Great comic! What a hunk. Did he pose for you? I would love to get his number if you have it. I love it when I can curl up on a mans belly comfortably!
I love hanging out at random places. Meeting random people. Saying random things. Eating ice cream with a pitchfork and then slaughtering an entire isolated village of idiots. And a cow. -Jarod Kintz
As a woman I feel free to use my breasts as a weapon. So does my boyfriend though. He is doing time for killing a midget by way of a booby trap. The midget won't ever be thirsty again.
I'd like to recruit you to my revolution. Bring your weapon of choice. Bring your breasts. You can lob them at our elected officials. I'll bring the pinecones and the granola bars for which to stab them with. It's time to liberate ourselves. Are you with us? We meet on Tuesday nights at the park. Bring a friend, and some cinnamon gum-trust me-you'll need it. -Jarod Kintz
An armoire of one, huh? Can I enlist in the revolution? I've made up my mind and a lot hinges on this decision. I can become a splinter cell. -Jarod Kintz
I would like to join this army. I am great with a gun. Are pets allowed? My mosquito would be great at defending the enemy. Those moths tend to mean business.
I would like to join this army. I am great with a gun. Are pets allowed? My mosquito would be great at defending the enemy. Those moths tend to mean business.
I would like to join this army. I am great with a gun. Are pets allowed? My mosquito would be great at defending the enemy. Those moths tend to mean business.
Yes, plus moths eat our uniforms. Our uniforms are not very fierce, they are my old high school band costumes. Anybody know how to play the drums? I am bringing my trombone to the revolution. Do you know how many people die every year at the hands of a crazy man wielding a trombone? At least seven last year that I know of.
I lost my brother sadly to the great trombone accident of 95', may he rest in peace. I have taught my self how to play the drums and I am already working on our warrior song it will be Cyndi Lauper inspired. One question, do the uniforms come in petite?
Yes, plus moths eat our uniforms. Our uniforms are not very fierce, they are my old high school band costumes. Anybody know how to play the drums? I am bringing my trombone to the revolution. Do you know how many people die every year at the hands of a crazy man wielding a trombone? At least seven last year that I know of. -Jarod Kintz
I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I remember the trombone acident of '95. He shouldn't have crossed the revolution. He did die in vain, as we left him a giant mirror. We left him and his piano in the middle of the street. The police fingered him for the mayhem which we caused. -Jarod Kintz
As soon as she walked in the room, everyone turned their head to behold the yellow awe of the woman who would soon be married. Across the room, horn blowing permeated the air as Susan, the bride to be, rolled elegantly through the center of the room on her shiny, red tricycle. “Congratulations Butterbreasts,“ Bonko the Bizarrsonist said as he lit his red hair on fire. “Thanks Bonko, you crazy old clown you,” Butterbreasts smiled as she pedaled like an elephant walking a tightrope. There were over thirty of the finest clowns in the greater London area, as well as a fine assortment of weirdoes, eccentrics, as well as several know perverts and sex offenders. Larry, one of the most notorious “bird watchers” in all of England sat sulking in the corner. He always had a face that looks like he just pissed himself, and ninety percent of the time, he did. “I’d love to honk your horn, sweetheart,” Larry called out from the shadows of his seat. “I’d love to get you out of them diapers, and smooth your buttery breasts all over my sausage.” “Hey, jackass, today is about Butterbreasts,” Wendell the Gothic Mime spoke up. “We’re all tired of you creeping around at our conventions and birthday parties. And the way you look at the little boys is despicable.” -Jarod Kintz
As soon as I careened throught the doors, and into the room, all these sick sons of bitches turn to look at me. I don’t even know how they all got here. And who is that freak in the diapers lurking in the shadows like a used condom in the waste basket. Or three used condoms in the wastebasket. God my fiancé was amazing last night. “Congratulations, Butterbreasts,” Bonko the Bizarrsonist says as he lights his red hair on fire. Who the fuck is that? Another one of Leonard’s crazy friends. “Thanks, you crazy old clown you,” I smile and keep pedaling. There are over thirty of the dirtiest, clowns in the London area, as well as numerous junkies, and some really perverted old men. Then, from out of the darkened corner, the tiny little man who is wearing the diapers speaks up. “I’d love to honk your horn, sweetheart,” he wails out at me. “I’d love to get you out of them diapers, and smooth your buttery breasts all over my sausage.” “Hey, jackass, today is about Butterbreasts,” this mime that was dressed like Maralyn Manson in all black and lipstick speaks out. “We’re all tired of you creeping around at our conventions and birthday parties. And the way you look at little boys is -Jarod Kintz
Her red hair shined like all the eyes of the lustful men as she moved past them with the scent of sex pulsing off her long legs. As she stepped into the bathroom, looked into the mirror and flicked her cigarette, she said to herself, "you've got them. Pull it together Berthulda." -Jarod Kintz, Lauren Zimpel
If your partner is into taking pictures, and they say it's so they can remember the sex, you should stop meeting women at the retirement home. -Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend likes foreplay before sex, but I get so tired of playing scrabble. I tried to talk her into chess of backgammon, but she said that was a bit too kinky for her. -Jarod Kintz
Men, and women view Sex differently—usually the woman Is looking strait ahead, while The man is looking down From behind, and men, As a whole, view Sex as three holes. My banker says Sex is like investing—sometimes it Takes little or no money, Just a lot of haggling, and I say, Sex, like business, is better with multiple partners. I think Sex is great with anyone— so long as it’s with me. I think Sex is for extroverts, while masturbation Is for introverts, but sometimes Sex is like applause—you’ve got to Give yourself a hand. And I like Sex when the girl is begging-- There’s just something erotic about homeless women. When Sex is Freon any occasion it usually Involves something dripping And toxic—at least that’s what My mechanic tells me, and he Just turned forty-two, and He tells me that birthday Sex is amazing, and that everyday Somebody has a birthday, and I Can party all year long—just Remember to wrap my package. I think marriage will be the dearth of Sex as I once knew it. I think in a relationship Sex is the stairs, while love is the railing— One is good exorcize and will Take you to a higher place, while The other gives you something To hold on to. But after fifty Years of marriage, I can’t think Of a better way to die than having Sex—I just hope my wife isn’t there to see me. -Jarod Kintz
Friends are like money. You can never have too much or too many, you always want them/it to work for you, and they/it might be imabinary, but the feeling they bring is real. -Jarod Kintz
A man with ambition wants to work his way up from the bottom. A man of intelligence starts well above the middle and works his way to the top from there. -Jarod Kintz
I met a pirate with a wooden leg who was afraid of termites. He had a parrot with a wooden beak who was afraid of saws. They got offended when I tried to introduce them to my lumberjack friend. -Jarod Kintz
It's not everyday that a man gets to make love to a woman as beautiful as my girlfriend. She's very busy, you'll have to make an appointment. -Jarod Kintz
Most people underestimate the value of freindship. Not me, I'd say it's worth around 10,000 dollars, but I'd be willing to let it go for around 9,500 if you have cash. -Jarod Kintz
I once spoke to a pirate who said friends are one of life's few treasures. And as such, they should be promptly buried in the sand, after you cut them up and split them among all those on your ship. -Jarod Kintz
Girlfriends are like shoes. You need to tie them up before you can truly break them in. And don't step all over them, just in case you decide to return them from where they came from, even if you found them in the gutter. -Jarod Kintz
I like to think of myself as a people person. I collect friends. I keep them in jars full of Formaldehyde, as I tap on the glass and fondly remember them. -Jarod Kintz
I bought my wife on ebay last week. She came in a smaller box than I imagined. They said two to three days, so when she was late I got all excited. My life will definitely change now that I am going to be a father. -Jarod Kintz
I had an uncle who died just after joining the mile high club. He never was that great of a pilot to begin with. That, plus the cockpit was too tiny to acomodate all those flight attendents and livestock. -Jarod Kintz
When my friend Derick and I go out to lunch, we always find strange things in our soup. The other day he found three fingernails in his, and I found three fingers and a bowling ball in mine. Although I didn't realize it until I was almost finished eating, I felt heavy all day long. -Jarod Kintz
When I wake up in the morning I get angry as I look in the mirror because I don't like the man looking back at me. I really need to get rid of my two-way mirror. -Jarod Kintz
A new sex position is like tin foil. It is a great way to keep things fresh, and, like tin foil, it has a way of catching people's eyes in well lit areas. -Jarod Kintz
The male genitalia is like a shiny spoon. It has a way of catching people's eyes when flashed in well lit areas, fits nicely into most mouths and other bodily crevices, and is very dangerous to always want to stick it in things like microwaves and other people's wives. -Jarod Kintz
When you own your own business, not only do you make your own rules, but you get to see your boss naked every morning. And on cold mornings you can laugh all you want because you can't fire yourself. -Jarod Kintz
He was the most arrogant man I've ever seen. he spoke in third person as he sat here writing this sentence. But at least he didn't bother me so much that I couldn't think. -Jarod Kintz
I was so hopped up on adrenaline and caffeine this morning that I failed to notice that I left the house without wearing any pants. Then, after dropping my nephew off at school, I got a flat tire. An officer pulled up behind me and he helped me get the chain off the frame of my bike. He was nice, he let me off with just a warning and a hand job. -Jarod Kintz
I never seem to finish anything I start, whether it's a bottle of shampoo, the last of the milk in the carton, or even sex. Take last night, for example, I was with my girlfriend and we had just pulled into the -Jarod Kintz
When I was growing up my mother was such a cold person when she'd breast feed me I got ice-cream. I'm still trying to figure out where the strawberries came from. -Jarod Kintz
I have this blown up map of my penis in my closet. Two feet equals a half an inch. It's just over eight feet, but it's folded and wrinkled. -Jarod Kintz
Last night in bed, my girlfriend asked me to pound it out. I looked at her and said, "I don't know, baby. Maybe 115-120, but that's just a rough estimate." Yeah,I slept on the couch last night. -Jarod Kintz
catholic high school girls probably wish they had knees on their hips. Then they wouldn't mind wearing skirts that come up to their knees. -Jarod Kintz
If coldness is softness, and softness is sadness, and sadness is lonliness, and all midgets are lonely, then a frozen midget is the softest, saddest thing you will ever see. -Jarod Kintz
If i found a bleeding bunny, I might say, don't cry little bunny, your fur will grow back, and your flesh will heal. And you will grow another foot to replace the one that was chopped and taken from you. But you can never recover from the sadness of watching your mother being run over by a parade of circus clowns marching along the interstate, and followed by the high school marching band and fourteen rowdy dwarfs on roller blades. Learn from this lesson, and go and have a rematch with that turtle, I think you can beat him with only three feet. -Jarod Kintz
-Time is the biggest killer known to man. He's a patient assassin too. His weapon of choice is the watch. That's why I say we ban watches in schools. THey are the most beautiful and elegant weapons of mass destruction known to man. Rolex and Movado, Seiko and Timex should all be held responsible for the deaths, and future deaths, of everyone who has worn their weapons on their wrists.
-A female bowling ball with an extra hole is not a mutant American, but an alien in this land. A complete four-in-her.
-I took my car to the mechanic. He told me he needed to balance my tires for me. I told him he could balance my tires only if I could juggle his wrenches. I couldn't, so he didn't.
-Whenever I'm about to get into a fight, I always pray to God to give me the courage to be weak enough to walk away.
-Some people pray to God to make them big enough to walk away from a fight. Not me. I pray to God to make me big enough to make the other person walk away from the fight.
-A caravan of diplomats deliberately discoursing the dogma of democracy and descretely dissing the destitute and downtrodden, for whom they held in disdain were dashingly destroyed, or rather they were all dilligantly discombubulated by daredevils from Detroit.
-If aliens ever do announce their presence here on earth, I wonder what their political stance would be. Would they be democrat or republican? Capitalist or socialist? Would they be in favor of monarchy or anarchy? Maybe they would be apoilitical and all they'd want to do is build a spaceship out of a double cheeseburger and fly over India taunting the Gods, I mean cows.
-Too many fish sizzling in the fryer Tooo many kittens tumbling in the dryer Too much brown out on the farm Too much chicken, not enough parm Too many loves for one lifetime Too much drowning, not enough lifelines Too much saliva, not enough kissing Too many beers, not enough fishing Too many "Too muches" up in this poem and if "Too many" were fruit, I'd like to grow them.
-Jesus didn't come to earth to save the whales. Our sins are water, and God's the pail. And who's to carry this heavy bucket? WHy the ubiqutous Jesus, found in everything from big hearts to the tiniest lint in pockets.
-I'd like to buy round after round of beers for all the men at the round table, get them drunk, then take them square dancing.
-I want a toilet on wheels, so that this Halloween I can go as Elvis at the final momentsw of his life.
-If aliens really do exist, and they are little green men, if one hid in your nose, do you think you'd be able to pick him out?
-I have a phobia of hyperchondria, and I'm a hyperchondriac with all phobias. Except I'm not afraid of spyders, unless they are hyperchondriacs.
-I've never seen a rabbit win the lottery, or catch a crazy Ace on the river card. I've never seen a rabbit eat a carrot cake made by Carrot top, and then find out that his rich uncle has justr died and just left him a milion dollars. I never have and I never will. Rabbits just aren't that lucky. That's why I carry a human foot on the end of my keychain. And it's the foot of a champoin sprinter too, because I felt very lucky to have chased him down while lugging a chainsaw. -Jarod Kintz
Politics are like shoes. On one side you have the left, and on the other side you have the right. And every politician is essentially a shoe salesman trying to sell you one shoe, either the left or the right, whichever one he stands for. So I guess the only people who vote with complete confidence on election day are the ones with only one leg, and who's political stance matches their needs exactly. But I must say, a person loses a lot of personal freedom when they only have one leg.
I always worked better alone, in the bathroom stall, when I worked at the Vaseline factory.
Standing on the hill I saw a thousand and one male faces. Then I heard a thousand cries from a thousand men about a thousand erectile dysfunctions. But then, in the midst of the sorrow, I saw his golden face lit up like an angel's. And this man was holding his arms angled at his sides. And in his hands, he was proudly displaying his raging erection. That's when I knew my work there was done. -Jarod Kintz
I want to create a vodka called, "Alone," because then I'd go around telling people, "Rough day? It'd have been a better day if uou woke up and started drinking Alone."
Someone once said there is safety in numbers. Ha! Tell that to my friend who, when being held up at gunpoint, pulled out his calculator from his pocket and got shot in the leg.
In the same way mold attaches itself to a rock and becomes part of it, so I like to become part of my community. Just don't slip up around me, it might be your downfall.
I like giving food to hungry animals. It's better than watching them starve, right? I mean nobody wants to watch that. I should know. I used to film animals that I would starve for weeks in my basement while I filmed them slowly dying. And I tried to sell it to the networks as the latest "Reality TV" but they wouldn't even see me. -Jarod Kintz
On any given Saturday night, bowling is the second most fun thing you can do that involves three of your fingers and three tight holes. The first, of course, would be picking the nose of a three-nostriled Cyclops.
I asked my girlfriend's father for his permission to have his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me why I only wanted her hand in marriage, and not the rest of her? I said because her hand's about all I can afford having in my shallow pockets.
It's not hard to conceive that the mind is like Play Dough by any stretch of the imagination.
I don't understand people who golf in the rain. I wouldn't let a perfectly good thing be ruined by something so silly as a club, a little white ball, and a many tiny holes.
Walking up to the salon, John could hear the rowdy crowd that was in there. The excitable voices seemed to be carried on the backs of a thousand midgets riding three legged camels. Not since his return from Saudi Arabia had he heard such a ruckus. As he pushed open the wooden gate-like doors, the saloon fell silent. Everyone turned to look at him, including the piano player as well as the Tony Danza impersonator. "Whatcha got in that bag there, mister?" a nervous old man asked. "Wouldn't you like to know?" John shot his response like a bullet from his six shooter. He then sauntered over to the bar. "I know I would," came a booming voice from the corner of the room. then a big ape-like man rose and shoved his chair back as it squealed across the wooden floor. This huge ape-like man was wearing a full gorilla costume, and his chrome guns sparkled and contrasted off his black costume. "There's going to be a duel," someone shouted. But there wasn't going to be a duel, not in this story, because the author is too tired and ready to go to bed.
She fed me some lines, but they only served to constipate the conversation.
A symphony of sausages played over the splattering of grease by a conductor/chef with no magic wand to wave at the sausage, no pans, and no pants.
I used to mix business with pleasure, but those days of sheep farming are long gone.
(Pic of me wearing a Spartacus type ancient Greek costume standing in front of the Army recruiter’s office): "I'm ready to serve and fight for my country."
A cop pulled me over last night and asked me if I was driving under the influence. "Yes," I replied, "As a matter of fact I am. I'm listening to my role model, Frederick Nietzsche, on CD and he is quote intoxicating."
If a space ship full of aliens came down to earth to ask me three very important questions to add to their universe-wide collection of knowledge, I'd hope one of those questions would be, How does a high school swimmer with elephantitus of the genitals feel about wearing Speedos?
My ex girlfriend used to tell me that I had the worst meal time conversation skills. but the problem was not my ability to communicate, the problem was the meatloaf's ability to respond.
My girlfriend is like my favorite blanket: I found her at the flea market, spread out on a table. That plus all my friends like to sleep with her.
I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss) and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich.
My grandfather always used to ask me if I wanted a knuckle sandwich? "Yes please," I'd always reply. "With extra mayo, hold the arthritis."
Dear Kiteboarder.com, I've always been a fan of kite boarding ever since I can remember (which isn't that long since I suffer from amnesia). Kite boarding is a unique sport that mixes kits with boards. Benjamin Franklin loved kites. And Milton Bradley loved boards. I think if Milton Bradley stood on the shoulder's of Benjamin Franklin, together they'd make the ultimate kite boarder, after Helen Keller of course (I can imagine she'd have a very natural feel for it). I once tried eating a three-course meal while kite boarding, but my napkin kept getting soggy and, like my freshmen year of college, I think I failed the first two courses. The judges were judging on technique, style, and table manners (it's really hard kite boarding with a table!) I am sitting here typing now and I have no idea what I am saying or who I am writing to. I forgot everything I just told you. I think I may have forgotten to go to the bathroom again. Let me check. Yep, my napkins are soggy again. well, I'd better go change myself whoever you are (I suffer from amnesia). -Jarod Kintz
(I'm wearing a grey shirt and grey pants that I've painted a solid yellow stripe down the middle. My arms are painted black as well and I'm lying on my back in a parking space in a parking lot so that the stripe on the ground is in line with the stripe on my shirt.) :The NEW American Dream: To devise a scheme to successfully sue somebody out of their hard earned money. I can't wait for the first person to come along and double park on my chest!
(I'm at a park wearing a dog costume and Mr. Boo is walking me): Just enjoying a stroll in the park. PLus, I just pionched a loaf in your father's loafers. -Jarod Kintz
Every salesman talks about target market. But gun salesmen talks about moving target markets.
The American consumer market is obese with diet programs. If only Americans spent as much time watching what they ate as they do watching TV, there wouldn't be this glut in weight loss programs.
If laughter were a penis, I'd have a really big laugh right now. But as it is, anybody who's seen my penis is the one who got the really big laugh.
Memory is like the pond in my back yard. It's just there for retention.
If you catch me talking in my sleep, your conversation bored me.
An impatient man always appears to run through life, while a patient man appears to be constantly crawling. At first glance it would seem that one would accomplish a great deal more than the other until you realize that the patient man is crawling on an endless conveyer belt, in the same direction that it's moving, while the impatient man is running on a tread mill.
I'm the most patient impatient man ever. I'll probably spend my whole life waiting to become patient.
Women love to talk. I'll bet Van Gogh had a woman. And I'll bet she talked his ear off! -Jarod Kintz
I want to take a picture of my girlfriend wearing nothing but two bows, one on each breast, and wrapping paper cut out in the shape of a thong, like a picture I took back in early 2001. Except for this time, instead of unwrapping her, I'm going to give her away.
I dated this one girl who wouldn't let me get in her pants because she had stitched mouse traps onto her panties. I told her, That's OK, I have a cheese dick. And I do.
Unless you just got out of the shower at the airport, I'm going to be suspicious of anyone with a towel on their head.
the craziest place I've ever had sex was inside the dream of a woman in an insane asylum. I know she had this dream because she was having it in my dream, which I was having while sleeping in the insane asylum. Every bit of that is true, except for the part I made up, which was everything but me being asleep once, because that, unlike sex, happens to me every night.
Someday I want to write the Boston Marathon of run on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it. -Jarod Kintz
Getting into a shouting match with a guy who owes you money is like being an albino who is holding a sundial. It’s a quick way to get burned. -Jarod Kintz
People always want to know where I’m originally from. Well, I’m from two places actually. Half of me hails from a population of a million, and the other half of me is from a one egg kind of town.
Important life decisions should be made like everything else is made, by an underpaid Chinese laborer.
I don't understand road rage. Although you can’t remember, the traffic's never as bad as your first time out of Daddy’s dick.
I like shooting in and out of traffic, like a sperm racing down the fallopian tube.
People always want to know where I’m originally from. Well, I’m from two places actually. One of them was small and insignificant, and the other one was always cramped and restrictive.
I never date women who’ve dated my friends, because all my friends are imaginary. And I don’t date liars.
I’ve never dated anyone of my friend’s girlfriends, I’ve only ever dated two of them. -Jarod Kintz
America has a large amount of cancer cases, right? And America also has a large population of homeless people, right? And who do all the scientists cite as the first to get cancer? Rats, right? And who lives among the homeless people? You guessed it--rats! That’s why I believe that homeless people cause cancer. I mean come on, Sweet N Low, gasoline vapors, nicotine? When was the last time you ever saw a rat puffing on a cigarette? And forget putting warning labels on packs of cigarettes. They should start putting warning labels on currency. WARNING: Giving this dollar to a homeless person greatly increases the risk of getting cancer. So you really want cancer? Don’t bum a cigarette off of someone. Bum a bum. You could be like, “Hey, buddy, got any spare bums? I just had some amazing sex, and I could sure go for a bum right now." -Jarod Kintz
I once saw a naked woman riding down the street on a horse, and that was the first time that any animal has ever given me an erection.
I once saw a naked woman riding down the street on a motorcycle, and that was the first time that a motorcycle has ever given me an erection. -Jarod Kintz
Nobody liked to play Spin the Bottle with me in middle school because I used a Coke bottle and whenever the bottle would stop spinning I’d pick it up and spray everyone in the face with it.
Nobody liked to play Spin the Bottle with me in middle school because I’d always argue to let the bottle just sit on the table because technically if the Earth was spinning then so was the bottle.
We had an enchanted evening. At dawn’s break, the fog was spread out over the meadow like the marshmallow cream I spread all over her body before I unleashed the cage of bees and ran off into the safety of the bushes to watch. -Jarod Kintz
We had an enchanted evening. At dawn’s break, the fog was spread out over the meadow like the marshmallow cream I spread all over her body before I unleashed the cage of bees and sprinted off into the safety of the bushes to watch. -Jarod Kintz
I once saw a naked woman riding down the street on a motorcycle, and I think that was the first time that a motorcycle has ever given me an erection. -Jarod Kintz
The smell of dirty laundry is nostalgically erotic for me, as it reminds me of hiding in the hamper of my best friend’s sister’s room in high school to watch her weight lift for hours. Although she never won, she was by far the sexiest competitor in the Mr. Universe contest. -Jarod Kintz
Just because I shake my head violently, doesn't mean there is an earthquake.
As she stood there, shaking in the doorway, I thought her body was simply cold. Little did I know it turned out to be an earthquake. Well I might have known sooner if I wasn't duct taped to the wall and my body numb all over from ovicane.
It was so cold that my teeth were chettering. Apparently they were having discourse about blankets.
Allan ginsberg had no use for witty metaphors, no profound insights, nothing but a jumble of ramblings thrown up against the poetic wall like a rotten, stinky watermelon. But I flatter him too much.
John Kerry couldn't look more dishonest even if he tried. Well, maybe if he smiled every once in a while.
Every time I go out to San Fransisco, there always seems to be an earthquake right as I step off the plane. Maybe it's because my father's always there, jumping up and down, waiting to greet me.
I want to spend my 50th wedding annaversary doing what old people do best: forgetting. -Jarod Kintz
If I were a crime scene investigator, I’d love to come to work to find that a man dressed in a giant Oreo costume had been drowned in a pool of milk. And it would be at that moment that I would not denounce cannibalism, because I’d probably want to devour and consume him. -Jarod Kintz
I had a meeting with my lawyer the other day. He has a face like a chameleon, and he was wearing camouflage fatigues. I was so happy I saw him that I had to shoot him.
A stitch in time saves nine, especially when sewing the crotch of your day. And by crotch I mean communicating with your significant other, who, if you don’t communicate with, becomes a nagging itch that tears at the fabric of your being.
Like a tree watching an approaching forest fire, I was so terrified that I couldn’t move.
I may not remember what you wore on that first night, but how can I forget your eyes? They were as green as a forest, a forest I later imagined myself running around as an old man. Of course I’d be pants less! Just as I was when you met me. I was as naked as a savage, but you tamed the beast in me. Do you remember all the late night drives? Where I’d rant as we listened to Something Corporate, Howie Day, and 30 Seconds to Mars? Mars, a place you must have thought I was from, not because I’m a man, but because I’m always so distant, a one-man solar system, revolving around myself. Yet you possessed a force that beckoned me to orbit around you, with your sexy eyes, and the way your body glistened when you were naked, the same way the moonlight flowed like milk over your creamy skin that night on the fort in St. Augustine. And I was Ponce de Leon himself that night and you were the New World, and you were all mine for the taking, but instead of spreading religion and civilization, I only spread your legs. But after I felt a whole lot more civilized as we walked around the graveyards searching for ghosts. I guess the only ghosts I’ll ever see now is the ghost of you, in cemetery of my cerebellum. -Jarod Kintz
If an elephant shit in your toilet, he’d clog it up for sure. It’s the same way with ideas. I don’t want any huge, gray elephants of ideas running around my brain clogging up my thoughts. I want quick, clever, fox like thoughts, and that’s what this email is all about. I need your help in taking some pictures. I’ve already gotten the supplies, and those are as follows: one pair of cheap jeans, one cheap t-shirt, one can of white spray paint, and two cans of charcoal colored spray paint. The concept: I spray-paint the shirt and pants to match the color of pavement, and then spray paint a white stripe down the center of both. Then you take pictures of me in the Wal-Mart parking lot lying on the line of a parking space so that the line of the space lines up with the line on my clothing. It’s the new American dream--lying around waiting for that one big paycheck. And whether I get it or not, either way I’ll be crushed. Oh God I hope somebody double parks on my chest. ~Jarod
Dear Edmond,
I daresay I have some dreadful news for you. Very soon you might be hearing some rather nasty rumors about someone who looks just like me taking your girlfriend out on a date! How scandalous indeed! Well, it’s no rumor. I saw them too! And I must say that the resemblance that dastardly fellow bears to me is downright scary. When I spotted them together I did a double take as I thought it was my twin, and his body is still rotting in the pond out back so it really freaked me out. And another thing too. This guy, who looks and walks exactly as I do, also wore the same shirt I have. You know, the one with the red flowers, red humming birds, and two purple people having sex on it? And it would have given me Goosebumps if I hadn’t recently shaved my entire body using your razor and shaving cream. My condolences on your girlfriend. Who’d have thought she was such a whore? I had my suspicions before yesterday, but after last night they all proved to be 100% true. Well, talk to you later, ~Jarod
Dear Ebert,
I’m only going to ask you this one more time. Please do NOT vomit in my undergarments anymore, especially not while I’m wearing them. The other day I had to walk around for hours smelling the wafts of your vomit float up to my nostrils amidst the humidity and heat. I must confess that I could tell exactly what you had eaten. Some nuts, berries, and some powdered milk, right? And the more I smelled it, the hungrier I got, until finally, after much deliberation, I stole some acorns away from a mildly retarded squirrel and ate them in the comfort of the women’s bathroom. It was there that I scraped off my underwear (which by that time were dried and crusty) and hung them on the hook in the stall like some post modern masterpiece. Then I pissed on the seat and left without washing my hands as I walked around greeting all the elderly people that were just milling around. Well, just thought you should know. ~Jarod
There can’t be perfect weather all the time. One can’t fully appreciate the good weather without the bad. We need sunny days every once in a while just so we can fully marvel at the power of a thunderstorm. -Jarod Kintz
168 Comments:
So funny! Great drawing. Love the man boobs.
Funny comic!
this comic is fat!
It doesn't take much for this kid to "lose my breath."
He sure has some junk in his trunk. He is bootylicious! Great comic. Very funny.
he's so filthy, but yet at a second glance slightly erotic.
Jarod, is that a self portrait representative of your glutonous nature?
-Metaphysic Phil
Phil,
No no, it's just who I aspire to be. I'm workin on it.
Great comic! What a hunk. Did he pose for you? I would love to get his number if you have it. I love it when I can curl up on a mans belly comfortably!
Suzie
I wish he hung around my park!
-Sammy
Yeah, he is so much fun to play on the see-saw with. If he jumps you can fly literally 20 ft!
Funny comic! I love the smooth lines. These comics are very different.
Whoa! It's the white boy version of me. Very Funny, Now i'm hungry.
Ruben Stuttard
Fucking horrible ! ! !
I love hanging out at random places. Meeting random people. Saying random things. Eating ice cream with a pitchfork and then slaughtering an entire isolated village of idiots. And a cow.
-Jarod Kintz
A concept taken from the freezer of your subconcious, and warmed in the microwave of your mind for hours, should be well thought out.
-Jarod Kintz
Giving birth is said to be the most magical expierence a woman can go through. Especially if you are giving birth to a hundred year old wizard.
Lauren Zimpel
For some women shopping is an addiction. All I have to say to that is...denial, denial,denial ladies!!!
As a woman I feel free to use my breasts as a weapon. So does my boyfriend though. He is doing time for killing a midget by way of a booby trap. The midget won't ever be thirsty again.
I'd like to recruit you to my revolution. Bring your weapon of choice. Bring your breasts. You can lob them at our elected officials. I'll bring the pinecones and the granola bars for which to stab them with. It's time to liberate ourselves. Are you with us? We meet on Tuesday nights at the park. Bring a friend, and some cinnamon gum-trust me-you'll need it.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm not an abusive life partner. Bitch, you know I kneed you.
-Jarod Kintz
An armoire of one, huh? Can I enlist in the revolution? I've made up my mind and a lot hinges on this decision. I can become a splinter cell.
-Jarod Kintz
I would like to join this army. I am great with a gun. Are pets allowed? My mosquito would be great at defending the enemy. Those moths tend to mean business.
Let Me Know.
I would like to join this army. I am great with a gun. Are pets allowed? My mosquito would be great at defending the enemy. Those moths tend to mean business.
Let Me Know.
I would like to join this army. I am great with a gun. Are pets allowed? My mosquito would be great at defending the enemy. Those moths tend to mean business.
Let Me Know.
Yes, plus moths eat our uniforms. Our uniforms are not very fierce, they are my old high school band costumes. Anybody know how to play the drums? I am bringing my trombone to the revolution. Do you know how many people die every year at the hands of a crazy man wielding a trombone? At least seven last year that I know of.
I lost my brother sadly to the great trombone accident of 95', may he rest in peace. I have taught my self how to play the drums and I am already working on our warrior song it will be Cyndi Lauper inspired. One question, do the uniforms come in petite?
Let Me Know
Yes, plus moths eat our uniforms. Our uniforms are not very fierce, they are my old high school band costumes. Anybody know how to play the drums? I am bringing my trombone to the revolution. Do you know how many people die every year at the hands of a crazy man wielding a trombone? At least seven last year that I know of.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I remember the trombone acident of '95. He shouldn't have crossed the revolution. He did die in vain, as we left him a giant mirror. We left him and his piano in the middle of the street. The police fingered him for the mayhem which we caused.
-Jarod Kintz
Yes I know, he was a great man. Some called him the Piano Man. Though he resembled Billy Idol alot more than Joel.
I got a hope chest for my guniea pig.
As soon as she walked in the room, everyone turned their head to behold the yellow awe of the woman who would soon be married. Across the room, horn blowing permeated the air as Susan, the bride to be, rolled elegantly through the center of the room on her shiny, red tricycle.
“Congratulations Butterbreasts,“ Bonko the Bizarrsonist said as he lit his red hair on fire.
“Thanks Bonko, you crazy old clown you,” Butterbreasts smiled as she pedaled like an elephant walking a tightrope.
There were over thirty of the finest clowns in the greater London area, as well as a fine assortment of weirdoes, eccentrics, as well as several know perverts and sex offenders.
Larry, one of the most notorious “bird watchers” in all of England sat sulking in the corner. He always had a face that looks like he just pissed himself, and ninety percent of the time, he did. “I’d love to honk your horn, sweetheart,” Larry called out from the shadows of his seat. “I’d love to get you out of them diapers, and smooth your buttery breasts all over my sausage.”
“Hey, jackass, today is about Butterbreasts,” Wendell the Gothic Mime spoke up. “We’re all tired of you creeping around at our conventions and birthday parties. And the way you look at the little boys is despicable.”
-Jarod Kintz
As soon as I careened throught the doors, and into the room, all these sick sons of bitches turn to look at me. I don’t even know how they all got here. And who is that freak in the diapers lurking in the shadows like a used condom in the waste basket. Or three used condoms in the wastebasket. God my fiancé was amazing last night.
“Congratulations, Butterbreasts,” Bonko the Bizarrsonist says as he lights his red hair on fire.
Who the fuck is that? Another one of Leonard’s crazy friends. “Thanks, you crazy old clown you,” I smile and keep pedaling.
There are over thirty of the dirtiest, clowns in the London area, as well as numerous junkies, and some really perverted old men.
Then, from out of the darkened corner, the tiny little man who is wearing the diapers speaks up. “I’d love to honk your horn, sweetheart,” he wails out at me. “I’d love to get you out of them diapers, and smooth your buttery breasts all over my sausage.”
“Hey, jackass, today is about Butterbreasts,” this mime that was dressed like Maralyn Manson in all black and lipstick speaks out. “We’re all tired of you creeping around at our conventions and birthday parties. And the way you look at little boys is
-Jarod Kintz
Her red hair shined like all the eyes of the lustful men as she moved past them with the scent of sex pulsing off her long legs. As she stepped into the bathroom, looked into the mirror and flicked her cigarette, she said to herself, "you've got them. Pull it together Berthulda."
-Jarod Kintz, Lauren Zimpel
I sold my soul to Satan, and Uncle Sam taxed me on it. At least Lucifer gave me a fair deal.
-Jarod Kintz
Back to back sex is only good if you have a dick on your spine.
-Jarod Kintz
If your partner is into taking pictures, and they say it's so they can remember the sex, you should stop meeting women at the retirement home.
-Jarod Kintz
After 50 years of marriage what better way to die than during sex? I just hope your spouse is understanding.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is the best gift a child can recieve on Christmas.
-Jarod Kintz
I can't remember the last time I had sex I've been so busy these past few minutes.
-Jarod Kintz
Men and women view sex differently. Usually the woman is looking strait ahead, while the man is looking down from behind.
-Jarod Kintz
Since birthday sex is great, and everyday somebody has a birthday, you can party all year long. Just remember to wrap your package.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend likes foreplay before sex, but I get so tired of playing scrabble. I tried to talk her into chess of backgammon, but she said that was a bit too kinky for her.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is so easy even a child can do it by himself. But not two children, that complicates things.
-Jarod Kintz
It's not what you say that will get you laid, it's what you spell. Especially when picking up women at a scrabble competition.
-Jarod Kintz
Men, and women view
Sex differently—usually the woman
Is looking strait ahead, while
The man is looking down
From behind, and men,
As a whole, view
Sex as three holes. My banker says
Sex is like investing—sometimes it
Takes little or no money,
Just a lot of haggling, and I say,
Sex, like business, is better
with multiple partners. I think
Sex is great with anyone—
so long as it’s with me. I think
Sex is for extroverts, while masturbation
Is for introverts, but sometimes
Sex is like applause—you’ve got to
Give yourself a hand. And I like
Sex when the girl is begging--
There’s just something erotic
about homeless women. When
Sex is Freon any occasion it usually
Involves something dripping
And toxic—at least that’s what
My mechanic tells me, and he
Just turned forty-two, and
He tells me that birthday
Sex is amazing, and that everyday
Somebody has a birthday, and I
Can party all year long—just
Remember to wrap my package.
I think marriage will be the dearth of
Sex as I once knew it. I think in a relationship
Sex is the stairs, while love is the railing—
One is good exorcize and will
Take you to a higher place, while
The other gives you something
To hold on to. But after fifty
Years of marriage, I can’t think
Of a better way to die than having
Sex—I just hope my wife isn’t there to see me.
-Jarod Kintz
Women's t-shirt: I wish my breasts were as large as your ego.
Guys t-shirt: I wish my ego were as large as my penis.
Women's t-shirt: I've got the best pair (pic of two Aces, one over each breast).
-JArod Kintz
Friends are like money. You can never have too much or too many, you always want them/it to work for you, and they/it might be imabinary, but the feeling they bring is real.
-Jarod Kintz
Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, you you can choose whether it is smooth or crunchy.
-Jarod Kintz
If luck isn't on your side, you'd better make sure a huge pile of cash is.
-Jarod Kintz
They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why I shit my pants everytime I hear someone talking in a foreign language.
-Jarod Kintz
Fear is like a car. Either you control it, or you let it paralyze you.
-Jarod Kintz
A man of action doesn't take it from his couch, unless he's getting it from his wife.
-Jarod Kintz
A man with ambition wants to work his way up from the bottom. A man of intelligence starts well above the middle and works his way to the top from there.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to have ambition before I lost my keys.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to have drive before I lost my keys. Now I ride in the passenger seat, but at least I don't have to pay for gas.
-Jarod Kintz
Coins beget coins. Keep flipping them like hamburgers, or they'll get burned up.
-Jarod Kintz
I met my wife in Vegas last year, we had lunch, and I haven't seen her since.
-Jarod Kintz
A pickpocket can never steal from a man wearing spandex."
-Jarod Kintz
I met a pirate with a wooden leg who was afraid of termites. He had a parrot with a wooden beak who was afraid of saws. They got offended when I tried to introduce them to my lumberjack friend.
-Jarod Kintz
A man with a wooden leg always carries a big stick.
-Jarod Kintz
It's not everyday that a man gets to make love to a woman as beautiful as my girlfriend. She's very busy, you'll have to make an appointment.
-Jarod Kintz
Most people underestimate the value of freindship. Not me, I'd say it's worth around 10,000 dollars, but I'd be willing to let it go for around 9,500 if you have cash.
-Jarod Kintz
I once spoke to a pirate who said friends are one of life's few treasures. And as such, they should be promptly buried in the sand, after you cut them up and split them among all those on your ship.
-Jarod Kintz
Girlfriends are like shoes. You need to tie them up before you can truly break them in. And don't step all over them, just in case you decide to return them from where they came from, even if you found them in the gutter.
-Jarod Kintz
When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to think of myself as a people person. I collect friends. I keep them in jars full of Formaldehyde, as I tap on the glass and fondly remember them.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't keep my dreams in jars anymore, they shatter too easily. I now keep them in Tupperware, so they stay fresh longer.
-Jarod Kintz
I bought my wife on ebay last week. She came in a smaller box than I imagined. They said two to three days, so when she was late I got all excited. My life will definitely change now that I am going to be a father.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend made me deaf. Her hair was really loud, and she was always trying to get more volume out of it.
-Jarod Kintz
I had an uncle who died just after joining the mile high club. He never was that great of a pilot to begin with. That, plus the cockpit was too tiny to acomodate all those flight attendents and livestock.
-Jarod Kintz
unlike oil, love is a renewable resource. However, in a relationship, you can still burn it all up.
-Jarod Kintz
When sex has lost its spark, you've got to question whether you are a match or not.
-Jarod Kintz
When my friend Derick and I go out to lunch, we always find strange things in our soup. The other day he found three fingernails in his, and I found three fingers and a bowling ball in mine. Although I didn't realize it until I was almost finished eating, I felt heavy all day long.
-Jarod Kintz
I just woke up and my girlfriend said, "nice hair." I said Thanks, it takes me about six to eight hours every night to do my hair.
-Jarod Kintz
When I wake up in the morning I get angry as I look in the mirror because I don't like the man looking back at me. I really need to get rid of my two-way mirror.
-Jarod Kintz
Alcohol always makes me lose my inhibitions as well as my pants. It's a god thing too because that's where I keep my keys.
-Jarod Kintz
A new sex position is like tin foil. It is a great way to keep things fresh, and, like tin foil, it has a way of catching people's eyes in well lit areas.
-Jarod Kintz
The male genitalia is like a shiny spoon. It has a way of catching people's eyes when flashed in well lit areas, fits nicely into most mouths and other bodily crevices, and is very dangerous to always want to stick it in things like microwaves and other people's wives.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is like sliding a cue tip in and out of a straw. Rape is like stuffing a midget in a cannon, and not even bothering to shoot him out.
-Jarod Kintz
Teach a monkey to use the toilet and you've got a great pet. Teach a monkey to throw a fastball and you've "just added insult to injury."
-Jarod Kintz
Alcohol is a great way to pass the time and pass out. I always end up getting naked when I drink, which is usually just with my grandpa.
-Jarod Kintz
Grandpa used to say it's better to give than to recieve, except with oral sex.
-Jarod Kintz
Last night I made my girlfriend cum 9 times. That's got to be some kind of record. 9 times in just under three minutes.
-Jarod Kintz
My long distance relationships always last as long as the phone call.
-Jarod Kintz
The root word of confrontation is front. I always avoid confrontation, and attack people's backs.
-Jarod Kintz
When you own your own business, not only do you make your own rules, but you get to see your boss naked every morning. And on cold mornings you can laugh all you want because you can't fire yourself.
-Jarod Kintz
He was the most arrogant man I've ever seen. he spoke in third person as he sat here writing this sentence. But at least he didn't bother me so much that I couldn't think.
-Jarod Kintz
If children are the future, and you are a babysitter who can see the children, are you also a psychic?
-Jarod Kintz
I was so hopped up on adrenaline and caffeine this morning that I failed to notice that I left the house without wearing any pants. Then, after dropping my nephew off at school, I got a flat tire. An officer pulled up behind me and he helped me get the chain off the frame of my bike. He was nice, he let me off with just a warning and a hand job.
-Jarod Kintz
If I ever run for President, I'm only going to have midgets as part of my cabinet because they fit easier than normal sized people.
-Jarod Kintz
I never seem to finish anything I start, whether it's a bottle of shampoo, the last of the milk in the carton, or even sex. Take last night, for example, I was with my girlfriend and we had just pulled into the
-Jarod Kintz
If God had wanted man to make eye contact, he would have put women's nipples in place of their eyelids.
-Jarod Kintz
When I was growing up my mother was such a cold person when she'd breast feed me I got ice-cream. I'm still trying to figure out where the strawberries came from.
-Jarod Kintz
Growing up, my father and I had a great relationship, at least until he went and slept with someone else.
-Jarod Kintz
Not only did she constantly throw her two cents in, but she always doubled her money.
-Jarod Kintz
My penis' name is Pride. Personally, I think every woman should be filled with Pride.
-Jarod Kintz
I've never had cybersex. My penis won't fit in the USB port, at least not without lots of lubrication.
-Jarod Kintz
There are many problems in America today, two of which stand out in my mind. Yeah, they live on either side of me.
-Jarod Kintz
His courage was undeniable. He didn't run away like the rest of them. Nevermind the fact that he was in a wheelchair.
-Jarod Kintz
Don't ever sell yourself short. Sell yourself long, and charge by the inch.
-Jarod Kintz
I have this blown up map of my penis in my closet. Two feet equals a half an inch. It's just over eight feet, but it's folded and wrinkled.
-Jarod Kintz
Last night in bed, my girlfriend asked me to pound it out. I looked at her and said, "I don't know, baby. Maybe 115-120, but that's just a rough estimate." Yeah,I slept on the couch last night.
-Jarod Kintz
My wife and I fell out of love rather quickly. It was in the three minutes I was sleeping with my secretary.
-Jarod Kintz
catholic high school girls probably wish they had knees on their hips. Then they wouldn't mind wearing skirts that come up to their knees.
-Jarod Kintz
If coldness is softness, and softness is sadness, and sadness is lonliness, and all midgets are lonely, then a frozen midget is the softest, saddest thing you will ever see.
-Jarod Kintz
If i found a bleeding bunny, I might say, don't cry little bunny, your fur will grow back, and your flesh will heal. And you will grow another foot to replace the one that was chopped and taken from you. But you can never recover from the sadness of watching your mother being run over by a parade of circus clowns marching along the interstate, and followed by the high school marching band and fourteen rowdy dwarfs on roller blades. Learn from this lesson, and go and have a rematch with that turtle, I think you can beat him with only three feet.
-Jarod Kintz
I was immaculately conceived. Not a drop was spilled from the bottle of semen.
-Jarod Kintz
don't spill your semen on my shoe
-Jarod Kintz
-Time is the biggest killer known to man. He's a patient assassin too. His weapon of choice is the watch. That's why I say we ban watches in schools. THey are the most beautiful and elegant weapons of mass destruction known to man. Rolex and Movado, Seiko and Timex should all be held responsible for the deaths, and future deaths, of everyone who has worn their weapons on their wrists.
-A female bowling ball with an extra hole is not a mutant American, but an alien in this land. A complete four-in-her.
-I took my car to the mechanic. He told me he needed to balance my tires for me. I told him he could balance my tires only if I could juggle his wrenches. I couldn't, so he didn't.
-Whenever I'm about to get into a fight, I always pray to God to give me the courage to be weak enough to walk away.
-Some people pray to God to make them big enough to walk away from a fight. Not me. I pray to God to make me big enough to make the other person walk away from the fight.
-A caravan of diplomats deliberately discoursing the dogma of democracy and descretely dissing the destitute and downtrodden, for whom they held in disdain were dashingly destroyed, or rather they were all dilligantly discombubulated by daredevils from Detroit.
-If aliens ever do announce their presence here on earth, I wonder what their political stance would be. Would they be democrat or republican? Capitalist or socialist? Would they be in favor of monarchy or anarchy? Maybe they would be apoilitical and all they'd want to do is build a spaceship out of a double cheeseburger and fly over India taunting the Gods, I mean cows.
-Too many fish sizzling in the fryer
Tooo many kittens tumbling in the dryer
Too much brown out on the farm
Too much chicken, not enough parm
Too many loves for one lifetime
Too much drowning, not enough lifelines
Too much saliva, not enough kissing
Too many beers, not enough fishing
Too many "Too muches" up in this poem
and if "Too many" were fruit, I'd like to grow them.
-Jesus didn't come to earth to save the whales. Our sins are water, and God's the pail. And who's to carry this heavy bucket? WHy the ubiqutous Jesus, found in everything from big hearts to the tiniest lint in pockets.
-I'd like to buy round after round of beers for all the men at the round table, get them drunk, then take them square dancing.
-I want a toilet on wheels, so that this Halloween I can go as Elvis at the final momentsw of his life.
-If aliens really do exist, and they are little green men, if one hid in your nose, do you think you'd be able to pick him out?
-I have a phobia of hyperchondria, and I'm a hyperchondriac with all phobias. Except I'm not afraid of spyders, unless they are hyperchondriacs.
-I've never seen a rabbit win the lottery, or catch a crazy Ace on the river card. I've never seen a rabbit eat a carrot cake made by Carrot top, and then find out that his rich uncle has justr died and just left him a milion dollars. I never have and I never will. Rabbits just aren't that lucky. That's why I carry a human foot on the end of my keychain. And it's the foot of a champoin sprinter too, because I felt very lucky to have chased him down while lugging a chainsaw.
-Jarod Kintz
Politics are like shoes. On one side you have the left, and on the other side you have the right. And every politician is essentially a shoe salesman trying to sell you one shoe, either the left or the right, whichever one he stands for. So I guess the only people who vote with complete confidence on election day are the ones with only one leg, and who's political stance matches their needs exactly. But I must say, a person loses a lot of personal freedom when they only have one leg.
I always worked better alone, in the bathroom stall, when I worked at the Vaseline factory.
Standing on the hill I saw a thousand and one male faces. Then I heard a thousand cries from a thousand men about a thousand erectile dysfunctions. But then, in the midst of the sorrow, I saw his golden face lit up like an angel's. And this man was holding his arms angled at his sides. And in his hands, he was proudly displaying his raging erection. That's when I knew my work there was done.
-Jarod Kintz
I have hangers for feet, that's why I don't wear socks, I wear shirts on my feet. That's also the reason my shirts always stink so bad.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to create a vodka called, "Alone," because then I'd go around telling people, "Rough day? It'd have been a better day if uou woke up and started drinking Alone."
Someone once said there is safety in numbers. Ha! Tell that to my friend who, when being held up at gunpoint, pulled out his calculator from his pocket and got shot in the leg.
In the same way mold attaches itself to a rock and becomes part of it, so I like to become part of my community. Just don't slip up around me, it might be your downfall.
I like giving food to hungry animals. It's better than watching them starve, right? I mean nobody wants to watch that. I should know. I used to film animals that I would starve for weeks in my basement while I filmed them slowly dying. And I tried to sell it to the networks as the latest "Reality TV" but they wouldn't even see me.
-Jarod Kintz
On any given Saturday night, bowling is the second most fun thing you can do that involves three of your fingers and three tight holes. The first, of course, would be picking the nose of a three-nostriled Cyclops.
I asked my girlfriend's father for his permission to have his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me why I only wanted her hand in marriage, and not the rest of her? I said because her hand's about all I can afford having in my shallow pockets.
It's not hard to conceive that the mind is like Play Dough by any stretch of the imagination.
I don't understand people who golf in the rain. I wouldn't let a perfectly good thing be ruined by something so silly as a club, a little white ball, and a many tiny holes.
Walking up to the salon, John could hear the rowdy crowd that was in there. The excitable voices seemed to be carried on the backs of a thousand midgets riding three legged camels. Not since his return from Saudi Arabia had he heard such a ruckus.
As he pushed open the wooden gate-like doors, the saloon fell silent. Everyone turned to look at him, including the piano player as well as the Tony Danza impersonator.
"Whatcha got in that bag there, mister?" a nervous old man asked.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" John shot his response like a bullet from his six shooter. He then sauntered over to the bar.
"I know I would," came a booming voice from the corner of the room. then a big ape-like man rose and shoved his chair back as it squealed across the wooden floor. This huge ape-like man was wearing a full gorilla costume, and his chrome guns sparkled and contrasted off his black costume.
"There's going to be a duel," someone shouted.
But there wasn't going to be a duel, not in this story, because the author is too tired and ready to go to bed.
She fed me some lines, but they only served to constipate the conversation.
A symphony of sausages played over the splattering of grease by a conductor/chef with no magic wand to wave at the sausage, no pans, and no pants.
I used to mix business with pleasure, but those days of sheep farming are long gone.
(Pic of me wearing a Spartacus type ancient Greek costume standing in front of the Army recruiter’s office): "I'm ready to serve and fight for my country."
A cop pulled me over last night and asked me if I was driving under the influence. "Yes," I replied, "As a matter of fact I am. I'm listening to my role model, Frederick Nietzsche, on CD and he is quote intoxicating."
If a space ship full of aliens came down to earth to ask me three very important questions to add to their universe-wide collection of knowledge, I'd hope one of those questions would be, How does a high school swimmer with elephantitus of the genitals feel about wearing Speedos?
My ex girlfriend used to tell me that I had the worst meal time conversation skills. but the problem was not my ability to communicate, the problem was the meatloaf's ability to respond.
My girlfriend is like my favorite blanket: I found her at the flea market, spread out on a table. That plus all my friends like to sleep with her.
I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss) and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich.
My grandfather always used to ask me if I wanted a knuckle sandwich? "Yes please," I'd always reply. "With extra mayo, hold the arthritis."
Dear Kiteboarder.com,
I've always been a fan of kite boarding ever since I can remember (which isn't that long since I suffer from amnesia).
Kite boarding is a unique sport that mixes kits with boards. Benjamin Franklin loved kites. And Milton Bradley loved boards. I think if Milton Bradley stood on the shoulder's of Benjamin Franklin, together they'd make the ultimate kite boarder, after Helen Keller of course (I can imagine she'd have a very natural feel for it).
I once tried eating a three-course meal while kite boarding, but my napkin kept getting soggy and, like my freshmen year of college, I think I failed the first two courses. The judges were judging on technique, style, and table manners (it's really hard kite boarding with a table!)
I am sitting here typing now and I have no idea what I am saying or who I am writing to. I forgot everything I just told you. I think I may have forgotten to go to the bathroom again. Let me check. Yep, my napkins are soggy again. well, I'd better go change myself whoever you are (I suffer from amnesia).
-Jarod Kintz
(I'm wearing a grey shirt and grey pants that I've painted a solid yellow stripe down the middle. My arms are painted black as well and I'm lying on my back in a parking space in a parking lot so that the stripe on the ground is in line with the stripe on my shirt.) :The NEW American Dream: To devise a scheme to successfully sue somebody out of their hard earned money. I can't wait for the first person to come along and double park on my chest!
(I'm at a park wearing a dog costume and Mr. Boo is walking me): Just enjoying a stroll in the park. PLus, I just pionched a loaf in your father's loafers.
-Jarod Kintz
Every salesman talks about target market. But gun salesmen talks about moving target markets.
The American consumer market is obese with diet programs. If only Americans spent as much time watching what they ate as they do watching TV, there wouldn't be this glut in weight loss programs.
If laughter were a penis, I'd have a really big laugh right now. But as it is, anybody who's seen my penis is the one who got the really big laugh.
Memory is like the pond in my back yard. It's just there for retention.
If you catch me talking in my sleep, your conversation bored me.
An impatient man always appears to run through life, while a patient man appears to be constantly crawling. At first glance it would seem that one would accomplish a great deal more than the other until you realize that the patient man is crawling on an endless conveyer belt, in the same direction that it's moving, while the impatient man is running on a tread mill.
I'm the most patient impatient man ever. I'll probably spend my whole life waiting to become patient.
Women love to talk. I'll bet Van Gogh had a woman. And I'll bet she talked his ear off!
-Jarod Kintz
I want to take a picture of my girlfriend wearing nothing but two bows, one on each breast, and wrapping paper cut out in the shape of a thong, like a picture I took back in early 2001. Except for this time, instead of unwrapping her, I'm going to give her away.
I dated this one girl who wouldn't let me get in her pants because she had stitched mouse traps onto her panties. I told her, That's OK, I have a cheese dick. And I do.
Unless you just got out of the shower at the airport, I'm going to be suspicious of anyone with a towel on their head.
the craziest place I've ever had sex was inside the dream of a woman in an insane asylum. I know she had this dream because she was having it in my dream, which I was having while sleeping in the insane asylum. Every bit of that is true, except for the part I made up, which was everything but me being asleep once, because that, unlike sex, happens to me every night.
Someday I want to write the Boston Marathon of run on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.
-Jarod Kintz
Getting into a shouting match with a guy who owes you money is like being an albino who is holding a sundial. It’s a quick way to get burned.
-Jarod Kintz
I can hardly wait to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary, 49 years after I get divorced.
-Jarod Kintz
People always want to know where I’m originally from. Well, I’m from two places actually. Half of me hails from a population of a million, and the other half of me is from a one egg kind of town.
Important life decisions should be made like everything else is made, by an underpaid Chinese laborer.
I don't understand road rage. Although you can’t remember, the traffic's never as bad as your first time out of Daddy’s dick.
I like shooting in and out of traffic, like a sperm racing down the fallopian tube.
People always want to know where I’m originally from. Well, I’m from two places actually. One of them was small and insignificant, and the other one was always cramped and restrictive.
I never date women who’ve dated my friends, because all my friends are imaginary. And I don’t date liars.
I’ve never dated anyone of my friend’s girlfriends, I’ve only ever dated two of them.
-Jarod Kintz
Cigarettes are a scapegoat!
America has a large amount of cancer cases, right? And America also has a large population of homeless people, right? And who do all the scientists cite as the first to get cancer? Rats, right? And who lives among the homeless people? You guessed it--rats!
That’s why I believe that homeless people cause cancer. I mean come on, Sweet N Low, gasoline vapors, nicotine? When was the last time you ever saw a rat puffing on a cigarette?
And forget putting warning labels on packs of cigarettes. They should start putting warning labels on currency. WARNING: Giving this dollar to a homeless person greatly increases the risk of getting cancer.
So you really want cancer? Don’t bum a cigarette off of someone. Bum a bum. You could be like, “Hey, buddy, got any spare bums? I just had some amazing sex, and I could sure go for a bum right now."
-Jarod Kintz
I once saw a naked woman riding down the street on a horse, and that was the first time that any animal has ever given me an erection.
I once saw a naked woman riding down the street on a motorcycle, and that was the first time that a motorcycle has ever given me an erection.
-Jarod Kintz
Nobody liked to play Spin the Bottle with me in middle school because I used a Coke bottle and whenever the bottle would stop spinning I’d pick it up and spray everyone in the face with it.
Nobody liked to play Spin the Bottle with me in middle school because I’d always argue to let the bottle just sit on the table because technically if the Earth was spinning then so was the bottle.
We had an enchanted evening. At dawn’s break, the fog was spread out over the meadow like the marshmallow cream I spread all over her body before I unleashed the cage of bees and ran off into the safety of the bushes to watch.
-Jarod Kintz
We had an enchanted evening. At dawn’s break, the fog was spread out over the meadow like the marshmallow cream I spread all over her body before I unleashed the cage of bees and sprinted off into the safety of the bushes to watch.
-Jarod Kintz
I once saw a naked woman riding down the street on a motorcycle, and I think that was the first time that a motorcycle has ever given me an erection.
-Jarod Kintz
If my girlfriend had breasts for hands I'd hold her hand all day long.
-Jarod Kintz
High school was just a series of naps seperated by the bells that signified the end of class.
-Jarod Kintz
Defining a generation of madness can be reduced to Degeneration.
-Jarod Kintz
The smell of dirty laundry is nostalgically erotic for me, as it reminds me of hiding in the hamper of my best friend’s sister’s room in high school to watch her weight lift for hours. Although she never won, she was by far the sexiest competitor in the Mr. Universe contest.
-Jarod Kintz
Just because I shake my head violently, doesn't mean there is an earthquake.
As she stood there, shaking in the doorway, I thought her body was simply cold. Little did I know it turned out to be an earthquake. Well I might have known sooner if I wasn't duct taped to the wall and my body numb all over from ovicane.
It was so cold that my teeth were chettering. Apparently they were having discourse about blankets.
Allan ginsberg had no use for witty metaphors, no profound insights, nothing but a jumble of ramblings thrown up against the poetic wall like a rotten, stinky watermelon. But I flatter him too much.
John Kerry couldn't look more dishonest even if he tried. Well, maybe if he smiled every once in a while.
Every time I go out to San Fransisco, there always seems to be an earthquake right as I step off the plane. Maybe it's because my father's always there, jumping up and down, waiting to greet me.
I want to spend my 50th wedding annaversary doing what old people do best: forgetting.
-Jarod Kintz
Whenever I play water polo wearing chain mail, I’m always a bit rusty.
-Jarod Kintz
If I were a crime scene investigator, I’d love to come to work to find that a man dressed in a giant Oreo costume had been drowned in a pool of milk. And it would be at that moment that I would not denounce cannibalism, because I’d probably want to devour and consume him.
-Jarod Kintz
I had a meeting with my lawyer the other day. He has a face like a chameleon, and he was wearing camouflage fatigues. I was so happy I saw him that I had to shoot him.
A stitch in time saves nine, especially when sewing the crotch of your day. And by crotch I mean communicating with your significant other, who, if you don’t communicate with, becomes a nagging itch that tears at the fabric of your being.
Like a tree watching an approaching forest fire, I was so terrified that I couldn’t move.
I may not remember what you wore on that first night,
but how can I forget your eyes? They were as green
as a forest, a forest I later imagined myself running
around as an old man. Of course I’d be pants less!
Just as I was when you met me. I was as naked as a savage,
but you tamed the beast in me. Do you remember
all the late night drives? Where I’d rant as we listened
to Something Corporate, Howie Day, and 30 Seconds
to Mars? Mars, a place you must have thought I was from,
not because I’m a man, but because I’m always so distant,
a one-man solar system, revolving around myself. Yet you
possessed a force that beckoned me to orbit around you,
with your sexy eyes, and the way your body glistened
when you were naked, the same way the moonlight flowed
like milk over your creamy skin that night on the fort
in St. Augustine. And I was Ponce de Leon himself
that night and you were the New World, and you were all mine
for the taking, but instead of spreading religion and civilization,
I only spread your legs. But after I felt a whole lot more civilized
as we walked around the graveyards searching for ghosts.
I guess the only ghosts I’ll ever see now is the ghost
of you, in cemetery of my cerebellum.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Mr. Boo,
If an elephant shit in your toilet, he’d clog it up for sure. It’s the same way with ideas. I don’t want any huge, gray elephants of ideas running around my brain clogging up my thoughts. I want quick, clever, fox like thoughts, and that’s what this email is all about.
I need your help in taking some pictures. I’ve already gotten the supplies, and those are as follows: one pair of cheap jeans, one cheap t-shirt, one can of white spray paint, and two cans of charcoal colored spray paint.
The concept: I spray-paint the shirt and pants to match the color of pavement, and then spray paint a white stripe down the center of both. Then you take pictures of me in the Wal-Mart parking lot lying on the line of a parking space so that the line of the space lines up with the line on my clothing.
It’s the new American dream--lying around waiting for that one big paycheck. And whether I get it or not, either way I’ll be crushed. Oh God I hope somebody double parks on my chest.
~Jarod
Dear Edmond,
I daresay I have some dreadful news for you. Very soon you might be hearing some rather nasty rumors about someone who looks just like me taking your girlfriend out on a date! How scandalous indeed! Well, it’s no rumor. I saw them too! And I must say that the resemblance that dastardly fellow bears to me is downright scary.
When I spotted them together I did a double take as I thought it was my twin, and his body is still rotting in the pond out back so it really freaked me out. And another thing too. This guy, who looks and walks exactly as I do, also wore the same shirt I have. You know, the one with the red flowers, red humming birds, and two purple people having sex on it? And it would have given me Goosebumps if I hadn’t recently shaved my entire body using your razor and shaving cream.
My condolences on your girlfriend. Who’d have thought she was such a whore? I had my suspicions before yesterday, but after last night they all proved to be 100% true.
Well, talk to you later,
~Jarod
Dear Ebert,
I’m only going to ask you this one more time. Please do NOT vomit in my undergarments anymore, especially not while I’m wearing them. The other day I had to walk around for hours smelling the wafts of your vomit float up to my nostrils amidst the humidity and heat.
I must confess that I could tell exactly what you had eaten. Some nuts, berries, and some powdered milk, right? And the more I smelled it, the hungrier I got, until finally, after much deliberation, I stole some acorns away from a mildly retarded squirrel and ate them in the comfort of the women’s bathroom.
It was there that I scraped off my underwear (which by that time were dried and crusty) and hung them on the hook in the stall like some post modern masterpiece. Then I pissed on the seat and left without washing my hands as I walked around greeting all the elderly people that were just milling around. Well, just thought you should know.
~Jarod
There can’t be perfect weather all the time. One can’t fully appreciate the good weather without the bad. We need sunny days every once in a while just so we can fully marvel at the power of a thunderstorm.
-Jarod Kintz