tragic picture. You know they say you die in mid air from a heart attack, and not from the impact. I had an Uncle who fell out of his kitchen cabinet and died only inches from the ground. Too bad too. He owed me money. J.O.K. (Orafoura)
This office building reminds me of where I work. What the reader dosen't know is that on the inside of that door it reads "MENS RESTROOM". Hey, us ladies have to get ahead somehow.
Definitely draw the inside of the building and copy and paste it as a second frame next to the original. That would be really good. Us girls have to stick together! Men are lame.
There was a time in my life when I was so depressed you could have poured syrup on me and eaten me like a pancake. But that was then and this is five minutres from then, and now I look more like a waffle now. -Jarod Kintz
I once made a bong out of a shoe. Those were the good ol' days. I now have moved onto using old sports equipment, do you know where I can find some, preferably still sweaty?
Belinda, I also used to race slugs, before I hurt my knee that is. Now I just coach. But I have been known to spike my competition's Gatorade with salt. as far as sports equipment, I can hook you up with a used chess board. Is chess a sport? It always makes my armpits sweat with fear. I used to play pro chess. I quit after my Rook year. -Jarod Kintz
I searched for Bobby Fischer. I found him. He was hiding in an Australian castle with the King. He asked me if I had the money. I said what money? He said the check, Mate. -Jarod Kintz
What a weird coincidence, I used to mate with Bobby Fisher. But sadly he turned out to be a Queen. I believe that chess is a sport, unbeknown to most, like unicycling. One on the wheel is the real deal, don't you think?
Belinda, Yes I used to be into unicycling. But I don't watch much porn anymore. Now I only "ride" if there is another wheel. And I keep it safe, I always wear my helmet. Would you like to go on a bumpy ride with me?
I am not up to as much as I used to be, what with the loss of my legs in the Great Trombone Accident of 84' and all, but as long as the helmet is shiny and I can sit in the side cart, you do have a side cart don't you?
Belinda, Side cart? What kind of fetish is that? I'm not into midget sex. You should talk to Renaldo for that. My helmet is shiny and lubricated. -Jarod Kintz
Belinda, Yes I used to be into unicycling. But I don't watch much porn anymore. Now I only "ride" if there is another wheel. And I keep it safe, I always wear my helmet. Would you like to go on a bumpy ride with me? -Jarod Kintz
I just bought a new home with the financing genius of Jarod Kintz. Although it's a real shitbox, the festering stench has quite grown on me. Plus, I didn't pay shit for it. -Maurice Mcfeces
He had eyes llike a pillow in the night, black and puffy. He had eyes like hot grease, brown and shimmering in the light. She had breasts like two basketballs, deflated in the winter. He had eyes like desert clay, cracked in the sun. he had patriotic eyes, deep blue set off by fireworks of red veins in a sky of white. But he was a man of no country, and even less political loyalty. He was a man who stood for nothing, even when he sat down. He was a lawyer. He had eyes like a watermelon, deep green with seeds for pupils. But he was no fruit. -Jarod Kintz
He had eyes like an asshole, red and wrinkled. He had eyes like a tombstone, cold and gray. He had a face like a burnt forest, and eyes as brown as a bear. She had a face as flat and broad as a windshield, and when she cried I wanted to turn on the wipers, but I just handed her a tissue. She had eyes like yesterday, forgettable. She had lips like desert clay cracked in the sun. And as the snot streamed out from her nose it almost created a mudslide, but she deftly licked it off. -Jarod Kintz
Sometimes, when I'm afraid, I realize it's ust my imagination. So I like to make the fear real by giving it a face and drawing it, so I can see it and defeat it by stabbing it. But I need to buy some paper and stop drawing on my girlfriends. Sooner or later they are going to find the bodies. And this makes me afraid... -Jarod Kintz
Money is the only God that multiplies and becomes more powerful the more you tithe. Of course, money can't save your sins,it can only save yourself. Money is a selfish God. -Jarod Kintz
I don't fear death any more than I fear a plate of spaggetti. And right now I feel both in the depths of my stomach. Wait, that's not death, that's just gas. -Jarod Kintz
Someone once asked Orafoura if he'd rather have a fast death, a slow death, or a bowl of pasta. He responded, "Are they all free?" To which he was told no, they are not all free. He then replied, "Give me the slow death, it is the best value for my money." Then the questioner tried to correct his ambiguity saying that the deaths were free, but the pasta wasn't. Orafoura then responded, "That makes the slow death an even greater value still." -Jarod Kintz
Marriage is a business. The women are the owners and the men are the customers. The owners always profit, and the customer always thinks they are right. -Jarod Kintz
Who knows what the future holds? The wise man in the bar says it holds a beer. I think the future might also hold liver failer for him too. -Jarod Kintz
No man knows what the future holds except for me. My future holds my penis while I piss on my past as I hold a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, because I can't live in my past after I've pissed all over it. -Jarod Kintz
Marriage is like a house, and sex is the glue and love is the nails. Both serve to hold a marriage together, but it is trust which acts like a window to illuminate, and keep things fresh and open which really keeps the marriage going through all seasons. -Jarod Kintz
My father was such a bastard that when he died we didn't buy him a headstone, we put in a toilet instead. Also, at the service, I chugged a bottle of x-lax. -Jarod Kintz
I'm trying to eat healthy, only eating things that come from the earth. But I still love my meat, so I found this cemetary near my house... -Jarod Kintz
I've only one really hard decision to make in my life, and it happened to involve pregnancy. Fortunately, me and the girl involved made the right decision and I came out healthy. -Jarod Kintz
Is buying on credit like suicide or homicide? Both. With homicide you are not saving a life, you are expending, and with suicide you are taking something more valuable than you can afford to take. -Jarod Kintz
Divide up everyone you know into either friends or enemies, and then further divide up your enemies into eight easy parts to either burn or bury. -Jarod Kintz
Before a man commits suicide he needs to ask himself three very important questions. 1) Do I know how much bullets cost? 2) Is there any place/person this bulet would be better spent? And finally, 3)Did I delete all the porn off my hard drive? -Jarod Kintz
The penis is a relatively little thing (especially in my case) that causes really big trouble. But it's this big trouble that keeps the world going through the generations. The world would be a painfully empty place if the penis were a really big thing that caused little trouble. -Jarod Kintz
Man has done some crazy things in the name of religion. Ryan Withelsby once stacked seventeen bar stools on top of each other before clubbing the bartender to death with a rubber chicken after a heated debate about religion and the width of Julia Roberts' mouth. -Jarod Kintz
Friends can be real motivators for you, especially when you hang out with people who collect midieval torture devices, military arsenal, and Judy Garland memorabilia. -Jarod Kintz
Baby, if I had you alone I'd sing to you in sign language as I'd gently strum my acoustic air guitar. I'd pick a dozen white roses with my bloody toes, and since you are allergic to peanuts, I'd smear your face in a subtle mixture of peanut butter and semen. I'd walk to the ends of the Earth for you, provided I could do it from my couch. I'd build a castle for you out of love, sand and human body parts. -Jarod Kintz
I'd like to build the world's tallest building on top of the world's smallest man. He's be mixed up in the concrete foundation, of course. -Jarod Kintz
She stole the words out of my mouth, and I stole them from my boss' daughter along with her computer and her virginity. Daddy don't be md at me. -Jarod Kintz
I like to think of my penis as an employee of mine. If he does all the thinking, I have to pay him, and he usually likes to be paid in singles, for the strip clubs. But the day he stops working is the day I stop paying for him, and can spend all those dollars somewhere more productive, like bottles of Viagra. -Jarod Kintz
I like to think of my penis as en employee of mine that I don't pay, tries to do all my thinking, and steals resources from the company (blood), so there is none left for research and development. Oh, and he drools when he talks to women, which is almost as disturbing as the fact that he is always flexing for them. -Jarod Kitz
I thought I saw Mr. Boo in Minnesota. It was either there or Memphis, I get confused. Either way, weren't you hiding in a cave despensing financial wisdom to the masses through a secret code written in sanskrit that you graffitied on public urinals? I deciphered the code, but missed the bulk of your lecture. I did manage to make some money that day. I found a quarter on the ground, flipped it and got heads. So i flipped it again for a total of two flips and fifty cents. So you taught me how to make 100 percent in just under ten seconds. Thanks, Mr. Boo!!! -Jarod Kintz
I don't like being single. When I think single, I think cheese. Those little slices. Then I think grilled cheese sandwiches. Then I think, Man, I'm fried. Then I think chicken and I remember I have the munchies. Hey, that'd make a great TV show. Hey, Hey, We're The Munchies...Mun-Cheese. Damn, I'm still single. -Jarod Kintz
Why can't they make porn in a pill , for men? It'd be like an anti-Viagra to keep guys limp and focused on life. Like the feeling you get right after you jack off. -Jarod Kintz
What is love? Is love something you can see, touch and tastelike a pair of round boobies dispensing milk to the thirsty? Yes, love is a pair of perfect boobies. -Jarod Kintz
in life, you have to go after love. love is a breast that hasn't touched my life, I've touched it, only to be punched by the fists of fate known as her boyfriend. -Jarod Kintz
We had a romantic night, a candle lit dinner in a cave when I told her I was caaveman.She couldn't accept this reality, or the fact that i didn't have indoor plumbing or central heating, and she left me for some hairless yuppy with a sportscar and two ulcers. -Jarod Kintz
People always ask me how I make a joke? I always respond, how does one make love? It all starts with a penis. The best sex, the best jokes all have a penis in them. But you just can't stuff it in there, you have to ease it in there. Get the listener all lubed up, so when the punchline hits it's like a suprise cumshot to the face, and all they can do is smile for the camera. -Jarod Kintz
Our Grandpa never farted in our presence, unless that was what we asked for for Christmas, and we always did. He blew the most marvelous ass you'd ever want to sniff. -Jarod Kintz
When Snoop Dogg is like 84 and senile, people will probably say, "Damn, I've got to go walk my dogg, yesterday he shit all over the carpet." -Jarod Kintz
I keep losing friends to my disorginization. And in all of the confusion I keep mixing them up with concrete and forgetting who's at the bottom of which lake. -Jarod Kintz
If I lived in the jungles of South America, and wore only a loin cloth, you probably wouldn't be able to get ahold of me because I'd have no pockets to hold my phone in. But if you somehow did manage to track me down, watch out you don't startle me, because I might shoot you with my poisenous blow gun. -Jarod Kintz
If I could be in two places at once, I would throw both a party and an anti-party, where we would talk trash about the people at the party. Then I'd invite my other self over to the anti-party, with everyone from the party, and we'd slaughter everyone there for talking bad about us. Then we'd consume double the booze, as we'd try not to get blood on our slippers (yes, everyone at the party is wearing bright, fuzzy slippers). -Jarod Kintz
I love sitting around campfires and talking about my youth, and all the camps I went to, and fires I started, and how all the little children looked as they ran, screaming, as their flesh was on fire. I can almost smell it now. Boy, I sure could go for some burnt hot dogs at this very moment. -Jarod Kintz
If mouths were fists, a lot of comedians would try to make you laugh by hitting you in the face. And it might be funny, if you didn't see it coming first. -Jarod Kintz
I thought I saw the Mythical Mr. Boo out near Topeka (kansas, I think) two summers ago, and he was in some deep thought in the middle of the road. I nearly ran him over, so I backed up to try again, but he was gone. And where he was sitting in the instant before there was now a piece of paper. When I got out of my truck to look at it I saw that it was a personalized check made out to me for enough money to last me until next Tuesday. I don't know where he is at this moment, but I know that this month's rent is already on its way courteousy of The Mythical Mr. Boo. So I tried to kill him, and he keeps me living. Gee Thanks, Mr. Boo! -Jarod Kintz
I just got to know and love Amy's (my ex girlfriend) dog, and she'd come jump in the bed while we were snuggling and she'd drool all over me. I hated being drooled all over. I think it may have been the driving factor for me breaking up with Amy. -Jarod Kintz
A lot of people like to count sheep to help them fall asleep. I don't, I count shephards. It makes me have to fall asleep faster because with shephards I can't count higher than two, unless I count former shephards. But even then it's still only three. -Jarod Kintz
I hate taking vitamins. They taste so nasty I almost throw up every night. I want to switch to Flintstone vitamins. They're so good you can just chew them up. But then a thought occured to me. I wouldn't be suprised to see a kid come on TV in a decaxde or so and say something like, "I used to take Flintstone vitamins every day. I haven't gotten a cold in over a decase, but now I have diabetes." -Jarod Kintz
If I were to start a revolution, I wouldn't use men for soldiers, I'd use pandas. Because who wants to shoot a panda? And while the government officials were oogling over the pandas, the pandas would gun them all down. -Jarod Kintz
It's a shame that poor peole have no money to eat, but then again, a dollar really doesn't fill you up that much anyway. Although I've never eaten a roll of nickels. That might work, if you have no teeth and can just swallow them like poor people can. -Jarod Kintz
There are so many homeless people in the world, and almost nowhere to put them, that most people put them down. I won't ever put one down, but I certainly won't put one up for the night either. they might give my cats flees, and I could no longer orally groom my cats then. -Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend is a really great money manager. She treats every dollar like an employee that she outsources all over the city, and she always has their best interest in mind, even if it's 18%. -Jarod Kintz
The spectrum that seperates the rich from the poor is about as wide as a doublewide trailer, plus as much empty highway as humanly possible between it and the country club. -Jarod Kintz
Growing up I was so poor I had to share gloves and shoes with my older brother. And he only had one leg, so I only got to wear the left shoe. But that's ok, I got to wear both gloves. -Jarod Kintz
Isaac Newton is my hero. During his time, people opened doors for him. But he opened the door for all time so that the world might step out into enlightenment. -Jarod Kintz
I want to stand at the edge of the universe, wearing next to nothing, standing next to nothing, and thinking about nothing. This would be both heaven and hell to me. Or it could be just nothing. -Jarod Kintz
I wish I could sell anger by the ounce. Then when people would try to buy some of my anger I would remain silent and ignore them before flatly refusing to sell to assholes. If, and when they blew up at me, I'd say, "that'll be 14.95 please. try not to use it all at once next time." -Jarod Kintz
A janitor once told me, "love is a mop. Sometimes it's dirty, but it's only after it's gone that you fully realize how clean everything was because of it." I sat stunned for a second before spitting on his freshly mopped floor and said, "clean that, Cupid." He did, and I think he appreciated my concise love analogy. -Jarod Kintz
I don't tell many people this, but I used to wet the bed up until the time I was seventeen. And sometimes my mom would get so angry that she'd make me sleep on the couch. -Jarod Kintz
I don't tell many people this, but I used to wet the bed up until the time I was seventeen. And sometimes my mom would get so angry at being awoken that she'd roll over and tell me sleep on the couch. -Jarod Kintz
A year without love is like a week without water, unless you're a camel, then it's like a week without a dirty Arab kicking you in the sides as he saddles himself on your back. So I guess going without love can also be kind of a good thing. You might be able to further yourself without all the excess baggage and strain of a person always riding you. -Jarod Kintz
A year without love is like a week without water, unless you're a camel, then it's like a week without a dirty Arab kicking you in the sides as he saddles himself on your back. So I guess going without love can also be kind of a good thing. You might be able to further yourself without all the excess baggage and strain of a person always riding you. But what do I know, I'm not an Arab, nor a camel, I'm just a thirsty fool. -Jarod Kintz
A man ought to own two cars--one that his wife knows he has, and another for his mistress. Unless he has two mistresses, then he should have three mattresses, two cars and a van where he keeps both a mattress and a mistress. Oh, and some peanut M&Ms that his wife won't let him eat, and his other mistress is allergic to. -Jarod Kintz
If love were alcohol, I'd never get drunk because I wouldn't want to throw up on my girlfriend while we were cuddling. But I wouldn't even be dating her because I don't date lushes. -Jarod Kintz
I always thought my grandpa was really tough because he never cried until I learned that he had no tear ducts. But that didn't suprise me as much as the fact that he didn't have any children. -Jarod Kintz
I would rather live a life as a deaf man, than one who could hear all the sorrows of the world. And by sorrows of the world, I mean a wife's voice. -Jarod Kintz
If I was a deaf king and someone said something that angered me, I'd cut off their disrespectful fingers. Then I'd make the man count off, on his fingers, ten reasons why I shouldn't kill him. Then, just before the axe was about to fall on his head, I'd shout, "Stop! Let him live, for he will never pick another fight, nor nostril, not wedgie as long as he shall live, and that is justice." -Jarod Kintz
Everytime I feel that life is stepping on my toes I stop and think, Hey, it could be worse. At least I have feet, with toes to step on. Not like my grandpappy who had no feet and used to have to walk everywear bare-ankled with snow up to his, um, ankles. -Jarod Kintz
I hate fake plants. I hate fake people. But I'd rather have the former in my living room because at least it doesn't get mad when I piss on it. -Jarod Kintz
320 Comments:
Great for suicides
very funny
tragic picture. You know they say you die in mid air from a heart attack, and not from the impact. I had an Uncle who fell out of his kitchen cabinet and died only inches from the ground. Too bad too. He owed me money.
J.O.K. (Orafoura)
Ha. Clever. I like it.
reminds me of Gary Larson.
-Rob
Funny stuff, very Larson-Like.
Larry McNig
Sluck MY Balls !!!
McNig ?
This office building reminds me of where I work. What the reader dosen't know is that on the inside of that door it reads "MENS RESTROOM". Hey, us ladies have to get ahead somehow.
Veta
Veta,
You are very funny. Maybe you could draw that image and email it to me. I love that idea.
~Jarod
Jarod,
I have learned from the best. Mabye I will.
Veta
Darth Veta,
Definitely draw the inside of the building and copy and paste it as a second frame next to the original. That would be really good. Us girls have to stick together! Men are lame.
Yes you are right, men are lame, pretentious, arrogant and insensitive. But without them who would we make fun of?
This comic IS very Gary Larson-like.
This is an awesome comic! Very funny and clever. It is definetly Larson-Like.
Josh
Great comic I wish my wife would work at this office, but my wife dosen't work, she shops.
David Beckham
I love the part when he got the lolli
There was a time in my life when I was so depressed you could have poured syrup on me and eaten me like a pancake. But that was then and this is five minutres from then, and now I look more like a waffle now.
-Jarod Kintz
People are now making bongs out of shoes. And their laced with cocaine.
-Jarod Kintz
Eating a meal at McDonalds is like your boyfriend. Full of shit.
I think that television shows these days are so unrealistic and full of fantasy. So I am creating a new show: Perplexed in the city.
I only have one piece of advice... Never stand between mating gorillas!! There I said it! Don't say I didn't warn you!!!!
I once made a bong out of a shoe. Those were the good ol' days. I now have moved onto using old sports equipment, do you know where I can find some, preferably still sweaty?
Belinda the Slug Racing Groupie
Belinda,
I also used to race slugs, before I hurt my knee that is. Now I just coach. But I have been known to spike my competition's Gatorade with salt. as far as sports equipment, I can hook you up with a used chess board. Is chess a sport? It always makes my armpits sweat with fear. I used to play pro chess. I quit after my Rook year.
-Jarod Kintz
I searched for Bobby Fischer. I found him. He was hiding in an Australian castle with the King. He asked me if I had the money. I said what money? He said the check, Mate.
-Jarod Kintz
What a weird coincidence, I used to mate with Bobby Fisher. But sadly he turned out to be a Queen. I believe that chess is a sport, unbeknown to most, like unicycling. One on the wheel is the real deal, don't you think?
Belinda
Belinda,
Yes I used to be into unicycling. But I don't watch much porn anymore. Now I only "ride" if there is another wheel. And I keep it safe, I always wear my helmet. Would you like to go on a bumpy ride with me?
I am not up to as much as I used to be, what with the loss of my legs in the Great Trombone Accident of 84' and all, but as long as the helmet is shiny and I can sit in the side cart, you do have a side cart don't you?
Belinda
Belinda,
Side cart? What kind of fetish is that? I'm not into midget sex. You should talk to Renaldo for that. My helmet is shiny and lubricated.
-Jarod Kintz
Belinda,
Yes I used to be into unicycling. But I don't watch much porn anymore. Now I only "ride" if there is another wheel. And I keep it safe, I always wear my helmet. Would you like to go on a bumpy ride with me?
-Jarod Kintz
I just bought a new home with the financing genius of Jarod Kintz. Although it's a real shitbox, the festering stench has quite grown on me. Plus, I didn't pay shit for it.
-Maurice Mcfeces
Change is something you should strive to achieve. It's unhygenic to wear the same boxers for several days in a row.
-Jarod Kintz
He had eyes llike a pillow in the night, black and puffy. He had eyes like hot grease, brown and shimmering in the light. She had breasts like two basketballs, deflated in the winter. He had eyes like desert clay, cracked in the sun. he had patriotic eyes, deep blue set off by fireworks of red veins in a sky of white. But he was a man of no country, and even less political loyalty. He was a man who stood for nothing, even when he sat down. He was a lawyer. He had eyes like a watermelon, deep green with seeds for pupils. But he was no fruit.
-Jarod Kintz
Fear and sex are not unrelated. They both have characteristic odors, and both are greatly enhanced by the imagination.
-Jarod Kintz
When money talks, don't interrupt.
-Jarod Kintz
He had eyes like an asshole, red and wrinkled. He had eyes like a tombstone, cold and gray. He had a face like a burnt forest, and eyes as brown as a bear. She had a face as flat and broad as a windshield, and when she cried I wanted to turn on the wipers, but I just handed her a tissue. She had eyes like yesterday, forgettable. She had lips like desert clay cracked in the sun. And as the snot streamed out from her nose it almost created a mudslide, but she deftly licked it off.
-Jarod Kintz
Fear is healthy. I wish it came in a pill. I'd bottle it up and sell it to little children and the elderly.
-Jarod Kintz
Sometimes, when I'm afraid, I realize it's ust my imagination. So I like to make the fear real by giving it a face and drawing it, so I can see it and defeat it by stabbing it. But I need to buy some paper and stop drawing on my girlfriends. Sooner or later they are going to find the bodies. And this makes me afraid...
-Jarod Kintz
Mullets I'd like to fuck.
-Jarod Kintz
If being a bad ass were a full time job, I'd be unemployed.
-Jarod Kintz
If I had five fingers growing out of my cheek, every time I got slapped by a girl I'd yell, "high five!"
-Jarod Kintz
I love friends with benefite. Except for Uncle Sam. Why do I always have to be on the bottom with him?
-Jarod Kintz
If fear is stemmed from ignorance, Americans must fear money.
-Jarod Kintz
Money is the only God that multiplies and becomes more powerful the more you tithe. Of course, money can't save your sins,it can only save yourself. Money is a selfish God.
-Jarod Kintz
The stench of death fears no deoderant.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to wrestle with my fears, but usually my grandparents whoop my ass.
-Jarod Kintz
If you're looking to take a long, beautiful drive through life, you might not want to take the cynic view.
-Jarod KIntz
As a matter of principal, never have sex for your own interest.
-Jarod Kintz
Never pay for sex with food stamps you don't have.
-Jarod Kintz
I haven't had a conversation with a dentist who hasn't either drilled me or put me to sleep.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't fear death any more than I fear a plate of spaggetti. And right now I feel both in the depths of my stomach. Wait, that's not death, that's just gas.
-Jarod Kintz
Someone once asked Orafoura if he'd rather have a fast death, a slow death, or a bowl of pasta. He responded, "Are they all free?" To which he was told no, they are not all free. He then replied, "Give me the slow death, it is the best value for my money." Then the questioner tried to correct his ambiguity saying that the deaths were free, but the pasta wasn't. Orafoura then responded, "That makes the slow death an even greater value still."
-Jarod Kintz
I got mugged yesterday. I had a skinny wallet and a fat lip.
-Jarod Kintz
Marriage is a business. The women are the owners and the men are the customers. The owners always profit, and the customer always thinks they are right.
-Jarod Kintz
Show me a foolish man and I'll tell you to stop pointing at me.
-Jarod Kintz
I placed him on a pedestal so he had a greater distance to fall when I knocked him down.
-Jarod Kintz
Who knows what the future holds? The wise man in the bar says it holds a beer. I think the future might also hold liver failer for him too.
-Jarod Kintz
No man knows what the future holds except for me. My future holds my penis while I piss on my past as I hold a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, because I can't live in my past after I've pissed all over it.
-Jarod Kintz
It's bad luck to walk under a laterally. Luck favors forward motion.
-Jarod Kintz
Luck is a myth like Bigfoot, only hairier and with less evidence.
-Jarod Kintz
Luck is a desease spread by the ignorant and treated by the foolish. The only cure is hard, smart work.
-Jarod Kintz
Marriage is like a house, and sex is the glue and love is the nails. Both serve to hold a marriage together, but it is trust which acts like a window to illuminate, and keep things fresh and open which really keeps the marriage going through all seasons.
-Jarod Kintz
My father was such a bastard that when he died we didn't buy him a headstone, we put in a toilet instead. Also, at the service, I chugged a bottle of x-lax.
-Jarod Kintz
Who understands women? I don't think many men would ever be able to get into the mind of a woman, and even fewer would be able to fit.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm trying to eat healthy, only eating things that come from the earth. But I still love my meat, so I found this cemetary near my house...
-Jarod Kintz
Friends make the best lovers. And dogs are man's best friend. Hey, what happens in Alaska, stays in Alaska.
-Jarod Kintz
My father must have owed me money as a baby, because I haven't seen him since.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm glad the killer skipped town, since we live in a pond and after three hops he drowned.
-Jarod Kintz
A small town can make a big impact growing up, especially when raised in the city.
-Jarod Kintz
I've only one really hard decision to make in my life, and it happened to involve pregnancy. Fortunately, me and the girl involved made the right decision and I came out healthy.
-Jarod Kintz
Is buying on credit like suicide or homicide? Both. With homicide you are not saving a life, you are expending, and with suicide you are taking something more valuable than you can afford to take.
-Jarod Kintz
Divide up everyone you know into either friends or enemies, and then further divide up your enemies into eight easy parts to either burn or bury.
-Jarod Kintz
Before a man commits suicide he needs to ask himself three very important questions. 1) Do I know how much bullets cost? 2) Is there any place/person this bulet would be better spent? And finally, 3)Did I delete all the porn off my hard drive?
-Jarod Kintz
The penis is a relatively little thing (especially in my case) that causes really big trouble. But it's this big trouble that keeps the world going through the generations. The world would be a painfully empty place if the penis were a really big thing that caused little trouble.
-Jarod Kintz
Man has done some crazy things in the name of religion. Ryan Withelsby once stacked seventeen bar stools on top of each other before clubbing the bartender to death with a rubber chicken after a heated debate about religion and the width of Julia Roberts' mouth.
-Jarod Kintz
In bed my girlfriend's a screamer, especially when I'm in the other room and she knows I can hear her.
-Jarod Kintz
Friends can be real motivators for you, especially when you hang out with people who collect midieval torture devices, military arsenal, and Judy Garland memorabilia.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend tells me I'm a romantic.She loves it. Flowers, candles, candy. After all, what 7-year-old doesn't like candy?
-Jarod Kintz
Was he a guilty alcoholic? He was past doubt, so I think so.
-Jarod Kintz
Baby, if I had you alone I'd sing to you in sign language as I'd gently strum my acoustic air guitar. I'd pick a dozen white roses with my bloody toes, and since you are allergic to peanuts, I'd smear your face in a subtle mixture of peanut butter and semen. I'd walk to the ends of the Earth for you, provided I could do it from my couch. I'd build a castle for you out of love, sand and human body parts.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to build the world's tallest building on top of the world's smallest man. He's be mixed up in the concrete foundation, of course.
-Jarod Kintz
If flowers grew out of my nose, I'd pick a thousand flowers for you and flick them on your grave.
-Jarod Kintz
There's a narrow percent of the population that doesn't widely believe anything.
-Jarod Kintz
There's no crime in a tee pee, there's no in-tent.
-Jarod Kintz
She stole the words out of my mouth, and I stole them from my boss' daughter along with her computer and her virginity. Daddy don't be md at me.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to think of my penis as an employee of mine. If he does all the thinking, I have to pay him, and he usually likes to be paid in singles, for the strip clubs. But the day he stops working is the day I stop paying for him, and can spend all those dollars somewhere more productive, like bottles of Viagra.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to think of my penis as en employee of mine that I don't pay, tries to do all my thinking, and steals resources from the company (blood), so there is none left for research and development. Oh, and he drools when he talks to women, which is almost as disturbing as the fact that he is always flexing for them.
-Jarod Kitz
I thought I saw Mr. Boo in Minnesota. It was either there or Memphis, I get confused. Either way, weren't you hiding in a cave despensing financial wisdom to the masses through a secret code written in sanskrit that you graffitied on public urinals? I deciphered the code, but missed the bulk of your lecture. I did manage to make some money that day. I found a quarter on the ground, flipped it and got heads. So i flipped it again for a total of two flips and fifty cents. So you taught me how to make 100 percent in just under ten seconds. Thanks, Mr. Boo!!!
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend likes Sex In The City. Trouble is, I live in the country.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't like being single. When I think single, I think cheese. Those little slices. Then I think grilled cheese sandwiches. Then I think, Man, I'm fried. Then I think chicken and I remember I have the munchies. Hey, that'd make a great TV show. Hey, Hey, We're The Munchies...Mun-Cheese. Damn, I'm still single.
-Jarod Kintz
What's better than a girl dressing sexy, is a girl undressing sexy. I, of course, am sexy.
-Jarod kintz
Even though I'm perfect, I still regret the mistakes other people make.
-Jarod Kintz
If flowers grew out of my nose, I'd pick a thousand and flick them on your grave.
-Jarod Kintz
Lots of people have sex on couches. Me too, just me with the couch.
-Jarod Kintz
I think you met my sex partner. You and I shook hands yesterday.
-Jarod Kintz
Your life is your penis. You wish it were longer and less wrinkled, or at least I do anyways.
-Jarod kintz
I love make-up sex. But sometimes real sex is good too.
-Jarod Kintz
My wife and i have great sex, just not with each other.
-Jarod Kintz
Why can't they make porn in a pill , for men? It'd be like an anti-Viagra to keep guys limp and focused on life. Like the feeling you get right after you jack off.
-Jarod Kintz
What is love? Is love something you can see, touch and tastelike a pair of round boobies dispensing milk to the thirsty? Yes, love is a pair of perfect boobies.
-Jarod Kintz
in life, you have to go after love. love is a breast that hasn't touched my life, I've touched it, only to be punched by the fists of fate known as her boyfriend.
-Jarod Kintz
We had a romantic night, a candle lit dinner in a cave when I told her I was caaveman.She couldn't accept this reality, or the fact that i didn't have indoor plumbing or central heating, and she left me for some hairless yuppy with a sportscar and two ulcers.
-Jarod Kintz
Last year my Father died of colon cancer. i remember him always talking out of his ass, but we never knew he was smoking out of it too.
-Jarod Kintz
People always ask me how I make a joke? I always respond, how does one make love? It all starts with a penis. The best sex, the best jokes all have a penis in them. But you just can't stuff it in there, you have to ease it in there. Get the listener all lubed up, so when the punchline hits it's like a suprise cumshot to the face, and all they can do is smile for the camera.
-Jarod Kintz
I like group sex, you get the best discounts.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex-girlfriend was always having sex behind my back, but I never turned around until the comercial breaks.
-Jarod Kintz
Sex is a tool, like a hammer, that is best utilized with your right hand.
-Jarod Kintz
When you hang out with heavu metal bands, you don't throw away friends, you recycle.
-Jarod Kintz
Our Grandpa never farted in our presence, unless that was what we asked for for Christmas, and we always did. He blew the most marvelous ass you'd ever want to sniff.
-Jarod Kintz
Is going to get a manicure like going to the dentist for a mute person?
-Jarod Kintz
If you are deaf, is it not polite to talk with your fingers full of food?
-Jarod Kintz
When Snoop Dogg is like 84 and senile, people will probably say, "Damn, I've got to go walk my dogg, yesterday he shit all over the carpet."
-Jarod Kintz
I keep losing friends to my disorginization. And in all of the confusion I keep mixing them up with concrete and forgetting who's at the bottom of which lake.
-Jarod Kintz
In my last relationship, if the words "I love you" were shoes, I'd have hundreds of pairs, but I'd be too broken to walk even one step.
-Jarod Kintz
If I lived in the jungles of South America, and wore only a loin cloth, you probably wouldn't be able to get ahold of me because I'd have no pockets to hold my phone in. But if you somehow did manage to track me down, watch out you don't startle me, because I might shoot you with my poisenous blow gun.
-Jarod Kintz
In my last relationship, if the words "I'm sorry" were shoes, I'd have hundreds of pairs, but I'd be too broken to walk even one step.
-Jarod Kintz
If laziness were a scorpion, my defeat would sting that much harder.
-Karod Kintz
If laziness were a scorpion, my defeat would sting that much harder.
-Karod Kintz
Did I just misspell my own name? What a sloppy bastard i am.
-Jarod
If I could be in two places at once, I would throw both a party and an anti-party, where we would talk trash about the people at the party. Then I'd invite my other self over to the anti-party, with everyone from the party, and we'd slaughter everyone there for talking bad about us. Then we'd consume double the booze, as we'd try not to get blood on our slippers (yes, everyone at the party is wearing bright, fuzzy slippers).
-Jarod Kintz
I love sitting around campfires and talking about my youth, and all the camps I went to, and fires I started, and how all the little children looked as they ran, screaming, as their flesh was on fire. I can almost smell it now. Boy, I sure could go for some burnt hot dogs at this very moment.
-Jarod Kintz
I broke up with my ex girlfriend because she had no sense of humor. Everytime I beat her up, I was only trying to make her laugh.
-Jarod Kintz
If mouths were fists, a lot of comedians would try to make you laugh by hitting you in the face. And it might be funny, if you didn't see it coming first.
-Jarod Kintz
I thought I saw the Mythical Mr. Boo out near Topeka (kansas, I think) two summers ago, and he was in some deep thought in the middle of the road. I nearly ran him over, so I backed up to try again, but he was gone. And where he was sitting in the instant before there was now a piece of paper. When I got out of my truck to look at it I saw that it was a personalized check made out to me for enough money to last me until next Tuesday. I don't know where he is at this moment, but I know that this month's rent is already on its way courteousy of The Mythical Mr. Boo. So I tried to kill him, and he keeps me living. Gee Thanks, Mr. Boo!
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend bought a new sex toy the other day, but we can't tell anybody because immigration doesn't know he's over here.
-Jarod Kintz
My last girlfriend was as dumb as a monkey. and the sex was terrifying because we'd do it in trees, and I'm afraid of heights.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd like to pen a novel on someone's body, but if the tattoo book turns out to be badly written, then I'd have to burn it.
-Jarod Kintz
I just got to know and love Amy's (my ex girlfriend) dog, and she'd come jump in the bed while we were snuggling and she'd drool all over me. I hated being drooled all over. I think it may have been the driving factor for me breaking up with Amy.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of people like to count sheep to help them fall asleep. I don't, I count shephards. It makes me have to fall asleep faster because with shephards I can't count higher than two, unless I count former shephards. But even then it's still only three.
-Jarod Kintz
God damn it if you're not the most mythical man I've never met, mr. boo.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate taking vitamins. They taste so nasty I almost throw up every night. I want to switch to Flintstone vitamins. They're so good you can just chew them up. But then a thought occured to me. I wouldn't be suprised to see a kid come on TV in a decaxde or so and say something like, "I used to take Flintstone vitamins every day. I haven't gotten a cold in over a decase, but now I have diabetes."
-Jarod Kintz
If I were to start a revolution, I wouldn't use men for soldiers, I'd use pandas. Because who wants to shoot a panda? And while the government officials were oogling over the pandas, the pandas would gun them all down.
-Jarod Kintz
Why did God give man only two hands? He should have given us a million because there are so many interesting people in the world to meet.
-Jarod Kintz
If I'm an honest, anti-socialist orphan, who believes in reincarnation, would I have to pay for my funeral in my next lifetime?
-Jarod Kintz
It's a shame that poor peole have no money to eat, but then again, a dollar really doesn't fill you up that much anyway. Although I've never eaten a roll of nickels. That might work, if you have no teeth and can just swallow them like poor people can.
-Jarod Kintz
There are so many homeless people in the world, and almost nowhere to put them, that most people put them down. I won't ever put one down, but I certainly won't put one up for the night either. they might give my cats flees, and I could no longer orally groom my cats then.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend is a really great money manager. She treats every dollar like an employee that she outsources all over the city, and she always has their best interest in mind, even if it's 18%.
-Jarod Kintz
I like all sorts of poor people, as long as they have a lot of money to blow.
-Jarod Kintz
The spectrum that seperates the rich from the poor is about as wide as a doublewide trailer, plus as much empty highway as humanly possible between it and the country club.
-Jarod Kintz
Growing up I was so poor I had to share gloves and shoes with my older brother. And he only had one leg, so I only got to wear the left shoe. But that's ok, I got to wear both gloves.
-Jarod Kintz
Isaac Newton is my hero. During his time, people opened doors for him. But he opened the door for all time so that the world might step out into enlightenment.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to stand at the edge of the universe, wearing next to nothing, standing next to nothing, and thinking about nothing. This would be both heaven and hell to me. Or it could be just nothing.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish I could sell anger by the ounce. Then when people would try to buy some of my anger I would remain silent and ignore them before flatly refusing to sell to assholes. If, and when they blew up at me, I'd say, "that'll be 14.95 please. try not to use it all at once next time."
-Jarod Kintz
A janitor once told me, "love is a mop. Sometimes it's dirty, but it's only after it's gone that you fully realize how clean everything was because of it." I sat stunned for a second before spitting on his freshly mopped floor and said, "clean that, Cupid." He did, and I think he appreciated my concise love analogy.
-Jarod Kintz
I found love yesterday, and I found it in my wallet. You can't have an empty heart when your wallet is full.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't tell many people this, but I used to wet the bed up until the time I was seventeen. And sometimes my mom would get so angry that she'd make me sleep on the couch.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't tell many people this, but I used to wet the bed up until the time I was seventeen. And sometimes my mom would get so angry at being awoken that she'd roll over and tell me sleep on the couch.
-Jarod Kintz
A year without love is like a week without water, unless you're a camel, then it's like a week without a dirty Arab kicking you in the sides as he saddles himself on your back. So I guess going without love can also be kind of a good thing. You might be able to further yourself without all the excess baggage and strain of a person always riding you.
-Jarod Kintz
A year without love is like a week without water, unless you're a camel, then it's like a week without a dirty Arab kicking you in the sides as he saddles himself on your back. So I guess going without love can also be kind of a good thing. You might be able to further yourself without all the excess baggage and strain of a person always riding you. But what do I know, I'm not an Arab, nor a camel, I'm just a thirsty fool.
-Jarod Kintz
A man ought to own two cars--one that his wife knows he has, and another for his mistress. Unless he has two mistresses, then he should have three mattresses, two cars and a van where he keeps both a mattress and a mistress. Oh, and some peanut M&Ms that his wife won't let him eat, and his other mistress is allergic to.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of people live at or below the poverty line. And by poverty line, I mean the Tennessee/Mississippi border line.
-Jarod Kintz
If my love was a lightbulb, it would be a candle with no wick, wax, or flame.
-Jarod Kintz
If my relationship was a tree, my girlfriend would be a lubmerjack, always trying to cut me down in front of my forest of friends.
-Jarod Kintz
If Jesus turned water into wine, why can't Jehovah send down from heaven a beer funnel full of heavenly ale?
-Jarod Kintz
If love were alcohol, I'd never get drunk because I wouldn't want to throw up on my girlfriend while we were cuddling. But I wouldn't even be dating her because I don't date lushes.
-Jarod Kintz
I always thought my grandpa was really tough because he never cried until I learned that he had no tear ducts. But that didn't suprise me as much as the fact that he didn't have any children.
-Jarod Kintz
I would rather live a life as a deaf man, than one who could hear all the sorrows of the world. And by sorrows of the world, I mean a wife's voice.
-Jarod Kintz
If I was a deaf king and someone said something that angered me, I'd cut off their disrespectful fingers. Then I'd make the man count off, on his fingers, ten reasons why I shouldn't kill him. Then, just before the axe was about to fall on his head, I'd shout, "Stop! Let him live, for he will never pick another fight, nor nostril, not wedgie as long as he shall live, and that is justice."
-Jarod Kintz
Everytime I feel that life is stepping on my toes I stop and think, Hey, it could be worse. At least I have feet, with toes to step on. Not like my grandpappy who had no feet and used to have to walk everywear bare-ankled with snow up to his, um, ankles.
-Jarod Kintz
Hands down I think the most overused criminal cliche has got to be get your hands up.
-Jarod Kintz
A couple of monkeys live in the apartment above mine. I guess they came from the tree I planted in my living room.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate fake plants. I hate fake people. But I'd rather have the former in my living room because at least it doesn't get mad when I piss on it.
-Jarod Kintz