I couldn't write. The paper was blank with rage. Rage and urine. Then I moved to the computer, and the keyboard was covered in feces. But I typed away anyway. -Jarod Kintz
When a woman asks if she is beautiful her aprtner should know that there is only one answer, and it must be said with vigor. When a man asks if there is toilet paper stuck on his shoe, she must always lie.
Playing basketball is like sex. Lots of heavy sweating, a bit of dribbling and never really being satisfied no matter how many times you get it in the hole.
Playing basketball is like sex. Lots of heavy sweating, a bit of dribbling and never really being satisfied no matter how many times you get it in the hole.
Having sex is like basketball. Lots of heavy sweating, a bit of dribbling and never really being satisfied no matter how many times you get it in the hole.
"A petty, white-collar thief who robs his boss over several years": Jack McKrook, Will Urking, Trent Undermann
"An envious, bitter woman who makes her sister miserable by systematically trying to undercut her pleasure and self confidence": Lucy Fernscorn, Jess Coldering
"A sweet young man too shy to speak to an attractive woman he sees everyday at work": Henderson Wallowford, Robert Bumbleblithe III
"The owner of a fast-food restaurant who comes on to his young female employees": Rudy B. Pervlov, Wes Natch, David Coppafelonia
"A grandmother who just won the lottery": Winny Mcfate, Maude Estiny, Dora Sention -Jarod Kintz
I wish everyone kept their pleasurable memories in glass jars because it would pleasure me to smash every last one of them. And my pleasurable memory of smashing all these jars I would keep in a ziplock bag in my sock drawer. -Jarod Kintz
If life is a road, and death is the destination, I just pray for a flat tire and AAA service. I'll wait long enough to celebrate my grandson's fiftieth wedding anniversary. -Jarod Kintz
Last night I had sex with a wall. But to my defense, I was drunk, and she stuffed her bra. Ok, so maybe I wasn't drunk, and I was alone in my apartment. But I did hang a bra on my wall, and it was freshly painted. I got intoxicated with the fumes, allright? It's not like I had sex with my sofa. What? Who told you I did? Mike? That lying bastard. It was his idea. He let me borrow his porno, Dirty Fun With Furniture III, starring Woody Knob and Mark Ushion-Forthapushion. -Jarod Kintz
Courage is like putting a left shoe on your right foot, or putting a right shoe on your left foot. It might not feel comfortable at the time, but it will definitely stop you from running away. -Jarod Kintz
If you could sell courage in vitamin form, only the foolish and weak would buy it. I wouldn't take it unless I was tricked into taking it. -Jarod Kintz
Women are like buckets--they want you to carry them, dance with them and dip them, but all you really want to do is fill them up with fluids. -Jarod Kintz
There exists today a sex chain. I sleep with her, she sleeps with him, he sleeps with another and so on until someone sleeps with me again. I could save myself a lot of time, energy and trouble and just sleep with myself. -Jarod Kintz
AAArdvark--the last name I'd change mine to if I ever run for office knowing that the first candidate on the ballot recieves all the votes from the voters who have no idea who they are voting for, or what each stands for. My slogan will be Triple A-rdvark, the first name for assistance and safety. -Jarod Kintz
I spoke to Randy earlier and he said the reason he couldn't meet us at the cavefort was because his Grandpa just died from chocking on a woolly cock. Randy has sworn off dick for at least two days, which is really bumming out Mark who says he won't go to the meeting if there is no offer of felatio. One of the leaders (either you or I) need to step up and fill in for Randy. Also, did I leave my binary anal defribulator under your sofa? Khalid says he saw it under there while he was rubbing one out watching your grandmother sleep. Talk to you soon. Sorry about your dog bleeding on your carpet. We didn't know she was mentruating when we gangbanged her. -Jarod Kintz
I hosted a suicide party last Thursday, and I was the last one to drink the Hemlock before I decided to set my goblet down at the last second. It instantly made me the life of the party. I was so popular in fact, that I got with every girl at the party. -Jarod Kintz
Children are more valuable than a thousand sneezes, and more expensive than the thousand cannisters of pepper I use to season them in the oven. -Jarod Kintz
She said she loved me, but I didn't believe her. Every other word she spoke out of her mouth reeked of someone else's semen. Or is that just left over from my upper lip? -Jarod Kintz
My ex-wife looked like a mouse, so on her Birthday I bought her a cheesecake. Then I hired an assassin to dress like a cat and kill her. My new wife looks like a rabbit. Her Birthday's coming up and I'm getting her a carrot cake. I'm currently looking for a snake to cost-effectively take her out. Anybody know any good lawyers? -Jarod Kintz
With my ex-girlfriend, she was used to getting three inches of stiffness in bed. That's all she got out of me too. OK, I'm lying. I only gave her two inches. But it was a heartfelt two. And then she stepped on my kind gesture, and my penis still hurts!!! -Jarod Kintz
I love doing random acts of kindness, especially ones that take months to plan, use survalence, involve black ski masks, guns, baseball bats, gloves, and a get well soon card. -Jarod Kintz
I got into a fight with a deaf man over my music being too loud. I started screaming at him until my knuckles went hoarse. Then we shook hands so hard his ear drums must have popped. -Jarod Kintz
If I ever get big, and I have a bunch of celebrity friends, I'm going to invite them over one night. Then we'll all shit in seperate jars, mix them up, and play, Name That Famous Feces. -Jarod Kintz
Alcohol is the most useful invention, next to the toilet. That's where I keep my bottles of vodka, so I can enjoy two great feelings at once. -Jarod Kintz
Alcohol makes you do some crazy things. Like the time I stayed married for ten years. I started drinking at an early age. We married young too. But I guess I didn't feel the need to drink anymore after I turned 21. -Jarod Kintz
I want to open up a hotel called, "Weeks." That way when anybody says, "I haven't had sex in weeks," another person can respond, "Well, lets go rent a room then." -Jarod Kintz
Relationships have changed a lot over the years. Roles have reversed. No longer are males always the head of the household. Now, sometimes the feet are. -Jarod Kintz
I hate when I'm trying to shoot a homemade sex tape and it comes out all foggy like the couple I'm filming never washes the outside of their window. -Jarod Kintz
It's fun to have your whole family together on christmas. That way when I lay down flowers on their graves, I don't have to cover too much ground. Plus, flowers are cheaper than presents. -Jarod Kintz
I haven't seen you in forever. I thought you proved Comumbus wrong and fell off the face of the earth. I was about to burn my collection of globes. Either that or run over all of them with a tank so they'd be flat as a map. -Jarod Kintz
I just might have the world's biggest ass. It's big enough to comfortably fit a size twelve shoe, as well as park the car of the salesman who sold me the shoe (his parking meter was expired and he didn't want to get towed). -Jarod Kitnz
Life is full of contrasts. Black and white, yin and yang, life and death. Each could not exist without it's opposite contrast. So if the Bigfoot myth is to be believed, then there must be some proof that the world's fattest ass is somewhere out there. If only we can prove this, then it's only a matter of time before we discover that Bigfoot really exists. -Jarod kintz
Life is full of contrasts. Black and white, yin and yang, life and death. Each could not exist without it's opposite contrast. So if the Bigfoot myth is to be believed, then there must be some proof that the world's fattest ass is somewhere out there. If only we can prove this, then it's only a matter of time before we discover that Bigfoot really exists. Find the fattest ass, and we'll surely find the biggest foot to shove it in. -Jarod Kintz
Life is full of contrasts. Black and white, yin and yang, life and death. Each could not exist without it's opposite contrast. So if the Bigfoot myth is to be believed, then there must be some proof that the world's fattest ass is somewhere out there. If only we can prove this, then it's only a matter of time before we discover that Bigfoot really exists. Find the fattest ass, and we'll surely find the biggest foot to shove in it. -Jarod Kintz
I want to marry a girl with red hair. Then I'm going to name our son "Flames." That way, if he ever gets eaten by an alligator, I'll be able to say, "Yeah, but this was no ordinary gator. Flames was trying to come out of his mouth." -Jarod Kintz
My alarm clock was yelling at me, so I rolled over and smashed its face. How many times do I have to tell Grandmother not to wake me up before noon? -Jarod Kintz
if I was an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, how do they know me? I'd respond, your brother ran over my brother. -Jarod Kintz
My butler nearly peed on me, and then I nearly peed on myself with excitement at him almost peeing on me. But he ended up peeing all over himself, and I ended up peeing on him as well, the same way I always piss on him. -Jarod Kintz
My first girlfriend felt like my second. They both felt like they didn't know me. Well, they should have known me really well considering they both lived inside my head. -Jarod Kintz
Taking my cues from the circus I have learned how to juggle two bowling balls, three bowls of Jello, and four girlfriends in five different cities. I live in that sunny state of mind called insanity, also better known as Florida. -Jarod Kintz
These are emails that were sent out to corporations and institutions. They are bizarre, surreal, and absolutely random. Yet they are completely logical in their illogicality. Or sometimes they are completely illogical in their logicality.
If laughing were a buffet, you'd eat so much with this book that you'd throw up. I recommend you read this book over the toilet. Try not to get caught laughing with your pants down. Let other people laugh when your pants are down. -Jarod Kintz
-Being satisfied is the greatest gift a man could ask for. In fact, if satisfaction came in a big box, I'd wrap it up on April 1 and give it to someone special. Imagine how satisfied, and grateful they'd be to open up a huge box that for all intrinsic purposes seemed empty. Sure, they might be dissapointed at first, but hey, satisfaction is a feeling, a concept. And concepts are thoughts, and after all, "it's the thought that counts, right?" If you'd like to purchase one of these big, empty satisfaction boxes, you can find them for sale at my other website, afoolandhismoney.com.
-I believe in tough love. And few things are tougher than combat boots. But before you tie the knot with your love boot, make sure your partner is monogomous. One boot, one man/woman. I don't care if you can stick your filthy little feet in two boots at once, it still doesn't make it right.
-They were an odd couple. He was sweet and as soft as ice cream in a cone, and she was as tough as a wrench, and really had him by his nuts. -Jarod Kintz
Door-to-door Vacuum salesman: The greatest thing about my vacuum is that it gets very deep into every desired crack (there's only one hehe). -Jarod Kintz
Starving Artist: If laughter were hunger, this book, emails from a madman, made me starving. God, thinking of it now makes me want to go to a buffet. -Jarod Kintz
Boris, the bean counter: Sometimes, when I'm adding up quarterly earnings, I like to count on my toes. I do this because I have the nervous habit of biting my nails when I do my math. -Jarod Kintz
In Gary Snyder’s poetry, we see him try to reduce everything by simplifying them and avoiding abstractions as much as possible in favor of concrete details to try to accurately represent the thing he’s talking about. I think it’s impossible to accurately represent the thing you are trying to talk about, and in the words of Jack Handy, “…because what is that thing?” That’s a good question. What is that thing? Plato said that for everything, like a tree for example, there were actually two: the actual physical tree and the idea of the tree conceived by the creator before he actually made the tree. So, like an artist, there’s a sketch before the final composition. But that’s two steps for one object, before any description of that object has even taken place. And what about the idea that the words that compose a poem are themselves ideas that represent concepts and things? I’ll illustrate my point using the Greek alphabet to honor Plato.
Alpha Beta Gamma Delta Epsilon
So according to Plato, Alpha represents the idea of the thing and Beta represents the real thing. And since God created both, let’s assume they are identical. In Snyder’s poetry, Gamma represents his perception of the thing, before his poem is even composed. Delta represents the words he chooses to make up the poem to try to represent the thing. And Epsilon represents the idea I get in my head after reading one of Snyder’s poems. So here is where it gets messy. So the thing that’s being described simply exists before Snyder perceives it. But who’s to say that Snyder’s perception is accurate. Maybe his eyes aren't perfect, there's a fog on the mountain, his hearing is off, or any number of things could interfere with one of his six senses accurately delivering the data to Snyder’s brain. So we have static in the transmission already. Then we come to the words. And they are things meant to represent things themselves, so already they are not pure. And this leads us to my interpretation, which might be slanted anyway because I might be a madman. But regardless, my idea of the original thing can’t possible be 100% accurate because of all the filters and lenses that reduce the original image and make it rather grainy and fuzzy no matter how hard Snyder tried. While I do appreciate Snyder’s attempts to recreate his nature scenes, I have to laugh at a man who thinks he successfully described in words what can not possibly be described perfectly with flawed words. And I have to laugh at a man who thinks himself wise, because I am a strong believer in the Greek tradition which thought that only a fool would ever consider himself wise, and a wise man would know that he really knew nothing.
He loves exotic females, like llamas, for instance.
The people of the Caribbean are a parrot people, perched on the shoulder's of giants, yet not posessing enough vision or insight to understand what they are repeating.
Mr. Robinson: "There is no economy without tourism, just a bunch of ignorant, poor people holding their hands out waiting for the West to give them money." Ferdy: "Better to be holdin' out our hands than have the west holdin' them." Mr. Robinson: "And that's the problem right there. you can't even see how foolish that sounded." -Jarod Kintz
I'm so spontaneous I surprise myself sometimes. But, as an aspiring swordsman, too many times of surprising myself and I won’t see anything coming. -Jarod Kintz
He had a screaming elephant penis--so loud was it that by putting it in my throat I was hoarse for weeks.
Pepper doesn't make the mythical Mr. Boo sneeze. Poverty does.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has eyes like bowling balls, and he'll roll them at you if you are a fool.
The women think The Mythical Mr. Boo is as wise as a Greek philosopher, and I know they all just want to get into his toga.
If lust were measurable in inches, The Mythical Mr. Boo would be a mixture of Brad Pitt and John Holmes.
If sex were philosophy, The Mythical Mr. Boo would be a really deep thinker.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has more money than God, because he only gives God ten percent.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is in your head like socks in the dryer--and he can vanish just as quickly, too.
The Mythical Mr. Boo won't every date a girl with baggage. He likes them homeless, too.
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't have a birthday, because only mortals can be born.
The Mythical Mr. Boo rolls off your tongue like a midget on roller skates.
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't take shit from anyone, especially the Men's Bathroom Attendant.
Only the fool hath said in his heart, "There is no Mythical Mr. Boo."
If The Mythical Mr. Boo is a white unicorn, then Orafoura is Bigfoot. And your girlfriend only has a hairy ass when Orafoura's foot is lodged in it.
Since The Mythical Mr. Boo is only a representation of greatness, if ever he shows up at your doorstep demanding soup, pull a Warhol and paint him a can of Campbell's soup on a canvas. Then watch The Mythical Mr. Boo eat that canvas, and your paintbrush, too.
The Mythical Mr. Boo will always take off his shoes before he walks into your life. He'll also take off his pants.
The Mythical Mr. Boo's erection is bulging out of granny panties. (They're not his, they're your Grandmother's).
The Mythical Mr. Boo is like a fog that creeps about your window while you are fornicating with your wife. And just like fog, if the police ever catch him, he'll be cleared by morning.
In times like these, I can't help but ask myself, what is Jarod Kintz thinking? And I really don't know, my mind is drawing a blank.
The bottoms of my feet are as flat as pancakes, and my socks are as sticky as syrup. I think this is what lead to my foot fetish, but I only fiend for feet during breakfast.
Every morning, as soon as I wake up, I feel a sense of pride swelling in my pants. And, since I sleep in Spandex, my pride sometimes restricts and makes me feel uncomfortable. (My pants are too tight!) Although, as soon as I humble myself and take a piss, my pride just goes away.
Sometimes a man might feel impotent and as dry as an empty goldfish tank, which leaves him feeling small, insignificant, and grasping for breath as if he were a goldfish in the dry tank of impotence.
If scientists could genetically alter every homeless person to be roughly two feet long, furry, and use a litter box, I would become a champion for the poor. -Jarod Kintz
The last guy that asked The Mythical Mr. Boo to do a charity walk got put into a wheelchair.
The Mythical Mr. Boo never does a marathon of the mouth. But even though he doesn't run it, he still consumes a lot of Gatorade.
The Mythical Mr. Boo could have won an Olympic gold medal, but instead chose to take second place, because, as an investor, The Mythical Mr. Boo knew that silver was rising in value faster than gold was.
The Mythical Mr. Boo wasn't even around when Lincoln got shot--yet it still happened. Neither was he at the scene of the crime where Kennedy got taken out--yet the event still took place. That's how good The Mythical Mr. Boo is.
The Mythical Mr. Boo never has sex at night. He'll only do a broad in broad daylight.
The Mythical Mr. Boo never has sex in the backseat of his Oldsmobile. He'll only fuck in the trunk, where he keeps his hidden stash of midget concubines.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is intergenerational. If you are what you wear, he is his own grandma.
As The Mythical Mr. Boo eats his daily double cheeseburger, he ponders the thought that if he weren't immortal, he might have been a Hindu in a previous life. -Jarod Kintz
1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship? Like the midget I was dating :very short
2. When was the last time you shaved your legs? Not since I got pubic hair, which would have been last Thursday.
3. What were you doing this morning at 8am? I was taking a piss, killing time waiting for my alarm clock to go off.
4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Wondering what I'd be doing fifteen minutes in the future.
5. Are you any good at math? I’m like Newton, Gauss, and Euclid combined in that when they all talk at once you can’t understand a word of what they are saying.
6. Your prom night? My date jazzed all over my nice dress.
7. Do you have any famous ancestors? Lots of kings in Europe, but then so does every other Caucasian. Like my prom date, they ran around shoting their sperm all over everyone.
8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school? I once borrowed some money from the Yakuza, and now I’m trying to convince the math department to shift from a base ten system to a base nine system (the Yakuza took one of my pinkies for my late payment).
9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile? Like there is a penis in my mouth, I can hum it pretty well.
10. Last thing received in the mail? A mail order midget named Margaret (we dated briefly).
11. How many different beverages have you drank today? I melted some yellow snow and enjoyed that with some green tea.
12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines? Orgasmic ones
13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? I let the whole Boston orchestra gangbang me back in ’89.
14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? I’m usually too busy riding my horse at the beach.
15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? My ex girlfriend had to get some teeth pulled once, but her head was so far up my ass they had to extract them anally. They didn’t even lube me up or numb me, just ripped my pants of and dove right in.
16. What is outside of your back door? A fifty foot drop (this is the door that door-to door salesman usually exit out of).
17. Any plans for Friday night? Khalid got a new camel, so I think we’re going to race. Nobody can beat Abu.
18. Do you like the ocean? I prefer the sea.
19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas? Yeah, but two are usually already eaten.
20. Have you ever been to a planetarium... I own a few. They’re really out of this world.
22. Something you are excited about? I get excited just thinking about being excited.
23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? Blue…no yellow Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive? Not after tomorrow night, if all goes as planned.
25. Describe your keychain: Attached to a midget politician I have in my pocket.
26. Where do you keep your change? Change is always kept in the future.
27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? I was the guest speaker at the NAADP (National association for the advancement of deaf people)
28. What kind of winter coat do you have? Well, I have the one that’s hanging on my friend Brian, who’s hanging in my closet. I really should go and cut him down.
29. What was the weather like on your graduation? Blurry?
30. Do you sleep with the bedroom door open or closed? I’m a door half open kind of guy. -Jarod Kintz
I have a necklace i wear that dangles near my heart. It's a combination crusifix/compass, because Jesus knows where I am at all times.
The Mythicla Mr. Boo is allergic to all things relative to the number two. That's why he never learned to ride a bicycle (two wheels), that's why he only walks on all fours, and that's why he never takes shits.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is not allergic to feet, he's allergic to shoe salesmen.
The Mythical Mr. Boo thinks the line between genius and madness is like every picture of a UFO--blurry. And so is his mad vision for the world, unless you have the proper perspective glasses which you can find for sale in the near future at jarodkintz.com.
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't believe in luck, although he does enjoy chopping off rabbit's feet.
The Mythical Mr. Boo enjoys setting all the clocks in his girlfriend's house back fifteen minutes, so that he is never more than fifteen minutes late. -Jarod Kintz
If my balls were detachable, I'd rip them off and juggle all three of them for you.
I never take lunch breaks, because I love eating, and why would I want to take a break from something I love?
If you could have any mammal as a pet, what would you get? I'd get an exact clone of myself, so I could really pamper myself and spend some quality time with someone I like.
The Mythical Mr. Boo likes his baths like he likes his women--drained and dry.
My ex girlfriend once told me that the great feeling that accompanies a sneeze is 1/16th the feeling of an orgasm. So the next night, while we were having sex, I poured pepper all over her face and made her sneeze exactly 32 times, and felt damn proud to make her cum twice. (Two more than my previous record). I may only have a two inch penis, but I happen to possess an eight pound pepper shaker! Now she won't sleep with me. She claims she's allergic to sex. -Jarod Kintz
-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you? Too many silly boys tell me they love me
-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?: Yes, I loved a knife once, and although it touched me deeper than anyone I know, it still hurt like a mother.
-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? Yes, and I promised to never again pour pepper spray in their contact lens solution.
-Are you happier single or in a relationship?: Depends on how hungry I am
-Have you ever had your heart broken?: Several. But Mr. Boo has been my emotional super glue.
-Have you ever broken someone's heart? Too many to count on one severed foot.
-Talk to any of your exes? Well I ignored Lauren’s call last night because I figured she was calling to bitch me out about my last bulletin, the one with the horse penis in it. Lately she has gotten really boring, not to mention she hangs out with low brow people, so why would I want to talk to her? Man, now I’m really going to get a bitchy message from her.
-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?: I’m a great boyfriend, and I’m not sure how good of a girlfriend I would make.
-Have you been in an abusive relationship? I had a whole joke written here, but I decided to delete it.
-Have you dated someone older then you?: In dog years, Spot would have been my senior.
-Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend? That one time with the scissors, the thong, the midget named Cliff, the car and the cliff, not to mention the sharks below in the water.
-believe in love at first sight? Yes, especially if I were blind. Then my sight would be my touch, and I could tell just by grabbing ass and titties if I was in love.
-Ever dated two people at once?: Yes, but they were joined at the hip. The left broad got jealous of the right broad.
-Do you want to get married?: Yes, on a Tuesday
-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?: I’m sorry. Really.
-Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?: No, because although she was small, she wouldn’t fit in my pocket.
-Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?: Yes, when having an out of body experience, I am actually quite fond of the one I’m with.
-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?: I don’t know, I think it has kind of a musical ring.
-Is break up sex allowed? Isn’t that what cheating is?
-Is it ever okay to lie to your partner? No, only lie next to them, unless they steal the blankets and drool on your pillow. -Jarod Kintz
“The world may be my stage, but nobody’s giving me props.” “You’ve got to have enough confidence to make your own props before anybody else will give them to you. Flattery is the most fleeting kind of decoration.”
Tell a mamma’s boy a secret, and it’s in one ear and out the mother.
“Sex, like business, is better with multiple partners.” “A guy like you is just out to fuck everybody, aren’t you?” -Jarod Kintz
I think we should have a halloween party for all the members of this group. And I think we should have it in Liz's garage. I'm coming to the party dressed like a car. -Jarod Kintz
Stickers on your car? I once had a fantastic bumper sticker, at least until some jackass stole my bumper! And he didn’t even have the courtesy to leave me the rest of the car either!
What posters do you have in your room? Pictures of dismembered family members (my great grand parents)
What do you hear right now? Lies! Damned lies! All of it is lies. I won’t listen to your lies anymore!
If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be? I’d chug water from the fountain of youth. Then I’d enjoy a pee that would be so perfect and pure, it just might be heaven.
Does anything hurt on your body right now? My back. People’s knifes are just way too sharp nowadays for me to go backing up on them.
Ever take candy from someone? Yeah I took candy. It came with the bitch’s purse.
What’s your job position called? The Frog?
What size ring do you wear? Magnum, thank you very much
Do you own a camera phone? Yes, and all the people’s souls I’ve stolen by taking their pictures.
When's your birthday? Every year. Well, so far anyways.
What was your elementary schools mascot? A dunce
Whats your favorite bottled water? One that’s half drunk. Because a bottle of water that’s intoxicated is a beautiful thing. Just don’t let it drive home.
What's the next concert/show you're going to and when? I’m going to see Larry and the Milkshakes, because Larry’s band always seems to make him throw up on stage because he is lactose intolerant. -Jarod Kintz
As a tribute to how elusive The Mythical Mr. Boo is, it is a known fact that the FBI currently has no existing file on him. But The Mythical Mr. Boo has a file on them. A file four inches thick (The Mythical Mr. Boo measured it against the width of his legendary penis).
They Mythical Mr. Boo won't ever go into a 'Lazy River' at any water park because it's entirely too much work.
The Mythical Mr. Boo does a lot of talking with his hands. And if you had ears on your cheeks, his words would really sting.
The Mythical Mr. Boo's penis is roughly the size and shape of a microphone, and he is known to do his fastest talking with his right hand.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is partly deaf, on his father's side.
They Mythical Mr. Boo tried to ship a pool table to Bermuda, but it disappeared in the triangle. It made it really hard for him to rack the balls, having a triangle and no table. So he played pool on a soccer field, and used soccer balls instead of pool balls. The Mythical Mr. Boo loves playing soccer.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is half Irish. The whole left side of his body is a Leprechau
156 Comments:
Possibly the wildest comic I've ever seen. It is so asthetically pleasing I just can't stop looking at it.
Wow. This is amazing. Very surreal and crazy. What a drawing. Jarod, you are a very skilled artist.
Lauren
This belongs in a gallery. The lines are so fluid and the image just flows. Beautiful.
Not so much a comic as it is a statement. Very creative and unique. It would make a great postcard.
Brianna
wierd. But cool.
This is by far the greatest comic drawing I have ever seen. Jarod Kintz is a comic genius!
Jarod what can I say, you are still the same man. As crazy as ever. Great drawing.
Johnny
This cartoon is WOW. I could see it in a museum. Very bold comic. Bold and bald.
-Gunther Girl
reminds me of the park
Crazy cartoon. I love it!
100% PURE MADNESS!
AHHHHHHHH!
Fuck You !
and I want my Ricky Martin CD back.
This cartoon is CRAZY! Jarod Kintz, you truly are a comic genius. Great image!
This comic is maniacal. Pure insanity, with a twist of madness.
Jarod, your comics are so unique and creative. They are like nothing I have ever seen before. Your style is inventive and intricate.
Louella a.k.a Grandmother
How absurd!
OOOOOH! This drawing is above words. I don't know how to express my awe.
-Brianna
This cartoon is surreal in the sense that it reminds me of my reflection when I have had one too many drinks.
Jack Nichelson
Sometimes I scratch my feet with my nose, then I sneeze and my pedicure and my itching is complete for the evening.
I couldn't write. The paper was blank with rage. Rage and urine. Then I moved to the computer, and the keyboard was covered in feces. But I typed away anyway.
-Jarod Kintz
When a woman asks if she is beautiful her aprtner should know that there is only one answer, and it must be said with vigor. When a man asks if there is toilet paper stuck on his shoe, she must always lie.
Playing basketball is like sex. Lots of heavy sweating, a bit of dribbling and never really being satisfied no matter how many times you get it in the hole.
Playing basketball is like sex. Lots of heavy sweating, a bit of dribbling and never really being satisfied no matter how many times you get it in the hole.
Having sex is like basketball. Lots of heavy sweating, a bit of dribbling and never really being satisfied no matter how many times you get it in the hole.
Lauren Zimpel
I like to smother my boyfriend like a piece of toast, with extra cheese.
Lauren Zimpel
A man with three fingers might make a natural bowler, but a terrible pianist.
-Jarod Kintz
I had such an orgasmic weekend. I spent it alone.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex isn't good unless you can laugh. That's why I sleep with clowns.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to feel superior in bed...So I sleep with blind midgets. I like to turn on the lights so they can't see what they're doing.
RoRoUrBoat
I like to feel superior in bed...So I sleep with blind midgets. I like to turn on the lights so they can't see what they're doing.
RoRoUrBoat
"A petty, white-collar thief who robs his boss over several years": Jack McKrook, Will Urking, Trent Undermann
"An envious, bitter woman who makes her sister miserable by systematically trying to undercut her pleasure and self confidence": Lucy Fernscorn, Jess Coldering
"A sweet young man too shy to speak to an attractive woman he sees everyday at work": Henderson Wallowford, Robert Bumbleblithe III
"The owner of a fast-food restaurant who comes on to his young female employees": Rudy B. Pervlov, Wes Natch, David Coppafelonia
"A grandmother who just won the lottery": Winny Mcfate, Maude Estiny, Dora Sention
-Jarod Kintz
1.Danny Rathfink, Yuri Watchenski, Drake Viktor, Hans Teele, Mathilda Lootz
2.Tina Loathenberg, Eva Krunst, Rhonda Crisp, Kathy Kurt, Melinda Haggleboof, Vicky Bludsky, Steffi Brewer, Leigh Few Ming
3.Aaron Weiner, Sammy Youngerman, Ben Yankerfast, Tom Fentonsize
4.Brody Grabst, Al Probenthroust, Tony Anderskurt, Eddie Glairen
5.Fluellen Burdsky, Elizabeth Gambell, Denise Winkelnibben
-Jarod Kintz
Betrayal blazer
-Jarod Kintz
I wish everyone kept their pleasurable memories in glass jars because it would pleasure me to smash every last one of them. And my pleasurable memory of smashing all these jars I would keep in a ziplock bag in my sock drawer.
-Jarod Kintz
If life is a road, and death is the destination, I just pray for a flat tire and AAA service. I'll wait long enough to celebrate my grandson's fiftieth wedding anniversary.
-Jarod Kintz
Love is like jumping off a cliff. You've really should do it, even if it is just seconds before your death.
-Jarod Kintz
Eugenics. Do it for the kids.
-Jarod Kintz
Last night I had sex with a wall. But to my defense, I was drunk, and she stuffed her bra. Ok, so maybe I wasn't drunk, and I was alone in my apartment. But I did hang a bra on my wall, and it was freshly painted. I got intoxicated with the fumes, allright? It's not like I had sex with my sofa. What? Who told you I did? Mike? That lying bastard. It was his idea. He let me borrow his porno, Dirty Fun With Furniture III, starring Woody Knob and Mark Ushion-Forthapushion.
-Jarod Kintz
Never shit in somebody's underwear while they are wearing them.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend used to fart on me while we cuddled. She put the "poo" in spooning.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff.
-Jarod Kintz
If I had six fingers on my forehead I wouldn't try to play the piano with my nose.
-Jarod Kintz
Always gamble with someone else's money, but never their life.
-Jarod Kintz
I have a black stove in a white kitchen. It's a jungle oven.
-Jarod Kintz
When a girl makes you feel like your chest is on fire, you feel oven your heart.
-Jarod Kintz
Your penis is the time, her vagina is the schedule. If you've got the time, she will try to fit you in her schedule.
-Jarod Kintz
There's a kernal of truth in every piece of shit.
-Jarod Kintz
Never chew off the hand you write with, you might survive and have to sign autographs.
-Jarod Kintz
Never offer a toothless man gum, unless you just kicked out his teeth.
-Jarod Kintz
Never fight a man who bites his toenails without bending bis knees.
-Jarod Kintz
Never open up a costume shop on November 1st.
-Jarod Kintz
Never offer a blind man alphabet soup, he'll just play with his food.
-Jarod Kintz
Never go door to dor selling locks screaming, "You'll need new ones after I kick your door down."
-Jarod Kintz
Never kick a man walking down the stairs, do it when you're walking up them.
-Jarod Kintz
Never wake up next to a woman whose breath smells like fish, unless she's the only girl on the boat.
-Jarod Kintz
Never sleep with your boss' daughter, even if you work for your dad.
-Jarod Kintz
Never armwrestle a man with no arms, or shake his foot after you lose.
-Jarod Kintz
Never put off the chores for tomorrow that could be assigned to someone else today.
-Jarod Kintz
Never date a girl half your age, even if she's twice as tall.
-Jarod Kintz
Never shit in your own fishtank, even if you want the inlaws to leave.
-Jarod Kintz
In any economy, death is a good business. Either causing death, or burying the dead, people still die in recessions.
-Jarod Kintz
Courage is like putting a left shoe on your right foot, or putting a right shoe on your left foot. It might not feel comfortable at the time, but it will definitely stop you from running away.
-Jarod Kintz
If you could sell courage in vitamin form, only the foolish and weak would buy it. I wouldn't take it unless I was tricked into taking it.
-Jarod Kintz
Women are like buckets--they want you to carry them, dance with them and dip them, but all you really want to do is fill them up with fluids.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is a duet of discharge, while an orgy is a symphony of fluids.
-Jarod Kintz
Broad, sweeping generalizations do not generally apply.
-Jarod Kintz
When I saw the four-leaf clover on my dead wife's body, I knew I was the luckiest man alive.
-Jarod Kintz
There exists today a sex chain. I sleep with her, she sleeps with him, he sleeps with another and so on until someone sleeps with me again. I could save myself a lot of time, energy and trouble and just sleep with myself.
-Jarod Kintz
I went to the baloonie bin, and it was just a bunch of hot air that deluded my mind, and deflated my lungs.
-Jarod Kintz
Love is like a blanket. Yeah it can keep you warm, but if you get too wrapped up in, it can also suffocate you.
-Jarod Kintz
She had eyes like whiskey, brown and intoxicating. Her body was an hourglass, and I was running out of time.
-Jarod Kintz
By the way she held the cigarette between her toes, and the way the smoke curled like her leg hair, I knew I was smitten.
-Jarod Kintz
I caught my girlfriend in bed with another man, and I got so angry I kicked him out of his own house and made him divorce her.
-Jarod Kintz
AAArdvark--the last name I'd change mine to if I ever run for office knowing that the first candidate on the ballot recieves all the votes from the voters who have no idea who they are voting for, or what each stands for. My slogan will be Triple A-rdvark, the first name for assistance and safety.
-Jarod Kintz
I spoke to Randy earlier and he said the reason he couldn't meet us at the cavefort was because his Grandpa just died from chocking on a woolly cock. Randy has sworn off dick for at least two days, which is really bumming out Mark who says he won't go to the meeting if there is no offer of felatio. One of the leaders (either you or I) need to step up and fill in for Randy. Also, did I leave my binary anal defribulator under your sofa? Khalid says he saw it under there while he was rubbing one out watching your grandmother sleep. Talk to you soon. Sorry about your dog bleeding on your carpet. We didn't know she was mentruating when we gangbanged her.
-Jarod Kintz
Before you can conquer the world, you have to conguer yourself. And you can better conquer yourself with music than with a gun.
-Jarod Kintz
Babies are like deshelled peanuts in boiling water--naked and chewy.
-Jarod Kintz
IF you can't feed yor two children, you might as well feed one to the other.
-Jarod Kintz
I hosted a suicide party last Thursday, and I was the last one to drink the Hemlock before I decided to set my goblet down at the last second. It instantly made me the life of the party. I was so popular in fact, that I got with every girl at the party.
-Jarod Kintz
Children are more valuable than a thousand sneezes, and more expensive than the thousand cannisters of pepper I use to season them in the oven.
-Jarod Kintz
I can understand if midgets are major drug addicts. How can a midget buy over-the-counter drugs if he can't even see over the counter?
-Jarod Kintz
She said she loved me, but I didn't believe her. Every other word she spoke out of her mouth reeked of someone else's semen. Or is that just left over from my upper lip?
-Jarod Kintz
My ex-wife looked like a mouse, so on her Birthday I bought her a cheesecake. Then I hired an assassin to dress like a cat and kill her. My new wife looks like a rabbit. Her Birthday's coming up and I'm getting her a carrot cake. I'm currently looking for a snake to cost-effectively take her out. Anybody know any good lawyers?
-Jarod Kintz
With my ex-girlfriend, she was used to getting three inches of stiffness in bed. That's all she got out of me too. OK, I'm lying. I only gave her two inches. But it was a heartfelt two. And then she stepped on my kind gesture, and my penis still hurts!!!
-Jarod Kintz
Alcohol is the universal language of lust.
-Jarod Kintz
I love doing random acts of kindness, especially ones that take months to plan, use survalence, involve black ski masks, guns, baseball bats, gloves, and a get well soon card.
-Jarod Kintz
I got into a fight with a deaf man over my music being too loud. I started screaming at him until my knuckles went hoarse. Then we shook hands so hard his ear drums must have popped.
-Jarod Kintz
If I kiss with the mouth I talk out of, when I shake a deaf woman's hand is that foreplay?
-Jarod Kintz
Whenever I have sex, I always wrap up for protection. And the good thing is, I can reuse the glove after I wash my hand.
-Jarod Kintz
I get wild when I drink, but last night I had two sex partners. Yeah, my right arm got tired so I had to switch to my left.
-Jarod Kintz
Learn the language of love. Speak in tongues. Master Cunnalingus.
-Jarod Kintz
If I ever get big, and I have a bunch of celebrity friends, I'm going to invite them over one night. Then we'll all shit in seperate jars, mix them up, and play, Name That Famous Feces.
-Jarod Kintz
She gave him her heart, he gave her the car. Both were covered in blood.
-Jarod Kintz
Alcohol is the most useful invention, next to the toilet. That's where I keep my bottles of vodka, so I can enjoy two great feelings at once.
-Jarod Kintz
Alcohol makes you do some crazy things. Like the time I stayed married for ten years. I started drinking at an early age. We married young too. But I guess I didn't feel the need to drink anymore after I turned 21.
-Jarod Kintz
I never understand how a person stays in an abusive relationship for so long. Just beat her ass once and leave.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wish I were Jarod Kintz. Sometimes I am.
-Jarod Kintz quoting Jarod Kintz
I want to open up a hotel called, "Weeks." That way when anybody says, "I haven't had sex in weeks," another person can respond, "Well, lets go rent a room then."
-Jarod Kintz
Relationships have changed a lot over the years. Roles have reversed. No longer are males always the head of the household. Now, sometimes the feet are.
-Jarod Kintz
In bed, my wife screams so loud even the neighbors can hear her. But that's my fault, I invited them over to watch.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate when I'm trying to shoot a homemade sex tape and it comes out all foggy like the couple I'm filming never washes the outside of their window.
-Jarod Kintz
I took a dump in a box, then I wiped my bum and he said, "Thanks for shitting in my living room."
-Jarod Kintz
It's fun to have your whole family together on christmas. That way when I lay down flowers on their graves, I don't have to cover too much ground. Plus, flowers are cheaper than presents.
-Jarod Kintz
I accidently stepped on a bug today and killed it. Then I started to cry... God I hate PMS!
I haven't seen you in forever. I thought you proved Comumbus wrong and fell off the face of the earth. I was about to burn my collection of globes. Either that or run over all of them with a tank so they'd be flat as a map.
-Jarod Kintz
I just might have the world's biggest ass. It's big enough to comfortably fit a size twelve shoe, as well as park the car of the salesman who sold me the shoe (his parking meter was expired and he didn't want to get towed).
-Jarod Kitnz
Life is full of contrasts. Black and white, yin and yang, life and death. Each could not exist without it's opposite contrast. So if the Bigfoot myth is to be believed, then there must be some proof that the world's fattest ass is somewhere out there. If only we can prove this, then it's only a matter of time before we discover that Bigfoot really exists.
-Jarod kintz
Life is full of contrasts. Black and white, yin and yang, life and death. Each could not exist without it's opposite contrast. So if the Bigfoot myth is to be believed, then there must be some proof that the world's fattest ass is somewhere out there. If only we can prove this, then it's only a matter of time before we discover that Bigfoot really exists. Find the fattest ass, and we'll surely find the biggest foot to shove it in.
-Jarod Kintz
Life is full of contrasts. Black and white, yin and yang, life and death. Each could not exist without it's opposite contrast. So if the Bigfoot myth is to be believed, then there must be some proof that the world's fattest ass is somewhere out there. If only we can prove this, then it's only a matter of time before we discover that Bigfoot really exists. Find the fattest ass, and we'll surely find the biggest foot to shove in it.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to marry a girl with red hair. Then I'm going to name our son "Flames." That way, if he ever gets eaten by an alligator, I'll be able to say, "Yeah, but this was no ordinary gator. Flames was trying to come out of his mouth."
-Jarod Kintz
My alarm clock was yelling at me, so I rolled over and smashed its face. How many times do I have to tell Grandmother not to wake me up before noon?
-Jarod Kintz
if I was an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, how do they know me? I'd respond, your brother ran over my brother.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to die like a soldier, marching bravely to my death. Only I want my march to last about 80 years.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't believe a parent should spank their child in public. I believe that's the responsibility of a stranger.
-Jarod Kintz
My butler nearly peed on me, and then I nearly peed on myself with excitement at him almost peeing on me. But he ended up peeing all over himself, and I ended up peeing on him as well, the same way I always piss on him.
-Jarod Kintz
Guns don't kill people, enraged albinos do.
-Jarod Kintz
My first girlfriend felt like my second. They both felt like they didn't know me. Well, they should have known me really well considering they both lived inside my head.
-Jarod Kintz
Taking my cues from the circus I have learned how to juggle two bowling balls, three bowls of Jello, and four girlfriends in five different cities. I live in that sunny state of mind called insanity, also better known as Florida.
-Jarod Kintz
These are emails that were sent out to corporations and institutions. They are bizarre, surreal, and absolutely random. Yet they are completely logical in their illogicality. Or sometimes they are completely illogical in their logicality.
If laughing were a buffet, you'd eat so much with this book that you'd throw up. I recommend you read this book over the toilet. Try not to get caught laughing with your pants down. Let other people laugh when your pants are down.
-Jarod Kintz
-Being satisfied is the greatest gift a man could ask for. In fact, if satisfaction came in a big box, I'd wrap it up on April 1 and give it to someone special. Imagine how satisfied, and grateful they'd be to open up a huge box that for all intrinsic purposes seemed empty. Sure, they might be dissapointed at first, but hey, satisfaction is a feeling, a concept. And concepts are thoughts, and after all, "it's the thought that counts, right?" If you'd like to purchase one of these big, empty satisfaction boxes, you can find them for sale at my other website, afoolandhismoney.com.
-I believe in tough love. And few things are tougher than combat boots. But before you tie the knot with your love boot, make sure your partner is monogomous. One boot, one man/woman. I don't care if you can stick your filthy little feet in two boots at once, it still doesn't make it right.
-They were an odd couple. He was sweet and as soft as ice cream in a cone, and she was as tough as a wrench, and really had him by his nuts.
-Jarod Kintz
What do you call ten black guys in a shower? Ethnic cleansing.
-Jarod Kintz
Door-to-door Vacuum salesman: The greatest thing about my vacuum is that it gets very deep into every desired crack (there's only one hehe).
-Jarod Kintz
I did poorly on a test today.
Oh yeah? Why is that?
I blame it on Archduke Franz Ferdinand. That S.O.B. should be shot.
He did get shot.
Good.
-Jarod Kintz
Starving Artist: If laughter were hunger, this book, emails from a madman, made me starving. God, thinking of it now makes me want to go to a buffet.
-Jarod Kintz
Boris, the bean counter: Sometimes, when I'm adding up quarterly earnings, I like to count on my toes. I do this because I have the nervous habit of biting my nails when I do my math.
-Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz
Gary Snyder Response
In Gary Snyder’s poetry, we see him try to reduce everything by simplifying them and avoiding abstractions as much as possible in favor of concrete details to try to accurately represent the thing he’s talking about. I think it’s impossible to accurately represent the thing you are trying to talk about, and in the words of Jack Handy, “…because what is that thing?”
That’s a good question. What is that thing? Plato said that for everything, like a tree for example, there were actually two: the actual physical tree and the idea of the tree conceived by the creator before he actually made the tree. So, like an artist, there’s a sketch before the final composition. But that’s two steps for one object, before any description of that object has even taken place. And what about the idea that the words that compose a poem are themselves ideas that represent concepts and things? I’ll illustrate my point using the Greek alphabet to honor Plato.
Alpha Beta Gamma Delta Epsilon
So according to Plato, Alpha represents the idea of the thing and Beta represents the real thing. And since God created both, let’s assume they are identical. In Snyder’s poetry, Gamma represents his perception of the thing, before his poem is even composed. Delta represents the words he chooses to make up the poem to try to represent the thing. And Epsilon represents the idea I get in my head after reading one of Snyder’s poems. So here is where it gets messy. So the thing that’s being described simply exists before Snyder perceives it. But who’s to say that Snyder’s perception is accurate. Maybe his eyes aren't perfect, there's a fog on the mountain, his hearing is off, or any number of things could interfere with one of his six senses accurately delivering the data to Snyder’s brain. So we have static in the transmission already. Then we come to the words. And they are things meant to represent things themselves, so already they are not pure. And this leads us to my interpretation, which might be slanted anyway because I might be a madman. But regardless, my idea of the original thing can’t possible be 100% accurate because of all the filters and lenses that reduce the original image and make it rather grainy and fuzzy no matter how hard Snyder tried.
While I do appreciate Snyder’s attempts to recreate his nature scenes, I have to laugh at a man who thinks he successfully described in words what can not possibly be described perfectly with flawed words. And I have to laugh at a man who thinks himself wise, because I am a strong believer in the Greek tradition which thought that only a fool would ever consider himself wise, and a wise man would know that he really knew nothing.
He loves exotic females, like llamas, for instance.
The people of the Caribbean are a parrot people, perched on the shoulder's of giants, yet not posessing enough vision or insight to understand what they are repeating.
Mr. Robinson: "There is no economy without tourism, just a bunch of ignorant, poor people holding their hands out waiting for the West to give them money."
Ferdy: "Better to be holdin' out our hands than have the west holdin' them."
Mr. Robinson: "And that's the problem right there. you can't even see how foolish that sounded."
-Jarod Kintz
I'm so spontaneous I surprise myself sometimes. But, as an aspiring swordsman, too many times of surprising myself and I won’t see anything coming.
-Jarod Kintz
He had a screaming elephant penis--so loud was it that by putting it in my throat I was hoarse for weeks.
Pepper doesn't make the mythical Mr. Boo sneeze. Poverty does.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has eyes like bowling balls, and he'll roll them at you if you are a fool.
The women think The Mythical Mr. Boo is as wise as a Greek philosopher, and I know they all just want to get into his toga.
If lust were measurable in inches, The Mythical Mr. Boo would be a mixture of Brad Pitt and John Holmes.
If sex were philosophy, The Mythical Mr. Boo would be a really deep thinker.
The Mythical Mr. Boo has more money than God, because he only gives God ten percent.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is in your head like socks in the dryer--and he can vanish just as quickly, too.
The Mythical Mr. Boo won't every date a girl with baggage. He likes them homeless, too.
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't have a birthday, because only mortals can be born.
The Mythical Mr. Boo rolls off your tongue like a midget on roller skates.
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't take shit from anyone, especially the Men's Bathroom Attendant.
Only the fool hath said in his heart, "There is no Mythical Mr. Boo."
If The Mythical Mr. Boo is a white unicorn, then Orafoura is Bigfoot. And your girlfriend only has a hairy ass when Orafoura's foot is lodged in it.
Since The Mythical Mr. Boo is only a representation of greatness, if ever he shows up at your doorstep demanding soup, pull a Warhol and paint him a can of Campbell's soup on a canvas. Then watch The Mythical Mr. Boo eat that canvas, and your paintbrush, too.
The Mythical Mr. Boo will always take off his shoes before he walks into your life. He'll also take off his pants.
The Mythical Mr. Boo's erection is bulging out of granny panties. (They're not his, they're your Grandmother's).
The Mythical Mr. Boo is like a fog that creeps about your window while you are fornicating with your wife. And just like fog, if the police ever catch him, he'll be cleared by morning.
In times like these, I can't help but ask myself, what is Jarod Kintz thinking? And I really don't know, my mind is drawing a blank.
The bottoms of my feet are as flat as pancakes, and my socks are as sticky as syrup. I think this is what lead to my foot fetish, but I only fiend for feet during breakfast.
Every morning, as soon as I wake up, I feel a sense of pride swelling in my pants. And, since I sleep in Spandex, my pride sometimes restricts and makes me feel uncomfortable. (My pants are too tight!) Although, as soon as I humble myself and take a piss, my pride just goes away.
Sometimes a man might feel impotent and as dry as an empty goldfish tank, which leaves him feeling small, insignificant, and grasping for breath as if he were a goldfish in the dry tank of impotence.
If scientists could genetically alter every homeless person to be roughly two feet long, furry, and use a litter box, I would become a champion for the poor.
-Jarod Kintz
The last guy that asked The Mythical Mr. Boo to do a charity walk got put into a wheelchair.
The Mythical Mr. Boo never does a marathon of the mouth. But even though he doesn't run it, he still consumes a lot of Gatorade.
The Mythical Mr. Boo could have won an Olympic gold medal, but instead chose to take second place, because, as an investor, The Mythical Mr. Boo knew that silver was rising in value faster than gold was.
The Mythical Mr. Boo wasn't even around when Lincoln got shot--yet it still happened. Neither was he at the scene of the crime where Kennedy got taken out--yet the event still took place. That's how good The Mythical Mr. Boo is.
The Mythical Mr. Boo never has sex at night. He'll only do a broad in broad daylight.
The Mythical Mr. Boo never has sex in the backseat of his Oldsmobile. He'll only fuck in the trunk, where he keeps his hidden stash of midget concubines.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is intergenerational. If you are what you wear, he is his own grandma.
As The Mythical Mr. Boo eats his daily double cheeseburger, he ponders the thought that if he weren't immortal, he might have been a Hindu in a previous life.
-Jarod Kintz
1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship? Like the midget I was dating :very short
2. When was the last time you shaved your legs? Not since I got pubic hair, which would have been last Thursday.
3. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
I was taking a piss, killing time waiting for my alarm clock to go off.
4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Wondering what I'd be doing fifteen minutes in the future.
5. Are you any good at math?
I’m like Newton, Gauss, and Euclid combined in that when they all talk at once you can’t understand a word of what they are saying.
6. Your prom night?
My date jazzed all over my nice dress.
7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
Lots of kings in Europe, but then so does every other Caucasian. Like my prom date, they ran around shoting their sperm all over everyone.
8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
I once borrowed some money from the Yakuza, and now I’m trying to convince the math department to shift from a base ten system to a base nine system (the Yakuza took one of my pinkies for my late payment).
9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
Like there is a penis in my mouth, I can hum it pretty well.
10. Last thing received in the mail?
A mail order midget named Margaret (we dated briefly).
11. How many different beverages have you drank today?
I melted some yellow snow and enjoyed that with some green tea.
12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
Orgasmic ones
13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
I let the whole Boston orchestra gangbang me back in ’89.
14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
I’m usually too busy riding my horse at the beach.
15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
My ex girlfriend had to get some teeth pulled once, but her head was so far up my ass they had to extract them anally. They didn’t even lube me up or numb me, just ripped my pants of and dove right in.
16. What is outside of your back door?
A fifty foot drop (this is the door that door-to door salesman usually exit out of).
17. Any plans for Friday night?
Khalid got a new camel, so I think we’re going to race. Nobody can beat Abu.
18. Do you like the ocean?
I prefer the sea.
19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas?
Yeah, but two are usually already eaten.
20. Have you ever been to a planetarium...
I own a few. They’re really out of this world.
22. Something you are excited about?
I get excited just thinking about being excited.
23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Blue…no yellow Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
Not after tomorrow night, if all goes as planned.
25. Describe your keychain:
Attached to a midget politician I have in my pocket.
26. Where do you keep your change?
Change is always kept in the future.
27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
I was the guest speaker at the NAADP (National association for the advancement of deaf people)
28. What kind of winter coat do you have?
Well, I have the one that’s hanging on my friend Brian, who’s hanging in my closet. I really should go and cut him down.
29. What was the weather like on your graduation?
Blurry?
30. Do you sleep with the bedroom door open or closed?
I’m a door half open kind of guy.
-Jarod Kintz
I have a necklace i wear that dangles near my heart. It's a combination crusifix/compass, because Jesus knows where I am at all times.
The Mythicla Mr. Boo is allergic to all things relative to the number two. That's why he never learned to ride a bicycle (two wheels), that's why he only walks on all fours, and that's why he never takes shits.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is not allergic to feet, he's allergic to shoe salesmen.
The Mythical Mr. Boo thinks the line between genius and madness is like every picture of a UFO--blurry. And so is his mad vision for the world, unless you have the proper perspective glasses which you can find for sale in the near future at jarodkintz.com.
The Mythical Mr. Boo doesn't believe in luck, although he does enjoy chopping off rabbit's feet.
The Mythical Mr. Boo enjoys setting all the clocks in his girlfriend's house back fifteen minutes, so that he is never more than fifteen minutes late.
-Jarod Kintz
If my balls were detachable, I'd rip them off and juggle all three of them for you.
I never take lunch breaks, because I love eating, and why would I want to take a break from something I love?
If you could have any mammal as a pet, what would you get? I'd get an exact clone of myself, so I could really pamper myself and spend some quality time with someone I like.
The Mythical Mr. Boo likes his baths like he likes his women--drained and dry.
My ex girlfriend once told me that the great feeling that accompanies a sneeze is 1/16th the feeling of an orgasm. So the next night, while we were having sex, I poured pepper all over her face and made her sneeze exactly 32 times, and felt damn proud to make her cum twice. (Two more than my previous record). I may only have a two inch penis, but I happen to possess an eight pound pepper shaker! Now she won't sleep with me. She claims she's allergic to sex.
-Jarod Kintz
I think I drink too much. I gave blood the other day and instead of extracting it with a needle, they used a beer tap.
-Jarod Kintz
-Shortest relationship:
a couple of midgets
-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you?
Too many silly boys tell me they love me
-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?:
Yes, I loved a knife once, and although it touched me deeper than anyone I know, it still hurt like a mother.
-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Yes, and I promised to never again pour pepper spray in their contact lens solution.
-Are you happier single or in a relationship?:
Depends on how hungry I am
-Have you ever had your heart broken?:
Several. But Mr. Boo has been my emotional super glue.
-Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Too many to count on one severed foot.
-Talk to any of your exes?
Well I ignored Lauren’s call last night because I figured she was calling to bitch me out about my last bulletin, the one with the horse penis in it. Lately she has gotten really boring, not to mention she hangs out with low brow people, so why would I want to talk to her? Man, now I’m really going to get a bitchy message from her.
-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?:
I’m a great boyfriend, and I’m not sure how good of a girlfriend I would make.
-Have you been in an abusive relationship?
I had a whole joke written here, but I decided to delete it.
-Have you dated someone older then you?:
In dog years, Spot would have been my senior.
-Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?
That one time with the scissors, the thong, the midget named Cliff, the car and the cliff, not to mention the sharks below in the water.
-believe in love at first sight?
Yes, especially if I were blind. Then my sight would be my touch, and I could tell just by grabbing ass and titties if I was in love.
-Ever dated two people at once?:
Yes, but they were joined at the hip. The left broad got jealous of the right broad.
-Do you want to get married?:
Yes, on a Tuesday
-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?:
I’m sorry. Really.
-Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?:
No, because although she was small, she wouldn’t fit in my pocket.
-Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?:
Yes, when having an out of body experience, I am actually quite fond of the one I’m with.
-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?:
I don’t know, I think it has kind of a musical ring.
-Is break up sex allowed?
Isn’t that what cheating is?
-Is it ever okay to lie to your partner?
No, only lie next to them, unless they steal the blankets and drool on your pillow.
-Jarod Kintz
“The world may be my stage, but nobody’s giving me props.”
“You’ve got to have enough confidence to make your own props before anybody else will give them to you. Flattery is the most fleeting kind of decoration.”
Tell a mamma’s boy a secret, and it’s in one ear and out the mother.
“Sex, like business, is better with multiple partners.”
“A guy like you is just out to fuck everybody, aren’t you?”
-Jarod Kintz
I think we should have a halloween party for all the members of this group. And I think we should have it in Liz's garage. I'm coming to the party dressed like a car.
-Jarod Kintz
Stickers on your car?
I once had a fantastic bumper sticker, at least until some jackass stole my bumper! And he didn’t even have the courtesy to leave me the rest of the car either!
What posters do you have in your room?
Pictures of dismembered family members (my great grand parents)
What do you hear right now?
Lies! Damned lies! All of it is lies. I won’t listen to your lies anymore!
If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be?
I’d chug water from the fountain of youth. Then I’d enjoy a pee that would be so perfect and pure, it just might be heaven.
Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My back. People’s knifes are just way too sharp nowadays for me to go backing up on them.
Ever take candy from someone?
Yeah I took candy. It came with the bitch’s purse.
What’s your job position called?
The Frog?
What size ring do you wear?
Magnum, thank you very much
Do you own a camera phone?
Yes, and all the people’s souls I’ve stolen by taking their pictures.
When's your birthday?
Every year. Well, so far anyways.
What was your elementary schools mascot?
A dunce
Whats your favorite bottled water?
One that’s half drunk. Because a bottle of water that’s intoxicated is a beautiful thing. Just don’t let it drive home.
What's the next concert/show you're going to and when?
I’m going to see Larry and the Milkshakes, because Larry’s band always seems to make him throw up on stage because he is lactose intolerant.
-Jarod Kintz
As a tribute to how elusive The Mythical Mr. Boo is, it is a known fact that the FBI currently has no existing file on him. But The Mythical Mr. Boo has a file on them. A file four inches thick (The Mythical Mr. Boo measured it against the width of his legendary penis).
They Mythical Mr. Boo won't ever go into a 'Lazy River' at any water park because it's entirely too much work.
The Mythical Mr. Boo does a lot of talking with his hands. And if you had ears on your cheeks, his words would really sting.
The Mythical Mr. Boo's penis is roughly the size and shape of a microphone, and he is known to do his fastest talking with his right hand.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is partly deaf, on his father's side.
They Mythical Mr. Boo tried to ship a pool table to Bermuda, but it disappeared in the triangle. It made it really hard for him to rack the balls, having a triangle and no table. So he played pool on a soccer field, and used soccer balls instead of pool balls. The Mythical Mr. Boo loves playing soccer.
The Mythical Mr. Boo is half Irish. The whole left side of his body is a Leprechau