Grandfather used to be a miner, and sex wasn't all that great. At least that's what I heard, not that I would know... because, how would I know that? Gabe Ruth
I like the comic alot. Have you ever thought about sending them in somewhere? You are just good enough to get published, but not so good that it will get you laid.
I think it is a great picture. There is one miner problem: from the angle he is at his pick makes him look like he is holding a giant penis. Was this intentional?
This is a funny comic! It just gave me a new idea for my next music video - I will rub my body with hot coals while under age girls shake it in the background! Awesome!
People say there is safety in numbers. But I know of a mathematician who nearly chocked to death on some pi, then drove his car off a cliff after taking the Gaussian curve at over eighty miles per hour. But he was strung out on a string of numbers. -Jarod Kintz
If Television Is Invaluable, How Much Is A Philo T. Farnsworth?
There are 24 hours in a day--three sets of eight hours--one for work, one for sleep, and one eight-hour block of my day I sit here on the sofa, munching on Doritoes and brushing the crumbs off my shirt and watching them roll in between the seat cushions, chugging my Bud Light, and turning the volume down every commercial break. My significant other is a Phillips flatscreen. The images flash sisteen times per second, decieving my eye into seeing movement, and each screen is composed of pixels-- dots of red, green, and blue--and I owe it all to you, so let me mute the tube while I lift my beer and say, this one's for you, Philo T. Farnsworth.
What if time travel existed, but you could only go back five seconds, or go into the future five seconds from n ow, would you do it? I think I would only jump to the future because I don't like the person I was. -Jarod Kintz
It's very dangerous to underestimate your overestimations of yor opponents. don't even think about it, just saw off their fingers and pounce and stomp on their genitalia. -Jarod Kintz
I want to set a Guiness Book Of World Records. I want to travel to India, have everyone stand in a strait line, and play the largest game of connect the dots. -Jarod Kintz
Courage and fear are like homosexual lovers. Courage always wants to wear the dress, but sometimes you've just got to say, No Bitch, you're wearing the pants tonight. -Jarod Kintz
Dignity can not be sold, no matter how much the rich man is willing to pay for it. But if you could, I would be selling it. Is that undignified? Who are you to judge me? -Jarod Kintz
You can't buy food with dignity alone, you have to have dollars too. And neither can you acquire dignity by eating someone who is dignified, I've already tried. -Jarod Kintz
When I was young and foolish (this morning) I used to have lots of wild sex. But then I reached a point where I wasn't satisfied, I needed more. I had to eat something, and she loved it. -Jarod Kintz
I knew I had a drinking problem when I went to Transylvania and got bit by a vampire, who then Spastically careened his hearse into a brick wall. Knowing the bars wouldn't open for another several hours I quickly bandaged my wound so as not to lose any more liquer. -Jarod Kintz
Ideas are like underwear. Some are preffered by little boys, some may fit you just right, and some may seem white and fresh, but when you try them on are really full of shit. -Jarod Kintz
As a test of loyalty, I cut off my finger and gave it to my boss. He was pleased and he used it to plug up his anal leakage. It's not quite big enough though, so he wants my big toe now. I don't want my gift to go to waste, so I'll make him eat it as finger food. -Jarod Kintz
I like my friends. I always have between six to twenty four friends at a time. My friends bring out both the best and worst in me. Some people don't like my friends. They're pretty cold, but I like to keep them refrigerated. -Jarod Kintz
The first time I had sex was more enjoyable than the second time. But my second time was my first time, and she was the third girl I'd been with four times in a span of about five minutes. -Jarod Kintz
The second girl I had sex with was the first girl I'd ever loved, and the first girl I had sex with was the second girl I'd ever loved. But the first time I had sex for the second time it was a threesome, or mostly a two by one as I mainly watched and made grunting noises like you might imagine a pregnant elk making in the middle of the woods when it doesn't know you are filming, just as I was outside of the window that one glorious afternoon four days ago. -Jarod Kintz
Yesterday I had a shouting match with a fool. He kept repeating every word I said. I didn't catch his name, but my spelunking partner kept calling him Echo. -Jarod Kintz
You can take the daughter out of the mother,(it's better to have a doctor help you with this) but you can't take the mother out of the daughter. -Jarod Kintz
For me, my girlfriend is my family. And family always comes first, second, and sometimes third depending on how much stamina I am having at the moment. -Jarod Kintz
Not getting laid can be a crippling experience, I chopped off a bitches legs after she wouldn't put out. Then I put out her eyes and had my way with her anyway!!!(Mathilda The Warrior King) --Jarod Kintz
I always like to plan on having sex. No last minute sex for me. Probably because the last minute is the first minute give or take thirty seconds or so. -Jarod Kintz
I would like to find a band where both the lead singer and air guitarist are deaf and have no fingers, and the drummer plays with his feet. If they exist, I think their name should be the Angry Appendages. -Jarod Kintz
If Jesus would have been a lumberjack instead of a carpenter, would he have come to save the trees? I don't think so, that's why I start forest fires. -Jarod Kintz
I hate all these cell phones with cameras in them. Last night I was having phone sex and I accidentally took a picture, then emailed the inside of some girl's muff to my mother. My father was pissed that he didn't get the pic. too. -Jarod Kintz
Uncle Oracle, You are right about Jenn, she probably does wear great deoderant. Her armpits probably smell as great as do her toenails. I would like to get inside your head(if I could fit, I am 6-3) and hide out from my bill collectors. I owe them money from a deluxe finger nail clipping set (it's a hobby of mine, clipping my toe nails), as well as some new Old Spice that wasn't all that spicey, but tasted more like fingernail clipings. I assume we could start a sub-sub topic that rambles on about nothing and everything underneath toenails and also how to stop world hunger through mass production of deoderant sticks and processed cheese made from the milk of my mother's breasts (I never got any when I was growing up, so there is plenty left over). So, yeah, this could be sub-sub-toenail group that discusses the different applications of women's deoderant on the male palette(did I spell that right). -Jarod
I want your cat Josh. Did I tell you the story of the girl I met in Savannah with the nice cat? I ate it all night long. She loved it, but I should have eaten her dog instead. At least he was shaved. -Jarod Kintz
I'm kind of afraid of clowns. Clowns and heights. I'm really afraid of tall clowns. Tall clowns who eat little boy's mothers (like the one that ate mine), without even letting them bottle up the milk they are suckng so they can have something to remember her and drink to later on in life. I could have used it yesterday when I put orange juice in my cereal. -Jarod Kintz
My love for my wife and my ex girlfriend was like a hermaphrodite trying to figure out which restroom to go into. I didn't know which one was going to get used and feel shitty. -Jarod Kintz
It takes a strong minded individual to lead the weary to water and then have the peace of mind to drown them and scurry back into the thickets of society. -Jarod Kintz
He's so fat he could be his own city with a mayor, and he's so stupid he'd lose the mayoral race to the man with down syndrome who, at the grocery store, packs my food into his pockets as he hits on my wife before holding one hand out for a tip and the other one in his pocket jiggling both my food and his balls. -Jarod Kintz
Anger is like having a nut sack hanging from your upper lip. It really gets in the way of what you're saying, as well as leaves a bad taste in your mouth. -Jarod Kintz
-A woman with a door knob on her chest will not let you in the back door.
-It's hot in this room. It's like an oven, minus all the Polish people.
-I saw what i thought was this wonderfully realistic scultpture of a man carved out of ice. It turned out not to be a sculpture at all, but was just a German guy standing naked in my freezer.
-I won't dance on Tuesdays, esxcept with Kathleen, who only dances on Thursdays. BUt she lives in France, and only dances with French men who live in England. Yet she is afraid to cross the English channel.
-The aesthetes were rather silly and put beauty before thought. Great concepts are the highest beauty, and not all things glittery and frilly.
-Anywhere is better than nowhere, especially when you are everywhere, and everyone else is anywhere else. -Jarod Kintz
I'm allergic to ignorant people. I'm so allergic that I'm constantly making myself sneeze.
I love interior decorating. And I couldn't decide where to put my new coffee table the other day, but after a heated debate with my neighbor about it, I found that it really looked nice through his big bay windows to his living room. But even harder than finding the new place for it was heaving it through the window.
If you wake up drunk one morning, after a crazy party, and hobble to your front door to find you have one too many shoes, it's not illogical to think that somebody might have stolen your leg.
A camera is too realistic to really catch a great memory. All my best memories are air brushed with my imagination.
Yesterday is today's wife, and tomorrow is today's mistress. It's always more comfortable to talk about your wife, but it's more exciting to think about your mistress. -Jarod Kintz
I ate a whole can of peaches just now and boy are my gums sore. Metal is sure hard to chew.
What kind of drink contains an orange, a pineapple, and a few ethnics? One that is perfectly blended in society.
If a piece of paper cuts you, don't go Paul Bunyon and start chopping down all the trees.
If there were a man with four hands, each pointing in all directions, and you aksed for directions, it would be wiser to shake his hand after he finished giving directions, and not during.
I like to wear helmets on my feet and walk around kicking people in the face just to prove that helmets don't always protect the head, sometimes they can cause great damage. -Jarod Kintz
I wanted to stay friends forever, but as I stood there for about half a minute, with the hose splashing all over my pants, and pondering eternity, the fire that was our friendship quickly engulfed him, and I heard his screams as he burned to death. It makes me sad when I reflect on that evening. Sad that as fate would flicker like a flame on that random night; I didn't have any marshmallows in my pockets. And I don't even have to pain myself to remember that my chocolate bars were in my other jacket. And without the glory of Smores, it would seem as if my best friend died for nothing. Yes, it is true that I could have doused him with the hose, and saved his life, but I was far too busy covering up the fact that I pissed myself with delight. -Jarod Kintz
The West Undies: The Death of Dirty Laundry By Jarod Kintz
Setting: Exclusive mansion in tobago right on the beach. Night.
Mr. Robinson, 50ish white guy with graying brown hair dressed in a tailored suit, white shirt, red tie. Handsome, but imposing. Ferdy, 24, light skinned Caribbean/African beauty with an athletic body.
Mr. Robinson is pacing around the living room swishing his Bourbon around before there is a nock at the front door. Ferdy enters dressed in a low cut, form fitting dress and high heels. Mr. Robinson glances at his watch.
Mr. Robinson: I guess I’m not paying for punctuality. Ferdy: Good evening to you, too. Sorry, I had some family problems. Mr. Robinson: Would you like a drink? Ferdy: White Russian, please. More white than Russian,. At least at first. Mr. Robinson: The Mythical Mr. Boo told me you were beautiful, but he barely scratched the surface in his description of you. Ferdy: Thanks. But I don’t believe I know him. Who is he? Mr. Robinson: (laughs) The Mythical Mr. Boo is a mist behind a mask, a shadow in a cave. Ferdy: Sounds creepy. Mr. Robinson: Yes, Mr. Boo has a power that is frightening when you stop to consider it. But I won’t bore you with all that. Not that you’d understand. Ferdy: Oh, so it’s going to be like that, huh? Mr. Robinson: I’m sorry, I haven’t even introduced myself and already I’ve offended you. You can call me Mr. Robinson.. Ferdy: Mr. Robinson, or master Robinson? Doesn’t matter. You can call me Ferdy, because although today is Tuesday, it’s my payday Friday. Mr. Robinson: Ha ha listen, if I made you uncomfortable, or self conscious, I apologize. Not to sound cliché, but you are rather sexy when you get angry. You’ve got a beautiful complexion. Like the shade of a well stirred white Russian. Are you mixed? Here’s your drink. Ferdy: Yes. My father was a white bastard, like you. And like you, he had a wife, but he’d come through Tobago “on business” and then left when his end of the business was finished. Mr. Robinson: What makes you think I have a wife? Ferdy: Because you have a slight wedding band tan on your ring finger. Mr. Robinson: Clever girl. Ferdy:: Yeah, well it was daddy’s money that put me through Columbia university. I met a few people like you when I was there. Mr. Robinson: Like me? How so? Ferdy: You know, guys who think they can buy whatever they desire. Guys who manipulate and destroy everything around them. Men like you and this elusive “Mr. Boo” who move in silence, who are the pinnacle of power in the world. Mr. Robinson: My dear girl, life isn’t a pyramid, it’s a circle. Everybody serves somebody, and tonight you happen to be serving me. Ferdy: But not every society succumbs to servitude. Mr. Robinson: Oh? Ferdy: No. The West doesn’t serve the East. And the North is always on top of the South. Mr. Robinson: I suppose-- Ferdy: I suppose you’ve never stopped to consider it. And while is true that you answer to your boss, Mr. Robinson, it’s obvious that a man like you never answers to a person in my position. I’m always beneath you. Mr. Robinson: Not tonight, my dear. Tonight I want you to be on top! Ferdy: Even if I am on top, I’m still underneath you. And that makes me sick. Mr. Robinson: Nobody forced you to come tonight. I’m paying for carnal pleasure, not a lecture. $20,000 is a lot of money. I could hire a few women for that kind of currency. Ferdy: So why don’t you? Mr. Robinson: Because you came highly recommended. But it is an interesting concept, hiring several women. I’ve often felt that sex, like business, is better with multiple partners. Ferdy: Yes, I can see how a man like you finds pleasure in fucking everyone. So what’s your deal? You fly half way around the world to get laid? I mean, presumably you’re from New York. I recognize a New Yorker anywhere. Mr. Robinson. Yes, I am from New York. And what alternative do I have? New York is a small place. People talk, especially about a man in my position. Discretion is of the utmost importance. Ferdy: I see. Mr. Robinosn. Now, slip off that dress, let’s see what you’re working with. Ferdy: You’re the boss. At least for tonight.
****
The Mythical Mr. Boo: So, what’d you think of the dark skinned beauty I found for you? Mr. Robinson: She was fantastic. Only one problem though. The Mythical Mr. Boo: Yeah? What’s that? Mr. Robinson.: She was a little too clever for her own good. Turns out that she studied in New York. She recognized that’s where I was from. And I can’t take the chance that this Caribbean whore won’t show up causing problems for me and my family. The Mythical Mr. Boo: Yes, that is a problem. But not a very big one. I can promise you that I’ll take care of her and her sickly old mother. You know she’s not really one of my regular girls, right? This was a one time deal for her. She needed the money to fly her mother to the States to get a heart operation. Mr. Robinson: Tragic. This may sound cold, but is there any way I could get the money we gave her back after you take care of her, minus your cut of course? One of my son’s friend’s is having a birthday party, and it might make a nice gesture to give the kid something pretty nice. The Mythical Mr. Boo: Of course, I’ll see what I can do. Mr. Robinson: Good. It’s always a pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Boo.
I'm a contrarian among contrarians. I follow the crowd.
He said, "Let me put it modestly. It would take an average man 1,000, 100-year lifetimes to accomplish what I can do it ten minutes." "Yes," I replied. "But can you masturbate left handed?"
In the Caribbean there used to be so many pirates that it makes me wonder if cannon balls grew on trees. Everything else grew in the Caribbean. cannon ball trees, I can just see it now.
I once drank too much brew and met a broad with really broad shoulders, so I took her home to find out that she wasn't a broad, but a Brad. Then I kicked her out and spent the whole night brooding about the broad named Brad that I met in Brandon, Fl. Then I thought about how trashy poetry uses alliteration sometimes. But so does great poetry. Damn you Brad. -Jarod Kintz
116 Comments:
No it's not. Trust me, all you get is dirty sheets and a weird taste in your mouth.
Very clever. The perfect blend of wit and humor. I like it. Make it a shirt and it will sell like crazy.
George
Grandfather used to be a miner, and sex wasn't all that great. At least that's what I heard, not that I would know... because, how would I know that?
Gabe Ruth
It is coal to sleep with whomever you want as long as you are mining diamonds.
Niggelsby
Very funny! Good drawing! If only my boyfriend looked like that...
Shana
I like the comic alot. Have you ever thought about sending them in somewhere? You are just good enough to get published, but not so good that it will get you laid.
Kip
I disagree with Kip. I'd do him.
-Gigglebrooks
Giggle,
You would do anyone.
Funny stuff. But the comic isn't drawn as cool as some of the others.
-Just a thought
Miners ROCK!
I think it is a great picture. There is one miner problem: from the angle he is at his pick makes him look like he is holding a giant penis. Was this intentional?
Just a question.
Did somebody say penis? That reminds me-I'm hungry.Miners are filthy. that's why I love them.
I've been aquitted on all counts of molesting a miner!!!
Ooops! Silly me. I meant a minor. He He He
Very funny cartoon... but it does look like he is about to rub one out.
Jarod,
I'm glad to see your against pedophilia. Maybe you can forward your drawing to the anti-NAMBLA people.
It's good to see your against sex with miners. Even tho they're sooooo voluptuous !
Funny comic! Good drawing, it fits the saying well.
Becca
This is a funny comic! It just gave me a new idea for my next music video - I will rub my body with hot coals while under age girls shake it in the background! Awesome!
Justin Timberlake
Actually it is cool to have sex with minors, especially when it is your child.
Woody Allen
I like to have sex with goats. no miners.
It's not coal to have sex with miners. That's pretty funny Jarod.
You're a sick bastard
I think you should eat a can of worms and lick soap on a stick you foul-mouthed florida person you.
-your grandmother
I once met a person who was uptight. Well I* didn't really meet her, she didnt talk.
The shortest distance between two points is a blocked shot.
-Jarod Kintz
Friends are like dolls. They are fun to dress up and they always good at keeping there mouth shut when they are supposed to.
Lauren Zimpel
People say there is safety in numbers. But I know of a mathematician who nearly chocked to death on some pi, then drove his car off a cliff after taking the Gaussian curve at over eighty miles per hour. But he was strung out on a string of numbers.
-Jarod Kintz
I choose my mate not based on beauty but based on wit. I'd rather be stuck on a ship with someone clever you know what I mean.
Lauren Zimpel
Why did the girl fall off the swing? She had no arms!
I want to sell dirt in a jar on eBay. I'll call it Nirvana dirt on the path to enlightenment, and sell it for a hundred dollars a jar.
-Jarod Kintz
If Television Is Invaluable, How Much Is A Philo T. Farnsworth?
There are 24 hours
in a day--three sets
of eight hours--one
for work, one for sleep,
and one eight-hour
block of my day I sit
here on the sofa,
munching on Doritoes
and brushing the crumbs
off my shirt and watching
them roll in between
the seat cushions,
chugging my Bud Light,
and turning the volume
down every commercial
break. My significant
other is a Phillips
flatscreen. The images
flash sisteen times
per second, decieving
my eye into seeing
movement, and each screen
is composed of pixels--
dots of red, green,
and blue--and I owe
it all to you, so let
me mute the tube while
I lift my beer and say,
this one's for you,
Philo T. Farnsworth.
-Jarod Kintz
I have no money to burn, but a surplus of lighters.
-Jarod Kintz
I have money to burn, so I got an expensive girlfriend and set her on fire.
-Jarod Kintz
I like cold, hard cash, so I freeze my wallet.
-Jarod Kintz
money is as imaginary as my girlfriend, but very visible when burned.
-Jarod Kintz
I like making money, I make it out of wood. I make nickels mostly.
-Jarod Kintz
If I had all the money in the world, I would need to get a bigger mattress.
-Jarod Kintz
I like taking shits. I take them everywhere I go. They fit nicely in my back pocket, behind my wallet.
-Jarod Kintz
If I had a banana for a thumb, I wouldn't suck on my thumb, I'd eat it.
-Jarod Kintz
What if time travel existed, but you could only go back five seconds, or go into the future five seconds from n ow, would you do it? I think I would only jump to the future because I don't like the person I was.
-Jarod Kintz
It's not enough to be better than your opponent, sometimes you've got to hack off their limbs and suffocate their children too.
-Jarod Kintz
It's very dangerous to underestimate your overestimations of yor opponents. don't even think about it, just saw off their fingers and pounce and stomp on their genitalia.
-Jarod Kintz
The street that my house was on had lots of pot holes on it, so they paved over it. Now I've got nowhere to live.
-Jarod Kintz
The world is overpopulated now. I say we get rid of at least seven people. I have dug a hole, and I have this list here...
-Jarod Kintz
I want to set a Guiness Book Of World Records. I want to travel to India, have everyone stand in a strait line, and play the largest game of connect the dots.
-Jarod Kintz
Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.
-Jarod Kintz
The road to being couragous is a long dusty one filled with many bars. Drink up my weak friend.
-Jarod Kintz
Absolut and Powerade corrupt absolutely.
-Jarod Kintz
Courage and fear are like homosexual lovers. Courage always wants to wear the dress, but sometimes you've just got to say, No Bitch, you're wearing the pants tonight.
-Jarod Kintz
Dignity can not be sold, no matter how much the rich man is willing to pay for it. But if you could, I would be selling it. Is that undignified? Who are you to judge me?
-Jarod Kintz
You can't buy food with dignity alone, you have to have dollars too. And neither can you acquire dignity by eating someone who is dignified, I've already tried.
-Jarod Kintz
I had a boss one time who had at least three inch long ears. His name was Mr. Bainus, and boy did I have Bainus envy.
-Jarod Kintz
When I was young and foolish (this morning) I used to have lots of wild sex. But then I reached a point where I wasn't satisfied, I needed more. I had to eat something, and she loved it.
-Jarod Kintz
I knew I had a drinking problem when I went to Transylvania and got bit by a vampire, who then Spastically careened his hearse into a brick wall. Knowing the bars wouldn't open for another several hours I quickly bandaged my wound so as not to lose any more liquer.
-Jarod Kintz
The man with the tallest cook doesn't always satisfy the woman, but the man with the fattest cook does.
-Jarod Kintz
Memories are like sweaters. They may fade over time, but they will keep you warm, even if they are not yours.
-Jarod Kintz
Memories are like bodies. Some are alive, some are decaying, some are burried really deep, but none of them should be burned.
-Jarod Kintz
A writer must keep pumping out ideas like loads of semen. Some ideas will impregnate society, and some will just be blank.
-Jarod Kintz
Ideas are like underwear. Some are preffered by little boys, some may fit you just right, and some may seem white and fresh, but when you try them on are really full of shit.
-Jarod Kintz
As a test of loyalty, I cut off my finger and gave it to my boss. He was pleased and he used it to plug up his anal leakage. It's not quite big enough though, so he wants my big toe now. I don't want my gift to go to waste, so I'll make him eat it as finger food.
-Jarod Kintz
You can burn people, but you won't urn many friends that way.
-Jarod Kintz
I like my friends. I always have between six to twenty four friends at a time. My friends bring out both the best and worst in me. Some people don't like my friends. They're pretty cold, but I like to keep them refrigerated.
-Jarod Kintz
Cybersex, what is that? How do people have sex online? With over 1 billion people online, isn't it a little too crowded to have sex?
-Jarod Kintz
The first time I had sex was more enjoyable than the second time. But my second time was my first time, and she was the third girl I'd been with four times in a span of about five minutes.
-Jarod Kintz
The second girl I had sex with was the first girl I'd ever loved, and the first girl I had sex with was the second girl I'd ever loved. But the first time I had sex for the second time it was a threesome, or mostly a two by one as I mainly watched and made grunting noises like you might imagine a pregnant elk making in the middle of the woods when it doesn't know you are filming, just as I was outside of the window that one glorious afternoon four days ago.
-Jarod Kintz
Yesterday I had a shouting match with a fool. He kept repeating every word I said. I didn't catch his name, but my spelunking partner kept calling him Echo.
-Jarod Kintz
I never drink alone, I prefer drinking vodka.
-Jarod Kintz
My father was my hero. He was a man of steel. His name was Rusty.
-Jarod Kintz
You can take the daughter out of the mother,(it's better to have a doctor help you with this) but you can't take the mother out of the daughter.
-Jarod Kintz
A father should be a big part of a son's life, even if he was only a slightly bigger than average part of the mother's.
-JArod Kintz
For me, my girlfriend is my family. And family always comes first, second, and sometimes third depending on how much stamina I am having at the moment.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm a family man. I put the kin in Kintz.
-JArod Kintz
The government is big. So are my balls. I feel the people should be paying taxes to both.
-Jarod Kintz
Blondes have morphine.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to freeze my feces in blocks of 8x10 and distribute them to the homeless on hot summer nights.
-Jarod Kintz
Not getting laid can be a crippling experience, I chopped off a bitches legs after she wouldn't put out. Then I put out her eyes and had my way with her anyway!!!(Mathilda The Warrior King)
--Jarod Kintz
Floral sex is best with Tulips.
-Jarod Kintz
Just because I'm in a woman doesn't mean we're in a relationship.
-Jarod Kintz
If there were a bottle of Vodka with a wide enough opening that felt like a vagina, I'd never leave the bathroom.
-Jarod Kintz
Porn is so addicting. It's like crack except stickier.
-Jarod Kintz
Porn is so addicting. I need to check myself into rehab and just avoid shaking anybody's hands.
-Jarod Kintz
I gave up giving for Lent because nobody returned what they borrowed.
-Jarod Kintz
I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.
-Jarod Kintz
I can go from four inches to two inches in just under three minutes.
-Jarod Kintz
I always like to plan on having sex. No last minute sex for me. Probably because the last minute is the first minute give or take thirty seconds or so.
-Jarod Kintz
For me, cumming is a victory, but I don't like to "rub it in people's faces after I win."
-Jarod Kintz
There is an army of sex positions, and only one man capable of leading them all. I, of course, lead best from behind.
-Jarod Kintz
The people in line at Wal-Mart are like rocks. Great for skipping, and better off at the bottom of a lake.
-Jarod Kintz
I would like to find a band where both the lead singer and air guitarist are deaf and have no fingers, and the drummer plays with his feet. If they exist, I think their name should be the Angry Appendages.
-Jarod Kintz
If Jesus would have been a lumberjack instead of a carpenter, would he have come to save the trees? I don't think so, that's why I start forest fires.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate all these cell phones with cameras in them. Last night I was having phone sex and I accidentally took a picture, then emailed the inside of some girl's muff to my mother. My father was pissed that he didn't get the pic. too.
-Jarod Kintz
I love filling your mouth, I mean mind, with loads of cum, uh, new thoughts. I like how you eat it up too.
-Jarod Kintz
Uncle Oracle, You are right about Jenn, she probably does wear great deoderant. Her armpits probably smell as great as do her toenails. I would like to get inside your head(if I could fit, I am 6-3) and hide out from my bill collectors. I owe them money from a deluxe finger nail clipping set (it's a hobby of mine, clipping my toe nails), as well as some new Old Spice that wasn't all that spicey, but tasted more like fingernail clipings. I assume we could start a sub-sub topic that rambles on about nothing and everything underneath toenails and also how to stop world hunger through mass production of deoderant sticks and processed cheese made from the milk of my mother's breasts (I never got any when I was growing up, so there is plenty left over). So, yeah, this could be sub-sub-toenail group that discusses the different applications of women's deoderant on the male palette(did I spell that right).
-Jarod
I like making money. I make it out of wood. Mostly I make nickels. I like whittling my time away.
-Jarod Kintz
I want your cat Josh. Did I tell you the story of the girl I met in Savannah with the nice cat? I ate it all night long. She loved it, but I should have eaten her dog instead. At least he was shaved.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm kind of afraid of clowns. Clowns and heights. I'm really afraid of tall clowns. Tall clowns who eat little boy's mothers (like the one that ate mine), without even letting them bottle up the milk they are suckng so they can have something to remember her and drink to later on in life. I could have used it yesterday when I put orange juice in my cereal.
-Jarod Kintz
Why does the smell of shit always remind me of my ex-girlfriends?
-Jarod Kintz
My ex boyfriend could have been a condom tester, he was the world's largest dick.
-Jarod Kintz
My love for my wife and my ex girlfriend was like a hermaphrodite trying to figure out which restroom to go into. I didn't know which one was going to get used and feel shitty.
-Jarod Kintz
Our relationship was a parachute that she ripped apart before pushing me out the door. I fell hard and fast.
-Jarod Kintz
A relationship between three people is like a backseat. Somebody's going to end up being the bitch in the middle.
-Jarod Kintz
It takes a strong minded individual to lead the weary to water and then have the peace of mind to drown them and scurry back into the thickets of society.
-Jarod Kintz
He's so fat he could be his own city with a mayor, and he's so stupid he'd lose the mayoral race to the man with down syndrome who, at the grocery store, packs my food into his pockets as he hits on my wife before holding one hand out for a tip and the other one in his pocket jiggling both my food and his balls.
-Jarod Kintz
Jealousy is as useless as having two ball sacks, and even more annoying than all the itching and scratching after a heavy run.
-Jarod Kintz
Anger is like having a nut sack hanging from your upper lip. It really gets in the way of what you're saying, as well as leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
-Jarod Kintz
Grrrrr-oan! Terrible pun! That's it, yer off my list! x ~ Lisa ~
You write so clearly you make me want to pull out my pencil. Let me bend over real quick and get it out.
-Jarod Kintz
-A woman with a door knob on her chest will not let you in the back door.
-It's hot in this room. It's like an oven, minus all the Polish people.
-I saw what i thought was this wonderfully realistic scultpture of a man carved out of ice. It turned out not to be a sculpture at all, but was just a German guy standing naked in my freezer.
-I won't dance on Tuesdays, esxcept with Kathleen, who only dances on Thursdays. BUt she lives in France, and only dances with French men who live in England. Yet she is afraid to cross the English channel.
-The aesthetes were rather silly and put beauty before thought. Great concepts are the highest beauty, and not all things glittery and frilly.
-Anywhere is better than nowhere, especially when you are everywhere, and everyone else is anywhere else.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm allergic to ignorant people. I'm so allergic that I'm constantly making myself sneeze.
I love interior decorating. And I couldn't decide where to put my new coffee table the other day, but after a heated debate with my neighbor about it, I found that it really looked nice through his big bay windows to his living room. But even harder than finding the new place for it was heaving it through the window.
If you wake up drunk one morning, after a crazy party, and hobble to your front door to find you have one too many shoes, it's not illogical to think that somebody might have stolen your leg.
A camera is too realistic to really catch a great memory. All my best memories are air brushed with my imagination.
Yesterday is today's wife, and tomorrow is today's mistress. It's always more comfortable to talk about your wife, but it's more exciting to think about your mistress.
-Jarod Kintz
I ate a whole can of peaches just now and boy are my gums sore. Metal is sure hard to chew.
What kind of drink contains an orange, a pineapple, and a few ethnics? One that is perfectly blended in society.
If a piece of paper cuts you, don't go Paul Bunyon and start chopping down all the trees.
If there were a man with four hands, each pointing in all directions, and you aksed for directions, it would be wiser to shake his hand after he finished giving directions, and not during.
I like to wear helmets on my feet and walk around kicking people in the face just to prove that helmets don't always protect the head, sometimes they can cause great damage.
-Jarod Kintz
I wanted to stay friends forever, but as I stood there for about half a minute, with the hose splashing all over my pants, and pondering eternity, the fire that was our friendship quickly engulfed him, and I heard his screams as he burned to death. It makes me sad when I reflect on that evening. Sad that as fate would flicker like a flame on that random night; I didn't have any marshmallows in my pockets. And I don't even have to pain myself to remember that my chocolate bars were in my other jacket. And without the glory of Smores, it would seem as if my best friend died for nothing. Yes, it is true that I could have doused him with the hose, and saved his life, but I was far too busy covering up the fact that I pissed myself with delight.
-Jarod Kintz
The last poem was called The Glow of Friendship
-JArod Kintz
The West Undies: The Death of Dirty Laundry
By Jarod Kintz
Setting: Exclusive mansion in tobago right on the beach. Night.
Mr. Robinson, 50ish white guy with graying brown hair dressed in a tailored suit, white shirt, red tie. Handsome, but imposing.
Ferdy, 24, light skinned Caribbean/African beauty with an athletic body.
Mr. Robinson is pacing around the living room swishing his Bourbon around before there is a nock at the front door. Ferdy enters dressed in a low cut, form fitting dress and high heels. Mr. Robinson glances at his watch.
Mr. Robinson: I guess I’m not paying for punctuality.
Ferdy: Good evening to you, too. Sorry, I had some family problems.
Mr. Robinson: Would you like a drink?
Ferdy: White Russian, please. More white than Russian,. At least at first.
Mr. Robinson: The Mythical Mr. Boo told me you were beautiful, but he barely scratched the surface in his description of you.
Ferdy: Thanks. But I don’t believe I know him. Who is he?
Mr. Robinson: (laughs) The Mythical Mr. Boo is a mist behind a mask, a shadow in a cave.
Ferdy: Sounds creepy.
Mr. Robinson: Yes, Mr. Boo has a power that is frightening when you stop to consider it. But I won’t bore you with all that. Not that you’d understand.
Ferdy: Oh, so it’s going to be like that, huh?
Mr. Robinson: I’m sorry, I haven’t even introduced myself and already I’ve offended you. You can call me Mr. Robinson..
Ferdy: Mr. Robinson, or master Robinson? Doesn’t matter. You can call me Ferdy, because although today is Tuesday, it’s my payday Friday.
Mr. Robinson: Ha ha listen, if I made you uncomfortable, or self conscious, I apologize. Not to sound cliché, but you are rather sexy when you get angry. You’ve got a beautiful complexion. Like the shade of a well stirred white Russian. Are you mixed? Here’s your drink.
Ferdy: Yes. My father was a white bastard, like you. And like you, he had a wife, but he’d come through Tobago “on business” and then left when his end of the business was finished.
Mr. Robinson: What makes you think I have a wife?
Ferdy: Because you have a slight wedding band tan on your ring finger.
Mr. Robinson: Clever girl.
Ferdy:: Yeah, well it was daddy’s money that put me through Columbia university. I met a few people like you when I was there.
Mr. Robinson: Like me? How so?
Ferdy: You know, guys who think they can buy whatever they desire. Guys who manipulate and destroy everything around them. Men like you and this elusive “Mr. Boo” who move in silence, who are the pinnacle of power in the world.
Mr. Robinson: My dear girl, life isn’t a pyramid, it’s a circle. Everybody serves somebody, and tonight you happen to be serving me.
Ferdy: But not every society succumbs to servitude.
Mr. Robinson: Oh?
Ferdy: No. The West doesn’t serve the East. And the North is always on top of the South.
Mr. Robinson: I suppose--
Ferdy: I suppose you’ve never stopped to consider it. And while is true that you answer to your boss, Mr. Robinson, it’s obvious that a man like you never answers to a person in my position. I’m always beneath you.
Mr. Robinson: Not tonight, my dear. Tonight I want you to be on top!
Ferdy: Even if I am on top, I’m still underneath you. And that makes me sick.
Mr. Robinson: Nobody forced you to come tonight. I’m paying for carnal pleasure, not a lecture. $20,000 is a lot of money. I could hire a few women for that kind of currency.
Ferdy: So why don’t you?
Mr. Robinson: Because you came highly recommended. But it is an interesting concept, hiring several women. I’ve often felt that sex, like business, is better with multiple partners.
Ferdy: Yes, I can see how a man like you finds pleasure in fucking everyone. So what’s your deal? You fly half way around the world to get laid? I mean, presumably you’re from New York. I recognize a New Yorker anywhere.
Mr. Robinson. Yes, I am from New York. And what alternative do I have? New York is a small place. People talk, especially about a man in my position. Discretion is of the utmost importance.
Ferdy: I see.
Mr. Robinosn. Now, slip off that dress, let’s see what you’re working with.
Ferdy: You’re the boss. At least for tonight.
****
The Mythical Mr. Boo: So, what’d you think of the dark skinned beauty I found for you?
Mr. Robinson: She was fantastic. Only one problem though.
The Mythical Mr. Boo: Yeah? What’s that?
Mr. Robinson.: She was a little too clever for her own good. Turns out that she studied in New York. She recognized that’s where I was from. And I can’t take the chance that this Caribbean whore won’t show up causing problems for me and my family.
The Mythical Mr. Boo: Yes, that is a problem. But not a very big one. I can promise you that I’ll take care of her and her sickly old mother. You know she’s not really one of my regular girls, right? This was a one time deal for her. She needed the money to fly her mother to the States to get a heart operation.
Mr. Robinson: Tragic. This may sound cold, but is there any way I could get the money we gave her back after you take care of her, minus your cut of course? One of my son’s friend’s is having a birthday party, and it might make a nice gesture to give the kid something pretty nice.
The Mythical Mr. Boo: Of course, I’ll see what I can do.
Mr. Robinson: Good. It’s always a pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Boo.
I'm a contrarian among contrarians. I follow the crowd.
He said, "Let me put it modestly. It would take an average man 1,000, 100-year lifetimes to accomplish what I can do it ten minutes."
"Yes," I replied. "But can you masturbate left handed?"
In the Caribbean there used to be so many pirates that it makes me wonder if cannon balls grew on trees. Everything else grew in the Caribbean. cannon ball trees, I can just see it now.
I once drank too much brew and met a broad with really broad shoulders, so I took her home to find out that she wasn't a broad, but a Brad. Then I kicked her out and spent the whole night brooding about the broad named Brad that I met in Brandon, Fl. Then I thought about how trashy poetry uses alliteration sometimes. But so does great poetry. Damn you Brad.
-Jarod Kintz
A woman with a door knob on her chest will not let you in the back door. Trust me, I stood there knocking for hours.
-Jarod Kintz
Post a Comment
<< Home