Very funny cartoon. But this Orafoura guy is a little pretentious, don't you think? I mean if he doesn't want to spend time or money on women he should buy a robe and live in a cave in the south of France and become a hermit that rides his arrogance to and from the watering hole. -Audrey Bird
It is very true that some men don't have a clue. I can attribut that to my partial deafness. When Susan (my wife) starts into me at dinner, I just turn down my hearing aids and nod my head. What a nag she is. -Mr. Polko P.S. Is Audrey bird single?
This is Mama Bird and Audrey Bird is definitely not old enough to date you, but the comic is funny! Besides Orafoura has a good point. But we are worth it. Audrey Bird appreciates your comments Mr Polko. - Mama Bird
PS Mama Bird is single for anyone over the age of 36!!!
True, time is money. But the more money you have the more time you spend trying to aquire even more of it. So in a way, they cancel each other out. I would rather be poor and live at the park like the rest of you fine people.
Some said it couldn't be done. Others just laughed in my face and said I was crazy. But I knew that if I stretched long enough, I could eat the underwear I was wearing while in the lotus position. -Jarod Kintz
Fingerskating is a popular sport. But I am the only person I know running finger marathons. I can run 26 miles on my fingers faster than I can type this paragraph. And the women love me. I'm the Roger Bannister of foreplay. -Jarod Kintz
Last night at dinner my girlfriend said I put her in an awkard position with her parents. Since when has doggystyle been an awkward position? Her mother wasn't complaining when her husband bent her over. -Jarod Kintz
I used to wear camouflage pants when I worked in landscape until Johnny hacked off my leg at the knee with the weedeater. But you should see how this new prosthetic limb doubles as an amazing shovel. -Jarod Kintz
I used to want to play for a jazz band called the bumblebees. Then i realized I was allergic to improv. I break out into hives just thinking about it. -Jarod Kintz
When my wife got pregnant, I loved setting the alarm clock in betwen her legs so the baby would get up at 4:30 every morning. For womb the bells toll. -Jarod Kintz
As an existentialist, I find that nothing matters to me, except my neurotic attempts to match the color of my sox to that of my excessively long nostril hairs. I, of course trim them. The sox, not the nosehairs. -Jarod Kintz
I read a book on existentialist axioms. It was blank. I disagreed with the premises, but could not erase tho thoughts from my mind. So I doodled in it with crayon and felt better about my life. -Jarod Kintz
Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming. -Jarod Kintz
Relationships are as delicate as old China. And the fastest way to shattter a relationship is to build a great wall between you and your partner. -Jarod Kintz
Some people have characters like wood, and they snap. Others have characters of steel, and they melt. I have a character of rubber, I am flexible and often involved in scandalous sex. -Jarod Kintz
To help dyslexic people think strait they should think upside down and write backwards. And if they are right handed they should write with their left hand and vice versa. And if they like apples they should switch to oranges. If they are gay they should become strait. -Jarod Kintz
That piece of ass balogna was so large it had its own governor. We could trim some of the fat and feed it to all seven of you in small sandwiches. But instead of eating it like a normal sandwich, we could shove it through your asses. I think it's a shorter distance to your stomach. -Jarod Kintz
If I were to have sex in a coffin, could the girl's silence be taken as consent? Who cares? They'll have to dig pretty deep to find the truth. -Jarod Kintz
Trying to get laid with the kind of girls I date is impossible. They are all into playing games. The last girl I took out made me play My Little Pony with her for an hour and a half. That's a real mood killer, especially when I have to change her diaper too. -Jarod Kintz
I hate picking up women in bars, especially if they are large. I almost gave myself a hernia last week trying to pick up some broad who was just exactly that, as well as tall too. -Jarod Kintz
The girl I just spoke to in the hallway might agree with me on this, but I think sex has changed completely from what it used to be five, maybe ten minutes ago. -Jarod Kintz
Dying echoes living in the same manner as the taking a shit in the toilet bowl echoes the expensive steak you ate last night. It makes kind of a gurgling sound. -Jarod Kintz
Lots of people write books on drugs. They write better when they are high, I guess. I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah," and "Ooooh that's it," and "Whose hands are those?" -Jarod Kintz
People say relatioships are built on trust. I say that relatioships are built on the concrete that all your former girlfriends found themselves mixed up in. -Jarod kintz
I just found out yesterday that I have been in a relatioship for over a year now. I feel bad I didn't get her anything for our anniversary. Maybe tomorrow I'll go buy her something for our two year anniversary tomorrow night. -Jarod Kintz
A lot of my old friends live in St. Patersburg, Fl, although due to alzheimers most can't remember who I am let alone if they just shit in their pants. -Jarod Kintz
I'm looking to start a band. I play air guitar, and I know a lead singer who can both lip sink and writes most of his stuff in sign language. We cater to the deaf, although we only have one fan right now (Although since he is paralyzed and I push around his wheelchair he is forced to listen to us). We're called the Violent Fingers of Helen Keller. We could use a third man who possesses both two arms and a functional bladder. -Jarod Kintz
I've been sitting here at my kitchen table, frigid llke a frightened deer as the light from my chandalier shines in my eyes. I'm staring at my watch. It's been 3:00 for the past fifteen years as the hands on my watch seem to be stuck in an eternal handshake exactly like the last embrace between my grandfather and I. I keep glancing at my turkey sandwich and thinking about death. The folds in the meat remind me of the creases on his face. I remember his cat, Spartacus, who was the size of a mailbox, and looked llike an oreo bomb had exploded and melted with matted fur. He loved that cat. So did I. My eyes dart to the left as Gunther, my crazy cat, jumps on the table and starts eating my sandwich. I hope he's hungry. After he finishes it, maybe he can eat me too. -Jarod Kintz
I like making love alone on the roof of my house. I just installed a skylight above the guest bedroom so I can enjoy my girlfriend "entertaining" our guests, which usually include small groups of men. -Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets. -Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets. -Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets. -Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets. -Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets. -Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend was more valuable to me than a hundred gallons of feces, only because we used recycled milk cartons, rather than buying new ones. -Jarod Kintz
I like to think of myself as 24% writer, 24% artist, 24% humorist, 24% philosopher, and 5% mathemitician, plus or minus 1% for error. Of course, those figures were based on a study I'd conducted in interviews in the bathroom mirror, and the bathroom is so small it doesn't leave much room for error. -Jarod Kintz
I like to laugh so hard my socks fall off, unless I'm wearing flip flops, then I laugh so hard my feet itch. Maybe it's from the laughing, or maybe it's the athlete's foot. -Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend looks like a mix between Maralyn Monroe and Pam Anderson, with a touch of John Cleese in there--ar least in the way she walks. It's vrey silly. -Jarod Kintz
Sketch: Two skinny company owners make a bet that their employees can lose the most combined weight. Then both owners go back to their people to tell them that they have to lose weight. The first guy has all fat people working for him. The second guy has all skinny people except for one fat guy. The second group of employees are all standing around in a curcle, and all of them are glaring at the fat guy as the owner is saying, "come on guys, we can do it. Big bonuses for everyone if we win." -Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend wants to get breast implants, but I'm not sure if I'd like that. She tells me they'd cost around $8,000. I was wondering if her new breasts would also come with a steering wheel? Because if I'm paying that kind of money for something I at least want to be able to drive it around. Also, she sleeps on her stomach, so I was wondering if we got the operation could we put the breasts on her back, so that I could have something to play with while she's asleep? And finally, do you know where I can get it done at discount prices? Maybe buy one breast get the second one half off. I look forward to hearing back from you. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Your hair product smells so devine that sometimes I start crying thinking about it. I cry because I am bald, and I have no hair to lather up. Never again will I feel your soft shampoo work itself through my hair and engulf my fingers as it used to. The only time I get to enjoy your shampoo now is at pot luck dinners, where I bring a desert crafted from Suave shampoo. It saddens me that I am the only one who eats it. Nobody wants to eat the dish that the bald man brings. Hey, at least there's no hair in my food, unlike the popular Vanessa, and her lasagna, where I always find a stringy hair every time I eat it. I don't think she uses your product, and I can't accept her as a person because of that. I am thinking of buying wigs, not to wear, but solely to wash every morning in the shower just to have the Suave experienve before I start my day. I just thought I'd let you guys know how much you mean to me. Even though the bald man is probably seen as the enemy at your corporate offices, I am your most commited customer. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I think I can see into the future. It's crazy, but I actually knew during the last sentence what I was going to write in this sentence just seconds before the period came. I'm like that all the time. I once foresaw my neighbor's house getting vandalized weeks before it happened. Preperation is the key to not getting caught. So is not leaving your pants with your wallet and license in them on the master bedroom floor while you roll around naked on their sheets, while you sing the theme song to Golden Girls. But that's just speculation on my part. Well, I gotta go, but I'm sure you already knew that. Good luck in the future, Jarod Kintz
How many goats can you typically fit in your largest moving van? Why do the seats of your vans smell like burnt cheese? Back when my family first moved to this country there was not enough cheese to go around. Nor goats, but one goat could have been shared among five grown men, each taking their turn in decending order of age (it gets cold and lonely in Wyoming). I wish clothes were made of cheese, and shoes were made of bread. That way if I were stuck in the desert I could still have a grilled cheese sandwich. And moving would be easy, all I'd need would be the cheese on my back. Of course, I don't like moldy clothes, so I'd not have a dressor, but a refrigerator. I am thinking of moving to Wisconsin. I have about a half a ton of cheddar cheese to move. Are your vans refrigerated? I depart as soon as you reply. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
You're a religious guy, right? Do you think that heaven is full of angels, buffets, mansions, and midgets playing white pianos like my mother says? I'm sure glad there is no literal "Stairway to Heaven" as Led Zeppelin says, because if there were, and I made it all the way to the top step, I'd probably get so excited that I'd pull out my slinky and set it loose and follow it all the way back down to earth. I'm like that. I'm a follower. I follow Jesus. Jesus was like a slinky, he just took one step at a time so us mere mortals could keep up. He wanted us to come and follow him. Did you know that Jesus died 1,912 years before the invention of the slinky? Do you think we all should aspire to be more like a slinky, and just take one step at a time? Or will the slinky lead us on a downward path, and we'll all have eternal damnation for following one? If so, I might switch to playing with LEGOs. Unless you feel LEGOs are immoral too. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Don't get me wrong, I love living here in Florida, but I feel like I need a change. If I could live anywhere in the world, I'd probably want to live in a vending machine in an abandoned warehouse. My neighbor would be a Kit Kat bar. Would it be weird to want to eat your neighbor? I couldn't have any dogs, because my chocolate neighbors could kill my dogs if they ate one. I generally don't like it when my dogs eat my neighbors (with the obvious exception of the Wilsons), but in this case I really wouldn't like it. Do you know if I had a party, would everyone have to pay a dollar to enter my vending machine neighborhood? It'd be the ultimate gated community. I look forward to your reply. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Back before Edison invented the light bulb, if someone had an idea did a candle light up above their head? I'm sure glad that he invented the light bulb because I have lots of ideas. And most of them occur while huffing gasoline, and gasoline and candles don't mix too well. Not like vodka and orange juice mix, which also helps me enerate ideas. Sometimes I drink so much I lose my balance, which isn't good for business seing as I'm a tightrope walker. I just sort of fell into the business after the last guy fell out the business, and into the treacherous depths of Niagara Falls. It's a fine line to walk when judgine how much to drink. I'm sure Edison would have made a great tightrope walker. I always sweat profusely while walking across Niagara Falls. Edison intuitively knew what I go through when he said, "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration." While I may not be a tightrope walking genius, I do perspire enough to be considered at least brilliant. Funny thing about my business is, nobody who watches me wants to see me reach the other side. They all want to see me step over the line into a tumultuous, watery grave. Well, I gotta run now, or rather walk, very, very slowly. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Back before Edison invented the light bulb, if someone had an idea did a candle light up above their head? I'm sure glad that he invented the light bulb because I have lots of ideas. And most of them occur while huffing gasoline, and gasoline and candles don't mix too well. Not like vodka and orange juice mix, which also helps me enerate ideas. Sometimes I drink so much that I lose my balance, which isn't good for business seing as I'm a tightrope walker. I just sort of fell into the business after the last guy fell out the business, and into the treacherous depths of Niagara Falls. It's a fine line to walk when judging how much to drink. I'm sure Edison would have made a great tightrope walker. I always sweat profusely while walking across Niagara Falls. Edison intuitively knew what I go through when he said, "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration." While I may not be a tightrope walking genius, I do perspire enough to be considered at least brilliant. The funny thing about my business is, nobody who watches me wants to see me reach the other side. They all want to see me step over the line into a tumultuous, watery grave. Well, I gotta run now, or rather walk, very, very slowly. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I am a total outdoorsy kind of guy. I'm also a certified chocolate fiend. Whenever I'm in the woods I think about those unfortunate people who, for whatever reason, are forced to cut off one of their limbs to survive. Then I think, hey, how cool would it be if one of their arms were made of chocolate. Then not only would they be able to free themselves, but they'd also have a delicious reward for being so brave. Are you planning on branching out into the prosthetic limb industry anytime soon? I'd love to eat my own elbow, especially if it was made of milk chocolate and had chunks of nuts in it. Even if you don't reply, I'll still continue to buy your candy bars. Best of luck, Jarod Kintz
every night when I dream, I dream that my hair looks like you. And every morning I wake up disappointed. I've dyed my hair many shades to get it the exact hue of you, but I still can't get it styled to look as good as you. Next time Donald goes to his hair stylist, can you beg him to send me some of his clippings? Of all the celebrity hair out there, you are the most unique and have the most personality. I've often considered scalping Donald just so that we could be together. Oh wouldn't it be great? Just the two of us sitting on the beach, as the scent of you wafts up my nostrils as I hold you close to my nose, and every breath I take is filtered by your fragrance. I would give up my forehead to be with you. Donald doesn't appreciate you like I would. We were meant for each other. I know you can't write back, and Donald is probably reading this right now. I'm sorry Donald, I'm in love with your hair. Yours truly, Jarod Kintz
I am pleased to announce that on the thirteenth of June, between noon and 12:15 p.m., Mr. Fizzlebush and I will be arriving at your magnificent zoo. Yes, I did say that I was arriving with the legendary Mr. Fizzlebush. Unfortunately, due to time constraints, and the fact that he can't hold a pen in his tiny paws, Mr. Fizzlebush will not be able to sign autographs. But he will be available to take some provocative pictures with the finest felines in your facility. To not draw too much of a spectacle in your zoo, both Mr. Fizzlebush and myself will dress covertly. I will be dressed in all green spandex with a giant shell on my back, and Mr. Fizzlebush wil be dressed like Humphrey Bogart's piano in Casablanca. Of all the zoos, in all the towns, in all the world, we're coming to yours. On a side note, Mr. Fizzlebush's costume will likely be rented, and probably out of tune and not musical at all, so unfortunately I won't be able to play a little ditty for you on the piano. See you soon. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Your food is delicious! Every Time I eat there I never feel like vomiting afterwards, although I force myself to anyway. And it's not because I'm a Communist either, which I'm not, but only because I abhor the color red. I'd also rather not share a meal with a socialist if I had the option of dining alone or with a Capitolist. Mr. Fizzlebush is a Capitolist, but only because he is afraid of Karl Marx's beard and stern look. He is also afraid of tall hats, which means that every Halloween I dress up like Abe Lincoln and scare the you know what out of him. And he always does his business right on my favorite rug too. And it's usually a big business too--that's also how I know he's a Capitolist. But to my point, I will be dining at your establishment this Thursday the 23rd, and I will be bringing Mr. Fizzlebush. I was wondering if you could have all your servers, both male and female, at your Gainesville location, dress like Abe Lincoln? It will be great! Mr. Fizzlebush's fear is so great that I've owed him five dollars for the past year over a bet on who the first President of the U.S was (I know it is inconsequential, as life in general is, but how was I to know that Jean-Paul Sartre was not a President, let alone even an American?). So I've owed him this five dollar bill this whole time, yet he won't take it because Abe's image is on there. I hope you decide to comply with this prank, and I promise to tip well (I'm dying to get rid of this five dollar bill). If you don't respond I'll assume by your silence that you are going into stealth mode for this prank so that Mr. Fizzlebush doesn't find out. I look forward to next Thursday. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Your car is out of this world. Three planets over to be exact. Sometimes I wish I could drive your car around the sun. I'd probably need lots of sunscreen though (I burn easily. Just ask my friends, who turned the oven on when they discovered I was hiding there during last week's game of hide-n-seek). I think you guys should create a super SUV calle "The Comet." Then it would be socially aceptable to crash into random things and places here on Earth. Let me know what you think of my new concept car. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I would very much like to go on one of your cruises, but I have certain accommodations that need to be made before I book my trip. I need a room large enough to comfortably fit a King sized bed, as well as a King (Juan Carlos of Spain). Juan is afraid of people and will only come aboard incognito. He will be arriving in the costume of a small cat, and answer to the pseudonym of "Mr. Fizzlebush." He will need his litter box changed daily, the finest dry cat food, and 14 bottles of your finest champagne (He is royalty after all). His majesty Juan Carlos is not to be touched, but if he does decide to lick a crew member's face, they will be expected to kneel and grovel at his paws. I hope you won't turn your back on a royal customer. We look forward to sailing with you soon. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Let's assume that I could travel at the speed of light, and that I happened to got my girlfriend pregnant and than flew off 80 light years into the future. But on my way into the future I gave advice to my son about death, and how to accept your final hours. Since we know that light travels faster than the speed of sound, would he get the message from me on his deathbed, 80 years in the future? Or less, since sound also has a speedy velocity to it, and is not simply waiting still for the past to catch up? I hope you can clarify things for me since I think I mighthave knocked my girlfriend up last night. thank you, Jarod Kintz
If I could throw a punch faster than the speed of light, and I got into a fight and punched some guy, would my fist hit him in the past, before we even got into an argument? That would be ultimate way to fight--beat them up even before they think about opening their mouth. What about if instead of vocal chords, I had light chords, and my words came out in light instead of sound. Would I then be able to give advice in the present that would only be heard in the very recent past? Also, would people then be able to read my voice, because they would not hear it, but would see it? I could also talk to the deaf, and in the dark I could find the key hole to my door just by coughing. I'm thinking of surgically installing light switches in my throat so I'd appreciate it if you could tell me if my premises are correct. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
215 Comments:
I love this. What a funny spin on an internationally known theory. It's great!
Sarah
Time is money, and girls take up too much of both.
-Orafoura
? ? ? ? ?
that john denver is full of shit, man
Very funny cartoon. But this Orafoura guy is a little pretentious, don't you think? I mean if he doesn't want to spend time or money on women he should buy a robe and live in a cave in the south of France and become a hermit that rides his arrogance to and from the watering hole.
-Audrey Bird
Right on Audrey Bird...some men don't have a clue! But you have to admit that the comic is pretty funny.
BirdMan
It is very true that some men don't have a clue. I can attribut that to my partial deafness. When Susan (my wife) starts into me at dinner, I just turn down my hearing aids and nod my head. What a nag she is.
-Mr. Polko
P.S. Is Audrey bird single?
This is Mama Bird and Audrey Bird is definitely not old enough to date you, but the comic is funny! Besides Orafoura has a good point. But we are worth it. Audrey Bird appreciates your comments Mr Polko. - Mama Bird
PS Mama Bird is single for anyone over the age of 36!!!
I'd sport a watch like that
very shitty
I like this. could you buy a soda with the watch?
Time is like money. Both come in easy increments that are easy to spend in a strip club.
-Orafoura
True. Although watches are not highly favored or even looked at inside strip clubs.
True, time is money. But the more money you have the more time you spend trying to aquire even more of it. So in a way, they cancel each other out. I would rather be poor and live at the park like the rest of you fine people.
Stinky McPoo
This cartoon is very creative. You could pitch this idea to Movado and try to get it actually made.
I love money.I love time. I love spending my time rolling around naked in all of my money.
Costa
That is one of the funniest blogs I have ever read!
I love things that don't Costa lot of time or money-like naive young girls.
Great comic. You put a good spin on it Kintz. Keep on bein crazy.
Bobby
Time is money and I got both. Being in jail gave me the extra time and my body made me the money.
Holla.
Lil' Kim
SUCKS!
It's a great concept, but couldn't you have drawn it better?
Seen it before. Some jackass from Jersey had one on. Made me think of kicking his ass. What a prick he was.
I know that jackass. He lives below me. I can smell him through my floor.
So many books to read, so little time to watch all the movies.
-Jarod Kintz
Some said it couldn't be done. Others just laughed in my face and said I was crazy. But I knew that if I stretched long enough, I could eat the underwear I was wearing while in the lotus position.
-Jarod Kintz
Fingerskating is a popular sport. But I am the only person I know running finger marathons. I can run 26 miles on my fingers faster than I can type this paragraph. And the women love me. I'm the Roger Bannister of foreplay.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to want to play soccer, but I'm not good with defeat.
-Jarod Kintz
Last night at dinner my girlfriend said I put her in an awkard position with her parents. Since when has doggystyle been an awkward position? Her mother wasn't complaining when her husband bent her over.
-Jarod Kintz
I tried putting my house up for sale, but it kept sinking in the Bermuda triangle.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to wear camouflage pants when I worked in landscape until Johnny hacked off my leg at the knee with the weedeater. But you should see how this new prosthetic limb doubles as an amazing shovel.
-Jarod Kintz
They say when you push the limits you are playing with fire. But I happen to enjoy the smell of burnt flesh.
Lauren Zimpel
I used to want to play for a jazz band called the bumblebees. Then i realized I was allergic to improv. I break out into hives just thinking about it.
-Jarod Kintz
A janitor is one of my favorite people because I love listening to the piano. He has the magical set of keys.
Lauren Zimpel
When my wife got pregnant, I loved setting the alarm clock in betwen her legs so the baby would get up at 4:30 every morning. For womb the bells toll.
-Jarod Kintz
As an existentialist, I find that nothing matters to me, except my neurotic attempts to match the color of my sox to that of my excessively long nostril hairs. I, of course trim them. The sox, not the nosehairs.
-Jarod Kintz
I read a book on existentialist axioms. It was blank. I disagreed with the premises, but could not erase tho thoughts from my mind. So I doodled in it with crayon and felt better about my life.
-Jarod Kintz
I have a friend named Willow, she complains that I always vut her down. I warned her that I am not enviromantally friendly.
Lauren Zimpel
It's Fate, We Fit (picture of puzzle with two faces in the piece)
-Jarod Kintz
Never makeout with a woman who can touch her tongue to her forehead, she might try to choke you.
-Jarod Kintz
he had eyes like egg rolls, eyelids folded over and fried, as he remarkid, Hey, even the early christians got stoned.
-Jarod Kintz
America is on a one way trip to hell economically, and we are paying for it with money we don't have.
-Jarod Kintz
With the money in my bank account I might be able to buy several designer suits, but I can't afford one.
-Jarod Kintz
The IRS is God's last Profit. And inflation is the reason we pay more than ten percent.
-Jarod Kintz
If it ain't brake, check it.
-Jarod Kintz
I only have a passenger side airbag when my girl rides shotgun.(bumper sticker)
-Jarod Kintz
Emerge from the masses, or merge towards the middle. Either way, move! (bumper sticker)
-Jarod Kintz
Don't change lanes, change your paradigms.
-Jarod Kintz
Don't cross the solid white lines, and the solid white lines won't cross you.
-Jarod Kintz
Submerge your urge and merge, but don't stick to my bumper like this sticker.
-Jarod Kintz
My bumper isn't thicker than your skull, so back off.
-Jarod Kintz
White horn makes loud honkey.
-Jarod Kintz
Always buckle up when having sex while driving. Especially if you have kids in the backseat.
-Jarod Kintz
Tell your children to buckle up before having sex in the backseat.
-Jarod Kintz
Encourage safe sex. Tell your children to avoid mating with hungry wolves.
-Jarod Kintz
This bumper sticker is about as thin as my patience.
-Jarod Kintz
As a doctor, my temperance is about as thin as my patients, and I work with anorexics.
-Jarod Kintz
The path of life is filled with many people. Sometimes I wish I drove a big truck.
-Jarod Kintz
My car isn't slow, it's a bit dents.
-Jarod Kintz
I work with statistics like an angry cook works with bitchy clients' food: I spit on them.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate cooking steaks for people I hate. I spit on them, the steaks not the people.
-Jarod Kintz
All philosophy is based on words. So if you can't spell, your paradigms will always be slightly off.
-Jarod Kintz
Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.
-Jarod Kintz
It's been said "a painting has a life of its own." Although clearly some pieces opt for suicide.
-Jarod Kintz
If my anger were a dinner, I'd be frozen.
-Jarod Kintz
Beauty is like a globe, it's all around.
-Jarod Kintz
Religion is a tree. You've got to be leaf.
-Jarod Kintz
Having a child is a beautiful thing, after all the mess is cleaned up, of course.
-Jarod Kintz
There's no better way to say I love you than a Ziplock bag of your own semen.
-Jarod Kintz
Relationships are as delicate as old China. And the fastest way to shattter a relationship is to build a great wall between you and your partner.
-Jarod Kintz
Before I was born I'm glad I didn't sign a lease to move into my mother's vagina. There's no closet space.
-Jarod Kintz
The body is an instrument that makes all sorts of funny noises.
-Jarod Kintz
How many nannies does it take to change a lightbulb? None unless the lightbulb has got shit all over it.
-Jarod Kintz
Some people have characters like wood, and they snap. Others have characters of steel, and they melt. I have a character of rubber, I am flexible and often involved in scandalous sex.
-Jarod Kintz
You can still keep an honest business, even if you lie with your secretary.
-Jarod Kintz
To help dyslexic people think strait they should think upside down and write backwards. And if they are right handed they should write with their left hand and vice versa. And if they like apples they should switch to oranges. If they are gay they should become strait.
-Jarod Kintz
Don't kill the butcher to eat the cow. Just eat the butcher.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd rather die than be shot 47 times and then get bludgeoned with a watermelon.
-Jarod Kintz
That piece of ass balogna was so large it had its own governor. We could trim some of the fat and feed it to all seven of you in small sandwiches. But instead of eating it like a normal sandwich, we could shove it through your asses. I think it's a shorter distance to your stomach.
-Jarod Kintz
If I were to have sex in a coffin, could the girl's silence be taken as consent? Who cares? They'll have to dig pretty deep to find the truth.
-Jarod Kintz
You can live as a contrarian, but you'll still die like everybody else.
-Jarod Kintz
I never have sex on the first date, but it's not like I don't try. Who says anal beads is not good dinner conversation?
-Jarod Kintz
Trying to get laid with the kind of girls I date is impossible. They are all into playing games. The last girl I took out made me play My Little Pony with her for an hour and a half. That's a real mood killer, especially when I have to change her diaper too.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate picking up women in bars, especially if they are large. I almost gave myself a hernia last week trying to pick up some broad who was just exactly that, as well as tall too.
-Jarod Kintz
Last night my friend asked me to go with him to the bar to pick up some broads. No thanks, I said, I prefer my girls skinny.
-Jarod Kintz
The girl I just spoke to in the hallway might agree with me on this, but I think sex has changed completely from what it used to be five, maybe ten minutes ago.
-Jarod Kintz
Lots of people die in lots of different ways. I try to be creative, and personalize it with all my past exploits.
-Jarod Kintz
Dying echoes living in the same manner as the taking a shit in the toilet bowl echoes the expensive steak you ate last night. It makes kind of a gurgling sound.
-Jarod Kintz
I'll never forget when we fell out of love. It was the same moment she fell out of the window.
-Jarod Kintz
My New Year's resolution this year is to give up sex with all women, and just focus on about two dozen or so.
-Jarod Kintz
Lots of people write books on drugs. They write better when they are high, I guess. I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah," and "Ooooh that's it," and "Whose hands are those?"
-Jarod Kintz
Girls mix at frat parties as smooth as the Roofies they mix in Screwdrivers.
-Jarod Kintz
I was a loyal fan. He treated me as an equal. He treated me like a dog.
-Jarod Kintz
I never make the same mistake that I made more than once, twice. I usually make it three or fouor times.
-Jarod kintz
My Father drove me to Drink, and he even charged me gas money. It's ok, I paid him from money I had siphoned from him anyway.
-Jarod Kintz
I was so excited when my girlfriend gor a divorce from her husband, but at the same time I was sad for my father.
-Jarod Kintz
People say relatioships are built on trust. I say that relatioships are built on the concrete that all your former girlfriends found themselves mixed up in.
-Jarod kintz
The concrete business is the wrong business to get yourself mixed up in.
-Jarod Kintz
He's definitely not the smartest guy, but at least he's not quite the ugliest (when someone asked me about Luke Chatham)
-Jarod Kintz
I just found out yesterday that I have been in a relatioship for over a year now. I feel bad I didn't get her anything for our anniversary. Maybe tomorrow I'll go buy her something for our two year anniversary tomorrow night.
-Jarod Kintz
McDonald's should start selling adult happy meals. I could really go for a cheesburger and a blow job right now.
-Jarod Kintz
I have a problem keeping friends. I keep running out of space in my freezer.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of my old friends live in St. Patersburg, Fl, although due to alzheimers most can't remember who I am let alone if they just shit in their pants.
-Jarod Kintz
Death is pretty fair. It comes to every man only once, although sometimes we wish it would come to some men more than once.
-Jarod Kintz
It was wholesale slaughter on that gloomy morning, and I was the retailer.
-Jarod Kintz
I wouldn't want to die wearing stilettos. If my wife found out, she'd kill me.
-Jarod Kintz
When my girlfriend works out her lower back always gets sore. Maybe we shouldn't do it doggystyle anymore.
-Jarod Kintz
I bought my girlfriend on eBay for half price. The batteries weren't included, and I can't figure out how to turn her off.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't want to die alone. I want to die flying a 7-47 full of passengers with no co-pilot.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend's a real cow, let me tell you. She was my waitress, and we fell in love after I tipped her.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm looking to start a band. I play air guitar, and I know a lead singer who can both lip sink and writes most of his stuff in sign language. We cater to the deaf, although we only have one fan right now (Although since he is paralyzed and I push around his wheelchair he is forced to listen to us). We're called the Violent Fingers of Helen Keller. We could use a third man who possesses both two arms and a functional bladder.
-Jarod Kintz
I've been sitting here at my kitchen table, frigid llke a frightened deer as the light from my chandalier shines in my eyes. I'm staring at my watch. It's been 3:00 for the past fifteen years as the hands on my watch seem to be stuck in an eternal handshake exactly like the last embrace between my grandfather and I. I keep glancing at my turkey sandwich and thinking about death. The folds in the meat remind me of the creases on his face. I remember his cat, Spartacus, who was the size of a mailbox, and looked llike an oreo bomb had exploded and melted with matted fur. He loved that cat. So did I. My eyes dart to the left as Gunther, my crazy cat, jumps on the table and starts eating my sandwich. I hope he's hungry. After he finishes it, maybe he can eat me too.
-Jarod Kintz
I like making love alone on the roof of my house. I just installed a skylight above the guest bedroom so I can enjoy my girlfriend "entertaining" our guests, which usually include small groups of men.
-Jarod Kintz
Whether you prefer being on the top or the bottom during sex, it still costs the same.
-Jarod kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets.
-Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets.
-Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets.
-Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets.
-Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets.
-Jarod Kintz
I want my girlfriend to shave off a couple of pounds, mostly with the hair on her back.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend was more valuable to me than a hundred gallons of feces, only because we used recycled milk cartons, rather than buying new ones.
-Jarod Kintz
I have some native American blood in me. Yeah, I try to drink between 2-4 glasses a day.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate fake friends, but then that's the only kind I can afford.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to think of myself as 24% writer, 24% artist, 24% humorist, 24% philosopher, and 5% mathemitician, plus or minus 1% for error. Of course, those figures were based on a study I'd conducted in interviews in the bathroom mirror, and the bathroom is so small it doesn't leave much room for error.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to laugh so hard my socks fall off, unless I'm wearing flip flops, then I laugh so hard my feet itch. Maybe it's from the laughing, or maybe it's the athlete's foot.
-Jarod Kintz
I got athlete's foot last week. I would have cut off both if he wouldn't have screamed so loudly.
-Jarod Kintz
If compliments were clothing, my girlfriend would be in lengerie, and I wouldn't tell her she's sexy.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend smells great, like fresh cut grass, even after she's just finished mowing the lawn.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend looks like a mix between Maralyn Monroe and Pam Anderson, with a touch of John Cleese in there--ar least in the way she walks. It's vrey silly.
-Jarod Kintz
Ergonomics is not a very ergonomic word to type out.
-Jarod Kintz
Sketch: Two skinny company owners make a bet that their employees can lose the most combined weight. Then both owners go back to their people to tell them that they have to lose weight. The first guy has all fat people working for him. The second guy has all skinny people except for one fat guy. The second group of employees are all standing around in a curcle, and all of them are glaring at the fat guy as the owner is saying, "come on guys, we can do it. Big bonuses for everyone if we win."
-Jarod Kintz
your mother likes sausages
You're right mother does like sausages!!! But so does your Dad!
~The girl with the hair
Dear American Society of Plastic Surgeons,
My girlfriend wants to get breast implants, but I'm not sure if I'd like that. She tells me they'd cost around $8,000. I was wondering if her new breasts would also come with a steering wheel? Because if I'm paying that kind of money for something I at least want to be able to drive it around. Also, she sleeps on her stomach, so I was wondering if we got the operation could we put the breasts on her back, so that I could have something to play with while she's asleep? And finally, do you know where I can get it done at discount prices? Maybe buy one breast get the second one half off. I look forward to hearing back from you.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Suave,
Your hair product smells so devine that sometimes I start crying thinking about it. I cry because I am bald, and I have no hair to lather up. Never again will I feel your soft shampoo work itself through my hair and engulf my fingers as it used to. The only time I get to enjoy your shampoo now is at pot luck dinners, where I bring a desert crafted from Suave shampoo. It saddens me that I am the only one who eats it. Nobody wants to eat the dish that the bald man brings. Hey, at least there's no hair in my food, unlike the popular Vanessa, and her lasagna, where I always find a stringy hair every time I eat it. I don't think she uses your product, and I can't accept her as a person because of that. I am thinking of buying wigs, not to wear, but solely to wash every morning in the shower just to have the Suave experienve before I start my day. I just thought I'd let you guys know how much you mean to me. Even though the bald man is probably seen as the enemy at your corporate offices, I am your most commited customer.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear American Association of Psychics,
Sometimes I think I can see into the future. It's crazy, but I actually knew during the last sentence what I was going to write in this sentence just seconds before the period came. I'm like that all the time. I once foresaw my neighbor's house getting vandalized weeks before it happened. Preperation is the key to not getting caught. So is not leaving your pants with your wallet and license in them on the master bedroom floor while you roll around naked on their sheets, while you sing the theme song to Golden Girls. But that's just speculation on my part. Well, I gotta go, but I'm sure you already knew that.
Good luck in the future,
Jarod Kintz
Dear U-Haul,
How many goats can you typically fit in your largest moving van? Why do the seats of your vans smell like burnt cheese? Back when my family first moved to this country there was not enough cheese to go around. Nor goats, but one goat could have been shared among five grown men, each taking their turn in decending order of age (it gets cold and lonely in Wyoming). I wish clothes were made of cheese, and shoes were made of bread. That way if I were stuck in the desert I could still have a grilled cheese sandwich. And moving would be easy, all I'd need would be the cheese on my back. Of course, I don't like moldy clothes, so I'd not have a dressor, but a refrigerator. I am thinking of moving to Wisconsin. I have about a half a ton of cheddar cheese to move. Are your vans refrigerated? I depart as soon as you reply.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Billy Graham,
You're a religious guy, right? Do you think that heaven is full of angels, buffets, mansions, and midgets playing white pianos like my mother says? I'm sure glad there is no literal "Stairway to Heaven" as Led Zeppelin says, because if there were, and I made it all the way to the top step, I'd probably get so excited that I'd pull out my slinky and set it loose and follow it all the way back down to earth. I'm like that. I'm a follower. I follow Jesus. Jesus was like a slinky, he just took one step at a time so us mere mortals could keep up. He wanted us to come and follow him. Did you know that Jesus died 1,912 years before the invention of the slinky? Do you think we all should aspire to be more like a slinky, and just take one step at a time? Or will the slinky lead us on a downward path, and we'll all have eternal damnation for following one? If so, I might switch to playing with LEGOs. Unless you feel LEGOs are immoral too.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear RE/MAX,
Don't get me wrong, I love living here in Florida, but I feel like I need a change. If I could live anywhere in the world, I'd probably want to live in a vending machine in an abandoned warehouse. My neighbor would be a Kit Kat bar. Would it be weird to want to eat your neighbor? I couldn't have any dogs, because my chocolate neighbors could kill my dogs if they ate one. I generally don't like it when my dogs eat my neighbors (with the obvious exception of the Wilsons), but in this case I really wouldn't like it. Do you know if I had a party, would everyone have to pay a dollar to enter my vending machine neighborhood? It'd be the ultimate gated community. I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear General Electric,
Back before Edison invented the light bulb, if someone had an idea did a candle light up above their head? I'm sure glad that he invented the light bulb because I have lots of ideas. And most of them occur while huffing gasoline, and gasoline and candles don't mix too well. Not like vodka and orange juice mix, which also helps me enerate ideas. Sometimes I drink so much I lose my balance, which isn't good for business seing as I'm a tightrope walker. I just sort of fell into the business after the last guy fell out the business, and into the treacherous depths of Niagara Falls. It's a fine line to walk when judgine how much to drink. I'm sure Edison would have made a great tightrope walker. I always sweat profusely while walking across Niagara Falls. Edison intuitively knew what I go through when he said, "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration." While I may not be a tightrope walking genius, I do perspire enough to be considered at least brilliant. Funny thing about my business is, nobody who watches me wants to see me reach the other side. They all want to see me step over the line into a tumultuous, watery grave. Well, I gotta run now, or rather walk, very, very slowly.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
(Revision)
Dear General Electric,
Back before Edison invented the light bulb, if someone had an idea did a candle light up above their head? I'm sure glad that he invented the light bulb because I have lots of ideas. And most of them occur while huffing gasoline, and gasoline and candles don't mix too well. Not like vodka and orange juice mix, which also helps me enerate ideas. Sometimes I drink so much that I lose my balance, which isn't good for business seing as I'm a tightrope walker. I just sort of fell into the business after the last guy fell out the business, and into the treacherous depths of Niagara Falls. It's a fine line to walk when judging how much to drink. I'm sure Edison would have made a great tightrope walker. I always sweat profusely while walking across Niagara Falls. Edison intuitively knew what I go through when he said, "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration." While I may not be a tightrope walking genius, I do perspire enough to be considered at least brilliant. The funny thing about my business is, nobody who watches me wants to see me reach the other side. They all want to see me step over the line into a tumultuous, watery grave. Well, I gotta run now, or rather walk, very, very slowly.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Hersheys,
I am a total outdoorsy kind of guy. I'm also a certified chocolate fiend. Whenever I'm in the woods I think about those unfortunate people who, for whatever reason, are forced to cut off one of their limbs to survive. Then I think, hey, how cool would it be if one of their arms were made of chocolate. Then not only would they be able to free themselves, but they'd also have a delicious reward for being so brave. Are you planning on branching out into the prosthetic limb industry anytime soon? I'd love to eat my own elbow, especially if it was made of milk chocolate and had chunks of nuts in it. Even if you don't reply, I'll still continue to buy your candy bars.
Best of luck,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Donald Trump's Hair,
every night when I dream, I dream that my hair looks like you. And every morning I wake up disappointed. I've dyed my hair many shades to get it the exact hue of you, but I still can't get it styled to look as good as you. Next time Donald goes to his hair stylist, can you beg him to send me some of his clippings? Of all the celebrity hair out there, you are the most unique and have the most personality. I've often considered scalping Donald just so that we could be together. Oh wouldn't it be great? Just the two of us sitting on the beach, as the scent of you wafts up my nostrils as I hold you close to my nose, and every breath I take is filtered by your fragrance. I would give up my forehead to be with you. Donald doesn't appreciate you like I would. We were meant for each other. I know you can't write back, and Donald is probably reading this right now. I'm sorry Donald, I'm in love with your hair.
Yours truly,
Jarod Kintz
Dear San Diego Zoo,
I am pleased to announce that on the thirteenth of June, between noon and 12:15 p.m., Mr. Fizzlebush and I will be arriving at your magnificent zoo. Yes, I did say that I was arriving with the legendary Mr. Fizzlebush. Unfortunately, due to time constraints, and the fact that he can't hold a pen in his tiny paws, Mr. Fizzlebush will not be able to sign autographs. But he will be available to take some provocative pictures with the finest felines in your facility. To not draw too much of a spectacle in your zoo, both Mr. Fizzlebush and myself will dress covertly. I will be dressed in all green spandex with a giant shell on my back, and Mr. Fizzlebush wil be dressed like Humphrey Bogart's piano in Casablanca. Of all the zoos, in all the towns, in all the world, we're coming to yours. On a side note, Mr. Fizzlebush's costume will likely be rented, and probably out of tune and not musical at all, so unfortunately I won't be able to play a little ditty for you on the piano. See you soon.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Denny's,
Your food is delicious! Every Time I eat there I never feel like vomiting afterwards, although I force myself to anyway. And it's not because I'm a Communist either, which I'm not, but only because I abhor the color red. I'd also rather not share a meal with a socialist if I had the option of dining alone or with a Capitolist. Mr. Fizzlebush is a Capitolist, but only because he is afraid of Karl Marx's beard and stern look. He is also afraid of tall hats, which means that every Halloween I dress up like Abe Lincoln and scare the you know what out of him. And he always does his business right on my favorite rug too. And it's usually a big business too--that's also how I know he's a Capitolist. But to my point, I will be dining at your establishment this Thursday the 23rd, and I will be bringing Mr. Fizzlebush. I was wondering if you could have all your servers, both male and female, at your Gainesville location, dress like Abe Lincoln? It will be great! Mr. Fizzlebush's fear is so great that I've owed him five dollars for the past year over a bet on who the first President of the U.S was (I know it is inconsequential, as life in general is, but how was I to know that Jean-Paul Sartre was not a President, let alone even an American?). So I've owed him this five dollar bill this whole time, yet he won't take it because Abe's image is on there. I hope you decide to comply with this prank, and I promise to tip well (I'm dying to get rid of this five dollar bill). If you don't respond I'll assume by your silence that you are going into stealth mode for this prank so that Mr. Fizzlebush doesn't find out. I look forward to next Thursday.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Saturn,
Your car is out of this world. Three planets over to be exact. Sometimes I wish I could drive your car around the sun. I'd probably need lots of sunscreen though (I burn easily. Just ask my friends, who turned the oven on when they discovered I was hiding there during last week's game of hide-n-seek). I think you guys should create a super SUV calle "The Comet." Then it would be socially aceptable to crash into random things and places here on Earth. Let me know what you think of my new concept car.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Disney Cruise Line,
I would very much like to go on one of your cruises, but I have certain accommodations that need to be made before I book my trip. I need a room large enough to comfortably fit a King sized bed, as well as a King (Juan Carlos of Spain). Juan is afraid of people and will only come aboard incognito. He will be arriving in the costume of a small cat, and answer to the pseudonym of "Mr. Fizzlebush." He will need his litter box changed daily, the finest dry cat food, and 14 bottles of your finest champagne (He is royalty after all). His majesty Juan Carlos is not to be touched, but if he does decide to lick a crew member's face, they will be expected to kneel and grovel at his paws. I hope you won't turn your back on a royal customer. We look forward to sailing with you soon.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Cal Tech,
Let's assume that I could travel at the speed of light, and that I happened to got my girlfriend pregnant and than flew off 80 light years into the future. But on my way into the future I gave advice to my son about death, and how to accept your final hours. Since we know that light travels faster than the speed of sound, would he get the message from me on his deathbed, 80 years in the future? Or less, since sound also has a speedy velocity to it, and is not simply waiting still for the past to catch up? I hope you can clarify things for me since I think I mighthave knocked my girlfriend up last night.
thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Cal Tech,
If I could throw a punch faster than the speed of light, and I got into a fight and punched some guy, would my fist hit him in the past, before we even got into an argument? That would be ultimate way to fight--beat them up even before they think about opening their mouth. What about if instead of vocal chords, I had light chords, and my words came out in light instead of sound. Would I then be able to give advice in the present that would only be heard in the very recent past? Also, would people then be able to read my voice, because they would not hear it, but would see it? I could also talk to the deaf, and in the dark I could find the key hole to my door just by coughing. I'm thinking of surgically installing light switches in my throat so I'd appreciate it if you could tell me if my premises are correct.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Nestle,
To me, life is either chocolate or not. I like to think of myself a