Who We Are

My name is Jarod Kintz and  I was born on the Titanic in 1912. After both of my mothers drowned, I was raised by sperm whales. Soon after, I was found by a Russian traveling circus.  I was beached somewhere along the Alaskan coast.  They promptly enslaved me and they kept me in a 10-gallon fish tank.  In 1932 I escaped and I rode my unicycle to safety down in Jacksonville, Fl.  I have been living here ever since.  I am probably the only other person, besides George Hamilton, who knows the exact location of the fountain of youth. It's actually a spring, and I sell bottled water from it.  You can find it for sale for $10,000 a bottle at afoolandhismoney.com.

Evan McIntyre is my Executive Image Director. He is the man responsible for taking the madness that is inside my head, and putting it on paper, or screen. A master artist, Evan has a long history with art. Dating back to Italy in the early renaissance, Evan is the great Michaelangelo's nephew. Evan actually was a child prodigy, who taught old Mikey a few tricks or two about painting. Evan came over to America early on with a man called Ponce. Together, Evan and Ponce searched for the fountain of youth. Ponce died, but Evan found it. He is a regular shopper on my other website where I sell bottled water from the spring. You too can stay forever young, but you must hurry, supplies are limited.

My Executive Promotions Director is Mike Ramos. Mike was born in January of 1997. I remember because I was a freshman in high school. (So I took some time off all right?) Anyway, Mike is 38 inches tall and he fits nicely into most airline overhead compartment bins. He has been married and divorced seventeen times to two different women. Conversations with Mike seem to drift like his lazy left eye. One great thing about Mike is his marketing schemes never come up short. Mike's grandson, Mr. Fizzlebush, was born last Tuesday in a healthy litter of 9.

Leonard: Our favorite four-wheeled fanatic, Leonard has more energy than his turbo-charged wheelchair. Between mouthfuls of doughnuts and doing doughnuts, Leonard has a sharp tongue that he uses, instead of his feet, to verbally kick you in the face. After he stole my x-girlfriend, Wanda, a year and a half ago, we had some animosity. But after I super glued his feet to his foot rests, and his hand around his joystick when he was sleeping, and drug him behind my truck at seventy miles per hour down the interstate, I got over it.

Rupert: A loveable sort of guy with a slight learning disability. His spoonerisms border on both absurdity and genius. An example of a spoonerism is instead of saying the well-known phrase, “it’s customary to kiss the bride,” he might say, “it’s kisstomary to cuss the bride.” He's an odd fellow to look at, his left leg hangs four inches lower than his right leg, which incidentally doesn’t even work (at birth, his right kneecap was turned backwards). He never could afford surgery to turn his knee around so now if you ask him to dance it will look like a ballerina meets Fred Astaire meets a chubby ostrich who somebody spoon-fed ounces of cocaine.

Khalid Al-Qahtani is environmentally sensitive. Instead of riding in a car to & from school, Khalid rides his second-hand camel he bought on ebay. What he saves in gas, he more than makes up for in water. But that's OK, he waters his camel from his neighbor's hose. Khalid's motto: "Save a horse, ride a camel."