tragic picture. You know they say you die in mid air from a heart attack, and not from the impact. I had an Uncle who fell out of his kitchen cabinet and died only inches from the ground. Too bad too. He owed me money. J.O.K. (Orafoura)
This office building reminds me of where I work. What the reader dosen't know is that on the inside of that door it reads "MENS RESTROOM". Hey, us ladies have to get ahead somehow.
Definitely draw the inside of the building and copy and paste it as a second frame next to the original. That would be really good. Us girls have to stick together! Men are lame.
There was a time in my life when I was so depressed you could have poured syrup on me and eaten me like a pancake. But that was then and this is five minutres from then, and now I look more like a waffle now. -Jarod Kintz
I once made a bong out of a shoe. Those were the good ol' days. I now have moved onto using old sports equipment, do you know where I can find some, preferably still sweaty?
Belinda, I also used to race slugs, before I hurt my knee that is. Now I just coach. But I have been known to spike my competition's Gatorade with salt. as far as sports equipment, I can hook you up with a used chess board. Is chess a sport? It always makes my armpits sweat with fear. I used to play pro chess. I quit after my Rook year. -Jarod Kintz
I searched for Bobby Fischer. I found him. He was hiding in an Australian castle with the King. He asked me if I had the money. I said what money? He said the check, Mate. -Jarod Kintz
What a weird coincidence, I used to mate with Bobby Fisher. But sadly he turned out to be a Queen. I believe that chess is a sport, unbeknown to most, like unicycling. One on the wheel is the real deal, don't you think?
Belinda, Yes I used to be into unicycling. But I don't watch much porn anymore. Now I only "ride" if there is another wheel. And I keep it safe, I always wear my helmet. Would you like to go on a bumpy ride with me?
I am not up to as much as I used to be, what with the loss of my legs in the Great Trombone Accident of 84' and all, but as long as the helmet is shiny and I can sit in the side cart, you do have a side cart don't you?
Belinda, Side cart? What kind of fetish is that? I'm not into midget sex. You should talk to Renaldo for that. My helmet is shiny and lubricated. -Jarod Kintz
Belinda, Yes I used to be into unicycling. But I don't watch much porn anymore. Now I only "ride" if there is another wheel. And I keep it safe, I always wear my helmet. Would you like to go on a bumpy ride with me? -Jarod Kintz
I just bought a new home with the financing genius of Jarod Kintz. Although it's a real shitbox, the festering stench has quite grown on me. Plus, I didn't pay shit for it. -Maurice Mcfeces
He had eyes llike a pillow in the night, black and puffy. He had eyes like hot grease, brown and shimmering in the light. She had breasts like two basketballs, deflated in the winter. He had eyes like desert clay, cracked in the sun. he had patriotic eyes, deep blue set off by fireworks of red veins in a sky of white. But he was a man of no country, and even less political loyalty. He was a man who stood for nothing, even when he sat down. He was a lawyer. He had eyes like a watermelon, deep green with seeds for pupils. But he was no fruit. -Jarod Kintz
He had eyes like an asshole, red and wrinkled. He had eyes like a tombstone, cold and gray. He had a face like a burnt forest, and eyes as brown as a bear. She had a face as flat and broad as a windshield, and when she cried I wanted to turn on the wipers, but I just handed her a tissue. She had eyes like yesterday, forgettable. She had lips like desert clay cracked in the sun. And as the snot streamed out from her nose it almost created a mudslide, but she deftly licked it off. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes, when I'm afraid, I realize it's ust my imagination. So I like to make the fear real by giving it a face and drawing it, so I can see it and defeat it by stabbing it. But I need to buy some paper and stop drawing on my girlfriends. Sooner or later they are going to find the bodies. And this makes me afraid... -Jarod Kintz
Money is the only God that multiplies and becomes more powerful the more you tithe. Of course, money can't save your sins,it can only save yourself. Money is a selfish God. -Jarod Kintz
I don't fear death any more than I fear a plate of spaggetti. And right now I feel both in the depths of my stomach. Wait, that's not death, that's just gas. -Jarod Kintz
Someone once asked Orafoura if he'd rather have a fast death, a slow death, or a bowl of pasta. He responded, "Are they all free?" To which he was told no, they are not all free. He then replied, "Give me the slow death, it is the best value for my money." Then the questioner tried to correct his ambiguity saying that the deaths were free, but the pasta wasn't. Orafoura then responded, "That makes the slow death an even greater value still." -Jarod Kintz
Marriage is a business. The women are the owners and the men are the customers. The owners always profit, and the customer always thinks they are right. -Jarod Kintz
Who knows what the future holds? The wise man in the bar says it holds a beer. I think the future might also hold liver failer for him too. -Jarod Kintz
No man knows what the future holds except for me. My future holds my penis while I piss on my past as I hold a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, because I can't live in my past after I've pissed all over it. -Jarod Kintz
Marriage is like a house, and sex is the glue and love is the nails. Both serve to hold a marriage together, but it is trust which acts like a window to illuminate, and keep things fresh and open which really keeps the marriage going through all seasons. -Jarod Kintz
My father was such a bastard that when he died we didn't buy him a headstone, we put in a toilet instead. Also, at the service, I chugged a bottle of x-lax. -Jarod Kintz
I'm trying to eat healthy, only eating things that come from the earth. But I still love my meat, so I found this cemetary near my house... -Jarod Kintz
I've only one really hard decision to make in my life, and it happened to involve pregnancy. Fortunately, me and the girl involved made the right decision and I came out healthy. -Jarod Kintz
Is buying on credit like suicide or homicide? Both. With homicide you are not saving a life, you are expending, and with suicide you are taking something more valuable than you can afford to take. -Jarod Kintz
Divide up everyone you know into either friends or enemies, and then further divide up your enemies into eight easy parts to either burn or bury. -Jarod Kintz
Before a man commits suicide he needs to ask himself three very important questions. 1) Do I know how much bullets cost? 2) Is there any place/person this bulet would be better spent? And finally, 3)Did I delete all the porn off my hard drive? -Jarod Kintz
The penis is a relatively little thing (especially in my case) that causes really big trouble. But it's this big trouble that keeps the world going through the generations. The world would be a painfully empty place if the penis were a really big thing that caused little trouble. -Jarod Kintz
Man has done some crazy things in the name of religion. Ryan Withelsby once stacked seventeen bar stools on top of each other before clubbing the bartender to death with a rubber chicken after a heated debate about religion and the width of Julia Roberts' mouth. -Jarod Kintz
Friends can be real motivators for you, especially when you hang out with people who collect midieval torture devices, military arsenal, and Judy Garland memorabilia. -Jarod Kintz
Baby, if I had you alone I'd sing to you in sign language as I'd gently strum my acoustic air guitar. I'd pick a dozen white roses with my bloody toes, and since you are allergic to peanuts, I'd smear your face in a subtle mixture of peanut butter and semen. I'd walk to the ends of the Earth for you, provided I could do it from my couch. I'd build a castle for you out of love, sand and human body parts. -Jarod Kintz
I'd like to build the world's tallest building on top of the world's smallest man. He's be mixed up in the concrete foundation, of course. -Jarod Kintz
She stole the words out of my mouth, and I stole them from my boss' daughter along with her computer and her virginity. Daddy don't be md at me. -Jarod Kintz
I like to think of my penis as an employee of mine. If he does all the thinking, I have to pay him, and he usually likes to be paid in singles, for the strip clubs. But the day he stops working is the day I stop paying for him, and can spend all those dollars somewhere more productive, like bottles of Viagra. -Jarod Kintz
I like to think of my penis as en employee of mine that I don't pay, tries to do all my thinking, and steals resources from the company (blood), so there is none left for research and development. Oh, and he drools when he talks to women, which is almost as disturbing as the fact that he is always flexing for them. -Jarod Kitz
I thought I saw Mr. Boo in Minnesota. It was either there or Memphis, I get confused. Either way, weren't you hiding in a cave despensing financial wisdom to the masses through a secret code written in sanskrit that you graffitied on public urinals? I deciphered the code, but missed the bulk of your lecture. I did manage to make some money that day. I found a quarter on the ground, flipped it and got heads. So i flipped it again for a total of two flips and fifty cents. So you taught me how to make 100 percent in just under ten seconds. Thanks, Mr. Boo!!! -Jarod Kintz
I don't like being single. When I think single, I think cheese. Those little slices. Then I think grilled cheese sandwiches. Then I think, Man, I'm fried. Then I think chicken and I remember I have the munchies. Hey, that'd make a great TV show. Hey, Hey, We're The Munchies...Mun-Cheese. Damn, I'm still single. -Jarod Kintz
Why can't they make porn in a pill , for men? It'd be like an anti-Viagra to keep guys limp and focused on life. Like the feeling you get right after you jack off. -Jarod Kintz
What is love? Is love something you can see, touch and tastelike a pair of round boobies dispensing milk to the thirsty? Yes, love is a pair of perfect boobies. -Jarod Kintz
in life, you have to go after love. love is a breast that hasn't touched my life, I've touched it, only to be punched by the fists of fate known as her boyfriend. -Jarod Kintz
We had a romantic night, a candle lit dinner in a cave when I told her I was caaveman.She couldn't accept this reality, or the fact that i didn't have indoor plumbing or central heating, and she left me for some hairless yuppy with a sportscar and two ulcers. -Jarod Kintz
People always ask me how I make a joke? I always respond, how does one make love? It all starts with a penis. The best sex, the best jokes all have a penis in them. But you just can't stuff it in there, you have to ease it in there. Get the listener all lubed up, so when the punchline hits it's like a suprise cumshot to the face, and all they can do is smile for the camera. -Jarod Kintz
Our Grandpa never farted in our presence, unless that was what we asked for for Christmas, and we always did. He blew the most marvelous ass you'd ever want to sniff. -Jarod Kintz
When Snoop Dogg is like 84 and senile, people will probably say, "Damn, I've got to go walk my dogg, yesterday he shit all over the carpet." -Jarod Kintz
I keep losing friends to my disorginization. And in all of the confusion I keep mixing them up with concrete and forgetting who's at the bottom of which lake. -Jarod Kintz
If I lived in the jungles of South America, and wore only a loin cloth, you probably wouldn't be able to get ahold of me because I'd have no pockets to hold my phone in. But if you somehow did manage to track me down, watch out you don't startle me, because I might shoot you with my poisenous blow gun. -Jarod Kintz
If I could be in two places at once, I would throw both a party and an anti-party, where we would talk trash about the people at the party. Then I'd invite my other self over to the anti-party, with everyone from the party, and we'd slaughter everyone there for talking bad about us. Then we'd consume double the booze, as we'd try not to get blood on our slippers (yes, everyone at the party is wearing bright, fuzzy slippers). -Jarod Kintz
I love sitting around campfires and talking about my youth, and all the camps I went to, and fires I started, and how all the little children looked as they ran, screaming, as their flesh was on fire. I can almost smell it now. Boy, I sure could go for some burnt hot dogs at this very moment. -Jarod Kintz
If mouths were fists, a lot of comedians would try to make you laugh by hitting you in the face. And it might be funny, if you didn't see it coming first. -Jarod Kintz
I thought I saw the Mythical Mr. Boo out near Topeka (kansas, I think) two summers ago, and he was in some deep thought in the middle of the road. I nearly ran him over, so I backed up to try again, but he was gone. And where he was sitting in the instant before there was now a piece of paper. When I got out of my truck to look at it I saw that it was a personalized check made out to me for enough money to last me until next Tuesday. I don't know where he is at this moment, but I know that this month's rent is already on its way courteousy of The Mythical Mr. Boo. So I tried to kill him, and he keeps me living. Gee Thanks, Mr. Boo! -Jarod Kintz
I just got to know and love Amy's (my ex girlfriend) dog, and she'd come jump in the bed while we were snuggling and she'd drool all over me. I hated being drooled all over. I think it may have been the driving factor for me breaking up with Amy. -Jarod Kintz
A lot of people like to count sheep to help them fall asleep. I don't, I count shephards. It makes me have to fall asleep faster because with shephards I can't count higher than two, unless I count former shephards. But even then it's still only three. -Jarod Kintz
I hate taking vitamins. They taste so nasty I almost throw up every night. I want to switch to Flintstone vitamins. They're so good you can just chew them up. But then a thought occured to me. I wouldn't be suprised to see a kid come on TV in a decaxde or so and say something like, "I used to take Flintstone vitamins every day. I haven't gotten a cold in over a decase, but now I have diabetes." -Jarod Kintz
If I were to start a revolution, I wouldn't use men for soldiers, I'd use pandas. Because who wants to shoot a panda? And while the government officials were oogling over the pandas, the pandas would gun them all down. -Jarod Kintz
It's a shame that poor peole have no money to eat, but then again, a dollar really doesn't fill you up that much anyway. Although I've never eaten a roll of nickels. That might work, if you have no teeth and can just swallow them like poor people can. -Jarod Kintz
There are so many homeless people in the world, and almost nowhere to put them, that most people put them down. I won't ever put one down, but I certainly won't put one up for the night either. they might give my cats flees, and I could no longer orally groom my cats then. -Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend is a really great money manager. She treats every dollar like an employee that she outsources all over the city, and she always has their best interest in mind, even if it's 18%. -Jarod Kintz
The spectrum that seperates the rich from the poor is about as wide as a doublewide trailer, plus as much empty highway as humanly possible between it and the country club. -Jarod Kintz
Growing up I was so poor I had to share gloves and shoes with my older brother. And he only had one leg, so I only got to wear the left shoe. But that's ok, I got to wear both gloves. -Jarod Kintz
Isaac Newton is my hero. During his time, people opened doors for him. But he opened the door for all time so that the world might step out into enlightenment. -Jarod Kintz
I want to stand at the edge of the universe, wearing next to nothing, standing next to nothing, and thinking about nothing. This would be both heaven and hell to me. Or it could be just nothing. -Jarod Kintz
I wish I could sell anger by the ounce. Then when people would try to buy some of my anger I would remain silent and ignore them before flatly refusing to sell to assholes. If, and when they blew up at me, I'd say, "that'll be 14.95 please. try not to use it all at once next time." -Jarod Kintz
A janitor once told me, "love is a mop. Sometimes it's dirty, but it's only after it's gone that you fully realize how clean everything was because of it." I sat stunned for a second before spitting on his freshly mopped floor and said, "clean that, Cupid." He did, and I think he appreciated my concise love analogy. -Jarod Kintz
I don't tell many people this, but I used to wet the bed up until the time I was seventeen. And sometimes my mom would get so angry that she'd make me sleep on the couch. -Jarod Kintz
I don't tell many people this, but I used to wet the bed up until the time I was seventeen. And sometimes my mom would get so angry at being awoken that she'd roll over and tell me sleep on the couch. -Jarod Kintz
A year without love is like a week without water, unless you're a camel, then it's like a week without a dirty Arab kicking you in the sides as he saddles himself on your back. So I guess going without love can also be kind of a good thing. You might be able to further yourself without all the excess baggage and strain of a person always riding you. -Jarod Kintz
A year without love is like a week without water, unless you're a camel, then it's like a week without a dirty Arab kicking you in the sides as he saddles himself on your back. So I guess going without love can also be kind of a good thing. You might be able to further yourself without all the excess baggage and strain of a person always riding you. But what do I know, I'm not an Arab, nor a camel, I'm just a thirsty fool. -Jarod Kintz
A man ought to own two cars--one that his wife knows he has, and another for his mistress. Unless he has two mistresses, then he should have three mattresses, two cars and a van where he keeps both a mattress and a mistress. Oh, and some peanut M&Ms that his wife won't let him eat, and his other mistress is allergic to. -Jarod Kintz
If love were alcohol, I'd never get drunk because I wouldn't want to throw up on my girlfriend while we were cuddling. But I wouldn't even be dating her because I don't date lushes. -Jarod Kintz
I always thought my grandpa was really tough because he never cried until I learned that he had no tear ducts. But that didn't suprise me as much as the fact that he didn't have any children. -Jarod Kintz
I would rather live a life as a deaf man, than one who could hear all the sorrows of the world. And by sorrows of the world, I mean a wife's voice. -Jarod Kintz
If I was a deaf king and someone said something that angered me, I'd cut off their disrespectful fingers. Then I'd make the man count off, on his fingers, ten reasons why I shouldn't kill him. Then, just before the axe was about to fall on his head, I'd shout, "Stop! Let him live, for he will never pick another fight, nor nostril, not wedgie as long as he shall live, and that is justice." -Jarod Kintz
Everytime I feel that life is stepping on my toes I stop and think, Hey, it could be worse. At least I have feet, with toes to step on. Not like my grandpappy who had no feet and used to have to walk everywear bare-ankled with snow up to his, um, ankles. -Jarod Kintz
I hate fake plants. I hate fake people. But I'd rather have the former in my living room because at least it doesn't get mad when I piss on it. -Jarod Kintz
If women had windows on their forehead, I still wouldn't be able to tell what they were thinking. Would a dirty window mean dirty thoughts, or would it just mean they needed more windex in their Diet? -Jarod kintz
If women had windows on their forehead, I'll bet that more women would be going to the emerency room because a baseball flew through their forehead. Which kind of sucks for the kid who hit the ball, because how do you pay to replace a forehead? -Jarod Kintz
If a women had a window on her forehead, and was looking through a window, would that be a metaphysical statement about life in sort of an Escherian sort of way? Or could she be just window shopping? And if so, if I'm staring at her forehead, am I just window shopping too? If she has no curtains or blinds on her forehead, would I be able to read her mind? These and other thoughts consume my windowless mind as I wonder about my own mortality and role in life. I also wonder how much she'd pay me to clean her window? -Jarod Kintz
If I had a door for a mouth, would you knock before trying to talk to me, or would you just kick it in whenever you felt like having a conversation? -Jarod Kintz
I like taking pictures of people and nailing them on my wall, and not feeding them for days as they squirm in pain. After I take them down, they never find it as amusing as I do. Some people have no sense of humor when it comes to taking their pictures. -Jarod Kintz
You can't help an alcoholic. My ex girlfriend drank like a camel, but she absolutely refused to get the arab off her back, so I had to break up with her. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes my laughter is so fake and canned I want to eat it with a spoon. But I don't because I know I'll choke if I eat while I'm laughing. -Jarod Kintz
For me, there are five seasons of love. Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, and Never. Each one lasts a lifetime, and I'm in the one that doesn't correspond to life. -Jarod Kintz
Love is the passion that sets your heart on fire as your loved one roasts marshmallows with her lover over your burning chest, after they robbed you of your chocolate and graham crackers. But maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic drowning in my optimism. Optimism and and the sweat of their nightly sexual encounters. -Jarod Kintz
Love is like petting a midget with velvet hair on his neck and back. You might not believe it until you feel it, and then you will never forget it. -Jarod Kintz
Falling in love is like being a tight rope walker and tying your shoes with the rope you strung across a canyon and then trying to walk across it. It's crazy, but most of our parents did it once. And I'm not just talking about you circus folk either. -Jarod Kintz
As a general rule, I don't date aquatic animals. But I might make an exception in the case of a certain mermaid by the name of Mathilda. And I won't ever date a dolphin, regardless of how many free rides to the Keys they give me. -Jarod Kintz
If I were an elephant who had flowers for feet, I'd be both proud that I had the best smelling feet, yet sad because everytime I'd walk I would crush my feet. -Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend's feet smell like onions. That's why I make her stir the pasta with them. Then I make her scrub her feet--using the dishes rather than a wash rag. -Jarod Kintz
I knew a musician who made music out of synthetic materials and glue, and had a voice like a thousand angels all whispering in unison. But that's because his voice was raspy from smoking. And nobody liked his music, except for his mother, who sold him the glue, after she'd already huffed it. -Jarod kintz
Women are complicated. I wish they came with instruction manuals. But I wouldn't date foreign chicks because I can't speak foreign languages. That, plus if there is a defect, other countries might not have the better business bureau to complain to. -Jarod Kintz
The problem with dating two women at once is time management. For example, how do you schedule who mows the lawn and who gets to make the dinner? And what about the dishes? -Jarod Kintz
If money grew on trees, then monkeys would be rich. And then I'd really hate rich people, because not only would they have all the money, but they'd also hurl piles of shit at you. Throughout the history of the world, poor people have always gotten pooped on, but never with such velocity. -Jarod Kintz
I wish I could found and become mayor of my own town. I'd call it Moderation. And as the mayor of Moderation, I'd tell people that everythings better in Moderation, the food, the sex, even government committees. Of course I'd know that the greatest thing, for me anyways, would be the taxes. Yes, even in Moderation, taxes are good. -Jarod Kintz
Belinda, Yes I used to be into unicycling. But I don't watch much porn anymore. Now I only "ride" if there is another wheel. And I keep it safe, I always wear my helmet. Would you like to go on a bumpy ride with me? -Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend had eyes like an x ray machine: large and gray. And she could see right through me, especially if I had a hole in my torso, which I didn't. -Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend had eyes like an x ray machine: large and gray. And she could see right through me, especially if I had a hole in my torso, which I didn't. -Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend had eyes like an x ray machine: large and gray. And she could see right through me, especially if I had a hole in my torso, which I didn't. -Jarod Kintz
for me, the future represents nothingness, a huge unknown. And since it represents nothing, the future is what I spend most of my time thinking about. -Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend broke up with me because sha said she only dates men who are built. It hurt a little bit, but then i thought, So what if I was a little bit disassembled? -Jarod Kintz
I wish not that there were more hours in a day, but more days in an hour (currently there are none). Because if days made up hours, and hours made up days, which in turn made up hours, then time would be eternal. But then spending thirty seconds at a red light would be a tragic waste of a lifetime. And under these circumstances, I can see it justified in killing someone who sits on the line five seconds after the light has turned green. -Jarod Kintz
Since red means go and green means stop, everytime I see an Italian flag waving in the wind I get all confused. I'm not going, I'm not stopping, I'm in an uncertain state, much like plasma. -Jarod Kintz
I need to get another Mr. Potato head. My last one got burned after being run over twice and peed on by my aunt after I accidentally left it in the toilet while playing with it. -Jarod Kintz
I like to tell people, "I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking, 'He doesn't know what I'm thinking.'" Then I ask if I'm right. Then before they answer, I say, "You were wrong, I do know what you were thinking. And just so you don't have to ask, no I do not have a sister that's exactly like me that I could set you up with. -Jarod Kintz
Americans can be metaphored into three people, all musicians...two of them are West Virginia banjo players who are having a banjo-off while Uncle Sam watches and throws money into their banjo cases, while the third musician, a musical prodigy, can't play because Uncle Sam is stepping on his fingers as he spectates the two banjo players. The government is always throwing money in the wrong direction, and crunching the fingers of the fabulous. And by fabulous, I mean everyone who doesn't qualify for government grants and welfare. -Jarod Kintz
I waste a lot of time. That seems to be my greatest talent. If I was half as good at comedy as I am at wasting time, you would literally die from laughtrer at my stuff. Everybody in the world would be dead. But I wouldn't find this funny. I'd find it so sad that I'd die of remorse. -Jarod Kintz
When someone asks me what I'm doing the night before a big test i always answer that I am doing what I do best...procrastinating. I know I have to read, but the decision to do it is a big one. So big a decision, in fact, that I think it would be wise to sleep on it. -Jarod Kintz
I don't like to slaughter innocent people any more than the next man, unless the next man is Joseph Stalin, then maybe only slightly more. -Jarod Kintz
My father believed in tough love. And when I watched him drown my four brothers, and saw how he seemingly remained aloof as they thrashed about, I knew then what unconditional love was. -Jarod Kintz
If my hands were a little smaller then they are now, and my balls stretched from Seattle to Tampa, I'd probably hire people in the Mid west to help scratch them. Then I'd tell my mother-in-law what I really think about her, and watch as my father-in-law says, "Boy, you've got balls, that's for sure." -Jarod Kintz
In what kind of country do we live in where a criminal can hire a fancy lawyer and get away with murder, rape, and abduction of bovine. I mean, does nobody in this country care about cows anymore? -Jarod Kintz
My neighbor owned a sugar plantation. I asked to borrow a cup of sugar one day and he gave me a one square foot piece of his property. After that I must have asked to borrow about 3,000 cups of sugar, just enough to bake a medium sized cabin. -Jarod Kintz
Being so introverted, my favorite person was always my dad. He was such an outgoing person, and could always bring out the best in me, even if he was never there. -Jarod Kintz
There was once a cowboy with six arms, who carried six six-shooters. And one day he met a clown with 36 illegetimate children. And the clown asked the cowboy if he could do him a favor. The cowboy asked what he had in mind. The clown responded, "Can you juggle your pistols at my kids' birthday party and 'accidentally' shoot every single one of my children?" The cowboy laughed for a moment and said, "I normally don't do favors for clownfolk, but in your case I'll make an exception. But only on one condition. First you have to teach me how to juggle, and then you have to beat me in a game of paper,rock,scissors." When the clown realized his offer had been declined, he turned slowly around and shuffled away. That's when the cowboy shot him in the back as he said, "My bastard father was a clown. And I hated my father and all his makeup wearing friends. Not once did he every show up at any of my birthday parties. Not once did he every invite me to join the circus with him. My father was ashamed of me, not because I had six arms, but because I am allergic to make up. And you know how to juggle pies, but you don't know how to juggle your 36 kids. So for that, you had to die." -Jarod Kintz
If I had a love for music, and made a flute out of sour dough bread, then one day stopped playing music and my flute all together, could it be said I ended my musical relationship on a sour note? -Jarod Kintz
If you have no legs, and your only principles in life are to never lay down for anyone and to never take anything sitting down, do you stand on your principles? -Jarod Kintz
Larry got genital warts from having sex with frogs. Or were they toads? Doesn't matter, you shouldn't stick things you find in ponds in your pants. Unless, of course, you find a beautiful girl laying in a pond or a puddle. Or if she's laying in a pool. But not if she's laying in a pool of blood, then you should call an ambulance which would require you to take your hands out of your pants. -Jarod Kintz
1. How many people have you fucked? none, but I'm hoping to get lucky real soon here. Mother says it should be any day now. 2. Weed, coke, crack, heroin, oxy, coke, acid, x, k, peyote, mushrooms, opium, hash....out of these 12 drugs how many have you done? In the Immortal words of Bob saggat, "Have you ever sucked dick for coke." Yeah, that's me. Except they didn't give me the coke. 3. Ever cheated on a GF/BF? I would have but i couldn't get my penis up. 4. Ever paid for sex?I tried but my visa was maxed out 6. Ever been divorced?I'm still working on getting laid 7. If you had to pick one what's your fav sexual position? Beggars can't be choosers. I'll take what I can get. 8. Do you own any guns? No, but I know someone who does 9. Ever done more than 30 days in jail?They could never prove i did it. 10. Ever been to rehab?Those fuckers couldn't hold me down 11. Ever do anything gay sexually?I was gangbanged forcefully in high school by the entire chess team 12. Ever fuck anyone that you met on myspace?there was this dwarf named denise. Or should I say dennis. 13. What size are your breasts/dick?My cock is about two by four. Two long and four wide. I would have to fuck sideways. 14. Do you think Arnold could beat up Chuck Norris?this puts me in a quandary here. I am deeply conflicted on this question. 15. What celebrity would you want to fuck if you had the chance? Maralyn Monroe, after they get the dirt off her pussy that is. 16. Ever been unemployed for over a year since becoming an adult? no, but it is on my list of things to do. 17. How many states have you lived in? i live everyday in a state of insanity 18. How many countries have you lived in? just one. But I'd like to be an illegal immigrant in several countries. I just don't like the yard work that accompanies that label. 19. Do you keep a weapon under or next to your bed at night?just my dildo 20. What celebrity would you want to beat up if you had the chance?Emmanual Lewis. I think it would be a pretty even matched fight. He's got some spunk, and I'd like to give him mine too--all over his face. 21. Ever rolled into the harsh ghetto to buy drugs? Bitch, I am the ghetto 22. Ever had anal sex? I already told yo about those damn chess bastards 23. Ever been paid for sex? I tried. I even passed out flyers and coupons. But alas, it was not the trade for me. 24. Ever hired a PI to follow someone? Yeah, but he was a real dick 25. Ever bang your friends man/woman? yeah and what a man/woman it was 26. What is your IQ?My IQ is like a beautiful spring day. Mid 80s 27. Do you think Mr. Rogers really was a pervert or do you think he just loved kids? he was a marine sharpshooting perv. My kind of man 28. O.J. Simpson......did he do it? Yes or No hell yes that mutherfucker did it 29. Fake tits or real tits??? Oh thanks for noticing. they're real 30. Ever watch someone die? What are you insinuating? You can't prove shit. 31. How long has it been since you had sex? with someone else? 32. Name your favorite beer. beer tastes like piss. My uncles piss. 33. Any piercings? I want to get one on my clit, but first I have to get a clit. -Jarod Kintz
I don't understand having sex in an airplane. The bathroomes are so small. I could see it if maybe the bathroom was twice as large, or if the girl was half the size. But I've never seen a dwarf on any flight I've ever been on. -Jarod Kintz
If I could travel back in time, and talk to any inanimate object, I'd want to speak to the sandals of Christ. I wonder what they'd say? They'd probably ask me if I've ever walked in another man's shoes, or followed in the footsteps of perfection. They'd probably say they weren't fit for the feet of Jesus, yet he walked with them anyways. I'd then ask how I knew they were really the sandals of the Christ? Then I'd pick them up and throw them into a body of water, and if they floated then they were indeed the sandals of the son of God, but if they sunk, they were just another pair of fanatical flip flops. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes bears catch salmon. Sometimes great men catch bears. Sometimes scandalous women catch great men. But hardly anybody catches a scandalous woman, unless of course you install a hidden camera. -Jarod Kintz
I knew a family who were made out of Legos. Their house on the beach was made out of Legos too, at least until a hurricane came and knocked it down. I'm currently enjoying helping them put their life back together. -Jarod Kintz
-I wanted to be a romantic and take my girlfriend, Natasha, for a hot air balloon ride… - Well, why didn't you? Are you afraid of heights? - No, I am afraid of balloons. - Hey, that's no way to talk about your girlfriend!!!
- I wanted to be a romantic and take my girlfriend, Natasha, for a hot air balloon ride… - You should talk to my uncle before doing that. - Why, does he know someone who got injured while doing it? - No, but he took Natasha out last week and she loved it!
- I wanted to be a romantic and take my girlfriend, Natasha, for a hot air balloon ride… - And what will Jennifer think about you taking Natasha up like that? - Who's Jennifer? - You old dog you. Hey, I don't know if you don't know.
- I wanted to be a romantic and take my girlfriend, Natasha, for a hot air balloon ride… - I thought you were going to throw her out of your life. - I am. But what better way to do that then from 20,000 feet in the sky? - Well, I guess she fell hard for you once, might as well end things that way.
- I don't know what to do, I just backed my car over my grandpa… - Good Lord, man. Is your car still under warranty? - I don't really know. I just stole it from the nursing home. - Oh yeah, how'd your date go?
- I don't know what to do, I just backed my car over my grandpa… - Oh, is that what that horrible scream was? - No, that was my grandma. She moved a little quicker, but I finally clipped her too. - Sometimes old birds need to be clipped too.
- I don't know what to do, I just backed my car over my grandpa… - I thought you said you had some bad news to tell me? - I do. Grandma saw me run over him. - Well, fortunately for us she's mute, and after we chop off her fingers she won't be doing much talking, now will she?
- I don't know what to do, I just backed my car over my grandpa… - But I thought he's in a wheelchair? - yeah, the good news is he was already paralyzed. - Well next time you need to be more careful. Next time try to hit someone who actually has a chance of jumping out of the way.
- I've never told anybody this, but some days I wish I were a sponge. - Not me, I'm afraid of the ocean. - No, a sponge that you could use to bathe with. - Yeah, you've always been kind of a dirty guy.
- I've never told anybody this, but some days I wish I were a sponge. - And if money were bubbles, you'd still be broke. - Yeah, but at least I'd be doing what I love. - And you'd end up a crusty, dry old sponge, or man or whatever it is you wanted to be.
- I've never told anybody this, but some days I wish I were a sponge. - Yeah, you could be a superhero. You could be Sponge man. - Yes, and I could rid the world of filth-- - And instill fear into the cold, ceramic hearts of dirty dishes everywhere.
- I've never told anybody this, but some days I wish I were a sponge. - So would you be a bathtub half-full, or half-empty kind of guy? - If it were a hot girl in there, I'd consider it to be half full. - Why, would this chick have no legs?
- You know, I don't think I'd ever vote for a kangaroo for public office. - Well they couldn't be President, you can't be born in Australia, you have to be born here. - What if they were born in a zoo here in the states? - Then he's a criminal, knowing nothing but life behind bars.
- You know, I don't think I'd ever vote for a kangaroo for public office. - He'd probably be corrupt. Everyone would have their hands in his deep pockets. - Pouches. Kangaroos have pouches, not pockets. - Whatever. You say tomato, I say one corrupt kangaroo.
- You know, I don't think I'd ever vote for a kangaroo for public office. - I'll bet he'd hop on both sides of every issue. - That, plus Australia was once an island full of criminals. - Although most criminals are not as cute and furry, which makes me trust kangaroos even less.
- You know, I don't think I'd ever vote for a kangaroo for public office. - Especially if he had a koala bear as a running mate. - It wouldn't be a running mate, but more of a hopping mate. - I could never vote for anyone who stuffs their children in their pockets.
-If I were deaf, I'd pray to god that I could find a girl who has her mouth on her breasts, so I could enjoy reading her lips.
-Not a lot of men today read. Publishers might get more men to read if they printed the texts of novels on women's breasts. And even more so if they were written in braille.
-I like to think of money like it's toilet paper. I don't ever want to run out of it, because it's at that uncomfortable moment I know I'll need it the most.
-If trees had breasts, I'd climb them all the time.
-Help eradicate poverty. Find out how you can slaughter a homeless person in your community.
-If our fingers posessed the sense of smell as well as touch, would anybody but the uber-vain wipe their ass?
-I'm sure glad God put our noses on our faces and not our asses because it'd be really painful to sit on your nose. And if you got a nose bleed you'd think it was a hemmharoid. But on the positive side, it would be much easier to sneeze and fart at the same time, which would be really satisfying.
-If I knew the month and day, but not the year, I was going to die, I'd probably get married on that date. Because then I'd never forget an annaversary, as that date would always be on my mind.
-If everyone in the world died, and it was up to me alone to repopulate it, there's no way I could do it single handedly. I highly doubt if it would even help if I used both hands.
-Do mother nature and father time have any children? And if you ever baby sat for them, would you get paid in good health and time extensions on your life?
-Most people don't know mother nature has a sister. But she's a whore that nobody invites to the family reunions. I think she lives in New Jersey. -Jarod Kintz
I've often wondered what bacon would taste like if I were a pig. It'd probably taste like the time I ate my grandpa, except he squeeled a bit too much. -Jarod Kintz
I used to want to be a lumberjack, but then I realized I was afraid of trees. Not actual trees, but trees in conceptual abstraction. I don't think I'd be afraid of trees if they grew horizontal. But since they grow vertical, and I am afraid of heights, I can't reasonably accept them as friends, unless all I wanted to do was cut them down. Maybe I do want to be a lubmerjack after all. -Jarod Kintz
I want to create the world's best vodka and call it "Your Kind." But I won't sell it to bars. Then I'll sit in a bar and watch bartenders tell people "we don't serve Your Kind here," and then all the people will get offended and leave. -Jarod Kintz
yesterday I worked out so hard my legs felt like Jell-O, except they didn't spoil my dinner after I ate them.
I like eating desert for dinner. That way if I decide to have a piece of cake before dinner I won't even worry about spoiling my dinner.
Women have the ultimate power because they can give life. Men can never have that kind of power (as of yet)so they start wars. If they can't have the power of giving life, then they try to wield power by taking lives.
I told a thousand different jokes to a thousand diferent people. and they all laughed, except for one, but he just found out he was dying from cancer.
I can't stand people who complain about people who complain.
My lve for her wouldn't fir in a bowl the size of Texas, but it did fit perfectly in a Haiku.
I loved my ex girlfriend like I loved cheating on her, though I never did.
I saw my ex girlfriend this morning. she smelled like flowers, even though I only hid her body in the garden a week ago. -Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend had a smile that could light up the room, and now that she's gone I just want her back. I hate how high my electricity bill is now. -Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend has eyes that change depending on the color of clothing she's wearing at that moment. They turn from gray blue to green to brown to yellow, but that's only when she wears her rainbow shirt. -Jarod Kintz
Yes, we'll start a corporation. Bad ass Basket Weavers, and we don't descriminate against anybody except for beavers, because their dams look like a retard ate a pile of baskets and then threw them up to please his anorexic mother. Or was she bulemic? doesn't matter, she's a slut anyways. And Jimmy can weave some crazy baskets with his eyelids superglued to a car that's submerged in the gulf, and only using his toes and teeth. And we should also start selling kneecaps to little children who have no legs. We'll get an ice cream truck and drive through neighborhoods. And watch all the little legless kids come running to buy soe knee caps. Wait, the'll come rolling up to our truck on their wheelchairs. But we don't descriminate, we sell to the cripple kids too. Because if we don't, we don't have any customers. Yeah, I'm a business major, if you couldn't tell. around my hood they call me warren Buffet. But I don't really look like him all that much. although we do look similar in speedos, and I often walk around to people's houses wearing my little skimpy speedo and trying to seduce all the elderly women in the neighborhood. I have a ten percent return on my time, and that's good investing. But she was passed out, but who's really to say if that doesn't count? Certainly not Jimmy who forcefed her the Rufies. -Jarod Kintz
I feel the scent of mothballs are underrated in today's society. When I become the world's greatest grandmother, I will unleash a powerful new fragrence. I'll call it "Grandmother's House" Old men will love it, and little children will fear it. -Jarod Kintz
Some men are born lucky, like they came out of the womb with a rabbit's foot tied around their wrist or something, which seems crazy to me because where's the rest of the rabbit? And how'd it get up in the mother's vagina in the first place? -Jarod Kintz
Growing up, I used to talk dirty to bars of soap in my bathroom. And every time my mom would catch me, she'd wash out my mouth with lubrication. -Jarod Kintz
1. If you were an elephant (elephants have great memories) who just got amnesia, and you found a black thong in your bed along with a bottle of vodka and a tricycle, what is running through your mind as far as what happened last night?
2. Your aunt comes over from Wichita and catches you having sex with your neighbor's significant other. What excuse do you give her, when she screams at you, for not capturing your sexual experience on film? -Jarod Kintz
Not my snoopy thong! I got a stripping gig tonight, and I promised the birthday boy's mother that I would wear that. She wants me to jump out of the cake, but they're having the party on the roof of a building, so I hope they have a net installed.
I've been meaning to ask you if I left my binary anal defribulator under your sofa? If I did, you can't let your dog nibble on it, unless you disinfect it before returning it to me.
Oh, and the revolution has been cancelled. We are going to reschedule it for either Tuesday of next week or Friday of next week, based on when Jeremy can get off restricions 9he got in trouble for sassing his mother). But when we do meet, we are planning on overthrowing the people's assosiation for random rights, so bring your pinecones and an assortment of small rocks and sharp objects -Jarod Kintz
I have the hardest time remembering people's names. I think it's because I always remember the first time I meet someone like it was tomorrow. -Jarod Kintz
The general popluation of primitive countries are out of control. Third world countries are experiencing an explosion of youth. I think it's really sad to see a baby burst. -Jarod Kintz
Hearing my ex girlfriend on the phone, she sounds so shaky and fresh you'd think she has a virgin voice. Well, at least until you hear her moan. -Jarod Kintz
I once killed a cowboy for shoving his face into my wife's pie.-The ghost town clown
My ex girlfriend's love for me was like a bucket full of metaphorical jizz from all her lovers that she made me chug every morning. Just kidding, she was a great girl, and she'd never do that. Nope, she'd make me slowly sip it. -Jarod Kintz
-Only a fool steps on the toes of a clown -Never dance with a clown. They hate it when you step on their feet. -My girlfriend doesn't have foot fetishes, she has clown shoe fetishes. -Just cause my nose is red, doesn't mean I'm a boozer. I'm a boozer cause my best friend is Johnny Walker. -It's not really funny unless a clown says it's funny. And yes, your grandmother getting run over yesterday by a pack of angry, screaming midgets was definitely funny.-The Ghost Town Clown
-I am the Donald Trump of my ghost town, in that I am the richest man in the city. Except there are no skyscrapers, and I'm the only man who lives there, but that's besides the point.
-Some people use coke for pleasure. I pleasure some people for coke.
-The only time it's not appropriate to laugh at a clown, is when you break in on him in the shower and first see the size of his "no-no place"-the Ghost Town Clown -Jarod Kintz
-Clowns don't fall in love; Love is for the little girls. I can't help it if they fall for me. -Clowns don't get angry and blow up. Bombs do that. The bombs I rig to explode when you start your car. -Bigfoot's not a mythical creature. What, you never seen a man with large shoes camp before?
"The idea of a clown farm is absurd. If people started growing clowns, and genetically enhancing then to be taller, have larger feet, and be funnier, they'd dominate society. And I don't think the American public is ready to have a clown as President. Wait, too late. There already has been one of the bggest clowns ever as president. You all know who I'm talking about. Abe Lincoln. That clown was like 6'4"."--the ghost town clown -Jarod Kintz
"Growing up I didn't play cowboys and Indians, I played cowboys and clowns. Of course the cowboys always one. They'd shoot me, and I threw pies."--The Ghost Town Clown -Jarod Kintz
"Clowns aren't socially accepted in today's society. How come the only parties I ever get invited to are for five-year-olds?"--The Ghost Town Clown
"Everybody looks to the clown to make them laugh, but who are clowns supposed to look to to make us laugh? Well I'll tell you who makes me laugh--your girlfriend, as she's tickling my balls."--The Ghost Town Clown
"I aint ever seen a clown run for office. Yet we pay taxes. Are we good enough to have our money taken, yet not good enough to ever be mayor?"--The Ghost Town Clown -Jarod Kintz
"Did you know that I am curently learning how to ride the unicycle, and juggle three pistils and both of my girlfriends at the same time? But I'm afraid I'll drop one. Those pistols are valuable to me."--The Ghost Town Clown -Jarod Kintz
Dear Mr. Jimmy Dean, Mmmm, I love sausages! In fact, I love sausages almost as much as I love sodomy. Mmmmm, sausages and sodomy--what a tasty combination. Hey, that's a good idea. How about I'll let you take the slogan, "sausages and sodomy: the only reason to get up (no pun intended) in the morning," to use in a new ad campaign that targets adolescent males (you've got to get them hooked early), if you give me a lifetime supply of Jimmy's thick sausages. And I'll secure the sodomy part myself. Let me know what you think. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Dear Cancer Society of America, So many people make jokes about cancer, and I don't think they are funny. They all seem to lack punchlines. My Grandpa died of cancer, and the sad thing is the cancer still lives on. My Grandma turns 80 tomorrow. Well, good luck with the cure! Best, Jarod Kintz
It has just come to my attention that you make shoes. It might have come to my attention earlier if I wore shoes. But I only wear gloves, because I was born with feet for hands. So when I meet new people I don't shake their hand, I just sort of tickle their feet. But I am interested in getting into marathons, and I was wondering if you could design a special glove for me that had air on the bottom, because my handfeet get so blistered and sore. Also, since you guys are the kings of sports, if I am playing soccer, can I pick the ball up with my handfeet and throw it without getting penalized? It would be like Pele meets Jordan meets Mark Train(people tell me I look just like him). I'd love it if we could meet. So many people to meet, and so many feet to greet (That's a little joke my mom tells me when I get depressed about my disability). I guess you could say I have the ultimate foot fettish. People are always obsessed with things that they don't have, right? Oh boy, if I had a wife for every hand I have, I'd be a Mormon. Anyways, it was good writing to you, and I look forward to hearing back from you. Best, Jarod Kintz
Dear Trojan, I am writing to you today under great duress, because tomorrow is my twenty fourth birthday. This is good news, because while I haven't yet been with a woman, Mother keeps reassuring me, and telling me that the day is near. So I went to the store to buy some prophylactics, and I saw both regular and Magnum. But I was wondering if you carried extra small (I'd probably like my condoms like my jeans: baggy)? I need a response really quick, because I really don't want to resort to using saran wrap (mother needs it for the casserole). I look forward to your reply. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Dear Amercrombie, I think that it would be a a sharp marketing move to change your mascot from a moose to a fish. Fish sell. I know because I work in a seafood market. Not only that, but a moose has negative connotations associated with it. When I think of a moose, I think of child pornography. Maybe that's just because my neighbor loved moose, as well as little boys (he didn't like me because I am morbidly obese). So I hope you take the time to consider my suggestion, and consider the merits of fish. Thanks, Jarod Kintz
The circus has always been like a secomd home to me, even though I have no first home. That's right, I'm homeless. And living in the streets has allowed for some unique ways to pass the time. Out of extreme hunger I have learned how to swallow my arm up to my elbow, bunch up my fist, and fool my stomach into thinking it's full. I usually sleep like this, but sometimes my arm goes numb and I have to pull it out. That's where you come in. Recently I told my friend that I wanted to join the circus, and s/he (I think the technical term is hermaphrodite) laughed at me. But I am willing to swallow my pride, as well as my arm, on a nightly basis in return for a warm meal and a chance to see the world. I currently have no address to reply to, so I'm going to assume yo accept my offer and I'll just show up at your tent. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
So I just got off the phone with The Home Depot, and they are going to help me build a stand alone garage outside of my house that's in the shape of a giant car. And now I've got to build a custom car looks like a garage to park it in. So do you guys have the necessary parts to do that, or would you have to custom fabricate them? Also, do you sell giant bumpers that I can attach to my new garage? And do you know if I have to have a valid license to drive a garage? What about if I just park it? Also, do I need proof of insurance on my garage, since it will look like a car? Any helpful information you could give me would be most helpful. Thank you, Jarod KIntz
So I just got off the phone with The Home Depot, and they are going to help me build a stand alone garage outside of my house that's in the shape of a giant car. And now I've got to build a custom car looks like a garage to park in it. So do you guys have the necessary parts to do that, or would you have to custom fabricate them? Also, do you sell giant bumpers that I can attach to my new garage? And do you know if I have to have a valid license to drive a garage? What about if I just park it? Also, do I need proof of insurance on my garage, since it will look like a car? Any helpful information you could give me would be most helpful. Thank you, Jarod KIntz
Dear Makestickers.com, I am the proud owner of a bumper sticker, but I don't know how to use it. It didn't come with a bumper, and I was wondering if you could tell me where I might be able to buy a bumper? Thanks, Jarod Kintz
I have always loved camping ever since I was 8, and forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping. In fact, in the spirit of my dad, I will be enlightening my neighbor to the joys of camping (currently he's hog tied in my basement). Anyways, I just wanted to make sure that you to take as good of care of him as you did of me all those years ago. Your Fellow Camper, Jarod Kintz
Yesterday, while eating a cheesburger, I bit into something funny. When I looked down I saw that along with the cheesburger, there was the tip of someone's finger. Then I noticed that I myself was missing the tip of my finger, and I was bleading quite profusely. My appetite was momentarily spoiled, so I returned my cheesburger for a full refund. But in my carelessness, I accidentally returned the tip of my finger as well. I was wondering how to go about getting that missing piece from my life known as my fingertip, since I need it really badly (how else am I supposed to get way in the back of my nose when picking it?). I'm not pointing my finger at you, because this is entirely my fault. I would just like it back. I look forward to hearig from you. Yours Truly, Jarod Kintz
I understand that you make sexy underwear and bras. Is this true? If so, I have some ideas I'd like to share with you. Have you ever thought about making bras out of recycled cans? They wouldn't be as cumfy for sure, but they'd definitely be more environmentally friendly. And as we all know, boobies are the most environmentally friendly thing known to man. Also, have you ever thought about expanding into the hat industry? You could make hats out of panties, for all us guys who like to wear our girlfriend's panties on our heads. These are just a few of the ideas I have. we can arrange a meeting to discuss the others. I look forward to your reply. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I understand that you were created at the University of Florida. That's crazy because I'm a UF drop out. Well, I actually transfered to FSU (bad move I know), but I plan on going back to graduate. So I guess my question for you is, if all the oceans in the world were filled with Gatorade, and not seawater, do you think more homeless people would sleep on the beach? And then by consuming all the free Gatorade, would we have a new breed of athlete? I just can't imagine how bad a homeless locker room would smell after a sweaty game. I hope you take the time to carefully consider my question and get back to me. Thanks, Jarod Kintz
I have a question for you that concerns the nutritional value in undergarments. How many homeless people could survive a week by eating a package of your underwear? My guess is four, but my buddy Mr. Fizzlebush thinks seven can survive. Which of us is right? And what kind of fruit is your underwear made out of. To me it tastes like apples, but Mr. Fizzlebush thinks they taste like raisins. Again, which of us is correct? I hope to hear back from you soon. Best, Jarod Kintz
How do I get to be on your commercials? I'm a huge fan of Snapple, especially your bottles. I like how your lids go clickity click click click when I push it in really fast with my thumb. Oh yeah, and it tastes swell too. Well, I've said some pretty nice things about you, now it's your turn to say some pretty nice things about me. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I've always been fond of the great blue yonder. And I like riding on your planes, but everytime I fly I seem to end up next to an obese woman who smells like three-day- old bacon grease. And that always makes me very hungry, but all you guys ever seem to serve is peanuts. Maybe peanuts work for the elephant who always sits next to me, but I need more. Also, these obese people leave me very little room to put my arms, so I end up just putting them in my pants. So do you think you could start a new anti-obesity policy? I know that sounds incensitive, and fat people need to fly too, but there's always room in the cargo hold, right? Anyways, it was just a thought. Please get back to me without any delays (a little airplane humor for you). I look forward to hearing from you and upcoming flights that are obesity-free. Thank You, Jarod Kintz
Your pepparoni makes my feet itch. Is this a natural reaction? I also think you need to chop up your sausages smaller, because they tend to get lodged in my nose. And why is it that there are only delivery boys? Why don't you start sending out hot women wearing nothing but pepparonis over their nipples, and a slice of pizza over their no-no place? You might see more pizza sales. Just a thought. I look forward to hearing back from you on this. Thanks, Jarod Kintz
Summer is coming up, and that means travel is going to be up also. In considering the hotel industry, a problem ocured to me. People have to come to you. Why don't you go to the people? Or, more specifically, with the people. Yes, I'm talking about a portable hotel. I don't know how you would do this, but you guys aren't keeping up with the times. Computer chips keep getting smaller and smaller, yet your rooms are still in the twentieth century. If you could make your rooms the size of a penny, people could start vacationing in their own sofa cushions. A whole new travel industry would be born. I hope you guys take this thought seriously, and I look forward to staying in a hotel room in my pocket. Sleep well, Jarod Kintz
You never cease to amaze me. Sometimes when I'm in your store I can't stop myself from drooling all over your floor in awe. I am a huge comic book buff, and I think you should come out with a super hero character. Super Wal-Mart Man. He'll be larger than life, and weigh almost 300 pounds, like your average customer. He'll also come from a trailer park, like most of your employees. Super Wal Mart Man might not save the day, but he'll sure save a few bucks with coupons and discount shopping. If you need an illustrator, I know how to sketch a bit. Let me know what you think. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
You know that phrase, "You've got to start somewhere, might as well start in the mailroom and work your way up?" Yeah, well that might apply in your company, but since you guys are so big now, and have so many customers, it doesn't apply in the job I want. They don't have a mailroom. Oh, I'm so confused! If there is no mailroom, no bottom, then there's only a middle and a top. And I can't start in the middle of a company. That's like running a marathon and starting on mile eight--I'd get disqualified. So I guess I'm asking your advice with how to proceed with my career. Confucious never said, "A journey of a thousand miles starts with the 5,000th step." Please respond quickly, I am in desperate need of your council. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Are you really my uncle, because I don't remember voting for you. Not that I voted for my alcoholic Uncle Lenny either, but at least he doesn't sodomize me as hard as you do with your stupidity. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "He doesn't know what I'm thinking." Right? And now I have you scared. And I also know what you're thinking now, but I am NOT a democrat. Neither am I a republican. I'm a revolutionist. I am in favor of a healthy government upheaval. And I know that some of the bravest and most intellectual Americans in the history of this country would agree with me that we need a revolution. Men like Warren Buffet, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Voltaire. I know you're thinking, "What! One of the men on that list isn't even American!" To that I say, How dare you call George Washingtron unAmerican. You have strayed so far away from his vision of this country that if he were sitting right here on my bed with me, he'd be the first to pick up my floppy dildo and lead the assault on the Whitehouse himself. Your time of tyrrany is almost up. Thank you, Jarod Kintz P.S. Do you think you could send me some souvenirs from the Whitehouse? Anything will please me, I'm not really picky. Maybe you could send me all the "W" keys off every keyboard? That would be great.
This is my third attempt to qualify for a World Record. I have a unique talent that might be record breaking. Some people, circus people, swallow swords. I don't sewallow swords, I shit spoons. And the crazy thing is, I only eat forks. I'm a human silverware factory. So my proposal is to declare myself the most portable and low overhead factory since the Industrial Revolution. I know that those damned Victorian Brits would have loved to showcase me in a display in a glass house. So there it is. If that is not record worthy, I don't know what is. Also, what's the world record for the most rejected Guinness proposals? I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
It has just come to my attention that you make shoes. It might have come to my attention earlier if I wore shoes. But I only wear gloves, because I was born with hands for feet. So when I meet new people I don't shake their hand, I just sort of tickle their feet. But I am interested in getting into marathons, and I was wondering if you could design a special glove for me that had air on the bottom, because my handfeet get so blistered and sore. Also, since you guys are the kings of sports, if I am playing soccer, can I pick the ball up with my handfeet and throw it without getting penalized? It would be like Pele meets Jordan meets Mark Train(people tell me I look just like him). I'd love it if we could meet. So many people to meet, and so many feet to greet (That's a little joke my mom tells me when I get depressed about my disability). I guess you could say I have the ultimate foot fettish. People are always obsessed with things that they don't have, right? Oh boy, if I had a wife for every hand I have, I'd be a Mormon. Anyways, it was good writing to you, and I look forward to hearing back from you. Best, Jarod Kintz
320 Comments:
Great for suicides
very funny
tragic picture. You know they say you die in mid air from a heart attack, and not from the impact. I had an Uncle who fell out of his kitchen cabinet and died only inches from the ground. Too bad too. He owed me money.
J.O.K. (Orafoura)
Ha. Clever. I like it.
reminds me of Gary Larson.
-Rob
Funny stuff, very Larson-Like.
Larry McNig
Sluck MY Balls !!!
McNig ?
This office building reminds me of where I work. What the reader dosen't know is that on the inside of that door it reads "MENS RESTROOM". Hey, us ladies have to get ahead somehow.
Veta
Veta,
You are very funny. Maybe you could draw that image and email it to me. I love that idea.
~Jarod
Jarod,
I have learned from the best. Mabye I will.
Veta
Darth Veta,
Definitely draw the inside of the building and copy and paste it as a second frame next to the original. That would be really good. Us girls have to stick together! Men are lame.
Yes you are right, men are lame, pretentious, arrogant and insensitive. But without them who would we make fun of?
This comic IS very Gary Larson-like.
This is an awesome comic! Very funny and clever. It is definetly Larson-Like.
Josh
Great comic I wish my wife would work at this office, but my wife dosen't work, she shops.
David Beckham
I love the part when he got the lolli
There was a time in my life when I was so depressed you could have poured syrup on me and eaten me like a pancake. But that was then and this is five minutres from then, and now I look more like a waffle now.
-Jarod Kintz
People are now making bongs out of shoes. And their laced with cocaine.
-Jarod Kintz
Eating a meal at McDonalds is like your boyfriend. Full of shit.
I think that television shows these days are so unrealistic and full of fantasy. So I am creating a new show: Perplexed in the city.
I only have one piece of advice... Never stand between mating gorillas!! There I said it! Don't say I didn't warn you!!!!
I once made a bong out of a shoe. Those were the good ol' days. I now have moved onto using old sports equipment, do you know where I can find some, preferably still sweaty?
Belinda the Slug Racing Groupie
Belinda,
I also used to race slugs, before I hurt my knee that is. Now I just coach. But I have been known to spike my competition's Gatorade with salt. as far as sports equipment, I can hook you up with a used chess board. Is chess a sport? It always makes my armpits sweat with fear. I used to play pro chess. I quit after my Rook year.
-Jarod Kintz
I searched for Bobby Fischer. I found him. He was hiding in an Australian castle with the King. He asked me if I had the money. I said what money? He said the check, Mate.
-Jarod Kintz
What a weird coincidence, I used to mate with Bobby Fisher. But sadly he turned out to be a Queen. I believe that chess is a sport, unbeknown to most, like unicycling. One on the wheel is the real deal, don't you think?
Belinda
Belinda,
Yes I used to be into unicycling. But I don't watch much porn anymore. Now I only "ride" if there is another wheel. And I keep it safe, I always wear my helmet. Would you like to go on a bumpy ride with me?
I am not up to as much as I used to be, what with the loss of my legs in the Great Trombone Accident of 84' and all, but as long as the helmet is shiny and I can sit in the side cart, you do have a side cart don't you?
Belinda
Belinda,
Side cart? What kind of fetish is that? I'm not into midget sex. You should talk to Renaldo for that. My helmet is shiny and lubricated.
-Jarod Kintz
Belinda,
Yes I used to be into unicycling. But I don't watch much porn anymore. Now I only "ride" if there is another wheel. And I keep it safe, I always wear my helmet. Would you like to go on a bumpy ride with me?
-Jarod Kintz
I just bought a new home with the financing genius of Jarod Kintz. Although it's a real shitbox, the festering stench has quite grown on me. Plus, I didn't pay shit for it.
-Maurice Mcfeces
Change is something you should strive to achieve. It's unhygenic to wear the same boxers for several days in a row.
-Jarod Kintz
He had eyes llike a pillow in the night, black and puffy. He had eyes like hot grease, brown and shimmering in the light. She had breasts like two basketballs, deflated in the winter. He had eyes like desert clay, cracked in the sun. he had patriotic eyes, deep blue set off by fireworks of red veins in a sky of white. But he was a man of no country, and even less political loyalty. He was a man who stood for nothing, even when he sat down. He was a lawyer. He had eyes like a watermelon, deep green with seeds for pupils. But he was no fruit.
-Jarod Kintz
Fear and sex are not unrelated. They both have characteristic odors, and both are greatly enhanced by the imagination.
-Jarod Kintz
When money talks, don't interrupt.
-Jarod Kintz
He had eyes like an asshole, red and wrinkled. He had eyes like a tombstone, cold and gray. He had a face like a burnt forest, and eyes as brown as a bear. She had a face as flat and broad as a windshield, and when she cried I wanted to turn on the wipers, but I just handed her a tissue. She had eyes like yesterday, forgettable. She had lips like desert clay cracked in the sun. And as the snot streamed out from her nose it almost created a mudslide, but she deftly licked it off.
-Jarod Kintz
Fear is healthy. I wish it came in a pill. I'd bottle it up and sell it to little children and the elderly.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes, when I'm afraid, I realize it's ust my imagination. So I like to make the fear real by giving it a face and drawing it, so I can see it and defeat it by stabbing it. But I need to buy some paper and stop drawing on my girlfriends. Sooner or later they are going to find the bodies. And this makes me afraid...
-Jarod Kintz
Mullets I'd like to fuck.
-Jarod Kintz
If being a bad ass were a full time job, I'd be unemployed.
-Jarod Kintz
If I had five fingers growing out of my cheek, every time I got slapped by a girl I'd yell, "high five!"
-Jarod Kintz
I love friends with benefite. Except for Uncle Sam. Why do I always have to be on the bottom with him?
-Jarod Kintz
If fear is stemmed from ignorance, Americans must fear money.
-Jarod Kintz
Money is the only God that multiplies and becomes more powerful the more you tithe. Of course, money can't save your sins,it can only save yourself. Money is a selfish God.
-Jarod Kintz
The stench of death fears no deoderant.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to wrestle with my fears, but usually my grandparents whoop my ass.
-Jarod Kintz
If you're looking to take a long, beautiful drive through life, you might not want to take the cynic view.
-Jarod KIntz
As a matter of principal, never have sex for your own interest.
-Jarod Kintz
Never pay for sex with food stamps you don't have.
-Jarod Kintz
I haven't had a conversation with a dentist who hasn't either drilled me or put me to sleep.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't fear death any more than I fear a plate of spaggetti. And right now I feel both in the depths of my stomach. Wait, that's not death, that's just gas.
-Jarod Kintz
Someone once asked Orafoura if he'd rather have a fast death, a slow death, or a bowl of pasta. He responded, "Are they all free?" To which he was told no, they are not all free. He then replied, "Give me the slow death, it is the best value for my money." Then the questioner tried to correct his ambiguity saying that the deaths were free, but the pasta wasn't. Orafoura then responded, "That makes the slow death an even greater value still."
-Jarod Kintz
I got mugged yesterday. I had a skinny wallet and a fat lip.
-Jarod Kintz
Marriage is a business. The women are the owners and the men are the customers. The owners always profit, and the customer always thinks they are right.
-Jarod Kintz
Show me a foolish man and I'll tell you to stop pointing at me.
-Jarod Kintz
I placed him on a pedestal so he had a greater distance to fall when I knocked him down.
-Jarod Kintz
Who knows what the future holds? The wise man in the bar says it holds a beer. I think the future might also hold liver failer for him too.
-Jarod Kintz
No man knows what the future holds except for me. My future holds my penis while I piss on my past as I hold a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, because I can't live in my past after I've pissed all over it.
-Jarod Kintz
It's bad luck to walk under a laterally. Luck favors forward motion.
-Jarod Kintz
Luck is a myth like Bigfoot, only hairier and with less evidence.
-Jarod Kintz
Luck is a desease spread by the ignorant and treated by the foolish. The only cure is hard, smart work.
-Jarod Kintz
Marriage is like a house, and sex is the glue and love is the nails. Both serve to hold a marriage together, but it is trust which acts like a window to illuminate, and keep things fresh and open which really keeps the marriage going through all seasons.
-Jarod Kintz
My father was such a bastard that when he died we didn't buy him a headstone, we put in a toilet instead. Also, at the service, I chugged a bottle of x-lax.
-Jarod Kintz
Who understands women? I don't think many men would ever be able to get into the mind of a woman, and even fewer would be able to fit.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm trying to eat healthy, only eating things that come from the earth. But I still love my meat, so I found this cemetary near my house...
-Jarod Kintz
Friends make the best lovers. And dogs are man's best friend. Hey, what happens in Alaska, stays in Alaska.
-Jarod Kintz
My father must have owed me money as a baby, because I haven't seen him since.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm glad the killer skipped town, since we live in a pond and after three hops he drowned.
-Jarod Kintz
A small town can make a big impact growing up, especially when raised in the city.
-Jarod Kintz
I've only one really hard decision to make in my life, and it happened to involve pregnancy. Fortunately, me and the girl involved made the right decision and I came out healthy.
-Jarod Kintz
Is buying on credit like suicide or homicide? Both. With homicide you are not saving a life, you are expending, and with suicide you are taking something more valuable than you can afford to take.
-Jarod Kintz
Divide up everyone you know into either friends or enemies, and then further divide up your enemies into eight easy parts to either burn or bury.
-Jarod Kintz
Before a man commits suicide he needs to ask himself three very important questions. 1) Do I know how much bullets cost? 2) Is there any place/person this bulet would be better spent? And finally, 3)Did I delete all the porn off my hard drive?
-Jarod Kintz
The penis is a relatively little thing (especially in my case) that causes really big trouble. But it's this big trouble that keeps the world going through the generations. The world would be a painfully empty place if the penis were a really big thing that caused little trouble.
-Jarod Kintz
Man has done some crazy things in the name of religion. Ryan Withelsby once stacked seventeen bar stools on top of each other before clubbing the bartender to death with a rubber chicken after a heated debate about religion and the width of Julia Roberts' mouth.
-Jarod Kintz
In bed my girlfriend's a screamer, especially when I'm in the other room and she knows I can hear her.
-Jarod Kintz
Friends can be real motivators for you, especially when you hang out with people who collect midieval torture devices, military arsenal, and Judy Garland memorabilia.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend tells me I'm a romantic.She loves it. Flowers, candles, candy. After all, what 7-year-old doesn't like candy?
-Jarod Kintz
Was he a guilty alcoholic? He was past doubt, so I think so.
-Jarod Kintz
Baby, if I had you alone I'd sing to you in sign language as I'd gently strum my acoustic air guitar. I'd pick a dozen white roses with my bloody toes, and since you are allergic to peanuts, I'd smear your face in a subtle mixture of peanut butter and semen. I'd walk to the ends of the Earth for you, provided I could do it from my couch. I'd build a castle for you out of love, sand and human body parts.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to build the world's tallest building on top of the world's smallest man. He's be mixed up in the concrete foundation, of course.
-Jarod Kintz
If flowers grew out of my nose, I'd pick a thousand flowers for you and flick them on your grave.
-Jarod Kintz
There's a narrow percent of the population that doesn't widely believe anything.
-Jarod Kintz
There's no crime in a tee pee, there's no in-tent.
-Jarod Kintz
She stole the words out of my mouth, and I stole them from my boss' daughter along with her computer and her virginity. Daddy don't be md at me.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to think of my penis as an employee of mine. If he does all the thinking, I have to pay him, and he usually likes to be paid in singles, for the strip clubs. But the day he stops working is the day I stop paying for him, and can spend all those dollars somewhere more productive, like bottles of Viagra.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to think of my penis as en employee of mine that I don't pay, tries to do all my thinking, and steals resources from the company (blood), so there is none left for research and development. Oh, and he drools when he talks to women, which is almost as disturbing as the fact that he is always flexing for them.
-Jarod Kitz
I thought I saw Mr. Boo in Minnesota. It was either there or Memphis, I get confused. Either way, weren't you hiding in a cave despensing financial wisdom to the masses through a secret code written in sanskrit that you graffitied on public urinals? I deciphered the code, but missed the bulk of your lecture. I did manage to make some money that day. I found a quarter on the ground, flipped it and got heads. So i flipped it again for a total of two flips and fifty cents. So you taught me how to make 100 percent in just under ten seconds. Thanks, Mr. Boo!!!
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend likes Sex In The City. Trouble is, I live in the country.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't like being single. When I think single, I think cheese. Those little slices. Then I think grilled cheese sandwiches. Then I think, Man, I'm fried. Then I think chicken and I remember I have the munchies. Hey, that'd make a great TV show. Hey, Hey, We're The Munchies...Mun-Cheese. Damn, I'm still single.
-Jarod Kintz
What's better than a girl dressing sexy, is a girl undressing sexy. I, of course, am sexy.
-Jarod kintz
Even though I'm perfect, I still regret the mistakes other people make.
-Jarod Kintz
If flowers grew out of my nose, I'd pick a thousand and flick them on your grave.
-Jarod Kintz
Lots of people have sex on couches. Me too, just me with the couch.
-Jarod Kintz
I think you met my sex partner. You and I shook hands yesterday.
-Jarod Kintz
Your life is your penis. You wish it were longer and less wrinkled, or at least I do anyways.
-Jarod kintz
I love make-up sex. But sometimes real sex is good too.
-Jarod Kintz
My wife and i have great sex, just not with each other.
-Jarod Kintz
Why can't they make porn in a pill , for men? It'd be like an anti-Viagra to keep guys limp and focused on life. Like the feeling you get right after you jack off.
-Jarod Kintz
What is love? Is love something you can see, touch and tastelike a pair of round boobies dispensing milk to the thirsty? Yes, love is a pair of perfect boobies.
-Jarod Kintz
in life, you have to go after love. love is a breast that hasn't touched my life, I've touched it, only to be punched by the fists of fate known as her boyfriend.
-Jarod Kintz
We had a romantic night, a candle lit dinner in a cave when I told her I was caaveman.She couldn't accept this reality, or the fact that i didn't have indoor plumbing or central heating, and she left me for some hairless yuppy with a sportscar and two ulcers.
-Jarod Kintz
Last year my Father died of colon cancer. i remember him always talking out of his ass, but we never knew he was smoking out of it too.
-Jarod Kintz
People always ask me how I make a joke? I always respond, how does one make love? It all starts with a penis. The best sex, the best jokes all have a penis in them. But you just can't stuff it in there, you have to ease it in there. Get the listener all lubed up, so when the punchline hits it's like a suprise cumshot to the face, and all they can do is smile for the camera.
-Jarod Kintz
I like group sex, you get the best discounts.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex-girlfriend was always having sex behind my back, but I never turned around until the comercial breaks.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is a tool, like a hammer, that is best utilized with your right hand.
-Jarod Kintz
When you hang out with heavu metal bands, you don't throw away friends, you recycle.
-Jarod Kintz
Our Grandpa never farted in our presence, unless that was what we asked for for Christmas, and we always did. He blew the most marvelous ass you'd ever want to sniff.
-Jarod Kintz
Is going to get a manicure like going to the dentist for a mute person?
-Jarod Kintz
If you are deaf, is it not polite to talk with your fingers full of food?
-Jarod Kintz
When Snoop Dogg is like 84 and senile, people will probably say, "Damn, I've got to go walk my dogg, yesterday he shit all over the carpet."
-Jarod Kintz
I keep losing friends to my disorginization. And in all of the confusion I keep mixing them up with concrete and forgetting who's at the bottom of which lake.
-Jarod Kintz
In my last relationship, if the words "I love you" were shoes, I'd have hundreds of pairs, but I'd be too broken to walk even one step.
-Jarod Kintz
If I lived in the jungles of South America, and wore only a loin cloth, you probably wouldn't be able to get ahold of me because I'd have no pockets to hold my phone in. But if you somehow did manage to track me down, watch out you don't startle me, because I might shoot you with my poisenous blow gun.
-Jarod Kintz
In my last relationship, if the words "I'm sorry" were shoes, I'd have hundreds of pairs, but I'd be too broken to walk even one step.
-Jarod Kintz
If laziness were a scorpion, my defeat would sting that much harder.
-Karod Kintz
If laziness were a scorpion, my defeat would sting that much harder.
-Karod Kintz
Did I just misspell my own name? What a sloppy bastard i am.
-Jarod
If I could be in two places at once, I would throw both a party and an anti-party, where we would talk trash about the people at the party. Then I'd invite my other self over to the anti-party, with everyone from the party, and we'd slaughter everyone there for talking bad about us. Then we'd consume double the booze, as we'd try not to get blood on our slippers (yes, everyone at the party is wearing bright, fuzzy slippers).
-Jarod Kintz
I love sitting around campfires and talking about my youth, and all the camps I went to, and fires I started, and how all the little children looked as they ran, screaming, as their flesh was on fire. I can almost smell it now. Boy, I sure could go for some burnt hot dogs at this very moment.
-Jarod Kintz
I broke up with my ex girlfriend because she had no sense of humor. Everytime I beat her up, I was only trying to make her laugh.
-Jarod Kintz
If mouths were fists, a lot of comedians would try to make you laugh by hitting you in the face. And it might be funny, if you didn't see it coming first.
-Jarod Kintz
I thought I saw the Mythical Mr. Boo out near Topeka (kansas, I think) two summers ago, and he was in some deep thought in the middle of the road. I nearly ran him over, so I backed up to try again, but he was gone. And where he was sitting in the instant before there was now a piece of paper. When I got out of my truck to look at it I saw that it was a personalized check made out to me for enough money to last me until next Tuesday. I don't know where he is at this moment, but I know that this month's rent is already on its way courteousy of The Mythical Mr. Boo. So I tried to kill him, and he keeps me living. Gee Thanks, Mr. Boo!
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend bought a new sex toy the other day, but we can't tell anybody because immigration doesn't know he's over here.
-Jarod Kintz
My last girlfriend was as dumb as a monkey. and the sex was terrifying because we'd do it in trees, and I'm afraid of heights.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to pen a novel on someone's body, but if the tattoo book turns out to be badly written, then I'd have to burn it.
-Jarod Kintz
I just got to know and love Amy's (my ex girlfriend) dog, and she'd come jump in the bed while we were snuggling and she'd drool all over me. I hated being drooled all over. I think it may have been the driving factor for me breaking up with Amy.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of people like to count sheep to help them fall asleep. I don't, I count shephards. It makes me have to fall asleep faster because with shephards I can't count higher than two, unless I count former shephards. But even then it's still only three.
-Jarod Kintz
God damn it if you're not the most mythical man I've never met, mr. boo.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate taking vitamins. They taste so nasty I almost throw up every night. I want to switch to Flintstone vitamins. They're so good you can just chew them up. But then a thought occured to me. I wouldn't be suprised to see a kid come on TV in a decaxde or so and say something like, "I used to take Flintstone vitamins every day. I haven't gotten a cold in over a decase, but now I have diabetes."
-Jarod Kintz
If I were to start a revolution, I wouldn't use men for soldiers, I'd use pandas. Because who wants to shoot a panda? And while the government officials were oogling over the pandas, the pandas would gun them all down.
-Jarod Kintz
Why did God give man only two hands? He should have given us a million because there are so many interesting people in the world to meet.
-Jarod Kintz
If I'm an honest, anti-socialist orphan, who believes in reincarnation, would I have to pay for my funeral in my next lifetime?
-Jarod Kintz
It's a shame that poor peole have no money to eat, but then again, a dollar really doesn't fill you up that much anyway. Although I've never eaten a roll of nickels. That might work, if you have no teeth and can just swallow them like poor people can.
-Jarod Kintz
There are so many homeless people in the world, and almost nowhere to put them, that most people put them down. I won't ever put one down, but I certainly won't put one up for the night either. they might give my cats flees, and I could no longer orally groom my cats then.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend is a really great money manager. She treats every dollar like an employee that she outsources all over the city, and she always has their best interest in mind, even if it's 18%.
-Jarod Kintz
I like all sorts of poor people, as long as they have a lot of money to blow.
-Jarod Kintz
The spectrum that seperates the rich from the poor is about as wide as a doublewide trailer, plus as much empty highway as humanly possible between it and the country club.
-Jarod Kintz
Growing up I was so poor I had to share gloves and shoes with my older brother. And he only had one leg, so I only got to wear the left shoe. But that's ok, I got to wear both gloves.
-Jarod Kintz
Isaac Newton is my hero. During his time, people opened doors for him. But he opened the door for all time so that the world might step out into enlightenment.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to stand at the edge of the universe, wearing next to nothing, standing next to nothing, and thinking about nothing. This would be both heaven and hell to me. Or it could be just nothing.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish I could sell anger by the ounce. Then when people would try to buy some of my anger I would remain silent and ignore them before flatly refusing to sell to assholes. If, and when they blew up at me, I'd say, "that'll be 14.95 please. try not to use it all at once next time."
-Jarod Kintz
A janitor once told me, "love is a mop. Sometimes it's dirty, but it's only after it's gone that you fully realize how clean everything was because of it." I sat stunned for a second before spitting on his freshly mopped floor and said, "clean that, Cupid." He did, and I think he appreciated my concise love analogy.
-Jarod Kintz
I found love yesterday, and I found it in my wallet. You can't have an empty heart when your wallet is full.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't tell many people this, but I used to wet the bed up until the time I was seventeen. And sometimes my mom would get so angry that she'd make me sleep on the couch.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't tell many people this, but I used to wet the bed up until the time I was seventeen. And sometimes my mom would get so angry at being awoken that she'd roll over and tell me sleep on the couch.
-Jarod Kintz
A year without love is like a week without water, unless you're a camel, then it's like a week without a dirty Arab kicking you in the sides as he saddles himself on your back. So I guess going without love can also be kind of a good thing. You might be able to further yourself without all the excess baggage and strain of a person always riding you.
-Jarod Kintz
A year without love is like a week without water, unless you're a camel, then it's like a week without a dirty Arab kicking you in the sides as he saddles himself on your back. So I guess going without love can also be kind of a good thing. You might be able to further yourself without all the excess baggage and strain of a person always riding you. But what do I know, I'm not an Arab, nor a camel, I'm just a thirsty fool.
-Jarod Kintz
A man ought to own two cars--one that his wife knows he has, and another for his mistress. Unless he has two mistresses, then he should have three mattresses, two cars and a van where he keeps both a mattress and a mistress. Oh, and some peanut M&Ms that his wife won't let him eat, and his other mistress is allergic to.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of people live at or below the poverty line. And by poverty line, I mean the Tennessee/Mississippi border line.
-Jarod Kintz
If my love was a lightbulb, it would be a candle with no wick, wax, or flame.
-Jarod Kintz
If my relationship was a tree, my girlfriend would be a lubmerjack, always trying to cut me down in front of my forest of friends.
-Jarod Kintz
If Jesus turned water into wine, why can't Jehovah send down from heaven a beer funnel full of heavenly ale?
-Jarod Kintz
If love were alcohol, I'd never get drunk because I wouldn't want to throw up on my girlfriend while we were cuddling. But I wouldn't even be dating her because I don't date lushes.
-Jarod Kintz
I always thought my grandpa was really tough because he never cried until I learned that he had no tear ducts. But that didn't suprise me as much as the fact that he didn't have any children.
-Jarod Kintz
I would rather live a life as a deaf man, than one who could hear all the sorrows of the world. And by sorrows of the world, I mean a wife's voice.
-Jarod Kintz
If I was a deaf king and someone said something that angered me, I'd cut off their disrespectful fingers. Then I'd make the man count off, on his fingers, ten reasons why I shouldn't kill him. Then, just before the axe was about to fall on his head, I'd shout, "Stop! Let him live, for he will never pick another fight, nor nostril, not wedgie as long as he shall live, and that is justice."
-Jarod Kintz
Everytime I feel that life is stepping on my toes I stop and think, Hey, it could be worse. At least I have feet, with toes to step on. Not like my grandpappy who had no feet and used to have to walk everywear bare-ankled with snow up to his, um, ankles.
-Jarod Kintz
Hands down I think the most overused criminal cliche has got to be get your hands up.
-Jarod Kintz
A couple of monkeys live in the apartment above mine. I guess they came from the tree I planted in my living room.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate fake plants. I hate fake people. But I'd rather have the former in my living room because at least it doesn't get mad when I piss on it.
-Jarod Kintz
If women had windows on their forehead, I still wouldn't be able to tell what they were thinking. Would a dirty window mean dirty thoughts, or would it just mean they needed more windex in their Diet?
-Jarod kintz
If women had windows on their forehead, I'll bet that more women would be going to the emerency room because a baseball flew through their forehead. Which kind of sucks for the kid who hit the ball, because how do you pay to replace a forehead?
-Jarod Kintz
If a women had a window on her forehead, and was looking through a window, would that be a metaphysical statement about life in sort of an Escherian sort of way? Or could she be just window shopping? And if so, if I'm staring at her forehead, am I just window shopping too? If she has no curtains or blinds on her forehead, would I be able to read her mind? These and other thoughts consume my windowless mind as I wonder about my own mortality and role in life. I also wonder how much she'd pay me to clean her window?
-Jarod Kintz
If I had a door for a mouth, would you knock before trying to talk to me, or would you just kick it in whenever you felt like having a conversation?
-Jarod Kintz
Chuck Norris is nature's best laxitive because everytime he clenches his fist at you, you'll shit your pants.
-Jarod Kintz
Chuck Norris would never fight a man in a wheelchair becase chances are, chuck Noris put him in that wheelchair.
-Jarod Kintz
I like taking pictures of people and nailing them on my wall, and not feeding them for days as they squirm in pain. After I take them down, they never find it as amusing as I do. Some people have no sense of humor when it comes to taking their pictures.
-Jarod Kintz
When the sausages are down, and all the pigs are in your corner, you know you can do anything.
-Jarod Kintz
Going to pick up girls in a retirement home is like fishing in the desert. Everything there is ancient, bony, and all dried up.
-Jarod Kintz
You can't help an alcoholic. My ex girlfriend drank like a camel, but she absolutely refused to get the arab off her back, so I had to break up with her.
-Jarod Kintz
I've never seen an alcoholic with no arms. They all seem to be able to hold their liquour.
-Jarod Kintz
If love were an ant biting my testicles, would you scratch my balls?
-Jarod Kintz
If it's true what they say, and you are what you eat, I must be fourteen European tourists and a bus driver.
-Jarod Kintz
I like making money just as much as the next man, except if I'm standing next to a bum.
-Jarod Kintz
I wonder if when Thomas Edison had the idea for the light bulb a light bulb went off over his head.
-Jarod Kintz
Before Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, if you had an idea, did a candle light up above your head?
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes my laughter is so fake and canned I want to eat it with a spoon. But I don't because I know I'll choke if I eat while I'm laughing.
-Jarod Kintz
For me, there are five seasons of love. Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, and Never. Each one lasts a lifetime, and I'm in the one that doesn't correspond to life.
-Jarod Kintz
Love is the passion that sets your heart on fire as your loved one roasts marshmallows with her lover over your burning chest, after they robbed you of your chocolate and graham crackers. But maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic drowning in my optimism. Optimism and and the sweat of their nightly sexual encounters.
-Jarod Kintz
Love is like petting a midget with velvet hair on his neck and back. You might not believe it until you feel it, and then you will never forget it.
-Jarod Kintz
Falling in love is like being a tight rope walker and tying your shoes with the rope you strung across a canyon and then trying to walk across it. It's crazy, but most of our parents did it once. And I'm not just talking about you circus folk either.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd rather be in love than have four cheese pizzas, if only for the fact that there is no pepparoni on any of them.
-Jarod Kintz
As a general rule, I don't date aquatic animals. But I might make an exception in the case of a certain mermaid by the name of Mathilda. And I won't ever date a dolphin, regardless of how many free rides to the Keys they give me.
-Jarod Kintz
Love is internal and also eternal, like so many versions of people's hell. Or heaven, depending on if you are being loved back.
-Jarod Kintz
Most people have no vision, they can't even see past next Tuesday, which is a shame because I'm having people over on Wednessday.
-Jarod Kintz
If I were an elephant who had flowers for feet, I'd be both proud that I had the best smelling feet, yet sad because everytime I'd walk I would crush my feet.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend thinks she looks fat in pictures. I tell her she's not fat, the wide angle lens is just too skinny.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex, like business, is better with multiple partners...too bad I'm bankrupt.
-Jarod Kintz
If you own the most profitable manure distribution warehouse in the world, you stll might not like the smell of success.
-Jarod Kintz
Never dance with a man with hammers for feet, if he steps on your toes he'll break them.
-Jarod Kintz
Never hire a window washer who has baseballs for hands, especially if he has webbed feet that look like gloves.
-Jarod Kintz
Being drunk is like having the world on your mind: everything is spinning so fast that all you want to do is throw up.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend's feet smell like onions. That's why I make her stir the pasta with them. Then I make her scrub her feet--using the dishes rather than a wash rag.
-Jarod Kintz
I knew a musician who made music out of synthetic materials and glue, and had a voice like a thousand angels all whispering in unison. But that's because his voice was raspy from smoking. And nobody liked his music, except for his mother, who sold him the glue, after she'd already huffed it.
-Jarod kintz
Women are complicated. I wish they came with instruction manuals. But I wouldn't date foreign chicks because I can't speak foreign languages. That, plus if there is a defect, other countries might not have the better business bureau to complain to.
-Jarod Kintz
There are several key differences between men and women. Women tend to have more keys than men.
-Jarod Kintz
To make love last and help keep your relationship fresh, try shoving your loved one in a Tupperware container.
-Jarod Kintz
The problem with dating two women at once is time management. For example, how do you schedule who mows the lawn and who gets to make the dinner? And what about the dishes?
-Jarod Kintz
Your girlfriend is so stupid, she summarized a one-liner in two paragraphs.
-Jarod Kintz
If money grew on trees, then monkeys would be rich. And then I'd really hate rich people, because not only would they have all the money, but they'd also hurl piles of shit at you. Throughout the history of the world, poor people have always gotten pooped on, but never with such velocity.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish I could found and become mayor of my own town. I'd call it Moderation. And as the mayor of Moderation, I'd tell people that everythings better in Moderation, the food, the sex, even government committees. Of course I'd know that the greatest thing, for me anyways, would be the taxes. Yes, even in Moderation, taxes are good.
-Jarod Kintz
Belinda,
Yes I used to be into unicycling. But I don't watch much porn anymore. Now I only "ride" if there is another wheel. And I keep it safe, I always wear my helmet. Would you like to go on a bumpy ride with me?
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend had eyes like an x ray machine: large and gray. And she could see right through me, especially if I had a hole in my torso, which I didn't.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend had eyes like an x ray machine: large and gray. And she could see right through me, especially if I had a hole in my torso, which I didn't.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend had eyes like an x ray machine: large and gray. And she could see right through me, especially if I had a hole in my torso, which I didn't.
-Jarod Kintz
for me, the future represents nothingness, a huge unknown. And since it represents nothing, the future is what I spend most of my time thinking about.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend broke up with me because sha said she only dates men who are built. It hurt a little bit, but then i thought, So what if I was a little bit disassembled?
-Jarod Kintz
I never have sex on my mind, my brain is way to squishy.
-Jarod Kintz
I think secondary characters in books should be flat, like pancakes, just not as sweet and fluffy.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish not that there were more hours in a day, but more days in an hour (currently there are none). Because if days made up hours, and hours made up days, which in turn made up hours, then time would be eternal. But then spending thirty seconds at a red light would be a tragic waste of a lifetime. And under these circumstances, I can see it justified in killing someone who sits on the line five seconds after the light has turned green.
-Jarod Kintz
Since red means go and green means stop, everytime I see an Italian flag waving in the wind I get all confused. I'm not going, I'm not stopping, I'm in an uncertain state, much like plasma.
-Jarod Kintz
I need to get another Mr. Potato head. My last one got burned after being run over twice and peed on by my aunt after I accidentally left it in the toilet while playing with it.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to tell people, "I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking, 'He doesn't know what I'm thinking.'" Then I ask if I'm right. Then before they answer, I say, "You were wrong, I do know what you were thinking. And just so you don't have to ask, no I do not have a sister that's exactly like me that I could set you up with.
-Jarod Kintz
Americans can be metaphored into three people, all musicians...two of them are West Virginia banjo players who are having a banjo-off while Uncle Sam watches and throws money into their banjo cases, while the third musician, a musical prodigy, can't play because Uncle Sam is stepping on his fingers as he spectates the two banjo players. The government is always throwing money in the wrong direction, and crunching the fingers of the fabulous. And by fabulous, I mean everyone who doesn't qualify for government grants and welfare.
-Jarod Kintz
I waste a lot of time. That seems to be my greatest talent. If I was half as good at comedy as I am at wasting time, you would literally die from laughtrer at my stuff. Everybody in the world would be dead. But I wouldn't find this funny. I'd find it so sad that I'd die of remorse.
-Jarod Kintz
When someone asks me what I'm doing the night before a big test i always answer that I am doing what I do best...procrastinating. I know I have to read, but the decision to do it is a big one. So big a decision, in fact, that I think it would be wise to sleep on it.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't like to slaughter innocent people any more than the next man, unless the next man is Joseph Stalin, then maybe only slightly more.
-Jarod Kintz
My father believed in tough love. And when I watched him drown my four brothers, and saw how he seemingly remained aloof as they thrashed about, I knew then what unconditional love was.
-Jarod Kintz
If my hands were a little smaller then they are now, and my balls stretched from Seattle to Tampa, I'd probably hire people in the Mid west to help scratch them. Then I'd tell my mother-in-law what I really think about her, and watch as my father-in-law says, "Boy, you've got balls, that's for sure."
-Jarod Kintz
If I had bras balls, I might be brave, but I'd be lonely because I wouldn't let anyone touch them for fear of tarnishing them.
-Jarod Kintz
In what kind of country do we live in where a criminal can hire a fancy lawyer and get away with murder, rape, and abduction of bovine. I mean, does nobody in this country care about cows anymore?
-Jarod Kintz
If I were a blade of grass, I wouldn't let you step on me, but I'd sure take your shit.
-Jarod Kintz
My neighbor owned a sugar plantation. I asked to borrow a cup of sugar one day and he gave me a one square foot piece of his property. After that I must have asked to borrow about 3,000 cups of sugar, just enough to bake a medium sized cabin.
-Jarod Kintz
I want a house with no doors. Then I'll tell people to come over, but not to come in before knocking on the front door.
-Jarod Kintz
I feel I could love someone for their entire life, provided I meet them on their deathbed.
-Jarod Kintz
Being so introverted, my favorite person was always my dad. He was such an outgoing person, and could always bring out the best in me, even if he was never there.
-Jarod Kintz
The girl of my dreams never calls me, but that's ok, I never hear the phone ring while I'm sleeping anyway.
-Jarod Kintz
You can never tell when a dentist is pulling your chain, but you can always tell when he's pulling your tooth.
-Jarod Kintz
There was once a cowboy with six arms, who carried six six-shooters. And one day he met a clown with 36 illegetimate children. And the clown asked the cowboy if he could do him a favor. The cowboy asked what he had in mind. The clown responded, "Can you juggle your pistols at my kids' birthday party and 'accidentally' shoot every single one of my children?" The cowboy laughed for a moment and said, "I normally don't do favors for clownfolk, but in your case I'll make an exception. But only on one condition. First you have to teach me how to juggle, and then you have to beat me in a game of paper,rock,scissors." When the clown realized his offer had been declined, he turned slowly around and shuffled away. That's when the cowboy shot him in the back as he said, "My bastard father was a clown. And I hated my father and all his makeup wearing friends. Not once did he every show up at any of my birthday parties. Not once did he every invite me to join the circus with him. My father was ashamed of me, not because I had six arms, but because I am allergic to make up. And you know how to juggle pies, but you don't know how to juggle your 36 kids. So for that, you had to die."
-Jarod Kintz
If I had a love for music, and made a flute out of sour dough bread, then one day stopped playing music and my flute all together, could it be said I ended my musical relationship on a sour note?
-Jarod Kintz
If you have no legs, and your only principles in life are to never lay down for anyone and to never take anything sitting down, do you stand on your principles?
-Jarod Kintz
I drowned my ex girlfriend with affection, and two steady hands to hold her head under.
-Jarod Kintz
Larry got genital warts from having sex with frogs. Or were they toads? Doesn't matter, you shouldn't stick things you find in ponds in your pants. Unless, of course, you find a beautiful girl laying in a pond or a puddle. Or if she's laying in a pool. But not if she's laying in a pool of blood, then you should call an ambulance which would require you to take your hands out of your pants.
-Jarod Kintz
My IQ is like a beautiful spring day. In the mid 80s
-Jarod Kintz
1. How many people have you fucked? none, but I'm hoping to get lucky real soon here. Mother says it should be any day now.
2. Weed, coke, crack, heroin, oxy, coke, acid, x, k, peyote, mushrooms, opium, hash....out of these 12 drugs how many have you done? In the Immortal words of Bob saggat, "Have you ever sucked dick for coke." Yeah, that's me. Except they didn't give me the coke.
3. Ever cheated on a GF/BF? I would have but i couldn't get my penis up.
4. Ever paid for sex?I tried but my visa was maxed out
6. Ever been divorced?I'm still working on getting laid
7. If you had to pick one what's your fav sexual position? Beggars can't be choosers. I'll take what I can get.
8. Do you own any guns? No, but I know someone who does
9. Ever done more than 30 days in jail?They could never prove i did it.
10. Ever been to rehab?Those fuckers couldn't hold me down
11. Ever do anything gay sexually?I was gangbanged forcefully in high school by the entire chess team
12. Ever fuck anyone that you met on myspace?there was this dwarf named denise. Or should I say dennis.
13. What size are your breasts/dick?My cock is about two by four. Two long and four wide. I would have to fuck sideways.
14. Do you think Arnold could beat up Chuck Norris?this puts me in a quandary here. I am deeply conflicted on this question.
15. What celebrity would you want to fuck if you had the chance? Maralyn Monroe, after they get the dirt off her pussy that is.
16. Ever been unemployed for over a year since becoming an adult? no, but it is on my list of things to do.
17. How many states have you lived in? i live everyday in a state of insanity
18. How many countries have you lived in? just one. But I'd like to be an illegal immigrant in several countries. I just don't like the yard work that accompanies that label.
19. Do you keep a weapon under or next to your bed at night?just my dildo
20. What celebrity would you want to beat up if you had the chance?Emmanual Lewis. I think it would be a pretty even matched fight. He's got some spunk, and I'd like to give him mine too--all over his face.
21. Ever rolled into the harsh ghetto to buy drugs? Bitch, I am the ghetto
22. Ever had anal sex? I already told yo about those damn chess bastards
23. Ever been paid for sex? I tried. I even passed out flyers and coupons. But alas, it was not the trade for me.
24. Ever hired a PI to follow someone? Yeah, but he was a real dick
25. Ever bang your friends man/woman? yeah and what a man/woman it was
26. What is your IQ?My IQ is like a beautiful spring day. Mid 80s
27. Do you think Mr. Rogers really was a pervert or do you think he just loved kids? he was a marine sharpshooting perv. My kind of man
28. O.J. Simpson......did he do it? Yes or No hell yes that mutherfucker did it
29. Fake tits or real tits??? Oh thanks for noticing. they're real
30. Ever watch someone die? What are you insinuating? You can't prove shit.
31. How long has it been since you had sex? with someone else?
32. Name your favorite beer. beer tastes like piss. My uncles piss.
33. Any piercings? I want to get one on my clit, but first I have to get a clit.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to have sex for five minutes, but back to back sex gets tiring.
-Jarod Kintz
I like having sex for about five minutes. Yeah, back to back sex is always fun.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't understand having sex in an airplane. The bathroomes are so small. I could see it if maybe the bathroom was twice as large, or if the girl was half the size. But I've never seen a dwarf on any flight I've ever been on.
-Jarod Kintz
People always ask me how I've been. I always say, I've been good. I've been busy. It's amazing how time consuming procrastination is.
-Jarod Kintz
If I could travel back in time, and talk to any inanimate object, I'd want to speak to the sandals of Christ. I wonder what they'd say? They'd probably ask me if I've ever walked in another man's shoes, or followed in the footsteps of perfection. They'd probably say they weren't fit for the feet of Jesus, yet he walked with them anyways. I'd then ask how I knew they were really the sandals of the Christ? Then I'd pick them up and throw them into a body of water, and if they floated then they were indeed the sandals of the son of God, but if they sunk, they were just another pair of fanatical flip flops.
-Jarod Kintz
Life is about always having a bigger fish to fry, in a pan that's always too small.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes bears catch salmon. Sometimes great men catch bears. Sometimes scandalous women catch great men. But hardly anybody catches a scandalous woman, unless of course you install a hidden camera.
-Jarod Kintz
Pornostradamus was well indowed, well into the future.
-Jarod Kintz
A woman who wears the pants in the relationship never skirts the issue.
-Jarod Kintz
I got into a fight with Candyman. He sucker-punched me.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd never lick my fingers after eating, especially after I'd just eaten my fingers.
-Jarod Kintz
never do business with a man who's made out of milk, unless you get a shake out of it.
-Jarod Kintz
I knew a family who were made out of Legos. Their house on the beach was made out of Legos too, at least until a hurricane came and knocked it down. I'm currently enjoying helping them put their life back together.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend nearly drove me to insanity, but the car wouldn't start.
-Jarod Kintz
I think Ethiopians are among the most motivated people in the world. They are hungry, starving for success.
-Jarod Kintz
three feet and two shoes,
pitch a tent oes and five fingers,
-Jarod Kintz
-I wanted to be a romantic and take my girlfriend, Natasha, for a hot air balloon ride…
- Well, why didn't you? Are you afraid of heights?
- No, I am afraid of balloons.
- Hey, that's no way to talk about your girlfriend!!!
- I wanted to be a romantic and take my girlfriend, Natasha, for a hot air balloon ride…
- You should talk to my uncle before doing that.
- Why, does he know someone who got injured while doing it?
- No, but he took Natasha out last week and she loved it!
- I wanted to be a romantic and take my girlfriend, Natasha, for a hot air balloon ride…
- And what will Jennifer think about you taking Natasha up like that?
- Who's Jennifer?
- You old dog you. Hey, I don't know if you don't know.
- I wanted to be a romantic and take my girlfriend, Natasha, for a hot air balloon ride…
- I thought you were going to throw her out of your life.
- I am. But what better way to do that then from 20,000 feet in the sky?
- Well, I guess she fell hard for you once, might as well end things that way.
- I don't know what to do, I just backed my car over my grandpa…
- Good Lord, man. Is your car still under warranty?
- I don't really know. I just stole it from the nursing home.
- Oh yeah, how'd your date go?
- I don't know what to do, I just backed my car over my grandpa…
- Oh, is that what that horrible scream was?
- No, that was my grandma. She moved a little quicker, but I finally clipped her too.
- Sometimes old birds need to be clipped too.
- I don't know what to do, I just backed my car over my grandpa…
- I thought you said you had some bad news to tell me?
- I do. Grandma saw me run over him.
- Well, fortunately for us she's mute, and after we chop off her fingers she won't be doing much talking, now will she?
- I don't know what to do, I just backed my car over my grandpa…
- But I thought he's in a wheelchair?
- yeah, the good news is he was already paralyzed.
- Well next time you need to be more careful. Next time try to hit someone who actually has a chance of jumping out of the way.
- I've never told anybody this, but some days I wish I were a sponge.
- Not me, I'm afraid of the ocean.
- No, a sponge that you could use to bathe with.
- Yeah, you've always been kind of a dirty guy.
- I've never told anybody this, but some days I wish I were a sponge.
- And if money were bubbles, you'd still be broke.
- Yeah, but at least I'd be doing what I love.
- And you'd end up a crusty, dry old sponge, or man or whatever it is you wanted to be.
- I've never told anybody this, but some days I wish I were a sponge.
- Yeah, you could be a superhero. You could be Sponge man.
- Yes, and I could rid the world of filth--
- And instill fear into the cold, ceramic hearts of dirty dishes everywhere.
- I've never told anybody this, but some days I wish I were a sponge.
- So would you be a bathtub half-full, or half-empty kind of guy?
- If it were a hot girl in there, I'd consider it to be half full.
- Why, would this chick have no legs?
- You know, I don't think I'd ever vote for a kangaroo for public office.
- Well they couldn't be President, you can't be born in Australia, you have to be born here.
- What if they were born in a zoo here in the states?
- Then he's a criminal, knowing nothing but life behind bars.
- You know, I don't think I'd ever vote for a kangaroo for public office.
- He'd probably be corrupt. Everyone would have their hands in his deep pockets.
- Pouches. Kangaroos have pouches, not pockets.
- Whatever. You say tomato, I say one corrupt kangaroo.
- You know, I don't think I'd ever vote for a kangaroo for public office.
- I'll bet he'd hop on both sides of every issue.
- That, plus Australia was once an island full of criminals.
- Although most criminals are not as cute and furry, which makes me trust kangaroos even less.
- You know, I don't think I'd ever vote for a kangaroo for public office.
- Especially if he had a koala bear as a running mate.
- It wouldn't be a running mate, but more of a hopping mate.
- I could never vote for anyone who stuffs their children in their pockets.
-Jarod Kintz
-If I were deaf, I'd pray to god that I could find a girl who has her mouth on her breasts, so I could enjoy reading her lips.
-Not a lot of men today read. Publishers might get more men to read if they printed the texts of novels on women's breasts. And even more so if they were written in braille.
-I like to think of money like it's toilet paper. I don't ever want to run out of it, because it's at that uncomfortable moment I know I'll need it the most.
-If trees had breasts, I'd climb them all the time.
-Help eradicate poverty. Find out how you can slaughter a homeless person in your community.
-If our fingers posessed the sense of smell as well as touch, would anybody but the uber-vain wipe their ass?
-I'm sure glad God put our noses on our faces and not our asses because it'd be really painful to sit on your nose. And if you got a nose bleed you'd think it was a hemmharoid. But on the positive side, it would be much easier to sneeze and fart at the same time, which would be really satisfying.
-If I knew the month and day, but not the year, I was going to die, I'd probably get married on that date. Because then I'd never forget an annaversary, as that date would always be on my mind.
-If everyone in the world died, and it was up to me alone to repopulate it, there's no way I could do it single handedly. I highly doubt if it would even help if I used both hands.
-Do mother nature and father time have any children? And if you ever baby sat for them, would you get paid in good health and time extensions on your life?
-Most people don't know mother nature has a sister. But she's a whore that nobody invites to the family reunions. I think she lives in New Jersey.
-Jarod Kintz
If an Olympic speed walker talks on the phone while he walks, does he probably talk to fast?
-Jarod Kintz
I've often wondered what bacon would taste like if I were a pig. It'd probably taste like the time I ate my grandpa, except he squeeled a bit too much.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to want to be a lumberjack, but then I realized I was afraid of trees. Not actual trees, but trees in conceptual abstraction. I don't think I'd be afraid of trees if they grew horizontal. But since they grow vertical, and I am afraid of heights, I can't reasonably accept them as friends, unless all I wanted to do was cut them down. Maybe I do want to be a lubmerjack after all.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to create the world's best vodka and call it "Your Kind." But I won't sell it to bars. Then I'll sit in a bar and watch bartenders tell people "we don't serve Your Kind here," and then all the people will get offended and leave.
-Jarod Kintz
I love making your nether region moist with mayonnaise as I smear ham all over it and stuff it up my nose. Whoever invented foreplay is a genius.
-Jarod Kintz
I met a man named fishbird, who could neither swim nor fly, but he did taste great with a little tartar sauce.
-Jarod Kintz
yesterday I worked out so hard my legs felt like Jell-O, except they didn't spoil my dinner after I ate them.
I like eating desert for dinner. That way if I decide to have a piece of cake before dinner I won't even worry about spoiling my dinner.
Women have the ultimate power because they can give life. Men can never have that kind of power (as of yet)so they start wars. If they can't have the power of giving life, then they try to wield power by taking lives.
I told a thousand different jokes to a thousand diferent people. and they all laughed, except for one, but he just found out he was dying from cancer.
I can't stand people who complain about people who complain.
My lve for her wouldn't fir in a bowl the size of Texas, but it did fit perfectly in a Haiku.
I loved my ex girlfriend like I loved cheating on her, though I never did.
I saw my ex girlfriend this morning. she smelled like flowers, even though I only hid her body in the garden a week ago.
-Jarod Kintz
-Two fools with four forks and three sausages makes for a great breakfast spectacle.
-I don't need table manners because I don't have a table.
-I like to wear shoes that make me look taller, but I wish they made shoes out of ladders. Or maybe shoes made out of taller people.
-My best friend is a quarter Irish. He's got whiskey bottles from the knees down.
-My best friend is half Irish(alcoholic), and half Columbian(hopped up). Yeah, he's a big, black Russian.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend had a smile that could light up the room, and now that she's gone I just want her back. I hate how high my electricity bill is now.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend has eyes that change depending on the color of clothing she's wearing at that moment. They turn from gray blue to green to brown to yellow, but that's only when she wears her rainbow shirt.
-Jarod Kintz
Yes, we'll start a corporation. Bad ass Basket Weavers, and we don't descriminate against anybody except for beavers, because their dams look like a retard ate a pile of baskets and then threw them up to please his anorexic mother. Or was she bulemic? doesn't matter, she's a slut anyways. And Jimmy can weave some crazy baskets with his eyelids superglued to a car that's submerged in the gulf, and only using his toes and teeth. And we should also start selling kneecaps to little children who have no legs. We'll get an ice cream truck and drive through neighborhoods. And watch all the little legless kids come running to buy soe knee caps. Wait, the'll come rolling up to our truck on their wheelchairs. But we don't descriminate, we sell to the cripple kids too. Because if we don't, we don't have any customers. Yeah, I'm a business major, if you couldn't tell. around my hood they call me warren Buffet. But I don't really look like him all that much. although we do look similar in speedos, and I often walk around to people's houses wearing my little skimpy speedo and trying to seduce all the elderly women in the neighborhood. I have a ten percent return on my time, and that's good investing. But she was passed out, but who's really to say if that doesn't count? Certainly not Jimmy who forcefed her the Rufies.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Tracy,
You make me ___more moist than if i had a real vagina__.
You should __let me make my pineapple soup the way the natives of Hawaii taught me after they beat and raped me after initiation night_____.
Someday I will __be the greatest grandmother the world has ever seen____.
You + me = ___a life of happiness and a quest for world domination and the eradication of homeless people everywhere_____.
If I saw you now I'd __run in my closet and jack off under the pile of clothes________.
I would build a ___treefort the size of texas for you and fill it with candy from asia as well as illegal immigrants from Mexico____ just for you.
I would get your name tattooed on my ____mother's ass______.
If I could sing you any song it would be ___something with soul. Something like Billy Jones' "Yes we Have No Bananas today"______.
We could ___fornicate with fruit punch_______ under the stars.
My love for you is like that of _bucket full of lust. Lust and jism.___________.
Love,
______the man with the world's shortest, fattest penis_________
(P.S. ______It's not really as small as all the pictures make it look________.)
-Jarod Kintz
I feel the scent of mothballs are underrated in today's society. When I become the world's greatest grandmother, I will unleash a powerful new fragrence. I'll call it "Grandmother's House" Old men will love it, and little children will fear it.
-Jarod Kintz
Some men are born lucky, like they came out of the womb with a rabbit's foot tied around their wrist or something, which seems crazy to me because where's the rest of the rabbit? And how'd it get up in the mother's vagina in the first place?
-Jarod Kintz
Growing up, I used to talk dirty to bars of soap in my bathroom. And every time my mom would catch me, she'd wash out my mouth with lubrication.
-Jarod Kintz
1. If you were an elephant (elephants have great memories) who just got amnesia, and you found a black thong in your bed along with a bottle of vodka and a tricycle, what is running through your mind as far as what happened last night?
2. Your aunt comes over from Wichita and catches you having sex with your neighbor's significant other. What excuse do you give her, when she screams at you, for not capturing your sexual experience on film?
-Jarod Kintz
Not my snoopy thong! I got a stripping gig tonight, and I promised the birthday boy's mother that I would wear that. She wants me to jump out of the cake, but they're having the party on the roof of a building, so I hope they have a net installed.
I've been meaning to ask you if I left my binary anal defribulator under your sofa? If I did, you can't let your dog nibble on it, unless you disinfect it before returning it to me.
Oh, and the revolution has been cancelled. We are going to reschedule it for either Tuesday of next week or Friday of next week, based on when Jeremy can get off restricions 9he got in trouble for sassing his mother). But when we do meet, we are planning on overthrowing the people's assosiation for random rights, so bring your pinecones and an assortment of small rocks and sharp objects
-Jarod Kintz
If boogers smelled like flowers, I don't think I'd pick them.
-Jarod Kintz
If pussy were everywhere, and everywhere is anywhere, my life would be doubly depressing because I'd never get anywhere.
-Jarod Kintz
I have the hardest time remembering people's names. I think it's because I always remember the first time I meet someone like it was tomorrow.
-Jarod Kintz
www.bestandworstburst.com
-Jarod Kintz
I want to be really in touch with my femanine side. It'll be my left side, that's where I am going to get a breast implanted.
-Jarod Kintz
The general popluation of primitive countries are out of control. Third world countries are experiencing an explosion of youth. I think it's really sad to see a baby burst.
-Jarod Kintz
This morning I ate an archaic meal. I ate some angry, savage sausages.
-Jarod Kintz
Hearing my ex girlfriend on the phone, she sounds so shaky and fresh you'd think she has a virgin voice. Well, at least until you hear her moan.
-Jarod Kintz
www.fingernailedyourwife.com
www.apillowstuffedwithrazors.com
www.eyeslikeeggrolls.com
-Jarod Kintz
If two men with no arms hold up a cashier at a bank, is it still armed robbery? Or is it now armless armed robbery?
-Jarod Kintz
I once killed a cowboy for shoving his face into my wife's pie.-The ghost town clown
My ex girlfriend's love for me was like a bucket full of metaphorical jizz from all her lovers that she made me chug every morning. Just kidding, she was a great girl, and she'd never do that. Nope, she'd make me slowly sip it.
-Jarod Kintz
-Only a fool steps on the toes of a clown
-Never dance with a clown. They hate it when you step on their feet.
-My girlfriend doesn't have foot fetishes, she has clown shoe fetishes.
-Just cause my nose is red, doesn't mean I'm a boozer. I'm a boozer cause my best friend is Johnny Walker.
-It's not really funny unless a clown says it's funny. And yes, your grandmother getting run over yesterday by a pack of angry, screaming midgets was definitely funny.-The Ghost Town Clown
-Jarod Kintz
-I am the Donald Trump of my ghost town, in that I am the richest man in the city. Except there are no skyscrapers, and I'm the only man who lives there, but that's besides the point.
-Some people use coke for pleasure. I pleasure some people for coke.
-The only time it's not appropriate to laugh at a clown, is when you break in on him in the shower and first see the size of his "no-no place"-the Ghost Town Clown
-Jarod Kintz
-Clowns don't fall in love; Love is for the little girls. I can't help it if they fall for me.
-Clowns don't get angry and blow up. Bombs do that. The bombs I rig to explode when you start your car.
-Bigfoot's not a mythical creature. What, you never seen a man with large shoes camp before?
-Jarod Kintz
"I'm half clown, half cowboy. My mother was the cowboy."-the ghost town clown
-Jarod Kintz
"If strong stenches were laughter, my wife's snatch would be the world's funniest joke."--the ghost town clown
-Jarod Kintz
"A clown is a concept, not a man. You shouldn't fear the clown, you should fear the man behind the clown."--the ghost town clown
-Jarod Kintz
"The idea of a clown farm is absurd. If people started growing clowns, and genetically enhancing then to be taller, have larger feet, and be funnier, they'd dominate society. And I don't think the American public is ready to have a clown as President. Wait, too late. There already has been one of the bggest clowns ever as president. You all know who I'm talking about. Abe Lincoln. That clown was like 6'4"."--the ghost town clown
-Jarod Kintz
"I'd like to meet a clown named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, laugh at him and leave."--the ghost town clown
-Jarod Kintz
"I am curently learning how to ride the unicycle, and juggle three pistils and both of my girlfriends."--the ghost town clown
-Jarod Kintz
I like watching silent films on full volume and then screaming into phone if anybody calls.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm a musical connesour. Mostly I listen to air guitar solos played by people with no fingers and lipsung by deaf men with no lips.
"Growing up I didn't play cowboys and Indians, I played cowboys and clowns. Of course the cowboys always one. They'd shoot me, and I threw pies."--The Ghost Town Clown
-Jarod Kintz
"Clowns aren't socially accepted in today's society. How come the only parties I ever get invited to are for five-year-olds?"--The Ghost Town Clown
"Everybody looks to the clown to make them laugh, but who are clowns supposed to look to to make us laugh? Well I'll tell you who makes me laugh--your girlfriend, as she's tickling my balls."--The Ghost Town Clown
"I aint ever seen a clown run for office. Yet we pay taxes. Are we good enough to have our money taken, yet not good enough to ever be mayor?"--The Ghost Town Clown
-Jarod Kintz
"Did you know that I am curently learning how to ride the unicycle, and juggle three pistils and both of my girlfriends at the same time? But I'm afraid I'll drop one. Those pistols are valuable to me."--The Ghost Town Clown
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Mr. Jimmy Dean,
Mmmm, I love sausages! In fact, I love sausages almost as much as I love sodomy. Mmmmm, sausages and sodomy--what a tasty combination. Hey, that's a good idea. How about I'll let you take the slogan, "sausages and sodomy: the only reason to get up (no pun intended) in the morning," to use in a new ad campaign that targets adolescent males (you've got to get them hooked early), if you give me a lifetime supply of Jimmy's thick sausages. And I'll secure the sodomy part myself. Let me know what you think.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Cancer Society of America,
So many people make jokes about cancer, and I don't think they are funny. They all seem to lack punchlines. My Grandpa died of cancer, and the sad thing is the cancer still lives on. My Grandma turns 80 tomorrow. Well, good luck with the cure!
Best,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Nike,
It has just come to my attention that you make shoes. It might have come to my attention earlier if I wore shoes. But I only wear gloves, because I was born with feet for hands. So when I meet new people I don't shake their hand, I just sort of tickle their feet. But I am interested in getting into marathons, and I was wondering if you could design a special glove for me that had air on the bottom, because my handfeet get so blistered and sore. Also, since you guys are the kings of sports, if I am playing soccer, can I pick the ball up with my handfeet and throw it without getting penalized? It would be like Pele meets Jordan meets Mark Train(people tell me I look just like him). I'd love it if we could meet. So many people to meet, and so many feet to greet (That's a little joke my mom tells me when I get depressed about my disability). I guess you could say I have the ultimate foot fettish. People are always obsessed with things that they don't have, right? Oh boy, if I had a wife for every hand I have, I'd be a Mormon. Anyways, it was good writing to you, and I look forward to hearing back from you.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Trojan,
I am writing to you today under great duress, because tomorrow is my twenty fourth birthday. This is good news, because while I haven't yet been with a woman, Mother keeps reassuring me, and telling me that the day is near. So I went to the store to buy some prophylactics, and I saw both regular and Magnum. But I was wondering if you carried extra small (I'd probably like my condoms like my jeans: baggy)? I need a response really quick, because I really don't want to resort to using saran wrap (mother needs it for the casserole). I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Amercrombie,
I think that it would be a a sharp marketing move to change your mascot from a moose to a fish. Fish sell. I know because I work in a seafood market. Not only that, but a moose has negative connotations associated with it. When I think of a moose, I think of child pornography. Maybe that's just because my neighbor loved moose, as well as little boys (he didn't like me because I am morbidly obese). So I hope you take the time to consider my suggestion, and consider the merits of fish.
Thanks,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Wringling Brothers,
The circus has always been like a secomd home to me, even though I have no first home. That's right, I'm homeless. And living in the streets has allowed for some unique ways to pass the time. Out of extreme hunger I have learned how to swallow my arm up to my elbow, bunch up my fist, and fool my stomach into thinking it's full. I usually sleep like this, but sometimes my arm goes numb and I have to pull it out. That's where you come in. Recently I told my friend that I wanted to join the circus, and s/he (I think the technical term is hermaphrodite) laughed at me. But I am willing to swallow my pride, as well as my arm, on a nightly basis in return for a warm meal and a chance to see the world. I currently have no address to reply to, so I'm going to assume yo accept my offer and I'll just show up at your tent.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Napa Auto Parts,
So I just got off the phone with The Home Depot, and they are going to help me build a stand alone garage outside of my house that's in the shape of a giant car. And now I've got to build a custom car looks like a garage to park it in. So do you guys have the necessary parts to do that, or would you have to custom fabricate them? Also, do you sell giant bumpers that I can attach to my new garage? And do you know if I have to have a valid license to drive a garage? What about if I just park it? Also, do I need proof of insurance on my garage, since it will look like a car? Any helpful information you could give me would be most helpful.
Thank you,
Jarod KIntz
(corrected version)
Dear Napa Auto Parts,
So I just got off the phone with The Home Depot, and they are going to help me build a stand alone garage outside of my house that's in the shape of a giant car. And now I've got to build a custom car looks like a garage to park in it. So do you guys have the necessary parts to do that, or would you have to custom fabricate them? Also, do you sell giant bumpers that I can attach to my new garage? And do you know if I have to have a valid license to drive a garage? What about if I just park it? Also, do I need proof of insurance on my garage, since it will look like a car? Any helpful information you could give me would be most helpful.
Thank you,
Jarod KIntz
Dear Makestickers.com,
I am the proud owner of a bumper sticker, but I don't know how to use it. It didn't come with a bumper, and I was wondering if you could tell me where I might be able to buy a bumper?
Thanks,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Yellowstone National Park,
I have always loved camping ever since I was 8, and forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping. In fact, in the spirit of my dad, I will be enlightening my neighbor to the joys of camping (currently he's hog tied in my basement). Anyways, I just wanted to make sure that you to take as good of care of him as you did of me all those years ago.
Your Fellow Camper,
Jarod Kintz
Dear McDonalds,
Yesterday, while eating a cheesburger, I bit into something funny. When I looked down I saw that along with the cheesburger, there was the tip of someone's finger. Then I noticed that I myself was missing the tip of my finger, and I was bleading quite profusely. My appetite was momentarily spoiled, so I returned my cheesburger for a full refund. But in my carelessness, I accidentally returned the tip of my finger as well. I was wondering how to go about getting that missing piece from my life known as my fingertip, since I need it really badly (how else am I supposed to get way in the back of my nose when picking it?). I'm not pointing my finger at you, because this is entirely my fault. I would just like it back. I look forward to hearig from you.
Yours Truly,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Victoria's Secret,
I understand that you make sexy underwear and bras. Is this true? If so, I have some ideas I'd like to share with you. Have you ever thought about making bras out of recycled cans? They wouldn't be as cumfy for sure, but they'd definitely be more environmentally friendly. And as we all know, boobies are the most environmentally friendly thing known to man. Also, have you ever thought about expanding into the hat industry? You could make hats out of panties, for all us guys who like to wear our girlfriend's panties on our heads. These are just a few of the ideas I have. we can arrange a meeting to discuss the others. I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Gatorade,
I understand that you were created at the University of Florida. That's crazy because I'm a UF drop out. Well, I actually transfered to FSU (bad move I know), but I plan on going back to graduate. So I guess my question for you is, if all the oceans in the world were filled with Gatorade, and not seawater, do you think more homeless people would sleep on the beach? And then by consuming all the free Gatorade, would we have a new breed of athlete? I just can't imagine how bad a homeless locker room would smell after a sweaty game. I hope you take the time to carefully consider my question and get back to me.
Thanks,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Fruit Of The Loom,
I have a question for you that concerns the nutritional value in undergarments. How many homeless people could survive a week by eating a package of your underwear? My guess is four, but my buddy Mr. Fizzlebush thinks seven can survive. Which of us is right? And what kind of fruit is your underwear made out of. To me it tastes like apples, but Mr. Fizzlebush thinks they taste like raisins. Again, which of us is correct? I hope to hear back from you soon.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Snapple,
How do I get to be on your commercials? I'm a huge fan of Snapple, especially your bottles. I like how your lids go clickity click click click when I push it in really fast with my thumb. Oh yeah, and it tastes swell too. Well, I've said some pretty nice things about you, now it's your turn to say some pretty nice things about me.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Delta,
I've always been fond of the great blue yonder. And I like riding on your planes, but everytime I fly I seem to end up next to an obese woman who smells like three-day- old bacon grease. And that always makes me very hungry, but all you guys ever seem to serve is peanuts. Maybe peanuts work for the elephant who always sits next to me, but I need more. Also, these obese people leave me very little room to put my arms, so I end up just putting them in my pants. So do you think you could start a new anti-obesity policy? I know that sounds incensitive, and fat people need to fly too, but there's always room in the cargo hold, right? Anyways, it was just a thought. Please get back to me without any delays (a little airplane humor for you). I look forward to hearing from you and upcoming flights that are obesity-free.
Thank You,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Pizza Hut,
Your pepparoni makes my feet itch. Is this a natural reaction? I also think you need to chop up your sausages smaller, because they tend to get lodged in my nose. And why is it that there are only delivery boys? Why don't you start sending out hot women wearing nothing but pepparonis over their nipples, and a slice of pizza over their no-no place? You might see more pizza sales. Just a thought. I look forward to hearing back from you on this.
Thanks,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Holiday Inn,
Summer is coming up, and that means travel is going to be up also. In considering the hotel industry, a problem ocured to me. People have to come to you. Why don't you go to the people? Or, more specifically, with the people. Yes, I'm talking about a portable hotel. I don't know how you would do this, but you guys aren't keeping up with the times. Computer chips keep getting smaller and smaller, yet your rooms are still in the twentieth century. If you could make your rooms the size of a penny, people could start vacationing in their own sofa cushions. A whole new travel industry would be born. I hope you guys take this thought seriously, and I look forward to staying in a hotel room in my pocket.
Sleep well,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Super Wal-Mart,
You never cease to amaze me. Sometimes when I'm in your store I can't stop myself from drooling all over your floor in awe. I am a huge comic book buff, and I think you should come out with a super hero character. Super Wal-Mart Man. He'll be larger than life, and weigh almost 300 pounds, like your average customer. He'll also come from a trailer park, like most of your employees. Super Wal Mart Man might not save the day, but he'll sure save a few bucks with coupons and discount shopping. If you need an illustrator, I know how to sketch a bit. Let me know what you think.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Fed Ex,
You know that phrase, "You've got to start somewhere, might as well start in the mailroom and work your way up?" Yeah, well that might apply in your company, but since you guys are so big now, and have so many customers, it doesn't apply in the job I want. They don't have a mailroom. Oh, I'm so confused! If there is no mailroom, no bottom, then there's only a middle and a top. And I can't start in the middle of a company. That's like running a marathon and starting on mile eight--I'd get disqualified. So I guess I'm asking your advice with how to proceed with my career. Confucious never said, "A journey of a thousand miles starts with the 5,000th step." Please respond quickly, I am in desperate need of your council.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
"If you don't die laughing, we'll kill you."--The Ghost Town Clown
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Uncle Sam,
Are you really my uncle, because I don't remember voting for you. Not that I voted for my alcoholic Uncle Lenny either, but at least he doesn't sodomize me as hard as you do with your stupidity. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "He doesn't know what I'm thinking." Right? And now I have you scared. And I also know what you're thinking now, but I am NOT a democrat. Neither am I a republican. I'm a revolutionist. I am in favor of a healthy government upheaval. And I know that some of the bravest and most intellectual Americans in the history of this country would agree with me that we need a revolution. Men like Warren Buffet, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Voltaire. I know you're thinking, "What! One of the men on that list isn't even American!" To that I say, How dare you call George Washingtron unAmerican. You have strayed so far away from his vision of this country that if he were sitting right here on my bed with me, he'd be the first to pick up my floppy dildo and lead the assault on the Whitehouse himself. Your time of tyrrany is almost up.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
P.S. Do you think you could send me some souvenirs from the Whitehouse? Anything will please me, I'm not really picky. Maybe you could send me all the "W" keys off every keyboard? That would be great.
Dear Guinness,
This is my third attempt to qualify for a World Record. I have a unique talent that might be record breaking. Some people, circus people, swallow swords. I don't sewallow swords, I shit spoons. And the crazy thing is, I only eat forks. I'm a human silverware factory. So my proposal is to declare myself the most portable and low overhead factory since the Industrial Revolution. I know that those damned Victorian Brits would have loved to showcase me in a display in a glass house. So there it is. If that is not record worthy, I don't know what is. Also, what's the world record for the most rejected Guinness proposals? I look forward to hearing from you.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
(corrected version)
Dear Nike,
It has just come to my attention that you make shoes. It might have come to my attention earlier if I wore shoes. But I only wear gloves, because I was born with hands for feet. So when I meet new people I don't shake their hand, I just sort of tickle their feet. But I am interested in getting into marathons, and I was wondering if you could design a special glove for me that had air on the bottom, because my handfeet get so blistered and sore. Also, since you guys are the kings of sports, if I am playing soccer, can I pick the ball up with my handfeet and throw it without getting penalized? It would be like Pele meets Jordan meets Mark Train(people tell me I look just like him). I'd love it if we could meet. So many people to meet, and so many feet to greet (That's a little joke my mom tells me when I get depressed about my disability). I guess you could say I have the ultimate foot fettish. People are always obsessed with things that they don't have, right? Oh boy, if I had a wife for every hand I have, I'd be a Mormon. Anyways, it was good writing to you, and I look forward to hearing back from you.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
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