I believe in miracles. Love is a miracle. So is surviving a shark attack only to be eaten by a bear a week later. Then having your wife pen a best selling book about it as she runs off with Dan Brown in the following weeks. -Jarod Kintz
I dated a psychologist once. She told me we were going to dinner at a fancy restuarant one night. When we got there they said I needed a jacket to sit at a table. Next thing I know I'm in a padded room and I can't move my arms. And this is what she meant by committed. -Jarod Kintz
The way a freshly painted bathroom wall feels around a toddler, that's intimidation. The way a bedsheet feels beneath a senile old man, that's intimidation. The way I feel being told I have to either clean up these two messes, or wear them, now that's true intimidation. -Jarod Kintz
I'd love to get inside a brillint person's head. Ride the waves of inspiration to the beaches of genius. I just can't figure out whether to drag my surfboard through the nostrils or the mouth. -Jarod Kintz
I think every guy views his pants as one giant napkin. That's why I find it so strange when I walk up to random guys and blow my nose on their pants that they look at me like I'm crazy and try to hit me. -Jarod kintz
Just last week I shot a man. Or was it the week before? I can't remember I shoot so many men. But this one was different. He wasn't begging for his life, he was begging for some change. And I hate that. A nickel here and a quarter there, at least I was merciful in giving him a swift death. But those pariahs slowly ebb the life from my body one bloody cent at a time. -Jarod Kintz
Interesting- by this do you mean that very intelligent people just have so much they are thinking about at a time that it is symbolic to "crap/ manure" Just curious... cause other than that, witty comic ;)
Very often I find myself spending an immense amount of time thinking about large piles of melted cheese. The important question to ask is, what kind of cheese? The answer is, of course, Gorgonzola cheese, sprinkled with Parmesan. -Jarod Kintz
Did somebody mention cheese? I love cheese. But I lust after you RoRoUrBoat, whoever you are. Meet me at the park after dark. Bring the cheese, and don't tell mother. ~Jarod Kintz
Just a question, Yes, my x-girlfriend was a real heifer. Although I never bought the milk, even though the cow was free. I also never liked chocolate milk, not since after the threesome with the candy bar. Yours, Jarod Kintz
Do you know the power of cheese? I like to eat it with a little pepper and thyme. I have the pepper, do you have the thyme? We're going to the park? I love to swing, so bring some friends.
Larry, The merry-go-round is fun, I mean, who doesn't love to ride the little horses. But have you ever spidered on a swing, how could you get any higher than that?
Yes as a matter of fact I have spidered on a swing, with the horse from the merry go round. I'll tell ya how to get higher though-all you need is a set of monkey bars and some bungee rope.
I also prefer men who are monkeys, they have the shwing, if ya know what I mean. But here in the city men are octopuses. All hands and spittin out shit when they shouldn't be.
Some people ride motorcycles, I ride horses. Some people carry gum, I carry a gun. Some people point with their fingers, I point with my six shooter. Some people. -Jarod Kintz
He was sprawled on the couch watching TV as she came out of the bedroom putting on her earrings. He barely even glanced up to notice her sexy black dress. “Did you get paid today?” she asked as she shoved her cell phone into her purse. “Yep,” he replied without altering his stare away from the TV. “So you’re taking me out to dinner tonight, right? How much money do you have?” She asked as she walked over to the sofa and sat on the edge. “I have more money than Jesus,” he said as he turned to look at her. The sun was setting, and she was squinting into the sun that shone in through the window. Her eyes were like the slits in blinds as she smiled and said, “So it’s fast food then?” He had turned back toward the TV when he responded, “Only if you get a water, babe.” She let out a wild laugh into the room. “I’ll get a water, if you’re gonna walk on it for me, oh son of the sofa God.” -Jarod KIntz
Jed and I were out celebrating tonight. Jed had just gotten a raise at the new parcel delivery center. We were going out to Lollipops, the local strip club. My girlfriend works there, so we were also going to surprise her too. As soon as I walked into the dimly lit room, and heard the lyrics to Making Love All In Your Mouth, I could feel my hear rate jump up like an excited flea on a wet dog. Jed led the way, and as soon as he rounded the corner, past the bouncer, he turned back around and faced me. “Maybe we could go to Hooters tonight instead. I’m kind of hungry.” Seeing Jed as rigid as a wall made me tense up a little bit. “We’ll get a hamburger here,” I say as I slant my eyes and push forward. “Jarod!” Jed hollers. I turn around and walk back over to him. “What’s going on here Jed?” He snorts a little laugh. “I forgot something in the car. You want to walk back with me to get it?” I toss him the keys and turn back around. I don’t get farther than two steps than I feel my shirt being pulled from behind. I whip around and square my face with Jed’s. “Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind tonight,” I furiously demand. “I just want to have a good time tonight, that’s all. And I know how you get.” I shake my head. “How I get when what?” Jed lowers his head and rubs his temples with his big burly fingers. “I’m afraid that tonight you’ll think your girlfriend is like a football.” I toss my head back and laugh. “A football. How would that upset me, I get two of man’s greatest gifts in one package.” “I meant that everyone will have their hands on her, end you will just want to kick her. You get a little testy over her, especially when you’ve had a few beers in you.” He says as he places his hand on my shoulder. “Jed, I appreciate your concern, I really do,” I say as I put my arm around his shoulder. “Tonight is all about you, my friend. I promise I will not do anything to put you in an awkward position.”
In this dialogue we get the sense that Jarod has put Jed in an awkward position on previous occasions. We also get the sense that Jarod is a loose cannon. And seeing that he is dating a stripper, and shows up at her place of work, we sense that he kind of likes getting all riled up and brawling. -Jarod Kintz
Pregnant Samantha has a breast on her knee. Everytime she walks she lactates on the floor. I almost slipped on the floor after walking behind her. -Jarod Kintz
Mormon's have more balance in their lives. Let's say a bachelor is like a unicycle--hardly any balance. A married couple is a bicycle--more balance than the bachelor unicycle, but then there is the swinging Mormon tricycle with the most balance out of all of them. I'm not Mormon, nor do i own a trycycle, but there is a reason little children start out with a tricycle and not a unicycle. The tricycle is God-like too. Three wheels, the Holy Trinity, there is something to all this. -Jarod Kintz
To see the true beauty of people, you have to look beneath the skin. But be careful as you peel their skin back, you don't want to damage their organs. -Jarod Kintz
All my friends seem to have the same dead end, clown-like characteristics. There's the curly red hair, the big red shoes, and that alcoholic, inflamed, red nose they all seem to posess too. -Jarod Kintz
In any journey, half the people never make it past the middle. If you are one of those people, it's always best to start in the middle. Zeno was one of those people. -Jarod Kintz
In your absence I voted you king until you return, then the throne goes to the next absent person until they return, and so on and so forth. -Jarod Kintz
If we admire what we do not understand, should most of us not admire ourselves? Most with the possible except of Frederick Nietzsche, who both understood himself and was his biggest admirer. -Jarod Kintz
Never committ adultery with your secretary. You never know when an important client might find the line busy because you're on the speaker phone while your partners listen in. Oh, and your wife might not like it either. -Jarod Kintz
The idea of adultery is like a soccer ball. Yeah, you migt kick it around for a while, but if you actually wind up scoring, you get slapped with a huge penalty. -Jarod Kintz
Another funny Halloween costume for two people is one person go as George washington Carver, and another go as a normal person broken out in hives because he/she is allergic to peanut buter. Have them fighting the whole night. -Jarod Kintz
A greedy man would eat his own stomach to try to quench his endless hunger, and a savvy businessman would sell him a bottle of wine to accompany his meal. -Jarod Kintz
My family's so corrupt, I sold my brother into slavery and my father swindled me on the deal. He paid me in the child support he had just stolen from my mother. -Jarod Kintz
I just put a mirror over my bed to enhance my sex life. Now I just have to talk my room mate into letting my have the top bunk so I can put it to use. -Jarod Kintz
A lot of people like to role play to ehance their sex life. I know I do. Although sometimes I think it might be easier to find a female partner, rather than always doing both characters. -Jarod Kintz
My neighbors used to be Bob and Martha Jones. I have no idea who my new asshole neighbors are, but I wish they'd keep up with the Jones' who must be half way to Calcutta by now. -Jarod Kintz
My friends are Johnny walker and Jack daniels. You know you drink too much when those guys are telling you you drink too much. An empty bottle echoes all your fears. -Jarod Kintz
I think they should merge Time magazine with Travel magazine to form TimeTravel magazine. Then people can have the option to get back issues, the current issue, or read up on future events. And every issue should come with futuristic powder ice-cream, ice not included. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wish I were in a homosexual relationship. Like yesterday, for example. My girlfriend and I got into a huge fight and my adrenaline was pumping hard with no outlet for release. I couldn't hit her. This is not the case in a gay relationship. Nobody's going to give you a dirty look if you walk into a bar and say, "Yeah, my boyfriend and I just got into a fight and I beat the shit out of him." Well, that depends on the kind of bar it is, I might get the shit beat out of me for saying that. -Jarod Kintz
I think we should dig up George Washington and put his corpse on new currency, because we are just a skeleton of the country he invisioned. -Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz loves walking on the beach naked, dragging his dragon penis on the soft sand behind him as his midget servents throw rose petals at his buttocks. -Jarod Kintz
I think a lot. Mostly, I think about thinking, and I think, "Hey, how can I be doing something at the same time I'm thinking about how to do it, and what it means?" This gets me thinking some more. Is it really thinking to think about thinking, or do i just think it is? And do I really think it is, or am I just thinking I think it is? These, and other thoughts about thoughts I think about when I'm thinking about thinking. If you're reading this, you're thinking about what I'm thinking about, or are you even thinking? Do you just think you're thinking that I'm thinking about thinking? Or are you letting me do all the thinking? Or just letting me think I'm doing all the thinking. -Jarod Kintz
I learned a lot in public schools. You can't put a price tag on a free education where each student gets the individual attention, and enlightened banter, with a fellow classmate in the courtyard during chemistry class. -Jarod Kintz
I cry when I lose friends. But then I laugh when I find them, especailly when they're in my underwear drawer--because I don't wear, or have any underwear. -Jarod Kintz
It was strange. It was a blue sunny day, and I heard a cloud coming from well beyond the horizon. Yet I failed to hear the car speedily sneak up from behind me. -Jarod Kintz
Life, love and relationships are fickle sometimes. I know how it goes when you just up and lose the feeling for another person. If I were Mormon, and my two legs were my wives, I'd hate to lose my feelings for them. But then I'd do the impossible: I'd fall in love with my wheelchair. -Jarod Kintz
My balls are the size of inflamed nostrils, and my shriveled penis is the size of a normal nose, except it smells a whole lot better. Who needs a dog? I love sniffing my own crotch. -Jarod Kintz
Hi, my name is Jarod, and I am a bastard now. it seems that one of your chicken sandwiches brutally murdered my father by stabbing him twelve times in the throat with my number two pencil, and then duped the police into believing that I had something to do with his death. I will not be made a scapegoat by your sandwiches. Everyone is right in what they say about you. You do have killer chicken sandwiches. My lawyer will be in contact with your fries to gather some statements. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Is a man with two penis' twice the lover? A man made for threesomes? Or is he only half the lover because his ebergy is split between two sources? -Jarod Kintz
If you cry a lot over your ex girlfriend, not because she's gone, but because you never pulled out your favorite pair of scissors from her throat, does that make you a selfish person? -Jarod Kintz
The NBA season is getting exciting now with the playoffs and all, but as I watch the games I can't help but notice that it's not very diverse on the court. There's only one major group of people that's represented on the court. You all know who I am talking about. Those cocky bastards, that think society owes them everything. That's right, I'm talking about tall people. Where are all the midgets at? Do midgets not play basketball? I have conclusive prrof that not only do they play, but they also look graceful while doing it. The NBA needs to stop hating, and heighten the game, by shortening the average player size. -Jarod Kintz
The NBA season is getting exciting now with the playoffs and all, but as I watch the games I can't help but notice that it's not very diverse on the court. There's only one major group of people that's represented out there. You all know who I am talking about. Those cocky bastards, the ones that think society owes them everything. That's right, I'm talking about tall people. Where are all the midgets at? Do midgets not play basketball? I have conclusive proof that not only do they play, but they also look graceful while doing it. The NBA needs to stop hating, and heighten the game, by shortening the average player size. -Jarod Kintz
Being a clown is hard work. Laughter is expensive, and comes with great risk. Clowns try to make people laugh. Yet people are afraid of clowns. Does this mean people are afraid of laughter? Not to mention clown supplies are insane. I feel like the balloon industry is inflated.-Ghost Town Clown -Jarod Kintz
It's better to follow a crowd than to lead a crowd. Rather than be the first lemming off the cliff, I'd much more prefer to be the last one pondering the merits of the jump.
The masses of people are like a slug, inching along through life. If I can see the crowd slowly moving towards the left, where there is salt, I sprint towards the pepper on the right.
I'm one of the most loyal followers I have ever had the privilege of leading.
There was once a circus citrus tree, who juggled oranges. One winter, during a depression, when he wasn't making any money juggling fruit, he decided to spruce up his show and juggle torches instead. But his limbs weren't limber and green, they were stiff and brown, and he never caught the rhythm to begin with. Well, he burned to death and right in front of his wife and kids too. But the sad part was that the farmer, who was very jealous of his juggling tree, just sat there, on his unicycle, and watched his friend burn to death while laughing and gurgling water out of the hose. Then the farmer made the wife tree get on her knees and beg for her life to be spared. When she protested saying that she had no knees, and even if she did have them she wouldn't humble herself to a man like him, he hacked her to pieces with an axe. The point of the story is, you may be the most talented tree in the grove, but talent often invokes jealousy, even among those you consider friends. And jealousy may have repercussions that very well might trickle down through the generations like vodka in the soil. (The little orange tree son took to drinking vodka instead of water after that horrific night. And his boozing alienated his friends to the point that nobody would even give him a ride to A.A. meetings, and he certainly couldn't walk there. He died of alcohol poisoning after one too many screwdrivers.)
I have a lot more will power than you might think. I can, with relative ease, ward off the temptation not to smoke, not to drink, and not to gamble.
My friend at the 7-11 says he was recently held up at work by gun point. So what? I get held up at work all the time by something infinitely more frightening: paperwork.
Women are magicians. They have a way of making your money disappear right out of your wallet when you don't even know it. It's all about distraction. One minute your eyes are focused on their boobies, the next thing you know your wallet is empty and your house is in their name. -Jarod Kintz
A dollar is only powerful when you have one, not when you think you have one. Not so with ghosts. They are just as powerful, if not more so, when a person thinks there is one. I think that a dozen ghost, real or otherwise, are more powerful than an army of men. If you can create the perception of ghosts, in several manifestations, e.g., literal, memories, or evidence, you can control the masses.
Life is a series of continuum circles (life and death, black and white, sweet and sour), so that man can't cut corners?(There are no corners on a circle) And if nature can't cut corners, what makes man think not only that he can, but he should? Or is life full of cycles and circles precisely because nature has already cut all the corners? I don't know, but if you're going to cheat and cut corners in life, you might as well try to do it at the absolute very end. I know I'll try. I'll be 90 years old, in my wheel chair and covered in shrubbery and leaves, hiding from the reaper. -Jarod Kintz
I like living in a shoe, except for the fact that paople are always stepping on me. But I like constantly being on the go, even when I'm just trying to watch TV. -Jarod Kintz
Life is a symphony and God is the writer/conductor. Certain men are able to pick out various nots and chords, as they strains their feeble ears. They think life is chaotic and random, but they don't realize that every note has a place that only God understands or can hear. But don't dismay, although you can't hear and understand the whole score, each note is as necessary as the next. While all notes are great, not all notes are equal in the scheme of life.
There are too many Emperors in the closet, and no room for clothes.
No matter what you do, your lives will follow you your whole lifetime. Even if you kill yourself, your life followed you the whole course of your lifetime. So the only thing to do is have fun with it. -Jarod Kintz
There once were two boots. One was a rational boot, and the other was a biased boot. well, the biased boot got a hole faster than the rational boot, and I think the reason was because he was slanted. Thus, he wore down faster in that one particular area due to an uneven distribution of weight. I feel the only time it's ok to be slanted is when you are on a ski slope. -Jarod Kintz
I can see you are a fine judge of character, my friend. If I had my own game show, I'd make you a contestant and I'd hotwire the show so you could win any domestic car made between the years of '86 and '88. And I'd even give you the keys too! I wouldn't even let my wife drive a beaut like an '87. Americans make the best automobiles anywhere in the world Suth of Canada and North of Mexico. And that's for damn sure. -Jarod Kintz
I find that markets come in cycles, and that’s exactly why it’s so hard to corner the market.
An alcoholic law student wouldn’t just pass the bar, he’d pass out in the bar.
My memory is so bad I often forget things even before I’ve learned them.
I believe I lost faith in my belief of not having faith. But I have no empirical evidence to support this claim, so I’d recommend you not believing it.
If I were missing my right arm, I’d give my left arm just to get it back.
My memory is like a ten-gallon fish tank. And all the things I’ve ever heard in my life are like a hundred pound goldfish. Fortunately, my ears act like a drainage system, and I can filter the huge fish into the pond I refer to as, “Bitch, you never told me that before.”
A man who sticks his dick into the bumper of my car without my permission is a sex-a-fender. -Jarod Kintz
Muhummad Ali said he was the greatest. History has said Alexander was Great. One had an great empire and a great IQ, while the other had neither. Muhummad Ali had an empire that was 1/80th of his IQ. But its hard to run an empire of none, aside from himself, even when you have an IQ that reaches as high as 80. -Jarod Kintz
A man who lives in a fishtank doesn't have much room to breathe, nor does he care about land conservation or mandatory sausage factory inspections.
If a politician were an artist, and his campaign policies were his canvases, he would be painting beautiful sunrise ocean scenes with his words, but upon closer inspection you'd find his paints were not oil based, but were in fact fecal based.
The mind is the Tupperware of thought. It keeps your ideas fresh for reuse, as well as for sharing with your friends. -Jarod Kintz
Random guy: I guess this group is about random thoughts? So, let me start with one! Can a cell phone and a set of keys resemble an enormous penis if these items were placed in the right front pocket of a man playing the guitar on stage with the lighting placing a blue and red hue on the supposedly suspected site in question?
Me: In life, we all see what we want to see. So if someone saw your "penis" on stage, then s/he was probably wanting to see your penis.
My fake profile: Yes, we all want to se your penis. I mean not me, because I'm not gay, but I'm sure all the ladies here want to see your keys and phone, wink wink. -Jarod Kintz
End of the year? I guess that gives me enough time to get my body looking like that again. I tell you, it's hard having a sexy body like that. The constant need to rip my shirt off at strange times and in strange places. Most notably, my grandmother's closet when she's passed out from too much booze. But the ladies love it when I wear grandmother's clothes. Those ladies at the retirement home are always so supportive, and generous with their dollar bills. -Jarod Kintz
I sleep like a mountain, but my girlfriend sleeps like a volcano. I don't mind though, as long as she lets me visit her paradise valley whenever I want to.
Viagra: Party naked. Party hard.
Peeping Tim: I'm Tom's brother.
Self-help junky: Life is like a buffet--you need to help yourself at least twice before you can help others. I'll be the first to admit I'm selfish. It's all about me. My time, my needs, my addiction. I am a true junky. I may not have track marks on my veins, but I have paper cuts on my finger tips. I steal quarters and dimes from loved ones. .65 cents here, .35 cents there. And for what? So I can buy the latest self-help books? I'm truly sick. There must be a self-help book that helps self-help junkies like myself. if not, I need to write one. I'll call it, "Self-help yourself overcome your self-help addiction." Or maybe, "Don't self-help yourself so much that you end up emotionally throwing up all ove the people you love."
If your foot stinks, pull it out of my ass, after you pull it out of your mouth, of course.
obsessive compulsive guy: who moved my space?
Danny the Janitor: There's not enough broom here for the both of us. Somebody took a dump in the sink again.
They should make socks with bristles for people like you. That way, with as much time as you spend with your foot in your mouth, you'd never have to brush your teeth with a toothbrush again. Of course, having your stinky foot in your mouth all the time, is sort of a good thing. At least your breath doesn't smell as bad this way.
Men's bathroom attendant: I sneak peeks at you while you pee. My advice in life is this: never wear white dress shoes in case you dribble a little urine on them after you shake. also, don't shake it like a maniac; I have to clean off the walls where you splatter. and no, urinal cakes are not edible. -Jarod Kintz
Men's Bathroom Attendant: Bodily functions really fascinate me. I love it when somebody takes a dump on the floor, or leaves a floater in the water for me to enjoy. I have a game I play: Name that feces, where I try to pick out what the guy ate over the last eight hours. Of course I can't be sure until I get the poop home with me and actually break it apart and study it further. -Jarod Kintz
Starving Artist: I'm glad my canvases aren't made of cheese, because i get so hungry I might eat my masterpieces. I feel a bit snobish about art. I think culinary artists are not true artists because they have never been starving. I could never be a culinary artist, no matter how hungry I might get, simply because I could not stand the thought of my work turning to shit. Speaking of which, my personal life is like a steaming pile of feces on my new bedspread (thank you mother!). If females were furniture, all the women in my life would be naked. Right now it's just me, my mother, and an unvarnished chair and bed in our apartment. Who I'd like to meet: I'd like to dress up in a soup can costume and meet Andy Warhol. Then, on a chilly night, I'd like to meet Cristo when I'm naked and let him wrap me. Interests: Obviously art. But I love sleepovers. Anything to get away from mother. Not only does she snore, but she steals the covers too! -Jarod Kintz
Mad Scientist: If science were a symphony, I'd be the conductor, and I'd be pantsless. But I'd always have a grip on my unit of measurement. Science and religion are two seperate things, but, like my hand and my panis, they come together too many times in one day that both start to rub me raw. Well, since milk helps me think, I'd like to meet a cow who had ladders for legs. That way I could make the world's tallest glass of milk, and come up with the world's longest (and hopefully best) formula.
I once laughed so hard milk came ripping out of my nose. That was the last time I snorted powdered milk.
I make my own music in a bathtub I designed like an ampitheatre. I can make music come out of both ends of my body, and have each of them on a seperate octave.
I make my own movies, in my bed that I set-designed to look like my neighbors porch. I often sleep naked, and my alarm clock is usually the sound of my neighbor's screaming wife. The look on her face every morning is priceless on film.
I once wanted to know which traveled faster, sound or light? It turned out that when I threw the TV out of my thirteenth floor office, both the sound, and the RGB light from the TV hit the ground at exactly the same instant.
I'm currently devising a course on speed reading. The course comes with a radar gun that you can clock yourself with.
A common trait of a hero is the person worshiping them has never actually seen them. With this logic in mind, I'd have to conclude that my hero is my father's pants. I also hope that one day my son comes to emulate my elusive pants in the same way that I did with my dad's. -Jarod Kintz
I'm currently devising a course on speed reading. The course comes with a radar gun, a book to test your speed, and a brick to hold the gas pedal down while you are reading. -Jarod Kintz
I'm currently devising a course on speed reading. The course comes with a radar gun, a book to test yourself on, and a brick to hold the gas pedal down while you are reading. -Jarod Kintz
I'm currently devising a course on speed reading. The course comes with a radar gun, a book to test yourself on, and a brick to hold the gas pedal down while you are reading. Try not to get pulled over though. -Jarod Kintz
Thanks, Social Ghost. I'm glad we're friends now. So if we ever hang out, seeing as you are a social ghost, nobody will see me talking to you. They'll just think that I am talking to myself, which works out perfectly since I'm the madman anyway. ~The Madman -Jarod Kintz
Struggling Author: You and I should date. You should start my novel for me, get the flow going, and then I'll take over from there. You can be the KY jelly for my writing. You know, get the story all lubed up so I can just squeeze right in nice and easy. -Jarod Kintz
Lex, the Eccentric: I save my toe nail clippings in shoe boxes. Then, when I collect enough clippings, I press and glue them all together to form a canvas of sorts, which then fills me with a sense pride as I begin painting my toenails. -Jarod Kintz
Lex, the Eccentric: "The growth and decay of art": I save my toe nail clippings in shoe boxes. Then, when I collect enough clippings, I press and glue them all together to form a canvas of sorts, which then fills me with a sense pride as I begin painting my toenails. -Jarod Kintz
Rich, the Musician: Lex, I also save my toenail clippings. And I inherited all of my grandparents clippings, as well as their toes, too(long since decayed). I keep them in large Tupperware containers. I'll donate them to you so you can continue your painting. -Jarod Kintz
Uncle Samantha: I've got your KY jelly swetheart. I use it as lipgloss, and I promise I know how to lube you up better than you've ever had. As a writer, a man of words, you must be a mouthful ;) -Jarod Kintz
I'm currently devising a course on Braille speed reading. But I recommend having speed bumps built into the reading material, so you don't read too fast. That's why I tell students to wear ribbed condoms before their bedtime Braille reading sessions. You see, the secret to getting the most out of your reading is the rapid repetitive movements of the wrist.
I don't know what it is about beautiful music that always makes my legs go numb. I think it's because I like the grunting sounds that obese women make as the sit on my legs.
I don't know what it is about beautiful music, but every time I hear any, I freeze; and it almost literally paralyzes me. I think it's because I like the orchestra of engines and screeching tires that rush hour traffic brings.
I think the magic was gone in our relationship once I figured out that that wasn't a magic wand she was always pointing at me, but was actually her bony index finger. And also, that mysterious black cat that slept and hissed on her head wasn't a cat at all. It was really her toupee. -Jarod Kintz
I wasn't as afraid of the funny hat, as I was of the man standing directly under it. Men in funny hats can not be trusted, especially when you are talking about a business deal involving a half a ton of frozen toe nail clippings and six troughs filled with urine and cheeze wiz. But that's just my opinion. I could be as wrong as I was on the midget meltdown fiasco of '97. -Jarod Kintz
The robots who mold my cheese informed me that the revoluton will first be whispered on the breath of the weepiong willows. Look for the sign in the sky. A cloud shaped like Richard Wagner will play a symphony, and then, and only then, will we know it is time to stand up and take over the cheese factory. -Jarod Kintz
Yes, he is the father, and I am the son. Through the father who begets the son who inherets the father's other son through another mother, that's the way it has been now, since the beginning, and forever.
Nobody takes the time to make room for toe nails and troughs in their lives anymore. Topical oils and cremes can only get you so far in this world. -Jarod Kintz
If courage were fingers, I'd be a white glove stained crimson with blood.
My ex girlfriend had long, graceful fingers like a pianist, and long, shapely legs like a runner. And she had some other body parts too, but I only really remember one.
In a girl, I'd never trade too small qualities for one large quantity. Although, fat chicks are usually the funniest.
If I lived in the middle ages, and I was a ship builder, I would argue against making boats out of wood, because trees are also made out of wood. And trees are notorious for not moving very fast, if indeed they move at all. Instead, I would make my boats out of deer. And they'd be graceful and swift and look great mounted on my wall.
I was with my girl at the checkout line at the super market when the cashier asked me, "Paper or plastic?" I thought for a second before looking up and replying, "Both. and let me get a pack of condoms too while I'm thinking about it."
The odds of meeting someone even slightly odd is dead even with the odds of meeting someone slightly normal. and if you're not odd, you're normal, or even. But if your partner is odd, then no matter what you do, together you two will be odd, because an even plus an odd is an odd. And, of course, this statement isn't odd, at least to a person who's completely odd. -Jarod Kintz
As a band, we've decided to play music specifically for deaf people, so there is no need for sound proofing the garage. And to save money, we've decided to use all air equipment: guitars, drums, even the synthesizer will be an air instrument. And we've also opted for spandex pants to give us that much needed stage presence. Air spandex of course. We feel the deaf crowd will really see it in our genitals when we hit some of our air notes. Plus, we do a lot of flopping around on stage, so they should enjoy that.
On a side note, Darren, the lead Bassist, has been missing since after breakfast. Edna, his mother, noticed he was gone when she saw he had vomited his breakfast up in his shoes. Darren, just like the rest of the band, knows that a stomach full of air is better than a stomach full of vomit. But until he returns, we are one man short(actually two men short if you cound Bernardo, who has no legs).
So I'm looking for a replacement for the gig tonight. We're going to rock a retirement home! Send an air email if interested. -Jarod Kintz
I want a girl who can gargle flaming torches while belching the Canadian national anthem and Chugging Sam Adams beer. And do all of this while riding a bull that's riding a unicycle that's balanced on a clothes line full of wet newspapers with articles about how Canada just took over the world. -Jarod Kintz
People think she left me for a used car salesman, but she didn't. She left me for a used car. But in her defense, it did have really low mileage. -Jarod Kintz
With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers that is.
Everywhere I go I'm too focused on everyone else to realize that they are too focused on themselves. And by everyone else I basically mean myself. It's hard to think about someone else when that someone else reminds you of you. -Jarod Kintz
I have never loved a woman so deeply as the moment I watched her slip out of my life and into the canyon below. But I did get some great parting pictures. -Jarod Kintz
I have never loved a woman so deeply as the moment I watched her slip out of my life and into the canyon below. But at least I did manage to get some great parting pictures. -Jarod Kintz
I'd like to disassemble lots of assembly lines, and then reassemble them on larger assembly lines.
I'd like to disassemble an assembly of people, and then reasseble them in a box that was bound for India.
If I could disassemble people, and then write the instruction manual for reassembling them, I'd write it in German. That way, when people went to those free internet translation sites to translate my instructions, their final product would be all jumbled up. They'd have arms where the legs were supposed to be, the nose would be on the forehead, and the liver would be a bottle of whiskey.
I wish I could disassemble people. Then I would reassemble them using the person's own hand. That way the person felt like he had a hand in his own destiny.
My uncle just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey. -Jarod Kintz
In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers that could flick long-range boogers. -Jarod Kintz
Hi, I'm Jarod, and I like to paint still lifes while running on my hands (I have fingers for toes).
I also love potato chips and I have a phobia of another potato famine happening.
If sanity were hair, I'd be bald most days. But I'd proudly wear my wig of normality. It'd be a mullet wig that was bright yellow, and reeked of dog piss from a dog that I'd have eaten weeks ago.
It goes without saying I guess that I love Chinese food.
Some famous bard once asked, What's in a name? That which we call a Rose by any other name would be someone else entirely. And they would probably wonder why I am writing to them and calling them Rose.
As a young lad in the neighborhood, we used to play kick ball. I was always a team captain. But for my picks, I always picked flowers. Mostly Daisys. There were six Daisys that lived in the neighborhood (all sisters). But if you lived in the neighborhood I would surely have picked you, because after a hard game those Daisys didn't smell as good as a Rose would have smelled. The last I heard the Daisys opened up a floral shop called, "Stinky Flowers."
Sometimes I wish that you had Multiple Personality Disorder, with eleven other personalities, because how great would it be to say, "Hey, I'm friends with a dozen Roses." (I haven't talked to flowers in years. Not since that one camping trip where my father left me in Yellowstone National Park).
Well, it was great chatting with you. I'm going to do a little gardening now.(Atually, I'm going to dig up my neighbor' garden, along with their house and relocate it to New Jersey, which apparently is the Garden State).
Nearly all of the men I admire are dead, because admiration is fueled by mystery. And what's more mysterious than death? Nothing. Well, besides women, of course. -Jarod Kintz
If anger were money, only a fool would greedily save it up. And a wise man would let it slip out of his heart like change slips out of his pants pockets. -Jarod Kintz
Upon seeing me eat a steak, a vegerarian once commented that the sight made her throw up a little in her mouth. I told her not to swallow her vomit, but to spit a little out and let me spread it all over my steak since I was out of steak sauce. She did, and it was good. -Jarod Kintz
Only a fool would trade his cow for a large jar filled with grass blades and a tall glass of milk. But an even bigger fool would eat all the grass and drink all of the milk in one sitting. I was once that glutonous fool.
I want to design sleeveless jackets for armless men. I'm still trying to work out how they would zip it up though. -Jarod Kintz
The greatest joy in the world is to give the gift of laughter at any cost, even death by way of sawing someone's arms off with a piece of paper from the IRS telling them that they owe $40,000 dollars in back taxes.
I would be a more spontaneous gift giver, if someone figured out how to give the gift of combustion. Every year I'd get a new boss, on bosses day, because every year I'd give the gift of spontaneous combustion. And I'll smoke his cigars while he enjoys his present!
My new hobby is collecting hobbies. Hey, don't judge me! At least I don't collect pictures of grandmothers pooping on Persian rugs! Or go around collecting mucus that I've picked from my nose with my toes. Your carpet is covered in boogers! My socks, once pure white, were green by the time I left your house.
A fat piece of fudge once told his cheesecake girlfriend, "I'll never desert you," to which she replied, "I don't think I can date you. You're too cheesy for even me." Then that fat piece of fudge retorted, "I'm lactose intolerant anyways, bitch."
I am quite possibly the world's bravest coward. I have never backed down from backing down from a fight.
Most people fight with their fists. But I fight with my legs. I fight to stay, but they fight to run. Luckily for them, I don't fight very hard.
I'm into mixed martial arts. I just wish they made better equipment to accommodate my style of fighting. They need to combine boxing gloves with running shoes, that way I can deliver more runaway power.
I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb's so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.
every best selling author should hug a lumberjack, unless they sold only e-books.
I hate it when I drop a call, but that's what happens when I keep my phone in my pocket and I drop my pants. It seems I drop my pants way too often during important business deals.
I thought the last girl I took out gave me a warm fuzzy feeling in my pants until I looked and saw that it was actually a tarantula. I feel good in my decision not to take her home, but rather to step on her.
The only time it's OK to be stingy and horde something is when you are talking about blame. I tell this to everyone I work with.
Hell is a cold heart and a warm beer. Heaven is just the opposite.
Restrictiveness inhibits innovation. At least that's what I told my boss as I pointed to his tight slacks. He then pointed to my exposed genitalia and said, "And this kind of freedom inhibits digestion." He then made me clean up his vomit before firing me. -Jarod Kintz
Dear Viktor, You can always think what you want, and what you want to think. But you should never only think what you want to think, or want what you only think you want, unless you think you already know everything or your only want is to think. There, I think I said waht I wanted to say. At least I want to think I said what I think.
Dear Jarod, I think what you wanted to say and what I think you wanted to think about saying were one and the same. But I'm still confused as to what you were really trying to say. Is this about your missing bicycle? The one where the frame was made out of Cocoa Puffs? You know I saw a picture of your missing bicycle on the back of a milk carton. But I think they put it there not to help find your chocolaty bike, but rather to help sell milk. Anyway, the bicycle has been missing as long as Mr. Fizzlebush, so maybe he rode off with it. It's just a thought, whether you want to think about it or not.
I've been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.
I often quote myself and people ask me, "Did you think of that on the spot?" "Yes, " I reply, "just not this spot."
I want a bed that tells time because I always thought it would be great to have sex on the clock.
Telling a dog not to shit on your carpet is like paying a teenage couple minimum wage to sit in the backseat of a car and telling them not to have sex on the clock.
My girlfriend must think goals are like pairs of shoes, that you can never have too many. That, plus she loves stepping all over mine.
I wish clothing were made not from cloth, but from gases, like flatulence, for a lone example. that way, when I shit my pants, it would be virtually undetectable.
Dear Renaldo, I'd just like to say how appalled I am that you barged in on me in the shower and tried to take pictures of me for the tabloids. Good thing I was wearing Grandmother's bathing suit! (Although, now my crotch itches). Can you get lice from potato salad?
Were you aware that my Grandmother's crotch smells like fish? Tolapia. Grilled Tolapia specificaly. That reminds me, what are you doing for dinner tonight? Our neighbor's dog left us a few biscuits in our yard that you can heat up in the microwave later on. (Just don't throw them against the wall again).
I'll be home around 3:00, and most likely I'll want potato salad. Yesterday I found one of your pubic hairs in my potato salad. I know it wasn't one of mine because I keep my pubic hair with my pasta in a Ziplock bag stored in my safe (you can never be too careful these days).
Well, I'll see you when I get home. ~Jarod -Jarod Kintz
Two eyes: People with two eyes generally se better than people with one eye. They make better drivers and politicains. (Who wants to vote for a guy with one eye?)
One eye: People with one eye generally tend to be dicks. They can't see as well, but they tend to be more focused in life. They make the worst possible Air Traffic Controllers due to their lack of depth perception. And they are constantly winking at people. They pick up more women at bars because everytime they blink, they are always winking at someone. -Jarod Kintz
Somebody once asked me where I come up with my stuff. I replied, "Who knows? Where does yellow snow come from? It's just a gift from God I guess." -Jarod Kintz
I want to grow a Fu Manchu mustache by December, as well as my New Years resolution for next year will be to successfully grow and cultivate a unibrow. These two fashoin icons, as well as the mullet I'll be rocking should be the perfect symmetry I'll need when sporting my Spandex and bowling shoes. Oh yeah, when I go out, I go out in style.
I want to be able to move one eye brow at a time, but instead of working my facial muscles in the mirror and practicing, I think I'm just going to nurture and cultivate a unibrow.
To walk a mile in the shoes of a man with three feet takes timing and coordination. -Jarod Kintz
You can call me anything you'd like, just don't call me while I'm sleeping.
I don't understand why fat women wear skimpy clothing. I just want to tell them, The only way any man would want to get into your pants is if you've got a buffet and a full bar down there, which isn't too improbable judging from the size of your waste.
A woman needs a man in her life like she needs batteries for her dildo. -Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo likes riding horses. Horses with horns. He's a mythical cowboy. Would any of you ladies like to be Mr. Boo's saddle? Just send him a message telling him why you should be his saddle. Maybe he'll respond, and maybe your message will just disappear like a plane off the Bermuda Triangle. (Mr. Boo lives in a pyramid right on Bermuda's beach.) --Jarod Kintz
I just saw a man who was too ugly for words to describe. So I took his picture really quickly then took off just as quick. I ran like a rabbit who had carrots for legs.
People should invest in their futures and avoid speculation on their past.
Love is a pile of white feathers lying in a muddy puddle that our imaginations transform into a giant peacock soaring through a cloudless summer sky.
The blue sky was alive with lust. The wind was caressing my hair and breathing softly down my neck. The green leaves were teasing my soft pink nipples. And the bottle of Viagra was empty, and all of the sudden my Spandex shorts were way too tight.
I go into strip clubs to donate blood...to my penis.
Our destinies were intertwined like the knot in the shoes of a retarded school boy.
If a man steals from the market, you might cut off his hand. But if a man steals your heart, what should you cut off? Maybe the blood supply to his penis? -Jarod Kintz
Aristotle said that the mark of a true genius is someone who can create metaphors to enrich the human understanding. That stanza, to me anyway, was pure poetic persperation that was worthy to fal off the brow of even Aristotle himself. -Jarod Kintz
A journey on an elevator is the quickest way to transcend and ascend into the great above without taking a single step upwards or vertically asserting yourself.
This morning I walked into an elevator to find a blind, one-fingered man shouting and pointing his finger at an armless man who only had one eye. (I think he was wearing a monocle, too.) They were arguing about how to best get to their respective floors. Fortunately for them, I was wearing my cheerleading outfit, and had my boom box, so I broke into my "Teamwork" cheer. Shortly after, motivated by my movements and style, the Cyclops was able to direct the blind man's finger as to where all the buttons to all our floors were, while I continued to gyrate my pelvis and shake my palm palms in encouragement. It really was a beautiful thing. Shortly after exiting the elevator I sat down to scribble down my surreal experience on a the bottom of my shoe (I only wear one, so that my perspective on the world is always slanted). -Jarod Kintz
I often wonder what it would be like to be naked and riding bareback on a horse, through a forest of naked trees. Naked as in all the bark stripped from them. I'd ride like this through all four seasons and endure all four elements. Finally, I'd arrive at a great beast of a tree, whose bark was like fur and whose leaves were like fire. And I would run up to this tree and embrace it like a lover. And it would wrap it's branches around me and I would urinate on its trunk. The tree would become me and I would become the tree, in the sense that eventually I would start urinating on my own leg, and the tree would do the same. This is a dream I had the other night before being rudely woken up by a team of midgets that was pulling a carriage of exotic dancers who had ridden all night just to dance for my pleasure. But I told them to piss off, that I'd rather spend the rest of my night with my loving tree.
If history repeats itself, then the future is nothing more than the past in reverse.
It's hard to think outside the box when you are in an elevator.
For all canines, Pavlov took the "bell" out of rebellion. -Jarod Kintz
"Your vagina feels so good I don't ever want to pull out." "You can stay in as long as you want." "Four months?" "I love sex. You can stay in four years if you want." "Consider it rented out then. I'll move in next Thursday."
The surgery went well, the blood still dripping like spittle and you, standing there like a God with four heads (yours being the little, middle one).
My ex girlfriend and I fought. Sometimes fighting can be a beautiful thing. Look at it this way. Within a 24 hour time period, the night fights with the day to control the sky, and sunsets are the outcome of that struggle.
What's the greatest part about being Jarod Kintz? Wow! What an awesome question on a survey! Thanks for asking. Well, I'd say the greatest part about being Jarod Kintz is waking up every day and being able to laugh first thing in the morning. That's because the first thing I do when I get up is take a piss, and I can't help but laugh as I look down and see Mr. Wee (named for his diminutive stature, and his Asiatic slit for an eye hole) go wee wee. -Jarod Kintz
195 Comments:
Good comic! Very original and witty.
Most fertile minds are full of crap...or of themselves.
My brother loves this site. I think it is a little too crazy for me.
i don't really understand the question.
Very funny saying. A comic that breaks the mold and makes you laugh and think at the same time, genius.
Manny
I can't stop laughing. Every comic is just as good as the last.
-Brianna
Brianna, you sound like a groupie. Is Mr. Kintz developing a following?
fertile mind to go with a bukake face
This comic looks alot like the handsome man who created it!
Lauren
I have a fertile mind, but I eat lots of manure to help with that. And, you are what you eat.
-Jarod Kintz
When I play the gutiar it is like I play the strings in my heart. Too bad those strings are attached to pornographic puppets on stage in my eyes.
Love is a huge forehead of hope that one kisses in the sincerest moment before feeling the prickle of a unibrow.
-Jarod Kintz
Babies of the future won't be born with vocal cords, they'll be wireless.
-Jarod Kintz
Actors are so wierd. Show bizarre is truly a crazy business.
-Jarod Kintz
Love is blind and bruised as it bumps into the furniture of life.
-Jarod Kintz
I believe in miracles. Love is a miracle. So is surviving a shark attack only to be eaten by a bear a week later. Then having your wife pen a best selling book about it as she runs off with Dan Brown in the following weeks.
-Jarod Kintz
I dated a psychologist once. She told me we were going to dinner at a fancy restuarant one night. When we got there they said I needed a jacket to sit at a table. Next thing I know I'm in a padded room and I can't move my arms. And this is what she meant by committed.
-Jarod Kintz
The way a freshly painted bathroom wall feels around a toddler, that's intimidation. The way a bedsheet feels beneath a senile old man, that's intimidation. The way I feel being told I have to either clean up these two messes, or wear them, now that's true intimidation.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd love to get inside a brillint person's head. Ride the waves of inspiration to the beaches of genius. I just can't figure out whether to drag my surfboard through the nostrils or the mouth.
-Jarod Kintz
I think every guy views his pants as one giant napkin. That's why I find it so strange when I walk up to random guys and blow my nose on their pants that they look at me like I'm crazy and try to hit me.
-Jarod kintz
Once upon a time a strawberry fell in love with a grape, then decided he wasn't a one fruit kind of guy, so he ran off with a smoothie.
-Lauren Zimpel
I always get a headache when it snows. But that's what you get when you live in a cabin in a snowglobe.
-Jarod Kintz
It's because coffee gives me energy that I like to pee on homeless people's boxes so can enjoy electricity.
-Jarod Kintz
Just last week I shot a man. Or was it the week before? I can't remember I shoot so many men. But this one was different. He wasn't begging for his life, he was begging for some change. And I hate that. A nickel here and a quarter there, at least I was merciful in giving him a swift death. But those pariahs slowly ebb the life from my body one bloody cent at a time.
-Jarod Kintz
MICHAEL RAMOS IS HHHHHOT!!! WHEW!! I feel better, thanks!
Interesting- by this do you mean that very intelligent people just have so much they are thinking about at a time that it is symbolic to "crap/ manure"
Just curious... cause other than that, witty comic ;)
Very often I find myself spending an immense amount of time thinking about large piles of melted cheese. The important question to ask is, what kind of cheese? The answer is, of course, Gorgonzola cheese, sprinkled with Parmesan.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Jarod,
Is it not true that you are in fact lactose intolerant?
Yours,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Jarod,
Yes I am lactose intolerant to a mild degree. We all lust after what we can't have. Am I right, or am I right?
Yours,
Jarod Kintz
Jarod,
You are right, as usual. I'm sorry for questioning you like that.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
Did somebody mention cheese? I love cheese. But I lust after you RoRoUrBoat, whoever you are. Meet me at the park after dark. Bring the cheese, and don't tell mother.
~Jarod Kintz
To make up for this intolerence have you by any chance tried mating with a cow? I have found it to be very helpful in relieving aggressions.
Just a Question.
Just a question,
Yes, my x-girlfriend was a real heifer. Although I never bought the milk, even though the cow was free. I also never liked chocolate milk, not since after the threesome with the candy bar.
Yours,
Jarod Kintz
Do you know the power of cheese? I like to eat it with a little pepper and thyme. I have the pepper, do you have the thyme? We're going to the park? I love to swing, so bring some friends.
Sincerly yours,
RoRoUrBoat
RoRoUrBoat,
Well my favorite thing to do at the park is the Merry Go Round. I am hay intolerent. That is why I like to mount the little horses.
Larry
Larry,
The merry-go-round is fun, I mean, who doesn't love to ride the little horses. But have you ever spidered on a swing, how could you get any higher than that?
RoRoUrBoat
RoRoUrBoat,
Yes as a matter of fact I have spidered on a swing, with the horse from the merry go round. I'll tell ya how to get higher though-all you need is a set of monkey bars and some bungee rope.
Larry
I wish I were back in the jungle where men are monkeys!!!
RoRoUrBoat
RoRoUrBoat,
I also prefer men who are monkeys, they have the shwing, if ya know what I mean. But here in the city men are octopuses. All hands and spittin out shit when they shouldn't be.
Larry
Some people ride motorcycles, I ride horses. Some people carry gum, I carry a gun. Some people point with their fingers, I point with my six shooter. Some people.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend likes to chew me out. Live by the gum, die by the gum.
-Jarod Kintz
I just got out of an abusive relationship, and boy are my knuckles swollen. After I kicked her ass I said, Bitch, you know I kneed you.
-Jarod Kintz
P.S. I'm not physically abusive unless provoked.
She was like a football. Everybody had their hands on her, and I just wanted to kick her.
-Jarod Kintz
He was sprawled on the couch watching TV as she came out of the bedroom putting on her earrings. He barely even glanced up to notice her sexy black dress. “Did you get paid today?” she asked as she shoved her cell phone into her purse.
“Yep,” he replied without altering his stare away from the TV.
“So you’re taking me out to dinner tonight, right? How much money do you have?” She asked as she walked over to the sofa and sat on the edge.
“I have more money than Jesus,” he said as he turned to look at her.
The sun was setting, and she was squinting into the sun that shone in through the window. Her eyes were like the slits in blinds as she smiled and said, “So it’s fast food then?”
He had turned back toward the TV when he responded, “Only if you get a water, babe.”
She let out a wild laugh into the room. “I’ll get a water, if you’re gonna walk on it for me, oh son of the sofa God.”
-Jarod KIntz
Jed and I were out celebrating tonight. Jed had just gotten a raise at the new parcel delivery center. We were going out to Lollipops, the local strip club. My girlfriend works there, so we were also going to surprise her too. As soon as I walked into the dimly lit room, and heard the lyrics to Making Love All In Your Mouth, I could feel my hear rate jump up like an excited flea on a wet dog.
Jed led the way, and as soon as he rounded the corner, past the bouncer, he turned back around and faced me. “Maybe we could go to Hooters tonight instead. I’m kind of hungry.”
Seeing Jed as rigid as a wall made me tense up a little bit. “We’ll get a hamburger here,” I say as I slant my eyes and push forward.
“Jarod!” Jed hollers.
I turn around and walk back over to him. “What’s going on here Jed?”
He snorts a little laugh. “I forgot something in the car. You want to walk back with me to get it?”
I toss him the keys and turn back around. I don’t get farther than two steps than I feel my shirt being pulled from behind. I whip around and square my face with Jed’s. “Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind tonight,” I furiously demand.
“I just want to have a good time tonight, that’s all. And I know how you get.”
I shake my head. “How I get when what?”
Jed lowers his head and rubs his temples with his big burly fingers. “I’m afraid that tonight you’ll think your girlfriend is like a football.”
I toss my head back and laugh. “A football. How would that upset me, I get two of man’s greatest gifts in one package.”
“I meant that everyone will have their hands on her, end you will just want to kick her. You get a little testy over her, especially when you’ve had a few beers in you.” He says as he places his hand on my shoulder.
“Jed, I appreciate your concern, I really do,” I say as I put my arm around his shoulder. “Tonight is all about you, my friend. I promise I will not do anything to put you in an awkward position.”
In this dialogue we get the sense that Jarod has put Jed in an awkward position on previous occasions. We also get the sense that Jarod is a loose cannon. And seeing that he is dating a stripper, and shows up at her place of work, we sense that he kind of likes getting all riled up and brawling.
-Jarod Kintz
Pregnant Samantha has a breast on her knee. Everytime she walks she lactates on the floor. I almost slipped on the floor after walking behind her.
-Jarod Kintz
I am eating pizza, drinking beer and I just had sex and detached....Oh my god i've become a man.
No, my dear...we're called modern women. Embrace it, own it, live it. No, I don't cuddle after sex...no, you cannot spend the night...
A turtle in a business suit never acts hard.
-JArod Kintz
A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.
-Jarod Kintz
A psychiatrist is a man who will give you a penny for your thoughts, and charge you a nickel for listening.
-Jarod Kintz
An empty whiskey bottle only echoes your fears and pains.
-Jarod Kintz
Her pupils were dialated like obese flies, and they fluttered around in the same sporatic manner too.
-Jarod Kintz
Mormon's have more balance in their lives. Let's say a bachelor is like a unicycle--hardly any balance. A married couple is a bicycle--more balance than the bachelor unicycle, but then there is the swinging Mormon tricycle with the most balance out of all of them. I'm not Mormon, nor do i own a trycycle, but there is a reason little children start out with a tricycle and not a unicycle. The tricycle is God-like too. Three wheels, the Holy Trinity, there is something to all this.
-Jarod Kintz
To see the true beauty of people, you have to look beneath the skin. But be careful as you peel their skin back, you don't want to damage their organs.
-Jarod Kintz
All my friends seem to have the same dead end, clown-like characteristics. There's the curly red hair, the big red shoes, and that alcoholic, inflamed, red nose they all seem to posess too.
-Jarod Kintz
In any journey, half the people never make it past the middle. If you are one of those people, it's always best to start in the middle. Zeno was one of those people.
-Jarod Kintz
In your absence I voted you king until you return, then the throne goes to the next absent person until they return, and so on and so forth.
-Jarod Kintz
If we admire what we do not understand, should most of us not admire ourselves? Most with the possible except of Frederick Nietzsche, who both understood himself and was his biggest admirer.
-Jarod Kintz
Marriage is like cancer. Even if you don't go bald from it, it will still kill you.
-Jarod Kintz
Smoking is the number two cause of cancer, behind marriage of course.
-Jarod Kintz
Sweet N Low is not like adultery. One causes cancer in lab rats, and the other even a rat wouldn't be subjected to.
-Jarod Kintz
It's not adultery if you have group phone sex with your business partners, unless they insert something other than a phone up your ass.
-Jarod Kintz
Never committ adultery with your secretary. You never know when an important client might find the line busy because you're on the speaker phone while your partners listen in. Oh, and your wife might not like it either.
-Jarod Kintz
Society always tries to label me. I only like being labeled when I am overnighting myself in priority mail.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex appeal is like a t-shirt. Yeah it fades, but if used for marketing purposes, it will surely sell.
-Jarod Kintz
The idea of adultery is like a soccer ball. Yeah, you migt kick it around for a while, but if you actually wind up scoring, you get slapped with a huge penalty.
-Jarod Kintz
Another funny Halloween costume for two people is one person go as George washington Carver, and another go as a normal person broken out in hives because he/she is allergic to peanut buter. Have them fighting the whole night.
-Jarod Kintz
True violence gets the blood pumping faster than a whole bottle of viagra shoved up your throbbing urethra.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to want to run for political office, but my knees are too corrupt.
-Jarod Kintz
The fool hath said in his heart there is no goat. And this is sad because he's denying the cheese that molds in his refrigerator.
-Jarod Kintz
A greedy man would eat his own stomach to try to quench his endless hunger, and a savvy businessman would sell him a bottle of wine to accompany his meal.
-Jarod Kintz
My family's so corrupt, I sold my brother into slavery and my father swindled me on the deal. He paid me in the child support he had just stolen from my mother.
-Jarod Kintz
Man is the only animal that walks proudly on two legs, and couragously crawls on all fours.
-Jarod Kintz
I just put a mirror over my bed to enhance my sex life. Now I just have to talk my room mate into letting my have the top bunk so I can put it to use.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of people like to role play to ehance their sex life. I know I do. Although sometimes I think it might be easier to find a female partner, rather than always doing both characters.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't know how my wife feels, but for me, the pace of sex has noticably slowed down a lot in the last thirty to forty minutes.
-Jarod Kintz
Never have sex on the first night, wait until early the next morning.
-Jarod Kintz
Never go door-to-door selling sex. It's better to knock on windows.
-Jarod Kintz
The only job where it seems perfectly natural to get smoking breaks is on a porn set.
-Jarod Kintz
If a girl ever asks me how big my penis is, I always respond with, "Well, how deep is your vagina?"
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of people bite their fingernails. My girlfriend bites her toenails. She's always got her foot in her mouth.
-Jarod Kintz
For my wife and mine's 50th wedding annaversary I want to do something special, like not shit in my pants.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to get laid left and right. Yeah, I used to switch hands.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of people think nature is their God. I'd like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.
-Jarod Kintz
Last week I bought a get rich quick scheme off the TV. It worked...for the guy I bought it from.
-Jarod Kintz
I just recently learned how to say boyfriend in French. Laissez Fuck.
-Jarod Kintz
My dog is more courtious than my neighbor. At least my dog doesn't read my newspaper while he shits in my yard.
-Jarod Kintz
My neighbors used to be Bob and Martha Jones. I have no idea who my new asshole neighbors are, but I wish they'd keep up with the Jones' who must be half way to Calcutta by now.
-Jarod Kintz
My friends are Johnny walker and Jack daniels. You know you drink too much when those guys are telling you you drink too much. An empty bottle echoes all your fears.
-Jarod Kintz
Growing up, I was never one of those kids who got piss on the toilet seat. Nope, I got it all in the sink.
-Jarod Kintz
I think they should merge Time magazine with Travel magazine to form TimeTravel magazine. Then people can have the option to get back issues, the current issue, or read up on future events. And every issue should come with futuristic powder ice-cream, ice not included.
-Jarod Kintz
You can't put a pricetag on friendship, only friends. Try selling them wholesale, you can get rid of more of them that way.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wish I were in a homosexual relationship. Like yesterday, for example. My girlfriend and I got into a huge fight and my adrenaline was pumping hard with no outlet for release. I couldn't hit her. This is not the case in a gay relationship. Nobody's going to give you a dirty look if you walk into a bar and say, "Yeah, my boyfriend and I just got into a fight and I beat the shit out of him." Well, that depends on the kind of bar it is, I might get the shit beat out of me for saying that.
-Jarod Kintz
If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.
-Jarod Kintz
The only government officials I'll have dinner with now are the dead ones I pull from my wallet and leave at the table for our waitress.
-Jarod Kintz
I think we should dig up George Washington and put his corpse on new currency, because we are just a skeleton of the country he invisioned.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to swim naked in an Olympic sized swimming pool filled with vodka and women in orange bathing suits.
-Jarod Kintz
Today a Hollywood producer wouldn't recognize a good plot, even if he was burrying his movie in it.
-Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz loves walking on the beach naked, dragging his dragon penis on the soft sand behind him as his midget servents throw rose petals at his buttocks.
-Jarod Kintz
I think a lot. Mostly, I think about thinking, and I think, "Hey, how can I be doing something at the same time I'm thinking about how to do it, and what it means?" This gets me thinking some more. Is it really thinking to think about thinking, or do i just think it is? And do I really think it is, or am I just thinking I think it is? These, and other thoughts about thoughts I think about when I'm thinking about thinking. If you're reading this, you're thinking about what I'm thinking about, or are you even thinking? Do you just think you're thinking that I'm thinking about thinking? Or are you letting me do all the thinking? Or just letting me think I'm doing all the thinking.
-Jarod Kintz
I learned a lot in public schools. You can't put a price tag on a free education where each student gets the individual attention, and enlightened banter, with a fellow classmate in the courtyard during chemistry class.
-Jarod Kintz
I cry when I lose friends. But then I laugh when I find them, especailly when they're in my underwear drawer--because I don't wear, or have any underwear.
-Jarod Kintz
My wife is my depression, but I love coming home and probing deep into my depression.
-Jarod Kintz
My musical tastes are as such. Mostly air guitar solos played by people with no fingers and lipsung by deaf men with no lips.
-Jarod Kintz
It was strange. It was a blue sunny day, and I heard a cloud coming from well beyond the horizon. Yet I failed to hear the car speedily sneak up from behind me.
-Jarod Kintz
Bad news has a way of sneaking up on you like a midget ninja in the middle of the night.
-Jarod Kintz
If you cut a midget in half, is he half a man, or a quarter?
-Jarod Kintz
I had an erection the size of an average Texan, minus the cowboy hat and boots.
-Jarod Kintz
Life, love and relationships are fickle sometimes. I know how it goes when you just up and lose the feeling for another person. If I were Mormon, and my two legs were my wives, I'd hate to lose my feelings for them. But then I'd do the impossible: I'd fall in love with my wheelchair.
-Jarod Kintz
My balls are the size
of inflamed nostrils,
and my shriveled penis
is the size of a normal
nose, except it smells
a whole lot better.
Who needs a dog? I love
sniffing my own crotch.
-Jarod Kintz
Never tell a midget to hold your keys in his pocket because then you might lock your keys in your trunk.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo is the shadow behind the laughter.-J. O. Kintz
20, 8, 5, 13, 25, 20, 8, 9, 3, 1, 12, 13, 18., 2, 15, 15, 9, 19, 20, 8, 5, 19, 8, 1, 4, 15, 23, 2, 5, 8, 9, 14, 4, 20, 8, 5, 12, 1, 21, 7, 8, 20, 5, 18,
-10. 15. 11, 9, 14, 20, 26
Dear Zaxbys,
Hi, my name is Jarod, and I am a bastard now. it seems that one of your chicken sandwiches brutally murdered my father by stabbing him twelve times in the throat with my number two pencil, and then duped the police into believing that I had something to do with his death. I will not be made a scapegoat by your sandwiches. Everyone is right in what they say about you. You do have killer chicken sandwiches. My lawyer will be in contact with your fries to gather some statements.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
If my neighbor pisses on my rug, but I stole it from him, do I have a right to get pissed?
-Jarod Kintz
Is a man with two penis' twice the lover? A man made for threesomes? Or is he only half the lover because his ebergy is split between two sources?
-Jarod Kintz
If you cry a lot over your ex girlfriend, not because she's gone, but because you never pulled out your favorite pair of scissors from her throat, does that make you a selfish person?
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo is the shadow behind the laughter. And like all shadows, he never leads, he always follows the madness.
-J. O. Kintz
And like all shadows, he never leads, he always follows the madness.
1 14 4 12 9 11 5 1 12 12 19 8 1 4 15 23 19, 8 5 14 5 22 5 18 12 5 1 4 19, 8 5 1 12 23 1 25 19 6 15 12 12 15 25 19 20 8 5 13 1 4 14 5 19 19.
-Jarod Kintz
The NBA season is getting exciting now with the playoffs and all, but as I watch the games I can't help but notice that it's not very diverse on the court. There's only one major group of people that's represented on the court. You all know who I am talking about. Those cocky bastards, that think society owes them everything. That's right, I'm talking about tall people. Where are all the midgets at? Do midgets not play basketball? I have conclusive prrof that not only do they play, but they also look graceful while doing it. The NBA needs to stop hating, and heighten the game, by shortening the average player size.
-Jarod Kintz
The NBA season is getting exciting now with the playoffs and all, but as I watch the games I can't help but notice that it's not very diverse on the court. There's only one major group of people that's represented out there. You all know who I am talking about. Those cocky bastards, the ones that think society owes them everything. That's right, I'm talking about tall people. Where are all the midgets at? Do midgets not play basketball? I have conclusive proof that not only do they play, but they also look graceful while doing it. The NBA needs to stop hating, and heighten the game, by shortening the average player size.
-Jarod Kintz
Thursday, April 20
I robbed a sperm bank. I had sticky fingers.
-Jarod Kintz
I like my relationships hot, burning hot. I dated a can of gasoline, but there was just no spark.
-Jarod Kintz
Being a clown is hard work. Laughter is expensive, and comes with great risk. Clowns try to make people laugh. Yet people are afraid of clowns. Does this mean people are afraid of laughter? Not to mention clown supplies are insane. I feel like the balloon industry is inflated.-Ghost Town Clown
-Jarod Kintz
It's better to follow a crowd than to lead a crowd. Rather than be the first lemming off the cliff, I'd much more prefer to be the last one pondering the merits of the jump.
The masses of people are like a slug, inching along through life. If I can see the crowd slowly moving towards the left, where there is salt, I sprint towards the pepper on the right.
I'm one of the most loyal followers I have ever had the privilege of leading.
There was once a circus citrus tree, who juggled oranges. One winter, during a depression, when he wasn't making any money juggling fruit, he decided to spruce up his show and juggle torches instead. But his limbs weren't limber and green, they were stiff and brown, and he never caught the rhythm to begin with. Well, he burned to death and right in front of his wife and kids too. But the sad part was that the farmer, who was very jealous of his juggling tree, just sat there, on his unicycle, and watched his friend burn to death while laughing and gurgling water out of the hose. Then the farmer made the wife tree get on her knees and beg for her life to be spared. When she protested saying that she had no knees, and even if she did have them she wouldn't humble herself to a man like him, he hacked her to pieces with an axe. The point of the story is, you may be the most talented tree in the grove, but talent often invokes jealousy, even among those you consider friends. And jealousy may have repercussions that very well might trickle down through the generations like vodka in the soil. (The little orange tree son took to drinking vodka instead of water after that horrific night. And his boozing alienated his friends to the point that nobody would even give him a ride to A.A. meetings, and he certainly couldn't walk there. He died of alcohol poisoning after one too many screwdrivers.)
I have a lot more will power than you might think. I can, with relative ease, ward off the temptation not to smoke, not to drink, and not to gamble.
My friend at the 7-11 says he was recently held up at work by gun point. So what? I get held up at work all the time by something infinitely more frightening: paperwork.
Women are magicians. They have a way of making your money disappear right out of your wallet when you don't even know it. It's all about distraction. One minute your eyes are focused on their boobies, the next thing you know your wallet is empty and your house is in their name.
-Jarod Kintz
A dollar is only powerful when you have one, not when you think you have one. Not so with ghosts. They are just as powerful, if not more so, when a person thinks there is one. I think that a dozen ghost, real or otherwise, are more powerful than an army of men. If you can create the perception of ghosts, in several manifestations, e.g., literal, memories, or evidence, you can control the masses.
Life is a series of continuum circles (life and death, black and white, sweet and sour), so that man can't cut corners?(There are no corners on a circle) And if nature can't cut corners, what makes man think not only that he can, but he should? Or is life full of cycles and circles precisely because nature has already cut all the corners? I don't know, but if you're going to cheat and cut corners in life, you might as well try to do it at the absolute very end. I know I'll try. I'll be 90 years old, in my wheel chair and covered in shrubbery and leaves, hiding from the reaper.
-Jarod Kintz
I like living in a shoe, except for the fact that paople are always stepping on me. But I like constantly being on the go, even when I'm just trying to watch TV.
-Jarod Kintz
I love Huey Lewis, but not the News. The news is to depressing.
-Jarod Kintz
Life is a symphony and God is the writer/conductor. Certain men are able to pick out various nots and chords, as they strains their feeble ears. They think life is chaotic and random, but they don't realize that every note has a place that only God understands or can hear. But don't dismay, although you can't hear and understand the whole score, each note is as necessary as the next. While all notes are great, not all notes are equal in the scheme of life.
There are too many Emperors in the closet, and no room for clothes.
No matter what you do, your lives will follow you your whole lifetime. Even if you kill yourself, your life followed you the whole course of your lifetime. So the only thing to do is have fun with it.
-Jarod Kintz
Most of the world is crazy. The only sane people, I'm convinced, are the ones the world thinks are insane.
-Jarod Kintz
There once were two boots. One was a rational boot, and the other was a biased boot. well, the biased boot got a hole faster than the rational boot, and I think the reason was because he was slanted. Thus, he wore down faster in that one particular area due to an uneven distribution of weight. I feel the only time it's ok to be slanted is when you are on a ski slope.
-Jarod Kintz
I can see you are a fine judge of character, my friend. If I had my own game show, I'd make you a contestant and I'd hotwire the show so you could win any domestic car made between the years of '86 and '88. And I'd even give you the keys too! I wouldn't even let my wife drive a beaut like an '87. Americans make the best automobiles anywhere in the world Suth of Canada and North of Mexico. And that's for damn sure.
-Jarod Kintz
Don't fuck the sheep, fuck the shepherd.
-Jarod Kintz
I find that markets come in cycles, and that’s exactly why it’s so hard to corner the market.
An alcoholic law student wouldn’t just pass the bar, he’d pass out in the bar.
My memory is so bad I often forget things even before I’ve learned them.
I believe I lost faith in my belief of not having faith. But I have no empirical evidence to support this claim, so I’d recommend you not believing it.
If I were missing my right arm, I’d give my left arm just to get it back.
My memory is like a ten-gallon fish tank. And all the things I’ve ever heard in my life are like a hundred pound goldfish. Fortunately, my ears act like a drainage system, and I can filter the huge fish into the pond I refer to as, “Bitch, you never told me that before.”
A man who sticks his dick into the bumper of my car without my permission is a sex-a-fender.
-Jarod Kintz
Muhummad Ali said he was the greatest. History has said Alexander was Great. One had an great empire and a great IQ, while the other had neither. Muhummad Ali had an empire that was 1/80th of his IQ. But its hard to run an empire of none, aside from himself, even when you have an IQ that reaches as high as 80.
-Jarod Kintz
A man who lives in a fishtank doesn't have much room to breathe, nor does he care about land conservation or mandatory sausage factory inspections.
If a politician were an artist, and his campaign policies were his canvases, he would be painting beautiful sunrise ocean scenes with his words, but upon closer inspection you'd find his paints were not oil based, but were in fact fecal based.
The mind is the Tupperware of thought. It keeps your ideas fresh for reuse, as well as for sharing with your friends.
-Jarod Kintz
Random guy: I guess this group is about random thoughts? So, let me start with one! Can a cell phone and a set of keys resemble an enormous penis if these items were placed in the right front pocket of a man playing the guitar on stage with the lighting placing a blue and red hue on the supposedly suspected site in question?
Me: In life, we all see what we want to see. So if someone saw your "penis" on stage, then s/he was probably wanting to see your penis.
My fake profile: Yes, we all want to se your penis. I mean not me, because I'm not gay, but I'm sure all the ladies here want to see your keys and phone, wink wink.
-Jarod Kintz
End of the year? I guess that gives me enough time to get my body looking like that again. I tell you, it's hard having a sexy body like that. The constant need to rip my shirt off at strange times and in strange places. Most notably, my grandmother's closet when she's passed out from too much booze. But the ladies love it when I wear grandmother's clothes. Those ladies at the retirement home are always so supportive, and generous with their dollar bills.
-Jarod Kintz
I sleep like a mountain, but my girlfriend sleeps like a volcano. I don't mind though, as long as she lets me visit her paradise valley whenever I want to.
Viagra: Party naked. Party hard.
Peeping Tim: I'm Tom's brother.
Self-help junky: Life is like a buffet--you need to help yourself at least twice before you can help others. I'll be the first to admit I'm selfish. It's all about me. My time, my needs, my addiction. I am a true junky. I may not have track marks on my veins, but I have paper cuts on my finger tips. I steal quarters and dimes from loved ones. .65 cents here, .35 cents there. And for what? So I can buy the latest self-help books? I'm truly sick. There must be a self-help book that helps self-help junkies like myself. if not, I need to write one. I'll call it, "Self-help yourself overcome your self-help addiction." Or maybe, "Don't self-help yourself so much that you end up emotionally throwing up all ove the people you love."
If your foot stinks, pull it out of my ass, after you pull it out of your mouth, of course.
obsessive compulsive guy: who moved my space?
Danny the Janitor: There's not enough broom here for the both of us. Somebody took a dump in the sink again.
They should make socks with bristles for people like you. That way, with as much time as you spend with your foot in your mouth, you'd never have to brush your teeth with a toothbrush again. Of course, having your stinky foot in your mouth all the time, is sort of a good thing. At least your breath doesn't smell as bad this way.
Men's bathroom attendant: I sneak peeks at you while you pee. My advice in life is this: never wear white dress shoes in case you dribble a little urine on them after you shake. also, don't shake it like a maniac; I have to clean off the walls where you splatter. and no, urinal cakes are not edible.
-Jarod Kintz
It makes me sick. I feel ill... iteracy is not socially accessable. Or do I mean acceptable?
-Jarod Kintz
Most fertile minds are full of crap...or of themselves.
-Jarod Kintz
Men's Bathroom attendant: I'm a simple guy who lives for the sound that is made when the union of urine and toilet water is made.
-Jarod Kintz
Men's Bathroom Attendant: Bodily functions really fascinate me. I love it when somebody takes a dump on the floor, or leaves a floater in the water for me to enjoy. I have a game I play: Name that feces, where I try to pick out what the guy ate over the last eight hours. Of course I can't be sure until I get the poop home with me and actually break it apart and study it further.
-Jarod Kintz
Starving Artist: I'm glad my canvases aren't made of cheese, because i get so hungry I might eat my masterpieces. I feel a bit snobish about art. I think culinary artists are not true artists because they have never been starving. I could never be a culinary artist, no matter how hungry I might get, simply because I could not stand the thought of my work turning to shit. Speaking of which, my personal life is like a steaming pile of feces on my new bedspread (thank you mother!). If females were furniture, all the women in my life would be naked. Right now it's just me, my mother, and an unvarnished chair and bed in our apartment.
Who I'd like to meet: I'd like to dress up in a soup can costume and meet Andy Warhol. Then, on a chilly night, I'd like to meet Cristo when I'm naked and let him wrap me.
Interests: Obviously art. But I love sleepovers. Anything to get away from mother. Not only does she snore, but she steals the covers too!
-Jarod Kintz
Mad Scientist: If science were a symphony, I'd be the conductor, and I'd be pantsless. But I'd always have a grip on my unit of measurement. Science and religion are two seperate things, but, like my hand and my panis, they come together too many times in one day that both start to rub me raw. Well, since milk helps me think, I'd like to meet a cow who had ladders for legs. That way I could make the world's tallest glass of milk, and come up with the world's longest (and hopefully best) formula.
I once laughed so hard milk came ripping out of my nose. That was the last time I snorted powdered milk.
I make my own music in a bathtub I designed like an ampitheatre. I can make music come out of both ends of my body, and have each of them on a seperate octave.
I make my own movies, in my bed that I set-designed to look like my neighbors porch. I often sleep naked, and my alarm clock is usually the sound of my neighbor's screaming wife. The look on her face every morning is priceless on film.
I once wanted to know which traveled faster, sound or light? It turned out that when I threw the TV out of my thirteenth floor office, both the sound, and the RGB light from the TV hit the ground at exactly the same instant.
I'm currently devising a course on speed reading. The course comes with a radar gun that you can clock yourself with.
A common trait of a hero is the person worshiping them has never actually seen them. With this logic in mind, I'd have to conclude that my hero is my father's pants. I also hope that one day my son comes to emulate my elusive pants in the same way that I did with my dad's.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm currently devising a course on speed reading. The course comes with a radar gun, a book to test your speed, and a brick to hold the gas pedal down while you are reading.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm currently devising a course on speed reading. The course comes with a radar gun, a book to test yourself on, and a brick to hold the gas pedal down while you are reading.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm currently devising a course on speed reading. The course comes with a radar gun, a book to test yourself on, and a brick to hold the gas pedal down while you are reading. Try not to get pulled over though.
-Jarod Kintz
I took two courses last semester. Of course one course was intercoarse.
-Jarod Kintz
Thanks, Social Ghost. I'm glad we're friends now. So if we ever hang out, seeing as you are a social ghost, nobody will see me talking to you. They'll just think that I am talking to myself, which works out perfectly since I'm the madman anyway.
~The Madman
-Jarod Kintz
Struggling Author: You and I should date. You should start my novel for me, get the flow going, and then I'll take over from there. You can be the KY jelly for my writing. You know, get the story all lubed up so I can just squeeze right in nice and easy.
-Jarod Kintz
Lex, the Eccentric: I save my toe nail clippings in shoe boxes. Then, when I collect enough clippings, I press and glue them all together to form a canvas of sorts, which then fills me with a sense pride as I begin painting my toenails.
-Jarod Kintz
Lex, the Eccentric: "The growth and decay of art": I save my toe nail clippings in shoe boxes. Then, when I collect enough clippings, I press and glue them all together to form a canvas of sorts, which then fills me with a sense pride as I begin painting my toenails.
-Jarod Kintz
Rich, the Musician: Lex, I also save my toenail clippings. And I inherited all of my grandparents clippings, as well as their toes, too(long since decayed). I keep them in large Tupperware containers. I'll donate them to you so you can continue your painting.
-Jarod Kintz
the Tupperware Woman: As I like to tell people, "If you've gotta save the nails of your toes, Tupperware's the way to go."
-Jarod Kintz
Uncle Samantha: I've got your KY jelly swetheart. I use it as lipgloss, and I promise I know how to lube you up better than you've ever had. As a writer, a man of words, you must be a mouthful ;)
-Jarod Kintz
I'm currently devising a course on Braille speed reading. But I recommend having speed bumps built into the reading material, so you don't read too fast. That's why I tell students to wear ribbed condoms before their bedtime Braille reading sessions. You see, the secret to getting the most out of your reading is the rapid repetitive movements of the wrist.
I don't know what it is about beautiful music that always makes my legs go numb. I think it's because I like the grunting sounds that obese women make as the sit on my legs.
I don't know what it is about beautiful music, but every time I hear any, I freeze; and it almost literally paralyzes me. I think it's because I like the orchestra of engines and screeching tires that rush hour traffic brings.
I think the magic was gone in our relationship once I figured out that that wasn't a magic wand she was always pointing at me, but was actually her bony index finger. And also, that mysterious black cat that slept and hissed on her head wasn't a cat at all. It was really her toupee.
-Jarod Kintz
I wasn't as afraid of the funny hat, as I was of the man standing directly under it. Men in funny hats can not be trusted, especially when you are talking about a business deal involving a half a ton of frozen toe nail clippings and six troughs filled with urine and cheeze wiz. But that's just my opinion. I could be as wrong as I was on the midget meltdown fiasco of '97.
-Jarod Kintz
The robots who mold my cheese informed me that the revoluton will first be whispered on the breath of the weepiong willows. Look for the sign in the sky. A cloud shaped like Richard Wagner will play a symphony, and then, and only then, will we know it is time to stand up and take over the cheese factory.
-Jarod Kintz
Yes, he is the father, and I am the son. Through the father who begets the son who inherets the father's other son through another mother, that's the way it has been now, since the beginning, and forever.
Nobody takes the time to make room for toe nails and troughs in their lives anymore. Topical oils and cremes can only get you so far in this world.
-Jarod Kintz
If courage were fingers, I'd be a white glove stained crimson with blood.
My ex girlfriend had long, graceful fingers like a pianist, and long, shapely legs like a runner. And she had some other body parts too, but I only really remember one.
In a girl, I'd never trade too small qualities for one large quantity. Although, fat chicks are usually the funniest.
If I lived in the middle ages, and I was a ship builder, I would argue against making boats out of wood, because trees are also made out of wood. And trees are notorious for not moving very fast, if indeed they move at all. Instead, I would make my boats out of deer. And they'd be graceful and swift and look great mounted on my wall.
I was with my girl at the checkout line at the super market when the cashier asked me, "Paper or plastic?" I thought for a second before looking up and replying, "Both. and let me get a pack of condoms too while I'm thinking about it."
The odds of meeting someone even slightly odd is dead even with the odds of meeting someone slightly normal. and if you're not odd, you're normal, or even. But if your partner is odd, then no matter what you do, together you two will be odd, because an even plus an odd is an odd. And, of course, this statement isn't odd, at least to a person who's completely odd.
-Jarod Kintz
As a band, we've decided to play music specifically for deaf people, so there is no need for sound proofing the garage. And to save money, we've decided to use all air equipment: guitars, drums, even the synthesizer will be an air instrument. And we've also opted for spandex pants to give us that much needed stage presence. Air spandex of course. We feel the deaf crowd will really see it in our genitals when we hit some of our air notes. Plus, we do a lot of flopping around on stage, so they should enjoy that.
On a side note, Darren, the lead Bassist, has been missing since after breakfast. Edna, his mother, noticed he was gone when she saw he had vomited his breakfast up in his shoes. Darren, just like the rest of the band, knows that a stomach full of air is better than a stomach full of vomit. But until he returns, we are one man short(actually two men short if you cound Bernardo, who has no legs).
So I'm looking for a replacement for the gig tonight. We're going to rock a retirement home! Send an air email if interested.
-Jarod Kintz
I want a girl who can gargle flaming torches while belching the Canadian national anthem and Chugging Sam Adams beer. And do all of this while riding a bull that's riding a unicycle that's balanced on a clothes line full of wet newspapers with articles about how Canada just took over the world.
-Jarod Kintz
People think she left me for a used car salesman, but she didn't. She left me for a used car. But in her defense, it did have really low mileage.
-Jarod Kintz
Friends are like underwear to me. I never lose them, I just out grow them and then leave them in the dryer for grandmother to find.
-Jarod Kintz
With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers that is.
Everywhere I go I'm too focused on everyone else to realize that they are too focused on themselves. And by everyone else I basically mean myself. It's hard to think about someone else when that someone else reminds you of you.
-Jarod Kintz
I have never loved a woman so deeply as the moment I watched her slip out of my life and into the canyon below. But I did get some great parting pictures.
-Jarod Kintz
I have never loved a woman so deeply as the moment I watched her slip out of my life and into the canyon below. But at least I did manage to get some great parting pictures.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to disassemble lots of assembly lines, and then reassemble them on larger assembly lines.
I'd like to disassemble an assembly of people, and then reasseble them in a box that was bound for India.
If I could disassemble people, and then write the instruction manual for reassembling them, I'd write it in German. That way, when people went to those free internet translation sites to translate my instructions, their final product would be all jumbled up. They'd have arms where the legs were supposed to be, the nose would be on the forehead, and the liver would be a bottle of whiskey.
I wish I could disassemble people. Then I would reassemble them using the person's own hand. That way the person felt like he had a hand in his own destiny.
My uncle just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.
-Jarod Kintz
My uncle's a big drinker. In fact, he just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.
-Jarod Kintz
In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers that could flick long-range boogers.
-Jarod Kintz
Hi, I'm Jarod, and I like to paint still lifes while running on my hands (I have fingers for toes).
I also love potato chips and I have a phobia of another potato famine happening.
If sanity were hair, I'd be bald most days. But I'd proudly wear my wig of normality. It'd be a mullet wig that was bright yellow, and reeked of dog piss from a dog that I'd have eaten weeks ago.
It goes without saying I guess that I love Chinese food.
-Jarod Kintz
Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzs agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Rose,
Some famous bard once asked, What's in a name? That which we call a Rose by any other name would be someone else entirely. And they would probably wonder why I am writing to them and calling them Rose.
As a young lad in the neighborhood, we used to play kick ball. I was always a team captain. But for my picks, I always picked flowers. Mostly Daisys. There were six Daisys that lived in the neighborhood (all sisters). But if you lived in the neighborhood I would surely have picked you, because after a hard game those Daisys didn't smell as good as a Rose would have smelled. The last I heard the Daisys opened up a floral shop called, "Stinky Flowers."
Sometimes I wish that you had Multiple Personality Disorder, with eleven other personalities, because how great would it be to say, "Hey, I'm friends with a dozen Roses." (I haven't talked to flowers in years. Not since that one camping trip where my father left me in Yellowstone National Park).
Well, it was great chatting with you. I'm going to do a little gardening now.(Atually, I'm going to dig up my neighbor' garden, along with their house and relocate it to New Jersey, which apparently is the Garden State).
Talk to you later,
Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
Nearly all of the men I admire are dead, because admiration is fueled by mystery. And what's more mysterious than death? Nothing. Well, besides women, of course.
-Jarod Kintz
If anger were money, only a fool would greedily save it up. And a wise man would let it slip out of his heart like change slips out of his pants pockets.
-Jarod Kintz
Upon seeing me eat a steak, a vegerarian once commented that the sight made her throw up a little in her mouth. I told her not to swallow her vomit, but to spit a little out and let me spread it all over my steak since I was out of steak sauce. She did, and it was good.
-Jarod Kintz
Only a fool would trade his cow for a large jar filled with grass blades and a tall glass of milk. But an even bigger fool would eat all the grass and drink all of the milk in one sitting. I was once that glutonous fool.
I want to design sleeveless jackets for armless men. I'm still trying to work out how they would zip it up though.
-Jarod Kintz
Any advice I might give a depressed person comes in the form of cyanide, and usually is a bit hard for them to swallow.
-Jarod Kintz
If seduction were a science, she'd have me cumming in test tubes, even though I'd be masturbating under a microscope.
-Jarod Kintz
The greatest joy in the world is to give the gift of laughter at any cost, even death by way of sawing someone's arms off with a piece of paper from the IRS telling them that they owe $40,000 dollars in back taxes.
I would be a more spontaneous gift giver, if someone figured out how to give the gift of combustion. Every year I'd get a new boss, on bosses day, because every year I'd give the gift of spontaneous combustion. And I'll smoke his cigars while he enjoys his present!
My new hobby is collecting hobbies. Hey, don't judge me! At least I don't collect pictures of grandmothers pooping on Persian rugs! Or go around collecting mucus that I've picked from my nose with my toes. Your carpet is covered in boogers! My socks, once pure white, were green by the time I left your house.
A fat piece of fudge once told his cheesecake girlfriend, "I'll never desert you," to which she replied, "I don't think I can date you. You're too cheesy for even me." Then that fat piece of fudge retorted, "I'm lactose intolerant anyways, bitch."
I am quite possibly the world's bravest coward. I have never backed down from backing down from a fight.
Most people fight with their fists. But I fight with my legs. I fight to stay, but they fight to run. Luckily for them, I don't fight very hard.
I'm into mixed martial arts. I just wish they made better equipment to accommodate my style of fighting. They need to combine boxing gloves with running shoes, that way I can deliver more runaway power.
I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb's so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.
every best selling author should hug a lumberjack, unless they sold only e-books.
I hate it when I drop a call, but that's what happens when I keep my phone in my pocket and I drop my pants. It seems I drop my pants way too often during important business deals.
I thought the last girl I took out gave me a warm fuzzy feeling in my pants until I looked and saw that it was actually a tarantula. I feel good in my decision not to take her home, but rather to step on her.
The only time it's OK to be stingy and horde something is when you are talking about blame. I tell this to everyone I work with.
Hell is a cold heart and a warm beer. Heaven is just the opposite.
Restrictiveness inhibits innovation. At least that's what I told my boss as I pointed to his tight slacks. He then pointed to my exposed genitalia and said, "And this kind of freedom inhibits digestion." He then made me clean up his vomit before firing me.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Viktor,
You can always think what you want, and what you want to think. But you should never only think what you want to think, or want what you only think you want, unless you think you already know everything or your only want is to think. There, I think I said waht I wanted to say. At least I want to think I said what I think.
Dear Jarod,
I think what you wanted to say and what I think you wanted to think about saying were one and the same. But I'm still confused as to what you were really trying to say. Is this about your missing bicycle? The one where the frame was made out of Cocoa Puffs? You know I saw a picture of your missing bicycle on the back of a milk carton. But I think they put it there not to help find your chocolaty bike, but rather to help sell milk. Anyway, the bicycle has been missing as long as Mr. Fizzlebush, so maybe he rode off with it. It's just a thought, whether you want to think about it or not.
I've been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.
I often quote myself and people ask me, "Did you think of that on the spot?" "Yes, " I reply, "just not this spot."
I want a bed that tells time because I always thought it would be great to have sex on the clock.
Telling a dog not to shit on your carpet is like paying a teenage couple minimum wage to sit in the backseat of a car and telling them not to have sex on the clock.
My girlfriend must think goals are like pairs of shoes, that you can never have too many. That, plus she loves stepping all over mine.
I wish clothing were made not from cloth, but from gases, like flatulence, for a lone example. that way, when I shit my pants, it would be virtually undetectable.
Dear Renaldo,
I'd just like to say how appalled I am that you barged in on me in the shower and tried to take pictures of me for the tabloids. Good thing I was wearing Grandmother's bathing suit! (Although, now my crotch itches). Can you get lice from potato salad?
Were you aware that my Grandmother's crotch smells like fish? Tolapia. Grilled Tolapia specificaly. That reminds me, what are you doing for dinner tonight? Our neighbor's dog left us a few biscuits in our yard that you can heat up in the microwave later on. (Just don't throw them against the wall again).
I'll be home around 3:00, and most likely I'll want potato salad. Yesterday I found one of your pubic hairs in my potato salad. I know it wasn't one of mine because I keep my pubic hair with my pasta in a Ziplock bag stored in my safe (you can never be too careful these days).
Well, I'll see you when I get home.
~Jarod
-Jarod Kintz
I can relate to volcanoes. And I think everyone can. Everyone wants to erupt at the people around them every once in a while.
-Jarod Kintz
Two eyes: People with two eyes generally se better than people with one eye. They make better drivers and politicains. (Who wants to vote for a guy with one eye?)
One eye: People with one eye generally tend to be dicks. They can't see as well, but they tend to be more focused in life. They make the worst possible Air Traffic Controllers due to their lack of depth perception. And they are constantly winking at people. They pick up more women at bars because everytime they blink, they are always winking at someone.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm rubbing one out thinking about you. Yes you! But I ran out of vasoline so I'm using canned cat food. Is that wrong?
-Jarod Kintz
Somebody once asked me where I come up with my stuff. I replied, "Who knows? Where does yellow snow come from? It's just a gift from God I guess."
-Jarod Kintz
I want to grow a Fu Manchu mustache by December, as well as my New Years resolution for next year will be to successfully grow and cultivate a unibrow. These two fashoin icons, as well as the mullet I'll be rocking should be the perfect symmetry I'll need when sporting my Spandex and bowling shoes. Oh yeah, when I go out, I go out in style.
I want to be able to move one eye brow at a time, but instead of working my facial muscles in the mirror and practicing, I think I'm just going to nurture and cultivate a unibrow.
To walk a mile in the shoes of a man with three feet takes timing and coordination.
-Jarod Kintz
In my dreams I always get the girl ... a coffee.
You can call me anything you'd like, just don't call me while I'm sleeping.
I don't understand why fat women wear skimpy clothing. I just want to tell them, The only way any man would want to get into your pants is if you've got a buffet and a full bar down there, which isn't too improbable judging from the size of your waste.
A woman needs a man in her life like she needs batteries for her dildo.
-Jarod Kintz
My mother is the most creative and imaginative person in the world. She has to be to have conceived me.
-Jarod Kintz
The Mythical Mr. Boo likes riding horses. Horses with horns. He's a mythical cowboy. Would any of you ladies like to be Mr. Boo's saddle? Just send him a message telling him why you should be his saddle. Maybe he'll respond, and maybe your message will just disappear like a plane off the Bermuda Triangle. (Mr. Boo lives in a pyramid right on Bermuda's beach.)
--Jarod Kintz
I just saw a man who was too ugly for words to describe. So I took his picture really quickly then took off just as quick. I ran like a rabbit who had carrots for legs.
People should invest in their futures and avoid speculation on their past.
Love is a pile of white feathers lying in a muddy puddle that our imaginations transform into a giant peacock soaring through a cloudless summer sky.
The blue sky was alive with lust. The wind was caressing my hair and breathing softly down my neck. The green leaves were teasing my soft pink nipples. And the bottle of Viagra was empty, and all of the sudden my Spandex shorts were way too tight.
I go into strip clubs to donate blood...to my penis.
Our destinies were intertwined like the knot in the shoes of a retarded school boy.
If a man steals from the market, you might cut off his hand. But if a man steals your heart, what should you cut off? Maybe the blood supply to his penis?
-Jarod Kintz
Aristotle said that the mark of a true genius is someone who can create metaphors to enrich the human understanding. That stanza, to me anyway, was pure poetic persperation that was worthy to fal off the brow of even Aristotle himself.
-Jarod Kintz
A journey on an elevator is the quickest way to transcend and ascend into the great above without taking a single step upwards or vertically asserting yourself.
This morning I walked into an elevator to find a blind, one-fingered man shouting and pointing his finger at an armless man who only had one eye. (I think he was wearing a monocle, too.) They were arguing about how to best get to their respective floors.
Fortunately for them, I was wearing my cheerleading outfit, and had my boom box, so I broke into my "Teamwork" cheer. Shortly after, motivated by my movements and style, the Cyclops was able to direct the blind man's finger as to where all the buttons to all our floors were, while I continued to gyrate my pelvis and shake my palm palms in encouragement. It really was a beautiful thing.
Shortly after exiting the elevator I sat down to scribble down my surreal experience on a the bottom of my shoe (I only wear one, so that my perspective on the world is always slanted).
-Jarod Kintz
I often wonder what it would be like to be naked and riding bareback on a horse, through a forest of naked trees. Naked as in all the bark stripped from them. I'd ride like this through all four seasons and endure all four elements. Finally, I'd arrive at a great beast of a tree, whose bark was like fur and whose leaves were like fire. And I would run up to this tree and embrace it like a lover. And it would wrap it's branches around me and I would urinate on its trunk. The tree would become me and I would become the tree, in the sense that eventually I would start urinating on my own leg, and the tree would do the same. This is a dream I had the other night before being rudely woken up by a team of midgets that was pulling a carriage of exotic dancers who had ridden all night just to dance for my pleasure. But I told them to piss off, that I'd rather spend the rest of my night with my loving tree.
If history repeats itself, then the future is nothing more than the past in reverse.
It's hard to think outside the box when you are in an elevator.
For all canines, Pavlov took the "bell" out of rebellion.
-Jarod Kintz
"Your vagina feels so good I don't ever want to pull out."
"You can stay in as long as you want."
"Four months?"
"I love sex. You can stay in four years if you want."
"Consider it rented out then. I'll move in next Thursday."
The surgery went well,
the blood still dripping like spittle
and you, standing there like a God
with four heads (yours being the little, middle one).
My ex girlfriend
and I fought. Sometimes
fighting can be a beautiful
thing. Look at it this way.
Within a 24 hour
time period, the night
fights with the day
to control the sky,
and sunsets
are the outcome
of that struggle.
What's the greatest part about being Jarod Kintz? Wow! What an awesome question on a survey! Thanks for asking. Well, I'd say the greatest part about being Jarod Kintz is waking up every day and being able to laugh first thing in the morning. That's because the first thing I do when I get up is take a piss, and I can't help but laugh as I look down and see Mr. Wee (named for his diminutive stature, and his Asiatic slit for an eye hole) go wee wee.
-Jarod Kintz
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