Jarod Kintz, John told me to check out your t shirts and comics. It's good to see that you are still as hilarious as ever.Stay wild and call me sometime. I miss talking to you. -Melissa
Silence is a valuable commodity in today's societies. I wish people were born with zippers on their mouth so we could zip some people's mouths shut. Luckily for me, I am deaf out of my left ear. -Mr. Polko
Yes, canned urine is a solid investmenmt. Good thing I got in early, it's going for over thirty dollars a gallon now, and expected to rise even farther. The kids in Africa love splashing around in urine, and we in the west are willing to pay exorbitant sums of money for some tinkle tinkle. God I love capitolism.
Me too. Here is an inside tip though. If you ever run out of your own supply, you can pick up semi-aged urine on E-bay for way less than the normal asking price. My grandmother makes a fortune selling hers there.
Very surreal comic. I used that word in front of my wife today and she pretended to know what it meant. Ha. Good thing I married her for her beauty. I wish she would keep her mouth shut.
I know a mime who talked so much he would hurt my eyes. So I cut off his hands and he screamed so loud that he damaged my ears. I wanted to cut out his tongue, but I thought it might give me a bad taste in my mouth. So I just stuffed him in a basket and threw him in the sea. Last I heard he was making a great living in France as minister of defence. -Jarod Kintz
Being unoriginal is like playing the prop in some play. You are needed to help move along proceedings but you will never change the course of the script.
Being unoriginal is like playing the prop in some play. You are needed to help move along the proceedings but you will never change the course of the script.
Men and women never seem to be on the same page, even when it is from the same book. It dosen't really matter though because the book they are reading from is the GUIDE TO ALL KNOWN LANGUAGES, and there will never be an interperter.
I have been with Amy for over two years now. I love being with her. We’re always doing things I love to do. The amusement parks, the action movies, football games, poker nights, you name it we do it. She is the only girl for me. I don’t even think about anybody else. It’s not like I noticed the exact shade of blue our waitress eyes were yesterday. Or this morning, the girl behind the counter of the store bent over and I could see her thong. It’s not like I was looking. No, Amy is the only girl for me. Here she comes now. “What do you want to do today?” She asks. “I was thinking we could go out to lunch with my grandmother.” “Ha. That sounds like a real hoot. Not unless she wants to come with us to Hooters.” I say as we walk out to my car and get in. Once inside the car she turns to look at me. “How come you never open the car door for me?” “Are you fucking kidding me? That shit went out when women got the right to vote. I don’t want to make you feel inferior, that’s all. I do it for you, babe.” She doesn’t turn her head to look at me. “So are we going to go out to eat with Grandmother, she really isn’t feeling well.” “I don’t know. Is she going to pick up the tab?” I say as I reach my hand down to crank up the volume on the radio. She starts to speak then she reaches to turn down the volume. “Why is it that we always do what you want to do?” “Don’t be like this. We are not always doing what I want to do. Can we talk about this after this song, I haven’t heard it in forever?” I ask as I reach back down and crank up the volume again. -Jarod Kintz
Some people are afraid of sex with either a man or a woman. These are called phobisexuals.A lumberjack who is afraid of wood is a 2xphobia. -Jarod Kintz
A homeless man once asked me for a dollar. I said it would cost him. He asked how much? I asked him what he had for collateral? He asked, what's collateral? I said, what do you have that's worth a dollar? He looked around, dumb as a dog, and said nothing. I said, here's the deal, your life for this dollar, and I gave him the dollar. Then I shot him and took my dollar back. So essentially I made 100 percent on my money in under three minutes. Now that's what I call investing. -Jarod Kintz
Halfobia: Fear of meeting a spouse in the middle in a relationship. Laughobia: fear of laughter, most frequently found in librarians, high school math teachers, and most stupid people.
Jimmy Mattox was a whiz with numbers. The next Gauss, I thought. I thought they were going to change Math to MatheMattox. Until he lost his thumb in an epic battle of thumb war. Ever since then, all his equations are off by one. -Jarod Kintz
Epitaphobia: fear of having a lifetime of mediocracy summed up in a difinitive way. Death is cause for a laugh, when dealt a harsh epitaph. -Jarod Kintz
Business is just thievery in suits. And it's hard to sprint across the wet parking lot of a shopping mall with security guards chasing you while wearing dress shoes. The security guards represent the IRS. -Jarod Kintz
sometimes Jarod Kintz can be so damn annoying. this morning he was singing in the shower so loud they asked him to leave the gym. then he started urinating in the lockers before vomiting in some guy's shoes. as they escorted him out he was screaming in broken german something about his neighbors dog and the security guard's grandma, i don't really know. i think he made up half the words on the spot. what an ass! JAcksonville ROcks Don't you Know? If you've Never been There Zip on over and check it out.
Ora and I are going to a halloween party in my story. I'm going as a lab rat, he's going dressed as a giant bag of Sweet n Low, and Matt is a bald superhero with a giant C on his chest that stands for CancerMan. -Jarod Kintz
When you are most afraid is the chance for you to be the most couragious. I'm afraid of all you can eat buffets, that's why I feel like a war hero after eatimg six plates at Golden Corral. -Jarod Kintz
A begger once asked me if I had any change. I thought for a second as I looked down at his dirty feet. A man with no shoes probably has no home. A man with no home probably has no teeth. And a man with no teeth probably doesn't have any gum. So I said I have change if you have gum, and he smiled a toothless grin and said, "ain't got no teeth." And I said, "now that really bites," and I walked off. -Jarod Kintz
You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my naked wife's body glistened through his kitchen window. -Jarod Kintz
You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they go about life's menial tasks. For example, I went over to my neighbor's house for dinner and I could tell he was a murderer by the efficient way he chopped up the celery, carrots, and body parts. That, plus I was the one who held the man down while he stabbed him. -Jarod Kintz
The first thing I look for in a potential girlfriend is she has got to have a body. Doesn't matter how she got it, or how old it is, just so long as it's not decomposing yet. -Jarod Kintz
I sign all paperwork with my feet dripped in ink. It's the nude heel approach. I also won't shake their hand with my hand, I use my penis. -Jarod Kintz
Is it better to have twice as many friends and half the time to spend with them all, half as many friends and twice the time to spend with them all, or twice as many friends who are only half as tall? -Jarod Kintz
My friend went to his Doctor after learning his infection had spread and they would have to amputate his right arm. He asked the Doctor what he should do. "Are you right handed?" the Doctor asked. "Yeah," my friend replied. The Doctor began to pull out his wallet. "Seeing that you're kind of an ugly man, I'd be willing to make you a generous offer on whatever porn DVDs you've got. You obviously won't be needing them anymore." -Jarod Kintz
An albino with a black eye patch and an abnormal, cancerous tumor growing out of his forehead would make a great mascot for an underprivelaged school. -Jarod Kintz
After he shot her, and before he left the scene of the crime, he placed a sign at the back of her bullet-torn skull that said, Exit Only. I don't think he actually left that way, he just put it there to throw the police off his trail. -Jarod Kintz
Whenever something goes missing in my life, something that I can't remember what I did with it (like my childhood), I always ask myself if the albino had an alibi. If he doeesn't, I know where he hides his stolen goods. So I checked, and sure enough, my childhood memories were in his pants. -Jarod Kintz
I had an upsetting morning this morning. I was out on my daily run when I saw an old man walking his dog get run over by a speeding Porche. I ran over to find them both dead. And then I noticed his handlebar mustache and realized this was my neighbor, Don. It's such a waste. This is the first time I have seen him in months, ever since I leant him money, and he isn't even carrying his wallet. -Jarod Kintz
Last night I was out drinking with my buddy, who happens to be a lubrication salesman, and we both got loaded. I got crazy and wanted to drive off, but he took my car keys before I could get in the car. And just so I wouldn't try to snatch them from him, he inserted them into his well lubricated ass. Well, that didn't stop me, I rolled up my sleeves and went in anyways. He tried to act like he wasn't enjoying it (so did I), but I knew he was. While I was up there my watch came loose and slid off. I had just recieved it as part of a larger gift( the whole arm). After I sobered it we drove home(I have no idea what time it was). I am just glad that watches are more like bracelets than necklaces. -Jarod Kintz
The squirrel community is divided up into two halves: The Haves and the Have Nuts. Both have the same thing, and both have nothing to worry about except for cars, powerlines, and little kids with bb guns. -Jarod Kintz
I think I had food poisening yesterday. Right after I ate I got a rash. It was either the food, or the fact that I went back to work and Mother neglected to change my diaper. -Jarod Kintz
I was such a loser back in high school. I took the girl with the two big, cancerous toes sticking out of her forehead to the Prom. I was so nervous I kept stepping all over her toes. But despite all that, I did manage to get lucky. She let me clip here toe nails. -Jarod Kintz
I want to be a music teacher. I want to teach deaf children with no fingers or toes to play air guitar while they play chess with a computer named Leroy I keep in the attic with all the other deaf children. -Jarod Kintz
If I were a duck, and you started throwing bread at me, I might get offended. I mean bread and water is what prisoners of war get fed. Plus, people only throw the old bread, and that's rock hard. I might as well be getting stoned. -Jarod Kintz
If I were a duck and you threw some bread at me I'd probably start thinking about ham> And if my thoughts were smooth like mayonaisse, I'd have a ham sandwich. -Jarod Kintz
If I could meet any group of people, in any time period, I might meet Jesus and his apostles. But I might also like to meet Ben Franklin's regular orgy group. I'd say, I'm here for the sex. Let's all get naked and talk about how liberating it is. I'll bet you can't do this with the King, huh? God bless America, and all its freedom. Freedom from oppresive things like Kings. Kings and underwear. -Jarod Kintz
If tissues were people, I'd be embarrassed to sneeze into one. I don't like sneezing on strangers, except when I walk into Wal Mart. I must be allergic to poor, obese people. -Jarod Kintz
College is a great place to meet lots of interesting people, get them naked, and have them never remember you again. But so is the nursing home. -Jarod Kintz
It always makes me feel a little bit guilty when I have to eat one of my friends. but I don't feel guilty if that friend impregnated my girlfriend the weekend I was in Vancouver, particularly because I've never been to Vancouver. -Jarod Kintz
I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spagghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up. he said yeah, "tell your wife to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth." -Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend is as pasty and as skinny as a noodle. But after she spends an hour in the sun she looks like pasta. That's when I invite my friends over for dinner so we can eat pasta and pizza. My friend's wife's nickname is pizza because she has nipples like pepparoni. -Jarod Kintz
I wouldn't want to live on the frontier, because then it would be hard to hear. But not like if I were a bear living in a cave of silence, with only my thoughts echoing off the walls. And bats flying around in my mouth scraping my teeth trying to talk to their ancestors, whom I ate last month. Or I could spend a night with my girlfriend's parents. I'll take the former. -Jarod Kintz
Hello, my name is Jarod, and I live in a treefort in my grandmother's yard. I also live in constant fear that one day you will show up at my bottom step with a chainsaw demanding to cut down my home. But I'd rather you cut my left arm off (don't worry, I'm right handed). Or even better, I'd rather have you cut off one of my girlfriend's legs so she knows what it fels like to lean on someone. She's so damned independent! She refuses to sleep at my place; she says she's afraid of termites. That's almost as absurd as a lumberjack who's afraid of wood. Hey, here's a thought: what if that same lumber-fearing lumberjack were also afraid of horses? Well, he wouldn't have made a good Trojan, that's for sure. Being a lumberjack, I'm sure you know what it feels like to urinate from a tree branch thirty feet in the air. My aim is so good now that I can pee in a milk carton without it even touching the lip of the container. But Grandmother doesn't like it when I do that. She says it makes the milk taste funny. Well, I gotta go, I think I hear my grandmother hollering at me (I hope I don't get a whipping. I think she suspects it's me who's been soiling her rugs and NOT Mr. Fizzlebush, her cat). So please don't cut down my treefort, I really don't want to move back into grandmother's basement (it smells like a mixture of mothballs and cat piss down there). Thank you, Jarod Kintz
No I am not confused about my sexuality, I just LOVE wearing your perfume. I don't know which of your scents is my favorite, but I have a suggestion for you. I feel the scent of mothballs are underrated in today's society. When I become the world's greatest grandmother (God willing), I will unleash a powerful new fragrence. I'll call it "Grandmother's House" Old men will love it, and little children will fear it. I want you to bottle it and distribute it for me. We'll work out my percentage later, just ponder the merits of mothballs and get back to me. This makes good scents. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Your channel is the only channel that's on TV that's worth watching. Well, besides the Discovery Channel. And the Learning Channel. Oh, and Comedy Central and HBO. And let's not forget ESPN of FUSE. But aside from those, I only watch your channel. Except for some of the shows on Bravo or USA. And although I don't work out, I'm kind of a history buff. And I want to start a reality show on your channel where I interview all the big names in history. Names like Jesus, Caesar, Alexander The Great, and Rob Pilatus from Milli Vanilli. I've already got pertinent interview questions lined up. Questions like, "Alex, your full name is Alexander The Great, right? How does it feel to have a definite article, or function word for a middle name? Was your father's middle name 'The' as well?" And also, "Rob (Of Milli Vanilli), musically you're a prodigy. Some say Mozart was the most brilliant musician who ever lived, but you were unequivocally the greatest lipsyncher who's ever lived. That's a notch up from being the best air guitarist of all time. How does it feel to have been the top in your chosen vocation? Now Rob, I hear you answering these questions, but how do I know that you are really answering these questions, and it's not just playing on a prerecorded CD?" So you can see I've got the important questions for the imoportant people. I'll provide the questions, but I'll need you to provide the transportation (the time machine). And if you don't already have one, and it gets invented in say 500 years or so, just swing back through this era and pick me up and let me do the show. You'll already be going in my direction anyways, might as well stop and dig me up. Best, Jarod Kintz
As you know, a lot of the Katrina hurricane victoms are still without homes. And that makes me more sad than the day Mr. Fizzlebush (my cat) told me that he was moving to California. But as fortune would have it, I am in a unique position to help these families in need. Yes I am. You see, I am an expert in building a house of cards. So with a generous gift from you of hundreds of decks of cards, coupled with my steady hand, we can build not only homes, but futures for these people. Also, do you sell poker tables, I am thinking of getting together a home game? Don't worry, it's not a gambling home game (unless you have 10,000 cash, then you'll be able play with the big boys in the back room). Hope to hear from you soon. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Hi, my name is Jarod, and my knees are bleeding. It's really hard to ride a bicycle and play solitare at the same time. I once played a game of speed going well over twenty miles an hour. But I was too involved in the game to see the oncoming traffic, and I nearly ran over Old Man Willard (don't worry, he's already in a wheelchair). the reason I am writing you today is I am trying to learn how to play No LImit Texas Hold 'Em. Are there any tips you could give me to improve my game? Lots of people wear sunglasses while they play, but I think I am going to wear a helmet. Do you think that will help me out? Like a beaver, I eagerly await your reply. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Winter always reminds me of warm fires, but it's been several years since I've burned a forest down. I like your site, but I didn't see where to buy any trees. If I was a tree, I'd probably be the Joshua Tree, even though my name is Jarod. I have a cousin named Josh, but he's not a tree, although he moves about as much as a tree (he has no legs). Do you sell exotic animals on your website? Do you think pythons would make good babysitters? Tell me when you get some trees in stock, or exotic snakes. I can hardly wait for your reply. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
First let me start by saying, No I am not confused about my sexuality, I just LOVE wearing your perfume. I don't know which of your scents is my favorite, but I have a suggestion for you. I feel the scent of mothballs are underrated in today's society. When I become the world's greatest grandmother (God willing), I will unleash a powerful new fragrence. I'll call it "Grandmother's House" Old men will love it, and little children will fear it. I want you to bottle it and distribute it for me. We'll work out my percentage later, just ponder the merits of mothballs and get back to me. This makes good scents. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Two years ago I had a much larger penis than my friend Randy, but in the last couple of years he now has over four inches on me. And he just barely turned eight! -Jarod Kintz
Your scrumptious beverage goes great with just about any meal. The only meal it doesn't go good with is a meal with the in-laws. The only meal that perfectly accompanies a meal with the in-laws would have to be either Hemlock or Cyanide. I like Pepsi better than Coke. In fact, in a recent blindfold test conducted by my friends, we discovered that out of three cups, I liked Pepsi the second best. I liked it better than Coke, but not as much as what later turned out to be a cup full of my own semen (how it got there I have no idea). So I just wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate your perfection in the soda industry. And I like all the flavors you have. Cherry Pepsi, Vanilla Pepsi, but have you ever thought about Pepsi with a splash if Jizz? I think I would enjoy having a cup or two of that with my in-laws. Especially if it was my own. Well take care, and I hope to drink gallons and gallons of my second favorite drink, and pump out gallons and gallons of my first favorite drink. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
You know how you have that slogan, "Buy it for looks, buy it for life?" Do you think this also applies to women? I'm sure I could buy a wife on ebay for a great price. But I'm not sure if that's such a brilliant idea. The thing I like best about faucets is when you get tired of it, you can always just move, and leave it in your old house. Not so with a wife. You'd have to take her with you, even if she was discounted, or you got her with a last minute bid. I really want a wife that's like a faucet, you know, and just stays in the kitchen. I could really go for a home cooked meal right about now. Keep up the excellent work guys. And is it true that plumbers make better lovers? Do you have any advice on where I can find a great wife and a great faucet in one place? I hope to hear back from you soon. And just so you reply I'll tell you a joke, but you only get the ending once you reply. Have you heard the one about the plumber, the priest, and the faucet standig in front of St. Peter on their way to heaven? Respond quickly before I forget the punchline. Best, Jarod Kintz
Your scrumptious beverage goes great with just about any meal. The only meal it doesn't go good with is a meal with the in-laws. The only beverage that perfectly accompanies a meal with the in-laws would have to be either Hemlock or Cyanide. I like Pepsi better than Coke. In fact, in a recent blindfold test conducted by my friends, we discovered that out of three cups, I liked Pepsi the second best. I liked it better than Coke, but not as much as what later turned out to be a cup full of my own semen (how it got there I have no idea). So I just wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate your perfection in the soda industry. And I like all the flavors you have. Cherry Pepsi, Vanilla Pepsi, but have you ever thought about Pepsi with a splash if Jizz? I think I would enjoy having a cup or two of that with my in-laws. Especially if it was my own. Well take care, and I hope to drink gallons and gallons of my second favorite drink, and pump out gallons and gallons of my first favorite drink. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Your scrumptious beverage goes great with just about any meal. The only meal it doesn't go good with is a meal with the in-laws. The only beverage that perfectly accompanies a meal with the in-laws would have to be either Hemlock or Cyanide. I like Pepsi better than Coke. In fact, in a recent blindfold test conducted by my friends, we discovered that out of three cups, I liked Pepsi the second best. I liked it better than Coke, but not as much as what later turned out to be a cup full of my own essential fluids (how it got there I have no idea). So I just wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate your perfection in the soda industry. And I like all the flavors you have. Cherry Pepsi, Vanilla Pepsi, but have you ever thought about Pepsi with a splash if semen? I think I would enjoy having a cup or two of that with my in-laws. Especially if it was my own. Well take care, and I hope to drink gallons and gallons of my second favorite drink, and pump out gallons and gallons of my first favorite drink. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
Isn't a googol synonymous with 10 duotrigintillion?, and isn't a googol a 1 with a hundred zeros after it? Is that how much money you guys have? If so, you guys must pay some exorbitant taxes. I try not to pay taxes myself. I can do that because I don't use money. If I want to buy something, like a car for example, I might offer the salesman a hundred goats, fourteen grilled cheese sandwiches, and an exclusive autographed picture of myself in compromising situations. Are you guys hiring by any chance? I know a little about computers. You'd have to pay me a salary of at least 40 horses a year, or 75 llamas (their value is really inflated in South America). I don't have an official resume, but I've been a shepherd for nine years now, and my record with sexual activity among the flock is nearly flawless. I hope you guys hire me soon I need the livestock. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I think your tractors are sexy. I also think the way freshly cut grass smells is sexy, although not when you stuff a bunch of it up your nose. Cows eat grass, and people eat cows, but can people also eat grass? I know I do, but mother only lets me et it after I've finished everything on my plate at the dinner table. Then she'll let me into the yard so I can munch on it until I throw up (just like the cows do). Why is your mascot a deer? I think it should be a cow. John Cow. It sounds more prestigious. Cows are a case study in elegance (when they're not eating their own vomit that is). Lots of people worship cows, but hardly anyone worships deer. Maybe, if you change your mascot to a cow, you could have over 1 billion people in India worship your tractors the same way that I do. Just a thought. Let me know what you think about my cow concept. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Your magazine is full of delicious wines. But I was reading your magazine while driving and got pulled over. The cops said I was swerving all over the road and that I was driving under the influence. Can a person really get intoxicated by osmosis? I have my court hearing in exactly 22 minutes, so if you reply back saying you apologize for my drunkenness, and that you will gladly pay the fine and do the community service,, I would greatly appreciate it. I might even subscribe to your magazine. A completely sober, Jarod Kintz
Hello, my name is Jarod, and I am going to open up a computer company very shortly (as soon as grandmother gives me the go ahead). But don't worry, I won't be taking away any of your market share. That's because my company will be called Orange Computers. Apple Computers and Orange Computers--they're not comparable! So that's good news for you Steven, or whoever is reading this. But maybe someday we can merge companies and become the Dole beverages of the computer industry. Or maybe not because apple juice makes me wheeze and vomit in other people's shoes. Well, it was great chatting to you Steven; I think I hear the garage door opening (I hope grandmother's not drunk again). Take Care, Jarod Kintz
I just got my phone bill today, and I am very upset. Why am I getting charged ten cents per text message? And if my nights start at 8:00, can I call California for free, or do I have to wait for their nights to start? I hear you have great customer service, so I hope I'm not wasting my time in writing to you. I think it's about time to get out of my Cingular contract and switch to AT&T. What do you think? If you could answer these questions for me, I'd be very grateful. Thanks, Jarod Kintz
I think my Ford Explorer door is broken, it just won't close. I think this is because I don't have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door. It's a passenger side door, and I bought it from a passenger. Also, it doesn't seem to be able to lock, I think the latch isn't catching or something. I think it's missing some crucial parts, and I'd like to order them from you. I need: one frame, 4 wheels, a body, another door, an engine, a steering wheel, and some of those air fresheners that you stick in the vents. And I'm feeling frisky with my money, so let me go ahead and order some breaks while I'm at it. You can send the bill to the Pizza Hut on San Jose Blvd., they'll just deliver it to me along with the pizza II just ordered. Thank you, Jarod Kintz
I'd like to buy a custom loaf of bread, but I do not live in Atlanta, I live in Florida, can we still do business? The loaf I want to buy will be whole wheat, and stretch from Seattle to Dallas (I am attempting a Guinness Book of World Records for the longest sandwich ever made). Do you charge by the foot, the mile, or the calorie? In your expert opinion, what is the most efficient way to spread mayonnaise over such a great distance? I think 10,000 people, each with a butter knife, would be slightly quicker than one person with 10,000 butter knives, but I still have to test that in my lab (grandmother's kitchen). Also, do you think that the meat I place in the sandwich in Dallas will be spoiled by the time the last slice of ham is laid down in Seattle? I guess it really doesn't matter since I am giving it away to homeless people after I'm done anyway. I look forward to your reply, and to conducting business with you. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Out of all the stores I've ever been to, your store is probably my favorite of all time, despite the fact that I've been molested in your bathroom on at least one occasion. And ever since that experience, I just don't like being in a bathroom by myself. I just can't trust myself when I'm around me. But thankfully, courtesy of your large selection of digital video recorders, I caught it all on film. The film makes me shudder as I watch it every night while eating popcorn and vaseline. I just thought you should know what horrendous things are going on in your bathrooms during night shift. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
I am pleased to inform you that I will be bringing a special boy to your store for his first hair cut. Yay! Mr. Fizzlebush is finally turning four, and I figured it was time that he get a hair cut. I want you to shave the sides, and leave the top long and gel it up in a mohawk. I think he'll look adorable. We might have a problem getting him to sit still though. He has tons of energy! But what usually works to get him to lay down is if you rub his belly, or at the base of his spine. He loves that. But don't worry, Mr. Fizzlebush doesn't bite. In fact, he might even lick you, or himself, while you are trying to cut his hair. I look forward to our first trip to the hair cutters, and I'll see you then. Best, Jarod Kintz
You woo me with your music whenever I hear it. I think you are the world's greatest flutist, despite the fact that you play the saxaphone. Most people couldn't make that distinction, but I have a keen ear for music. I keep the musical ear in a jar in the basement. If you ever see it it's enough to make you lose your lunch. But then so is bad sax. Kenneth, do you mind if I call you Kenneth? Kenneth, if it weren't for your music, I don't know how I'd ever fall asleep at night. I look forward to seeing you when you come into Jacksonville next. Sincerely, Jarod Kintz
Yesterday I smoked so much that my eyes were like eggrolls--eyelids folded over and fried. And that made me hungry for some Chinese food, so I went to your restaruant at about four in the morning but you were closed. This made my tummy crazy like a bowl of General Fu's chicken and fried rice with extra soy sauce! So I ended up having to wait around for breakfast time before I could go buy some beer. Mama Fu, you make me giggle. Me and Mr. Boo think that you should change your name to Mama Fu house of laugh, and I think your slogan should be, "If you don't die laughing, I kill you myself. Haha just joke, enjoy the Fu." Let me know if you like it. Thanks, Jarod Kintz
181 Comments:
Great drawing. Very funny and also wise. It's one of those things that make you go hmmm...
Jason
This is crazy awesome man!
Jordan
Jarod Kintz, John told me to check out your t shirts and comics. It's good to see that you are still as hilarious as ever.Stay wild and call me sometime. I miss talking to you.
-Melissa
Very True.
Tell this to my girlfriend who can't seem to shut her mouth.
-Billy the Kidsington
Wow... great drawing...great statement...all around great. On the verge of funny...but also true.
I love it!
Niguel
很笑话 很原件
Silence is a valuable commodity in today's societies. I wish people were born with zippers on their mouth so we could zip some people's mouths shut. Luckily for me, I am deaf out of my left ear.
-Mr. Polko
I like the cartoons
Silence is a solid investment. Especially for mimes.
Miffster
"тишина является золотой" большой для бизнеса
Jarod Kintz is a lot like Gary Larson. More abstrace, but very funny.
-Rob
Fornication Under the Consent of the King for Gary Larson!
Fornication under the consent of the king-fuck that.
maybe this guy Jarod can follow his own advise and do us all a favor and shut the hell up.
Why don't you shut up, Stinky McPoo?
You know what else is a solid investment....canned urine. Trust me on this.
Miffy
Yes, canned urine is a solid investmenmt. Good thing I got in early, it's going for over thirty dollars a gallon now, and expected to rise even farther. The kids in Africa love splashing around in urine, and we in the west are willing to pay exorbitant sums of money for some tinkle tinkle. God I love capitolism.
Me too. Here is an inside tip though. If you ever run out of your own supply, you can pick up semi-aged urine on E-bay for way less than the normal asking price. My grandmother makes a fortune selling hers there.
Is Grandmother single? We could have a yellow pool party. And yes, urine vited.
I love yellow pool parties. Especially when I wear a white bathing suit.
Brooks Bush
Silence is golden...it is also deafning
McNig
Jarod Kintz, I love this comic! You are so funny! Your comics are very witty and so are your T-Shirts!
Jessica
This comic is absolutely absurd. Silence isn't golden, it's silver. Having a deaf mother-in-law is golden.
-Orafoura
Very surreal comic. I used that word in front of my wife today and she pretended to know what it meant. Ha. Good thing I married her for her beauty. I wish she would keep her mouth shut.
Nick Lachey
surreal is best eaten with a spoon.
-Jarod Kintz
I know a mime who talked so much he would hurt my eyes. So I cut off his hands and he screamed so loud that he damaged my ears. I wanted to cut out his tongue, but I thought it might give me a bad taste in my mouth. So I just stuffed him in a basket and threw him in the sea. Last I heard he was making a great living in France as minister of defence.
-Jarod Kintz
Boyfriends are like mimes. Good with their hands and they never really have anything to say.
They say that going to college will educate you. They being the crazy little man living in your head of course.
Freedom isn't free. But there are some really great coupons if you know where to look. Buy one liberty, get the next one half off.
-Jarod Kintz
Being unoriginal is like playing the prop in some play. You are needed to help move along proceedings but you will never change the course of the script.
Being unoriginal is like playing the prop in some play. You are needed to help move along the proceedings but you will never change the course of the script.
Lauren Zimpel
Men and women never seem to be on the same page, even when it is from the same book. It dosen't really matter though because the book they are reading from is the GUIDE TO ALL KNOWN LANGUAGES, and there will never be an interperter.
Lauren Zimpel
I have a cat made out of wool! His name is Cotton.
I always bounce back after every relationship. So take my rubber loves and stick them up your ass.
-Jarod kintz
I've got a memory the size of an elephant. Yeah, it's that gray.
-Jarod Kintz
I have been with Amy for over two years now. I love being with her. We’re always doing things I love to do. The amusement parks, the action movies, football games, poker nights, you name it we do it. She is the only girl for me. I don’t even think about anybody else.
It’s not like I noticed the exact shade of blue our waitress eyes were yesterday. Or this morning, the girl behind the counter of the store bent over and I could see her thong. It’s not like I was looking. No, Amy is the only girl for me. Here she comes now.
“What do you want to do today?” She asks. “I was thinking we could go out to lunch with my grandmother.”
“Ha. That sounds like a real hoot. Not unless she wants to come with us to Hooters.” I say as we walk out to my car and get in.
Once inside the car she turns to look at me. “How come you never open the car door for me?”
“Are you fucking kidding me? That shit went out when women got the right to vote. I don’t want to make you feel inferior, that’s all. I do it for you, babe.”
She doesn’t turn her head to look at me. “So are we going to go out to eat with Grandmother, she really isn’t feeling well.”
“I don’t know. Is she going to pick up the tab?” I say as I reach my hand down to crank up the volume on the radio.
She starts to speak then she reaches to turn down the volume. “Why is it that we always do what you want to do?”
“Don’t be like this. We are not always doing what I want to do. Can we talk about this after this song, I haven’t heard it in forever?” I ask as I reach back down and crank up the volume again.
-Jarod Kintz
Some people are afraid of sex with either a man or a woman. These are called phobisexuals.A lumberjack who is afraid of wood is a 2xphobia.
-Jarod Kintz
Dirty minds lead to dirty sheets.
-Jarod Kintz
A homeless man once asked me for a dollar. I said it would cost him. He asked how much? I asked him what he had for collateral? He asked, what's collateral? I said, what do you have that's worth a dollar? He looked around, dumb as a dog, and said nothing. I said, here's the deal, your life for this dollar, and I gave him the dollar. Then I shot him and took my dollar back. So essentially I made 100 percent on my money in under three minutes. Now that's what I call investing.
-Jarod Kintz
Golfobia: fear of tacky pants and tiny holes.
-Jarod Kintz
Halfobia: Fear of meeting a spouse in the middle in a relationship. Laughobia: fear of laughter, most frequently found in librarians, high school math teachers, and most stupid people.
I have a fear of jazz. Sort of a saxaphobia. Except when Tommy Threetoes is on the six string.
-Jarod Kintz
Jimmy Mattox was a whiz with numbers. The next Gauss, I thought. I thought they were going to change Math to MatheMattox. Until he lost his thumb in an epic battle of thumb war. Ever since then, all his equations are off by one.
-Jarod Kintz
Epitaphobia: fear of having a lifetime of mediocracy summed up in a difinitive way. Death is cause for a laugh, when dealt a harsh epitaph.
-Jarod Kintz
Tax evasion is something I take seriously. But it's only fun until someone gets caught, hopefully your business partner.
-Jarod Kintz
Business is just thievery in suits. And it's hard to sprint across the wet parking lot of a shopping mall with security guards chasing you while wearing dress shoes. The security guards represent the IRS.
-Jarod Kintz
A man who is made of money is a man who is really inflated.
-Jarod Kintz
Money is seen as a great evil. But I've never seen a pile of cash stab someone.
-Jarod Kintz
Money is an itch that can never fully be scratched.
-Jarod Kintz
If religion is a crutch, society is the broken foot.
-Jarod Kintz
Aracknophobia: The fear of men realizing you stuff your bra.
Lauren Zimpel
A wise woman once said: .
Lauren Zimpel
sometimes Jarod Kintz can be so damn annoying. this morning he was singing in the shower so loud they asked him to leave the gym. then he started urinating in the lockers before vomiting in some guy's shoes. as they escorted him out he was screaming in broken german something about his neighbors dog and the security guard's grandma, i don't really know. i think he made up half the words on the spot. what an ass! JAcksonville ROcks Don't you Know? If you've Never been There Zip on over and check it out.
Ora and I are going to a halloween party in my story. I'm going as a lab rat, he's going dressed as a giant bag of Sweet n Low, and Matt is a bald superhero with a giant C on his chest that stands for CancerMan.
-Jarod Kintz
When you are most afraid is the chance for you to be the most couragious. I'm afraid of all you can eat buffets, that's why I feel like a war hero after eatimg six plates at Golden Corral.
-Jarod Kintz
I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the work week. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time with my two mistresses.
-Jarod Kintz
Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.
-Jarod Kintz
I once saw a homeless man molesting a dog. He was a homolesstor.
-Jarod Kintz
A begger once asked me if I had any change. I thought for a second as I looked down at his dirty feet. A man with no shoes probably has no home. A man with no home probably has no teeth. And a man with no teeth probably doesn't have any gum. So I said I have change if you have gum, and he smiled a toothless grin and said, "ain't got no teeth." And I said, "now that really bites," and I walked off.
-Jarod Kintz
Every writer has to find their voice. I got mine from my girlfriend. She's a mime, so I don't think she'll mind that I'm using it.
-Jarod Kintz
You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my naked wife's body glistened through his kitchen window.
-Jarod Kintz
You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they go about life's menial tasks. For example, I went over to my neighbor's house for dinner and I could tell he was a murderer by the efficient way he chopped up the celery, carrots, and body parts. That, plus I was the one who held the man down while he stabbed him.
-Jarod Kintz
The first thing I look for in a potential girlfriend is she has got to have a body. Doesn't matter how she got it, or how old it is, just so long as it's not decomposing yet.
-Jarod Kintz
I like having sex in washing machines. I like to sleep around, yet keep it clean.
-Jarod Kintz
I sign all paperwork with my feet dripped in ink. It's the nude heel approach. I also won't shake their hand with my hand, I use my penis.
-Jarod Kintz
boxbrain: a narrow minded person.
-Jarod Kintz
Is it better to have twice as many friends and half the time to spend with them all, half as many friends and twice the time to spend with them all, or twice as many friends who are only half as tall?
-Jarod Kintz
I don't like sour friends, that's why I keep them in a cool, dry place like Del Norte, Colorado.
-Jarod Kintz
Friends are very important to me. I'd rather make a new friend than starve myself to death.
-Jarod Kintz
If one guy is annoyed, and so is his friend, together, are they pairanoid?
-Jarod Kintz
My friend went to his Doctor after learning his infection had spread and they would have to amputate his right arm. He asked the Doctor what he should do.
"Are you right handed?" the Doctor asked.
"Yeah," my friend replied.
The Doctor began to pull out his wallet. "Seeing that you're kind of an ugly man, I'd be willing to make you a generous offer on whatever porn DVDs you've got. You obviously won't be needing them anymore."
-Jarod Kintz
Their relationship was a bit messy after it ended, what with him having to clean up her splattered brains off the wall.
-Jarod Kintz
An albino with a black eye patch and an abnormal, cancerous tumor growing out of his forehead would make a great mascot for an underprivelaged school.
-Jarod Kintz
After he shot her, and before he left the scene of the crime, he placed a sign at the back of her bullet-torn skull that said, Exit Only. I don't think he actually left that way, he just put it there to throw the police off his trail.
-Jarod Kintz
Whenever something goes missing in my life, something that I can't remember what I did with it (like my childhood), I always ask myself if the albino had an alibi. If he doeesn't, I know where he hides his stolen goods. So I checked, and sure enough, my childhood memories were in his pants.
-Jarod Kintz
A man with an IQ of 180 can achieve at least twice as much as two men with IQs of 90 working together can.
-Jarod Kintz
I had an upsetting morning this morning. I was out on my daily run when I saw an old man walking his dog get run over by a speeding Porche. I ran over to find them both dead. And then I noticed his handlebar mustache and realized this was my neighbor, Don. It's such a waste. This is the first time I have seen him in months, ever since I leant him money, and he isn't even carrying his wallet.
-Jarod Kintz
Last night I was out drinking with my buddy, who happens to be a lubrication salesman, and we both got loaded. I got crazy and wanted to drive off, but he took my car keys before I could get in the car. And just so I wouldn't try to snatch them from him, he inserted them into his well lubricated ass. Well, that didn't stop me, I rolled up my sleeves and went in anyways. He tried to act like he wasn't enjoying it (so did I), but I knew he was. While I was up there my watch came loose and slid off. I had just recieved it as part of a larger gift( the whole arm). After I sobered it we drove home(I have no idea what time it was). I am just glad that watches are more like bracelets than necklaces.
-Jarod Kintz
There can be no world peace as long as it is divided up into two halves: Haves and Have Nots.
-Jarod Kintz
The squirrel community is divided up into two halves: The Haves and the Have Nuts. Both have the same thing, and both have nothing to worry about except for cars, powerlines, and little kids with bb guns.
-Jarod Kintz
Rainforests are expensive, and the global economy needs to cut down on expenses.
-Jarod Kintz
If all the homeless people in America showered, it would be a real drain on our economy.
-Jarod Kintz
If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time.
-Jarod Kintz
Our relationship was loosely based on sex. Well, she was pretty loose anyway.
-Jarod Kintz
I broke up with my girlfriend. She lied about having two boyfriends, and I knew that I was the only one she had.
-Jarod Kintz
I blame my father for the divorce. I tried to make our relationship work.
-Jarod Kintz
What I lack in sexual experience, I more than make up for in brevity.
-Jarod Kintz
My penis is no larger than my ego, and that's a modest statement.
-Jarod Kintz
A man with wooden teeth never eats termites or drinks paint thinner.
-Jarod Kintz
I slept with my therapist. She analyzed my dreams, but said nothing of me wetting the bed.
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend always treats me like a child, particularly after she changes my diapers.
-Jarod Kintz
To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my Uncle.
-Jarod Kintz
I think I had food poisening yesterday. Right after I ate I got a rash. It was either the food, or the fact that I went back to work and Mother neglected to change my diaper.
-Jarod Kintz
It's awkward to have a baby watch you go to the bathroom in their diaper, particularly if they are wearing it.
-Jarod Kintz
I call my money "night", and I tell my girlfriend she can't spend the night anywhere if I'm not there.
-Jarod Kintz
I was such a loser back in high school. I took the girl with the two big, cancerous toes sticking out of her forehead to the Prom. I was so nervous I kept stepping all over her toes. But despite all that, I did manage to get lucky. She let me clip here toe nails.
-Jarod Kintz
Every racist family has a bl;ack sheep in it that nobody wants to have sex with.
-Jarod Kintz
-My life is my office, so don't step into my office without buying me a drink first.
-Jarod Kintz
I want to be a music teacher. I want to teach deaf children with no fingers or toes to play air guitar while they play chess with a computer named Leroy I keep in the attic with all the other deaf children.
-Jarod Kintz
An engineer is an intellectual who enjoys something more efficient thatn sex, like masturbation.
-Jarod Kintz
If money is the root of all evil, why can't we grow it on trees?
-Jarod Kintz
I would like 2/3 kids.I can't decide, but that way I don't have to be there 100 percent of the time, just 66 percent.
-Jarod Kintx
If I were a duck, and you started throwing bread at me, I might get offended. I mean bread and water is what prisoners of war get fed. Plus, people only throw the old bread, and that's rock hard. I might as well be getting stoned.
-Jarod Kintz
If I were a duck and you threw some bread at me I'd probably start thinking about ham> And if my thoughts were smooth like mayonaisse, I'd have a ham sandwich.
-Jarod Kintz
If I could meet any group of people, in any time period, I might meet Jesus and his apostles. But I might also like to meet Ben Franklin's regular orgy group. I'd say, I'm here for the sex. Let's all get naked and talk about how liberating it is. I'll bet you can't do this with the King, huh? God bless America, and all its freedom. Freedom from oppresive things like Kings. Kings and underwear.
-Jarod Kintz
If flowers were people, what would we put on graves after flowers die? Maybe dead babies in an assortment of colors.
-Jarod Kintz
If tissues were people, I'd be embarrassed to sneeze into one. I don't like sneezing on strangers, except when I walk into Wal Mart. I must be allergic to poor, obese people.
-Jarod Kintz
I met my ex girlfriend on the beach. Yeah, she was a real whale.
-Jarod Kintz
College is a great place to meet lots of interesting people, get them naked, and have them never remember you again. But so is the nursing home.
-Jarod Kintz
I've never had a threesome with twins. My twin brothers died before I was born. Man, that was bad.
-Jarod Kintz
It always makes me feel a little bit guilty when I have to eat one of my friends. but I don't feel guilty if that friend impregnated my girlfriend the weekend I was in Vancouver, particularly because I've never been to Vancouver.
-Jarod Kintz
I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spagghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up. he said yeah, "tell your wife to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth."
-Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend is as pasty and as skinny as a noodle. But after she spends an hour in the sun she looks like pasta. That's when I invite my friends over for dinner so we can eat pasta and pizza. My friend's wife's nickname is pizza because she has nipples like pepparoni.
-Jarod Kintz
I wouldn't want to live on the frontier, because then it would be hard to hear. But not like if I were a bear living in a cave of silence, with only my thoughts echoing off the walls. And bats flying around in my mouth scraping my teeth trying to talk to their ancestors, whom I ate last month. Or I could spend a night with my girlfriend's parents. I'll take the former.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Pacific Lumber Company,
Hello, my name is Jarod, and I live in a treefort in my grandmother's yard. I also live in constant fear that one day you will show up at my bottom step with a chainsaw demanding to cut down my home. But I'd rather you cut my left arm off (don't worry, I'm right handed). Or even better, I'd rather have you cut off one of my girlfriend's legs so she knows what it fels like to lean on someone. She's so damned independent! She refuses to sleep at my place; she says she's afraid of termites. That's almost as absurd as a lumberjack who's afraid of wood. Hey, here's a thought: what if that same lumber-fearing lumberjack were also afraid of horses? Well, he wouldn't have made a good Trojan, that's for sure. Being a lumberjack, I'm sure you know what it feels like to urinate from a tree branch thirty feet in the air. My aim is so good now that I can pee in a milk carton without it even touching the lip of the container. But Grandmother doesn't like it when I do that. She says it makes the milk taste funny. Well, I gotta go, I think I hear my grandmother hollering at me (I hope I don't get a whipping. I think she suspects it's me who's been soiling her rugs and NOT Mr. Fizzlebush, her cat). So please don't cut down my treefort, I really don't want to move back into grandmother's basement (it smells like a mixture of mothballs and cat piss down there).
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Chanel,
No I am not confused about my sexuality, I just LOVE wearing your perfume. I don't know which of your scents is my favorite, but I have a suggestion for you. I feel the scent of mothballs are underrated in today's society. When I become the world's greatest grandmother (God willing), I will unleash a powerful new fragrence. I'll call it "Grandmother's House" Old men will love it, and little children will fear it. I want you to bottle it and distribute it for me. We'll work out my percentage later, just ponder the merits of mothballs and get back to me. This makes good scents.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear History Channel,
Your channel is the only channel that's on TV that's worth watching. Well, besides the Discovery Channel. And the Learning Channel. Oh, and Comedy Central and HBO. And let's not forget ESPN of FUSE. But aside from those, I only watch your channel. Except for some of the shows on Bravo or USA. And although I don't work out, I'm kind of a history buff. And I want to start a reality show on your channel where I interview all the big names in history. Names like Jesus, Caesar, Alexander The Great, and Rob Pilatus from Milli Vanilli. I've already got pertinent interview questions lined up. Questions like, "Alex, your full name is Alexander The Great, right? How does it feel to have a definite article, or function word for a middle name? Was your father's middle name 'The' as well?" And also, "Rob (Of Milli Vanilli), musically you're a prodigy. Some say Mozart was the most brilliant musician who ever lived, but you were unequivocally the greatest lipsyncher who's ever lived. That's a notch up from being the best air guitarist of all time. How does it feel to have been the top in your chosen vocation? Now Rob, I hear you answering these questions, but how do I know that you are really answering these questions, and it's not just playing on a prerecorded CD?" So you can see I've got the important questions for the imoportant people. I'll provide the questions, but I'll need you to provide the transportation (the time machine). And if you don't already have one, and it gets invented in say 500 years or so, just swing back through this era and pick me up and let me do the show. You'll already be going in my direction anyways, might as well stop and dig me up.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
If my penis told you you had a nice face, would you hold it against him?
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Bicycle Playing Cards,
As you know, a lot of the Katrina hurricane victoms are still without homes. And that makes me more sad than the day Mr. Fizzlebush (my cat) told me that he was moving to California. But as fortune would have it, I am in a unique position to help these families in need. Yes I am. You see, I am an expert in building a house of cards. So with a generous gift from you of hundreds of decks of cards, coupled with my steady hand, we can build not only homes, but futures for these people. Also, do you sell poker tables, I am thinking of getting together a home game? Don't worry, it's not a gambling home game (unless you have 10,000 cash, then you'll be able play with the big boys in the back room). Hope to hear from you soon.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Bicycle Playing Cards,
Hi, my name is Jarod, and my knees are bleeding. It's really hard to ride a bicycle and play solitare at the same time. I once played a game of speed going well over twenty miles an hour. But I was too involved in the game to see the oncoming traffic, and I nearly ran over Old Man Willard (don't worry, he's already in a wheelchair). the reason I am writing you today is I am trying to learn how to play No LImit Texas Hold 'Em. Are there any tips you could give me to improve my game? Lots of people wear sunglasses while they play, but I think I am going to wear a helmet. Do you think that will help me out? Like a beaver, I eagerly await your reply.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Amazon.com,
Winter always reminds me of warm fires, but it's been several years since I've burned a forest down. I like your site, but I didn't see where to buy any trees. If I was a tree, I'd probably be the Joshua Tree, even though my name is Jarod. I have a cousin named Josh, but he's not a tree, although he moves about as much as a tree (he has no legs). Do you sell exotic animals on your website? Do you think pythons would make good babysitters? Tell me when you get some trees in stock, or exotic snakes. I can hardly wait for your reply.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Chanel,
First let me start by saying, No I am not confused about my sexuality, I just LOVE wearing your perfume. I don't know which of your scents is my favorite, but I have a suggestion for you. I feel the scent of mothballs are underrated in today's society. When I become the world's greatest grandmother (God willing), I will unleash a powerful new fragrence. I'll call it "Grandmother's House" Old men will love it, and little children will fear it. I want you to bottle it and distribute it for me. We'll work out my percentage later, just ponder the merits of mothballs and get back to me. This makes good scents.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Two years ago I had a much larger penis than my friend Randy, but in the last couple of years he now has over four inches on me. And he just barely turned eight!
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Pepsi,
Your scrumptious beverage goes great with just about any meal. The only meal it doesn't go good with is a meal with the in-laws. The only meal that perfectly accompanies a meal with the in-laws would have to be either Hemlock or Cyanide. I like Pepsi better than Coke. In fact, in a recent blindfold test conducted by my friends, we discovered that out of three cups, I liked Pepsi the second best. I liked it better than Coke, but not as much as what later turned out to be a cup full of my own semen (how it got there I have no idea). So I just wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate your perfection in the soda industry. And I like all the flavors you have. Cherry Pepsi, Vanilla Pepsi, but have you ever thought about Pepsi with a splash if Jizz? I think I would enjoy having a cup or two of that with my in-laws. Especially if it was my own. Well take care, and I hope to drink gallons and gallons of my second favorite drink, and pump out gallons and gallons of my first favorite drink.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Moen,
You know how you have that slogan, "Buy it for looks, buy it for life?" Do you think this also applies to women? I'm sure I could buy a wife on ebay for a great price. But I'm not sure if that's such a brilliant idea. The thing I like best about faucets is when you get tired of it, you can always just move, and leave it in your old house. Not so with a wife. You'd have to take her with you, even if she was discounted, or you got her with a last minute bid. I really want a wife that's like a faucet, you know, and just stays in the kitchen. I could really go for a home cooked meal right about now. Keep up the excellent work guys. And is it true that plumbers make better lovers? Do you have any advice on where I can find a great wife and a great faucet in one place? I hope to hear back from you soon. And just so you reply I'll tell you a joke, but you only get the ending once you reply. Have you heard the one about the plumber, the priest, and the faucet standig in front of St. Peter on their way to heaven? Respond quickly before I forget the punchline.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
(corrected version)
Dear Pepsi,
Your scrumptious beverage goes great with just about any meal. The only meal it doesn't go good with is a meal with the in-laws. The only beverage that perfectly accompanies a meal with the in-laws would have to be either Hemlock or Cyanide. I like Pepsi better than Coke. In fact, in a recent blindfold test conducted by my friends, we discovered that out of three cups, I liked Pepsi the second best. I liked it better than Coke, but not as much as what later turned out to be a cup full of my own semen (how it got there I have no idea). So I just wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate your perfection in the soda industry. And I like all the flavors you have. Cherry Pepsi, Vanilla Pepsi, but have you ever thought about Pepsi with a splash if Jizz? I think I would enjoy having a cup or two of that with my in-laws. Especially if it was my own. Well take care, and I hope to drink gallons and gallons of my second favorite drink, and pump out gallons and gallons of my first favorite drink.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
(Re-corrected version)
Dear Pepsi,
Your scrumptious beverage goes great with just about any meal. The only meal it doesn't go good with is a meal with the in-laws. The only beverage that perfectly accompanies a meal with the in-laws would have to be either Hemlock or Cyanide. I like Pepsi better than Coke. In fact, in a recent blindfold test conducted by my friends, we discovered that out of three cups, I liked Pepsi the second best. I liked it better than Coke, but not as much as what later turned out to be a cup full of my own essential fluids (how it got there I have no idea). So I just wanted to tell you guys how much I appreciate your perfection in the soda industry. And I like all the flavors you have. Cherry Pepsi, Vanilla Pepsi, but have you ever thought about Pepsi with a splash if semen? I think I would enjoy having a cup or two of that with my in-laws. Especially if it was my own. Well take care, and I hope to drink gallons and gallons of my second favorite drink, and pump out gallons and gallons of my first favorite drink.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Google,
Isn't a googol synonymous with 10 duotrigintillion?, and isn't a googol a 1 with a hundred zeros after it? Is that how much money you guys have? If so, you guys must pay some exorbitant taxes. I try not to pay taxes myself. I can do that because I don't use money. If I want to buy something, like a car for example, I might offer the salesman a hundred goats, fourteen grilled cheese sandwiches, and an exclusive autographed picture of myself in compromising situations. Are you guys hiring by any chance? I know a little about computers. You'd have to pay me a salary of at least 40 horses a year, or 75 llamas (their value is really inflated in South America). I don't have an official resume, but I've been a shepherd for nine years now, and my record with sexual activity among the flock is nearly flawless. I hope you guys hire me soon I need the livestock.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear John Deer,
I think your tractors are sexy. I also think the way freshly cut grass smells is sexy, although not when you stuff a bunch of it up your nose. Cows eat grass, and people eat cows, but can people also eat grass? I know I do, but mother only lets me et it after I've finished everything on my plate at the dinner table. Then she'll let me into the yard so I can munch on it until I throw up (just like the cows do). Why is your mascot a deer? I think it should be a cow. John Cow. It sounds more prestigious. Cows are a case study in elegance (when they're not eating their own vomit that is). Lots of people worship cows, but hardly anyone worships deer. Maybe, if you change your mascot to a cow, you could have over 1 billion people in India worship your tractors the same way that I do. Just a thought. Let me know what you think about my cow concept.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
If I were an orphan, I'd long to meet the man whose penis I hailed from.
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Wine Spectator,
Your magazine is full of delicious wines. But I was reading your magazine while driving and got pulled over. The cops said I was swerving all over the road and that I was driving under the influence. Can a person really get intoxicated by osmosis? I have my court hearing in exactly 22 minutes, so if you reply back saying you apologize for my drunkenness, and that you will gladly pay the fine and do the community service,, I would greatly appreciate it. I might even subscribe to your magazine.
A completely sober,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Apple Computers,
Hello, my name is Jarod, and I am going to open up a computer company very shortly (as soon as grandmother gives me the go ahead). But don't worry, I won't be taking away any of your market share. That's because my company will be called Orange Computers. Apple Computers and Orange Computers--they're not comparable! So that's good news for you Steven, or whoever is reading this. But maybe someday we can merge companies and become the Dole beverages of the computer industry. Or maybe not because apple juice makes me wheeze and vomit in other people's shoes. Well, it was great chatting to you Steven; I think I hear the garage door opening (I hope grandmother's not drunk again).
Take Care,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Verizon,
I just got my phone bill today, and I am very upset. Why am I getting charged ten cents per text message? And if my nights start at 8:00, can I call California for free, or do I have to wait for their nights to start? I hear you have great customer service, so I hope I'm not wasting my time in writing to you. I think it's about time to get out of my Cingular contract and switch to AT&T. What do you think? If you could answer these questions for me, I'd be very grateful.
Thanks,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Ford,
I think my Ford Explorer door is broken, it just won't close. I think this is because I don't have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door. It's a passenger side door, and I bought it from a passenger. Also, it doesn't seem to be able to lock, I think the latch isn't catching or something. I think it's missing some crucial parts, and I'd like to order them from you. I need: one frame, 4 wheels, a body, another door, an engine, a steering wheel, and some of those air fresheners that you stick in the vents. And I'm feeling frisky with my money, so let me go ahead and order some breaks while I'm at it. You can send the bill to the Pizza Hut on San Jose Blvd., they'll just deliver it to me along with the pizza II just ordered.
Thank you,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Atlanta Bread Company,
I'd like to buy a custom loaf of bread, but I do not live in Atlanta, I live in Florida, can we still do business? The loaf I want to buy will be whole wheat, and stretch from Seattle to Dallas (I am attempting a Guinness Book of World Records for the longest sandwich ever made). Do you charge by the foot, the mile, or the calorie? In your expert opinion, what is the most efficient way to spread mayonnaise over such a great distance? I think 10,000 people, each with a butter knife, would be slightly quicker than one person with 10,000 butter knives, but I still have to test that in my lab (grandmother's kitchen). Also, do you think that the meat I place in the sandwich in Dallas will be spoiled by the time the last slice of ham is laid down in Seattle? I guess it really doesn't matter since I am giving it away to homeless people after I'm done anyway. I look forward to your reply, and to conducting business with you.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Best Buy,
Out of all the stores I've ever been to, your store is probably my favorite of all time, despite the fact that I've been molested in your bathroom on at least one occasion. And ever since that experience, I just don't like being in a bathroom by myself. I just can't trust myself when I'm around me. But thankfully, courtesy of your large selection of digital video recorders, I caught it all on film. The film makes me shudder as I watch it every night while eating popcorn and vaseline. I just thought you should know what horrendous things are going on in your bathrooms during night shift.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Mr. Fu Say, "Whatever doesn't kill you, only make you funnier."
"If you don't die laughing, I kill you myself."
-Jarod Kintz
Dear Hair Cuttery,
I am pleased to inform you that I will be bringing a special boy to your store for his first hair cut. Yay! Mr. Fizzlebush is finally turning four, and I figured it was time that he get a hair cut. I want you to shave the sides, and leave the top long and gel it up in a mohawk. I think he'll look adorable. We might have a problem getting him to sit still though. He has tons of energy! But what usually works to get him to lay down is if you rub his belly, or at the base of his spine. He loves that. But don't worry, Mr. Fizzlebush doesn't bite. In fact, he might even lick you, or himself, while you are trying to cut his hair. I look forward to our first trip to the hair cutters, and I'll see you then.
Best,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Kenny G,
You woo me with your music whenever I hear it. I think you are the world's greatest flutist, despite the fact that you play the saxaphone. Most people couldn't make that distinction, but I have a keen ear for music. I keep the musical ear in a jar in the basement. If you ever see it it's enough to make you lose your lunch. But then so is bad sax. Kenneth, do you mind if I call you Kenneth? Kenneth, if it weren't for your music, I don't know how I'd ever fall asleep at night. I look forward to seeing you when you come into Jacksonville next.
Sincerely,
Jarod Kintz
Dear Mama Fu's,
Yesterday I smoked so much that my eyes were like eggrolls--eyelids folded over and fried. And that made me hungry for some Chinese food, so I went to your restaruant at about four in the morning but you were closed. This made my tummy crazy like a bowl of General Fu's chicken and fried rice with extra soy sauce! So I ended up having to wait around for breakfast time before I could go buy some beer. Mama Fu, you make me giggle. Me and Mr. Boo think that you should change your name to Mama Fu house of laugh, and I think your slogan should be, "If you don't die laughing, I kill you myself. Haha just joke, enjoy the Fu." Let me know if you like it.
Thanks,
Jarod Kintz