, and be buried in an inverted pyramid, along with my worldly riches such as a Pulitzer prize, a Guinness book of world records certificate, and a picture of Mark Twain that I personally forged his signature on.
Friends come in all shapes and sizes, but the best friends generally come in large boxes.
If there was a gun that didn't shoot bullets, but instead shot out happiness, the world would probably be a very sad place, because the person who invented the prototype gun would most likely be bi-polar, and die from an overdose of happy shots to the face before the gun could go into production.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't read with my eyes, but rather my ears, as the voice of the piece echoes in my imagination, much like the sea reverberates in a conch shell.
Fact: All the "facts" on jarodkintz.com are not only inaccurate, but are simply beyond absurd.
People call Renaldo "Lightning Dick," because his penis is so white and crooked, plus he's always flashing it and scaring little children.
All the content on this website is available to you for five pennies less than a nickel.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't read with my eyes, but rather my ears, as the voice of the piece echoes in my imagination, much like the sea reverberates in a conch shell. Mostly I read books that sound like the ocean.
Friends come in all shapes and sizes, but the best friends generally come in large boxes marked “fragile.”
-Jarod Kintz
The billowy clouds rolled over the hills like a pack of midgets tumbling over the grass wearing gray cotton togas, and I couldn't help but chuckle with excitement.
The Mythical Mr. Boo would be a man of science, if only he wasn't so godly. And by godly I mean that he has a long white beard, wears white robes, and always has sandals on his feet.
I keep my flip flops on my boss' desk, because that's where my feet always are.
-Jarod Kintz
I was the sand, and her love was like what a cat produces several hours after overeating. And I am thankful to that other guy for coming along later and scooping up her love.
Wallets are like vaginas. They both have folds, they both look good with my fingers in them, and the deeper both are, the more valuable they are. also, both make great homes for my business cards.
-Jarod Kintz
When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.
-Jarod Kintz
Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.
For Renaldo, ejaculating is a victory. Fortunately, he doesn't like to "rub it in people's faces" after he wins.
If they made a TV remote control that doubled as a dildo, I don't think Renaldo would ever get off his ass to change the channel.
One time I spent half an hour looking for my penis before I realized that I was already holding it. And so was Renaldo.
After they broke up, Renaldo's ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because his mother only has his best interest in mind.
-Jarod Kintz
I have third degree carpet burns from when I skidded across a burning rug.
I met a bald guy who tried to cover it up by wearing a toupee. I knew he wore a rug on his head because he had carpet burns on his forehead.
-Jarod Kintz
A good metaphor shouldn't have to be too extended to reach out and try to choke something out of the reader.
-Jarod Kintz
People make fruit flavored candy, and fruit flavored water, but nobody makes water flavored candy. I want to make some. It would be kind of like ice in that it would be exactly like ice. But it would not have a very long shelf life.
I like flavored water. I like water flavored water.
-Jarod Kintz
I like dirt flavored water. I like mud. I like mud with my morning bacon.
-Jarod Kintz
I like dirt flavored water. Some call it mud. Whatever you call it, I like it when it's been sloshed around with my morning bacon.
The only way my day could be better is if I was wearing a black hat made out of soft fur that was shaped like a Bombay, and I also had a third arm growing in place of my unibrow so that I could reach up and pet my hat, which I'd name "Mr. Fizzlebush."
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend is like an elephant in that she can never simply "forget about it." Oh, and she damn near weighs a ton.
-Jarod Kintz
If I didn't think George W. Bush was a moron, I'd mistake him for a comic genius.
-Jarod Kintz
Frederic was a philandering, philosophic frog, who croaked while fornicating with fourteen French whores.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo wants to see more people in wheelchairs doing stand-up comedy.
The Mythical Mr. Boo thought his ex girlfriend would have made an excellent secondary character in a story, because she was so flat.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has such large shoes to fill that he laces them up with extension cords. and anybody who tries to step in his shoes is bound to be on a power trip.
-Jarod Kintz
I wouldn't be against having a robot become mayor, because then it would be easier to grease my local politician.
If I ever go volunteer at a soup kitchen, I'll probably go dressed up as either a giant spoon, or a pepper shaker. you know, just to spice up some homeless person's day.
-Jarod Kintz
It's not that The Mythical Mr. Boo's head is buried in the sand, but rather, his body is buried in the breeze.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is a savvy businessman, and he's always on the lookout for new opportunities. His newest venture is trying to sell chap stick to the summer breeze, because someone told him that they heard the "wind whistling in the trees."
-Jarod Kintz
I saw two racists screaming at each other the other day. One of them called the other one a bigot. That’s like a pot calling the kettle a ni**er. But I haven't heard a pot call anyone anything, except for maybe that one time when I pissed in that pot and it called me an asshole.
-Jarod Kintz
I love home renovation. I just put an island in the middle of my kitchen. It helps me to lose weight, always having to swim to the fridge.
I think a great Christmas gift would be fifty scratch off lottery tickets, a roll o pennies, to scratch the tickets with, and a package of ground beef, just to let the other person know you really care.
-Jarod Kintz
Drug tests absolutely infuriate me. I had to take a piss test the other day, and all the splattering made it look like I just Christmas treed the Scantron.
Drug tests infuriate me. I had to take a piss test the other day. I know I failed because I splattered all over that Scantron. I can barely hit inside the circle of a toilet, let alone those tiny little bubbles they want you to darken on a Scantron.
-Jarod Kintz
I thought that might get you aroused. So I'm guessing you noticed that I had cabbage caked on my forehead. That's a little trick I do to get you in the mood. And I also don't wear deodorant. Nope, I had mustard crusted under my pits. It's almost euphoric.
-Jarod Kintz
We travelled up te mountains of Peru and enjoyed the company of our odorous armpits, as we giggled like school girls in mini skirts. (Although, we both wore respectable length skirts, remember?)
-Jarod Kintz
I'm like the ghost of a ninja. I can just vanish like the period at the end of this sentence
I'm like the ghost of a ninja. I can just vanish like the period at the end of this sentence. OK, just because I can make both myself and punctuation marks disappear, doesn't mean I abuse my power.
Everywhere I go, I always carry my portable for-making machine. It makes for both great entrances, and great escapes. It also helps that I'm almost always wearing a red cape.
-Jarod Kintz
You’ve got to get up pretty early in the afternoon to fool a man like me.
In high school, I had a circle of friends that included two imaginary midgets and a field mouse, whom I later dissected for disloyalty.
I once saw a tight-rope walker walking on a power line. He was electrifying.
I was attracted to my ex girlfriend like cops to doughnuts. Like midgets to roller coaster rides they aren’t tall enough to ride. Like Paris Hilton to panties, but I only felt that way at the end of the relationship when I wanted to take off.
-Jarod Kintz
When I first met my ex girlfriend, I had so many butterflies in my stomach it felt like I had just eaten a bowl full of caterpillars. But I didn't. I had just eaten termite soup, and I ate with a wooden spoon.
-Jarod Kintz
My uncle lives in a gated community. And somehow he even managed to get his own cell.
With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.
You're the Audrey Hepburn of teachers. You put the "class" in classic, with your timeless style.
-Jarod Kintz
A good simile shouldn't have to be extended like an arm to reach out and try to choke something out of the reader.
-Jarod Kintz
(Pic. of a bum): Will work for jarodkintz.com
I’m like a blank book. I’m never content.
-Jarod Kintz
My eyelids are getting as heavy as the mini skirts on the girls in my dreams, and I'm getting just as tired of lifting them too.
I once took a picture of a Grandfather clock and a popsicle while they were having sex, and now that moment is forever "frozen in time."
My graduation keeps getting pushed back like its an overgrown cuticle, but I'll eventually nail it.
Even though the little boy felt like a fingernail, he tried to be mature and act like a manicure about being so rudely cut off.
I must have grappled with it for thirty minutes, but I just couldn't convince myself to join the debate team. Then I thought, "If I can't even win an argument with myself, I probably shouldn't join the debate team." And then I thought, "But I did just effectively counter argue against joining, so..." But in the end I got distracted by a cheese sandwich and never got around to signing up.
I must have frantically sifted through the ash trying to see any sign of her for a good half hour before I finally put the lid back on the vase and left the crematorium.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm looking forward to looking forward, but right now I'm only halfway there.
Of all the fragrances in the world, I think my favorite would have to be the smell of the inside of my nostrils. In fact, I wouldn't mind if I inhaled that scent every second for the rest of my life.
-Jarod Kintz
I tried giving a butterfly kiss to a caterpillar, but she didn't think the timing was right.
Somebody knows they are getting a shit present from me if I wrap it in toilet paper.
I feel America’s obesity problem would be minimized if every TV remote and every computer mouse weighed pounds, not ounces.
-Jarod Kintz
I like playing connect the dots with people who have lots of freckles. just last week i drew all over some guy, and after connecting all the dots, the image came out looking like Ron Howard. So I had him autograph my drawing of him.
I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?" It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line.
A lot of kids today grow up in single parent households. When I was growing up, I only ever saw my father once, and that was right before we started playing hide 'n seek. I'm pretty sure he hid in the trunk of his car, even though nobody, not even the authorities, have thought to look for his car at the bottom of Lake Alice.
My dog must be afraid of heights, because he always urinates on my magic carpet. Just kidding, it's absurd to think I'd have one of those, because I'm a cat person.
Even tough my cat is deaf, she still loves Green Day. Also, she's colorblind.
Last week I stole my neighbor's shoes, then I ran around my front yard several times before returning them. His dog hasn't crapped on my lawn since.
Sometimes I get tired of my right arm falling asleep. I think if I somehow managed to cut my left arm off with a pillow, my right arm would then be too afraid to fall asleep.
-Jarod Kintz
Yes, I'll be the banana in your banana nut bread.
-Jarod Kintz
If silence is golden, and gold is rising in value, then silence is a solid investment.
-Jarod Kintz
I bought a new pair of panties I'd like to see her try on. I even cut eye holes in them so she could see.
-Jarod Kintz
Even though I don't like renting, we might have to. Currently my band and I are looking for an affordable bunk bed.
-Jarod Kintz
If I was a DJ, I’d call myself DJ Mayonnaise. Then when people would ask me to play their parties and weddings, I’d say, “Sorry, but I’m already spread too thin as it is.”
-Jarod Kintz
Maybe UFOs are just giant Frisbees that the world's superpowers toss back and forth across the Atlantic when they get bored with taxing and oppressing their populations.
If I built a time travel machine, I'd name it "The Scantron," because if the answers are in the future, then the questions lie in the past, and the thing that links the two is "The Scantron." I'd also probably play some Celine Dion at my unveiling ceremony.
If I was a baby manatee, I'd probably swim away if I saw a boat coming, unless I thought it was my mother. But me personally, I'd be scared if I saw that my mother suddenly had an outboard motor growing out of her ass.
I don't know why we call the main component of a computer a motherboard, because the last time I checked--and I looked very thoroughly-- there weren't any milk dispensing nipples among the circuitry.
If I had a boat with no motor, I'd name it "Dogatee," because everybody knows that Dogatee is manatee's best friend.
I'd like to meet Helen Keller, because by teaching me how to feel, she would teach me how to see.
-Jarod Kintz
I love John Mayer's song, "Waiting on the World to Change," because in the middle of the song, for about ten seconds or so, my car is magically transformed from a vehicle into an elevator.
-Jarod Kintz
I once took a picture of a Grandfather clock and a popsicle while they fornicating in the freezer, and now that moment is forever "frozen in time."
I bought a new pair of panties I'd like to see my girlfriend try on. I even cut eye holes in them so she could see.
Even though my band and I don't like renting, we might have to. Currently we (all seventeen of us) are looking for an affordable bunk bed.
Maybe UFOs are just giant Frisbees that the world's superpowers toss back and forth across the Atlantic when they get bored with overtaxing and oppressing their populations
-Jarod Kintz
Somebody should make dining room chairs with scales on the seats that lets the person sitting on them know if they are eligible for a second portion, or if in fact they are too fat to be able to eat more.
The last time I saw my ex girlfriend before she died, she had changed her hair color to bright orange, like fire. Or maybe that was just the flames engulfing her wig and forehead. But I'm not a hairdresser, or a firefighter, so I really can't be sure.
If I had vicious dogs growing out of my fingers, instead of fingernails, I wouldn't bite them, unless of course they tried to bite me.
I'd love to tell a great joke about the flu, because I'll bet the laughter from it would be so contagious that people would have to get a shot just to stop laughing.
I once told a joke about pepper and nobody laughed, but they did all sneeze. All except fot The Mythical Mr. Boo, because he hates jokes about pepper.
-Jarod Kintz
I was out to dinner last night, and immediately after my server brought the drinks, I told her, “This sweet tea tastes like an armpit.” “Oh,” she replied, “I can put it in a glass if you’d prefer.”
I don’t think I’ll ever let my children play “sharks and minnows.” Not after I saw my childhood friend Teddy get his leg torn off.
I told my girlfriend it wouldn’t hurt if she shaved off a few pounds, starting with the hair on her back. But you know her, she’s as stubborn as an ox, even though she’s a mountain goat.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to want to join Weight Watchers, but I figured I’d rather watch grass grow than watch fat accumulate.
I’m glad my nephew isn’t a blade of grass, because then one day I’d have to tell him, “I remember when you used to come up to my knee. That was way back when, before we had to cut you down.”
My neighbor’s nose is so big that Jesus could have been crucified on it. Also, his nose is made of wood, and he’s a terrible liar.
-Jarod Kintz
How many midgets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, assuming that they both can fit.
-Jarod Kintz
Whenever I'm out training on my unicycle, I wonder if Lance Armstrong raced bikes with as many wheels as he has testicles, would he be a world ranked unicyclist?
Sometimes I wonder if Speedos are the Stalin of clothing, always oppressing and constricting genitalia.
Sometimes I wonder if the Battle of the Bulge was fought by men wearing Spandex?
Growing up, Grandmother wouldn't let me break dance. Not after that one day she came home to find all her China broken.
Democrats are like guys with no shins or feet. They want to stand for everything, but instead they spend most of their time on their knees.
It's not that my pockets aren't deep enough to be a Republican, it's just that they don't allow guys in pink Speedos at their formal banquets.
My boss once asked me if I could "rise to the occasion." And even though it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, somehow I managed to get on that elevator.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wonder if Speedos are the Stalin of swimwear, always oppressing and constricting genitalia.
I used to date an older obese woman named Ten, but everyone just called her "X". Now I just call her ex X. She'll be XXXI next month, and I think I'll get her an XXL sweatshirt for her birthday.
-Jarod Kintz
I just bought a pair of boat shoes, but I haven't worn them yet because I'm afraid my feet will get seasick.
-Jarod Kintz
The only question I ever ask when someone invites me to a party is, Do I have to bring my own Duct tape?
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend had hair that was as stiff and strait as guitar strings, although not as musical when I’d pick at it and run my fingers through it.
I just bought a pair of boat shoes, but I haven't worn them yet because I'm afraid my feet will get seasick. And my feet smell bad enough as it is, without them throwing up all over the place.
If the moon has enough power to pull the tides, I’ll bet if a werewolf ever got into the ocean it would rip it apart. Oh, you don’t think so? OK, then how do you explain what happened to my Grand pappy?
I used to think my ex girlfriend was a werewolf. Not because she tried to eat me on a full moon--which she tried to do--but rather, because she had a hairy chest. Or maybe she was just wearing a fur coat, I can’t really remember. But I do know she definitely needed to be stabbed through the heart, I’m sure of that. Well, pretty sure anyways.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend had hair that was as stiff and strait as guitar strings, although not as musical when I’d pick at it and run my fingers through it. I wish she would have been bald though, because I'm way better at air guitar.
the other day I made some cookies out of kittens, and the only way my neighbor knew they were made from scratch was because they had claws in them.
In high school I got caught using my pseudo falsetto voice to call in a fake bomb threat to try to get out of taking a test. They probably knew it was me because my pseudo falsetto voice sounds exactly like my normal voice. Well that, and I was home schooled, and Mother heard me talking from my bedroom.
-Jarod Kintz
I got hit by a car last week. I was wearing my chicken suit. I was just trying to cross the road.
-Jarod Kintz
I brought some bar soap home yesterday. I thought a shower would help sober it up, but it didn't.
I did an oil painting the other day, although I must admit that it was pretty crude.
Last week I bought an oil painting in the splatter style of Pollack. Actually, it came free with the concrete on the floor of the garage.
-Jarod Kintz
To me, people are like cars, and our brains are like engines. Seeing as I don’t want to have a mental breakdown, I always drink plenty of oil. And to avoid getting too clunky, I try to eat a low carburetor diet.
I think it’s really important to make a list of all the really important things in your life, starting with the list itself. And I know it will be hard, but try not to cross off items on the list because you mistook it for the grocery list. I know it’s tough, because if you’re anything like me, all you ever buy, and all you ever care about, is toilet paper and People magazine.
If some guy were to tell me that they make rooms with padded walls, I’d probably look at him like he was crazy.
-Jarod Kintz
If Flipper was my friend, I'd probably buy him a bottle of shampoo for his birthday, with a note that says, "All the ladies might love you, but let's not forget that you're bald, old buddy."
If friends were coffee beans, I'd love making friends. But I wouldn't go to Starbucks, because I don't need to pay for my friends.
All these high tech thieves nowadays are stealing people's identities online. I remember back in the day when all you had to do to steal someone's identity was to rip their face off their skull. Ah, sweet nostalgia.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish underwear were made out of rubber, like tires, because I don't like changing mine very much.
In the workplace, sex is like sardines--best when freshly canned.
My schedule is as flexible as a eighteen year old whore. (Not that I‘d know anything about that. I actually have no idea what’s on my schedule).
If my boss was a near sighted bug, I'd gladly let him observe the bottom of my shoe.
Standing around the campfire, the last thing I remember was my Grand pappy shouting, “A blanket won't help you get warmer if you throw it into the fire, boy. Not unless you wrap yourself up in it before throwing it in.” It was the last heated discussion we ever had.
Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction. But not bite them, because friends don’t bite friends.
I knew a homeless man who ran a business out of his home (if that‘s what you want to call it). I think he sold boxes.
I think smoking is the number two cause of cancer, behind marriage of course.
I wish there was a pen that wrote in plaid. Then I'd write short stories about long sleeve farmer’s shirts.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd only drink coffee to give my teeth a tan, but I'd also be willing to grow out a mustache and dye it white just to make my teeth appear browner. Maybe I’m just trying to overcompensate for my kneecaps going bald.
I once laughed so hard one morning that milk came ripping out of my nose. That was the last time I ever snorted powdered milk.
-Jarod Kintz
I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.
When I was growing up I had a pet rock that I loved dearly. And nothing hurt worse than the day my pet was stolen away from me just because I hurled it through my neighbor's window.
-Jarod Kintz
I'll bet if there was an evil villain, who was made out of sour cream, the only way you could kill him is if you shot him with a potato gun and then ate him.
-Jarod Kintz
If they ever come out with a lunar calendar, I think the pictures above each month should all be of werewolves. Werewolves eating blocks of cheese all shaped like the state of Wisconsin, with some belly dancing badgers in the background.
My cat, Missy, has wispy fur like cirrus clouds on a clear night sky, but only after I shave her. Oh, she hates it when I shave her, but she's the one who lost the bet, not me.
If I was the moon, and the ocean was the mayor of my city, I'd probably have lots of pull over him. But if I was the moon, I'd like to go back and change history. I'd go back to 1969 and stand up for myself and say, "No, Neal Armstrong, I won't let you walk all over me."
I like to think of grass as the fur of the earth. And that's why I make my girlfriend wear sod on her back during the wintertime, as an alternative to a mink coat. We'll also ride around town in a riding lawnmower and just wave and smile and try not to run over small furry animals.
If you take away his miracles, Jesus was a very down to earth kind of guy.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm trying to figure out how to crossbreed a chicken and a pine tree, because then I'll be able to have the freshest eggplants around.
My best friend has hands that kind of look like gorilla hands, which isn't as surprising as the fact that his face and body also kind of look like a gorilla. But he's not, he's an ape.
Maybe hell is having a wet body, no arms, and you're wearing woolen underwear. My balls itch just thinking about it.
I wish dogs were breasts, because then strange women in the park wouldn't mind as much when I touch them. And I'll be the first to tell you that there's nothing wrong with hairy boobs.
-Jarod Kintz
The thought of having milk flow through my veins makes my blood curdle.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to write a song called, "I think I'm entitled to a better title than this." It's about a boy who falls in love with a comma, before she gets spliced. It's more of a country song than anything else.
-Jarod Kintz
This weekend I plan on making a kite out of a Caution sign, just so I can throw a Caution sign to the wind.
Sometimes, when I'm hungry, I catch myself drooling as I look at my thumb, because it kind of looks like a chicken leg. And my thumb looks especially like a chicken leg if I also happen to be holding a pile of mashed potatoes in my hand.
Last summer, at a corporate picnic, I remember my boss shouting, "Ok, it's time for the watermelon seed spitting contest." But I misheard him. I thought he said shitting contest. I spent all afternoon in the bathroom trying to produce my entry that I thought would surely qualify me for the finals, but nobody even seemed the slightest bit excited to watch as I separated out 89 seeds from my feces.
Since Wisconsin is known for selling cheese, I'll bet there are some frugal fathers there who scold their squandering children by saying, "What do you think we are, made of cheese?"
When I stand at a urinal and marvel in my mind at the size of the universe, I get sad, because it just reemphasizes just how small my penis really is.
If Purina started cloning canines, it really could be a "dog eat dog world." but I wouldn't want that. No, I prefer keeping it a man eat dog world.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo just had his tear ducts surgically relocated to his groin, because the only time he cries is when he's standing in front of a urinal.
-Jarod Kintz
Don’t be an asshole and eat all the toilet paper.
I tried speed dating once, but I’m too much of a downer.
-Jarod Kintz
Suicide is selfish. Don't take your own life, take someone else's.
To become a butterfly, you must first have the patience of a caterpillar. And it wouldn't hurt if you also had sixteen legs.
It was a rainy Valentines day last year when my girlfriend and I decided to go to the Olive Garden, but it was a little too muddy to truly be romantic.
Even though I haven't done statistical research, I'd be willing to estimate that half the male population represents about a quarter of all the people in the world.
I'm currently training to write the world's fastest run-on sentence. And to speed up the pace of it, I'm going to replace all the restful commas with quick dashes, I just hope the average reader's eyes aren't as bad as the average person's knees, or they'll be pretty sore in the morning.
I sure wish deodorant tasted like butter, because then I could keep mashed potatoes warm and tasty in my armpits all day long.
My ex girlfriend's mind was as sharp as an axe handle.
-Jarod Kintz
It didn't surprise me that the kids grew like weeds, since I tried burying them in the garden all those years ago.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to date one of the world's strongest women. I went over to her house after our first date, and she told me to wait while she slipped into something a little more comfortable. She came out scantily clad, wearing only a leather La-Z-Boy sofa on her back. I damn near got a hernia undressing her.
-Jarod Kintz
A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor.
a smile is a Cyclops compared to a simile, which is similar, but has two "i"s.
Her gums were as red as the Golden Gate bridge, and they bridged a gap in her teeth that was nearly as wide as San Francisco bay.
When Marissa laid down, her pregnant belly looked like the Bell curve, and I knew her son was to be found somewhere in the middle.
After a long night of absinthe binge drinking, The Mythical Mr. Boo's brown eyes were so bloodshot that they looked like rusty armor, and they appeared just as heavy, because they only moved when his whole body moved.
I think the reason God didn't put eyes in the back of my head was because he knew if he did that, I'd probably spend all day in the mirror, looking at my own sweet ass.
Men and women view time differently. Men seem to be more punctual with minutes and hours, but have a great difficulty remembering dates such as anniversaries. Women are just the opposite. They will never forget an anniversary, but they never seem to be on time.
If questions were fingers and toes, The Mythical Mr. Boo wouldn't be able to play "twenty questions." Nope, he'd only be able to play eighteen questions.
-Jarod Kintz
I tried cheating on the Mensa test by sneaking it into the Womensa bathroom and filling it out. But apparently everything is an intelligence test to those people, as I found out when I got locked in the stall. I mean, how was I to figure out that I needed to slide the metal bar to the right and then push on the door?
-Jarod Kintz
I tried cheating on the Mensa test by sneaking it into the Womensa bathroom and filling it out. But apparently everything is an intelligence test to those people, as I found out when I got locked in the stall. I mean, how was I supposed to figure out that I needed to slide the little metal bar to the right and then push on the door?
-Jarod Kintz
My IQ is like a beautiful spring day--in the mid 80s.
--Jarod Kintz
Maybe I'll find out if God is a comedian in the Lafter ife.
If jokes were punches that popped with laughter, then The Mythical Mr. Boo's knuckles would chuckle with your chin.
When shocked by police lights, The Mythical Mr. Boo has eyes like a new Word Document, as they start blinking in the brightness like the black curser flashing on the whiteness of the screen.
The Mythical Mr. Boo's hair is as dark and short as a hundred thousand Pygmies posing rigidly on his scalp.
-Jarod Kintz
I enjoy food for thought, but sometimes I think so much that I throw up. That's why my thinking cap is a bucket, so I can just take it off and vomit in it.
I enjoy food for thought, but sometimes I think so much that I throw up. That’s why Mother doesn’t let me think over her new carpet anymore.
It's taken me nearly ten years to get a four year degree. And something that remarkable only happens when discipline meets focus, and I am clearly the master of those two things.
-Jarod Kintz
Even though I’m more of a sprinter, I used to date a marathon runner, although I broke up with her because she was too distant.
She had a body like an abode, and breasts like two pillows, and that’s why I called it home.
She had an ass like two astronaut’s helmets, and a chest like a map of the cosmos.
The party got so crazy that I had to change into my cosmonaut costume, just to comet down.
--I have an orange condom that looks like a carrot, so why don’t you make like a rabbit and hop on my dick?
--This woman’s a grown rabbit, and she doesn’t like baby carrots.
I could tell he had the hardened look of a warrior even before I read the inscription below the bronze statue.
In my next short story, the sky will be as blue as the narrator will be colorblind. Also, the narrator will have fleas.
I want to write a story with the most unreliable narrator in the history of literature. In fact, my narrator will be so unreliable, I’m not even sure that he’ll show up to narrate the story.
If I was the king of mice, I wouldn’t sit upon a thrown of cheese, but rather one made of mouse traps, just to let everyone know why I am their king.
I knew my house was infested with royal rats when cheese alone wasn’t enough to tempt them into the mouse traps. No, they only went after the cheese when I also laid out a vintage bottle of wine.
At the time my uncle didn’t seem show it, but I could tell he wasn’t too happy that I chopped off his arms. But later, he wouldn’t even accept my hand when I offered it to him.
-Jarod Kintz
My grandma used to always say, “The secret to life is being able to take bigger and bigger steps, while people all around you are taking the elevator.” And she’d say this as she would glare at my grandpa. But it’s not his fault that he’s in a wheelchair, she’s the one who ran him over.
-Jarod Kintz
I once knew a raving homosexual. he was so crazy and so gay, that even a strait jacket couldn't help him out.
I once knew a man who used to talk to himself for hours. Of course he immediately stopped talking to himself once my cell phone got cut off.
If they made cars that looked like giant cell phones, I'd get twice as angry if I got cut off. I'd also probably get pulled over a lot for speed dialing.
Every time I come over, my girlfriend's dog sniffs my crotch like I've got a long stemmed rose in my pants. And the butt of this joke actually lies behind the zipper, which is closed to me at this time.
The shortys always be asking the gangsta zipper, "Hey, boo, why you so fly?"
-Jarod Kintz
I think I'm a dyslexic psychic, because I can see with startling accuracy everything that's already happened in my life.
Before I met Winston, I was at a point in my life where I was in total darkness. But he came and brought me a nightlight, and for that I am eternally grateful.
There was a language barrier between us. I think it's called Yugoslavia.
If I had four children, and I'd named them after all four seasons, I'd take each one on vacation and talk about how wonderful the other three were.
If I was a stapler, a staple would be a staple of my diet. And I'd date two beautiful, young, wrinkle-free pieces of paper, and my staple vomit would be the thing that bonds them together.
I had this really old Grandfather clock once. And although it was retired, and hadn't worked in almost twenty years, it still knew when it was its time to go.
My grandfather was like my grandfather clock, although he didn't work at all. but he did always let me know when it was time to go, although I was never able to catch him before he'd go in his pants.
In my opinion, the perfect business model is always wearing lingerie.
-Jarod Kintz
Yes, I am also a little disappointed that Time's person of the year was You. I mean I think you are great, but why not me? I think I have just as much right as you to being the person of the year. But I am not deterred. On the splattered guts of my goat father, I vow that I will try my hardest to see that the person of 2007 is Me. And to prepare, I'm already growing out my Fu Manchu mustache to grace the cover of Time magazine to glorify and immortalize my facial hair for all of eternity.
-Jarod Kintz
In the midst of the argument, he shouted, "After I kick your ass, I'm going to serve your head on a plate." My face contorted in confusion before responding, "I'd think twice about doing that, if I were you." His brow furrowed as he seethed, "Oh yeah? And why's that?" "Well," I said, "because there will be hair in the food."
-Jarod Kintz
My father's ego was surpassed only by his genius and the length of his forehead.
The slaughtering of the sea cows will commence shortly, and neither Jarod Kintz, nor Captain Spandex, can stop us.
-Jarod Kintz
I have a hole in my hand that's just big enough to fit my penis into.
I would love to spit in your face, my dear, but your face is far too filthy and nasty for even the most mucus-filled saliva to splash across.
-Jarod Kintz
Has Anybody Seen Renaldo?
By Jarod Kintz
It was a beautiful day here at Jacksonville beach. The sky was as blue as I am colorblind. Hello, I’m the narrator, Mr. Fizzlebush, and I have fleas. I share an apartment with Renaldo, who has fingers that make sandpaper feel as soft as red velvet cake, although not as tasty to lick. But Renaldo has an ego that is surpassed only by the length of his forehead and the sparseness of his hair, so I never let him know that I hate it when he rubs my head. Sometimes I’ll catch Renaldo standing in front of his bathroom mirror chanting, “Mr. Fizzlebush has fur on his forehead. Why can’t I also have fur on my forehead?” And he’ll ask himself that question as he raises one eyebrow (he only has one, and he is rather proud of his unibrow).
Judging by the clock on the wall, it must have been out of batteries, which meant that I had to walk all the way to the kitchen to see that the microwave said it was 2:30 in the afternoon. Normally Renaldo doesn’t get up that early, but I saw him rustling around the dining room table a few minutes earlier. He was wearing a tie, which for a normal person would indicate a forthcoming job interview. However, the tie wasn’t around his neck, it was tied Rambo style across his forehead, as he was trying to make fierce faces into his bowl of Frosty Flakes, which were nothing more than normal corn flakes flecked inadvertently with dandruff as he shook is head menacingly and snarled at his spoon.
Unfortunately I didn’t stay around long to watch, because I had to use the little boy’s box. I must have been sitting in the sand for about fifteen minutes just reading the Wall Street Journal when I heard the front door slam open and shut. Not even having time to lick properly, I ran to see where Renaldo went. That was over four hours ago, and he still hasn’t been back yet. Well, I’m getting a little hungry, and I’d like to know where he is so I can know when I’m going to get to eat. So I guess I’ll just lie here, curled up like a pouting lip and wait for his return. But if you see him, tell him that my stomach is growling like a pack of wolves, and it’s frightening me. So he needs to hurry up and come home and give me my supper.
-Jarod Kintz
The waves crashed on the shore like an overused metaphor in a tropical storm of a short story.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has the eyes of an eagle. He plucked them out of its skull after he shot down the great bird.
Great conversationalists, like myself, often lead discussions by example. For instance, as a favorite dinner topic of mine, you might find me drooling as I lead discourse about Pavlov and his dog.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo Vs. The Old Buddhist
By Jarod Kintz
An old Buddhist once sat in on a lecture about management given by The Mythical Mr. Boo. After the lecture, the Buddhist started clapping with one hand.
“What is that sound?” asked The Mythical Mr. Boo.
“Something for you to meditate on,” replied the old Buddhist.
“No,” replied The Mythical Mr. Boo. “How one hand convinced the other hand to do all the work, now that’s something to meditate on.”
This House is NOT Empty
One day The Mythical Mr. Boo and Edmond went to look at the house The Mythical Mr. Boo he had just bought. It was just off the market and there was no furniture in it. As he pulled into the driveway, the Mythical Mr. Boo noticed his wife’s car parked there.
“This house is empty,” said The Mythical Mr. Boo. “There is not even one stick of furniture in it. I guess it’s time to figure out what this home really needs.”
“Everything you need is there with your wife,” Edmond said. “You do not need a sofa or a table, my friend. All you need is her.”
“I suppose you are right,” said The Mythical Mr. Boo as he nodded his head up and down. “Sometimes I forget that she is large enough to comfortably sit and eat on her back.”
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo has the patience of a dismantled clock, as the concept of time never seems to etch itself across his face.
From the look on its face, I could tell the clock was smashed. But the question was, who gave it alcohol?
(pic. of a train): You lookin' at me, but I'm lookin' at choo.
You lookin' at me, but I'm lookin' ah-choo. I guess I'm allergic to you.
7 hours past 7 days, and I'm still 11 midgets and 49 camels short of my goal.
At the end of the universe you might find a door with a "Do Not disturb" sign hanging from the handle. And behind that door is a thousand one-armed angels clapping to form the sound commonly known as thunder. Don't make the mistake of showing up wearing a full suit of armor, because you'll only make more work for them.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo is like concrete. He's very hard, and you don't want to get mixed up with him.
A blessing from The Mythical Mr. Boo: May your penis be like a flower, and your boxers like a swarm of bees.
A blessing from The Mythical Mr. Boo: May you be like the Tooth Fairy as you notice you are up to your knees in teeth. And may those teeth be attached to the jaws of a Great White shark.
-Jarod Kintz
One day the Mythical Mr. Boo and I we were walking down by the river, and he turned to me and said, "I'll bet the moment after you decide to jump off a bridge is the moment you reach enlightenment. Life would finally makes sense for you. The concrete-like water would impact your life spiritually just seconds before it impacts you mortally."
"Perhaps," I said as I continued chewing the bottom of my show, on the spot where minutes before I had stepped in fresh gum. "But would you still reach enlightenment if you jumped into the water because your back was on fire?"
The Mythical Mr. Boo shrugged his shoulders slightly as he slowly said," Don't we all run through life as if our backs are on fire?"
-Jarod Kintz
Always telling me the value of slant rhymes, my uncles
would rap me hard with their hairy knuckles.
The time for talking about the future has past, and that’s where it should stay.
-Jarod Kintz
I’m not a natural leader. In fact, I’ve been known to try to follow my own shadow. But it was dark, and it was able to elude me.
I wish I could trade places with my shadow for one day. And then trade places with another shadow, because I’d love to be able follow a beautiful woman around all day long and not have to deal with another restraining order.
-Jarod Kintz
Growing up, my father used to shuffle girlfriends around like they were cards in a deck, even though he already had a full house. he even dated twins once. I guess he had a thing for two pairs.
I always wear my life preserver to the weekly No Limit Texas Hold 'Em tournament, just so I never drown on the river, like Father did.
I was playing poker last week, and I got beat by the big blind. Man, he really knocked the hell out of me with that cane of his.
I used to have an earring on my tongue. At one point, it was even attached to the ear I bit off.
The Fountain of Youth
By Jarod Kintz
One day, while scouring a pawn shop, I found a map that claimed to lead to the Fountain of Youth. Well, after buying the map and trekking for days, I finally found it.
Once I got there, however, I saw that it was more of a spring than a fountain. No matter, all I cared about was checking the validity of the map.
So I pulled off my backpack and brought out my test items. First, I dipped a raisin int he water, and to my astonishment it emerged as a plump grape.
Ecstatic, I took off my old wrinkled shirt and rinsed it off. No sooner had I wrung it out that I noticed the shirt appeared freshly ironed, and it looked brand new--and amazingly, the tags from the store were miraculously on it.
Finally, as my last little experiment, I tossed the new Pet Shop Boys album in the water and waited for a second. Nothing happened. Ten minutes later, and still nothing had happened. Then it occurred to me that nothing, not even the Fountain of Youth, could bring back The Pet Shop Boys' career.
-Jarod Kintz
Renaldo's My girlfriend bought a push-up bra because she liked the idea of clothing giving her both support, and a work out. But then, that's the kind of silly thing you have to put up with when you date a fourteen year old.
Sometimes I like putting on my duck costume as I come quacking into the bedroom. And usually my girlfriend won't even look up as she says, "You're such a fowl man."
-Jarod Kintz
Renaldo's girlfriend bought a push-up bra because she liked the idea of clothing giving her both support, and a work out. But then, that's the kind of silly thing you have to put up with when you date a fourteen year old.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to write a book called "The Portrait of A Young Ron as an Artest." It’ll be the struggle of a poor Catholic African American who battles with his lust over basketballs, juxtaposed to his constant guilt over his sinful ways. Later in life, once he enters the NBA, he realizes that his aesthetic values are his true nature, and he allows himself to fall in love with a leather Spalding basketball.
Why is it that a zipper has teeth, not wings, yet it's called a fly, and not a jaw?
No matter how many chickens you eat, you'll never be able to sprout wings out of your anus and be able to fly away, which is a shame when you consider that the penis points in the opposite direction as the anus, so a sensible man would be wise to follow the contrary route.
A man who cheats on his wife and then cries "Honey" should be stung by a swarm of bees.
I remember at the last company picnic how Edmond seemingly had eyes like spider webs, as flies seemed to invest themselves by infesting both his eye sockets. Thinking back, I probably should have told him the reason they were there was because he had potato salad stuck on his eye brows, but at the time, swatting his face with the fly swatter just seemed like the more appropriate thing to do.
-Jarod Kintz
After he’d cry, he’d always have eyebrows like rainbows. Also, he was gay.
“Of course you can’t see,” replied the blindfold to the driver. “You’ve got to turn on your headlights first.”
-Jarod Kintz
The Great Storm of ‘99.
By Jarod Kintz
All the townsfolk remember the rainstorm of ‘99. How could they not? It rained for weeks, and the rain drops seemed to be the size of buckets. I know, because each drop would fill up an entire bucket.
Every house in the town had at least two holes in their roof, and most of the households only had two buckets to catch the water drops that leaked down during storms. Two buckets was all anybody ever needed, or so they thought. But nobody had seen a storm like the storm of ‘99 before.
And the townsfolk all laughed at me when, in the spring of ‘98, I opened up a shop selling a wide variety of buckets. Buckets, buckets, I sold nothing but buckets. Actually, I sold nothing. At least not until the almost Biblical storm of ‘99 came along.
Oh, how I smile when I remember how they all huddled in my store, just begging to buy my buckets. Why, after that storm, not only was I the wealthiest man in town, but I was also the most popular.
Shortly after the storm, I ran for office. I would say I won by a landslide, but that became a sensitive word after the storm. As the new mayor, I decreed that the town’s name be changed to Bucketville. Nobody objected.
But that was years ago, and I’ve since moved on to a new town. A town so poor that nobody even has a pot to piss in. Well, at least not until Tuesday, when my new store opens up. What am I going to sell? Why, pots, of course.
Pots, pots, all I’ll sell is pots. Yes, the townsfolk will probably laugh. They always do. But in a few years, I’ll be the one who’s laughing, especially when I pack up and move away from the newly named town of Potsville.
-Jarod Kintz
Nobody ever remembers the guy who gets second place, except for when that guy (Renaldo) stabs the winner with a number two pencil, as he did in the 2000 NCAA Spelling Bee.
I'd call it a late-night craving, a hunger. Her legs looked unbelievable good underneath that mini skirt. All I could think about was getting her home, ripping off all her clothes, and shoving her into the oven. Say, how'd a chicken ever get into this nightclub anyway?
-Jarod Kintz
Aliens might be as green as avocados, but I'll bet they don't taste as great as guacamole when you mash them up.
It was "The Harshest winter" on record, even though the album only came out on digital format.
I want to start a band called "The Scorpios." We'll be like "the scorpions," but not quite. instead of songs like "Rock you like a hurricane," we'll sing "rock you like a tropical depression." And while they might have jumped around on stage, we'll lay lethargically in La-Z-Boys as we croon to the crowd.
My girlfriend's battery died this morning, so she asked me to jump her car. And I nearly cleared it too, but my right foot got caught on the spoiler and I came crashing down on the roof.
It was only on those sunny summer days, and through the close inspection of my magnifying lens, that I came to discover that ALL ants are Fire Ants.
-Jarod Kintz
Yesterday I tried to make a withdrawal from the sperm bank, but apparently my funds had dried up.
-Jarod Kintz
Why is it that a zipper has teeth, not wings, yet it's called a fly, and not a chew?
-Jarod Kintz
I went to a mime-oholics meeting once, but nobody would open up and talk about anything.
Instead of making business cards that will fit inside a wallet, why not make a business card with slits in it big enough to hold a wallet? It's better if someone loses their wallet, rather than my business card anyway, right?
-Jarod Kintz
I threw my cell phone off the diving board and into the pool the other day. Talk about false advertising. It calls itself a flip phone, but it couldn’t do shit.
If I was an African dictator, I’d make my country’s flag nothing but vertical black and white stripes. That way, every time I’d impale a zebra on a pole, I could feel patriotic as its fur flaps in the wind.
I pray that archaeologists one day discover physical proof that the ancient Egyptians worshipped and venerated cats, by unearthing evidence of a furball that had been coughed up by a Pharaoh. Then I’ll have something to restart conversations with, after I myself hack up a hairball at my next party.
Scars
By Jarod Kintz
People always ask me, “Jarod, How’d you get those deep scars across your face and shoulder?”
“Good question,” I always reply. “Well, one day I was standing in line at Starbucks, talking to a buddy of mine. This must have been in ‘04. Anyway, I mentioned something to my friend about Ricky Gervais being a genius, when a voice behind me sarcastically asked, ‘Who’s that?’
“Well, me being slightly offended that I’d been interrupted by a stranger who’d been eavesdropping, I replied, ‘What’s the matter, asshole, have you been living in a cave or something?’
“And right as I turned around to look at him, that’s the moment that the powerful claws came down. Of course I don’t remember much after that because I immediately blacked out.”
-Jarod Kintz