Very funny cartoon. But this Orafoura guy is a little pretentious, don't you think? I mean if he doesn't want to spend time or money on women he should buy a robe and live in a cave in the south of France and become a hermit that rides his arrogance to and from the watering hole. -Audrey Bird
It is very true that some men don't have a clue. I can attribut that to my partial deafness. When Susan (my wife) starts into me at dinner, I just turn down my hearing aids and nod my head. What a nag she is. -Mr. Polko P.S. Is Audrey bird single?
This is Mama Bird and Audrey Bird is definitely not old enough to date you, but the comic is funny! Besides Orafoura has a good point. But we are worth it. Audrey Bird appreciates your comments Mr Polko. - Mama Bird
PS Mama Bird is single for anyone over the age of 36!!!
True, time is money. But the more money you have the more time you spend trying to aquire even more of it. So in a way, they cancel each other out. I would rather be poor and live at the park like the rest of you fine people.
Some said it couldn't be done. Others just laughed in my face and said I was crazy. But I knew that if I stretched long enough, I could eat the underwear I was wearing while in the lotus position. -Jarod Kintz
Fingerskating is a popular sport. But I am the only person I know running finger marathons. I can run 26 miles on my fingers faster than I can type this paragraph. And the women love me. I'm the Roger Bannister of foreplay. -Jarod Kintz
Last night at dinner my girlfriend said I put her in an awkard position with her parents. Since when has doggystyle been an awkward position? Her mother wasn't complaining when her husband bent her over. -Jarod Kintz
I used to wear camouflage pants when I worked in landscape until Johnny hacked off my leg at the knee with the weedeater. But you should see how this new prosthetic limb doubles as an amazing shovel. -Jarod Kintz
I used to want to play for a jazz band called the bumblebees. Then i realized I was allergic to improv. I break out into hives just thinking about it. -Jarod Kintz
When my wife got pregnant, I loved setting the alarm clock in betwen her legs so the baby would get up at 4:30 every morning. For womb the bells toll. -Jarod Kintz
As an existentialist, I find that nothing matters to me, except my neurotic attempts to match the color of my sox to that of my excessively long nostril hairs. I, of course trim them. The sox, not the nosehairs. -Jarod Kintz
I read a book on existentialist axioms. It was blank. I disagreed with the premises, but could not erase tho thoughts from my mind. So I doodled in it with crayon and felt better about my life. -Jarod Kintz
Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming. -Jarod Kintz
Relationships are as delicate as old China. And the fastest way to shattter a relationship is to build a great wall between you and your partner. -Jarod Kintz
Some people have characters like wood, and they snap. Others have characters of steel, and they melt. I have a character of rubber, I am flexible and often involved in scandalous sex. -Jarod Kintz
To help dyslexic people think strait they should think upside down and write backwards. And if they are right handed they should write with their left hand and vice versa. And if they like apples they should switch to oranges. If they are gay they should become strait. -Jarod Kintz
That piece of ass balogna was so large it had its own governor. We could trim some of the fat and feed it to all seven of you in small sandwiches. But instead of eating it like a normal sandwich, we could shove it through your asses. I think it's a shorter distance to your stomach. -Jarod Kintz
If I were to have sex in a coffin, could the girl's silence be taken as consent? Who cares? They'll have to dig pretty deep to find the truth. -Jarod Kintz
Trying to get laid with the kind of girls I date is impossible. They are all into playing games. The last girl I took out made me play My Little Pony with her for an hour and a half. That's a real mood killer, especially when I have to change her diaper too. -Jarod Kintz
I hate picking up women in bars, especially if they are large. I almost gave myself a hernia last week trying to pick up some broad who was just exactly that, as well as tall too. -Jarod Kintz
The girl I just spoke to in the hallway might agree with me on this, but I think sex has changed completely from what it used to be five, maybe ten minutes ago. -Jarod Kintz
Dying echoes living in the same manner as the taking a shit in the toilet bowl echoes the expensive steak you ate last night. It makes kind of a gurgling sound. -Jarod Kintz
Lots of people write books on drugs. They write better when they are high, I guess. I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah," and "Ooooh that's it," and "Whose hands are those?" -Jarod Kintz
People say relatioships are built on trust. I say that relatioships are built on the concrete that all your former girlfriends found themselves mixed up in. -Jarod kintz
I just found out yesterday that I have been in a relatioship for over a year now. I feel bad I didn't get her anything for our anniversary. Maybe tomorrow I'll go buy her something for our two year anniversary tomorrow night. -Jarod Kintz
A lot of my old friends live in St. Patersburg, Fl, although due to alzheimers most can't remember who I am let alone if they just shit in their pants. -Jarod Kintz
I'm looking to start a band. I play air guitar, and I know a lead singer who can both lip sink and writes most of his stuff in sign language. We cater to the deaf, although we only have one fan right now (Although since he is paralyzed and I push around his wheelchair he is forced to listen to us). We're called the Violent Fingers of Helen Keller. We could use a third man who possesses both two arms and a functional bladder. -Jarod Kintz
I've been sitting here at my kitchen table, frigid llke a frightened deer as the light from my chandalier shines in my eyes. I'm staring at my watch. It's been 3:00 for the past fifteen years as the hands on my watch seem to be stuck in an eternal handshake exactly like the last embrace between my grandfather and I. I keep glancing at my turkey sandwich and thinking about death. The folds in the meat remind me of the creases on his face. I remember his cat, Spartacus, who was the size of a mailbox, and looked llike an oreo bomb had exploded and melted with matted fur. He loved that cat. So did I. My eyes dart to the left as Gunther, my crazy cat, jumps on the table and starts eating my sandwich. I hope he's hungry. After he finishes it, maybe he can eat me too. -Jarod Kintz
I like making love alone on the roof of my house. I just installed a skylight above the guest bedroom so I can enjoy my girlfriend "entertaining" our guests, which usually include small groups of men. -Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets. -Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets. -Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets. -Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets. -Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets. -Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend was more valuable to me than a hundred gallons of feces, only because we used recycled milk cartons, rather than buying new ones. -Jarod Kintz
I like to think of myself as 24% writer, 24% artist, 24% humorist, 24% philosopher, and 5% mathemitician, plus or minus 1% for error. Of course, those figures were based on a study I'd conducted in interviews in the bathroom mirror, and the bathroom is so small it doesn't leave much room for error. -Jarod Kintz
I like to laugh so hard my socks fall off, unless I'm wearing flip flops, then I laugh so hard my feet itch. Maybe it's from the laughing, or maybe it's the athlete's foot. -Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend looks like a mix between Maralyn Monroe and Pam Anderson, with a touch of John Cleese in there--ar least in the way she walks. It's vrey silly. -Jarod Kintz
Sketch: Two skinny company owners make a bet that their employees can lose the most combined weight. Then both owners go back to their people to tell them that they have to lose weight. The first guy has all fat people working for him. The second guy has all skinny people except for one fat guy. The second group of employees are all standing around in a curcle, and all of them are glaring at the fat guy as the owner is saying, "come on guys, we can do it. Big bonuses for everyone if we win." -Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend wants to get breast implants, but I'm not sure if I'd like that. She tells me they'd cost around $8,000. I was wondering if her new breasts would also come with a steering wheel? Because if I'm paying that kind of money for something I at least want to be able to drive it around. Also, she sleeps on her stomach, so I was wondering if we got the operation could we put the breasts on her back, so that I could have something to play with while she's asleep? And finally, do you know where I can get it done at discount prices? Maybe buy one breast get the second one half off. I look forward to hearing back from you. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Your hair product smells so devine that sometimes I start crying thinking about it. I cry because I am bald, and I have no hair to lather up. Never again will I feel your soft shampoo work itself through my hair and engulf my fingers as it used to. The only time I get to enjoy your shampoo now is at pot luck dinners, where I bring a desert crafted from Suave shampoo. It saddens me that I am the only one who eats it. Nobody wants to eat the dish that the bald man brings. Hey, at least there's no hair in my food, unlike the popular Vanessa, and her lasagna, where I always find a stringy hair every time I eat it. I don't think she uses your product, and I can't accept her as a person because of that. I am thinking of buying wigs, not to wear, but solely to wash every morning in the shower just to have the Suave experienve before I start my day. I just thought I'd let you guys know how much you mean to me. Even though the bald man is probably seen as the enemy at your corporate offices, I am your most commited customer. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I think I can see into the future. It's crazy, but I actually knew during the last sentence what I was going to write in this sentence just seconds before the period came. I'm like that all the time. I once foresaw my neighbor's house getting vandalized weeks before it happened. Preperation is the key to not getting caught. So is not leaving your pants with your wallet and license in them on the master bedroom floor while you roll around naked on their sheets, while you sing the theme song to Golden Girls. But that's just speculation on my part. Well, I gotta go, but I'm sure you already knew that. Good luck in the future, Jarod Kintz
How many goats can you typically fit in your largest moving van? Why do the seats of your vans smell like burnt cheese? Back when my family first moved to this country there was not enough cheese to go around. Nor goats, but one goat could have been shared among five grown men, each taking their turn in decending order of age (it gets cold and lonely in Wyoming). I wish clothes were made of cheese, and shoes were made of bread. That way if I were stuck in the desert I could still have a grilled cheese sandwich. And moving would be easy, all I'd need would be the cheese on my back. Of course, I don't like moldy clothes, so I'd not have a dressor, but a refrigerator. I am thinking of moving to Wisconsin. I have about a half a ton of cheddar cheese to move. Are your vans refrigerated? I depart as soon as you reply. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
You're a religious guy, right? Do you think that heaven is full of angels, buffets, mansions, and midgets playing white pianos like my mother says? I'm sure glad there is no literal "Stairway to Heaven" as Led Zeppelin says, because if there were, and I made it all the way to the top step, I'd probably get so excited that I'd pull out my slinky and set it loose and follow it all the way back down to earth. I'm like that. I'm a follower. I follow Jesus. Jesus was like a slinky, he just took one step at a time so us mere mortals could keep up. He wanted us to come and follow him. Did you know that Jesus died 1,912 years before the invention of the slinky? Do you think we all should aspire to be more like a slinky, and just take one step at a time? Or will the slinky lead us on a downward path, and we'll all have eternal damnation for following one? If so, I might switch to playing with LEGOs. Unless you feel LEGOs are immoral too. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Don't get me wrong, I love living here in Florida, but I feel like I need a change. If I could live anywhere in the world, I'd probably want to live in a vending machine in an abandoned warehouse. My neighbor would be a Kit Kat bar. Would it be weird to want to eat your neighbor? I couldn't have any dogs, because my chocolate neighbors could kill my dogs if they ate one. I generally don't like it when my dogs eat my neighbors (with the obvious exception of the Wilsons), but in this case I really wouldn't like it. Do you know if I had a party, would everyone have to pay a dollar to enter my vending machine neighborhood? It'd be the ultimate gated community. I look forward to your reply. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Back before Edison invented the light bulb, if someone had an idea did a candle light up above their head? I'm sure glad that he invented the light bulb because I have lots of ideas. And most of them occur while huffing gasoline, and gasoline and candles don't mix too well. Not like vodka and orange juice mix, which also helps me enerate ideas. Sometimes I drink so much I lose my balance, which isn't good for business seing as I'm a tightrope walker. I just sort of fell into the business after the last guy fell out the business, and into the treacherous depths of Niagara Falls. It's a fine line to walk when judgine how much to drink. I'm sure Edison would have made a great tightrope walker. I always sweat profusely while walking across Niagara Falls. Edison intuitively knew what I go through when he said, "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration." While I may not be a tightrope walking genius, I do perspire enough to be considered at least brilliant. Funny thing about my business is, nobody who watches me wants to see me reach the other side. They all want to see me step over the line into a tumultuous, watery grave. Well, I gotta run now, or rather walk, very, very slowly. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Back before Edison invented the light bulb, if someone had an idea did a candle light up above their head? I'm sure glad that he invented the light bulb because I have lots of ideas. And most of them occur while huffing gasoline, and gasoline and candles don't mix too well. Not like vodka and orange juice mix, which also helps me enerate ideas. Sometimes I drink so much that I lose my balance, which isn't good for business seing as I'm a tightrope walker. I just sort of fell into the business after the last guy fell out the business, and into the treacherous depths of Niagara Falls. It's a fine line to walk when judging how much to drink. I'm sure Edison would have made a great tightrope walker. I always sweat profusely while walking across Niagara Falls. Edison intuitively knew what I go through when he said, "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration." While I may not be a tightrope walking genius, I do perspire enough to be considered at least brilliant. The funny thing about my business is, nobody who watches me wants to see me reach the other side. They all want to see me step over the line into a tumultuous, watery grave. Well, I gotta run now, or rather walk, very, very slowly. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I am a total outdoorsy kind of guy. I'm also a certified chocolate fiend. Whenever I'm in the woods I think about those unfortunate people who, for whatever reason, are forced to cut off one of their limbs to survive. Then I think, hey, how cool would it be if one of their arms were made of chocolate. Then not only would they be able to free themselves, but they'd also have a delicious reward for being so brave. Are you planning on branching out into the prosthetic limb industry anytime soon? I'd love to eat my own elbow, especially if it was made of milk chocolate and had chunks of nuts in it. Even if you don't reply, I'll still continue to buy your candy bars. Best of luck, Jarod Kintz
every night when I dream, I dream that my hair looks like you. And every morning I wake up disappointed. I've dyed my hair many shades to get it the exact hue of you, but I still can't get it styled to look as good as you. Next time Donald goes to his hair stylist, can you beg him to send me some of his clippings? Of all the celebrity hair out there, you are the most unique and have the most personality. I've often considered scalping Donald just so that we could be together. Oh wouldn't it be great? Just the two of us sitting on the beach, as the scent of you wafts up my nostrils as I hold you close to my nose, and every breath I take is filtered by your fragrance. I would give up my forehead to be with you. Donald doesn't appreciate you like I would. We were meant for each other. I know you can't write back, and Donald is probably reading this right now. I'm sorry Donald, I'm in love with your hair. Yours truly, Jarod Kintz
I am pleased to announce that on the thirteenth of June, between noon and 12:15 p.m., Mr. Fizzlebush and I will be arriving at your magnificent zoo. Yes, I did say that I was arriving with the legendary Mr. Fizzlebush. Unfortunately, due to time constraints, and the fact that he can't hold a pen in his tiny paws, Mr. Fizzlebush will not be able to sign autographs. But he will be available to take some provocative pictures with the finest felines in your facility. To not draw too much of a spectacle in your zoo, both Mr. Fizzlebush and myself will dress covertly. I will be dressed in all green spandex with a giant shell on my back, and Mr. Fizzlebush wil be dressed like Humphrey Bogart's piano in Casablanca. Of all the zoos, in all the towns, in all the world, we're coming to yours. On a side note, Mr. Fizzlebush's costume will likely be rented, and probably out of tune and not musical at all, so unfortunately I won't be able to play a little ditty for you on the piano. See you soon. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Your food is delicious! Every Time I eat there I never feel like vomiting afterwards, although I force myself to anyway. And it's not because I'm a Communist either, which I'm not, but only because I abhor the color red. I'd also rather not share a meal with a socialist if I had the option of dining alone or with a Capitolist. Mr. Fizzlebush is a Capitolist, but only because he is afraid of Karl Marx's beard and stern look. He is also afraid of tall hats, which means that every Halloween I dress up like Abe Lincoln and scare the you know what out of him. And he always does his business right on my favorite rug too. And it's usually a big business too--that's also how I know he's a Capitolist. But to my point, I will be dining at your establishment this Thursday the 23rd, and I will be bringing Mr. Fizzlebush. I was wondering if you could have all your servers, both male and female, at your Gainesville location, dress like Abe Lincoln? It will be great! Mr. Fizzlebush's fear is so great that I've owed him five dollars for the past year over a bet on who the first President of the U.S was (I know it is inconsequential, as life in general is, but how was I to know that Jean-Paul Sartre was not a President, let alone even an American?). So I've owed him this five dollar bill this whole time, yet he won't take it because Abe's image is on there. I hope you decide to comply with this prank, and I promise to tip well (I'm dying to get rid of this five dollar bill). If you don't respond I'll assume by your silence that you are going into stealth mode for this prank so that Mr. Fizzlebush doesn't find out. I look forward to next Thursday. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Your car is out of this world. Three planets over to be exact. Sometimes I wish I could drive your car around the sun. I'd probably need lots of sunscreen though (I burn easily. Just ask my friends, who turned the oven on when they discovered I was hiding there during last week's game of hide-n-seek). I think you guys should create a super SUV calle "The Comet." Then it would be socially aceptable to crash into random things and places here on Earth. Let me know what you think of my new concept car. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I would very much like to go on one of your cruises, but I have certain accommodations that need to be made before I book my trip. I need a room large enough to comfortably fit a King sized bed, as well as a King (Juan Carlos of Spain). Juan is afraid of people and will only come aboard incognito. He will be arriving in the costume of a small cat, and answer to the pseudonym of "Mr. Fizzlebush." He will need his litter box changed daily, the finest dry cat food, and 14 bottles of your finest champagne (He is royalty after all). His majesty Juan Carlos is not to be touched, but if he does decide to lick a crew member's face, they will be expected to kneel and grovel at his paws. I hope you won't turn your back on a royal customer. We look forward to sailing with you soon. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Let's assume that I could travel at the speed of light, and that I happened to got my girlfriend pregnant and than flew off 80 light years into the future. But on my way into the future I gave advice to my son about death, and how to accept your final hours. Since we know that light travels faster than the speed of sound, would he get the message from me on his deathbed, 80 years in the future? Or less, since sound also has a speedy velocity to it, and is not simply waiting still for the past to catch up? I hope you can clarify things for me since I think I mighthave knocked my girlfriend up last night. thank you, Jarod Kintz
If I could throw a punch faster than the speed of light, and I got into a fight and punched some guy, would my fist hit him in the past, before we even got into an argument? That would be ultimate way to fight--beat them up even before they think about opening their mouth. What about if instead of vocal chords, I had light chords, and my words came out in light instead of sound. Would I then be able to give advice in the present that would only be heard in the very recent past? Also, would people then be able to read my voice, because they would not hear it, but would see it? I could also talk to the deaf, and in the dark I could find the key hole to my door just by coughing. I'm thinking of surgically installing light switches in my throat so I'd appreciate it if you could tell me if my premises are correct. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
To me, life is either chocolate or not. I like to think of myself as half chocolate, half cat. I am every woman's best friend. Women prefer a night with me over great sex anytime (God knows I can't help them with the great sex). If there were a mythical creature that was half dog, half squirrel would he die if he ate a chocolate bar filled with nuts? Or would he be the ultimate mythical creature that went around consuming the world's candy and saving American kids from juvenile diabetes? I don't know, but I bet if you ate him he'd be stringy and only good for stew. We should talk to some genetic scientists and try to create this new creature that only eats candy bars with nuts. It would be good business for you and for all the tubby teenagers across this great country of ours. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Someone once asked me if I prefer chocolate bars or sex? Of course I said yes, but I had to clarify that I do not like sex with chocolate bars because it's a little too kinky for me. My girlfriend is tired of not getting great sex (our dog keeps eating her dildo), so I was wondering if you could make a dildo out of chocolate. Our dog will regret eating that chocolate dildo if that's the last thing he does, which it probably will be. And if the new dildo gets eaten and brown dog doesn't die, somebody grab me a glass of milk because I'll be really thirsty. I look forward to hearing about the development of our new product. thank you, Jarod Kintz
It seems that we are on the verge of a fast food feudal war. You claim to be the burger King, yet it is I who lay rightful claim to the royal thrown of all greasy patties, regardless of whether they are thinly disguised by a layer of pseudo cheese. We must decide who keeps the title. We must have a duel, using the most ancient of weapons: a single slice of processed cheese, and no more than two katchup packets. Meet me behind the dumpster at the San Jose burger King in Jax, Fl. Like a cheese single, there can be only one. Down with your monarchy of mass produced hamburgers. Have a great day, Jarod Kintz
If there were a candle the size and shape of the Empire State building, and it burned down, do you think the people of New York City would drown in wax? I would rather burn alive than live life as a candle. But if I was one of your candles I wouldn't need to wear deodorant because I'd always smell great. And I'd finally be welcome in a woman's bedroom. Women would finally find me romantic. When I was growing up, other boys wanted to be policemen and firemen. Not me, I always wanted to be a candle. But after I burned down my second house in six months, mother made me change my aspirations. Now I work with the homeless. That's right, I'm unemployed. When you're homeless there is always an abundance of time, and never enough money to burn (I still like burning things). Well, I gotta skedaddle, the fire department will be here at any moment. Take care, Jarod Kintz
You have no idea how great it feels to be writing to you right now. I just recently got the use of my fingers back. For over six months I was paralyzed from the wrist down. That meant I couldn't play the piano. Not that I know how to play the piano, but I wanted to try it really bad while I was an eight digit decrepit (I lost two fingers to the Yakuza). I also lost the ability to count, not from the fall, but because I can only count on my fingers. Now that I have the use of my fingers back, I am writing you to encourage you to lobby the food manufacturers to switch from the metric system, which uses a base ten system, to my new "eccentric system," which uses a base eight. This would make measurements drastically easier for everybody who is operating in life with only eight fingers. Also, is it just me, or do you also think that the week should have eight days, and not seven days in it? The extra day could be used for fishing or playing the piano, or rest or whatever. A second Sabbath. I look forward to hearing what your inquiries on the switch of major manufacturers to a base eight system lead to. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I have always been a connoisseur of cutlery, as well as spoons, ranging in antiquity from contemporary to ancient. And it is the natural progression of a spoon collector to advance to collecting unopened, mint condition yogurt containers. Considering that I just started collecting yogurt containers two years ago, it is mildly remarkable that I now have over 40,000 unopened and out of date (this makes them a rarity and increases intrinsic value) yogurt containers. I was wondering if you were going to come out with a limited edition collector's yogurt container this year? The members of YAYA (Young American Yogurt Association), of which there are two of us--Mr. Fizzlebush and myself--would be willing to pay top dollar to obtain a pallet of them if you were to come out with them. As a contrarian, I believe you've got to do the opposite of what the masses are doing to be sucessful, and nobody is investing in yogurt now. Not even the Oracle of Omaha, Warren Buffet, sees the future value of unopened, out of date yogurt. I look forward to hearing about the collector's edition yogurt. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
If I had an eyeball on each foot, would you make glasses for me that had glasses embedded in the tongue? well, fortunately for both of us, I don't have an eyeball on each foot. But I do have two feet growing out of my forehead. A lot of people are grossed out by feet, and they fear giving me eye contact. I was wondering if you could make me a pair of glasses that had tennis shoes attached to the frame? This way, people would be compelled, out of curiosity, to look me in the face. I hope to hear back from you soon. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Everyday Americans are killing the environment. Gasoline is hurting mother nature. And I'm not innocent either. Just yesterday, using only two gallons of gasoline, I burnt down an entire forest. It's time to change. It's time to make a difference in the way we look at our natural resources. We're running out of oil. We need to find something else. I feel that a great untapped resource is animals. There are lots of animals we could burn. And trees too! Think about it. Your call stalls on the interstate--just chop down a tree, or pick up that road kill lying in the highway and shove it in your gas tank, and off you go. This is the new America. Together we can make a difference. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I think you should change your mascot from a gator to the mathematical sign, "Greater Than," known symbolically as: >. Florida State could be the "Less Than" sigh, <, instead of the Seminoles. That way, when you two play, the newspaper headline on the day after the game might read, "Florida Greaters greater than Less Than, but not equal to." Let me know what you think. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I am thinking about buying a homeowners insurance policy, but I am very confused. While I am a farmer (well, more of a gardener), I don't have a farm that would qualify as a state. If I had a farm the size of Nebraska, could I get your insurance? What about one the size of Rhode Island? The size ratio between Rhode Island and Nebraska is roughly the same ratio as my garden is to the surface area of the top of my dresser where I keep my garden (my garden is actually just a potted flower, but I do cultivate it and share my beer with it every morning before I drive to work). Speaking of driving, I would also like to purchase auto insurance. Out of all the cars I've owned, I've never been in an accident in one of them. While it is true that I have never owned or bought a car, I am proud to say that I have been in fewer than a dozen high speed chases, with only about half as many fatalities (but thankfully no damage to the car I was in). So do I still qualify for State Farm Insurance being only a single flower farmer? I hope so, and I look forward to your reply. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I just got an insurance rejection letter from State Farm. They say I drive like a caveman, and when I called customer service, the phone rep said that he didn't care who Mr. Fizzlebush was, he could go eat a lizard for all he cares. The phone rep obviously didn't realize that Mr. Fizzlebush is highly allergic to lizards. I like how you say "fifteen minutes could save me fifteen percent." And if you also reject me, fifteen percent of zero is zero. But I'll still be driving around in the streets, so you might as well take my money. I already didn't pay for the car, and I just chopped two Mercedes last week so I'm flush with cash. I hope we can work out a policy. Let me know if we can reach an agreement. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
You might be very excited to know that Mr. Fizzlebush is turning four soon. And I want to throw him a birthday party he won't soon forget (although he does suffer from short term memory loss). I want to rent out one of your theaters, but I want you to play a different kind of movie than what is advertised on TV. You see, Mr. Fizzlebush is a little crazy, and a little wild. Well, I'll just come out and say it. Mr. Fizzlebush is into bestiality. Do you have any movies in stock that contain nude feline scenes? Also, for the party, can we bring our own clown or will you provide one? If you do provide one, the clown specifications are as follows: no taller than 3'11", safe operator on a unicycle, and fully knowledgeable about the internal organs of all domesticated animals. I look forward to partying with you. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Have you guys ever had brain freeze? I haven't, but all my friends have. I've got all their grey matter frozen in my freezer. People think I'm crazy. I have a really hard time keeping friends. I keep running out of space in my freezer. So I started storing their vital body parts in tubs of your ice-cream at local supermarkets. Don't worry, it doesn't taint the flavor. If anything, it enhances and brings out excitement and flares the senses. That is if you don't vomit after seeing a piece of someone's cerebellum in your spoon. I just wanted to say thanks for being so cool and providing me with an endless source of storage units. Thanks again, Jarod Kintz
Thanks to you guys I have found the love of my life. I'm very much single and loving every minute of it. Every morning I wake up with someone I deeply care about. And I always get the best sleep when I sleep alone because nobody's there to steal the covers. But it wouldn't have been possible without your compatibility test. I found that I have exactly the same traits that I find desireable in a human being. I don't know if I'm quite ready to commit yet, but I am thinking about marriage. And the best thing is, there will be no argument on where to go for the honeymoon. Well, I have to get ready for my date tonight. Tonight there's no compromise either--I'm eating Italian! Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I think you should change your mascot from a gator to the mathematical sign, "Greater Than," known symbolically as: >. Florida State could be the "Less Than" sign, <, instead of the Seminoles. That way, when you two play, the newspaper headline on the day after the game might read, "Florida Greaters greater than Less Than, but not equal to." Let me know what you think. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I just got back from visiting the legendary radio personality, Robbie Raggs, in Meridian Mississippi. While I was out there, I was shocked to discover that there was no Hooters. I also know that Meridian is a Military town. And, as any soldier will tell you, boobies don't belong on the battlefield, they belong in a Hooters t-shirt (or out of one), and they should be accompanied by two arms carrying a plate of hot wings in one hand, and a beer in the other. Boobies, beer and hot wings, what more could a soldier want (aside from not getting shot)? So I am begging you to open up a Hooters in Meridian. It's good for business, and also, I have a theory that boobies help improve eye sight as well (some men, myself included, can see a nice pair from upwards of 800 meters). So save the soldier's eye sight and bring the Hooter's franchise to Meridian. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
You are such a wonderful corporation that I think you should have a picnic for all your employees and a few privelaged customers (wink, wink, quack, quack). Just in case you decide to hold the picnic, I am RSVPing right now, and I will be attending dressed as a giant duck. It would be marvelously fun if you could throw me chunks of your delicious bread as I snap them up with my beak. But, please, only throw bread. At the last company picnic I attended, some of the crueler corporate executives took to throwing heavier things at me such as hot dogs, whole watermelons, and even a few Trombones (it was a music retailer's picnic). I look forward to a full day of fun, and a stomach full of soggy bread. Yours Truly, Jarod Kintz
Hello, my name is Jarod, and I am a costume jazz musician. I would like to apply to perform at your next corporate function. My band name is "Good Elephantses Make Good Neighbors" (We all dress in elephant costumes). Jazz and Blues, as you are probably already aware of, are born out of sadness. We are method musicians, or we actually submerge ourselves in our characters before every performance. The best thing for a jazz performance would be ultimate sadness and anger. And what is saddest thing that could happen to an elephant? Well, if that elephant were allergic to peanuts, that would be pretty sad. So me and my band will all be playing that day from the perspective that we are depressed and angry that we ate peantus and we broke out in rashes. And Tommy, the pianist, always takes it a little too far, so it might be helpful if you don't have your peanut mascot present that day. I look forward to hearing back from you about further booking questions. Thank you, JArod Kintz
Hello, my name is Jarod Kintz, but you can call be Jarod. Do you mind if I call you Lou? How about Big Lou? Big Lou, I've always been into women's purses, usually while they weren't looking, so it seems only natural now that I should want to design them. Working together, me and you, Big Lou, I hope to design the world's largest purse. It will be roughly the size and shape of a Boeing 747, except it will have your logo across the wings and fin. And on the promotional first flight, the only people allowed on the plane will have to come dressed in costume as giant Louis Vuitton wallets. You may be thinking, who is the market for one of these "super purses?" as I like to call it. Well, Elton John for one. And the best part is, unless Lockheed Martin goes into the black market, this will be your least bootlegged purse ever. I don't know about you, but I don't see too many street vendors hawking fake Delta planes at the flea markets. I hope you see the value of developing a super purse, and I look forward to doing business with you. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Hello, my name is Jarod Kintz, but you can call be Jarod. Do you mind if I call you Lou? How about Big Lou? Big Lou, I've always been into women's purses, usually while they weren't looking, so it seems only natural now that I should want to design them. Working together, me and you, Big Lou, I hope to design the world's largest purse. It will be roughly the size and shape of a Boeing 747, except it will have your logo across the wings and fin. And on the promotional first flight, the only people allowed on the plane will have to come dressed in costume as giant Louis Vuitton wallets. You may be thinking, who is the target market for one of these "super purses?" as I like to call them. Well, Elton John for one. And the best part is, unless Lockheed Martin goes into the black market, this will be your least bootlegged purse ever. I don't know about you, but I don't see too many street vendors hawking fake Delta planes at the flea markets. I hope you see the value of developing a super purse, and I look forward to doing business with you. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I am a Project Runway megafan (due to my enlarged body mass), and I think I'd make a great contestant on your show. Here's why. Last week I had a Birthday party gig (I am a male stripper) at the Jacksonville zoo, for which I handmade myself a banana birthday suit (just the peel over my you know what). Little did I know that Raul, the birthday boy, was a fourteen-year-old chimpanzee. I've never taken so much crap as I did that afternoon, but the monkeys loved me. I make all my stripping costumes, and I feel I can design fantastic plus size dresses (I made my own wedding dress too, although I am still single and waiting). My suitcases are packed (I made those also), and I leave as soon as you affirmatively reply. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
People always ask me if I could be reborn as any part of anybody's body, which body part would I be, and of whom? That's easy, I always say. I'd pick Hugh Heffner, and I think you know what body part I'd like to be, wink, wink. That's right, I'd like to be your gall bladder. I think about your digestive system all the time while I'm at work, even though I'm unemployed. I've even got a pet nickname for your gall bladder. I call him Wilt (although this could aptly be applied to another piece of your anatomy). I can't help but wonder if you appreciate your gall bladder as much as I do. Well, do you? If not, you owe it to society to donate it to a charity. The Jarod Kintz Gall Bladder Foundation comes to mind. We don't waste our gall bladders on needy kids at our charity, we put them in glass jars and put them on display for all to gawk at. We're a little ahead of the curve yet, and the general public hasn't caught on to the greatness of the gall bladdder. I hope to hear back from you soon, and I hope you'll donate your gall bladder. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I'm thinking about starting my own search engine, but I don't know what kind of oil to use, or what kind of filter. I'd like to filter out the pornography, but porn is so prolific online that my filter would have to be very large and a few midgets would inevitably slip past the large filter holes as well. And everything I do I do for the little man. So how can I filter out the pornography, midget porn included, yet still maintain a midget demographic? I look forward to your reply. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I feel that ther's no better place to take a date than your fine steakhouse. Well, aside from my local cemetary. That's where I take a girl on our first date so we can ponder our mortality. I usually ask the girl to meet me there, and I show up dressed like a Spanish Conquistador, and hide amongst the Spanish moss in a large oak tree. And I bring a generator-powered fog machine too, just to enhance the moment. The fastest way to get a girl out of her panties is to make her crap her pants, at least in my personal experience. The kind of women who usually show up at the cemetary are like how I like my steaks: rare. Rare, but not bleeding--the women I mean. Nobody likes a bloody date, except for the English. But lots of people like a bloody steak. Would you agree that the two essential things that one must have on a date would be A1 sauce and toilet paper? Well, I have a date tonight and I've got to get my costume ready. talk to you soon. Best, Jarod Kintz
What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser, that's why he's number two. You have to be better than the best. That's why I think you guys should change your name to Better Than Best Buy. Let everybody know you're not just the best, you're better than the best. This is an old woman on the edge of the stairs kind of marketing campaign. All you need is a good push to make a killing. Let me know if you decide to use my idea. Best,or Better Than Best, Jarod Kintz
It's been said that a man trapped in his own mind is not a man, he's an animal. Do you know who said that? My nephew, just before he went crazy in his isolated cell. After that, most of us, Uncle Tabitha aside, felt really awful about having him committed in the asylum. Aside from his breath that smelled like the cream cheese I used to keep in my gym socks in middle school, and his odd habit of wearing his underwear on the outside of his sweaters, he really wasn't all that bad. He was a ventriloquist by trade, and he used to scream at his mother, my sister, and make it look like I was yelling at her (Which I always found odd because I'm a mime by profession, even though I'm quite unprofessional). But he's doing better now that he lost his voice, his job, and his entire collection of Scooby Doo paraphernalia, and he is now living comfortably in the bushes in our backyard. He bathes occasionally in the bird feeder, and we feed him bird seed everyday. But I am writing to you today because I am wondering how much bird seed should you normally feed an abnormal, or just plain crazy, man? I look forward to your response soon. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
If a man with multiple personality disorder has two pairs of ears, four arms, four arms, and four Cingular phones, he could, under your friends and family plan, talk to himself all day long for free, couldn't he? I'm not asking for myself, I'm asking for a friend of mine. What? Oh, right, a friend of ours. Yes, that does include you, Jimmy. Sorry, I'm back. We look forward to hearing from you soon about our, I mean my, question. Thank you, Jarod Kintz & friends
Yesterday my friend called me a monkey head. I got enraged and said some pretty nasty things, among which I might have actually called her a banana brain. She then called me a cannibal, asking if that meant that I wanted to eat her brain? I angrily retorted, "Not unless I have foot cramps." Lucky for her I didn't, otherwise I just might have cracked her skull and spooned her to death. What is it about bananas that invokes primitive violence in people? How many bananas does it take to start a fight? None, probably, bananas only finish fights. Parents are worried about their kids watching TV and playing videogames. I think the real rise in crime is directly linked to any increase in banana consumption. They say a monkey could endlessly tap on a keyboard and randomly produce Shakespeare. I think that a banana could willfully kill more people than Stalin. In fact, Stalin might have been under the influence of bananas. I hope you sleep safe at night knowing full well of your negative impact on society. Yours truly, Jarod Kintz
If a man with multiple personality disorder has two pairs of ears, four arms, four mouths, and four Cingular phones, he could, under your friends and family plan, talk to himself all day long for free, couldn't he? I'm not asking for myself, I'm asking for a friend of mine. What? Oh, right, a friend of ours. Yes, that does include you, Jimmy. Sorry, I'm back. We look forward to hearing from you soon about our, I mean my, question. Thank you, Jarod Kintz & friends
It must be wonderful to be as musical as you are. I'm not at all musical. Even if I had ears for eyes I still couldn't read music. If I had that I'd be blind as a bat, but I'd be Beethoven. My cousin's a musical prodigy. He's also blind as a bat, and he lives in a cave where he orchestrates his masterpieces. He works a lot with echos as well as strange screeching noises. He explained his musical theory to me, but I must confess it was over my head (and not just because he was hanging upside down from the cave ceiling either). He's basically a mixture of Batman and Beethoven. He's Beethman! You definitely need to recruit him for your school. He could revolutionize music as we know it. If you need to get in touch with him, I'll show you which cave he dwells in. I look forward to hearing back from you soon. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
If the ocean was my home, and I had fish for neighbors, would I stil be able to eat them like I do now? Not the fish, but the neighbors, who also happen to be fish. It's not that I hate neighbors, because with a little Old Bay and some butter, they can be quite tasty. Your theme park has inspired me. I want to open up tours along the largest Aquarium in the world, the Pacific Ocean. But I am superstitious. Last week I spilled some salt water, and to reverse the bad luck, I threw a bucket full of salt water over my left shoulder. Unfortunately for me, the group of investors I was talking to, happened to be right behind me, and dressed like slugs, so our deal quickly shrivelled up. I was wondering if you'd financially back me to open up this new walking tour of the Pacific Ocean? Instead of paying me by the hour, you could pay me by the yard. And I'd just walk up and down the beach talking to people about ocean life. I hope you decide to invest in this exciting new opportunity. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
What's black and white and read all over? A penguin book in this modern blender of a society. I call it a blender of a society because it is such a mixture of ignorant people and educated people. Lots of people today aren't about appreciating a person with a big Dickens collection, but thanks to you my "collection," as all my ex girlfriends call it has grown well over two inches! I just wanted to let you know that you have greatly enhanced my sex life as well. Nothing beats great sex, except of course a great book. Yours Truly, Jarod Kintz
I've heard it said that Taco Bell's meat is the same quality as dog food, but I've never made a burrito out of dog food that tasted as great as one from Taco Bell. Do you sell higher end dog food that I might be able to make a better burrito out of? On a seperate note, they say that dogs are man's best friend. Do you think that a creature who was half man, half dog would be the loneliest being because he was his own best friend, or the happiest being? I hope to hear back from you soon on the higher end beef. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Popcorn always makes me think of my youth. Mother used to make us pack popcorn when we would take really long trips. That way, when the U.S. mailmen threw around the boxes we were traveling in, we didn't break that many bones. I used to love being surrounded by popcorn so much that sometimes I even wished I could be some popcorn. But then I reconsidered because I don't like being shoved in the microwave too much. Those are some of my least favorite childhood memories. Good thing I didn't have my braces on at the times I spent in the microwave. I now have a phobia of microwaves, so sadly I haven't been able to pop any of your wonderful popcorn in years. Is there any way I can pop your bags of popcorn without using the microwave? Frightfully yours, Jarod Kintz
For the past year I've been trying to set a world record. After thousands of broken plates, rejection letters, bowling ball injuries, and many other fiascos, I think I may have that perfect idea. But I'll need your help to achieve it. Together, I'd like to design and build the world's largest suspension bridge/roast beef sandwish. By the time of it's completion in the year 2020, it will span from New York City to London, England. We'll also need to partner up with Ziplock to ensure that our bridge doesn't start to rot over the course of many hot summers. This should not only bring you fantastic publicity, but it will also bring me my much coveted Guinness world record. With your go ahead I'd like to start building after my nap tomorrow afternoon. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Everywhere I go, people assume I'm from Las Vegas. And it's not entirely because I dress and do my hair like Elvis, or drive a pink Cadillac. No, I'm not an impersonator of his, I've just inherited a natural style and sex appeal from nature, and a pink Cadillac from my Grandmother. But the main reason I exude a Vegas demeanor is because I'm a compulsive gambler. I bet on anything and everything--things like if it's going to rain tomorrow, what time if it does, and will anybody be run over by a bus tonight? You know, the odds go up greatly that somebody will get hit if you're driving the bus. Well, I am driving the bus--all the way to Vegas, baby. And I hope to stay at your hotel. But since there are so many fraudulent people in Vegas who look like me, I'll be doing a complete makeover of my appearance just for the trip. I'll be dressed like Jack Nicholson doing a Robert Downey Jr. impression of Whoopi Goldberg. Basically, I'll look like a vagrant, a homeless person. But to get to the point of this email, I'm wondering how much it will cost to book a bench of yours for the weekend, taking into account the fact that I'll be bringing my own newspapers to sleep with? I look forward to your reply. Best, Jarod Kintz
Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries. I once tried to stab my brother with a French fry, but he was too cunning for that. He deftly jumped out of the way and countered with a juicy pickle. You can never fully appreciate life until you've stared death in it's slimy, green eye. I'm writing to ask you what your historical opinion would be if the Red sea were made of ketchup, and when Moses parted it, what would be the outcome if the Egyptians all got off their chariots/hot dog vending carts and took the time to enjoy the condiment? How would this single event have changed the street vending history of the world? I look forward to your reply, and keep up making the world's finest ketchup. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I like your chips so much that sometimes I wish everything I owned were made out of your chips. Except my shoes, because I don't like crushed chips as much as whole chips. And also not Mr. Fizzlebush either, because his fur is soft and silky and your chips are coarse and rough. But maybe Mr. Fizzlebush's tongue could be a Frito Lay chip because it already is coarse and rough and then when he licks my plate of food I wouldn't mind eating it afterwards. But the pertinent reason I am writing to you today is I think you guys need to relocate to Silicon valley. You guys need to start making computer chips. I think my computer would run faster if I dumped a bag of your chips onto the motherboard. And indeed that's what I did, but I think that the dip I dumped on later fried some of the circuits. You could make the world's first edible computer, or just the computer chips I’d love to go to a gas station to buy a bag of computer chips. No longer would people die of heart attacks, they’d die because their stomachs got so smart they took over their bodies only to have a mutiny of the other body parts out of intellectual jealousy and the stomach, along with the rest of everyone’s bodies, would starve to death. This is exciting! I anxiously look forward to seeing a new Frito Lay computer, or just the computer chips on the market soon. Best, Jarod Kintz
I've always wanted to be a professional dog walker, but I'm just not good on all fours. And my Mr. Fizzlebush moves more like a bear than a cat, but he only eats dog food and he only dates women who speak English as a second language. English is not his native tongue, his is a bit rougher, and much more pink. But we both want to be professional dog walkers, but neither one of us know the first thing about modeling. I've heard of models learning how to walk the catwalk, but where does one go to learn how to dog walk? I feel that I could be the poster child for urban canine clothing, and I can't hardly wait for your reply. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I don't know if you've heard the exciting news yet, but I'll be moving back down to Gainesville in less than four months. And I am hoping to lease a two bedroom apartment with my friend and business partner, Mr. Fizzlebush. We own our own company, Beach Bathrooms. It's based on a simple concept really. Everyone likes to go to the bathroom in the ocean, but not everybody has access to the world's largest toilet also known as the ocean, so we bring that pure elation that accompanies going to the bathroom at the beach to all landlocked people. It's basically nothing more than sand and a box, but it greatly conserves on people's water bill. I know what you're thinking, "hey, that sounds a lot like a litter box. And litter boxes mean pets, and we don't allow pets here at Oakbrook Walk." Well yes, it basically is like a litter box, but what does the term "pet" mean anyway? We at Beach Bathrooms believe that a pet is anyone or anything that you love enough to scoop their excrement out of a tiny box every morning. And I guess that makes each and every one of my customers (my Grandma is our only customer so far. We talked her into trading in her old bed pan for our newest model that's shaped like a kitchen sink for all those culinary people) his or her own pet. So I'm hoping you won't consider me my own pet, and allow Mr. Fizzlebush and I to move in at the end of the summer. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Last night I had a Birthday party, and the speakers I bought at one of your stores was thumping so loud that they blew out my ear drums like candles on my cake, which was strange because I didn't have any candles on my cake this year. This not being able to hear thing is a terrible nuisance. What is a decibal anyways? Haha, I'm always catching things like this. I get a cold every year like clockwork in Switzerland. So how long will this lack of hearing last? Should I just drink lots of orange juice and get lots of sleep and ust wait it out? Please respond by email because i won't be able to hear the phone ring. Best, Jarod Kintz
I enjoy food for thought, especially if it's a buffet. Sometimes I think so much I throw up. But then I always go back up and hit the ice cream machine. I love your rolls, they are a major motivating force in my life. As an intellectual I find war strongly distasteful, yet I know that it is sadly a part of every society. But I believe that the key to global peace lies not in diplomacy or intellectual persuits, but in your soft rolls with their hint of honey that slides across your tongue just a few moments after that smooth buttery taste dissolves into sweet perfection. I think soldiers should be armed not with guns, but with baskets full of your rolls that they would hurl into hostile enemy forces thus forcing them to displace their hate with culinary elation. I also think we should change the American symbol from an Eagle to the Golden Coral Roll. I'm starting a petition, and I'm hosting a buffet banquet--at your San Jose location in Jacksonville, Fl. I hope your corporate executives will count themselves part of the peaceful revolution. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
If there were no instruments and no voices in the world, would man's ears be merely for decoration? Ears are funny looking when you take them as stand alone objects, they are not aesthetically fit for decoration. I'd much rather decorate my house with the olfactory in mind. Nobody would come to my place and say the walls have ears, they'd say the walls have noses. Every room in my house would have a nasal theme, except the bathroom of course. I believe life is like being on a unicycle on a tightrope--it's all about balance. Life and death, black and white, yin and yang. What is the opposite and complimentary anatomical object of the human nose? The index finger, that's what. How much would it cost to decorate my entire two bedroom apartment in noses and fingers? Can we do it for under twenty thousand dollars? I look forward to your reply. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Thinking about all of your electronics makes me smile brighter than a Phillips flat screen TV. Of course I don't really have an electric smile, because if I did everytime I drank something I'd electrocute myself. But being electrocuted runs in the family. My aunt was electrocuted the morning she realized she had no hot water in the shower, so she decided to get warm by bringing in her electric blanket. And then my snappy Grandpappy Willard died in the electric chair. Not the ones used in prisons, but this was an actual chair that had a plug that plugs into the wall. And somebody decided to duct tape him to that chair, plug it into the wall, and throw both him and the chair into the pool. I was devistated for about a week after he died because we had to have the pool drained and I couldn't go swimming. So you can see that electronics are a big part of my heritage. If you ever need a consumer to be a part of any of your test market surveys, I'd be more than happy to give you my neighbors phone number. They are always doing random things like that. Well, I'll talk to you later. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
The world is about balance, much like a good set of tires. Good and evil are the major balancing forces in this realm we call life. I think the most evil invention in the history of mankind has to be brakes. I think this because I feel the greatest, most noble invention in the history of man is the wheel. And brakes are jealous of the wheel's majesty, and they only serve to slow the wheel down and they are always trying to wear the wheel down and make them stop doing what they do best. And what they do best is rotate, and nature appreciates this. The earth rotates, the seasons rotate, my hips rotate when I gyrate them. So you guys keep on making great tires, and don't let those brake manufacturers slow you down. Best, Jarod Kintz
Who invented the first copy machine? Was it Mr. Copy? Was he an original kind of guy, or just a duplicator? I love using your naughty machines. Pants down, fog alert, that's the way I like to work. I literally walk around the office with my pants around my ankles. That way, I can get into all sorts of trouble and not worry about people catching me with my pants down. My female secretary hates it that I do it. She asked me to make a copy of our company policies regarding sexual harassment, but instead I posted copies of my sweet ass all over the office. And I couldn't have done it without you guys. That's why I'm writing this email of appreciation to you today. Just my way of saying thanks, for giving me the courage to let it all hang out. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I love the concept of an online auction, but last time I sold something on eBay I broke my keyboard because I slammed my mallet too hard into it at the closing of the sale. It always amazes me what prices will pay for some of the crap I sell. I mean, it's not like they can't just walk into their own neighbors yard and scoop some up for themselves. People are way too lazy today. They'd rather have the poop shipped to them, rather than bend down and apply a little effort. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for providing this unique business/consumer dynamic in the marketplace. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Do you think dinosaurs wore watches? If so, maybe they knew when their time was up. I don't wear a watch myself because I don't believe in time, or rather I choose not to acknowledge it. That way, when Armageddon comes, maybe I'll be spared. You know how they make non alcoholic beer? Could you sell me a dysfunctional watch, so I could still look stylish, yet retain my ignorance? I don't want a broken watch, because that is not new and perfect. I want a watch that was intentionally designed not to work. I hope you can accommodate my needs and you respond in a timely matter. But if you don't, it's not like I would know how long it took you to write back anyways. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I feel the decline in board game popularity and the rise in video games among America's youth signals a decline in society. America's youth have weak minds and strong thumbs. In fact, if thumbs were bodies, I'd be carrying a pair of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s, which I do anyway in the form of action figure keychain dolls of the Governator himself. You should make a World's Strongest Man board game complete with two dice, rope, weights, hernia belt, and an RV that the players would have to tow. It's a game I think I'd win thumbs down. I'm writing you now to give you plenty of developmental time for it's Christmas release date (hopefully). I can't wait to play your new game. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
As an artist, I understand the beauty of fruit. I love still lifes of apples and bananas and oranges. But I'm an abstract artist, so my paintings don't realistically represent the fruit per se. Critics of my fruit baskets say that they looks more like a recreation of a homicide scene. In fact, they say it looks exactly like a family of four got dropped out of a twenty story building, which is crazy because they didn't get dropped, they jumped. Of course that's purely speculation, what do I know about the motives of a banana? Actually, I know more than I let on. When you spend enough time in the trees talking to the monkeys, you get a whole new perspective on bananas. But I have a thorough psychological understanding of all fruit. It's the natural outcome of a man who spends all his time talking to the monkeys, which is why I'm writing you today. The monkeys need your help. I am the head ambassador to all the monkeys in the United States, and I was wondering if you could donate two jugs of juice a week to my house, and I'll distribute it to needy monkeys everywhere. Don't turn your back on the monkeys. For just two jugs of juice a week you could greatly impact the lives of needy monkeys everywhere. I hope you decide to donate to this worthy charity. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I am your numero uno fan. I've been playing Uno ever since I can remember. But I feel it's time to introduce a sequel to your game, an Uno 2 if you will. Or even better, Uno Dos. I guess instead of yelling uno one card before you go out, you'd yell uno dos when you only have tres (three) cards left. Let me know what you think about the sequel to Uno. Thenk you, Jarod Kintz
Do you sell log cabins in your store, or just the lots? Lincoln grew up in a log cabin, but not one of the ones that you should sell in your stores. If tallness is greatness, Lincoln was the greatest President in this country's history by a long shot, well several inches anyway. I don't measure greatness by the tallness of things, I measure greatness by widths. In this case, I think your store is superior to Wallmart, who have paradoxically the narrowist ailes and the widest customers. I think you should come out with a new slogan that says, "Girth is Greatness--and we're the biggest." Go ahead and take it, I've got many more ideas. If you do decide to use it, however, I'd like to play Lincoln on the commercial (I'll get shot in the commercial and that symbolizes shooting down the competition). I look forward to hearing back from you on this. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
If anybody knows about roller coasters, besides you guys of course, it's me. It's my middle name, or names, as it is two words. Whatever happened to wooden roller coasters? Today all I see are metal ones. Have you ever considered making a roller coaster out of pencils? You might have shorter lines this way. Or maybe even using toothpicks, and have the seats be sandwiches, minus the mayonnaise of course. It would be the world's fastest sandwich, even though I have been known to hurl a Rueben sandwich at nearly ninety miles per hour. I’m stoked about sandwiches, so let's put this project into motion, and get roller coasters popping like a brown lunch bag full of air that meets headlong into an open palm. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I am your numero uno fan. I've been playing Uno ever since I was cuatro (four). But I feel it's time to introduce a sequel to your game, an Uno 2 if you will. Or even better, Uno Dos. I guess instead of yelling uno one card before you go out, you'd yell uno dos when you only have tres (three) cards left. Let me know what you think about the sequel to Uno. Muchas gracias, Jarod Kintz
A lot of women get butterfly tattoos on their bodies, but I got one that's better. I got a caterpillar tattooed on each of my shoulders. These two dump truck tattoos represent the heavy lifting and power that is my arms. OK, so I'm a writer and I only lift a pencil and a keyboard, but I consider it working with my hands, and therefore it's manual labor. You know what would be cool? If you guys came out with a line of flying dump trucks. But you came out with them under a new brand name called Butterfly. I'll bet a lot more women would go into the construction industry if they could drive around a Butterfly all day long. I'd go get wings added on my tats and then tell people that I have two butterfly tattoos. You'd be a hit with both sexes then. Shoot, I'd bet even hermaphrodites would love it. If you do decide to use my concept, I'd like to appear as the male butterfly on your commercial. Just give me a pair of wings and a construction hat and I'm happy. I'll send you some head shots for the shoot upon your reply. Talk to you soon. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Without dentist, there would be no teeth. And without teeth, there would be no toothpicks. And toothpicks, as you are probably aware, are the greatest invention in the history of man. One day we're making toothpicks, the next we're landing on the moon. So without dentists there would be no landing on the moon. And if we didn't land on the moon, the Russians might have won the cold war. So the dentistry profession single handedly won us the cold war. So no matter what people might say about dentists, you guys are real American heroes in my book; and my book is very short and full of bright pictures and lovely scented flowers that I plucked from my neighbors garden before laminating and gluing on the cover. Basically, my book is a bunch of pictures of my favorite dentists, and their brief biographies. In fact, the only other person in my book who is a non-dentist patriot is the man with no arms who goes around the neighborhood kicking over everybody's trash cans on trash day. This country was founded by rebels, and in his own little way he's making a bold political statement. I don't know exactly what he's trying to enlighten us with, but it might have something to do with our current economic situation and ballooning debt. Or maybe he's mad at the man for holding the armless man down. Anyways, if you guys want me too, I'll make some copies of my book so that you can promote it at your next convention. Let me know if you are interested. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Your handbags are so elegant that they must make women’s arms feel like royalty. It must be a sweet feeling walking around with two queens stuck to one's side, and having the aristocracy work for you. I know if I felt like I had a couple of kings glued to my side, I'd have them fight for territory, and then I'd swoop in and label them as heretics and have them beheaded. Sure, I might have no hands then, but I'd be the moral superior. People should fear the man, and not the hand. So in a way, your purses make the philosophical claim that democracy is superior to any monarchy. Yet, paradoxically, Prada is the king of purses. So even though your philosophy might be noble, you intellectually undercut yourself by the quality of your product. But you should make light out of this paradox, and create the world's first purse that resembles the head of a famous beheaded queen. Not only will it be a novelty, but it will let people know where you stand on this great social issue. Let me know what you think of my Mary Queen of Scots, and other famous beheaded royalty, idea for a new line of purses. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
You guys just might be the greatest modern day wine makers. If it weren't for Jesus, you might be the greatest of all time. But you make wine from grapes, and he made it from water. The only thing I can make from water is Kool-Aid, and even then I still need the Kool-Aid mix. Wine is at least a billion dollar industry, and if your grapes didn't grow on the vine, you'd actually have money growing on trees. But what if money literally did grow on trees, and I wanted to eat a pile of cash with some friends, would you recommend a white wine, or a red wine with that meal? Or what about a pink wine? A blending of the two. Pink and green go great together. Well, good luck with your grapes, and I hope this year, and every year is a good year for your wines. Best, Jarod Kintz
I love cruises, and I love carnivals, so it's only natural that I'd love Carnival Cruise Lines. Is your cruise ship a circus of the sea? Because if it is, I'd like to lend you my special talents for a week. You might not be aware, and neither is Guinness Book of World Records, but I am a World Record holder. You see, I can blow up a thousand balloons in just under a second. But I've only done it once, because the dynamite almost blew of my fingers as well. But balloons have always been a passion of mine. There are plenty of people who can make animals out of balloons, but how many people can make a balloon out of an animal (and I don't use dynamite anymore)? But I only make what I call a Bombay Balloon. This is a black balloon made out of a black cat. And I recycle the balloon, so I'm always using the same Bombay cat. So if we work out a deal where I am working on your ship for my week long stay, I will need room accomodations for both myself, and for Mr. Fizzlebush (that's the name of my balloon). Mr. Fizzlebush and I were born to entertain for your guests, and I look forward to cruising with you. Thank you, JArod Kintz
I like books about sex because they are freaky under the covers, where I am never freaky under my covers (well at least not with anybody else). I consider the relationship between reader and book to be sort of an intellectual partnership, and I've had many sex book partners. I'm just not a monogamous reader. Nope, I read around. If there was such a thing as intellectual prostitution, you'd be the biggest pimp. And I know that Pimpin' aint easy, so I'd just like to say thanks. Thanks for always providing me with great reading material, and helping me build up my intellectual stamina so that I'm not a one minute reader anymore. Yours truly, Jarod Kintz
Nothing could look tougher, yet so handsome as your SUV, not even if someone laid Arnold Schwarzenegger on his stomach and drilled two axels through him and stuck four wheels on them. If machine became man, I think your automobile could run, and win, to become the first SUV governor of California. It'd be the SUVernor. Are you planning on running your H3 for President in 2008? If you need a campaign manager, look no further than right here. Not to blow my own horn, but I'm like a self-conscious saxophone marching in a one man band with no conductor, and no legs to step to. That's how I roll. I look forward to leading your campaign for the Presidency. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
You are my inspiration for life. Growing up, my life wasn’t easy. As it turns out, I was raised on the wrong side of the train tracks. I think. I'm dyslexic so I get confused as to which side is the wrong side. You see, we had property on both sides, so no matter how you look at it I was always the outcast. I had no friends, so I stayed indoors and played with myself all the time. Mother didn't like that too much. But until recently, I never used toys, either big or small. Then someone introduced me to the idea of model trains. Yes, I thought, they are skinny enough, but you'd have to find clothes that would be long enough for them. And the runway would be the railway. And nobody has prettier looking trains than you do (they are my fantasy). So I was wondering when the next fashion show was? I'd really love to come out and see the next season's fashions, and show some love to the models. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I just recently slept on one of your patented Sleep Number mattresses, and I have to say that it was very comfortable. Much more comfortable than sleeping on a dozen geese, even with all of their beaks completely broken off. Although, wet geese are very comfortable. It's like solid meets liquid, sort of like a feathery gel. But wet geese smell too bad, but your mattresses didn't smell too bad. I should be a spokesperson for your company. Geico's got the caveman, you could have the slumbering Madman. You should also converge your company with Pampers, for people like me who want a good mattress that can hold lots of urine so that every night when I wet the bed, it doesn't leak onto the carpet. And add some air fresheners so that your mattresses don't smell too bad. I feel I was born to represent your company, so let me know if I'm right for the part. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Nothing could look tougher, yet so ruggedly handsome as your SUV, not even if someone laid Arnold Schwarzenegger on his stomach and drilled two axels through him and stuck four wheels on them. If machine became man, I think your automobile could run, and win, to become the first SUV governor of California. It'd be the SUVernor. Are you planning on running your H3 for President in 2008? If you need a campaign manager, look no further than right here. Not to blow my own horn, but I'm like a self-conscious saxophone marching in a one man band with no conductor, and no legs to step to. That's how I roll. I look forward to leading your campaign for the Presidency. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Genius is an arch, an intellectual ability to bend and twist in thought. My mind is as flexible as a balerina, I just have yet to figure out how to stuff the left hemisphere of my brain into my tiny right dancing shoe. -Jarod Kintz
215 Comments:
I love this. What a funny spin on an internationally known theory. It's great!
Sarah
Time is money, and girls take up too much of both.
-Orafoura
? ? ? ? ?
that john denver is full of shit, man
Very funny cartoon. But this Orafoura guy is a little pretentious, don't you think? I mean if he doesn't want to spend time or money on women he should buy a robe and live in a cave in the south of France and become a hermit that rides his arrogance to and from the watering hole.
-Audrey Bird
Right on Audrey Bird...some men don't have a clue! But you have to admit that the comic is pretty funny.
BirdMan
It is very true that some men don't have a clue. I can attribut that to my partial deafness. When Susan (my wife) starts into me at dinner, I just turn down my hearing aids and nod my head. What a nag she is.
-Mr. Polko
P.S. Is Audrey bird single?
This is Mama Bird and Audrey Bird is definitely not old enough to date you, but the comic is funny! Besides Orafoura has a good point. But we are worth it. Audrey Bird appreciates your comments Mr Polko. - Mama Bird
PS Mama Bird is single for anyone over the age of 36!!!
I'd sport a watch like that
very shitty
I like this. could you buy a soda with the watch?
Time is like money. Both come in easy increments that are easy to spend in a strip club.
-Orafoura
True. Although watches are not highly favored or even looked at inside strip clubs.
True, time is money. But the more money you have the more time you spend trying to aquire even more of it. So in a way, they cancel each other out. I would rather be poor and live at the park like the rest of you fine people.
Stinky McPoo
This cartoon is very creative. You could pitch this idea to Movado and try to get it actually made.
I love money.I love time. I love spending my time rolling around naked in all of my money.
Costa
That is one of the funniest blogs I have ever read!
I love things that don't Costa lot of time or money-like naive young girls.
Great comic. You put a good spin on it Kintz. Keep on bein crazy.
Bobby
Time is money and I got both. Being in jail gave me the extra time and my body made me the money.
Holla.
Lil' Kim
SUCKS!
It's a great concept, but couldn't you have drawn it better?
Seen it before. Some jackass from Jersey had one on. Made me think of kicking his ass. What a prick he was.
I know that jackass. He lives below me. I can smell him through my floor.
So many books to read, so little time to watch all the movies.
-Jarod Kintz
Some said it couldn't be done. Others just laughed in my face and said I was crazy. But I knew that if I stretched long enough, I could eat the underwear I was wearing while in the lotus position.
-Jarod Kintz
Fingerskating is a popular sport. But I am the only person I know running finger marathons. I can run 26 miles on my fingers faster than I can type this paragraph. And the women love me. I'm the Roger Bannister of foreplay.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to want to play soccer, but I'm not good with defeat.
-Jarod Kintz
Last night at dinner my girlfriend said I put her in an awkard position with her parents. Since when has doggystyle been an awkward position? Her mother wasn't complaining when her husband bent her over.
-Jarod Kintz
I tried putting my house up for sale, but it kept sinking in the Bermuda triangle.
-Jarod Kintz
I used to wear camouflage pants when I worked in landscape until Johnny hacked off my leg at the knee with the weedeater. But you should see how this new prosthetic limb doubles as an amazing shovel.
-Jarod Kintz
They say when you push the limits you are playing with fire. But I happen to enjoy the smell of burnt flesh.
Lauren Zimpel
I used to want to play for a jazz band called the bumblebees. Then i realized I was allergic to improv. I break out into hives just thinking about it.
-Jarod Kintz
A janitor is one of my favorite people because I love listening to the piano. He has the magical set of keys.
Lauren Zimpel
When my wife got pregnant, I loved setting the alarm clock in betwen her legs so the baby would get up at 4:30 every morning. For womb the bells toll.
-Jarod Kintz
As an existentialist, I find that nothing matters to me, except my neurotic attempts to match the color of my sox to that of my excessively long nostril hairs. I, of course trim them. The sox, not the nosehairs.
-Jarod Kintz
I read a book on existentialist axioms. It was blank. I disagreed with the premises, but could not erase tho thoughts from my mind. So I doodled in it with crayon and felt better about my life.
-Jarod Kintz
I have a friend named Willow, she complains that I always vut her down. I warned her that I am not enviromantally friendly.
Lauren Zimpel
It's Fate, We Fit (picture of puzzle with two faces in the piece)
-Jarod Kintz
Never makeout with a woman who can touch her tongue to her forehead, she might try to choke you.
-Jarod Kintz
he had eyes like egg rolls, eyelids folded over and fried, as he remarkid, Hey, even the early christians got stoned.
-Jarod Kintz
America is on a one way trip to hell economically, and we are paying for it with money we don't have.
-Jarod Kintz
With the money in my bank account I might be able to buy several designer suits, but I can't afford one.
-Jarod Kintz
The IRS is God's last Profit. And inflation is the reason we pay more than ten percent.
-Jarod Kintz
If it ain't brake, check it.
-Jarod Kintz
I only have a passenger side airbag when my girl rides shotgun.(bumper sticker)
-Jarod Kintz
Emerge from the masses, or merge towards the middle. Either way, move! (bumper sticker)
-Jarod Kintz
Don't change lanes, change your paradigms.
-Jarod Kintz
Don't cross the solid white lines, and the solid white lines won't cross you.
-Jarod Kintz
Submerge your urge and merge, but don't stick to my bumper like this sticker.
-Jarod Kintz
My bumper isn't thicker than your skull, so back off.
-Jarod Kintz
White horn makes loud honkey.
-Jarod Kintz
Always buckle up when having sex while driving. Especially if you have kids in the backseat.
-Jarod Kintz
Tell your children to buckle up before having sex in the backseat.
-Jarod Kintz
Encourage safe sex. Tell your children to avoid mating with hungry wolves.
-Jarod Kintz
This bumper sticker is about as thin as my patience.
-Jarod Kintz
As a doctor, my temperance is about as thin as my patients, and I work with anorexics.
-Jarod Kintz
The path of life is filled with many people. Sometimes I wish I drove a big truck.
-Jarod Kintz
My car isn't slow, it's a bit dents.
-Jarod Kintz
I work with statistics like an angry cook works with bitchy clients' food: I spit on them.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate cooking steaks for people I hate. I spit on them, the steaks not the people.
-Jarod Kintz
All philosophy is based on words. So if you can't spell, your paradigms will always be slightly off.
-Jarod Kintz
Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.
-Jarod Kintz
It's been said "a painting has a life of its own." Although clearly some pieces opt for suicide.
-Jarod Kintz
If my anger were a dinner, I'd be frozen.
-Jarod Kintz
Beauty is like a globe, it's all around.
-Jarod Kintz
Religion is a tree. You've got to be leaf.
-Jarod Kintz
Having a child is a beautiful thing, after all the mess is cleaned up, of course.
-Jarod Kintz
There's no better way to say I love you than a Ziplock bag of your own semen.
-Jarod Kintz
Relationships are as delicate as old China. And the fastest way to shattter a relationship is to build a great wall between you and your partner.
-Jarod Kintz
Before I was born I'm glad I didn't sign a lease to move into my mother's vagina. There's no closet space.
-Jarod Kintz
The body is an instrument that makes all sorts of funny noises.
-Jarod Kintz
How many nannies does it take to change a lightbulb? None unless the lightbulb has got shit all over it.
-Jarod Kintz
Some people have characters like wood, and they snap. Others have characters of steel, and they melt. I have a character of rubber, I am flexible and often involved in scandalous sex.
-Jarod Kintz
You can still keep an honest business, even if you lie with your secretary.
-Jarod Kintz
To help dyslexic people think strait they should think upside down and write backwards. And if they are right handed they should write with their left hand and vice versa. And if they like apples they should switch to oranges. If they are gay they should become strait.
-Jarod Kintz
Don't kill the butcher to eat the cow. Just eat the butcher.
-Jarod Kintz
I'd rather die than be shot 47 times and then get bludgeoned with a watermelon.
-Jarod Kintz
That piece of ass balogna was so large it had its own governor. We could trim some of the fat and feed it to all seven of you in small sandwiches. But instead of eating it like a normal sandwich, we could shove it through your asses. I think it's a shorter distance to your stomach.
-Jarod Kintz
If I were to have sex in a coffin, could the girl's silence be taken as consent? Who cares? They'll have to dig pretty deep to find the truth.
-Jarod Kintz
You can live as a contrarian, but you'll still die like everybody else.
-Jarod Kintz
I never have sex on the first date, but it's not like I don't try. Who says anal beads is not good dinner conversation?
-Jarod Kintz
Trying to get laid with the kind of girls I date is impossible. They are all into playing games. The last girl I took out made me play My Little Pony with her for an hour and a half. That's a real mood killer, especially when I have to change her diaper too.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate picking up women in bars, especially if they are large. I almost gave myself a hernia last week trying to pick up some broad who was just exactly that, as well as tall too.
-Jarod Kintz
Last night my friend asked me to go with him to the bar to pick up some broads. No thanks, I said, I prefer my girls skinny.
-Jarod Kintz
The girl I just spoke to in the hallway might agree with me on this, but I think sex has changed completely from what it used to be five, maybe ten minutes ago.
-Jarod Kintz
Lots of people die in lots of different ways. I try to be creative, and personalize it with all my past exploits.
-Jarod Kintz
Dying echoes living in the same manner as the taking a shit in the toilet bowl echoes the expensive steak you ate last night. It makes kind of a gurgling sound.
-Jarod Kintz
I'll never forget when we fell out of love. It was the same moment she fell out of the window.
-Jarod Kintz
My New Year's resolution this year is to give up sex with all women, and just focus on about two dozen or so.
-Jarod Kintz
Lots of people write books on drugs. They write better when they are high, I guess. I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah," and "Ooooh that's it," and "Whose hands are those?"
-Jarod Kintz
Girls mix at frat parties as smooth as the Roofies they mix in Screwdrivers.
-Jarod Kintz
I was a loyal fan. He treated me as an equal. He treated me like a dog.
-Jarod Kintz
I never make the same mistake that I made more than once, twice. I usually make it three or fouor times.
-Jarod kintz
My Father drove me to Drink, and he even charged me gas money. It's ok, I paid him from money I had siphoned from him anyway.
-Jarod Kintz
I was so excited when my girlfriend gor a divorce from her husband, but at the same time I was sad for my father.
-Jarod Kintz
People say relatioships are built on trust. I say that relatioships are built on the concrete that all your former girlfriends found themselves mixed up in.
-Jarod kintz
The concrete business is the wrong business to get yourself mixed up in.
-Jarod Kintz
He's definitely not the smartest guy, but at least he's not quite the ugliest (when someone asked me about Luke Chatham)
-Jarod Kintz
I just found out yesterday that I have been in a relatioship for over a year now. I feel bad I didn't get her anything for our anniversary. Maybe tomorrow I'll go buy her something for our two year anniversary tomorrow night.
-Jarod Kintz
McDonald's should start selling adult happy meals. I could really go for a cheesburger and a blow job right now.
-Jarod Kintz
I have a problem keeping friends. I keep running out of space in my freezer.
-Jarod Kintz
A lot of my old friends live in St. Patersburg, Fl, although due to alzheimers most can't remember who I am let alone if they just shit in their pants.
-Jarod Kintz
Death is pretty fair. It comes to every man only once, although sometimes we wish it would come to some men more than once.
-Jarod Kintz
It was wholesale slaughter on that gloomy morning, and I was the retailer.
-Jarod Kintz
I wouldn't want to die wearing stilettos. If my wife found out, she'd kill me.
-Jarod Kintz
When my girlfriend works out her lower back always gets sore. Maybe we shouldn't do it doggystyle anymore.
-Jarod Kintz
I bought my girlfriend on eBay for half price. The batteries weren't included, and I can't figure out how to turn her off.
-Jarod Kintz
I don't want to die alone. I want to die flying a 7-47 full of passengers with no co-pilot.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend's a real cow, let me tell you. She was my waitress, and we fell in love after I tipped her.
-Jarod Kintz
I'm looking to start a band. I play air guitar, and I know a lead singer who can both lip sink and writes most of his stuff in sign language. We cater to the deaf, although we only have one fan right now (Although since he is paralyzed and I push around his wheelchair he is forced to listen to us). We're called the Violent Fingers of Helen Keller. We could use a third man who possesses both two arms and a functional bladder.
-Jarod Kintz
I've been sitting here at my kitchen table, frigid llke a frightened deer as the light from my chandalier shines in my eyes. I'm staring at my watch. It's been 3:00 for the past fifteen years as the hands on my watch seem to be stuck in an eternal handshake exactly like the last embrace between my grandfather and I. I keep glancing at my turkey sandwich and thinking about death. The folds in the meat remind me of the creases on his face. I remember his cat, Spartacus, who was the size of a mailbox, and looked llike an oreo bomb had exploded and melted with matted fur. He loved that cat. So did I. My eyes dart to the left as Gunther, my crazy cat, jumps on the table and starts eating my sandwich. I hope he's hungry. After he finishes it, maybe he can eat me too.
-Jarod Kintz
I like making love alone on the roof of my house. I just installed a skylight above the guest bedroom so I can enjoy my girlfriend "entertaining" our guests, which usually include small groups of men.
-Jarod Kintz
Whether you prefer being on the top or the bottom during sex, it still costs the same.
-Jarod kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets.
-Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets.
-Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets.
-Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets.
-Jarod Kintz
When I have kids I'm going to tell them to tie their shoes with luck. Then, when they trip and fall because their shoes are untied, I'll say it must have been bad luck. And at their birthday parties I won't hire clowns, I'll hire homeless midgets to dress as raggedy leprechauns who are "down on their luck." Then when my kids are grown up, they won't believe in luck, and they'll have a healthy fear of alcoholic midgets.
-Jarod Kintz
I want my girlfriend to shave off a couple of pounds, mostly with the hair on her back.
-Jarod Kintz
My ex girlfriend was more valuable to me than a hundred gallons of feces, only because we used recycled milk cartons, rather than buying new ones.
-Jarod Kintz
I have some native American blood in me. Yeah, I try to drink between 2-4 glasses a day.
-Jarod Kintz
I hate fake friends, but then that's the only kind I can afford.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to think of myself as 24% writer, 24% artist, 24% humorist, 24% philosopher, and 5% mathemitician, plus or minus 1% for error. Of course, those figures were based on a study I'd conducted in interviews in the bathroom mirror, and the bathroom is so small it doesn't leave much room for error.
-Jarod Kintz
I like to laugh so hard my socks fall off, unless I'm wearing flip flops, then I laugh so hard my feet itch. Maybe it's from the laughing, or maybe it's the athlete's foot.
-Jarod Kintz
I got athlete's foot last week. I would have cut off both if he wouldn't have screamed so loudly.
-Jarod Kintz
If compliments were clothing, my girlfriend would be in lengerie, and I wouldn't tell her she's sexy.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend smells great, like fresh cut grass, even after she's just finished mowing the lawn.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend looks like a mix between Maralyn Monroe and Pam Anderson, with a touch of John Cleese in there--ar least in the way she walks. It's vrey silly.
-Jarod Kintz
Ergonomics is not a very ergonomic word to type out.
-Jarod Kintz
Sketch: Two skinny company owners make a bet that their employees can lose the most combined weight. Then both owners go back to their people to tell them that they have to lose weight. The first guy has all fat people working for him. The second guy has all skinny people except for one fat guy. The second group of employees are all standing around in a curcle, and all of them are glaring at the fat guy as the owner is saying, "come on guys, we can do it. Big bonuses for everyone if we win."
-Jarod Kintz
your mother likes sausages
You're right mother does like sausages!!! But so does your Dad!
~The girl with the hair
Dear American Society of Plastic Surgeons,
My girlfriend wants to get breast implants, but I'm not sure if I'd like that. She tells me they'd cost around $8,000. I was wondering if her new breasts would also come with a steering wheel? Because if I'm paying that kind of money for something I at least want to be able to drive it around. Also, she sleeps on her stomach, so I was wondering if we got the operation could we put the breasts on her back, so that I could have something to play with while she's asleep? And finally, do you know where I can get it done at discount prices? Maybe buy one breast get the second one half off. I look forward to hearing back from you.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Suave,
Your hair product smells so devine that sometimes I start crying thinking about it. I cry because I am bald, and I have no hair to lather up. Never again will I feel your soft shampoo work itself through my hair and engulf my fingers as it used to. The only time I get to enjoy your shampoo now is at pot luck dinners, where I bring a desert crafted from Suave shampoo. It saddens me that I am the only one who eats it. Nobody wants to eat the dish that the bald man brings. Hey, at least there's no hair in my food, unlike the popular Vanessa, and her lasagna, where I always find a stringy hair every time I eat it. I don't think she uses your product, and I can't accept her as a person because of that. I am thinking of buying wigs, not to wear, but solely to wash every morning in the shower just to have the Suave experienve before I start my day. I just thought I'd let you guys know how much you mean to me. Even though the bald man is probably seen as the enemy at your corporate offices, I am your most commited customer.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear American Association of Psychics,
Sometimes I think I can see into the future. It's crazy, but I actually knew during the last sentence what I was going to write in this sentence just seconds before the period came. I'm like that all the time. I once foresaw my neighbor's house getting vandalized weeks before it happened. Preperation is the key to not getting caught. So is not leaving your pants with your wallet and license in them on the master bedroom floor while you roll around naked on their sheets, while you sing the theme song to Golden Girls. But that's just speculation on my part. Well, I gotta go, but I'm sure you already knew that.
Good luck in the future,
Jarod Kintz
Dear U-Haul,
How many goats can you typically fit in your largest moving van? Why do the seats of your vans smell like burnt cheese? Back when my family first moved to this country there was not enough cheese to go around. Nor goats, but one goat could have been shared among five grown men, each taking their turn in decending order of age (it gets cold and lonely in Wyoming). I wish clothes were made of cheese, and shoes were made of bread. That way if I were stuck in the desert I could still have a grilled cheese sandwich. And moving would be easy, all I'd need would be the cheese on my back. Of course, I don't like moldy clothes, so I'd not have a dressor, but a refrigerator. I am thinking of moving to Wisconsin. I have about a half a ton of cheddar cheese to move. Are your vans refrigerated? I depart as soon as you reply.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Billy Graham,
You're a religious guy, right? Do you think that heaven is full of angels, buffets, mansions, and midgets playing white pianos like my mother says? I'm sure glad there is no literal "Stairway to Heaven" as Led Zeppelin says, because if there were, and I made it all the way to the top step, I'd probably get so excited that I'd pull out my slinky and set it loose and follow it all the way back down to earth. I'm like that. I'm a follower. I follow Jesus. Jesus was like a slinky, he just took one step at a time so us mere mortals could keep up. He wanted us to come and follow him. Did you know that Jesus died 1,912 years before the invention of the slinky? Do you think we all should aspire to be more like a slinky, and just take one step at a time? Or will the slinky lead us on a downward path, and we'll all have eternal damnation for following one? If so, I might switch to playing with LEGOs. Unless you feel LEGOs are immoral too.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear RE/MAX,
Don't get me wrong, I love living here in Florida, but I feel like I need a change. If I could live anywhere in the world, I'd probably want to live in a vending machine in an abandoned warehouse. My neighbor would be a Kit Kat bar. Would it be weird to want to eat your neighbor? I couldn't have any dogs, because my chocolate neighbors could kill my dogs if they ate one. I generally don't like it when my dogs eat my neighbors (with the obvious exception of the Wilsons), but in this case I really wouldn't like it. Do you know if I had a party, would everyone have to pay a dollar to enter my vending machine neighborhood? It'd be the ultimate gated community. I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear General Electric,
Back before Edison invented the light bulb, if someone had an idea did a candle light up above their head? I'm sure glad that he invented the light bulb because I have lots of ideas. And most of them occur while huffing gasoline, and gasoline and candles don't mix too well. Not like vodka and orange juice mix, which also helps me enerate ideas. Sometimes I drink so much I lose my balance, which isn't good for business seing as I'm a tightrope walker. I just sort of fell into the business after the last guy fell out the business, and into the treacherous depths of Niagara Falls. It's a fine line to walk when judgine how much to drink. I'm sure Edison would have made a great tightrope walker. I always sweat profusely while walking across Niagara Falls. Edison intuitively knew what I go through when he said, "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration." While I may not be a tightrope walking genius, I do perspire enough to be considered at least brilliant. Funny thing about my business is, nobody who watches me wants to see me reach the other side. They all want to see me step over the line into a tumultuous, watery grave. Well, I gotta run now, or rather walk, very, very slowly.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
(Revision)
Dear General Electric,
Back before Edison invented the light bulb, if someone had an idea did a candle light up above their head? I'm sure glad that he invented the light bulb because I have lots of ideas. And most of them occur while huffing gasoline, and gasoline and candles don't mix too well. Not like vodka and orange juice mix, which also helps me enerate ideas. Sometimes I drink so much that I lose my balance, which isn't good for business seing as I'm a tightrope walker. I just sort of fell into the business after the last guy fell out the business, and into the treacherous depths of Niagara Falls. It's a fine line to walk when judging how much to drink. I'm sure Edison would have made a great tightrope walker. I always sweat profusely while walking across Niagara Falls. Edison intuitively knew what I go through when he said, "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration." While I may not be a tightrope walking genius, I do perspire enough to be considered at least brilliant. The funny thing about my business is, nobody who watches me wants to see me reach the other side. They all want to see me step over the line into a tumultuous, watery grave. Well, I gotta run now, or rather walk, very, very slowly.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Hersheys,
I am a total outdoorsy kind of guy. I'm also a certified chocolate fiend. Whenever I'm in the woods I think about those unfortunate people who, for whatever reason, are forced to cut off one of their limbs to survive. Then I think, hey, how cool would it be if one of their arms were made of chocolate. Then not only would they be able to free themselves, but they'd also have a delicious reward for being so brave. Are you planning on branching out into the prosthetic limb industry anytime soon? I'd love to eat my own elbow, especially if it was made of milk chocolate and had chunks of nuts in it. Even if you don't reply, I'll still continue to buy your candy bars.
Best of luck,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Donald Trump's Hair,
every night when I dream, I dream that my hair looks like you. And every morning I wake up disappointed. I've dyed my hair many shades to get it the exact hue of you, but I still can't get it styled to look as good as you. Next time Donald goes to his hair stylist, can you beg him to send me some of his clippings? Of all the celebrity hair out there, you are the most unique and have the most personality. I've often considered scalping Donald just so that we could be together. Oh wouldn't it be great? Just the two of us sitting on the beach, as the scent of you wafts up my nostrils as I hold you close to my nose, and every breath I take is filtered by your fragrance. I would give up my forehead to be with you. Donald doesn't appreciate you like I would. We were meant for each other. I know you can't write back, and Donald is probably reading this right now. I'm sorry Donald, I'm in love with your hair.
Yours truly,
Jarod Kintz
Dear San Diego Zoo,
I am pleased to announce that on the thirteenth of June, between noon and 12:15 p.m., Mr. Fizzlebush and I will be arriving at your magnificent zoo. Yes, I did say that I was arriving with the legendary Mr. Fizzlebush. Unfortunately, due to time constraints, and the fact that he can't hold a pen in his tiny paws, Mr. Fizzlebush will not be able to sign autographs. But he will be available to take some provocative pictures with the finest felines in your facility. To not draw too much of a spectacle in your zoo, both Mr. Fizzlebush and myself will dress covertly. I will be dressed in all green spandex with a giant shell on my back, and Mr. Fizzlebush wil be dressed like Humphrey Bogart's piano in Casablanca. Of all the zoos, in all the towns, in all the world, we're coming to yours. On a side note, Mr. Fizzlebush's costume will likely be rented, and probably out of tune and not musical at all, so unfortunately I won't be able to play a little ditty for you on the piano. See you soon.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Denny's,
Your food is delicious! Every Time I eat there I never feel like vomiting afterwards, although I force myself to anyway. And it's not because I'm a Communist either, which I'm not, but only because I abhor the color red. I'd also rather not share a meal with a socialist if I had the option of dining alone or with a Capitolist. Mr. Fizzlebush is a Capitolist, but only because he is afraid of Karl Marx's beard and stern look. He is also afraid of tall hats, which means that every Halloween I dress up like Abe Lincoln and scare the you know what out of him. And he always does his business right on my favorite rug too. And it's usually a big business too--that's also how I know he's a Capitolist. But to my point, I will be dining at your establishment this Thursday the 23rd, and I will be bringing Mr. Fizzlebush. I was wondering if you could have all your servers, both male and female, at your Gainesville location, dress like Abe Lincoln? It will be great! Mr. Fizzlebush's fear is so great that I've owed him five dollars for the past year over a bet on who the first President of the U.S was (I know it is inconsequential, as life in general is, but how was I to know that Jean-Paul Sartre was not a President, let alone even an American?). So I've owed him this five dollar bill this whole time, yet he won't take it because Abe's image is on there. I hope you decide to comply with this prank, and I promise to tip well (I'm dying to get rid of this five dollar bill). If you don't respond I'll assume by your silence that you are going into stealth mode for this prank so that Mr. Fizzlebush doesn't find out. I look forward to next Thursday.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Saturn,
Your car is out of this world. Three planets over to be exact. Sometimes I wish I could drive your car around the sun. I'd probably need lots of sunscreen though (I burn easily. Just ask my friends, who turned the oven on when they discovered I was hiding there during last week's game of hide-n-seek). I think you guys should create a super SUV calle "The Comet." Then it would be socially aceptable to crash into random things and places here on Earth. Let me know what you think of my new concept car.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Disney Cruise Line,
I would very much like to go on one of your cruises, but I have certain accommodations that need to be made before I book my trip. I need a room large enough to comfortably fit a King sized bed, as well as a King (Juan Carlos of Spain). Juan is afraid of people and will only come aboard incognito. He will be arriving in the costume of a small cat, and answer to the pseudonym of "Mr. Fizzlebush." He will need his litter box changed daily, the finest dry cat food, and 14 bottles of your finest champagne (He is royalty after all). His majesty Juan Carlos is not to be touched, but if he does decide to lick a crew member's face, they will be expected to kneel and grovel at his paws. I hope you won't turn your back on a royal customer. We look forward to sailing with you soon.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Cal Tech,
Let's assume that I could travel at the speed of light, and that I happened to got my girlfriend pregnant and than flew off 80 light years into the future. But on my way into the future I gave advice to my son about death, and how to accept your final hours. Since we know that light travels faster than the speed of sound, would he get the message from me on his deathbed, 80 years in the future? Or less, since sound also has a speedy velocity to it, and is not simply waiting still for the past to catch up? I hope you can clarify things for me since I think I mighthave knocked my girlfriend up last night.
thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Cal Tech,
If I could throw a punch faster than the speed of light, and I got into a fight and punched some guy, would my fist hit him in the past, before we even got into an argument? That would be ultimate way to fight--beat them up even before they think about opening their mouth. What about if instead of vocal chords, I had light chords, and my words came out in light instead of sound. Would I then be able to give advice in the present that would only be heard in the very recent past? Also, would people then be able to read my voice, because they would not hear it, but would see it? I could also talk to the deaf, and in the dark I could find the key hole to my door just by coughing. I'm thinking of surgically installing light switches in my throat so I'd appreciate it if you could tell me if my premises are correct.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Nestle,
To me, life is either chocolate or not. I like to think of myself as half chocolate, half cat. I am every woman's best friend. Women prefer a night with me over great sex anytime (God knows I can't help them with the great sex). If there were a mythical creature that was half dog, half squirrel would he die if he ate a chocolate bar filled with nuts? Or would he be the ultimate mythical creature that went around consuming the world's candy and saving American kids from juvenile diabetes? I don't know, but I bet if you ate him he'd be stringy and only good for stew. We should talk to some genetic scientists and try to create this new creature that only eats candy bars with nuts. It would be good business for you and for all the tubby teenagers across this great country of ours.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Nestle,
Someone once asked me if I prefer chocolate bars or sex? Of course I said yes, but I had to clarify that I do not like sex with chocolate bars because it's a little too kinky for me. My girlfriend is tired of not getting great sex (our dog keeps eating her dildo), so I was wondering if you could make a dildo out of chocolate. Our dog will regret eating that chocolate dildo if that's the last thing he does, which it probably will be. And if the new dildo gets eaten and brown dog doesn't die, somebody grab me a glass of milk because I'll be really thirsty. I look forward to hearing about the development of our new product.
thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Burger King,
It seems that we are on the verge of a fast food feudal war. You claim to be the burger King, yet it is I who lay rightful claim to the royal thrown of all greasy patties, regardless of whether they are thinly disguised by a layer of pseudo cheese. We must decide who keeps the title. We must have a duel, using the most ancient of weapons: a single slice of processed cheese, and no more than two katchup packets. Meet me behind the dumpster at the San Jose burger King in Jax, Fl. Like a cheese single, there can be only one. Down with your monarchy of mass produced hamburgers.
Have a great day,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Yankee Candle Company,
If there were a candle the size and shape of the Empire State building, and it burned down, do you think the people of New York City would drown in wax? I would rather burn alive than live life as a candle. But if I was one of your candles I wouldn't need to wear deodorant because I'd always smell great. And I'd finally be welcome in a woman's bedroom. Women would finally find me romantic. When I was growing up, other boys wanted to be policemen and firemen. Not me, I always wanted to be a candle. But after I burned down my second house in six months, mother made me change my aspirations. Now I work with the homeless. That's right, I'm unemployed. When you're homeless there is always an abundance of time, and never enough money to burn (I still like burning things). Well, I gotta skedaddle, the fire department will be here at any moment.
Take care,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Albertson's,
You have no idea how great it feels to be writing to you right now. I just recently got the use of my fingers back. For over six months I was paralyzed from the wrist down. That meant I couldn't play the piano. Not that I know how to play the piano, but I wanted to try it really bad while I was an eight digit decrepit (I lost two fingers to the Yakuza). I also lost the ability to count, not from the fall, but because I can only count on my fingers. Now that I have the use of my fingers back, I am writing you to encourage you to lobby the food manufacturers to switch from the metric system, which uses a base ten system, to my new "eccentric system," which uses a base eight. This would make measurements drastically easier for everybody who is operating in life with only eight fingers. Also, is it just me, or do you also think that the week should have eight days, and not seven days in it? The extra day could be used for fishing or playing the piano, or rest or whatever. A second Sabbath. I look forward to hearing what your inquiries on the switch of major manufacturers to a base eight system lead to.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Dannon,
I have always been a connoisseur of cutlery, as well as spoons, ranging in antiquity from contemporary to ancient. And it is the natural progression of a spoon collector to advance to collecting unopened, mint condition yogurt containers. Considering that I just started collecting yogurt containers two years ago, it is mildly remarkable that I now have over 40,000 unopened and out of date (this makes them a rarity and increases intrinsic value) yogurt containers. I was wondering if you were going to come out with a limited edition collector's yogurt container this year? The members of YAYA (Young American Yogurt Association), of which there are two of us--Mr. Fizzlebush and myself--would be willing to pay top dollar to obtain a pallet of them if you were to come out with them. As a contrarian, I believe you've got to do the opposite of what the masses are doing to be sucessful, and nobody is investing in yogurt now. Not even the Oracle of Omaha, Warren Buffet, sees the future value of unopened, out of date yogurt. I look forward to hearing about the collector's edition yogurt.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Vision Works,
If I had an eyeball on each foot, would you make glasses for me that had glasses embedded in the tongue? well, fortunately for both of us, I don't have an eyeball on each foot. But I do have two feet growing out of my forehead. A lot of people are grossed out by feet, and they fear giving me eye contact. I was wondering if you could make me a pair of glasses that had tennis shoes attached to the frame? This way, people would be compelled, out of curiosity, to look me in the face. I hope to hear back from you soon.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Shell,
Everyday Americans are killing the environment. Gasoline is hurting mother nature. And I'm not innocent either. Just yesterday, using only two gallons of gasoline, I burnt down an entire forest. It's time to change. It's time to make a difference in the way we look at our natural resources. We're running out of oil. We need to find something else. I feel that a great untapped resource is animals. There are lots of animals we could burn. And trees too! Think about it. Your call stalls on the interstate--just chop down a tree, or pick up that road kill lying in the highway and shove it in your gas tank, and off you go. This is the new America. Together we can make a difference.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear University of Florida,
I think you should change your mascot from a gator to the mathematical sign, "Greater Than," known symbolically as: >. Florida State could be the "Less Than" sigh, <, instead of the Seminoles. That way, when you two play, the newspaper headline on the day after the game might read, "Florida Greaters greater than Less Than, but not equal to." Let me know what you think.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear State Farm Insurance,
I am thinking about buying a homeowners insurance policy, but I am very confused. While I am a farmer (well, more of a gardener), I don't have a farm that would qualify as a state. If I had a farm the size of Nebraska, could I get your insurance? What about one the size of Rhode Island? The size ratio between Rhode Island and Nebraska is roughly the same ratio as my garden is to the surface area of the top of my dresser where I keep my garden (my garden is actually just a potted flower, but I do cultivate it and share my beer with it every morning before I drive to work). Speaking of driving, I would also like to purchase auto insurance. Out of all the cars I've owned, I've never been in an accident in one of them. While it is true that I have never owned or bought a car, I am proud to say that I have been in fewer than a dozen high speed chases, with only about half as many fatalities (but thankfully no damage to the car I was in). So do I still qualify for State Farm Insurance being only a single flower farmer? I hope so, and I look forward to your reply.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Geico,
I just got an insurance rejection letter from State Farm. They say I drive like a caveman, and when I called customer service, the phone rep said that he didn't care who Mr. Fizzlebush was, he could go eat a lizard for all he cares. The phone rep obviously didn't realize that Mr. Fizzlebush is highly allergic to lizards. I like how you say "fifteen minutes could save me fifteen percent." And if you also reject me, fifteen percent of zero is zero. But I'll still be driving around in the streets, so you might as well take my money. I already didn't pay for the car, and I just chopped two Mercedes last week so I'm flush with cash. I hope we can work out a policy. Let me know if we can reach an agreement.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Regal Cinemas,
You might be very excited to know that Mr. Fizzlebush is turning four soon. And I want to throw him a birthday party he won't soon forget (although he does suffer from short term memory loss). I want to rent out one of your theaters, but I want you to play a different kind of movie than what is advertised on TV. You see, Mr. Fizzlebush is a little crazy, and a little wild. Well, I'll just come out and say it. Mr. Fizzlebush is into bestiality. Do you have any movies in stock that contain nude feline scenes? Also, for the party, can we bring our own clown or will you provide one? If you do provide one, the clown specifications are as follows: no taller than 3'11", safe operator on a unicycle, and fully knowledgeable about the internal organs of all domesticated animals. I look forward to partying with you.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Ben and Jerry's,
Have you guys ever had brain freeze? I haven't, but all my friends have. I've got all their grey matter frozen in my freezer. People think I'm crazy. I have a really hard time keeping friends. I keep running out of space in my freezer. So I started storing their vital body parts in tubs of your ice-cream at local supermarkets. Don't worry, it doesn't taint the flavor. If anything, it enhances and brings out excitement and flares the senses. That is if you don't vomit after seeing a piece of someone's cerebellum in your spoon. I just wanted to say thanks for being so cool and providing me with an endless source of storage units.
Thanks again,
Jarod Kintz
Dear eHarmony.com,
Thanks to you guys I have found the love of my life. I'm very much single and loving every minute of it. Every morning I wake up with someone I deeply care about. And I always get the best sleep when I sleep alone because nobody's there to steal the covers. But it wouldn't have been possible without your compatibility test. I found that I have exactly the same traits that I find desireable in a human being. I don't know if I'm quite ready to commit yet, but I am thinking about marriage. And the best thing is, there will be no argument on where to go for the honeymoon. Well, I have to get ready for my date tonight. Tonight there's no compromise either--I'm eating Italian!
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
(ReVision)
Dear University of Florida,
I think you should change your mascot from a gator to the mathematical sign, "Greater Than," known symbolically as: >. Florida State could be the "Less Than" sign, <, instead of the Seminoles. That way, when you two play, the newspaper headline on the day after the game might read, "Florida Greaters greater than Less Than, but not equal to." Let me know what you think.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Hooters,
I just got back from visiting the legendary radio personality, Robbie Raggs, in Meridian Mississippi. While I was out there, I was shocked to discover that there was no Hooters. I also know that Meridian is a Military town. And, as any soldier will tell you, boobies don't belong on the battlefield, they belong in a Hooters t-shirt (or out of one), and they should be accompanied by two arms carrying a plate of hot wings in one hand, and a beer in the other. Boobies, beer and hot wings, what more could a soldier want (aside from not getting shot)?
So I am begging you to open up a Hooters in Meridian. It's good for business, and also, I have a theory that boobies help improve eye sight as well (some men, myself included, can see a nice pair from upwards of 800 meters). So save the soldier's eye sight and bring the Hooter's franchise to Meridian.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Wonder Bread,
You are such a wonderful corporation that I think you should have a picnic for all your employees and a few privelaged customers (wink, wink, quack, quack). Just in case you decide to hold the picnic, I am RSVPing right now, and I will be attending dressed as a giant duck. It would be marvelously fun if you could throw me chunks of your delicious bread as I snap them up with my beak. But, please, only throw bread. At the last company picnic I attended, some of the crueler corporate executives took to throwing heavier things at me such as hot dogs, whole watermelons, and even a few Trombones (it was a music retailer's picnic). I look forward to a full day of fun, and a stomach full of soggy bread.
Yours Truly,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Planters,
Hello, my name is Jarod, and I am a costume jazz musician. I would like to apply to perform at your next corporate function. My band name is "Good Elephantses Make Good Neighbors" (We all dress in elephant costumes). Jazz and Blues, as you are probably already aware of, are born out of sadness. We are method musicians, or we actually submerge ourselves in our characters before every performance. The best thing for a jazz performance would be ultimate sadness and anger. And what is saddest thing that could happen to an elephant? Well, if that elephant were allergic to peanuts, that would be pretty sad. So me and my band will all be playing that day from the perspective that we are depressed and angry that we ate peantus and we broke out in rashes. And Tommy, the pianist, always takes it a little too far, so it might be helpful if you don't have your peanut mascot present that day. I look forward to hearing back from you about further booking questions.
Thank you,
JArod Kintz
Dear Louis Vuitton,
Hello, my name is Jarod Kintz, but you can call be Jarod. Do you mind if I call you Lou? How about Big Lou? Big Lou, I've always been into women's purses, usually while they weren't looking, so it seems only natural now that I should want to design them. Working together, me and you, Big Lou, I hope to design the world's largest purse. It will be roughly the size and shape of a Boeing 747, except it will have your logo across the wings and fin. And on the promotional first flight, the only people allowed on the plane will have to come dressed in costume as giant Louis Vuitton wallets. You may be thinking, who is the market for one of these "super purses?" as I like to call it. Well, Elton John for one. And the best part is, unless Lockheed Martin goes into the black market, this will be your least bootlegged purse ever. I don't know about you, but I don't see too many street vendors hawking fake Delta planes at the flea markets. I hope you see the value of developing a super purse, and I look forward to doing business with you.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Louis Vuitton,
Hello, my name is Jarod Kintz, but you can call be Jarod. Do you mind if I call you Lou? How about Big Lou? Big Lou, I've always been into women's purses, usually while they weren't looking, so it seems only natural now that I should want to design them. Working together, me and you, Big Lou, I hope to design the world's largest purse. It will be roughly the size and shape of a Boeing 747, except it will have your logo across the wings and fin. And on the promotional first flight, the only people allowed on the plane will have to come dressed in costume as giant Louis Vuitton wallets. You may be thinking, who is the target market for one of these "super purses?" as I like to call them. Well, Elton John for one. And the best part is, unless Lockheed Martin goes into the black market, this will be your least bootlegged purse ever. I don't know about you, but I don't see too many street vendors hawking fake Delta planes at the flea markets. I hope you see the value of developing a super purse, and I look forward to doing business with you.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Project Runway,
I am a Project Runway megafan (due to my enlarged body mass), and I think I'd make a great contestant on your show. Here's why. Last week I had a Birthday party gig (I am a male stripper) at the Jacksonville zoo, for which I handmade myself a banana birthday suit (just the peel over my you know what). Little did I know that Raul, the birthday boy, was a fourteen-year-old chimpanzee. I've never taken so much crap as I did that afternoon, but the monkeys loved me. I make all my stripping costumes, and I feel I can design fantastic plus size dresses (I made my own wedding dress too, although I am still single and waiting). My suitcases are packed (I made those also), and I leave as soon as you affirmatively reply.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Hugh Heffner,
People always ask me if I could be reborn as any part of anybody's body, which body part would I be, and of whom? That's easy, I always say. I'd pick Hugh Heffner, and I think you know what body part I'd like to be, wink, wink. That's right, I'd like to be your gall bladder. I think about your digestive system all the time while I'm at work, even though I'm unemployed. I've even got a pet nickname for your gall bladder. I call him Wilt (although this could aptly be applied to another piece of your anatomy). I can't help but wonder if you appreciate your gall bladder as much as I do. Well, do you? If not, you owe it to society to donate it to a charity. The Jarod Kintz Gall Bladder Foundation comes to mind. We don't waste our gall bladders on needy kids at our charity, we put them in glass jars and put them on display for all to gawk at. We're a little ahead of the curve yet, and the general public hasn't caught on to the greatness of the gall bladdder. I hope to hear back from you soon, and I hope you'll donate your gall bladder.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Yahoo,
I'm thinking about starting my own search engine, but I don't know what kind of oil to use, or what kind of filter. I'd like to filter out the pornography, but porn is so prolific online that my filter would have to be very large and a few midgets would inevitably slip past the large filter holes as well. And everything I do I do for the little man. So how can I filter out the pornography, midget porn included, yet still maintain a midget demographic? I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Longhorn Steakhouse,
I feel that ther's no better place to take a date than your fine steakhouse. Well, aside from my local cemetary. That's where I take a girl on our first date so we can ponder our mortality. I usually ask the girl to meet me there, and I show up dressed like a Spanish Conquistador, and hide amongst the Spanish moss in a large oak tree. And I bring a generator-powered fog machine too, just to enhance the moment. The fastest way to get a girl out of her panties is to make her crap her pants, at least in my personal experience. The kind of women who usually show up at the cemetary are like how I like my steaks: rare. Rare, but not bleeding--the women I mean. Nobody likes a bloody date, except for the English. But lots of people like a bloody steak. Would you agree that the two essential things that one must have on a date would be A1 sauce and toilet paper? Well, I have a date tonight and I've got to get my costume ready. talk to you soon.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Best Buy,
What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser, that's why he's number two. You have to be better than the best. That's why I think you guys should change your name to Better Than Best Buy. Let everybody know you're not just the best, you're better than the best. This is an old woman on the edge of the stairs kind of marketing campaign. All you need is a good push to make a killing. Let me know if you decide to use my idea.
Best,or Better Than Best,
Jarod Kintz
Dear eBirdseed.com,
It's been said that a man trapped in his own mind is not a man, he's an animal. Do you know who said that? My nephew, just before he went crazy in his isolated cell. After that, most of us, Uncle Tabitha aside, felt really awful about having him committed in the asylum. Aside from his breath that smelled like the cream cheese I used to keep in my gym socks in middle school, and his odd habit of wearing his underwear on the outside of his sweaters, he really wasn't all that bad. He was a ventriloquist by trade, and he used to scream at his mother, my sister, and make it look like I was yelling at her (Which I always found odd because I'm a mime by profession, even though I'm quite unprofessional). But he's doing better now that he lost his voice, his job, and his entire collection of Scooby Doo paraphernalia, and he is now living comfortably in the bushes in our backyard. He bathes occasionally in the bird feeder, and we feed him bird seed everyday. But I am writing to you today because I am wondering how much bird seed should you normally feed an abnormal, or just plain crazy, man? I look forward to your response soon.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Cingular,
If a man with multiple personality disorder has two pairs of ears, four arms, four arms, and four Cingular phones, he could, under your friends and family plan, talk to himself all day long for free, couldn't he? I'm not asking for myself, I'm asking for a friend of mine. What? Oh, right, a friend of ours. Yes, that does include you, Jimmy. Sorry, I'm back. We look forward to hearing from you soon about our, I mean my, question.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz & friends
Dear Chiquita,
Yesterday my friend called me a monkey head. I got enraged and said some pretty nasty things, among which I might have actually called her a banana brain. She then called me a cannibal, asking if that meant that I wanted to eat her brain? I angrily retorted, "Not unless I have foot cramps." Lucky for her I didn't, otherwise I just might have cracked her skull and spooned her to death. What is it about bananas that invokes primitive violence in people? How many bananas does it take to start a fight? None, probably, bananas only finish fights. Parents are worried about their kids watching TV and playing videogames. I think the real rise in crime is directly linked to any increase in banana consumption. They say a monkey could endlessly tap on a keyboard and randomly produce Shakespeare. I think that a banana could willfully kill more people than Stalin. In fact, Stalin might have been under the influence of bananas. I hope you sleep safe at night knowing full well of your negative impact on society.
Yours truly,
Jarod Kintz
(Re Vision)
Dear Cingular,
If a man with multiple personality disorder has two pairs of ears, four arms, four mouths, and four Cingular phones, he could, under your friends and family plan, talk to himself all day long for free, couldn't he? I'm not asking for myself, I'm asking for a friend of mine. What? Oh, right, a friend of ours. Yes, that does include you, Jimmy. Sorry, I'm back. We look forward to hearing from you soon about our, I mean my, question.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz & friends
Dear Julliard,
It must be wonderful to be as musical as you are. I'm not at all musical. Even if I had ears for eyes I still couldn't read music. If I had that I'd be blind as a bat, but I'd be Beethoven. My cousin's a musical prodigy. He's also blind as a bat, and he lives in a cave where he orchestrates his masterpieces. He works a lot with echos as well as strange screeching noises. He explained his musical theory to me, but I must confess it was over my head (and not just because he was hanging upside down from the cave ceiling either). He's basically a mixture of Batman and Beethoven. He's Beethman! You definitely need to recruit him for your school. He could revolutionize music as we know it. If you need to get in touch with him, I'll show you which cave he dwells in. I look forward to hearing back from you soon.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Sea World,
If the ocean was my home, and I had fish for neighbors, would I stil be able to eat them like I do now? Not the fish, but the neighbors, who also happen to be fish. It's not that I hate neighbors, because with a little Old Bay and some butter, they can be quite tasty. Your theme park has inspired me. I want to open up tours along the largest Aquarium in the world, the Pacific Ocean. But I am superstitious. Last week I spilled some salt water, and to reverse the bad luck, I threw a bucket full of salt water over my left shoulder. Unfortunately for me, the group of investors I was talking to, happened to be right behind me, and dressed like slugs, so our deal quickly shrivelled up. I was wondering if you'd financially back me to open up this new walking tour of the Pacific Ocean? Instead of paying me by the hour, you could pay me by the yard. And I'd just walk up and down the beach talking to people about ocean life. I hope you decide to invest in this exciting new opportunity.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Penguin Books,
What's black and white and read all over? A penguin book in this modern blender of a society. I call it a blender of a society because it is such a mixture of ignorant people and educated people. Lots of people today aren't about appreciating a person with a big Dickens collection, but thanks to you my "collection," as all my ex girlfriends call it has grown well over two inches! I just wanted to let you know that you have greatly enhanced my sex life as well. Nothing beats great sex, except of course a great book.
Yours Truly,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Purina,
I've heard it said that Taco Bell's meat is the same quality as dog food, but I've never made a burrito out of dog food that tasted as great as one from Taco Bell. Do you sell higher end dog food that I might be able to make a better burrito out of? On a seperate note, they say that dogs are man's best friend. Do you think that a creature who was half man, half dog would be the loneliest being because he was his own best friend, or the happiest being? I hope to hear back from you soon on the higher end beef.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Orville Redenbachers,
Popcorn always makes me think of my youth. Mother used to make us pack popcorn when we would take really long trips. That way, when the U.S. mailmen threw around the boxes we were traveling in, we didn't break that many bones. I used to love being surrounded by popcorn so much that sometimes I even wished I could be some popcorn. But then I reconsidered because I don't like being shoved in the microwave too much. Those are some of my least favorite childhood memories. Good thing I didn't have my braces on at the times I spent in the microwave. I now have a phobia of microwaves, so sadly I haven't been able to pop any of your wonderful popcorn in years. Is there any way I can pop your bags of popcorn without using the microwave?
Frightfully yours,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Arby's,
For the past year I've been trying to set a world record. After thousands of broken plates, rejection letters, bowling ball injuries, and many other fiascos, I think I may have that perfect idea. But I'll need your help to achieve it. Together, I'd like to design and build the world's largest suspension bridge/roast beef sandwish. By the time of it's completion in the year 2020, it will span from New York City to London, England. We'll also need to partner up with Ziplock to ensure that our bridge doesn't start to rot over the course of many hot summers. This should not only bring you fantastic publicity, but it will also bring me my much coveted Guinness world record. With your go ahead I'd like to start building after my nap tomorrow afternoon.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Billagio,
Everywhere I go, people assume I'm from Las Vegas. And it's not entirely because I dress and do my hair like Elvis, or drive a pink Cadillac. No, I'm not an impersonator of his, I've just inherited a natural style and sex appeal from nature, and a pink Cadillac from my Grandmother. But the main reason I exude a Vegas demeanor is because I'm a compulsive gambler. I bet on anything and everything--things like if it's going to rain tomorrow, what time if it does, and will anybody be run over by a bus tonight? You know, the odds go up greatly that somebody will get hit if you're driving the bus. Well, I am driving the bus--all the way to Vegas, baby. And I hope to stay at your hotel. But since there are so many fraudulent people in Vegas who look like me, I'll be doing a complete makeover of my appearance just for the trip. I'll be dressed like Jack Nicholson doing a Robert Downey Jr. impression of Whoopi Goldberg. Basically, I'll look like a vagrant, a homeless person. But to get to the point of this email, I'm wondering how much it will cost to book a bench of yours for the weekend, taking into account the fact that I'll be bringing my own newspapers to sleep with? I look forward to your reply.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Hunt's,
Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries. I once tried to stab my brother with a French fry, but he was too cunning for that. He deftly jumped out of the way and countered with a juicy pickle. You can never fully appreciate life until you've stared death in it's slimy, green eye. I'm writing to ask you what your historical opinion would be if the Red sea were made of ketchup, and when Moses parted it, what would be the outcome if the Egyptians all got off their chariots/hot dog vending carts and took the time to enjoy the condiment? How would this single event have changed the street vending history of the world? I look forward to your reply, and keep up making the world's finest ketchup.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Frito Lay,
I like your chips so much that sometimes I wish everything I owned were made out of your chips. Except my shoes, because I don't like crushed chips as much as whole chips. And also not Mr. Fizzlebush either, because his fur is soft and silky and your chips are coarse and rough. But maybe Mr. Fizzlebush's tongue could be a Frito Lay chip because it already is coarse and rough and then when he licks my plate of food I wouldn't mind eating it afterwards. But the pertinent reason I am writing to you today is I think you guys need to relocate to Silicon valley. You guys need to start making computer chips. I think my computer would run faster if I dumped a bag of your chips onto the motherboard. And indeed that's what I did, but I think that the dip I dumped on later fried some of the circuits. You could make the world's first edible computer, or just the computer chips I’d love to go to a gas station to buy a bag of computer chips. No longer would people die of heart attacks, they’d die because their stomachs got so smart they took over their bodies only to have a mutiny of the other body parts out of intellectual jealousy and the stomach, along with the rest of everyone’s bodies, would starve to death. This is exciting! I anxiously look forward to seeing a new Frito Lay computer, or just the computer chips on the market soon.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
Dear ShowDog.com,
I've always wanted to be a professional dog walker, but I'm just not good on all fours. And my Mr. Fizzlebush moves more like a bear than a cat, but he only eats dog food and he only dates women who speak English as a second language. English is not his native tongue, his is a bit rougher, and much more pink. But we both want to be professional dog walkers, but neither one of us know the first thing about modeling. I've heard of models learning how to walk the catwalk, but where does one go to learn how to dog walk? I feel that I could be the poster child for urban canine clothing, and I can't hardly wait for your reply.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Oakbrook Walk,
I don't know if you've heard the exciting news yet, but I'll be moving back down to Gainesville in less than four months. And I am hoping to lease a two bedroom apartment with my friend and business partner, Mr. Fizzlebush. We own our own company, Beach Bathrooms. It's based on a simple concept really. Everyone likes to go to the bathroom in the ocean, but not everybody has access to the world's largest toilet also known as the ocean, so we bring that pure elation that accompanies going to the bathroom at the beach to all landlocked people. It's basically nothing more than sand and a box, but it greatly conserves on people's water bill. I know what you're thinking, "hey, that sounds a lot like a litter box. And litter boxes mean pets, and we don't allow pets here at Oakbrook Walk." Well yes, it basically is like a litter box, but what does the term "pet" mean anyway? We at Beach Bathrooms believe that a pet is anyone or anything that you love enough to scoop their excrement out of a tiny box every morning. And I guess that makes each and every one of my customers (my Grandma is our only customer so far. We talked her into trading in her old bed pan for our newest model that's shaped like a kitchen sink for all those culinary people) his or her own pet. So I'm hoping you won't consider me my own pet, and allow Mr. Fizzlebush and I to move in at the end of the summer.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Sound Advice,
Last night I had a Birthday party, and the speakers I bought at one of your stores was thumping so loud that they blew out my ear drums like candles on my cake, which was strange because I didn't have any candles on my cake this year. This not being able to hear thing is a terrible nuisance. What is a decibal anyways? Haha, I'm always catching things like this. I get a cold every year like clockwork in Switzerland. So how long will this lack of hearing last? Should I just drink lots of orange juice and get lots of sleep and ust wait it out? Please respond by email because i won't be able to hear the phone ring.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Golden Corral,
I enjoy food for thought, especially if it's a buffet. Sometimes I think so much I throw up. But then I always go back up and hit the ice cream machine. I love your rolls, they are a major motivating force in my life. As an intellectual I find war strongly distasteful, yet I know that it is sadly a part of every society. But I believe that the key to global peace lies not in diplomacy or intellectual persuits, but in your soft rolls with their hint of honey that slides across your tongue just a few moments after that smooth buttery taste dissolves into sweet perfection. I think soldiers should be armed not with guns, but with baskets full of your rolls that they would hurl into hostile enemy forces thus forcing them to displace their hate with culinary elation. I also think we should change the American symbol from an Eagle to the Golden Coral Roll. I'm starting a petition, and I'm hosting a buffet banquet--at your San Jose location in Jacksonville, Fl. I hope your corporate executives will count themselves part of the peaceful revolution.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Rooms To Go,
If there were no instruments and no voices in the world, would man's ears be merely for decoration? Ears are funny looking when you take them as stand alone objects, they are not aesthetically fit for decoration. I'd much rather decorate my house with the olfactory in mind. Nobody would come to my place and say the walls have ears, they'd say the walls have noses. Every room in my house would have a nasal theme, except the bathroom of course. I believe life is like being on a unicycle on a tightrope--it's all about balance. Life and death, black and white, yin and yang. What is the opposite and complimentary anatomical object of the human nose? The index finger, that's what. How much would it cost to decorate my entire two bedroom apartment in noses and fingers? Can we do it for under twenty thousand dollars? I look forward to your reply.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Sony,
Thinking about all of your electronics makes me smile brighter than a Phillips flat screen TV. Of course I don't really have an electric smile, because if I did everytime I drank something I'd electrocute myself. But being electrocuted runs in the family. My aunt was electrocuted the morning she realized she had no hot water in the shower, so she decided to get warm by bringing in her electric blanket. And then my snappy Grandpappy Willard died in the electric chair. Not the ones used in prisons, but this was an actual chair that had a plug that plugs into the wall. And somebody decided to duct tape him to that chair, plug it into the wall, and throw both him and the chair into the pool. I was devistated for about a week after he died because we had to have the pool drained and I couldn't go swimming. So you can see that electronics are a big part of my heritage. If you ever need a consumer to be a part of any of your test market surveys, I'd be more than happy to give you my neighbors phone number. They are always doing random things like that. Well, I'll talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Bridgestone,
The world is about balance, much like a good set of tires. Good and evil are the major balancing forces in this realm we call life. I think the most evil invention in the history of mankind has to be brakes. I think this because I feel the greatest, most noble invention in the history of man is the wheel. And brakes are jealous of the wheel's majesty, and they only serve to slow the wheel down and they are always trying to wear the wheel down and make them stop doing what they do best. And what they do best is rotate, and nature appreciates this. The earth rotates, the seasons rotate, my hips rotate when I gyrate them. So you guys keep on making great tires, and don't let those brake manufacturers slow you down.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Xerox,
Who invented the first copy machine? Was it Mr. Copy? Was he an original kind of guy, or just a duplicator? I love using your naughty machines. Pants down, fog alert, that's the way I like to work. I literally walk around the office with my pants around my ankles. That way, I can get into all sorts of trouble and not worry about people catching me with my pants down. My female secretary hates it that I do it. She asked me to make a copy of our company policies regarding sexual harassment, but instead I posted copies of my sweet ass all over the office. And I couldn't have done it without you guys. That's why I'm writing this email of appreciation to you today. Just my way of saying thanks, for giving me the courage to let it all hang out.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear eBay,
I love the concept of an online auction, but last time I sold something on eBay I broke my keyboard because I slammed my mallet too hard into it at the closing of the sale. It always amazes me what prices will pay for some of the crap I sell. I mean, it's not like they can't just walk into their own neighbors yard and scoop some up for themselves. People are way too lazy today. They'd rather have the poop shipped to them, rather than bend down and apply a little effort. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for providing this unique business/consumer dynamic in the marketplace.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Fossil,
Do you think dinosaurs wore watches? If so, maybe they knew when their time was up. I don't wear a watch myself because I don't believe in time, or rather I choose not to acknowledge it. That way, when Armageddon comes, maybe I'll be spared. You know how they make non alcoholic beer? Could you sell me a dysfunctional watch, so I could still look stylish, yet retain my ignorance? I don't want a broken watch, because that is not new and perfect. I want a watch that was intentionally designed not to work. I hope you can accommodate my needs and you respond in a timely matter. But if you don't, it's not like I would know how long it took you to write back anyways.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Parker Brothers,
I feel the decline in board game popularity and the rise in video games among America's youth signals a decline in society. America's youth have weak minds and strong thumbs. In fact, if thumbs were bodies, I'd be carrying a pair of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s, which I do anyway in the form of action figure keychain dolls of the Governator himself. You should make a World's Strongest Man board game complete with two dice, rope, weights, hernia belt, and an RV that the players would have to tow. It's a game I think I'd win thumbs down. I'm writing you now to give you plenty of developmental time for it's Christmas release date (hopefully). I can't wait to play your new game.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Dole,
As an artist, I understand the beauty of fruit. I love still lifes of apples and bananas and oranges. But I'm an abstract artist, so my paintings don't realistically represent the fruit per se. Critics of my fruit baskets say that they looks more like a recreation of a homicide scene. In fact, they say it looks exactly like a family of four got dropped out of a twenty story building, which is crazy because they didn't get dropped, they jumped. Of course that's purely speculation, what do I know about the motives of a banana? Actually, I know more than I let on. When you spend enough time in the trees talking to the monkeys, you get a whole new perspective on bananas. But I have a thorough psychological understanding of all fruit. It's the natural outcome of a man who spends all his time talking to the monkeys, which is why I'm writing you today. The monkeys need your help. I am the head ambassador to all the monkeys in the United States, and I was wondering if you could donate two jugs of juice a week to my house, and I'll distribute it to needy monkeys everywhere. Don't turn your back on the monkeys. For just two jugs of juice a week you could greatly impact the lives of needy monkeys everywhere. I hope you decide to donate to this worthy charity.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Uno,
I am your numero uno fan. I've been playing Uno ever since I can remember. But I feel it's time to introduce a sequel to your game, an Uno 2 if you will. Or even better, Uno Dos. I guess instead of yelling uno one card before you go out, you'd yell uno dos when you only have tres (three) cards left. Let me know what you think about the sequel to Uno.
Thenk you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Big Lots,
Do you sell log cabins in your store, or just the lots? Lincoln grew up in a log cabin, but not one of the ones that you should sell in your stores. If tallness is greatness, Lincoln was the greatest President in this country's history by a long shot, well several inches anyway. I don't measure greatness by the tallness of things, I measure greatness by widths. In this case, I think your store is superior to Wallmart, who have paradoxically the narrowist ailes and the widest customers. I think you should come out with a new slogan that says, "Girth is Greatness--and we're the biggest." Go ahead and take it, I've got many more ideas. If you do decide to use it, however, I'd like to play Lincoln on the commercial (I'll get shot in the commercial and that symbolizes shooting down the competition). I look forward to hearing back from you on this.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Six Flags,
If anybody knows about roller coasters, besides you guys of course, it's me. It's my middle name, or names, as it is two words. Whatever happened to wooden roller coasters? Today all I see are metal ones. Have you ever considered making a roller coaster out of pencils? You might have shorter lines this way. Or maybe even using toothpicks, and have the seats be sandwiches, minus the mayonnaise of course. It would be the world's fastest sandwich, even though I have been known to hurl a Rueben sandwich at nearly ninety miles per hour. I’m stoked about sandwiches, so let's put this project into motion, and get roller coasters popping like a brown lunch bag full of air that meets headlong into an open palm.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
(Re=Vision)
Dear Uno,
I am your numero uno fan. I've been playing Uno ever since I was cuatro (four). But I feel it's time to introduce a sequel to your game, an Uno 2 if you will. Or even better, Uno Dos. I guess instead of yelling uno one card before you go out, you'd yell uno dos when you only have tres (three) cards left. Let me know what you think about the sequel to Uno.
Muchas gracias,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Caterpillar,
A lot of women get butterfly tattoos on their bodies, but I got one that's better. I got a caterpillar tattooed on each of my shoulders. These two dump truck tattoos represent the heavy lifting and power that is my arms. OK, so I'm a writer and I only lift a pencil and a keyboard, but I consider it working with my hands, and therefore it's manual labor. You know what would be cool? If you guys came out with a line of flying dump trucks. But you came out with them under a new brand name called Butterfly. I'll bet a lot more women would go into the construction industry if they could drive around a Butterfly all day long. I'd go get wings added on my tats and then tell people that I have two butterfly tattoos. You'd be a hit with both sexes then. Shoot, I'd bet even hermaphrodites would love it. If you do decide to use my concept, I'd like to appear as the male butterfly on your commercial. Just give me a pair of wings and a construction hat and I'm happy. I'll send you some head shots for the shoot upon your reply. Talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear American Dental Association,
Without dentist, there would be no teeth. And without teeth, there would be no toothpicks. And toothpicks, as you are probably aware, are the greatest invention in the history of man. One day we're making toothpicks, the next we're landing on the moon. So without dentists there would be no landing on the moon. And if we didn't land on the moon, the Russians might have won the cold war. So the dentistry profession single handedly won us the cold war. So no matter what people might say about dentists, you guys are real American heroes in my book; and my book is very short and full of bright pictures and lovely scented flowers that I plucked from my neighbors garden before laminating and gluing on the cover. Basically, my book is a bunch of pictures of my favorite dentists, and their brief biographies. In fact, the only other person in my book who is a non-dentist patriot is the man with no arms who goes around the neighborhood kicking over everybody's trash cans on trash day. This country was founded by rebels, and in his own little way he's making a bold political statement. I don't know exactly what he's trying to enlighten us with, but it might have something to do with our current economic situation and ballooning debt. Or maybe he's mad at the man for holding the armless man down. Anyways, if you guys want me too, I'll make some copies of my book so that you can promote it at your next convention. Let me know if you are interested.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Prada,
Your handbags are so elegant that they must make women’s arms feel like royalty. It must be a sweet feeling walking around with two queens stuck to one's side, and having the aristocracy work for you. I know if I felt like I had a couple of kings glued to my side, I'd have them fight for territory, and then I'd swoop in and label them as heretics and have them beheaded. Sure, I might have no hands then, but I'd be the moral superior. People should fear the man, and not the hand. So in a way, your purses make the philosophical claim that democracy is superior to any monarchy. Yet, paradoxically, Prada is the king of purses. So even though your philosophy might be noble, you intellectually undercut yourself by the quality of your product. But you should make light out of this paradox, and create the world's first purse that resembles the head of a famous beheaded queen. Not only will it be a novelty, but it will let people know where you stand on this great social issue. Let me know what you think of my Mary Queen of Scots, and other famous beheaded royalty, idea for a new line of purses.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Gallo,
You guys just might be the greatest modern day wine makers. If it weren't for Jesus, you might be the greatest of all time. But you make wine from grapes, and he made it from water. The only thing I can make from water is Kool-Aid, and even then I still need the Kool-Aid mix. Wine is at least a billion dollar industry, and if your grapes didn't grow on the vine, you'd actually have money growing on trees. But what if money literally did grow on trees, and I wanted to eat a pile of cash with some friends, would you recommend a white wine, or a red wine with that meal? Or what about a pink wine? A blending of the two. Pink and green go great together. Well, good luck with your grapes, and I hope this year, and every year is a good year for your wines.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
Time is money, and girls take up too much of both.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Carnival Cruise Lines,
I love cruises, and I love carnivals, so it's only natural that I'd love Carnival Cruise Lines. Is your cruise ship a circus of the sea? Because if it is, I'd like to lend you my special talents for a week. You might not be aware, and neither is Guinness Book of World Records, but I am a World Record holder. You see, I can blow up a thousand balloons in just under a second. But I've only done it once, because the dynamite almost blew of my fingers as well. But balloons have always been a passion of mine. There are plenty of people who can make animals out of balloons, but how many people can make a balloon out of an animal (and I don't use dynamite anymore)? But I only make what I call a Bombay Balloon. This is a black balloon made out of a black cat. And I recycle the balloon, so I'm always using the same Bombay cat. So if we work out a deal where I am working on your ship for my week long stay, I will need room accomodations for both myself, and for Mr. Fizzlebush (that's the name of my balloon). Mr. Fizzlebush and I were born to entertain for your guests, and I look forward to cruising with you.
Thank you,
JArod Kintz
Dear Barnes and Noble,
I like books about sex because they are freaky under the covers, where I am never freaky under my covers (well at least not with anybody else). I consider the relationship between reader and book to be sort of an intellectual partnership, and I've had many sex book partners. I'm just not a monogamous reader. Nope, I read around. If there was such a thing as intellectual prostitution, you'd be the biggest pimp. And I know that Pimpin' aint easy, so I'd just like to say thanks. Thanks for always providing me with great reading material, and helping me build up my intellectual stamina so that I'm not a one minute reader anymore.
Yours truly,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Hummer,
Nothing could look tougher, yet so handsome as your SUV, not even if someone laid Arnold Schwarzenegger on his stomach and drilled two axels through him and stuck four wheels on them. If machine became man, I think your automobile could run, and win, to become the first SUV governor of California. It'd be the SUVernor. Are you planning on running your H3 for President in 2008? If you need a campaign manager, look no further than right here. Not to blow my own horn, but I'm like a self-conscious saxophone marching in a one man band with no conductor, and no legs to step to. That's how I roll. I look forward to leading your campaign for the Presidency.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear CSX,
You are my inspiration for life. Growing up, my life wasn’t easy. As it turns out, I was raised on the wrong side of the train tracks. I think. I'm dyslexic so I get confused as to which side is the wrong side. You see, we had property on both sides, so no matter how you look at it I was always the outcast. I had no friends, so I stayed indoors and played with myself all the time. Mother didn't like that too much. But until recently, I never used toys, either big or small. Then someone introduced me to the idea of model trains. Yes, I thought, they are skinny enough, but you'd have to find clothes that would be long enough for them. And the runway would be the railway. And nobody has prettier looking trains than you do (they are my fantasy). So I was wondering when the next fashion show was? I'd really love to come out and see the next season's fashions, and show some love to the models.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Sleep Number Bed,
I just recently slept on one of your patented Sleep Number mattresses, and I have to say that it was very comfortable. Much more comfortable than sleeping on a dozen geese, even with all of their beaks completely broken off. Although, wet geese are very comfortable. It's like solid meets liquid, sort of like a feathery gel. But wet geese smell too bad, but your mattresses didn't smell too bad. I should be a spokesperson for your company. Geico's got the caveman, you could have the slumbering Madman. You should also converge your company with Pampers, for people like me who want a good mattress that can hold lots of urine so that every night when I wet the bed, it doesn't leak onto the carpet. And add some air fresheners so that your mattresses don't smell too bad. I feel I was born to represent your company, so let me know if I'm right for the part.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
(ReVision)
Dear Hummer,
Nothing could look tougher, yet so ruggedly handsome as your SUV, not even if someone laid Arnold Schwarzenegger on his stomach and drilled two axels through him and stuck four wheels on them. If machine became man, I think your automobile could run, and win, to become the first SUV governor of California. It'd be the SUVernor. Are you planning on running your H3 for President in 2008? If you need a campaign manager, look no further than right here. Not to blow my own horn, but I'm like a self-conscious saxophone marching in a one man band with no conductor, and no legs to step to. That's how I roll. I look forward to leading your campaign for the Presidency.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Genius is an arch, an intellectual ability to bend and twist in thought. My mind is as flexible as a balerina, I just have yet to figure out how to stuff the left hemisphere of my brain into my tiny right dancing shoe.
-Jarod Kintz
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